Day 31 - End of an Era, Transfer Deadline Day & Change will have to be tomorrow

"The body is the soul's house. Shouldn't we therefore take care of our house so that it doesn't fall into ruin?

Philo Judaeus

I like this statement. I like it very much. It gives me a sense of perspective about the inside job. About the search for self love. To look after oneself. Nurture and respect health. Nourish my soul. To seek self enlightenment and look after this precious thing called life.

Today I nurtured my soul by stuffing 4 saveloy's, 2 scotch eggs, a packet of pork scratchings and 6 slices of buttered corned beef down my neck. The Soul's House cleaning will have to wait until tomorrow. Do I win the least nutritious food of the day contest? Some days you just have that, 'fuck it I'll be healthy tomorrow moments', don't we? (He says hopefully not being alone) Progress Not Perfection.

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Today was an end of an era. My last day working  on my own business in a shared office with my best mate. Next week I will be starting a superb full time job in town, of which I will have to get my head down, work hard and alter this blog accordingly. It's too good an opportunity to f**k up!  I left the shared office today in Guilford. It's been  base for just over a year and it will be sad to leave my best mate.

We have been like school-mates. Egging each other on to bunk off or mess around. Brilliant to lift the mood but useless at building a business. We were both as bad as each other, however there has been a change in the last few months where the dossing has decreased and focus has increased, as we twigged the only way to make a success of something is to work hard.

However it's still been nice, to interrupt him at some points, lean across the desk and whisper, 'I hate you'. Either that or make each other watch completely random You Tube clips. Watching Junior Kick Start form 1985 is so much better then a spread-sheet. A slacker doesn't need much excuse to slack, so we were bad and good for each other in so many ways. I'll miss him but it's time to work hard and get my head down.

I have learnt a lot over the past year in trying to set up a company/seek investment. There are so many times when you doubt yourself, what you are doing, your product, the future. It is a hard lonely road. You must learn self discipline, motivation, thick skin and self belief. There are so many things to consider and today after months of hard work a project I have had a great idea for had small investment confirmed. It will be a side-line project with a small team but it was a great way to end my entrepreneurial year. All the staff said, 'never give up' and 'it often happens in a different way to the one you started with.' They were so right, I found that out today.

It feels the right time to move into a new arena, but I will miss my mate a lot and to sit in the car in Tesco car park today eating pork scratchings at each other to see who had the loudest crunch will always stay with me. We laughed at each other in a moment of genuine happiness. We are 41 years old. Probably less in mental age than his 4 year old son. I love that man (In a masculine back slapping don't show your emotion kind of way)

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Today is transfer deadline day. (At this point women stop reading) - It is the most insane day of the year in Football. The media create a frenzied hysteria about club's scrambling around to sign players. Sky Sports go ape shit for it. Cue a rained on presenter being stationed outside the gates of each club with a group of out of work fans standing in the background cheering at a collection of over paid officials screeching past in blacked out window range rovers.

It is insane. 'Breaking News Jim. I can confirm Stoke City have signed a player nobody has heard of or know for £2.3 million'. Who fucking cares? 'Anyway onto other news Jim. Today 25,000 people were killed in Syria'. Boring lets see who Spurs have got in on loan.

It's mental. What other businesses rush around trying to do multi million pound deals by fax before 11pm as they are cheered or jeered by a series of middle age men in oversize nylon replica shirts they have paid £50 for? Football is now insane.

I actually witnessed today Sky Sports at it's best. They did a breaking news Exclusive story live from Stoke City FC. Some cameras picked up their chairman and CEO jumping up and down seemingly celebrating in their office. Sky reported the following;

"We can go to Stoke City for some exclusive news. I can confirm these are live pics of CEO and Chairman celebrating. We cannot confirm about what at this point but they have been chasing Lee Catermole all day for £5.5million. It maybe the signing they were waiting for."

Turns out they were celebrating the Pizza delivery turning up. That's Deadline Day for you. Sums it up really. Insane.

Anyway I'm off. This blog has slammed shut for the day

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 30 - Red F****g Trousers

I've only gone and bloody done it. Today was a step into the unknown. I made a bold leap into the world of middle aged fashion. Yes, that's right people. Today, the Evans wore his Red Fucking Trousers. (RFT)

Red Fucking Trousers? Yes.  Red fucking Trousers.

Not jeans, chinos, slacks, cords, stay-press, Farah's or combats. They were trousers. Not just any old trousers. Red Fucking Trousers.

I can't quite believe it myself. I was down to go out for dinner with the girlfriend, so I thought I would surprise her. I'm sure she would probably have preferred flowers, chocolates or a Hermes scarf. Instead she got this little gay Boy in Red Fucking Trousers.

Because I don't have any idea what you wear with RFT's I cobbled together and outfit that was risky to say the least. I consider myself a man of unique style and good fashion taste. Yes I verge into the world of camp Bee Gee but I figure only a man in total touch with true masculinity can do that. I'm comfortable with my Man Camp look.

However I was in new territory here. Sailing in fresh waters. I didn't have any idea what co-ordinated, so i went with a sky blue shirt, waistcoat, white belt (only one I had) and black shoes. Topped off with a long navy Crombie. I was pretty sure it don't go but I thought if anyone was going to pull it off I could. I checked the mirror and thought to myself, "Twat, but cool twat." It was time to go.

I popped into the gym on the way over to said girlfriend's, did a workout and got changed. The changing rooms were packed full of massive muscle dudes. More cortisone than chromosone. I put on my new strides and caught site in the mirror, I was suddenly gripped with terrible doubt, insecurity and self consciousness about these ridiculous pantaloons. All I could see was Red Fucking Trousers. I could almost feel the stifled laughs in the room.

At this stage I definitely thought, "Twat" leaving out the cool bit after. It was time to get the real acid test at my bird's.

I walked in and shouted "Red Fucking Trousers". She stopped, stared and remarkably said, "I like them". Holy fuck. Bingo!!! Strike one. Trouble is she backed it up with, "But they don't go with what you're wearing." So sweet and tactful. What she could have said you have all the style of a tramp. Go and get changed.

I needed a second opinion so who better then a 17 year old urban kid who knows what is going on in music, fashion and modern trends. Her daughter.

I sat her down and said, "I'm going to ask a really important question." She looked worried. "I want you to be totally honest and not hold back. OK?", Now she looked really worried. "OK" she mumbled.

"Do I Look like a twat in these red strides?"

She looked them up and down, then again before saying ever so sweetly, "Do you have any other trousers with you?"

BOOM. The killer blow. Yes I did look a twat. They clearly didn't hit the mark and I changed into the trusted jeans. It was a failed experiment. Clearly it needs rethinking. Still I reckon I deserve points for effort and courage. If a man walks into a packed male gym changing room looking camper than Graham Norton he deserves respect.

It's going to be a while before the world sees my Red Fucking Trousers. But they will be back. I can assure you of that. Evans' doesn't give up that easily. I've a mid life crisis to prolong for Christs sake. Just not with that outfit.............

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 29 - Mashed Potato

"When are you going to get sick of yesterday's mashed potato."
Anonymous

I heard someone say that phrase today and really liked it. It's sufficiently silly and profound and made sense to me.

