The beginning of the Inside Job - Day 1, 2014

As the great Dylan Thomas once said, "To begin at the beginning."

It's New Year's Day. January 1st 2014. I'm sat at my kitchen table. It's 7am. I haven't been to bed yet and I'm demolishing my 4th can of Red Bull, 8th cup of strong tea (with 3 sweeteners) and 34th Silk Cut of the evening/morning. (May have something to do with the insomnia)

I'm 13 years sober this year, 41 years old, a recovering alcoholic, regularly attend 12 step meetings and in better shape than ever before. Everything on the surface looks Rosy. In fact at the party I was at last night, several people said, "you look like Beckham". Although a 13 year old boy slightly punctured the ego by saying, "You look like Beckham's dad." (I'm 41 Beckham is 38 so that's a bit of a blow, mind you Beckham never went through 15 years of alcoholism or been addicted to caffeine, nicotine, sweetener, sugar and sex - to my knowledge)

With every passing year of sobriety I have changed the way I look. The more sober I've got, the more I've exercised, changed diet, lost weight and looked better. When I hit rock bottom at 28 and went to AA I was a 16 stone ball of sweaty angry drunken bile. Now after 12 years, I look better than at any point in my 20's, 30's or indeed my life. Before sobriety people said I looked like Elvis, but not at his peak, at his addicted worst 'fat Elvis' just before he died. So in sobriety 'Beckham's dad' is a bonus at 41.  

What has this to do with this blog? Well, I'll tell you why. Because in 12 years of sobriety, regular attendance of meetings and what I believe to be a firm grip and insight into alcoholism and family/personal dysfunction, defective characteristics - I have placed nearly all my focus on outside forces to get personal happiness.

I have used exercise, food, sex, women, relationships, money, holidays, attention, DVD box sets, shopping, pornography - almost anything other than 'looking within for deep rooted change. It's so much easier for a quick fix. The Slightest hint of pain and self pity? Find a relationship, Quick. Feelings of low self esteem & fear? Push out a marathon & 50 bicep curls quick to head off the pain.

 

I am not diminishing 13 years of sobriety, careful not to wallow in self pity and self criticism. Beating oneself up is also a character flaw so easy to fall into. But there are certain traits, habits, thought patterns, behaviours I just can't shake or have picked up along the way.

 

Some change has taken place which is good of course. But I know it is an 'Inside Job'. The journey from head to heart is a long one. I am beginning to understand why the old timers said. "I wish you a slowbriety Nick." Deep change comes about in instalments. Gradually over a period of time. It is, as the American psychologist William James called, 'Spiritual Experience of the educational variety'.

 

Most human beings tend to change only when needed. I certainly belong in that category. It's stupid really. Why wait until something is broken before you mend it? Surely the wise ones head it off at the pass and avoid the pain. Me? Well I tend to have to smash myself into a million pieces before I even consider the possibility of doing something different.

 

I regularly go to my spiritual advisers and say, "my head's hurting and bleeding it from bashing it against the wall so much." They will ask, "Have you had enough pain yet and do something different?" I will usually reply, "Well the other side's not bleeding yet."

 

It has happened many times during my 13 years of sobriety and is happening now. This is the reason for this blog. I will write every day for 2014 to chart this journey of change. Let's have a quick look under the bonnet and see what's wrong with the engine shall we before we can try to do something about it.

 

As I said before I am 13 years sober, attend meetings, pray and consider myself a caring human being. However I imagined that when/if I reached 41 and 13 years sober that I would be much further advanced in my life than I am right now.

 

Professionally I'm a little rocky. The company I tried to get going last year is stumbling, money is tight and I am applying for jobs. 45 CV's were sent out and nothing came back. It made me evaluate my 'career'. Where is it? What is it? What do I really want to do? I am crippled by low self esteem, regret, financial fear and other beautifully helpful and complete waste of time emotions. I am in debt. Not hugely. But I have several outstanding loans and debts. Money will run out soon and I am worried., My relationship with money has been irresponsible and unmanageable. Feelings of failure are never far away. The awful habit of 'compare and despair' is far too easily accessed. All of these are a waste of time and designed to keep me 'down there' and in misery. You design your own life, create your own reality and that is one of my challenges in 2014.

 

I smoke heavily, drink massive amounts of diet coke, caffeine and shovel huge amounts of sweetener into my system every day. I gave up some of these for a short period of time but substitute one thing for another and have find it easy to fall back into old familiar harmful habits. I have occasionally suffered from bouts of bulimia and body dismorphia.

 

The result of all this? My health is suffering. My teeth are rotting, my gums are weak, my chest is wheezing and my body is breaking down on me. Years of abusing it, pouring chemicals into it, not sleeping and running marathons have taken their toll. My neck and back are in constant pain which is effecting running, exercise and my daily life. Whilst my body could withstand this abuse in my 30's, now it has hit it's 40's it's starting to say to me, "what the fuck are you doing? I'm not having that. have constant back pain you idiot and stop abusing me."

