Do you notice you are being sold to nearly all the time? Do you even realise that most of what you read is a trick to try and get you to buy something?
Whether it be an inspirational blog, Facebook post, Podcast, TV show or just a random quote. They are mostly part of a campaign to get you to buy something.
Take the self help industry or wellness/health. People do podcasts, blogs, post inspirational quotes for a reason. They want you to read their work and sell you a product, a service or be part of their community so you will tell your friends. Publishers will NOT publish anyone unless they have a large social media following. Do you really think they are posting because they want to help you.
No - everyone is on the take. It's all part of the consumer circle. Create a need and sell more product. It's just the way of the world. I wouldn't mind but most try and cover it up, deny it or worse still consume it without even knowing.
There are certain techniques people use, it's just that some are more subtle and better than others.
YOU MUST READ/WATCH/SEE THIS.....is just one example of a hard sell.
The More subtle ones are;
5 WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT/GET HAPPY/GET RICH/BE MORE SUCCESSFUL....usually the self help gurus will pick a shortcoming or root of unhappiness and tantalisingly offer the reader an easy to understand way to get out of it.
Then they will condense the text into a short list under really short and to the point headings. Why? Because we're lazy bastards and now merely glance at text. It's not our fault of course, it's because we're being bombarded with shit, plus the art of reading and concentration is rapidly decreasing. But then again you probably didn't read that sentence because it was too long and required to much effort. Anyway, you're only skim reading this over 'I'm a celebrity anyway'. Probably.
Back to the technique;
5 WAYS TO GET HAPPY/BUILD ESTEEMLOSE WEIGHT/ GET RIPPED/SOBER/
1 - BIG HEADER ITEM TO GRAB YOUR ATTENTION - some kind of dynamic statement that will scare you/make you think
2 - SOMETHING YOU CONNECT WITH - make them feel they're on your side
3 - NOW FOR THE BIG HIT - something to eradicate the problem
4 - SCARE THE SHIT - it's number 4 so you've warmed them up, they are ready for the real depth charge by now
5 - LEAVE THEM HANGING - this is the solution but you need to read more, click through or do something to get the full picture
Of course the really clever ones will not sell you anything. Instead they will just post a little, something punchy or enigmatic or challenging. This is teasing you. They will Give you free information in the hope you become a disciple of their GURU words, share it, claim it as your own, own part of their credibility in your own community and become their champion. What happens then? They sell more shit of course. Courtesy of you. Success!! Come on suckers can you not see it.
Facebook is full of inspirational quotes with images of legendary characters next to them. Dumbing down the greatest thinkers of our times into a sound-bite. The one that really winds me up is 'Fitspiration' - don't get me started on those bulbous cunts. Moronic meatheads desperately posting quotes that mean little, encouraging people to push beyond, never give up and achieve your goals. I hate that so much. It really winds me up. They are the worst exponents of this crass sales technique. It's so false, lacking in empathy, human spirit and understanding it makes my steroid enhanced blood boil.
Then finally when you have done the headline, posted the 5 ways to or inspirational quote, you direct people to your book/Podcast/website/services in order to 'build your customer base' so that you can prove your 'audience outreach' for publishers, TV companies or whatever the fuck these fiercely ambitious capitalist cunts are seeking.
Do not be fooled readers you are being sold too. Even when you don't think you are. The next time you hear Band Aid 30 in the shops just remember they are all doing it for their corporate profile and PR value. They are selling to you. Do not be fooled. I'm sure Sir Bob in his 14 room mansion and off shore tax avoidance scheme would take umbrage at that, but next time you read something altruistic and human spirited, dig a little more and see if they have a website, donations policy, service agreement, book to sell or something else commercial. Because if they are you can sure as shit they are trying to earn a pound note out of you first and help you second. Let's get honest.
Its not a bad thing. I am not renouncing it. Fuck me, I want to join them in the future for Gods sake. I just think we should all be aware that's all. Then we can make good decisions about which are the real ones and which ones are not. Lets cut the bullshit and get to the truth.
Rant over
#TWAS
Nicholas E Evans
Monday, November 17, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Day 164 - Glass is mostly half empty but what if it's half full?
"An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity." Sir Winston Churchill
Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? A pessimist or optimist?
Me, I'm a pessimist. Naturally wired to be negative. Either on myself or others. It generally doesn't matter.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a negative 'wo with me piece', because today I'm going to give myself a break from being negative. I've decided, just for today, the glass is half full.
Seeing as my natural default setting to be pessimistic, I'm the sort of guy who if I won the lottery would say, 'but it wasn't the Euro though was it', it's not easy. That's not to say it's impossible. If you don't try you don't get.
A guy from AA (whom I resented by the way, naturally) used to go on about negative people always using the four C's. "They condemn, contrast, criticise and condone." Personally I always thought he missed a C when talking about himself, but that's just my resentful head.
I get his point though. When you are wired to be judgmental, critical and negative. It takes a lot to let light in. Making up your mind about people and situations based upon your negativity is close minded. If it's as naturally to you as blinking or breathing, it takes a massive effort to change the way you are. I'm sure most people will identify how hard it is to do what isn't natural for you.
Negativity is a safety valve. If something goes wrong you can absolve any responsibility by saying, 'I told you so'. Same with self hatred, if you are constantly down on yourself it can perpetuate those comfortable feelings of less than and separate you from the world.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of negativity. The feelings of self pity and low self esteem are never far away. When mixed with a constant negative inner commentary and an enormous ego then the gloves are off. Using (through substances or behaviour) just perpetuates that myth and feeling of 'done it again you idiot'. That's why it's such a lonely, secretive and annoying for others disease. People who don't have it just feel frustrated and annoyed with the addict as ultimately it's really selfish, self absorbed and negative.
