Sunday night and it's my last blog for 2 weeks. I'm having to take an enforced holiday from my blog. I know, I'm gutted too.
I'm off early doors tomorrow morning to work on the Commonwealth Games for 2 weeks. It's going to be full on and as part of the Team I am working for I have to agree to a no social media policy. So I cannot write or report on my experiences whilst working for the team. I signed up to it when I joined so unfortunately no writing for 2 weeks. I'll be suffering from withdrawals. How will I get my daily fix?
Not only that but I have to wear the team outfit. A selection of leisurewear and chinos for 2 whole weeks. No cowboy boots, no skinny jeans, no waistcoats, no fitted jackets, no flip flops or slightly camp looking shorts. It's all shell suits and chinos for me from now on. I did ask if they could tailor some super skinny chinos but my request fell upon deaf ears.
I haven't worn chinos since I was 13. I'm just not a chino type of man. I've nothing against them. It's a good look. Just not for me. Don't worry though readers I'm not going down the deck shoes and jumper over the shoulder look to compliment them. I'm a twat but not that much of a twat.
Not only that but I have to wear a tracksuit. I haven't worn one of those since I went through my 80's casual phase. Tracksuits are not for me either. Mind you I will be mistaken for an athlete. I best cut a secret silk cut pocket in the lining.
I'm about to be part of a team of 620 people. 400 athletes and 220 support staff. I'll be working on the commercial side. Looking after sponsors, trying to sell to new ones, creating contacts and generally mucking in and helping everything run smoothly.
I'll be surrounded by people, living in a bubble of multi-sport games time. Apparently it's like a silo world where the outside doesn't exist. I'll be at it from early morning to late at night, so not only would writing a blog be against what I signed up for I doubt I would have the time anyway.
I'll miss it though God dammit. I hope you will too. I get messages when I don't write for a day or two, so please forgive me but for once I'm bang into my job and want to make it work.
I'm looking forward to the experience in Glasgow. It will be hard, punishing and long hours but I'm up for it. I'm going with an open mind and a good heart. I think that's the best way,
So have a great couple of weeks. Behave yourself. Well, on second thoughts don't. Raise hell, give it a go, tell the truth, don't suffer in silence, celebrate your weaknesses and whatever you do, remember together we are stronger. I'll miss you loads.
See you in August (PS - I will be tweeting now and again so you can follow me on Twitter if you want - @goanick)
Love you very much
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Day 149 - Just another day in sobriety
Not a lot happened today. Woke up, went to a meeting, met a mate for coffee, chatted about their relationship, offered my customary advice, did a workout, oh and bumped into a Hollywood A lister and had a cup of tea for an hour. Just the usual day in Richmond really.
It was bizarre, my mate knew him from the firm (meetings), I didn't but it was still a rather odd occurrence to stand in Richmond talking movies, recovery, addiction and low self esteem with a bloke who was in one of my favourite movies of all time.
I'm not going to blow his anonymity or be one of those wankers who limply claims cool esteem because I know someone who knows xxxxx. That would make me even more desperate and knobbish than I usually am.
But it was fun and interesting. My mate is a terrific people person and makes people feel at ease. He's very sociable and treats all people the same. Whether you are a movie star or street cleaner he is class with people. I liked seeing him in action, as he greeted this guy like a long last brother, so starting a really easy hour long conversation.
Some of the things I learnt from the conversation were as follows;
1 - I really liked the guy - humble, open, honest, mad and slight neurotic. Funny how we connected isn't it?
2 - Didn't take himself too seriously - would I really be the same if I found fame. Respect
3 - I learnt the difference between an actor and movie star. There is a difference
4 - Apparently fame, money, power and prestige doesn't take away that awful low self esteem and 'hole in the soul'
5 - He didn't take acting too seriously as a profession
6 - I only felt less than on one occasion when he was talking about going in a fighter jet that week and I realised the main thing I had done this week was complete a 24 page power-point presentation
7 - My girlfriend went weak at the knees when I mentioned it , saying 'Oh my God I love him,' showing far more animation and excitement than she ever has with me. Not that I'm resentful, jealous or have insecurity. I take solace that at least I was taller than him.
I salute you Mr actor. And my mate for introducing me. I like to see people doing well and being good at their jobs. This dude certainly is that, plus to see my mate welcome people and talk to them like they're the most important person in the world was something that really impressed me. He has no idea of course, but it was brilliant to watch.
PS - If I read, see, hear or read any further reference to it being 'hotter than Ibiza', 'scorching' or 'too hot' I'll scream and not ice cream. It's the fucking summer and we're in the middle of global warming. I'm sorry for all the elderly and weak who suffer with their health in this weather and of course I'm concerned by the state of the planet but lets call it right, at the end of the day I've got a killer tan and as we all know on the Inside Job it's all about the outside, image and how you look right? Sorry earth but I look so much healthier
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
It was bizarre, my mate knew him from the firm (meetings), I didn't but it was still a rather odd occurrence to stand in Richmond talking movies, recovery, addiction and low self esteem with a bloke who was in one of my favourite movies of all time.
I'm not going to blow his anonymity or be one of those wankers who limply claims cool esteem because I know someone who knows xxxxx. That would make me even more desperate and knobbish than I usually am.
But it was fun and interesting. My mate is a terrific people person and makes people feel at ease. He's very sociable and treats all people the same. Whether you are a movie star or street cleaner he is class with people. I liked seeing him in action, as he greeted this guy like a long last brother, so starting a really easy hour long conversation.
Some of the things I learnt from the conversation were as follows;
1 - I really liked the guy - humble, open, honest, mad and slight neurotic. Funny how we connected isn't it?
2 - Didn't take himself too seriously - would I really be the same if I found fame. Respect
3 - I learnt the difference between an actor and movie star. There is a difference
4 - Apparently fame, money, power and prestige doesn't take away that awful low self esteem and 'hole in the soul'
5 - He didn't take acting too seriously as a profession
6 - I only felt less than on one occasion when he was talking about going in a fighter jet that week and I realised the main thing I had done this week was complete a 24 page power-point presentation
7 - My girlfriend went weak at the knees when I mentioned it , saying 'Oh my God I love him,' showing far more animation and excitement than she ever has with me. Not that I'm resentful, jealous or have insecurity. I take solace that at least I was taller than him.
I salute you Mr actor. And my mate for introducing me. I like to see people doing well and being good at their jobs. This dude certainly is that, plus to see my mate welcome people and talk to them like they're the most important person in the world was something that really impressed me. He has no idea of course, but it was brilliant to watch.