What's your mashed potato? What is it that you can't stop doing every day? Patterns of behaviour? Habits? Addictions? Lifestyle? Thinking? Job? Relationship? Anything you feel powerless to change?

I've had so many periods of my life when I've been trapped in the mash even though I'm sick of it. You can't stop eating it every day. Sick of the white carby fog it makes you feel but unable to stop chowing down on it. What a frustrating place to be but so common in many of our lives.

It's usually taken some kind of bottom in order to contemplate changing. Usually carb overload. There needs to be some shift in order for change to happen. In whichever form.

Although there are many things I'd like to/need to change, today (and it's just for today) I can honestly say I don't have a taste for yesterday's mash. No matter how much butter, cream and cheddar cheese you bung in it. Today I don't want the mash, but I know I will at some point.

**Did you get confused what the hell I was on about there? Me too, and I wrote the sodding thing. Some days I know what I mean even if it can't express it very well. Mash metaphor over. Thank God.

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I got a great email today from someone who reads the blog. I won't embarrass him by naming him but you know who you are. He wrote the following;

"Hey Nick! I love the blog. Relate so much to all of it (what even the eating pork scratchings at a girl in the cinema? - I added that in) I look forward to reading it each night when I go to bed. It's on the money and you are right to share it. It's so helpful."

What a top email to wake up to. So nice to be of service. So nice to be of use, to connect with people. To identify. To be together in this human experience. Not everyone is an addict. It occurred to me that not everyone has the kind of head/inner voice/inner chimp/ego I do. But we all have our own doubts, insecurities, frustrations and it's great to keep connected with you all and to try and laugh at this insanity called life along the way. We're all trying to get on the best we can and it was very kind for someone to take the trouble to email such kind words.

The only hope I have is that he's not knocking one out in bed as he reads my blog. That's genuinely scary.

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My Eastern European Man Hands Chiropractor gave me a good going over today. I swear she has the hands the size of Peter Schmichael. Real Shovel hands. My lower back is still bad but my neck has got a lot worse over the past few weeks. I'm in constant low grade pain.

When I told her she made what I could only make out to be a slight grunt, and small shake of the head. I could tell she was thinking, 'pussy, man up'. Anyway she contorted me into positions people in Cirque De Solie shouldn't be in and attempted to crack my neck.

I swear she was trying to twist it off it's hinges. At one point I think it did a 360 degree rotation. I thought this may change my perception totally. Unfortunately when I got up, she asked me how it was. I said 'no change'. She grunted, shook her head and sent me packing. Like it was my fault. Perhaps I need to find another treatment? Part of me quite likes the rejection though. it's like seeing a dominatrix but in a healthy way. Perhaps I need a shrink instead?

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Have you ever felt there is a bigger plan for you? I'm not sure what I mean but recently with job/investment/coaching/recovery etc, it feels like things are falling into line as they are supposed to happen. I feel very grateful that I have opportunities. It's hard when you re wading through the shit to believe in a higher power, a plan or a role that's mapped out for you. far easier when the good stuff is happening.

I just get the feeling at the moment that I am being looked after, that things are mapped out. My job is not get in the way and let my ego fuck them up. I have a superb recovery. The only problem is that sometimes I'm in it!

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 28 - A Mid Life Crisis In M&S

It happens to all men over the age 40. The Mid-Life crisis. I thought I hit mine at 34 when I bought my 1st pair of cowboy boots and started dressing like a Bee Gee. Turns out I was wrong. Mine happened today.

How? You may ask. Well it's simple. Firstly  I spent over an hour in Marks & Spencer checking out suits and jackets. I knew I had hit the crisis when I thought to myself, "There's some really nice stuff in here'. That's it. I'm officially middle aged, Not only that but I found myself trying on a blazer with brass buttons. Then as I finally had a word with myself and scurried out, I passed the rows of sensible corduroy slacks and thought, 'They would go well with tweed'. My life is officially over.

If that wasn't bad enough I went next door, thinking, "I'm always wearing navy or dark colours. I need to mix it up a little". So I entered Zara (sounds wrong  doesn't it?) and there they were. A pair of strides. Blood red. Reduced in the sale. Bingo!!  I tried them on, thinking,  'Yeah they look great", queued for ages, handed over £20 and walked out as a proud owner of an early mid life crisis. Red slacks. It's a giveaway.

I won't wear them of course. I knew that as soon as I bought them. You know when you buy something because it's reduced thinking, 'that's a bargain, I might wear those', knowing full well you won't and end up flogging them on EBay for £2.99 in a years time.

It's peculiar how some of us buy stuff when we really don't need it. I'm a sucker for a bargain. It feels good. Gives you a little buzz. Particularly when you buy something you don't usually. The idea is great. The concept even better. But ultimately you know your just fooling yourself.

If I do wear them it will be an interesting project in self consciousness. All I'll be thinking is, 'I'm wearing Red strides'. OK if you're in a musical in the West End, a Red Coat in Butlins or contestant on Strictly. But a 41 year old man in London? Not sure about that.

I just know people will be looking thinking, 'there goes another mid life crisis'. I'm that image conscious I'm already guessing everyone will be looking at me. Self obsession is so tiresome sometimes. As if anyone gives a shit.

On the other hand, I could be bold and go for it. Top it off with some deck shoes and a nice Mustard pringle V-Neck. Christ the possibilities of a true mid life crisis are endless. Embrace the 40's  and go for it. A corduroy body warmer, an urban hoody and of course topped off with a Harley. The staple purchase for a true mid life crisis. There's nothing like roaring around London in a pair of corduroys and V-neck. Alan Titchmarsh look out. I'm coming to get you.

Fuck you Clarkson and your jacket and jeans. Piss off Cameron with your right hand parted hair. Fuck you Hammond with your leather coat, t-shirt and jeans, Evans is embracing this new found 40 year old crisis of fashion. It's V-Neck all the way for me now and the holy grail of mid life fashion...A Pair of Farah's. God help me I'll be looking like a Mini cab driver by the end of the week.

Having said that I could follow the Barry Gibb rules to mature fashion. Shell suit and shades. There's hope for me yet.




Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

(I'll post a pic of me in said Red Slacks in due time. I need a bit of courage first.....or tramadol)

Day 27 - Spinning Plates and What I learnt from Coaching

Back to reality today. The Monday morning doom. A hard-core weekend of Recovery Coaching and learning didn't leave a lot of time for much else. My little brain was full. It wanted a rest today.

I now have to sort all the things that came my way at the end of last week. The job offer, the investment offer, a new company idea. Lot's to sort out and arrange this week. Of course after an intensive 3 days of learning I deserve/need at least a week off. Terrible being a lazy bastard deep down. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way, so it's time to be up and at 'em and get my head in the game. Lots going on, lots to do, many plates to spin. Feelings of slightly being overwhelmed are rumbling in the background.

When I am busy I find my meditation and spiritual routines/rituals slip. This is peculiar, seeing as they  make me feel better. Why would I stop doing something that makes me healthier? I guess it's a question of habit and priority. It's easy to let new habits slip as they are not unconscious habits. When things require effort it's tough to keep up. When they are natural it is easy.

