Hello readers, how are you doing? It's been a while. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. Thank God we're together again.
Your little author has been somewhat lost. That old fearful, worried, self doubting, self deprecating head took over for a bit and wouldn't let go. Apparently it's something called Ego.
Now I've always associated ego with being grand, full of it, almost arrogant. However I recently discovered that's not the case. Firstly it helps to know the definition of Ego. Do you know? Do you think you know? Me too, I thought I did. It's remarkable how often I use words or terminology which is incorrect.
Ego" is a Latin and Greek (ἑγώ) word meaning "I", often used in English to mean the "self", "identity" or other related concepts.
So Ego is actually Me, myself and I. Of course this can apply to people being too full of themselves which can come across as arrogance. But what about when you're in fear? When you're doubting yourself? When your head will not switch off and you are consumed by worry, remorse, self pity & negativity? When your financial worries overtake you. When you feel a failure. When you constantly compare yourself to others and come off second best.
Well as I've recently discovered this too is Ego. Exactly the same family as arrogance just the other side of the coin. It's essentially being consumed by self. So much so that almost everything else is clouded. Once this process is in place I find it like a juggernaut to stop. I am almost controlled by these emotions, driving me on. The Ego has taken over at this point. All perspective lost.
I'm still lucky enough to function of course. Wake up, go to work, speak to people, live life but it feels like there's a big sheet of glass between you and the world. This is not to be confused with depression. Some do. Depression is an illness and my heart goes out to be people who suffer from it. The thought patterns, brainwaves and body chemistry means people do not have a choice. That's the difference between depression and the Negative ego.
Patterns of thinking and behaviour have been with me since a child. I'm used to a certain way of thinking. Particularly about myself. Lump alcoholism into the mix, which is a form of mental illness and you have a very powerful mix. Doctors, physicians, counsellors, therapists sometimes don't even spot the difference.
How often are people thrown anti depressants after a tough time mentally. We are one of the biggest abusers in the world. 'Pop a pill and everything will be OK'. Well for some of course medication is necessary and professional advice should be sought. However how many people suffer in silence or use alcohol or drugs or other behavioural patterns to medicate their thinking? I know did and do.
So why am I talking about this now? I've just come through a foggy time myself, It's been a real low time. Money is tight. The company I have been trying to get going is stalling and I'm worried about future income & finding work. I've been wondering what my calling is? What is my purpose? What can I do that I love and be proud of? I've become overwhelmed, fearful, feelings of failure and regretting the past. Wondering how I pissed away all my money, why I didn't climb the property ladder, why I have run away from responsibility, why I am, where I am, who the fuck am I?
See, totally in self isn't it? I dominated me and I didn't care much for what I saw. So what did I do? I avoided of course. I buried myself in old behaviours. I smoked more cigarettes, paced around the (rented) house more, ( see I had to put rented in brackets to show how much of a failure I think I am. That deep rooted self hatred rearing again almost as an impulse) stayed up later, worried more. The more I worried the worse it got. The more I tried to figure out what to do the less the answers came. The more I demanded from God the further away from peace I got. I was a bit fucked if I'm honest, yet nobody would have known. I've got the armour and the mask see.
Some people hate people like that. Instead they have an in built, up and at them attitude. Fight or flight. They get on with it and man do I find that admirable, like they're from another planet. Good on you I think, now how the fuck do I do it?
The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes I smash myself so hard. Smoking, diet coke, tea, caffeine, late nights, marathons, stress, worry that my body breaks down. It's almost like I'm so deeply entrenched in these negative Egoic behavioural patterns that the only way my soul can smash the ego is by smashing my body. Then of course I smash myself mentally. Beat myself up. Give myself too hard a time. This of course is another form of negative ego. Ugly isn't it to hear and read?
Then finally I wake up. When the body starts to break down or you mentally disintegrate I take notice and that process of change becomes a reality. That's where the real fun begins. How the fuck do you change?