PS - If I read, see, hear or read any further reference to it being 'hotter than Ibiza', 'scorching' or 'too hot' I'll scream and not ice cream. It's the fucking summer and we're in the middle of global warming. I'm sorry for all the elderly and weak who suffer with their health in this weather and of course I'm concerned by the state of the planet but lets call it right, at the end of the day I've got a killer tan and as we all know on the Inside Job it's all about the outside, image and how you look right? Sorry earth but I look so much healthier
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Day 148 - What the f**k is going on with the world?
I can't write today with all this shit going on. What the fuck is happening with the world?
OK, I feel rough, grumpy, not well, back and neck hurt and not at the races this week. I'm a moody, grumpy sod but that pales into total insignificant after today's news.
Planes shot out of the Sky, 300 people dead, Israel launching ground attacks into Gaza, hundreds being killed and injured including Children. What the fuck is happening? Are we intent on eating each other up in this world?
I'm not even going to go into details. I'm not an expert nor claim to know much about World politics, history and social standing. But fuck me, can we not all chill world?
It's not really the people in my opinion it's the Governments, it's the military. It's the political power crazy lunatics. I'm convinced most people just want to get on with their lives. No matter where. Raise kids, work, live a life.
So what the fuck is happening? It's insane. It's been happening for years except now we have 24 hour rolling news channels that film it. We have social media that communicates it.
One word of warning though, don't believe the news channels or social media. It is all tainted with some view or another. Rarely is the real truth reported.
I'm sad today. I don't feel well and I'm grumpy,, but the world is in pain today. I feel that pain. I'm angry, I'm bemused. I'm sad.
What must God think, if indeed he exists. Is he looking down, shaking his head thinking, 'what the fuck are you lot up to down there, sort it out.'
I know I would be if I as God. But contrary to some people's opinion. I am not he.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
OK, I feel rough, grumpy, not well, back and neck hurt and not at the races this week. I'm a moody, grumpy sod but that pales into total insignificant after today's news.
Planes shot out of the Sky, 300 people dead, Israel launching ground attacks into Gaza, hundreds being killed and injured including Children. What the fuck is happening? Are we intent on eating each other up in this world?
I'm not even going to go into details. I'm not an expert nor claim to know much about World politics, history and social standing. But fuck me, can we not all chill world?
It's not really the people in my opinion it's the Governments, it's the military. It's the political power crazy lunatics. I'm convinced most people just want to get on with their lives. No matter where. Raise kids, work, live a life.
So what the fuck is happening? It's insane. It's been happening for years except now we have 24 hour rolling news channels that film it. We have social media that communicates it.
One word of warning though, don't believe the news channels or social media. It is all tainted with some view or another. Rarely is the real truth reported.
I'm sad today. I don't feel well and I'm grumpy,, but the world is in pain today. I feel that pain. I'm angry, I'm bemused. I'm sad.
What must God think, if indeed he exists. Is he looking down, shaking his head thinking, 'what the fuck are you lot up to down there, sort it out.'
I know I would be if I as God. But contrary to some people's opinion. I am not he.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Day 147 - This is to you readers - I love you
This is for all you readers.......
When do you feel at your best?
Is it when you're connected? When you identify, when you feel part of, secure, heard, understood, listened to? Part of modern life is that we sometimes feel so disconnected and alone. it's weird considering we're all on Facebook, Whats App, text, Instagram or messenger all day. We're always connected aren't we? Never alone?
Well yes and no. There is a huge power in being connected to a large amount of people. That's why meetings are so good. That's why being connected on Twitter or Whats App whilst watching large events is so fun.
Remember the Olympic Opening Ceremony? The London Riots? 7/7? All of these we watch and want to share our feelings. I did. On Facebook and Twitter. It enhanced the experience. It made me more engaged. When we are connected at the same time. It is powerful, fun, challenging and thrilling. There is a special power in being together. It shows me, together We Are Stronger.
And in my own little way I feel this way about my blog. You are reading it along with 50-100 other people. Some of you I know. Some of you are total strangers. Some of you are recovering addicts and share the same disease as me, some merely share my human experience. We are all different, yet all the same.
We all have this thing called life in common. We are all human beings. We all love, hate, cry, laugh, feel fear, worry, get frustrated, horny. Some of us worry about money, some of us don't. Some of us are happy, some not.
The thing I love is that you're reading this. We are all connecting. I know this because I get messages from you. You don't know that other people are sending me messages just like you. Without even knowing it you are connecting with others. Because you are feeling the same. You are not alone. We aren't alone.
I love that. I love you for reading this. I love you for being you. For reaching out. For messaging. For supporting me. For sharing this. For being part of our little community.
You may not know it but you've found something special in this blog. You are in it at the beginning. This will turn into something. You mark my words. It maybe part of a movement, a gang, a reason. I'm not sure quite what yet. I'm not sure how, or when, or what - but I am trying here to find the truth. To out my insides and encourage you too. To share, to be together. To tell the truth. To not be embarrassed about feeling weak, or fearful, or worried.
i am convinced what I am doing is something. Fuck knows what but you don't hear much of the truth these days. From paedos, to judges to lifestyle coaches selling a seminar. When do you really connect with someone trying to find the truth? I hope that's what I'm doing in my own little way.
So I love you. Please give yourself a pat on the back. I feel close to you, connected. Some days there are 50 of you, some days 150. I know I have my daily readers and my biggest advocates (Kate you are awesome because every day you share this blog to your community)
I am humbled by my messages this week. I had another today. I am so touched. I am so so touched.
Love you all
Together We Really Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
When do you feel at your best?
Is it when you're connected? When you identify, when you feel part of, secure, heard, understood, listened to? Part of modern life is that we sometimes feel so disconnected and alone. it's weird considering we're all on Facebook, Whats App, text, Instagram or messenger all day. We're always connected aren't we? Never alone?
Well yes and no. There is a huge power in being connected to a large amount of people. That's why meetings are so good. That's why being connected on Twitter or Whats App whilst watching large events is so fun.
Remember the Olympic Opening Ceremony? The London Riots? 7/7? All of these we watch and want to share our feelings. I did. On Facebook and Twitter. It enhanced the experience. It made me more engaged. When we are connected at the same time. It is powerful, fun, challenging and thrilling. There is a special power in being together. It shows me, together We Are Stronger.
And in my own little way I feel this way about my blog. You are reading it along with 50-100 other people. Some of you I know. Some of you are total strangers. Some of you are recovering addicts and share the same disease as me, some merely share my human experience. We are all different, yet all the same.
We all have this thing called life in common. We are all human beings. We all love, hate, cry, laugh, feel fear, worry, get frustrated, horny. Some of us worry about money, some of us don't. Some of us are happy, some not.
The thing I love is that you're reading this. We are all connecting. I know this because I get messages from you. You don't know that other people are sending me messages just like you. Without even knowing it you are connecting with others. Because you are feeling the same. You are not alone. We aren't alone.
