It happened again today. In Tesco, Guilford at lunchtime.
I was walking into the store when I passed an old girl. Fair play to her she was still going for it in her 70's. Leggings and heels, (badly) died red hair and leopard print coat. Her face told a thousand stories all of them probably ending in 'so I had a Rothmans'. Deep cracks lined her face. It was not so much 'lived in' but 'born, lived and died in'. She looked proper harsh.
As I walked into the store she was coming out, she stared at me (as lots of people tend to do), freaking me out slightly. "Please don't come on to me. Please don't come on to me" I thought to myself. It would have been like being hit on by Barbara Windsor's Nan, and she's been dead 20 years...... I walked by and she shouted;
"Oi, you remind me of someone", sounding like the wicked witch from Chorlton and the Wheelies
"Who's that darling", knowing what was coming
"David Beckham" and she laughed, a laugh of 1000 fags, then coughed and spat on the floor. Nice
"Thank you" and I scurried off, to scared to engage any further, for fear of death by phlegm.
This is a regular occurrence for me. I'd say on average it happens about 4-6 times a week. Weirdly mostly in Tesco. Possibly because of the demographic of people who shop there, perhaps they haven't had their eyes tested for a good while. I'm not sure. But I do get called Beckham rather a lot.
At work the café girls call me Mr Beckham. For Christmas I got Beckham pants from my girlfriend. Nice pants though a bit tight round the front so clearly I'm more 'hung' than him. But I get it on the street, out shopping. Young kids throw it at me like an insult. A 13 year old on New Years Eve called me 'Beckham's dad'. Even my Mum last summer said, 'I didn't think it before but I saw him in that Sainsbury's advert and you do look a bit like him". Once your own Mother jumps on the bandwagon you know there's something in it.
Personally I can't see it myself. I really don't. Yes I've got blondish hair that's short at the sides but to me that's about where the similarity ends. I'm certainly not going to adorn myself in image led tattoos for show, that's for sure. It's between him and Robbie Williams as the most needlessly tattooed man in the UK. So let's take a look.
The tale of the tape. Me. Nicholas Edward Evans, 41 years old. Height - 6ft 1, Status - Girlfriend, Kids - God No are you joking? I've managed to swerve that responsibility so far. I can barely manage my own sock draw let alone dependants; Previous Clubs - Leicester City FC, Fulham FC; Trophies - Maidenhead Boys U12 league winners 1984, Job - Yes please; Net worth - -£34k, lives - Isleworth, swinging and incest capital of UK
David Beckham; Age 37, Height 5ft 10, Status - married to Posh for 13 years despite all the alleged affairs better for the corporate brand to stay together; Kids 3 or 4 they all look the same; Previous Clubs - Man Utd, Real Madrid, AC Milan, LA Galaxy, Paris St Germain & England; Trophies - Premier league Winner x3 times, European Cup winner, FA Cup winner x2, League Cup, MLS Winner x2, La Ligue x1, -None as good as Maidenhead Boys Under 12 though were they? Job - Fashion label, Pants designer, ambassador for Olympics, Model, MLS owner, Philanthropist, Global role model; Net Worth - £50 million? - Fuck loads more than me
So you see. Hardly any difference is there?
I also get Gordon Ramsay, Bill Nighy and Vigor Mortenson. What the fuck is going on? How can you look like 4 different people at the same time? It's insane.
The weird thing is that 50% of people think I look like Beckham and 50% don't. How can people see the same person and see something totally different? We all have eyes. We all see similar things so it's really interesting how people view things differently.
I guess it's the same with taste. Some people like a certain person and some people can't stand them. But it's odd how people can vary so much in who they think I look like. I suppose it's in a certain light or way or mannerism. You don't have to look exactly like someone to remind them of you.
I could start up a new agency. Instead of a look-a-like one, how about a 'passing resemblance in a certain light-a-like' agency. Instead of the regular £500 for a look-a-like we could charge £10. Then everyone could try and guess who you're a passing resemblance to in a certain light. I think the business plan needs more polish though.
I'll take 'you look like Beckham' though. I guess it's a compliment. I've always been told I look like people. I guess we all have. But it's a mark on how far I've changed in sobriety. When I was drinking it was fat Elvis or Pauline Quirk from Birds of a Feather. (that stung) In mid sobriety it was Dirty Sanchez and Paul from the Salon, these days it's Beckham. I guess that's progress.
Sometimes it's not even looking like Beckham that catches people's attention. I guess because I don't look exactly subtle, I dress and look in the way my ego wants which is 'LOOK AT ME!!!!!' People naturally assume I'm 'someone'
I had it at Crisis this year. This dude looked at me for ages. Finally he came up and said;
"excuse me, are you famous?"
I said, "No, I'm a nobody"
"I thought you were an actor or someone off the tellie"
"Sorry chief no I'm not. I'm a total nobody. I just look like somebody"
Story of my life. Sometimes in my depressive days I get pissed off that people compare to me to somebody who's famous and successful or think I'm a somebody when I'm not and I get all resentful and angry. Thinking, 'why can't I be recognised for being somebody. When am I going to be somebody. Boo Hoo." The expectations and grand 'rights' take over.
What a ridiculous egotistical self piteous twat. Man Up. I've clearly taken myself far too seriously then and need to change the attitude. Still for me it's better to be noticed than not. My ego demands it and secretly deep down I love the attention of course.
If you've spent 41 years placing outside affirmation at the top of your list to make you feel good, all those comments feed it. Hopefully by pursuing this 'Inside Job' it won't matter too much. One day I'll get there and so what if I do or do not look like Beckham. I'll take that over Pauline Quirk all day long. That's the joys of sobriety right there.
Just preferably not from a manky old 70 year old with piss stained leggings hanging around Tesco's. All I can say is, thank God I'm not drinking, it could have been a whole different story. The only thing I'll say on that matter is back in the dark days, I've had worse.
I'm pretty sure Beckham wouldn't be able to say that. We'll leave that one for Wayne Rooney.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas 'You look like Beckham' Evans
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