For instance cleaning my teeth. It is an unconscious habit to clean them in the morning and night. However there was a point as a kid when I had to be prompted/told. Therefore by repetition this becomes an unconscious habit you end up doing naturally. I view meditation similarly now. Because it is new, I have to remind myself and force myself to do it. It is un-natural, so when I'm out of my own home/routine I tend not to do it. The result is I slip back into my head, which is where my problem lies. The top 6 inches.

Note to self. Don't let up on the spiritual action. Keep doing it until it is a unconscious habit, I become a spiritual guru and set up my own sect. (with naked ladies and stuff)

I'd like to briefly list what I learnt from the coaching weekend. I'll make it brief as I'm knackered today. Here is what I learnt;

• Coaching is not a solution based project. This surprised me. I thought it was. It's not. It's about empowering the individual to make them better, be more effective or move away from harmful habits/areas.
• It's ultra hard not to jump in and offer solutions/suggestions to people when listening to their stuff
• Coaching is about the client not the coach. it is their topic, their conversation, their life. Not mine. Fuck!!! The opposite to my head.
• Coaching is about listening not speaking - Very hard for this alcoholic who can't stop finishing off people's sentences and can't wait to speak.
• There are three levels of listening
• I find it hard to ask open questions
• I find it hard not to be in my head
• I find it hard not to judge people
• I make initial judgments on individuals based on my own assumptions which aren't necessarily right
• I allow 'my shit' to affect my judgment and behaviour
• I'm often late
• I love tea
• 4 hours kip a night is not concussive to being open minded and able to take in new information
• I have quite closed set agendas on addiction
• I'm passionate about recovery
• It's good to be authentic and yourself
• I'd like to take it somewhere I in the future. It makes my heart stir (or is that indigestion from the pork scratchings)

The biggest thing I learnt this weekend though is 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. I like that a lot and that I have a long way to go. Feels good to be on that journey though, no matter how long it will take. Fancy joining me?

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 26 - Last Day of School - Falling Out With The Entire World

Today was an amazing day. I learnt so much. The last day of school (Well, day 3 of Part 1 of the coaching course). I took in Twister, we played games, signed each other's shirts and threw home made darts at Mr Underhay, sadly Mrs Lightfoot wasn't wearing suspenders and I still didn't get to snog Angela Eagling behind the bike sheds. School broke up today

It has been an exhausting and intense couple of days. So many concepts, theories and techniques introduced to the group. All 20 of us have become close knit.

There are Old Essex Girls who are pure comedy, bodybuilders, key workers, recovering addicts/alcoholics, community workers, multiple personality disorders - this group has the lot. We have bonded and found a common ground. I felt a genuine respect and fondness to them.

The energy has been great and there has been a real thirst for learning/knowledge within. As soon as we are in class, the outside world ceases to exist and we have been 'in the zone'. A sign of a great course/group.

And so to the final day.

There is nothing I like better than to prepare for the final intensive day by having a 3 hour argument at midnight, employing the opposite of everything we have been taught over the past 2 days.

Essentially my technique was to put everything we have been coached and do the complete opposite. Do it at midnight of course for maximum effect. Continue until 3am and then rise at 7am totally fucked in the head. Such self care and awareness. Knob!

Remarkably I arrived on time but not in the best of moods. I Still managed meditation even though my head had the tranquillity of An Industrial Techno Rave. I wouldn't say I was raring to go but I was present. At least I could concentrate on something other then trying to get my girlfriend to admit I was right on a particular point. (What does that matter anyway?)

The morning went OK. Engaging and interesting. We got to do practical role play and have a go ourselves. It was difficult trying to be a coach for 10 minutes, listen to someone speak and try to employ techniques raised in the training. It was tough and a little overwhelming but the more you practice the easier it gets right?

Then Just before lunch I started to flag. My tiredness levels increased. The power yawn came out sucking everything in it's path. The eyes watered and I was struggling. When I am over-tired I get even more irritable, intolerant and ratty than usual.

The formula is essentially;

Michael Douglas In Falling Down + Joker in Batman X MDMA + Road Rage = Me Tired

It's not a winning formula.

A discussion started about alcoholism, 12 step fellowships, treatment centres and addicts. I picked up on what I thought was a denigration of 12 step fellowships and alcoholism as a disease and took offence. I felt defensive and challenged the tutor and group. I had now been triggered and entered Level 1 thinking.

World War 3 broke out in my head. The whole discussion opened up, "is Alcoholism/Addiction a disease" started with most people saying 'no it's not, it's a choice or a mask to cover up other problems'. Oh fuck me. That's like a red rag to me. This sent me absolutely mad. My mind doing cartwheels. Anger rising. Hate levels turned to 11. "Of course it's a fucking disease." I said in my mind

I tried to say that there are 2 things going on. There is The  human being. The soul. Then there is the disease of alcoholism/addiction. No different to any other disease that lives within us.

I feel so passionate to spread the awareness that is is a disease. It's half the fucking problem in society. This ignorance and lack of information about the condition and it was in this room today with people who work in the drug and alcohol rehabilitation industry. 'Fuck me, there's no hope', I thought.

If it isn't a disease what is it? Yes the scientific information is sketchy and it is not medically stamped like cancer but who cares? Does that make it right?

Did my old man have a choice? Did they stamp alcoholism on his death certificate? No they didn't. Millions die from it but people are prepared not to have that difficult conversation. If people are suffering from alcoholism the ignorance about it means they are not been giving the whole opportunity to the treatment to give people a chance to do something about it

I'm not a 12 step Nazi or brainwashed that everyone who mis uses alcohol is an alcoholic. Not everyone needs a 12 step fellowship. Some people are heavy drinkers/drug users and need help to manage that. I get that. I encourage ALL recovery and help areas.

But if you don't believe in alcoholism as a disease then you will spend a load of time, dancing around the real issue trying to address behaviour problems when all it is symptoms of alcoholism or addiction. Cut to the chase and deal with the problem. The disease.

Then other stuff can be employed in habits and life matters to help individuals. Recovery can be all encompassing then. Effective.

But the group were clearing their throat to say it is not a disease and finally when I was challenged;
"That's just your opinion though", I flipped.

'I know I'm right. I feel it in my fucking bones. You can take your controlled drinking, your drink diary, your treatment programme, your counselling, your managing your drinking, your alcohol misuse and stick it up your arse.' I thought to myself. Good job I didn't say it.

This is my trigger point and I feel so passionate about it

If you're an alcoholic/addict the only thing that will work is complete abstinence and the only thing that has been scientifically proved to work consistently over a period of time is a 12 step based programme. Fuck me it's not rocket science.

That is not to downgrade all the other services but if you do not accept alcoholism is a disease you are just skirting round the issue with all the other areas.

You wouldn't treat cancer with a pain killer would you? If you have cancer you need a medical treatment programme to challenge the disease. Why is alcoholism so different?

Of course once you've had or having the medical treatment for cancer you may need help with life decisions, why you got it, lifestyle choices, dealing with the after effects. This is where coaching is effective. But coaching isn't going to treat the disease is it?