I love that. I love you for reading this. I love you for being you. For reaching out. For messaging. For supporting me. For sharing this. For being part of our little community.
You may not know it but you've found something special in this blog. You are in it at the beginning. This will turn into something. You mark my words. It maybe part of a movement, a gang, a reason. I'm not sure quite what yet. I'm not sure how, or when, or what - but I am trying here to find the truth. To out my insides and encourage you too. To share, to be together. To tell the truth. To not be embarrassed about feeling weak, or fearful, or worried.
i am convinced what I am doing is something. Fuck knows what but you don't hear much of the truth these days. From paedos, to judges to lifestyle coaches selling a seminar. When do you really connect with someone trying to find the truth? I hope that's what I'm doing in my own little way.
So I love you. Please give yourself a pat on the back. I feel close to you, connected. Some days there are 50 of you, some days 150. I know I have my daily readers and my biggest advocates (Kate you are awesome because every day you share this blog to your community)
I am humbled by my messages this week. I had another today. I am so touched. I am so so touched.
Love you all
Together We Really Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Monday, July 14, 2014
Day 146 - The Power of Meetings and Shift of Energy Through Other Human beings
OK, I'm not going to lie. I haven't had a great day today. Not that anything went dramatically wrong or was awful. I just didn't feel at the races. I wasn't all there. One sandwich short of a picnic. A pint short of normal. You know when you have those days?
I woke up normally. Nothing really out of the usual. Did my regular morning routine, went to work as usual. It was sunny, I'd had a decent weekend, but something didn't feel right. I checked myself. I believe they call it 360 Degree self reflection. Had I done anything to make me feel this way? I didn't binge last night, didn't overeat on sugar, went to bed at 12.30, got 6 hours sleep, didn't argue, lie, cheat, fall out with anyone. I attended x2 meetings, took my mother out for lunch. On paper I should have been OK and firing.
Instead I felt lethargic, distracted, unsure of myself, a little insecure and flat. I wasn't present. I was unfocused. I couldn't concentrate, I found myself wanting to go out of the office every hour to smoke. I was staring blankly at my computer. Clicking 'inbox' time and again, when nothing new had arrived. What was wrong with me? Even the smallest task seemed a gargantuan effort.
When I feel like that I can usually find some kind of distraction to make me feel better. Except there was nothing. Nobody messaged me, nobody showed me attention, no-one at work praised me. I didn't 'act out', I wasn't thrill seeking. There was nothing. Just emails and spreadsheets. I was bored. I couldn't get myself motivated. It was one of those days. Usually I am totally engaged and fired up about my job. I have been 'on it' for 5 months, but today I wasn't. Even getting called 'Beckham' at lunchtime by x2 girls in short skirts and high heels barely registered. I know something's up when I'm not chasing skirt.
Instead I yawned, drank diet coke, endless cups of tea and furiously chewed gum. I smoked countless cigarettes but to be fair to myself, actually did some decent work. I didn't skive off like I would have in the past. I toughed it out. But my head wasn't right and I felt drained. Devoid of spark and sparkle.
Nobody would have noticed of course. Nobody would have seen. To all intents and purposes I was just another bloke at work. I didn't seem weird or withdrawn. I was at my desk doing what I do. Except of course in my head I wasn't there at all. I was somewhere else. It was a case of my outsides not matching my insides. If I'm honest I couldn't wait to get away fast enough. I wanted to get to a meeting.
I felt guilty for being the way I had. It means a lot to me to do a decent job. I have thrown as much energy, passion and enthusiasm into it over the past 5 months as I can, so I didn't want to slip back to old ways and undo the good work.
I hadn't of course, it was just my thinking. Everyone is allowed a slightly off day, it's about tomorrow and bouncing back that counts right? Plus it's only work of course and life is bigger than that.
I got to the regular meeting at 6.15. I have a love/hate relationship with it and find myself judging and criticising people in my head. I stormed out of it a month ago. Not that I'm childish or prone to bouts of judgmental pangs of anger.
However, the main share was ace, the sharing back really on the money. People seemed to be sharing my head, my thoughts, my experiences and I felt myself visibly relax, breath easier, forget my head, lighten up, feel more energetic and my whole mood/energy lift. It was incredible.
I had a share up myself, remarkably not subtly or directly having a pop at anyone. Concentrating more on how AA seems to alter my attitude and lift my mood. I genuinely believe that God works through other people. In the Big Book, it states that 'God will do for you what you cannot do myself' - well today I couldn't lift myself out of my physical and emotional fog. I go to a meeting, connect with other human beings with the same mind as me and BOOM, my mood lifts. That is god working through others for me. It makes sense to this little thicko.
I left the meeting lighter. Happier. Brighter. It made me think of the old AA phrase, "I'm here because I'm not all there." So true today. Cheers AA. Nice one.
Watch me immediately forget when I get up tomorrow morning. Seems to be the way of the disease as the head kicks back in. I'm OK with that. It's why I need and want to go to regular meetings. It is nurofen for my soul.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I woke up normally. Nothing really out of the usual. Did my regular morning routine, went to work as usual. It was sunny, I'd had a decent weekend, but something didn't feel right. I checked myself. I believe they call it 360 Degree self reflection. Had I done anything to make me feel this way? I didn't binge last night, didn't overeat on sugar, went to bed at 12.30, got 6 hours sleep, didn't argue, lie, cheat, fall out with anyone. I attended x2 meetings, took my mother out for lunch. On paper I should have been OK and firing.
Instead I felt lethargic, distracted, unsure of myself, a little insecure and flat. I wasn't present. I was unfocused. I couldn't concentrate, I found myself wanting to go out of the office every hour to smoke. I was staring blankly at my computer. Clicking 'inbox' time and again, when nothing new had arrived. What was wrong with me? Even the smallest task seemed a gargantuan effort.
When I feel like that I can usually find some kind of distraction to make me feel better. Except there was nothing. Nobody messaged me, nobody showed me attention, no-one at work praised me. I didn't 'act out', I wasn't thrill seeking. There was nothing. Just emails and spreadsheets. I was bored. I couldn't get myself motivated. It was one of those days. Usually I am totally engaged and fired up about my job. I have been 'on it' for 5 months, but today I wasn't. Even getting called 'Beckham' at lunchtime by x2 girls in short skirts and high heels barely registered. I know something's up when I'm not chasing skirt.
Instead I yawned, drank diet coke, endless cups of tea and furiously chewed gum. I smoked countless cigarettes but to be fair to myself, actually did some decent work. I didn't skive off like I would have in the past. I toughed it out. But my head wasn't right and I felt drained. Devoid of spark and sparkle.