 

But none of that matters as long as I look good on the outside right?

 

I have been in and out of relationships. Veering between co-dependency, inability to be on my own, feel good enough as myself yet pretty much terrified of commitment. At regular stages I have courted attention, sex, women, relationships. Love me, want me, need me. If someone makes me the centre of their world that must mean I'm OK right? These have plagued me throughout my sobriety but boy have I covered that up. It's weak for men to admit that right?

 

I am currently in a loving relationship and attempting to change my ways, become honest, open and understanding. I like compromise, as long as it's on my terms. I clearly have a long way to go yet!

 

But one of my biggest Achilles heels? Negative thinking and low self esteem. These really pull me down and force a lot of the above behavioural patterns and habits. If you hate yourself at a core level then it makes sense to try and kill yourself by smoking as much as you can, drinking, ingesting, overeating, not sleeping, battering yourself with inappropriate relationships, situations, casual sex. It makes sense to under earn in your career. Not follow your dreams or stay lazy at the fear of trying something new in case you set yourself up for failure.

 

It is a powerful combination to have the highest expectations of yourself yet think your not good enough to get there. It is then the alcoholic ego is in full bloom. It has controlled me for much of my sobriety without me even noticing. But no More!!

 

I am noticing the ego now. I am acknowledging it's destructive power. I want to do something about it. I don't want to be driven by it so much. I am scared of what I will become. I have sense of security in the familiar. But fuck it, let's see what happens. Who knows I may become like one of those happy successful bastards, God help me  (and everyone else) 

 

I challenge my ego. I challenge my bad habits. I challenge myself to move out of them. This is what this blog is all about.

 

This blog is to chart the journey. I'm not sure if it will be a success. If I will stop smoking or harming myself. or move out of bad habits. I'm not sure if I will follow my dream of becoming a successful recovery coach, commentator, writer and help many people set themselves free of the pain of self.

 

I was asked several times last night by friends who have known me for years and call me 'ironman'. Having done several marathons, triathlons, ironman events, what my mad endurance goals are for this year.

 

This year my goals are to work on the inside not the out. I have to heal myself and my body before looking to do other endurance events. I have done all the ultra endurance stuff in the past to test myself and show physical facts that I can actually do what my mind said I couldn't. This year I'd like to take that process inside and heal from the inside. If I spend half as much time working on my spiritual condition as I do on my guns I'll be up there with Gandhi. Look out Depak Chopra, The Evans is on your case! (Nice outbreak of grandiose ego there) I'll be walking on water by Christmas.

 

I have begun chanting, starting a meditation course and am looking at yoga and other practices. This coming from someone who was barred from Bikram Yoga Richmond for arguing in class (I have written a funny piece on that) I am essentially an ego maniac cynic. My natural default setting is contempt prior to investigation.

 

But let go I must. And let go I will. The alcoholic ego is determined though. The committee firmly established, so it will be a tough job to shift them. It will be an interesting process. A fascinating roller coaster journey I hope you follow.

 

Why am I doing it? Is it because I'm such a show pony that I need the world to hear? Is it because I'm so desperate for attention? Is it because I want to be someone more than 'that bloke who looks like someone famous?' Maybe. I'm not so sure.

 

I have been driving myself mad searching for my direction. For my calling. Do I write a blog? Do I make it recovery based? Do I create a brand? Do I become a coach? Shall I write a self help book? Is it under my name? Do I try to become an expert? Shall I call it something clever? is it funny? is it smart? Do I build a website? Will people follow me? What do I say? Will it be good enough? And the list goes on ad infinitum. I could sit there forever and keep questioning myself until I do go mad. Disappearing up my own arsehole. Being self absorbed is so 2013.

 

The bottom line is how can I write a self help book if I can't help myself. How can I coach people in life, recovery or fitness if I'm not doing it myself? So I decided to write this self confession blog. This journal of self help. In the hope that it will help you. The rest will take care of itself. There is only one power who has the answer. Higher self, Higher power, God or Simon Cowell. Whatever you wish to call it.  

 

So that is what 'Don't You Know Who I think I am' is all about. I hope you join me on this journey in 2014. This is self help through edgy and funny self confession. If I can do it you certainly can because as I truly believe. The truth will set us free and together we are stronger.

 

So strap in, buckle up, sit tight and lets go on this crazy little journey called life together and see where we end up in 12 months time. I like the process of us being in it together. I like the fact people identify with my thoughts, my mind, my worries. People have mailed me, got in touch to share their experience. There seems to be a sense of freedom in me saying what others feel but have been scared to say.

 

This is my attempt to be totally true to myself, to fuck the fear and do it anyway and also become a world famous successful writer/coach in the process (OK that was my ego speaking) If I can help a few people along the way then that will make me feel tip top and if in 3 years time people can say, 'there goes Nick Evans, David Beckham looks a bit like him'. I'll be well chuffed

 

 

 

Happy New Year

 

Together We Are Stronger

 

Nicholas Evans