That's where I was coming from. In my experience alcoholism/addiction is no different. If that was the social acceptable. Then we could do something about the problem. Surely.

Finally, all this built up in my head and before it exploded, I got up and  said 'I cant handle this. I need a break", and stormed out

Holy fuck. First my girlfriend and now I've managed to piss  20 people off. Blimey I was on a bender to fall out with the world. What is wrong with me?

I was in total belligerence. "Those fucking narrow minded cunts. What is wrong with the world. People are being buried in the ground with the medical community debating whether it was alcohol misuse, personality disorder or just that he drank a bit too much. It's alcoholism for fucks sake,. He's fucking dead. What's wrong with the world."

I was livid. I felt a total dick for storming out and my passion was running high. I furiously smoked 3 silk cut, a course mentor followed me out and had a chat. I basically talked at him for 5 mins and put forward a hugely credible rant about the whole alcoholism as a disease thing. I then realised, 'what am I doing'? Apologised. Thanked him for his kindness and went for a cuppa.

I had a word with myself, Thought about it. Became embarrassed. Prayed. Tried to get a better perspective.

I had to go back to complete the course. It would only be my ego and pride that would prevent me. It's good to have passion. It's good to care. I make mistakes but it doesn't mean I am one. Besides I left all my bag, coat and everything else in there.

It was a little like being banned from Bikram Yoga years ago. I lost my temper & stormed out but this time I realised it was for the right reasons but I was being narrow minded, thinking my way is the only way and in ego. I went back. Laughed at myself. Apologised to the group. Felt I was being a dick and got on with the afternoon.

Amazing I could own up, man up and not let it affect me. Move on and get on with the important stuff.

The course was great. I learnt a lot. I believe in recovery across the board. I believe in making individuals, communities, organisations, systems better. I believe in wellness in all forms. I believe in helping spread awareness of it as I disease. I believe in winning hearts and minds about recovery.

And you know what, the funny thing is, deep down I still believe I was right. My job is to learn the tools to take that passion and belief into the world and help make a difference not to get so frustrated and tell everyone to 'go fuck themselves'. I won't get much done in that way.

I will learn a more effective way. I just don't know how yet. This course has confirmed that. It has sparked some things, provided me with a first run in a very long ladder and given me fire in my belly (Or perhaps that was the Jalfrezi last night)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 25 - Second Day of Coaching Course - Today I Learnt Stuff

My second day of the Coaching Course. It was full on yesterday so they told us to go home, read up on homework, prepare, treat yourself right, get some sleep and come back fresh today.

I took that on board. Here was my prep;

Leave course. Take 2 hours to drive to girlfriend's. Smoke 4 Silk Cut, 2 diet cokes (I've relapsed) Have a quick cup of tea and download. Back in car, AA home group in Richmond. 3 Silk Cut.

Stop for Pork Scratchings and KP Nuts. 2 more Silk Cuts. Go to meeting. 4 cups of tea, 4 digestive biscuits, 3 Oreols, 2 Tunnocks Tea cakes. Drive home. Stop on way for Battered Sausage and Saveloy. Get home. Eat said nutritious battered sausage. Get munchies. Go to shop. But Cereal, milk, biscuits and chocolate. Eat said nutritious shit. Write blog. 4 cups of tea, 4 silk cut. Watch shit TV. Go to bed 1.40am. Lay in bed thinking about course and new job offer. Sleep at 3am. Alarm set for 7.

Not the best preparation for a Recovery Coaching Course is it? I didn't quite follow their advice.

I woke up knackered however nothing that 3 cups of tea and a good meditation wouldn't sort. I had a good one this morning. I struggle at my girlfriend's to meditate as I like to do it in my favourite chair, in-front of my candles in my routine and environment. It's Like a ritual for me.

I packed my packed lunch, apple, clean pants and vest, gym kit, plimsolls (Green flash) and satchel and left in plenty of time. Guess what? I got there late again. 2 days running. Fuck me, surely I should be able to get the basics right. Luckily a few others were late too which masked my unmanageability. To be fair though they were getting a train from 160 miles away at 5am. I was coming form Surrey. No Excuses.

I went in determined to change my attitude from yesterday about one member of the group who annoyed me. The know it all. I wanted to give him a chance and not judge. I knew it was for me to change my attitude not change his to suit mine. A Big difference.

Strangely (Or a Godincidence) I walked into class with him. We talked and I asked how he was. He said, "I was disappointed in myself for saying too much yesterday and taking the role of the teacher. I am going to try and listen today." - Holy fuck juice. Talk about things happening better when I shut my mouth and allow them too. Remarkable.

I knew that I would have a good day if I got out of my own way and out of my ego/mind. It's hard (they call it level 1 thinking when you are in your own head) It's one of my greatest challenges.

Who the fuck am I to morally judge? I'm a loud mouth. A know It all. I have passion and have dominated conversation before. I caught sight of myself in the refection on the glass. I do not have a physical impairment. What the fuck have I got to worry about. I got perspective.

The course really challenged my core belief system in the morning. All about listening, how I view humans, recovery etc. I felt good though in early after chatting it through with the tutors. It's early days yet.

I went to a tip top tea shop opposite the university at lunchtime for an old school cup of tea. Quiet time and relaxation. Well needed when the course is so full on. It reminded me of a Welsh Cup of Tea, with cup and saucer, teapot and small milk. The only thing missing really was a Blue Ribband and 456 sandwiches with the crusts kneaded down.......The Great British Cup Of Tea. Where All Good Recovery takes place.

The afternoon was a roller coaster ride. I started off full of hope and within 1 hour of a visualisation exercise I wanted to walk out. "I can't do it." "I'm shit". An immediate toys out of the pram moment because I found something hard. Assuming all the other group members could do something I couldn't.

My head went for an hour. Another interesting observation to my Ego, reaction and inner belief system. A tea break and two furiously smoked Silk Cuts soon got me back on track. Loving the smokers in the group. Discussing Recovery techniques whilst slowly killing ourselves. The irony wasn't lost on me.

The last bit of the day really fired me up. I think I found 'my thing'. What I'm most interested in. We discussed the whole recovery process in society. What the problems are and the systems in place that aren't really working and the place for Recovery process with individuals, systems, companies.

Do you have any idea how much is spent a year on 'the problem'? When people have to go to court, prison, A&E, hospital, doctors? How much is spent on trying to treat addiction ,obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, alcohol misuse? £500 billion. What about trying to head off some of those at the pass? What about prevention through coaching, education, pre problem recovery? When people don't have to hit 'rock bottom'. This is a space I'm interested in from all

How much is lost in business from poor performance. How many families are fragmented? How many people's lives are severely affected even with depression, unhappiness, low income because they accept living in the problem because they don't know or see themselves as severe problem cases? This is the space I'm interested in.

Education. Awareness. Making our problems know, acceptable so we can do something about them. Is it not better to spend £5,000 on an individual putting in prevention techniques rather than waiting for them to get severe and end up costing the NHS £50,000? Insane idea isn't it?

The systems are wrong. It waits for a rock bottom until some solutions are offered. Even then the solutions aren't enough.