It's as much egotistical to think you are a piece of shit as you are the dogs bollocks. Either way you are letting your ego run the show. I do it much of the time, usually without realising.
So, today. I was in a meeting, after meditating for 10 minutes this morning. I've had a busy week. A hard week. Work has been tough. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed and in some parts out of my depth. Then when my head gets like that all other areas of my life begin to feel shit stained. Problems are magnified and I turn it in on myself. This of course, leads to a change in behaviour. Snappy, intolerant, hurried. You lose the sight of life very quickly.
You get to the point, as I did last night, when you are trying to get to you 8pm meeting in Richmond where you have a commitment. Late from work, busy day, pissing rain, gloomy head, packed commute, running late.
Then at Clapham Junction the conductor announces over the tannoy:
"all trains to Richmond terminate here because of a fatality on the line at St Margarets."
"Fuckkkkkkk!!!!!" Selfish bastard!!!!
Cue massive sigh from the packed coach. Not in sympathy at the poor bastard that died but the inconvenience to their commute. Such is the life of a Londoner. You can truly consider yourself one when your reaction is one of pure anger than compassion.
My reaction was the same. I didn't think of the guy who died. Of his family. Of the value of human life. Of the futility of being busy and needing to get somewhere. I didn't stop to think of humanity, just my own massive importance. I'm not a fan of this way of being and i saw it this morning.
The reality is of course none of us are that significant. People die, we get sad and the world still turns. It's harsh but that's the way it is.
I spend so much time putting myself down in my head. This week without any order or details. I have thought I'm not good enough, I'm not a real man, I'm out of my depth, I'll never amount to much, I'll never be a success, I'm not as good as him or her and so it went on. The internal commentary of doom.
Then of course castigating myself for being judgmental or spikey. Left in my own head this shit is poison. The only answer is to get out of your head. This is where substances become so appealing.
If I focus on what I don't have or what's bad, it gets worse. You can see no joy. There is no gratitude. Life becomes grey and treacle.
So what was the answer?
Went to a couple of meetings, shared the poison in my head, meditated, listened to others and read. I came to the conclusion this morning that fuck it. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of being negative to me. What purpose does it serve?
The outcome of something will be exactly the same no matter if I project negative or positive. It will still happen. The world will still turn it's my attitude to it that makes it turn just that little bit brighter.
If I project negative externally and internally then bad things will happen. We make our own life depending on our attitude, so says the law of attraction. i used to think that was shit, that the cooler people were the negative ones, I'm starting to doubt that theory now. Perhaps I'm becoming more open minded in middle age.
So what if I'm odd, spikey, have a weird head. So what if I don't own my own house, have zillions in the bank and not pulling in 1.2million followers like Russell Brand (that's another trait of the negative, extreme jealousy, resentment but ultimate sloth to do something yourself just criticise others it's much easier)
I'm going to relax and do something I haven't for ages. Take a day off from my head and enjoy what happens no matter what. I'm going to have fun!
I'm off for a run now around Richmond park. The suns out, my back feels OK and life is sweet. Just for today.
Nicholas E Evans
xx
Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? A pessimist or optimist?
Me, I'm a pessimist. Naturally wired to be negative. Either on myself or others. It generally doesn't matter.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a negative 'wo with me piece', because today I'm going to give myself a break from being negative. I've decided, just for today, the glass is half full.
Seeing as my natural default setting to be pessimistic, I'm the sort of guy who if I won the lottery would say, 'but it wasn't the Euro though was it', it's not easy. That's not to say it's impossible. If you don't try you don't get.
A guy from AA (whom I resented by the way, naturally) used to go on about negative people always using the four C's. "They condemn, contrast, criticise and condone." Personally I always thought he missed a C when talking about himself, but that's just my resentful head.
I get his point though. When you are wired to be judgmental, critical and negative. It takes a lot to let light in. Making up your mind about people and situations based upon your negativity is close minded. If it's as naturally to you as blinking or breathing, it takes a massive effort to change the way you are. I'm sure most people will identify how hard it is to do what isn't natural for you.
Negativity is a safety valve. If something goes wrong you can absolve any responsibility by saying, 'I told you so'. Same with self hatred, if you are constantly down on yourself it can perpetuate those comfortable feelings of less than and separate you from the world.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of negativity. The feelings of self pity and low self esteem are never far away. When mixed with a constant negative inner commentary and an enormous ego then the gloves are off. Using (through substances or behaviour) just perpetuates that myth and feeling of 'done it again you idiot'. That's why it's such a lonely, secretive and annoying for others disease. People who don't have it just feel frustrated and annoyed with the addict as ultimately it's really selfish, self absorbed and negative.
It's as much egotistical to think you are a piece of shit as you are the dogs bollocks. Either way you are letting your ego run the show. I do it much of the time, usually without realising.
So, today. I was in a meeting, after meditating for 10 minutes this morning. I've had a busy week. A hard week. Work has been tough. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed and in some parts out of my depth. Then when my head gets like that all other areas of my life begin to feel shit stained. Problems are magnified and I turn it in on myself. This of course, leads to a change in behaviour. Snappy, intolerant, hurried. You lose the sight of life very quickly.
You get to the point, as I did last night, when you are trying to get to you 8pm meeting in Richmond where you have a commitment. Late from work, busy day, pissing rain, gloomy head, packed commute, running late.
Then at Clapham Junction the conductor announces over the tannoy:
"all trains to Richmond terminate here because of a fatality on the line at St Margarets."
