Mark Twain
Why on earth do I still smoke? It's a ridiculous habit. Nasty little smelly things that serve no purpose whatsoever. There is absolutely no justification in having a smoking habit.
They are not mood altering. They don't make you high, or euphoric like alcohol or drugs. They don't satisfy the urge like a good sugar binge or set the adrenaline racing like sexual adventure. They are essentially pointless. Not only that but they are dangerous. They are toxic. They harm the body, cause cancer and all kinds of illnesses, killing approximately 100,000 people a year in the UK.
So why the fuck do I continue cramming 20 a day in my gob, as I have done for the past 20 years? Why am I still smoking??!!!
It’s gone way beyond the cool stage you once thought of it as a youth. When you're young there was something fabulously glamorous about smoking. Having your pack nestled by the side of your beer, made you feel like you were a man. You were in a pub, drinking a pint with a pack of Rothmans. You were a man my son.
It was cool back then. All those images of Keith Richards, fag in mouth playing on
a guitar. James Dean. Pulp Fiction. It was an iconic look. Being
a kid brought up in the 70’s smoking was everywhere. Formula 1 cars were clad in cigarette branding, TV adverts promoted them. I mean who wouldn't want to smoke a Hamlet Cigar after watching those adverts?
People smoked in Cinemas, pubs, restaurants, aeroplanes, even on the tube. The whole country was snouting and nobody really gave a shit. It’s so funny to watch old episodes of the Sweeney from 1976 where Regan smokes in his hospital bed!! Insane.
Everyone seemed to smoke when I was a kid. My old man loved tucking into a B&H. My parents smoked in
the house all the time. We even had a table lighter on the coffee table that was the
size of a coffee table. Proper old school smoking.
Then I guess the health effects started to become common
knowledge and the net started closing. Prices went up, health warnings became
mandatory, bans were put in place and you became almost weird if you smoked. The
cool image of an old school era has long since gone.
It's incredible to think nobody smokes in restaurants and pubs now. You are almost vilified when you smoke. It has gone from a health issue to a moral one. So why am I still doing it?
Lets face it there’s nothing glamorous about standing outside a
restaurant in the pissing rain, shivering , trying desperately to light your
rain stained cigarette you’ve had to mortgage your house to pay for. Glamour long since passed.
There's nothing glamorous about raking up phlegm first thing in the morning waking up the entire street, trying desperately to clear some space for the first one of the day.
There's certainly nothing glamorous about a cancer ward or other related illnesses caused by smoking. There really is nothing worse than seeing people at a hospital wheeling a drip whilst tugging on a Lambert & Butler. Grim.
Me? I’ve been addicted for years. The trouble is, despite all of the evidence I love smoking. I look forward to waking up so I can have a tea
and fag. I love lighting one up after the gym. The great feeling of working out
hard is never better celebrated than by lighting one up on the steps of the gym
to disapproving looks. I love smoking after yoga. I look forward to red traffic lights so I can spark one up. I love a cigarette after sex, though I've stopped short during. That's just unsexy.
I'm so addicted I smoked in the athletes village during both
Ironman triathlons. Puffing away whilst clad in my lycra tri-suit. People looked at me like I'd just shit in a child's mouth. It was pure revulsion. The only reason I took up endurance sports is so I had a longer
break from smoking. The Ironman provided me with 13 hours cigarette free.
I loved smoking when I was drinking and I loved it even more in Sobriety. Replacing booze with diet coke. Consuming so much of these evil poisons without any thought of what it may do to me. It's weird. You save yourself from one early death by stopping drinking and drugging, only to attempt it in another way with diet coke and smoking. Ridiculous really.
It's become such an ingrained habit in my mind and addiction in my blood stream. I cannot go anywhere without a packet of cigarettes. It's like an I-phone. I cannot drive in my car without a pack. I cannot leave home without one. My brain has trained itself to relay on them.
I have used them to combat stress, as something to do, as an appetite suppressant, to avoid doing something and because It is a pure habit. The whole ritual of writing for instance is at my kitchen table, usually in my pants, with a few cups of tea and silk cuts. It's going to be tough to break the habitual ritual but it has to be done.
You do it so much over a period of time your brain comes to think it needs it. But what do I need? It's nonsense. You don't need a cigarette for anything. I don't need it to drive. I don't remember the instructor asking me to 'light up and let's see how you drive with a fag on out the window'. It doesn't happen so why have I fallen into this ridiculous mind set?
According to my girlfriend I’ve even started wheezing during sex. How unsexy is that!!! You know it's time to do something when you lean in close to nuzzle up to your girlfriend, plant a big wet kiss on her lips and tilt your head to one side to cough out a nodule. It has to end!!
How the fuck must it be for her to be on the receiving end of that?
Low lights, candles, bit of R&B music. Half a bottle of Blue Nun, you know nice and classy. Kissing, then move into a passionate clinch, whispering mucky talk to each other. Driving each other on.
"You sexy bitch. You feel good. God I love you"
"Oh yes baby, that's it right there. Don't stop. Deeper"
"MMM you like that don't you, you want more?"
"Oh god yes, that's it. keep doing, oh god. I think I'm......."
"You getting closer baby? You want me to (wheeze) go a little (wheeze) slower...(cough, cough)
"I'm going to cum so soon baby, please don't stop"
"cough, cough, wheeze, uuuggggggggmmmm, hack, hack, hack.............spit"
"I'm leaving"
It's just not sexy is it? Surely it's time to give up when that happens. Forget the cancer I think I've humiliated myself into giving up.
The trouble with stopping is you think you're missing something. You get worried how you will replace it. The reality of course is you're not missing anything. Smoking is not an action. Yes you are putting something into your body. But really it is no different to chewing gum.
I have never tried to stop or cut down. So it will be my first attempt. I'm not going to shout about it. nor am I going to make any bold predictions. It really has to come from inside. There is no justification for it really so I'm going to try the mindful approach to cutting down from 20 a day to 10, then go and do the whole NHS thing and see if I can get off the bastard little things by the end of the year and get healthy.
I did buy some E-Lite cigarettes but it just made me want to smoke more real ones. I ended up smoking an E-Lite, a chillum and 20 snouts. Not quite the desired effect was it? Perhaps I wasn't ready. But I know I must be very soon.
If not I'm pretty sure my girlfriend will ban sex and then I'll be truly buggered. Fuck me I'm running out of addictions and vices at this rate. Thank God for PG Tips
Cough Cough
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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