In essence this is the kind of thing I've been writing about for 2 years. I want to make defects acceptable. To highlight them, laugh at them, make them as much a part of us as the colour of our eyes. The only thing I have never had is a framework to provide a solution. I feel that Recovery Coaching can offer this to me. Maybe in one year or 5 years. It feels good to have some hope for the future. I really liked it.

Oh and what did I visualize in the exercise? me, standing on a huge book, in a stadium with people there to connect and listen to me speak. Ego maniac? Arrogance? Maybe. But where I'd love to spread the message when ready, none the less.

Oh my god my Great Grandfather, Idwell Issaac Evans, The Welsh Preacher would be so proud.

PS - Angela Eagling wasn't in today so I didn't get any tongues behind the bike shed, however I did duff Rolland up for his dinner money, though if course I don't condone bullying kids. Roll on Day 3!!!

Day 24 - Back to School - Recovery Coaching

Today I went back into a classroom for the first time in 20 years. It was the first day of a 6 day intensive Recovery Coaching Course. (split into two parts of 3 days each)

The last time I was in a learning environment was at University when I was 21. To be fair I spent most of the time hungover, drunk or in blackout. I have a Degree Certificate so I guess I must have passed.

This time it was a totally different experience. I was sober, awake, interested, engaged and late. ( I'm not that recovered yet.)

Why did I do this course?

I really want to help people but not sure in what form. This Introductory Course is the first step into what I hope will be a long term career or area I'd like to go in my life.

I don't have the answers and would never claim to know everything. I have some experience in alcoholism and recovery but no formal training and a lot to learn.

I'm so passionate about raising awareness of harmful behaviours. I believe a lot of people are unable to access the real truth deep down. Because of society, what we are supposed to do, illness, ignorance, fear, circumstance or because we simply haven't been given the tools to be able to share our real truth no matter how scary.

I believe the truth sets us free and I'd like to help facilitate that in people and empower them. I'd like to help break down Blockages to people's wellness and make it socially acceptable and part of the conversation to be open, Not in a wanky caring sharing way - in a real, human, way. A bit like how I write and speak. I'd like to help break down stigmas, negative associations and help people get the truth and on the path to recovery.

Whether it be in alcoholism, addiction, obesity, negative behaviours, mental health or just socially vulnerable. I am fascinated by human behaviour and performance. I retain a strong interest in blockages to our success in personal, professional or social life. It is what really excites me. I think I can be of value in this area. Mainly because it has happened to me. I can speak from personal experience.

Readers of this blog will know of my personal struggles with addictions. However I'm talking about the more subtle forms of thinking, personality traits and belief systems that have inhibited me and my life. I hear that all the time from people. People who read this email me. I am getting more of a feel for these things. We need not suffer alone.

So I got to the class late, there were around 20 of us and it was a really interesting day. The 3 tutors were great. Really scientifically informed, exceptionally well qualified in coaching and led a fantastic day. The group had great energy and dynamics. Most people worked or gave their time in the field of recovery. Whether it be working with offenders, people with substance or alcohol misuse, the vulnerable, mental health issues. They were good people, fired up to help. It was a good energy. I was engaged and open all day.

I don't want to talk about the guys or the course as we as a group agreed on a series of arrangements for the 3 days, one of which was confidentiality, however I just wanted to share my personal experience of the day.

The morning fired me up. Recovery Coaching was described as "An alternative way of empowering people to engage in a positive process of change and wellness". Holy fuck I was in the right place. It's what I've set out to do for myself this year.

The day had tons of information, scientific study, behavioural training and practical interactive role play that made me think about my belief systems, how I listen, engage with people, how I view recovery, how I label, judge and live in ego. It really challenged me.

From my minuscule understanding today of coaching, it's about listening and engaging with the person, setting their agenda not making suggestions of your own. It's about looking for solutions and moving forward in equal partnership. Not hierarchy relationship like therapist/client. It is a more holistic and organic approach yet rooted in getting results. It is not airy fairy. It is real. Based on serious and weighty neurological and scientific study. It is Serious and in my opinion, really fucking cool.

It's also new so probably will come up against a lot of resistance from established medical systems and individuals, but that's OK. I like mixing it up a bit.

What I like about it is it is totally the opposite of what I naturally do. I'm a talker. A preacher. I lack patience and empathy and have no time for people bullshitting. I'm eager to drill down and look what's under the bonnet. This is an asset and a hindrance as I have fucked off a lot of people off with that approach (and helped a load too) - but i'm hoping this process will help give me the skills to engage that passion in a positive way.

I struggled in parts to keep my ego in check. Wanting to put my hand up to give my opinion or engage in debate like it was a Jeremy Kyle show.

I asked lots of questions, suspended my ego in parts of was open and curious to learn. I was genuinely interested in these set of new ideals and principles It seemed to be an exciting way to help people. God knows we all need some kind of recovery in one way or other.

Everyone on the course is really inspirational in their own way. Good people doing some great work and I feel humbled and privileged to be given the opportunity to experience it.

I didn't get picked on once today and I even got my dinner money off my Mum. Playtime was excellent, we played British Bulldog in the playground and I even got to snog from Angel Eagling behind the sports hall. Can't wait for day 2, I may get tongues.!!!

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 23 - Cheers God, Nice one

Someday you have to just step back and say, 'cheers God, nice one'. Today was one of those days.

I know some of you reading may not believe in God. That's cool. This is not a 'God blog' after all. You maybe atheists, agnostics or just cannot be arsed. Some maybe spiritual without being religious. Some may have faith, or believe in nature, or the universe. Whatever gets you by is cool. It's your life and you're choice.

Trying to describe our own conception of God or a higher power is like trying to describe a rainbow. You have to see, feel and believe in it yourself. It is a very personal belief system. The main problem that I spot in this world is the arrogance of some religions. "My god is better than your God". I'm not a fan of that.

Me? I believe in a higher power. A higher being or force. Not organised religion or a God in a traditional sense but certainly a higher force. As Terry from Bury said to me, "the only thing you need to know about God, Nick, is that you're not fucking it!"

I'm actually not as arrogant as I come across. I know, I know, you will be shocked. Apparently not everything in this life revolves around me. I also know that I am not in control of all things in my life. Yes I control the direction of my life by the choices and actions. I put in the leg work, but ultimately I believe there is a higher force at work. That old phrase I keep rolling out, 'God will give you the shovel but you do the digging.'

It's easy to have faith when things are going well. It's when the chips are down that faith is truly tested. I feel I have been developing it much more this year by a new found commitment to meditation and change. It may not be revolutionary but I certainly feel a more spiritual connection with a power greater than me. Feeling a greater sense of perspective and calm in my life.

Having said that, today was a turbulent meditation. This morning's 10 minutes was delayed until mid morning after I downed loads of tea and Silk Cut. Result? Carnage of course.

Later in the day I tried again and must admit, after a good while of trying I opened one eye to spy how long of my 10 minutes I had left. It read 5 mins 47 seconds. Fuck!!! Only half way!

As readers of the blog will know I have been in financial fear and professional frustration. I have been in the wilderness for a while. Trying to start a company that people weren't interested in backing. It is a lonely road. Ebbing away at your self confidence, belief and enthusiasm. Last year was a tough year.