"Fuckkkkkkk!!!!!" Selfish bastard!!!!
Cue massive sigh from the packed coach. Not in sympathy at the poor bastard that died but the inconvenience to their commute. Such is the life of a Londoner. You can truly consider yourself one when your reaction is one of pure anger than compassion.
My reaction was the same. I didn't think of the guy who died. Of his family. Of the value of human life. Of the futility of being busy and needing to get somewhere. I didn't stop to think of humanity, just my own massive importance. I'm not a fan of this way of being and i saw it this morning.
The reality is of course none of us are that significant. People die, we get sad and the world still turns. It's harsh but that's the way it is.
I spend so much time putting myself down in my head. This week without any order or details. I have thought I'm not good enough, I'm not a real man, I'm out of my depth, I'll never amount to much, I'll never be a success, I'm not as good as him or her and so it went on. The internal commentary of doom.
Then of course castigating myself for being judgmental or spikey. Left in my own head this shit is poison. The only answer is to get out of your head. This is where substances become so appealing.
If I focus on what I don't have or what's bad, it gets worse. You can see no joy. There is no gratitude. Life becomes grey and treacle.
So what was the answer?
Went to a couple of meetings, shared the poison in my head, meditated, listened to others and read. I came to the conclusion this morning that fuck it. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of being negative to me. What purpose does it serve?
The outcome of something will be exactly the same no matter if I project negative or positive. It will still happen. The world will still turn it's my attitude to it that makes it turn just that little bit brighter.
If I project negative externally and internally then bad things will happen. We make our own life depending on our attitude, so says the law of attraction. i used to think that was shit, that the cooler people were the negative ones, I'm starting to doubt that theory now. Perhaps I'm becoming more open minded in middle age.
So what if I'm odd, spikey, have a weird head. So what if I don't own my own house, have zillions in the bank and not pulling in 1.2million followers like Russell Brand (that's another trait of the negative, extreme jealousy, resentment but ultimate sloth to do something yourself just criticise others it's much easier)
I'm going to relax and do something I haven't for ages. Take a day off from my head and enjoy what happens no matter what. I'm going to have fun!
I'm off for a run now around Richmond park. The suns out, my back feels OK and life is sweet. Just for today.
Nicholas E Evans
xx
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Day 163 - Heston Blumenthal Sparks Wild Frenzy in Barnes Pub - The Human Zoo
We live in peculiar celebrity obsessed times. The Human Zoo.
A whole cottage industry of magazines, newspapers, media channels and TV shows have been created purely for 'celebrity culture'. The cult of celebrity has never been higher. I witnessed this at first hand yesterday.
It's not a new thing of course. Even as far back as the 50's, perhaps even earlier, you've always had entertainers to entertain the masses. Musicians, actors, comedians, creative types create entertainment for 'normal' people to take them out of their daily 'normal' existence. This this has helped create 'fans', which particularly took off in the 60's when Pop music became hugely popular.
It's been growing ever since, and as the media and digital TV and entertainment channels have increased. Satellite TV, more channels, increased magazines, media, social media etc - so has the creation and consumption of entertainment.
To be a celebrity is to be someone. Like a badge of honour. Feted Talked about. Dissected. Admired. Reviled. But always noticed. Of course in modern self obsessed 'look at me' times of the selfie and reality TV being a celebrity is the ultimate approval in 'look at me, I'm important'. Even so called 'stars' will have a team of publicists working on their image and media placing, in order to get maximum exposure. Nothing seems natural anymore.
In the old days you became a 'celebrity' or star because you had talent, were really good at something or had something to offer. It was essentially based on talent. As times have changed and the media and tastes have changed the net has widened. There are now different categories of celebrities - some highly talented, others 'd-listers' who are dumb fucks, but struck lucky because of reality TV. (and are desperate)
What I find nauseating is the sense of entitlement and arrogance that come with 'being someone'. I've seen up close the arrogance displayed by so called 'celebrities' because they are special and different and better than 'normal' people. The superiority thing really gets on my tits.
Having said that I have met some proper A-Listers who are as good as Gold. And to be fair I wouldn't mind it if they were proper arrogant cunts. They are proper A-listers and I would kind of expect that. But most I have met are proper good people, so I am not tarring everyone with the same brush. It's the B,C,D and Z listers with a superiority complex that wind me up.
Having said that. The consumers of this endless celebrity drivel get right on my tits too. The 'public'. Everyone who buys heat Magazine (or similar), watches reality TV, X factor or consumes any celebrity lifestyle media creation is all part of the same cycle and call all fuck off. (Granted I may have just lost 90% of my readers here)
My life is dull, there-fore I will watch, read, consume other people in order to look at, judge, criticise, have something to talk about- thus placing them (the celebrity culture) up there and me (normal people) down there. We are better than that!!!
We, are as much to blame, if not more so because we are the ones that consume the mindless shit. If nobody watched X factor there wouldn't be advertisers to fund the programme and it wouldn't get made. If it wasn't made, there wouldn't be winners every year who then appear on magazines for 5 minutes, become part of the 'celeb' merry go round and then get spat out the other end ready for the next one to replace them. It's so fucking dull and annoying and we have to take our share of the blame. Lets get off it. Stop watching this shit!
Do not engage with banal shit. You are then as much part of the mechanism as anyone else. Rise above it people! Don't watch the X factor or be part of Brand's revolution. He's as much part of it trying to sell books, fund tours and earn a pound note by being 'anti-establishment' - oh really?
If someone is earning then there is a motive. Simple.