Are you following me or have I lost you? Here's an Example for you. My teeth are rotting. They have holes in them. Why? Well basically because for the past 12 years since giving up booze I've been heavily addicted to diet coke (or Heroin as my mate calls it). 4-8 500ML bottles a day from morning to night. Coupled with a load of cigarettes that kept my ego nicely boiling for a good while.
I knew it was bad for me, it made me feel rough, the dentist told me 3 times to stop drinking it, one of my teeth fell out and I told myself most days. "You must stop this". I kept going. On and on until I prayed for the willingness to give up. I couldn't. I knew deep down I didn't want to. It was a habit and addiction.
Then one day 4 weeks ago I guzzled down a delicious chemically modified bottle of dark liquid cancerous diet heroin and thought. 'fuck it no more'. And I stopped there and then. A few cravings but none has passed my lips since then. I viewed it as something I couldn't do without. My prop along with cigarettes and tea. I can do without it. Another example of my Ego telling me lies. The next on the list is the cancer sticks and caffeine.
If I listened to the lies for 12 years on that what about all the other areas of my life? It has been ruling me for 41 years. Fuck me what a realisation.
I know my future has to be like one of those awful clean living bastards I used to hear when I first went to AA. I will have to turn into the person I hated. Fuck me I may even become happy.
The next thing on the list is my mind set. My thinking. So easily I go into negative. I put barriers up. 'It won't happen to me', 'I can't do that'. I'm either jealous of others success or berating myself for wasting time. What is the use of that? Again my Ego is winning. Ruling my thinking and behaviour.
So I spoke to people, reached out for help and of course my head wanted to be cured immediately. I was given some useful tips of what to do. Give up caffeine, chant, meditate, positive affirmations, writing, prayer. All the things my Ego hates with a passion and puts down before trying. So it wins and I remain in pain. I remain locked in self somewhere down there my ego wants. Contemot prior to investigation has been my mantra.
So I'm awakening to change. I have been praying and meditating for 4 days now. I feel lighter. The financial fear lifted this morning and came back this afternoon. I am trying to open myself up to the possibility of the future. The possibility that I may write a book, that I can do creative things. That perhaps I will be magnificent of sorts..
I'm not saying I've cracked it. (I've done 2 cups of tea and smoked 3 cigarettes whilst writing this but at least I didn't look at Shaven Asian 4) Jesus Christ it's like learning to walk or watch the X factor without wanting to kill yourself. I've a long long way to go. Many things to learn. Lots of layers to shed and a battle to get out of Ego and into the world of the soul. Into reality. To Properly step out into life. It's going to be a daily battle but one has to at least try, right?
Someone suggested I named my Ego. To give it a personality so you can talk to it, give it a perspective so you don't live it, be it and become governed by it. So I've called mine Donald. As in Trump. Fuck me, he's the world's biggest knob and exponent of Ego so it's very appropriate. Plus of course when I remember to look down on myself and my ego I can think of Donald Trump's ridiculous hair. That will make me smile and site of that ridiculous nest will take the power from any moments of self seriousness. Learn how to laugh at myself will be one of the biggest gifts of all.
After all, how important are we? Are we just passing through? How much do I really think my little worries impact on the world? is that not being a tad too self important when you miss everything happening in the world because I haven't got a semi detached in Sunbury? Get a grip Nicholas, it's a big old world out there and apparently, here's the shocking truth, it doesn't revolve around me. Hallelujah!! He's finally realised it (for today)
I've been listening to the serenity prayer for 12 years.
God, Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I never knew what courage was. To fight? To stand your ground? To be a man? Courage can take many forms but one of the greatest is to face up to what you don't like about yourself and try to change. Hard isn't it?
Why are there so many counsellors, drugs, CBT's, self help books, personal development coaches? Some of us try to change but find it so bloody hard on our own. That's why together we are stronger. In unison we can do it. With faith, hope and help it's easier. When we connect we find out we're not the only one who feels this way. We can help each other change. We can do it. We really can.
That's why even courage needs a friend sometimes
Together we are stronger
Nicholas Edward Evans
25th October 2013.