Nobody would have noticed of course. Nobody would have seen. To all intents and purposes I was just another bloke at work. I didn't seem weird or withdrawn. I was at my desk doing what I do. Except of course in my head I wasn't there at all. I was somewhere else. It was a case of my outsides not matching my insides. If I'm honest I couldn't wait to get away fast enough. I wanted to get to a meeting.
I felt guilty for being the way I had. It means a lot to me to do a decent job. I have thrown as much energy, passion and enthusiasm into it over the past 5 months as I can, so I didn't want to slip back to old ways and undo the good work.
I hadn't of course, it was just my thinking. Everyone is allowed a slightly off day, it's about tomorrow and bouncing back that counts right? Plus it's only work of course and life is bigger than that.
I got to the regular meeting at 6.15. I have a love/hate relationship with it and find myself judging and criticising people in my head. I stormed out of it a month ago. Not that I'm childish or prone to bouts of judgmental pangs of anger.
However, the main share was ace, the sharing back really on the money. People seemed to be sharing my head, my thoughts, my experiences and I felt myself visibly relax, breath easier, forget my head, lighten up, feel more energetic and my whole mood/energy lift. It was incredible.
I had a share up myself, remarkably not subtly or directly having a pop at anyone. Concentrating more on how AA seems to alter my attitude and lift my mood. I genuinely believe that God works through other people. In the Big Book, it states that 'God will do for you what you cannot do myself' - well today I couldn't lift myself out of my physical and emotional fog. I go to a meeting, connect with other human beings with the same mind as me and BOOM, my mood lifts. That is god working through others for me. It makes sense to this little thicko.
I left the meeting lighter. Happier. Brighter. It made me think of the old AA phrase, "I'm here because I'm not all there." So true today. Cheers AA. Nice one.
Watch me immediately forget when I get up tomorrow morning. Seems to be the way of the disease as the head kicks back in. I'm OK with that. It's why I need and want to go to regular meetings. It is nurofen for my soul.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Day 145 - Shall we talk addiction again or are you bored?
Yesterday's blog got a pretty passioned response. Both from people in recovery and from 'normies'. It seemed to strike a chord. I worry though that I talk about addiction and recovery too much. Are you bored yet?
I wonder what the lady who wrote the passioned piece in the first place thought. I wish she could email me to let me know her thoughts. I Hope she didn't feel that I was making something deeply personal too public. Something I've had aimed against me many times throughout this blog.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'm going too far. Revealing too much. Being too public. Some things I cringe at, however in my preamble to my blog in 2012 I did say, "Some things will be too much, some things I may regret but it will always try and seek the truth."
I suppose if you feel you are being true to yourself it gives you authenticity and self belief. Writing the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself.
I generally struggle with self care, self love and self worth. Most, if not all of my addictions/bad habits remain. I haven't let them go yet this year. I find it easier smashing myself up in some form or other than being vulnerable and uncomfortable and changing the habitual self hatred fuelled activities.
So writing the truth in the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself. So why should I deny myself that? To thine own self be true. Even if the truth is hard, horrid, painful, repetitive or boring. Fuck it, at least it's real.
Having said that, there are appropriate places to take deep inner thoughts. It is a measure of emotional maturity and sobriety when you learn where to take things. I am of the disposition to share everything with everyone. it's my nature to spit everything out. However I don't think of the consequences. I don't ever think that some people judge, criticise, don't like or I get a reputation. I never think of that. I always forget it's a public blog too. It's just me in my kitchen with my thoughts and experience and I write like I share, but I forget you read it too!
It's about finding a balance. Something I have traditionally struggled with. Balance is usually something I see as it hurtles past me. I am only learning too. Don't forget I struggle. I dont have the answers. I'm just as bewildered and confused as you on some days.
I guess, as we get older and continue the journey of sobriety you find The right levels of maturity to be open and honest about yourself but also to choose the moments and places to really open up. I'm on the path to learn that. One day I will get there.
So because I'm tired and it's late on Saturday I haven't got an awful lot to say. These blogs can't all be gold medal standard every day can they?
Today I didn't drink, I didn't binge on sugary shit, I didn't cheat, I didn't have sex with anyone inappropriate, I didn't gamble, didn't steal, I didn't lie and I didn't piss anyone off, lose my temper or shout.
OK, I didn't do a meeting, haven't really engaged with other alcoholics, struggled to meditate, smoked more fags than I have fingers (and toes) demolished loads of diet coke and buttered a load of liver sausage slices from Asda and stuffed those down me ( my new addiction. Grim isn't it?), but that's OK. I'm not Ghandi, a Guru or a saint. I'm me. Nick. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink today and I'm still a raging lunatic inside. I'm alright with that. Are you?
As my old friend Malcolm used to say, "enjoy your insanity Nick, it's here to stay. Now cheer up you miserable bastard." Miss you Malc.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I wonder what the lady who wrote the passioned piece in the first place thought. I wish she could email me to let me know her thoughts. I Hope she didn't feel that I was making something deeply personal too public. Something I've had aimed against me many times throughout this blog.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'm going too far. Revealing too much. Being too public. Some things I cringe at, however in my preamble to my blog in 2012 I did say, "Some things will be too much, some things I may regret but it will always try and seek the truth."
I suppose if you feel you are being true to yourself it gives you authenticity and self belief. Writing the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself.
I generally struggle with self care, self love and self worth. Most, if not all of my addictions/bad habits remain. I haven't let them go yet this year. I find it easier smashing myself up in some form or other than being vulnerable and uncomfortable and changing the habitual self hatred fuelled activities.
So writing the truth in the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself. So why should I deny myself that? To thine own self be true. Even if the truth is hard, horrid, painful, repetitive or boring. Fuck it, at least it's real.
Having said that, there are appropriate places to take deep inner thoughts. It is a measure of emotional maturity and sobriety when you learn where to take things. I am of the disposition to share everything with everyone. it's my nature to spit everything out. However I don't think of the consequences. I don't ever think that some people judge, criticise, don't like or I get a reputation. I never think of that. I always forget it's a public blog too. It's just me in my kitchen with my thoughts and experience and I write like I share, but I forget you read it too!
It's about finding a balance. Something I have traditionally struggled with. Balance is usually something I see as it hurtles past me. I am only learning too. Don't forget I struggle. I dont have the answers. I'm just as bewildered and confused as you on some days.
I guess, as we get older and continue the journey of sobriety you find The right levels of maturity to be open and honest about yourself but also to choose the moments and places to really open up. I'm on the path to learn that. One day I will get there.
So because I'm tired and it's late on Saturday I haven't got an awful lot to say. These blogs can't all be gold medal standard every day can they?
Today I didn't drink, I didn't binge on sugary shit, I didn't cheat, I didn't have sex with anyone inappropriate, I didn't gamble, didn't steal, I didn't lie and I didn't piss anyone off, lose my temper or shout.