So what sparked this rant? I was in a pub in Barnes last night, having a nice chilled late Saturday afternoon nosh up and drinks. It's a top little pub, The Sun Inn, Barnes Pond. It was busy, people were sat around having drinks, eating. Couples, groups of friends. Classic Saturday tea-time social time.
England had played that afternoon so South West London and particularly Richmond/Twickenham/Barnes is choca-bloc full of middle aged, middle class men in courdroy/Barbour jackets/ill fitting replica Rugby jersey's on the piss. Like a mass Dad convention sponsored by The Daily Telegraph. It is horrific.
So we're in the pub and Heston Blumenthal, Jack Whitehall, Austin Healey and a group of friends walk in. Talk about an odd combination. Plus the pub reacted like Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and John Lennon had risen from the dead and walked in. Fuck me, it was insane. People reacted like Jesus had walked in.
They sat at a table next to us and started to sink a few beers and have a laugh. A Group of friends just having post Rugby banter together. It just happened that one of them was the owner and creator of one of the best restaurants in the world and a 'celeb chef', (though in my opinion the Ringers which was the pub before he took it over and called it the Fat Duck Inn, as me and my mates used to go there after school and drink Snake Bite & Black and get mullered before Heston bought it and turned it into a 3 Michelin star restaurant. Bastard. It will always be the Ringers in my eyes, hey Bray posy?) one was a comedian of exceptional talent if not a little annoying and another guy was good at throwing a oval shaped ball about and is on TV as a pundit. A peculiar combination indeed.
The table next door of girls got out their phones and kept looking over. People from other areas of the pub came over to stare. Because we were sat near them it was unnerving, we were in the eye-line and I got really fucked off.
What is wrong with people. OK, a quick glance up and 'fuck me its that chef, comedian and bloke who looks vaguely familiar', tell your mates have a look over and then get on with your own conversation. But to stare, come up, take pics, tweet it, Facebook it and make it THE central part of your experience for 2 hours. Are we that fascinated by celebrities lives that they become talking points of our own?
And that was it right there for me. That encapsulated the modern celeb machine, they were centre of most people's attention in the pub. I understood it there and then. In real life. The 'celeb' table were just having a good time. Yet they became stars of the human zoo as a lot (not all) of the pub became the audience and consumers. And thus created the hierarchy - them up there. us down there. They were the TV show, or magazine, or book and we were the consumers because we were fascinated. People annoyed me.
So my anger is not against the 'celebs' but the consumers of them. By the pub. By the 'public'. By the starers, the gawpers, the table next door endlessly looking, taking photos, talking about them. By us!
But why was I so annoyed? Why get angry? Why rant and write about it? What is behind that anger Nicholas?
Well, it's clear isn't it. Clear as day.
Because they weren't looking at me!!! The cunts were ignoring me and looking at the Chef. This self obsessed, arrogant, egotistical, look at me ego maniac alcoholic has been that never was, was bin the shadow of others. I never react well to that. My ego takes over and doesn't allow it.
Others in my vicinity were getting far more attention than me. My ego hated it. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be looked at, talked about, photo'd. My ego demands that. To be above, superior. Centre of attention.
My ego was jealous. And what happens when it gets jealous. It gets angry of course.
That I suspect is the brutal truth. Granted some people are morons and consume this cultural shit, but I have to own up to my part and when people were looking over towards me yesterday, they were not looking at me, they were looking OVER me to the chef, comedian and vaguely familiar looking bloke who used to play Rugby.
It's not that I'm jealous or have a deep rooted sense of entitlement myself. Oh hang on wait. it is and I do. Jesus, good job I'm not one. Could you imagine? I'd be a nightmare.
Nicholas E Evans
A whole cottage industry of magazines, newspapers, media channels and TV shows have been created purely for 'celebrity culture'. The cult of celebrity has never been higher. I witnessed this at first hand yesterday.
It's not a new thing of course. Even as far back as the 50's, perhaps even earlier, you've always had entertainers to entertain the masses. Musicians, actors, comedians, creative types create entertainment for 'normal' people to take them out of their daily 'normal' existence. This this has helped create 'fans', which particularly took off in the 60's when Pop music became hugely popular.
It's been growing ever since, and as the media and digital TV and entertainment channels have increased. Satellite TV, more channels, increased magazines, media, social media etc - so has the creation and consumption of entertainment.
To be a celebrity is to be someone. Like a badge of honour. Feted Talked about. Dissected. Admired. Reviled. But always noticed. Of course in modern self obsessed 'look at me' times of the selfie and reality TV being a celebrity is the ultimate approval in 'look at me, I'm important'. Even so called 'stars' will have a team of publicists working on their image and media placing, in order to get maximum exposure. Nothing seems natural anymore.
In the old days you became a 'celebrity' or star because you had talent, were really good at something or had something to offer. It was essentially based on talent. As times have changed and the media and tastes have changed the net has widened. There are now different categories of celebrities - some highly talented, others 'd-listers' who are dumb fucks, but struck lucky because of reality TV. (and are desperate)
What I find nauseating is the sense of entitlement and arrogance that come with 'being someone'. I've seen up close the arrogance displayed by so called 'celebrities' because they are special and different and better than 'normal' people. The superiority thing really gets on my tits.
Having said that I have met some proper A-Listers who are as good as Gold. And to be fair I wouldn't mind it if they were proper arrogant cunts. They are proper A-listers and I would kind of expect that. But most I have met are proper good people, so I am not tarring everyone with the same brush. It's the B,C,D and Z listers with a superiority complex that wind me up.
