Today was an amazing day. I learnt so much. The last day of school (Well, day 3 of Part 1 of the coaching course). I took in Twister, we played games, signed each other's shirts and threw home made darts at Mr Underhay, sadly Mrs Lightfoot wasn't wearing suspenders and I still didn't get to snog Angela Eagling behind the bike sheds. School broke up today
It has been an exhausting and intense couple of days. So many concepts, theories and techniques introduced to the group. All 20 of us have become close knit.
There are Old Essex Girls who are pure comedy, bodybuilders, key workers, recovering addicts/alcoholics, community workers, multiple personality disorders - this group has the lot. We have bonded and found a common ground. I felt a genuine respect and fondness to them.
The energy has been great and there has been a real thirst for learning/knowledge within. As soon as we are in class, the outside world ceases to exist and we have been 'in the zone'. A sign of a great course/group.
And so to the final day.
There is nothing I like better than to prepare for the final intensive day by having a 3 hour argument at midnight, employing the opposite of everything we have been taught over the past 2 days.
Essentially my technique was to put everything we have been coached and do the complete opposite. Do it at midnight of course for maximum effect. Continue until 3am and then rise at 7am totally fucked in the head. Such self care and awareness. Knob!
Remarkably I arrived on time but not in the best of moods. I Still managed meditation even though my head had the tranquillity of An Industrial Techno Rave. I wouldn't say I was raring to go but I was present. At least I could concentrate on something other then trying to get my girlfriend to admit I was right on a particular point. (What does that matter anyway?)
The morning went OK. Engaging and interesting. We got to do practical role play and have a go ourselves. It was difficult trying to be a coach for 10 minutes, listen to someone speak and try to employ techniques raised in the training. It was tough and a little overwhelming but the more you practice the easier it gets right?
Then Just before lunch I started to flag. My tiredness levels increased. The power yawn came out sucking everything in it's path. The eyes watered and I was struggling. When I am over-tired I get even more irritable, intolerant and ratty than usual.
The formula is essentially;
Michael Douglas In Falling Down + Joker in Batman X MDMA + Road Rage = Me Tired
It's not a winning formula.
A discussion started about alcoholism, 12 step fellowships, treatment centres and addicts. I picked up on what I thought was a denigration of 12 step fellowships and alcoholism as a disease and took offence. I felt defensive and challenged the tutor and group. I had now been triggered and entered Level 1 thinking.
World War 3 broke out in my head. The whole discussion opened up, "is Alcoholism/Addiction a disease" started with most people saying 'no it's not, it's a choice or a mask to cover up other problems'. Oh fuck me. That's like a red rag to me. This sent me absolutely mad. My mind doing cartwheels. Anger rising. Hate levels turned to 11. "Of course it's a fucking disease." I said in my mind
I tried to say that there are 2 things going on. There is The human being. The soul. Then there is the disease of alcoholism/addiction. No different to any other disease that lives within us.
I feel so passionate to spread the awareness that is is a disease. It's half the fucking problem in society. This ignorance and lack of information about the condition and it was in this room today with people who work in the drug and alcohol rehabilitation industry. 'Fuck me, there's no hope', I thought.
If it isn't a disease what is it? Yes the scientific information is sketchy and it is not medically stamped like cancer but who cares? Does that make it right?
Did my old man have a choice? Did they stamp alcoholism on his death certificate? No they didn't. Millions die from it but people are prepared not to have that difficult conversation. If people are suffering from alcoholism the ignorance about it means they are not been giving the whole opportunity to the treatment to give people a chance to do something about it
I'm not a 12 step Nazi or brainwashed that everyone who mis uses alcohol is an alcoholic. Not everyone needs a 12 step fellowship. Some people are heavy drinkers/drug users and need help to manage that. I get that. I encourage ALL recovery and help areas.
But if you don't believe in alcoholism as a disease then you will spend a load of time, dancing around the real issue trying to address behaviour problems when all it is symptoms of alcoholism or addiction. Cut to the chase and deal with the problem. The disease.
Then other stuff can be employed in habits and life matters to help individuals. Recovery can be all encompassing then. Effective.
But the group were clearing their throat to say it is not a disease and finally when I was challenged;
"That's just your opinion though", I flipped.
'I know I'm right. I feel it in my fucking bones. You can take your controlled drinking, your drink diary, your treatment programme, your counselling, your managing your drinking, your alcohol misuse and stick it up your arse.' I thought to myself. Good job I didn't say it.
This is my trigger point and I feel so passionate about it
If you're an alcoholic/addict the only thing that will work is complete abstinence and the only thing that has been scientifically proved to work consistently over a period of time is a 12 step based programme. Fuck me it's not rocket science.
That is not to downgrade all the other services but if you do not accept alcoholism is a disease you are just skirting round the issue with all the other areas.
You wouldn't treat cancer with a pain killer would you? If you have cancer you need a medical treatment programme to challenge the disease. Why is alcoholism so different?
Of course once you've had or having the medical treatment for cancer you may need help with life decisions, why you got it, lifestyle choices, dealing with the after effects. This is where coaching is effective. But coaching isn't going to treat the disease is it?
That's where I was coming from. In my experience alcoholism/addiction is no different. If that was the social acceptable. Then we could do something about the problem. Surely.
Finally, all this built up in my head and before it exploded, I got up and said 'I cant handle this. I need a break", and stormed out
Holy fuck. First my girlfriend and now I've managed to piss 20 people off. Blimey I was on a bender to fall out with the world. What is wrong with me?
I was in total belligerence. "Those fucking narrow minded cunts. What is wrong with the world. People are being buried in the ground with the medical community debating whether it was alcohol misuse, personality disorder or just that he drank a bit too much. It's alcoholism for fucks sake,. He's fucking dead. What's wrong with the world."
I was livid. I felt a total dick for storming out and my passion was running high. I furiously smoked 3 silk cut, a course mentor followed me out and had a chat. I basically talked at him for 5 mins and put forward a hugely credible rant about the whole alcoholism as a disease thing. I then realised, 'what am I doing'? Apologised. Thanked him for his kindness and went for a cuppa.
I had a word with myself, Thought about it. Became embarrassed. Prayed. Tried to get a better perspective.
I had to go back to complete the course. It would only be my ego and pride that would prevent me. It's good to have passion. It's good to care. I make mistakes but it doesn't mean I am one. Besides I left all my bag, coat and everything else in there.
It was a little like being banned from Bikram Yoga years ago. I lost my temper & stormed out but this time I realised it was for the right reasons but I was being narrow minded, thinking my way is the only way and in ego. I went back. Laughed at myself. Apologised to the group. Felt I was being a dick and got on with the afternoon.
Amazing I could own up, man up and not let it affect me. Move on and get on with the important stuff.
The course was great. I learnt a lot. I believe in recovery across the board. I believe in making individuals, communities, organisations, systems better. I believe in wellness in all forms. I believe in helping spread awareness of it as I disease. I believe in winning hearts and minds about recovery.
And you know what, the funny thing is, deep down I still believe I was right. My job is to learn the tools to take that passion and belief into the world and help make a difference not to get so frustrated and tell everyone to 'go fuck themselves'. I won't get much done in that way.
I will learn a more effective way. I just don't know how yet. This course has confirmed that. It has sparked some things, provided me with a first run in a very long ladder and given me fire in my belly (Or perhaps that was the Jalfrezi last night)
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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