OK, I didn't do a meeting, haven't really engaged with other alcoholics, struggled to meditate, smoked more fags than I have fingers (and toes) demolished loads of diet coke and buttered a load of liver sausage slices from Asda and stuffed those down me ( my new addiction. Grim isn't it?), but that's OK. I'm not Ghandi, a Guru or a saint. I'm me. Nick. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink today and I'm still a raging lunatic inside. I'm alright with that. Are you?
As my old friend Malcolm used to say, "enjoy your insanity Nick, it's here to stay. Now cheer up you miserable bastard." Miss you Malc.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Friday, July 11, 2014
Day 144 - The Power of The Inside Job - Humbled
Hi readers. Apologies for being away. I've had a colossal week. Ultra busy and totally surreal.
I really wanted to write about my week because it has been so eclectic, including a visit to Buckingham Palace. However I will do that tomorrow. Instead I had to write today about an incredibly powerful post/comment I received on this blog today. It took my breath away. I was stunned.
I posted it on my Facebook page earlier, so forgive me if you have already read it. And if you're the person who wrote it, forgive me for sharing it.
It is not to embarrass you. It is not to make you uncomfortable. It is not to highlight your plight or to make me look a hero. It is to celebrate you, the writer. It is to celebrate your courage. It is to celebrate your humility. It is to celebrate your humanity for trying to uncover the truth and make sense out of it. It is to celebrate you. You are the one who is an inspiration for writing it;
I really wanted to write about my week because it has been so eclectic, including a visit to Buckingham Palace. However I will do that tomorrow. Instead I had to write today about an incredibly powerful post/comment I received on this blog today. It took my breath away. I was stunned.
I posted it on my Facebook page earlier, so forgive me if you have already read it. And if you're the person who wrote it, forgive me for sharing it.
It is not to embarrass you. It is not to make you uncomfortable. It is not to highlight your plight or to make me look a hero. It is to celebrate you, the writer. It is to celebrate your courage. It is to celebrate your humility. It is to celebrate your humanity for trying to uncover the truth and make sense out of it. It is to celebrate you. You are the one who is an inspiration for writing it;
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Day 143 - Alcohol is merely a symptom
What is a symptom?
Definition - A symptom is a departure from normal function or feeling which is noticed by a patient, indicating the presence of disease or abnormality.
So how the hell is alcohol merely a symptom of alcoholism? And what does that mean?
Well, let me explain and give it context of today.
If a symptom is a departure from normal function or an indication of disease, this makes it tricky with alcoholism or addiction because it is a disease that can only be self diagnosed.
Most people drink, some take recreational drugs, most people have sex or go shopping, everyone eats food. So what of the people who abuse all of these seemingly every day functions. How can that be a disease?
Well, what happens before we take a drink? before most of us start drinking at 10,12,15 or 20. Were we maladjusted to life before we took a drink. I know I was.
I had no idea of course, I just thought it was me and my odd head. But looking back I was riddled with fear, resentment, ego, doubt, insecurity as a kid. Most people are to some lesser or greater degree, but addicts tend to have this more than most.
We were walking candidates to abuse a substance. Most people start off socially. Everyone experiments as a kid or young adult. Some more than most. People turn into heavy drinkers or drug users but they're not addicts/alcoholics.
It's what lies beneath the substance where alcoholism/addition lives. It's in the mind. It's a mental disease that is manifested in physical and emotional .The substance merely masks and accelerates it.
As I've heard many times alcoholism is in people not bottles. If it was just about the booze, why would I still need to go to meetings? Why would I need a programme of living to take me away from my alcoholic mind?
Is it because I need a replacement? Possibly. But it's mostly because when you put down the drink or the drug you only begin to realise the power of the disease within you that makes you need to drink.
The problem with alcoholics then is once you take the first drink it sets off a phenomenon of craving that means you simply cant stop at one. 1 is too many and 1000 is not enough, so the saying goes.
This can be true of food, gambling, drugs, love, sex, shopping, cigarettes etc. If you have an addictive personality it is simply not possible to stop at one. It's a compulsion. Once the bloodstream has been breached. it needs more. Once the endorphins have been released in sex, the chase, a gamble, sugary foods, it just means we crave more and more and more. There is no off. And that is the difference between a casual user and an addict.
So total abstinence is really the only solution. But how do you do that. Just stop? Well some people have but they tend to go insane. Why? Because the alcohol or substance is merely the symptom. The tip of the iceberg. get rid of that and you are still left with the raging lunatic disease running riot in your head that makes you crave and want to go back to the very thing that is causing problems.
That's why it is merely the symptom. That's why work needs to be done to challenge and change the addict personality. So that it doesn't rule the mind and body and cause untold destruction.
People ask why do I need to go to meetings still. I like to say, if you're a diabetic you need to take insulin every day. Otherwise you get sick. It's the same with a 12 step programme for me. If I don't do it my alcoholism comes back, my behaviour, head, thinking ,perception goes all wonky, where the only real conclusion i'll eventually come to is to drink.
Untreated alcoholism in someone not drinking is as dangerous as drinking. Fear, worry, ego, grandiosity can all drive us at some point or other, but if you don't treat this there will come a time when you will eventually say, "Fuck this" and have a drink. Setting off the phenomenon of craving.
I've seen it many times. usually with people that didn't want to look under the bonnet and get down to the nitty gritty parts of alcoholism. To do the work, the steps and crack on. Instead we tend to stay in our head 'alcoholism' and life becomes painful for us and others.
I saw it today. A sponsee who's 2 years sober, rang me 4 times in the morning in bits. I was in a meeting, then having coffee with a mate, but my sponsee was all over the place, Angry, frustrated, fearful ,upset, raging.
I told him to come and meet me in the Fulham Road. 30 minutes later he rang on the verge of tears. He was marching up the Kings Road and had overshot the junction by 3 miles and was now miles away. He couldn't force himself to ask someone for directions. His pride wouldn't let him. male Pride + Alcoholic Pride + Monster cock ego pride. He would rather walk lost in tears trying not to punch people than ask for help. he was in trouble.
That's alcoholism right there and he's 2 years sober - so it goes to show that alcohol is merely the symptom.
I'm happy to report I guided him to Fulham, took him to a meeting, forced him to share his truth, talked, had a cup of tea and ended up laughing at his stupid pride. He felt better and was waved off at 1pm a new man.
What would have happened if it wasn't for AA? What would have he done? I tell you what, he would have got pissed. Angrily, ugly horrible pissed and ended up in a fight and a police cell. How do I know that? Because that's what he used to do before.