Having said that. The consumers of this endless celebrity drivel get right on my tits too. The 'public'. Everyone who buys heat Magazine (or similar), watches reality TV, X factor or consumes any celebrity lifestyle media creation is all part of the same cycle and call all fuck off. (Granted I may have just lost 90% of my readers here)
My life is dull, there-fore I will watch, read, consume other people in order to look at, judge, criticise, have something to talk about- thus placing them (the celebrity culture) up there and me (normal people) down there. We are better than that!!!
We, are as much to blame, if not more so because we are the ones that consume the mindless shit. If nobody watched X factor there wouldn't be advertisers to fund the programme and it wouldn't get made. If it wasn't made, there wouldn't be winners every year who then appear on magazines for 5 minutes, become part of the 'celeb' merry go round and then get spat out the other end ready for the next one to replace them. It's so fucking dull and annoying and we have to take our share of the blame. Lets get off it. Stop watching this shit!
Do not engage with banal shit. You are then as much part of the mechanism as anyone else. Rise above it people! Don't watch the X factor or be part of Brand's revolution. He's as much part of it trying to sell books, fund tours and earn a pound note by being 'anti-establishment' - oh really?
If someone is earning then there is a motive. Simple.
So what sparked this rant? I was in a pub in Barnes last night, having a nice chilled late Saturday afternoon nosh up and drinks. It's a top little pub, The Sun Inn, Barnes Pond. It was busy, people were sat around having drinks, eating. Couples, groups of friends. Classic Saturday tea-time social time.
England had played that afternoon so South West London and particularly Richmond/Twickenham/Barnes is choca-bloc full of middle aged, middle class men in courdroy/Barbour jackets/ill fitting replica Rugby jersey's on the piss. Like a mass Dad convention sponsored by The Daily Telegraph. It is horrific.
So we're in the pub and Heston Blumenthal, Jack Whitehall, Austin Healey and a group of friends walk in. Talk about an odd combination. Plus the pub reacted like Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and John Lennon had risen from the dead and walked in. Fuck me, it was insane. People reacted like Jesus had walked in.
They sat at a table next to us and started to sink a few beers and have a laugh. A Group of friends just having post Rugby banter together. It just happened that one of them was the owner and creator of one of the best restaurants in the world and a 'celeb chef', (though in my opinion the Ringers which was the pub before he took it over and called it the Fat Duck Inn, as me and my mates used to go there after school and drink Snake Bite & Black and get mullered before Heston bought it and turned it into a 3 Michelin star restaurant. Bastard. It will always be the Ringers in my eyes, hey Bray posy?) one was a comedian of exceptional talent if not a little annoying and another guy was good at throwing a oval shaped ball about and is on TV as a pundit. A peculiar combination indeed.
The table next door of girls got out their phones and kept looking over. People from other areas of the pub came over to stare. Because we were sat near them it was unnerving, we were in the eye-line and I got really fucked off.
What is wrong with people. OK, a quick glance up and 'fuck me its that chef, comedian and bloke who looks vaguely familiar', tell your mates have a look over and then get on with your own conversation. But to stare, come up, take pics, tweet it, Facebook it and make it THE central part of your experience for 2 hours. Are we that fascinated by celebrities lives that they become talking points of our own?
And that was it right there for me. That encapsulated the modern celeb machine, they were centre of most people's attention in the pub. I understood it there and then. In real life. The 'celeb' table were just having a good time. Yet they became stars of the human zoo as a lot (not all) of the pub became the audience and consumers. And thus created the hierarchy - them up there. us down there. They were the TV show, or magazine, or book and we were the consumers because we were fascinated. People annoyed me.
So my anger is not against the 'celebs' but the consumers of them. By the pub. By the 'public'. By the starers, the gawpers, the table next door endlessly looking, taking photos, talking about them. By us!
But why was I so annoyed? Why get angry? Why rant and write about it? What is behind that anger Nicholas?
Well, it's clear isn't it. Clear as day.
Because they weren't looking at me!!! The cunts were ignoring me and looking at the Chef. This self obsessed, arrogant, egotistical, look at me ego maniac alcoholic has been that never was, was bin the shadow of others. I never react well to that. My ego takes over and doesn't allow it.
Others in my vicinity were getting far more attention than me. My ego hated it. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be looked at, talked about, photo'd. My ego demands that. To be above, superior. Centre of attention.
My ego was jealous. And what happens when it gets jealous. It gets angry of course.
That I suspect is the brutal truth. Granted some people are morons and consume this cultural shit, but I have to own up to my part and when people were looking over towards me yesterday, they were not looking at me, they were looking OVER me to the chef, comedian and vaguely familiar looking bloke who used to play Rugby.
It's not that I'm jealous or have a deep rooted sense of entitlement myself. Oh hang on wait. it is and I do. Jesus, good job I'm not one. Could you imagine? I'd be a nightmare.
Nicholas E Evans
Friday, November 7, 2014
Day 162 - So where's my reward at the end of the week?
It's Friday night. It's 11pm. I'm just home from my fabulous home group in Richmond, straight from work. It's been a full on week. Ultra busy, long hours, a little bit stressful. I'm tired. Really tired. Where's my reward for being good?
Alcoholics are renowned for wanting a pat on the head just to do the simplest things. I am constantly disappointed when the train carriage doesn't break into spontaneous applause just for me doing a full day's work. Heroic!
Getting a grown up job requires grown up responsibilities. It's mentally taxing being answerable and responsible. The pressure is on. Mix that with the daily commute, the relentless bustle and strain of London and you have yourself a hectic week. Hooray for Friday.
I don't know if you get this feeling after a full on week but I've got the, "where's my reward for a hard week a work?" syndrome.
You know the one. Where you want to cut loose. Break out of the week's serious focused toil. Friday night is perfect night to blow your socks off and get out of real life. I want a reward!