But this year has seen a change. A commitment to a new attitude. Challenging my beliefs. It has seen me devise an idea for a neat new product, a new company idea and apply for several jobs back in the sports market I have been out for nearly 3 years.

And so to today. In a nutshell I was offered a job and small investment on the same day. Famine to feast!! Ridiculous and amazing all rolled into one.

I don't need to go on about the details as it's not done yet or confirmed, however sometimes one just has to step back and say , 'cheers God, nice one'.

I don't feel like doing cartwheels or going over the top. I feel pleased and happy and it's right to celebrate good news. However it's also important not to go over the top. If I congratulate myself too much that's just another form of self centred ego. I can't claim all the credit here.

All I feel is grateful. It's all down to God this one. I can see some people recoiling from that saying, 'don't downgrade your role, you re the one who did it', Well Yes I turned up and did my part but ultimately I genuinely feel it's all part of the bigger plan. There are higher forces at work.

It's just God definitely has a sense of humour. Two offers on the same day! They say things come in 3's. It's Euro Lottery roll-over tomorrow. That would just be ridiculous God. I guarantee though readers (53 of you yesterday) - If the Jackpot is duly delivered all you regulars are in for a pay out.

After all, we are all in this together

Humbled today

Not a funny blog or that good (It's late and I've been busy) but truthful nonetheless.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 22 - Perhaps there's something in this spiritual life

"The Spiritual Life is not a theory, we have to live it"
Anonymous

I had a small realisation what 'The Inside Job' is about today.

Yes of course trying to change physical habits like diet coke, smoking, eating poorly is important. As is  trying to change thought patterns and negative behaviour. We all have our things we either don't like or want to change within us. Externals we'd like to alter, be it more money, better job, relationship, success etc. I'm no different to anyone in that respect.

But how do we achieve this change? Do we deny ourselves something? Turn off the Internet provider if we can't stop watching porn? Suck on E-Cigarettes to stop chuffing real ones? Taking antibuse to stop us drinking because it makes us sick? These are short term fixes. I'm getting an inkling that only some kind of spiritual shift can help us to really change deep down. Then the external will just fall away. The pain is in trying to change this on our own.

Shedding harmful things and replacing them with good things is ultimately the goal. But how do we do it? That's 'The Inside Job'

I learnt tonight there are generally 33 ways to act out in addiction and avoid feeling feelings. It varies from the headline grabbers (drink, drugs, gambling, sex, food) to things like driving too quickly, getting angry, being late, chaotic or unmanageable. In my opinion they are all forms of soul sickness. Some worse than others. Sure as humans we like to drink, be a little wild, reckless or chaotic sometimes. So what? It's called being human and to be celebrated. We are not robots or monks. I'm certainly not advocating praying and meditating for 16 hours a day and being holier than thou. We'll leave that Madonna.

But what happens when these behaviours become normal and exaggerated affecting others? Or ourselves. They are usually masking deep feelings we don't like or are uncomfortable.

I've spent years believing the spiritual life is 'for others'. Either for those living half way up a mountain in Tibet or marching down Oxford Street banging a drum. I've always been sceptical.

I've always been suspicious of the spiritual brigade who have gushed about how spiritual they are. Looking for a chink in their armour. I've been trying to find the catch.

I've always doubted that a spiritual life could help me get a better job, make me stop smoking, thinking negatively, bag me the ideal woman or have a tremendous life. I never considered for a moment all of the good external stuff comes from have a good internal. The only internal I was interested in was of the deep throat variety.

I've always thought that being spiritual is putting a chair away at the end of the meeting, doing service or holding your hand out for someone vulnerable. In a way that's true. Giving time is spiritual. But it was an aggressive spiritual. Almost an act of defiance, "I'll show you what fucking spiritual is" running round my head. That's ego.

I thought I went through a spiritual phase in 2007-2010. When I visited Goa 3 times a year for 3 years. I loved it, I grew my hair long, got the bangles, beads, necklaces, baggy trousers, ohm tattoo. The works. I was the dali lama of Balham. Of course back in London I was still running amok, getting banned from yoga and chasing every bit of skirt imaginable. But stick me in Goa. Within 3 days I was bangled up, deep tan and had tourists asking me for directions. I looked the part when all I really was, was a spiritual tourist. No different from the Lonsdale brigade.

I was Ego spiritual. You know the old hippy traveller with the credit card. Spreading peace and harmony from the comfort of the Marriott 5 Star resort. It was all bollocks but a necessary part of the journey. You see them a lot. The fake fashionistas. Where the latest craze of the 'groovy gang' is to do meditation or wear bangles or do Bikram. We live in a shallow image led world and I was leading the charge. A walking Sunday Times Style magazine whilst publicly renouncing it.

You have to experience these things though. Go through phases to grow. You have to experience putting external above internals to want to do something about it. We all have our journeys to take even when they are exceptionally uncomfortable and painful. The trick is to keep on them and not get off. That's running away. Even if we bitch and moan, cry, shout, act out, avoid. As long as we keep trying we will be OK.

Yesterday I was in fear. I wrote about it and had to get out my spiritual tool kit - keep it in day, write stuff down, share it, pray, meditate) I woke up this morning feeling OK. Coincidence?

I had a vague feeling of fear today but I did the same. Prayed, meditated etc. It's a week of meditating for me now, mostly every day and I have to say I am feeling different. There is something going on but I have no idea what.

It was a better day today. I had a phone interview and mediated before. It really helped and I was clear and confident on the phone. It was important to me but not so important I got bent out of shape about it.

Perhaps this spiritual life can work. Perhaps I don't need to dress in robes and hug trees to find a spiritual way. Perhaps it is just a route to my higher self. Fuck knows. I certainly don't have the answers. All I know is I feel better today and it had a better outcome. I had a sense of perspective my Ego simply doesn't give me. Perhaps there is something in this spiritual life after all.

Having said that, I still caned loads of fags, teas and fizzy drinks,  I'm certainly not cured yet. Progress not perfection (but that's what you love about this blog though right?)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 21 - FEAR - 10 STEPS To FIGHT THE FEAR

"For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, it never proceeded"
Big Book, AA, Page - 127

Today I'm going to talk about fear. Why? Because I'm in it. I woke up in it, I worked in it this afternoon, I went to the gym in it this evening and now I'm sitting down writing this blog in it. (and David Beckham pants) I'm in FEAR.

The specific fear I'm in is financial fear. I had the dawning realisation today there is no pay packet at the end of the month. I am without job, investment and income. It seemed OK last night but not today.

I realised the maths don't work. £0 coming in, £2500 going out. That really doesn't work does it? Clearly had I been more financially prudent over the years and stuck a load away for times like this I'd be OK. But when has a unmanageable raving alcoholic lunatic ever considered things like a 'prudent reserve'?

I'm not quite sure if it is fear of financial insecurity or financial fear. Is there any difference?

Fear of financial insecurity is usually based on projection. You may have money or a job and fear losing it, or not getting enough. "What happens of it all runs out". This is a common form of fear. I read something scary that 44% are only 3 months away from going broke if they lose their job. A grim statistic.