So that proved to me that alcohol is merely a symptom because his head and mind worked exactly the same as 2 years previous. The disease was trying to get him drunk. And if it cant have him drunk it wanted him pissed off, angry, isolated and in nervous disarray. Simple.
So a big shout out for AA and the fellowship today. It certainly helped one person alter their attitude and saved the police and pretty much everyone in Clapham South from a whole heap of misery.
Cheers fellowship I owe you
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Definition - A symptom is a departure from normal function or feeling which is noticed by a patient, indicating the presence of disease or abnormality.
So how the hell is alcohol merely a symptom of alcoholism? And what does that mean?
Well, let me explain and give it context of today.
If a symptom is a departure from normal function or an indication of disease, this makes it tricky with alcoholism or addiction because it is a disease that can only be self diagnosed.
Most people drink, some take recreational drugs, most people have sex or go shopping, everyone eats food. So what of the people who abuse all of these seemingly every day functions. How can that be a disease?
Well, what happens before we take a drink? before most of us start drinking at 10,12,15 or 20. Were we maladjusted to life before we took a drink. I know I was.
I had no idea of course, I just thought it was me and my odd head. But looking back I was riddled with fear, resentment, ego, doubt, insecurity as a kid. Most people are to some lesser or greater degree, but addicts tend to have this more than most.
We were walking candidates to abuse a substance. Most people start off socially. Everyone experiments as a kid or young adult. Some more than most. People turn into heavy drinkers or drug users but they're not addicts/alcoholics.
It's what lies beneath the substance where alcoholism/addition lives. It's in the mind. It's a mental disease that is manifested in physical and emotional .The substance merely masks and accelerates it.
As I've heard many times alcoholism is in people not bottles. If it was just about the booze, why would I still need to go to meetings? Why would I need a programme of living to take me away from my alcoholic mind?
Is it because I need a replacement? Possibly. But it's mostly because when you put down the drink or the drug you only begin to realise the power of the disease within you that makes you need to drink.
The problem with alcoholics then is once you take the first drink it sets off a phenomenon of craving that means you simply cant stop at one. 1 is too many and 1000 is not enough, so the saying goes.
This can be true of food, gambling, drugs, love, sex, shopping, cigarettes etc. If you have an addictive personality it is simply not possible to stop at one. It's a compulsion. Once the bloodstream has been breached. it needs more. Once the endorphins have been released in sex, the chase, a gamble, sugary foods, it just means we crave more and more and more. There is no off. And that is the difference between a casual user and an addict.
So total abstinence is really the only solution. But how do you do that. Just stop? Well some people have but they tend to go insane. Why? Because the alcohol or substance is merely the symptom. The tip of the iceberg. get rid of that and you are still left with the raging lunatic disease running riot in your head that makes you crave and want to go back to the very thing that is causing problems.
That's why it is merely the symptom. That's why work needs to be done to challenge and change the addict personality. So that it doesn't rule the mind and body and cause untold destruction.
People ask why do I need to go to meetings still. I like to say, if you're a diabetic you need to take insulin every day. Otherwise you get sick. It's the same with a 12 step programme for me. If I don't do it my alcoholism comes back, my behaviour, head, thinking ,perception goes all wonky, where the only real conclusion i'll eventually come to is to drink.
Untreated alcoholism in someone not drinking is as dangerous as drinking. Fear, worry, ego, grandiosity can all drive us at some point or other, but if you don't treat this there will come a time when you will eventually say, "Fuck this" and have a drink. Setting off the phenomenon of craving.
I've seen it many times. usually with people that didn't want to look under the bonnet and get down to the nitty gritty parts of alcoholism. To do the work, the steps and crack on. Instead we tend to stay in our head 'alcoholism' and life becomes painful for us and others.
I saw it today. A sponsee who's 2 years sober, rang me 4 times in the morning in bits. I was in a meeting, then having coffee with a mate, but my sponsee was all over the place, Angry, frustrated, fearful ,upset, raging.
I told him to come and meet me in the Fulham Road. 30 minutes later he rang on the verge of tears. He was marching up the Kings Road and had overshot the junction by 3 miles and was now miles away. He couldn't force himself to ask someone for directions. His pride wouldn't let him. male Pride + Alcoholic Pride + Monster cock ego pride. He would rather walk lost in tears trying not to punch people than ask for help. he was in trouble.
That's alcoholism right there and he's 2 years sober - so it goes to show that alcohol is merely the symptom.
I'm happy to report I guided him to Fulham, took him to a meeting, forced him to share his truth, talked, had a cup of tea and ended up laughing at his stupid pride. He felt better and was waved off at 1pm a new man.
What would have happened if it wasn't for AA? What would have he done? I tell you what, he would have got pissed. Angrily, ugly horrible pissed and ended up in a fight and a police cell. How do I know that? Because that's what he used to do before.
So that proved to me that alcohol is merely a symptom because his head and mind worked exactly the same as 2 years previous. The disease was trying to get him drunk. And if it cant have him drunk it wanted him pissed off, angry, isolated and in nervous disarray. Simple.
So a big shout out for AA and the fellowship today. It certainly helped one person alter their attitude and saved the police and pretty much everyone in Clapham South from a whole heap of misery.
Cheers fellowship I owe you
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Day 142 - Is it Lack of gratitude or Low self esteem
Apologies about lack of blogging yesterday. Do forgive me. I was back late after a long day at work, followed with a meeting and this little soldier had a bad chest and cold. Of course after 999 had been called I miraculously survived the night and lived to fight another day.
Not a lot to report today i'm afraid. A couple of things stood out though;
1 - Us British guys are completely unprepared for the weather. We are useless in the summer. Our idea of a summer wardrobe is to take our jacket off. That's about the only concession to 100 degree furnace like heat.
I remained committed to my 'work look'. White buttoned upped shirt, navy waistcoat, navy suit jacket (slim fitted of course), skinny navy jeans, brown shoes, massively lackered quiff.
You can almost dress me, heavily lacker my quiff on a Monday morning and i'm set fair for the week. I have fooled 2 girls at work into believing I actually do that. Amazing really. I do get called Beckham around 1-2 times a day in London. But I love it really.
I do rotate the look on a daily basis, usually with a different shirt but always buttoned up and no tie. Today I went for the sky blue shirt with white collar. Big mistake in this furnace like heat.
I sweated on the walk to the train, sweated on the train, sweated on the tube, sweated on the walk from the tube and sweated in the office. My shirt became an mixture of sweat, massive rings of dark blue under the armpits and I looked a mess. Thank god the heavily lackered quiff held in place. I was melting, sweat poring down my brow but my hair remained stoically still. Half a can of Elnett a day habit manages to keep it solid. Like a statue. My quiff is important to me. Gives me an extra 3 inches and Lord knows we could all do with that boys cant we?