For some it's a night on the sofa, feet up, curled up, glass of wine, Chinese take-away, Graham Norton on the box (sadly not the electric chair). Some do the gym, others (like me) a meeting or some tear the arse out of the night on thrills and pills and Magners. Some like to spend the night trussed up in a bondage club or chasing women around London.
me? I'm sat in with some corned beef and pickle and a cup of tea. Where did it all go wrong?
I've always subscribed to work hard, play hard. But when you're a recovering alcoholic, a meeting is always a good release to 'get out of your head', but sometimes when you've had a stressful time, it just doesn't cut it and you want to blast off and cut loose. That's how I'm feeling tonight.
I want a reward for being good all week and I want to 'get out of my head'. It's not too abnormal, God knows most people are out and about in one way or other tonight getting on it.
I rarely feel this way, it's not like I'm craving a drink or drug. I'm not pissed off, unhappy or disturbed. It's just I've had a full on week and I want to let off steam.
Trouble is the closest I'm going to get to that is Series 1 of Kalifornication. Someone suggested I watch it. Apparently it's about a sex addicted writer. Think they're trying to tell me something?
Still, it may make me feel better. After all, staying in on a Friday watching a DVD box set means I cannot be a sex addict. Mind you if I abandon it at 3am to go to 'Rio's' I may have to revisit that statement.
I will be in bed soon being massively rock and roll with a cup of tea and pack of Kleenex. My reward for a hard week at work tonight? Well it's writing to you of course. That and some buttered meat, 2 cups of tea and a tip top meeting. It's OK to want things. Best to express than act out in my book. It's not a bad old life really, I've just got to convince myself the whole world isn't out tonight on a Friday night having the best time ever. Some are staying in watching Graham Norton. See, that makes me feel better already.
Have a good weekend.
Nicholas E Evans
Alcoholics are renowned for wanting a pat on the head just to do the simplest things. I am constantly disappointed when the train carriage doesn't break into spontaneous applause just for me doing a full day's work. Heroic!
Getting a grown up job requires grown up responsibilities. It's mentally taxing being answerable and responsible. The pressure is on. Mix that with the daily commute, the relentless bustle and strain of London and you have yourself a hectic week. Hooray for Friday.
I don't know if you get this feeling after a full on week but I've got the, "where's my reward for a hard week a work?" syndrome.
You know the one. Where you want to cut loose. Break out of the week's serious focused toil. Friday night is perfect night to blow your socks off and get out of real life. I want a reward!
For some it's a night on the sofa, feet up, curled up, glass of wine, Chinese take-away, Graham Norton on the box (sadly not the electric chair). Some do the gym, others (like me) a meeting or some tear the arse out of the night on thrills and pills and Magners. Some like to spend the night trussed up in a bondage club or chasing women around London.
me? I'm sat in with some corned beef and pickle and a cup of tea. Where did it all go wrong?
I've always subscribed to work hard, play hard. But when you're a recovering alcoholic, a meeting is always a good release to 'get out of your head', but sometimes when you've had a stressful time, it just doesn't cut it and you want to blast off and cut loose. That's how I'm feeling tonight.
I want a reward for being good all week and I want to 'get out of my head'. It's not too abnormal, God knows most people are out and about in one way or other tonight getting on it.
I rarely feel this way, it's not like I'm craving a drink or drug. I'm not pissed off, unhappy or disturbed. It's just I've had a full on week and I want to let off steam.
Trouble is the closest I'm going to get to that is Series 1 of Kalifornication. Someone suggested I watch it. Apparently it's about a sex addicted writer. Think they're trying to tell me something?
Still, it may make me feel better. After all, staying in on a Friday watching a DVD box set means I cannot be a sex addict. Mind you if I abandon it at 3am to go to 'Rio's' I may have to revisit that statement.
I will be in bed soon being massively rock and roll with a cup of tea and pack of Kleenex. My reward for a hard week at work tonight? Well it's writing to you of course. That and some buttered meat, 2 cups of tea and a tip top meeting. It's OK to want things. Best to express than act out in my book. It's not a bad old life really, I've just got to convince myself the whole world isn't out tonight on a Friday night having the best time ever. Some are staying in watching Graham Norton. See, that makes me feel better already.
Have a good weekend.
Nicholas E Evans
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Day 161 - I Love a Good Resentment me....
Resentment is the Number 1 offender. So says all AA literature.
So why is that, even though I have been going for 13 years, that I haven't taken a drink in all that time, that I've sat through 1000's of meetings, read the steps, the programme, pray, write endless gratitude lists and help an occasional newcomer, do I consistently return back to resentment?
I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. It simply feels too natural. Perhaps I am addicted to resentment and anger. Of course justifiable anger is the best. Man that tastes good. You know the one, when someone really has done harm to you, no matter how small? Boy, do us alcoholics love to sharpen that one and cultivate a sense of wounded pride. That's fertile breeding ground for bile and hatred. tastes sweet for a bit and ultra painful in the long run.
The self pity, sense of injustice, wounded pride, jilted ego all collide to make a perfect storm of resentment and rage. Unchecked this can turn into a cluster fuck of hatred and bile. Like an angry drone strike. Peppering everyone and everything in your wake.
It can poison everything. Sure, when you've got a few years sobriety in the tank you can keep a lid on it and still perform and function reasonably normally. Turn up for work, speak to people on the phone, pretend nothing is wrong. But all the time it is ticking inside you like a slow bomb. Ready to be detonated at the right time.
Resentment and justifiable anger are truly dangerous beasts.