Financial fear is different. "How am I going to get through the month?" "How can I pay the mortgage, kids fees, put food on the table" I think it is a more immediate genuine fear of the now rather than the future. Today I have both.

Many of us are in this financial hole and full of fear. People are out of work, looking for jobs, in debt or living on low incomes. Tough times. Not all of us of course, but many people are facing a new financial landscape. The boom and credit era of the 2000's is vastly different and many people are feeling it. I am no different.

I am lucky in the sense that I don't have kids or a family to support. I also rent my gaff.  Having said that I still have vastly fixed outgoings and an awful smoking, gum, diet coke (lessened) and unmanageable habit to uphold. It requires income and when you run out of income your bound to shit yourself, plus of course get real and abandon some of these unnecessary habits that cost money.

So what is fear, this deadly assassin that can so utterly debilitate you? This emotion that can render you  motionless at times. Panicked. Worried. Stressed and depressed. It can right fuck you up.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus which is perceived as a risk of significant loss of health, wealth, status, power, security or of anything held valuable. In short, fear is a motivating force arising from the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.

In short it as a feeling that kicks in when our security is threatened. A survival mechanism that some people react with a vigour - fight. (I'll beat this fear and do something about it) or flight (fuck this I'm off)

There are two common anagrams that spring to mind;

Fuck
Everything
And
Run

or

Face
Everything
And
Recover

I don't know about you but my instincts are firmly in the former. When faced with times of trouble my mind immediately shouts "RUN AWAY!!!!" Where? "ANYWHERE - JUST RUN!!" Whether it be in booze, drugs, sexual conduct, food, procrastination, smoking or pretty much anything that helps avoid dealing with the awful reality. This of course is ultimately futile. It never solves the problem. It never provides an answer. It merely delays the inevitable.

So how can we conquer fear? Well first - how does it happen? Fear engulfs me and I can't stop thinking about it. I project 2 months in advance when I run out of money and can't live, eat, afford my outgoings. I'm already placing myself on the street, having my car repossessed, Iphone repossessed and everything else.

This is when my diseased head is in it's element. It feeds of one fear, creating another, and another and another until a complex web of fear has been spun making life gloomy and dark. It's a low place to be.

Of course when this is happening I am entirely in self centred ego. All I am thinking is about me, my situation, my fears and worries, what I haven't got and what I'm not getting.  It is all negative. It is debilitating. There is no perspective. I am not focusing on the solutions. I'm in full flight mode.

So these are the top 10 steps I've been trying to employ tonight to get me through the fear;

1 - Acknowledge it. No point in denying how we are feeling or sweeping it under the carpet is there? How can you deal with something if you don't acknowledge it exists?

2 - What is the specific fear - is it finance, relationship, being on our own, status threatened? Fear is usually brought on by some self centred ego. We are either worried we are going to lose something we've got or won't get something we want. We are entirely based in self. Once we pinpoint what they are we can then actually ask ourselves, "Is this real or is this my head?"

For me it is real today. I need an income. Simple. What wasn't real was my projection of 2 months time. Or me beating myself about the past for not retraining or saving a prudent reserve. What good is that doing me? None. It's just living in the problem some more. So is it real or is it imaginary.

If it is real we can do something about it, if it is imaginary we can share it with another and that usually takes the power out of it. Once we hear ourselves speak the fear we can usually get a handle on if it sounds rational or irrational. That's why keeping things in is harmful. All we are doing them is sitting in the problem. So share it with a trusted source.

3 - Live in the now. Is it NOW? If I'm living in the future or past I'm not in the now. Just for today I have a home, some money, food in the fridge, gum, 7 cigarettes, clothes and lots of people who love me. I'm OK just now. When I think of now I don't have fear. How can I if I just have now. Here's a tip. Look at your feet. What do you see? You see your feet right? Well that's exactly where you are now. My feet aren't 2 months time feet. They are now feet and just for right now I'm perfectly OK. I'm always exactly where I am. It's just sometimes my mind isn't.

4 - Feelings aren't Facts. If you're prone to lunatic negative thinking like me and listen to the committee in your head too much. Sometimes it processes information that isn't always accurate and I can feel certain feelings that drive my mood. Again I am 'In my head' here and not living by the facts. If I bring my facts back to today I have enough. What's to worry about?

5 - Perspective - Hate this one. 'There's always someone worse off than you'. Oh fuck off, easy to say that when your on a decent income and everything is OK for you right? That's where my head goes anyway. It's true though, when in the fear I tend to lose all sense of perspective and think my fears, worries and problems are worse than anyone Else's. They are not. Lots of people have similar ones to me. Lots  of people have it worse. When I lose perspective I'm properly fucked and in the mire. A sense of perspective and gratitude can leave more room for solutions and optimism.

6- Faith - The ultimate antidote to fear is Faith. It is impossible to have fear when you are in faith. 'Oh fuck off again' I react, 'it's easy to be in faith when you have a monthly income right? God's not going to give me a job is he? God's not going to pay off my sodding rent?'

All true, but then again God's not going to give me a job if I don't get up off my arse and look is he? God's not going to come knocking on my door. I've got to put the action in and then maybe, just maybe something will happen. And how do I know God isn't going to give me a job or some income? If I get out of my way for long enough to let it happen. Maybe it will?

Besides what good has worrying ever done for me? Has projecting the worst 2 months in advance ever made me happy or affected the outcome on things? NO! So why do I fucking well do it so naturally all the time! This time I'm going to really hand this one over to God, why? Because when I do it I tend to be in fear all day. It's worth a try because my way hasn't worked out too well for 41 years.

7 - Law of Attraction - You get back what you put out - If I project negative I'll get back negative. Re frame and re tune the thinking to believe in the possibility of excellence. It feels like I'm stapling my nuts to a table such is the pain of writing that, let alone telling myself it - but it stands to reason. If I believe good things will happen then some of it probably will. If I spent most of my life doing the opposite without any great success, maybe it's time to re frame that thinking. What have I got to lose?

8 - Action - 'God will give you the shovel but you have to dig'. Nuff said.

9 - Spiritual Connection - Something I have neglected over the years. I figured praying, meditating, sharing, reading spiritual books, personal development is not going to pay my bills, so why bother? it was all down to me right? So I concentrated on the physical. What happens if I have got it the wrong way round? What happens if my spiritual life and mind is more centred then the other stuff may follow? Christ I hadn't considered that. I prepared to suspend my belief system and be a little open minded about this. After all why would they write that splendid line, "For us material well-being always followed spiritual progress, it never proceeded". Wow - they wrote that out of personal experience. Why would I be any different.

Get the prayer and chanting mat, light the candles - I'll let you know if it worked tomorrow.

10 - Unconventional approach - If any of the above doesn't work and you still have fear, go for a long run and have a furious wank (not during, that will lead to arrest. Helps clear the decks)

PS - If you know of any work going give me a nudge, especially if it involves running and masturbation.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans










Persepctive helps.