I was forced to take my jacket off to give light relief. I love being smart and love the whole 3 piece suit look but I looked like someone doing the Tour De France in sauna and even I, the original ice man had to relent.
People kept on moaning, "It's too hot", "Isn't it hot?" Stop fucking moaning for Christ Sake. Yes it is roasting but we only get around 10 of these days a year so shut the fuck up. Honestly what is wrong with people?!
" - Second thing I learned more in keeping with me, my journey and the Inside Job was noticing part of the flaws of my alcoholism today and how deep it runs in my character and behaviour.
Without going into too much detail as it was a professional situation and I like my job and don't want to write publicly about it. But this highlights my character, alcoholic personality and what i'm up against to try and change. Many people will identify.
It is essentially about a lack of self worth and high ego.
I had some decent news today. I got something I requested in return for good work. A fair transaction.
Except because it was agreed immediately i considered 'I've asked for too little". Now i'm never sure if i'm permanently ungrateful, nothing is ever enough or i'm operating in alcoholism.
But on refection i think my lack of esteem and fear made me ask for too little and under value myself. It made me feel happy of course that i got something, but also a little regretful i perhaps under valued myself due to fear and self worth.
it is a classic under earners technique you learn in Business Debtors Anonymous. We think we're amazing but when it comes to asking for something for ourselves we become all apologetic riddled in fear and lacking in self worth.
i know i have in the past. Then when you get the square root of fuck all you've been asking for, you become resentful and angry after, believing yourself to be better than you are being recognised.
It's a vicious circle but one that is self created and I saw that today. It wasn't so severe, nor did i become resentful but it was interesting to observe some of the character traits that were being displayed.
I didn't have all the answers. However I didn't get negative, or pissed off. I didn't sell myself too short but I was pleased to see the lessons. If i value myself and my work it is right to ask for market value and not apologise if you do. You may not get it of course but it seems successful people do because they believe they are worth it. And if they believe they're worth it well then you probably will too. Simple really.
Anyway it's progress not perfection right? At least that's what I think and many of YOU agree.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Not a lot to report today i'm afraid. A couple of things stood out though;
1 - Us British guys are completely unprepared for the weather. We are useless in the summer. Our idea of a summer wardrobe is to take our jacket off. That's about the only concession to 100 degree furnace like heat.
I remained committed to my 'work look'. White buttoned upped shirt, navy waistcoat, navy suit jacket (slim fitted of course), skinny navy jeans, brown shoes, massively lackered quiff.
You can almost dress me, heavily lacker my quiff on a Monday morning and i'm set fair for the week. I have fooled 2 girls at work into believing I actually do that. Amazing really. I do get called Beckham around 1-2 times a day in London. But I love it really.
I do rotate the look on a daily basis, usually with a different shirt but always buttoned up and no tie. Today I went for the sky blue shirt with white collar. Big mistake in this furnace like heat.
I sweated on the walk to the train, sweated on the train, sweated on the tube, sweated on the walk from the tube and sweated in the office. My shirt became an mixture of sweat, massive rings of dark blue under the armpits and I looked a mess. Thank god the heavily lackered quiff held in place. I was melting, sweat poring down my brow but my hair remained stoically still. Half a can of Elnett a day habit manages to keep it solid. Like a statue. My quiff is important to me. Gives me an extra 3 inches and Lord knows we could all do with that boys cant we?
I was forced to take my jacket off to give light relief. I love being smart and love the whole 3 piece suit look but I looked like someone doing the Tour De France in sauna and even I, the original ice man had to relent.
People kept on moaning, "It's too hot", "Isn't it hot?" Stop fucking moaning for Christ Sake. Yes it is roasting but we only get around 10 of these days a year so shut the fuck up. Honestly what is wrong with people?!
" - Second thing I learned more in keeping with me, my journey and the Inside Job was noticing part of the flaws of my alcoholism today and how deep it runs in my character and behaviour.
Without going into too much detail as it was a professional situation and I like my job and don't want to write publicly about it. But this highlights my character, alcoholic personality and what i'm up against to try and change. Many people will identify.
It is essentially about a lack of self worth and high ego.
I had some decent news today. I got something I requested in return for good work. A fair transaction.
Except because it was agreed immediately i considered 'I've asked for too little". Now i'm never sure if i'm permanently ungrateful, nothing is ever enough or i'm operating in alcoholism.
But on refection i think my lack of esteem and fear made me ask for too little and under value myself. It made me feel happy of course that i got something, but also a little regretful i perhaps under valued myself due to fear and self worth.
it is a classic under earners technique you learn in Business Debtors Anonymous. We think we're amazing but when it comes to asking for something for ourselves we become all apologetic riddled in fear and lacking in self worth.
i know i have in the past. Then when you get the square root of fuck all you've been asking for, you become resentful and angry after, believing yourself to be better than you are being recognised.
It's a vicious circle but one that is self created and I saw that today. It wasn't so severe, nor did i become resentful but it was interesting to observe some of the character traits that were being displayed.
I didn't have all the answers. However I didn't get negative, or pissed off. I didn't sell myself too short but I was pleased to see the lessons. If i value myself and my work it is right to ask for market value and not apologise if you do. You may not get it of course but it seems successful people do because they believe they are worth it. And if they believe they're worth it well then you probably will too. Simple really.
Anyway it's progress not perfection right? At least that's what I think and many of YOU agree.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Day 141 - PC World are not c**s! But Rolf Harris is..
A short blog today due to a massive bout of sloth. I can't be arsed if I'm honest.
I had just written an overlong one about why PC World are not c**s. It described my day working from home, how I am more committed than before, how little I watch Escape to The Country and flounce around doing Bikram. Instead I'm grafting these days and better for it. But I deleted it.
I had written about how PC World bent over backwards to sort out my Laptop today after making an error last week. They are no longer c**s. I love PC World. They were terrified of me and couldn't do enough to help. I swear the assistant manager was close to offering me a hand-job. A remarkable reversal from last week. But I deleted it.
Instead I can't believe Rolf Harris is a nonce. He was convicted of 12 counts of indecent assault on women and girls from the age of 8 upwards between 1968-1985. Many more are coming forward.
What the fuck is going on? What us happening to all the 70's TV super nonces. It's like your entire childhood and value system are fucked. Everything you thought is real, is not real. It is the opposite. A Family, kids entertainer is actually a sexual predator. Weird.
I can't get too irate about it though. Why? Because I'm jaded. I'm jaded by all the news. It doesn't directly harm me or affect me so how can I get too uptight? It's yet another tale after Saville, Hall and all the others on Operation Yewtree. A conveyor belt of lying cheating faces that built a career on dishonest fame separate to their true personalities. The real crime is that we all and the media bought it for so long.