I simply can't let them go sometimes. It's like an addiction. Feeding off them. Feeling the energy and adrenaline that flows. Anger is an emotion and an addictive one at that. If you walk around this planet not only wanting to be right but for everyone to recognise it, it becomes a really difficult place to be.
I've been there for the past few days.
The main one was against the girl I've been seeing. Then not seeing. Then seeing. Then not seeing. Off and on more times than the covers at Wimbledon. Exhausting.
On this occasion though I was DEFINATELY right. Well within my rights to be fucked off and angry. Or so I thought. And so I sat in it for a number of days.
Then of course this anger and resentment starts to attract other minor ones. People at work, home life, living situation, the daily commute, habits, meetings, AA. Pretty much everything becomes slightly turd coloured and annoying. Before you know it you have turned into one miserable bastard who desperately searches for that magic phrase, "you're right Nick. We're so sorry."
Why the hell is that so important? Is the lack of self so vast the ego needs boosting to be seen as right. Ridiculous.
This situation tends to happen when one is low on meetings and full of self. This tends to cause problems. If your spiritual programme is out of the window, you are locked in ego and self. Lets face it when in that state pretty much everything is going to piss you off.
I create my own life. I choose it. I choose the people. And if I choose annoying ones it's obviously for a reason. There are clearly lessons to learn, but my natural state is to shout, scream, complain, holler, demand they change, demand they recognise and then get royally fucked off when they don't. Rather than learn. Genius!
Eventually what tends to happen after a few days, the red mist clears and I am left with a semblance of calm, Then pray like mad I haven't caused too much carnage in my wake, and try and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
That's not to say I'm to blame for everything. To think that is another form of egoic pride. The piece of shit at the centre of the universe syndrome is an unhealthy one. Not everything is my fault. Some people are flawed. Some are downright difficult bastards.
We can't get it right all the time can we? As AA teaches us (which by the way I forget everyday) There is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Easy to say, I wonder how much good is in the double murder dude in Hong Kong. No doubt he was off his tits on some kind of chemicals doing that grisly deed.
Anyway I digress. The point I'm coming to is that tonight I am no longer in anger or resentment. It has passed thank God and the world is a level playing field once again. That's not to say it hasn't got it's problems. Life tends to provide those on a rather frustratingly regular basis.
But just for today I am a lucky boy. I am warm, I have a roof over my head. I haven't got 6 kids to stress about, I have a decent job, the steroid injections in my back appear to have worked and I'm pain free for the first time in 18 months. Result. I even did the late night Gym session and got to look at myself in the mirror for longer than is healthy. #Selfobsession.
I'm back on track. I even got those immortal words tonight, 'I'm sorry Nick'. Remarkable. And you know what is remarkable? I said 'I'm sorry' too, and actually meant it with heart. The trick, wise men, as I so often write, is to learn and eradicate said behaviours. That one I'm still learning.
In fact, if I was a betting man I'd lay a tenner on pretty short odds I'll be writing something similar in the not too distant future. I never said I was wise yet did I?
Keep on rocking in the not so free world readers. And make sure if you do get in to anger and resentment you don't pray or ask God to relieve it immediately. Stay in it for a good few days until you want to punch people on the train, quit your job, break up from your bird and move to Goa.
Yes, if you follow my way of living, you too can reach such spiritual heights at 13 years sober.
Love you all
Nicholas E Evans
So why is that, even though I have been going for 13 years, that I haven't taken a drink in all that time, that I've sat through 1000's of meetings, read the steps, the programme, pray, write endless gratitude lists and help an occasional newcomer, do I consistently return back to resentment?
I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. It simply feels too natural. Perhaps I am addicted to resentment and anger. Of course justifiable anger is the best. Man that tastes good. You know the one, when someone really has done harm to you, no matter how small? Boy, do us alcoholics love to sharpen that one and cultivate a sense of wounded pride. That's fertile breeding ground for bile and hatred. tastes sweet for a bit and ultra painful in the long run.
The self pity, sense of injustice, wounded pride, jilted ego all collide to make a perfect storm of resentment and rage. Unchecked this can turn into a cluster fuck of hatred and bile. Like an angry drone strike. Peppering everyone and everything in your wake.
It can poison everything. Sure, when you've got a few years sobriety in the tank you can keep a lid on it and still perform and function reasonably normally. Turn up for work, speak to people on the phone, pretend nothing is wrong. But all the time it is ticking inside you like a slow bomb. Ready to be detonated at the right time.
Resentment and justifiable anger are truly dangerous beasts.
I simply can't let them go sometimes. It's like an addiction. Feeding off them. Feeling the energy and adrenaline that flows. Anger is an emotion and an addictive one at that. If you walk around this planet not only wanting to be right but for everyone to recognise it, it becomes a really difficult place to be.
I've been there for the past few days.
The main one was against the girl I've been seeing. Then not seeing. Then seeing. Then not seeing. Off and on more times than the covers at Wimbledon. Exhausting.
On this occasion though I was DEFINATELY right. Well within my rights to be fucked off and angry. Or so I thought. And so I sat in it for a number of days.
Then of course this anger and resentment starts to attract other minor ones. People at work, home life, living situation, the daily commute, habits, meetings, AA. Pretty much everything becomes slightly turd coloured and annoying. Before you know it you have turned into one miserable bastard who desperately searches for that magic phrase, "you're right Nick. We're so sorry."
Why the hell is that so important? Is the lack of self so vast the ego needs boosting to be seen as right. Ridiculous.
This situation tends to happen when one is low on meetings and full of self. This tends to cause problems. If your spiritual programme is out of the window, you are locked in ego and self. Lets face it when in that state pretty much everything is going to piss you off.