It reinforces the whole bullshit culture of celebrity and fame. TV personalities/comedians/entertainers/people in the public eye. They become famous, getting an 'image' or 'brand' only to believe their own self importance and behave as they want no matter how bad/good.
What pisses me off is the horrified reaction from the media, even rent-a-social-commentator whilst pushing his own Russell Brand came out (not in a Gay way) in The Independent and wrote about it. It's all bullshit. It's the whole ego fame game and anyone who is in it is playing it. It's their job and how they get paid. Even Brand. He's selling something. Papers, news channels, TV shows. It's all part of the charade. Whenever money is involved it's bullshit and it's our job to see through it.
Why else did Saville remain at large for so long, despite countless warnings from public, people, organisations etc. Jerry Sadowitz did a show about him being a Paedophile in 1987 for Christ sakes. Because of money and power. He paid Police funds, hospitals, charities in a way to buy himself power and freedom. Simple.
The truth becomes irrelevant in modern culture. The force of personality more so. It becomes the key. Our failure is to believe it. Go and read Viz from 1990 and read Roger Mellie, the man from the tellie. That pretty much sums up Operation Yewtree. It's not rocket science.
Why on earth are people that shocked. Surely we all know that people have private personalities and public ones right? And rarely to they match up. It's just I guess if you access to more power, money, fame, media you have more opportunity to indulge in whatever turns you on, no matter how twisted.
I'm annoyed with them of course, but more with the way that celebrity, TV and personality has evolved over the years. They take responsibility but the charade we have become has made them and now we will see the moral outrage from the press, the very people who are probably morally bankrupt anyway. Insane. A double clusterfuck.
It's all insane and I'm wondering what the fuck is going on. Where are we going? What happened to our little wold. It troubles me.
On a personal note I cant say I have moved towards an Inside Job today. Self Improvement has been stalled. Instead I've focused more on eating Liver sausage, Tuna and Mary Berry's Caesar dressing. My new addictions. I've done a bit of work, fallen in love with PC world, watched some World Cup and written a blog I had no idea I was going to write when I began.
Funny how things turn out when you start talking/writing isn't it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I had just written an overlong one about why PC World are not c**s. It described my day working from home, how I am more committed than before, how little I watch Escape to The Country and flounce around doing Bikram. Instead I'm grafting these days and better for it. But I deleted it.
I had written about how PC World bent over backwards to sort out my Laptop today after making an error last week. They are no longer c**s. I love PC World. They were terrified of me and couldn't do enough to help. I swear the assistant manager was close to offering me a hand-job. A remarkable reversal from last week. But I deleted it.
Instead I can't believe Rolf Harris is a nonce. He was convicted of 12 counts of indecent assault on women and girls from the age of 8 upwards between 1968-1985. Many more are coming forward.
What the fuck is going on? What us happening to all the 70's TV super nonces. It's like your entire childhood and value system are fucked. Everything you thought is real, is not real. It is the opposite. A Family, kids entertainer is actually a sexual predator. Weird.
I can't get too irate about it though. Why? Because I'm jaded. I'm jaded by all the news. It doesn't directly harm me or affect me so how can I get too uptight? It's yet another tale after Saville, Hall and all the others on Operation Yewtree. A conveyor belt of lying cheating faces that built a career on dishonest fame separate to their true personalities. The real crime is that we all and the media bought it for so long.
It reinforces the whole bullshit culture of celebrity and fame. TV personalities/comedians/entertainers/people in the public eye. They become famous, getting an 'image' or 'brand' only to believe their own self importance and behave as they want no matter how bad/good.
What pisses me off is the horrified reaction from the media, even rent-a-social-commentator whilst pushing his own Russell Brand came out (not in a Gay way) in The Independent and wrote about it. It's all bullshit. It's the whole ego fame game and anyone who is in it is playing it. It's their job and how they get paid. Even Brand. He's selling something. Papers, news channels, TV shows. It's all part of the charade. Whenever money is involved it's bullshit and it's our job to see through it.
Why else did Saville remain at large for so long, despite countless warnings from public, people, organisations etc. Jerry Sadowitz did a show about him being a Paedophile in 1987 for Christ sakes. Because of money and power. He paid Police funds, hospitals, charities in a way to buy himself power and freedom. Simple.
The truth becomes irrelevant in modern culture. The force of personality more so. It becomes the key. Our failure is to believe it. Go and read Viz from 1990 and read Roger Mellie, the man from the tellie. That pretty much sums up Operation Yewtree. It's not rocket science.
Why on earth are people that shocked. Surely we all know that people have private personalities and public ones right? And rarely to they match up. It's just I guess if you access to more power, money, fame, media you have more opportunity to indulge in whatever turns you on, no matter how twisted.
I'm annoyed with them of course, but more with the way that celebrity, TV and personality has evolved over the years. They take responsibility but the charade we have become has made them and now we will see the moral outrage from the press, the very people who are probably morally bankrupt anyway. Insane. A double clusterfuck.
It's all insane and I'm wondering what the fuck is going on. Where are we going? What happened to our little wold. It troubles me.
On a personal note I cant say I have moved towards an Inside Job today. Self Improvement has been stalled. Instead I've focused more on eating Liver sausage, Tuna and Mary Berry's Caesar dressing. My new addictions. I've done a bit of work, fallen in love with PC world, watched some World Cup and written a blog I had no idea I was going to write when I began.
Funny how things turn out when you start talking/writing isn't it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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I wanted to write this to you privately but couldn't find an email. Ideally i wouldn't share this with others but i think it's important you know.
My husband died last April, in a very similar way to Peaches. It sounds crazy but in all the time i had known him i only found out about his alcohol and drug addictions just over a month before his death.
I had no idea! mind you that opens up a whole gamut of emotions...and isn't why I'm here!
Our twins were only a year old when he died. I'm not playing the martyr here, bidding for your sympathy, it's just i often wonder how, when the time comes, i'll tell them about his death. Obviously, i wouldn't lie to them.
I want you to know how your blog has helped me to understand the vortex of addiction a little further and because of that quite a few of your entries have made it into my girls memory boxes - most recently this one.
I know they will help them too.
You're an inspiration.
Thank you x"
That's why I'm a massive supporter of AA and other 12 step programmes. That's why I love Alanon. It has helped my Mother come to terms of a life spent with alcoholics and set her free. That's why I love speaking the truth in this blog. That's why I love recovery.
I'm not cured. Lord knows I find many ways to act out in peculiar and addictive ways. But I'm on board with sobriety. I'm on board with the concept of addiction as a disease. And I will never stop talking about it. I will NEVER stop until it's the norm. I will NEVER stop until I die making it OK to have it, be affected by it, grow up with it, suffer loss from it. It is OK.