I create my own life. I choose it. I choose the people. And if I choose annoying ones it's obviously for a reason. There are clearly lessons to learn, but my natural state is to shout, scream, complain, holler, demand they change, demand they recognise and then get royally fucked off when they don't. Rather than learn. Genius!
Eventually what tends to happen after a few days, the red mist clears and I am left with a semblance of calm, Then pray like mad I haven't caused too much carnage in my wake, and try and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
That's not to say I'm to blame for everything. To think that is another form of egoic pride. The piece of shit at the centre of the universe syndrome is an unhealthy one. Not everything is my fault. Some people are flawed. Some are downright difficult bastards.
We can't get it right all the time can we? As AA teaches us (which by the way I forget everyday) There is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Easy to say, I wonder how much good is in the double murder dude in Hong Kong. No doubt he was off his tits on some kind of chemicals doing that grisly deed.
Anyway I digress. The point I'm coming to is that tonight I am no longer in anger or resentment. It has passed thank God and the world is a level playing field once again. That's not to say it hasn't got it's problems. Life tends to provide those on a rather frustratingly regular basis.
But just for today I am a lucky boy. I am warm, I have a roof over my head. I haven't got 6 kids to stress about, I have a decent job, the steroid injections in my back appear to have worked and I'm pain free for the first time in 18 months. Result. I even did the late night Gym session and got to look at myself in the mirror for longer than is healthy. #Selfobsession.
I'm back on track. I even got those immortal words tonight, 'I'm sorry Nick'. Remarkable. And you know what is remarkable? I said 'I'm sorry' too, and actually meant it with heart. The trick, wise men, as I so often write, is to learn and eradicate said behaviours. That one I'm still learning.
In fact, if I was a betting man I'd lay a tenner on pretty short odds I'll be writing something similar in the not too distant future. I never said I was wise yet did I?
Keep on rocking in the not so free world readers. And make sure if you do get in to anger and resentment you don't pray or ask God to relieve it immediately. Stay in it for a good few days until you want to punch people on the train, quit your job, break up from your bird and move to Goa.
Yes, if you follow my way of living, you too can reach such spiritual heights at 13 years sober.
Love you all
Nicholas E Evans
Monday, November 3, 2014
Day 160 - Checking In........A Quicky
23.51pm. Monday. Busy day. Tired. Up early tomorrow for more of the same. Can't be arsed to write. So I'm writing.
Dull, slow day. Couldn't get going. Not inspired and quiet rumblings of being overwhelmed.
When I feel like this what do I do? Do I role my sleeves up and get stuck in? No of course not, I want to constantly distract, put off, procrastinate and do other more pleasurable pastimes. Like smoke and text. Tragic really.
I didn't of course, I lasted the day but couldn't work it out. I felt pretty fresh and chirpy this morning but sometimes when I enter an office it drains my spirit, creativity and productivity. I must arrest this immediately. I'll put it down to Monday Blues.
I had a top weekend. It was Man Club Weekender Number 3. 4 old school friends, 1 static caravan and a chemical khazi. Recipe for disaster.
We went to Lyme Regis for fossil hunting. The Jurasic Coast and it didn't disappoint. Beautiful sweeping runs along the cliffs, stunning coastline, wide open expanse, fresh air (apart form in the caravan) and loads of fossils 190,000 million years old.
It was the annual man club weekend retreat, where old school friends get together to put me off getting married and having kids. I loved it.
It made me realise I HAVE to be by the sea. I have to get down there often. I felt free, calmer, more relaxed and happier, particularly on stunning coastline. Love it.
I went to an early meeting in the tiny Lyme Regis and bumped into 3 people I knew. I ran 20 miles over the 2 days along the cliffs and had quality time with old mates. What more can I want?
Maybe that contributed to my lack of focus and drive today. We shall see tomorrow.
Until then readers. Today's blog is an exercise in doing something you don't want to do. Write. Granted, it is dull and barely hits 3/10 on blog quality but this one is more for me readers. Not you. Told you I was a selfish bastard.
Nicky Evans
Dull, slow day. Couldn't get going. Not inspired and quiet rumblings of being overwhelmed.
When I feel like this what do I do? Do I role my sleeves up and get stuck in? No of course not, I want to constantly distract, put off, procrastinate and do other more pleasurable pastimes. Like smoke and text. Tragic really.
I didn't of course, I lasted the day but couldn't work it out. I felt pretty fresh and chirpy this morning but sometimes when I enter an office it drains my spirit, creativity and productivity. I must arrest this immediately. I'll put it down to Monday Blues.
I had a top weekend. It was Man Club Weekender Number 3. 4 old school friends, 1 static caravan and a chemical khazi. Recipe for disaster.
We went to Lyme Regis for fossil hunting. The Jurasic Coast and it didn't disappoint. Beautiful sweeping runs along the cliffs, stunning coastline, wide open expanse, fresh air (apart form in the caravan) and loads of fossils 190,000 million years old.
It was the annual man club weekend retreat, where old school friends get together to put me off getting married and having kids. I loved it.
It made me realise I HAVE to be by the sea. I have to get down there often. I felt free, calmer, more relaxed and happier, particularly on stunning coastline. Love it.
I went to an early meeting in the tiny Lyme Regis and bumped into 3 people I knew. I ran 20 miles over the 2 days along the cliffs and had quality time with old mates. What more can I want?
Maybe that contributed to my lack of focus and drive today. We shall see tomorrow.
Until then readers. Today's blog is an exercise in doing something you don't want to do. Write. Granted, it is dull and barely hits 3/10 on blog quality but this one is more for me readers. Not you. Told you I was a selfish bastard.
Nicky Evans
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