Day 20 - Successful meditation, A homeless guy, Charlie Brookes & Lesbian Psychodrama 2

"Nothing is Either Good or Bad. Thinking Makes It So" - William Shakespeare

OK, it's late so I'm not going to hang around. Here's a quick synopsis of stand out things today;

1 - Blue Monday
The 3rd Monday of January is traditionally the most depressing day of the year. People are skint, the new years resolutions seem a long way off and 'normal service' has resumed. I say that's bollocks myself. Most of us have fucked our resolutions long before the 20th. We don't have to wait 3 weeks to disappoint ourselves do we slackers?

I'll revert to the Shakespeare quote above, and that boy could write. It maybe Monday today but it isn't blue. That can strike us on any day. It is merely a matter of perception through our thinking. Simple.

2 - A Decision

This morning I went to another 12 step fellowship. For people who struggle with self worth, financial responsibility, under-earning, trouble with debts/managing money, lack of focus about future professional goals and life management. Obviously I hated it but I heard some great stuff, went out for a coffee with a music producer who does it and he said it turned his life, career, earnings around.

He had me sold until he said. "You've got to commit and put in the work". Work is a dirty four letter word to my ego. I recoil. Can't all this stuff be injected into my head overnight so I do it automatically?

Something else to consider. Number 18 on the list.

3 - A Miracle happened this afternoon

Usually the term 'working from home' involves Bikram Yoga, The gym, pissing around on social media, endless tea, Dickinson's Real Deal and a few emails. Today I got home at 12.30pm and worked solidly through to 5pm. I intended to do 3pm yoga but didn't even stop to think. What the f**k is wrong with me? Still it felt good to actually do what i';m supposed to be doing. Creating revenue is unfortunately not going to happen itself.

When you work for someone you can effectively spend days/months/years doing sod all and getting paid for it. All you need to do is 'look busy' and sound like 'you know what you're talking about'. This can mean you can coast for years.

Doing that when you work for yourself is fine. Unfortunately you get to the end of the month and there is no income. An unfortunate downturn in heavy sloth.

Today I grafted though. Clearly I deserve 3 days off as a reward. What is the opposite of workaholism? Oh yes, Disability Living Allowance.

4 -  I met a Homeless Guy Today But I Saw The Disease.

He was at a meeting. We talked. He repeated the phrase, 'I'm on the streets x12 times'. I think he was on the streets. The gist of what he was saying was that everyone on the streets drinks and takes drugs as it's so grim. I found out his story. Married, 4 kids, always had a drink problem. Years of trying to stop, 4 years ago wife had an affair and it sent him drinking badly. He got chucked out of the house, carried on drinking and ended on the streets. He had been homeless for 2 years and now had the attitude of 'who gives a shit about me. I'm a piece of shit I might as well drink'. Suicide through alcoholism. Exactly what happened to my father.

I saw the disease of alcoholism as a direct result of this mans plight, of his story, of his family. I gave him a hug, told him he was a hero for making it into the meeting but to come back tomorrow and the day after and the day after. I have heard and seen many people get sober, housed and back into 'normal' society through 12 step fellowships. It can happen.

it just made me even more respectful of the disease of addiction and alcoholism and how most of people on the streets are there because of alcoholism ,addiction or mental health problems or all three. it is a society problem but one someone else will sort out right not me?

I feel guilty because I went for coffee with people I know not him. I really should have gone with him. And did I just write that to make myself look better than I am? Am I that concerned with image that I write I hugged him because I was the one who went over and shook his hand in the meeting? How much did I actually put myself out for him?

Some searching questions where I need to look at my own moral code and compass before judging others. How much do I go out of my way to really help a fellow human being? What I do know 100% was I could see the alcoholism going back years that had made this man homeless now. That is why it is an underrated disease.

That is why more knowledge, education  and treatment needs to be put in place. Because it would drop prison rates by 65%, it would reduced NHS admissions by 40%, it would reduce homelessness by 70%. Fuck me it would save the country £billions a year. Surely as the Bacon says...it's a No brainer. Plus it would help poor sods like Alan tonight getting onto the position he's in. Advanced and severe alcoholism. What happens if he would have been exposed to 12 step programme or the concept of alcoholism as a progressive disease 10 years ago? OK it may not have saved his marriage, kids or prevented him slipping into a severe state but he would have stood a better chance of recovery right?

As a random observation, His jeans were ironed though. He had a crease down the front.

5 - Charlie Brooks

For anyone following the phone hacking case. Charlie Brooks is the husband of Rebecca Brookes, former editor and MD of News Of The World, The Sun and Rupert Murdoch's little protege. Part of the Chipping Norton set, along with David Cameron. Get the picture?

She is in court at the moment accused of phone hacking, conspiring to pervert the course of justice. She is a despicable human being. Her husband is accused  of covering up for her, disposing of laptops, phones, evidence. He is currently on trial too.

Today it emerged in court that a Porter confiscated some bags and briefcases he was trying to destroy, realising he had left his personal briefcase with the porter, he tried to get it back and screamed 'I will sue you', to the guy who earns £9 per hour. What a cunt.

Well today The court revealed the content of Charlie Brooks' briefcase that day. It is worth a read. It included;

'A toothbrush, a blister pack, a conker, a pair of tights, a pig society newsletter and a jiffy bag containing the following DVD's, Instant Lesbian, Where boys aren't 17, Bride of Sin, Lesbian Psychodramas 2, Lesbian Psychodramas 3 and a magazine 'lesbian lovers'.'

Sue away Charlie. Good luck.

6 - Today's Meditation.

I am yet to do my evening meditation but we did 5 minutes at the meeting earlier. I had a great one. 1 minute of breathing followed by 3 minutes of thinking, 'My monthly outgoings are £1260. I spend £1300 a month on living and things. That £2560 per month going out. My current monthly income is £0. Er how does that work?' Then 1 minute of breathing again.

Now I'm no finance wizard or business genius but £0 income minus £2560 outgoing = -£2560. That really doesn't work. I can hang on for a month or so but beyond that I'm in trouble.  That was my meditation. Nice my mind was so quiet wasn't it?

Still at least I had 1 minute at the end where I got back to my mantra. 'Fucking hell!! in...... and Fucking Fuck out.

You know what though, instead of blind panic I'm usually in an crippling financial fear I feel OK. Maybe there's something in that meditation thing after all. After all it's only thinking........

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 19 - Old friends and Cock Cheese.

Some days I'd love to be so wise and philosophical. To write words of such meaning, emotion, intelligence and social power, they help people change.

Some days I'd love to write with such poetry and power, to chart what I'm doing to move towards a healthy, spiritual place.

Unfortunately that's not today. Instead I'm going to talk about cheese.

I read so many amazing blogs about weighty subjects like mental illness, addiction, personal development, psychology, healthy living, meditation, prayer, yoga and wellness I think, 'Fuck is mine doing anything towards this at all?

What happens when I have days when I'm not doing much to move towards 'a new me'? Days like today?

Well in truth, all I have to do is tell the truth. It's Sunday night. I've been out all day, I have the Sunday papers to read and my nuts to flick. I can't think of anything exceptionally insightful to say, so here are the headlines;

• Woke up late
• Meditated - mind was busier than Leicester Square. Hard
• Stretched - Back hurts. Boo
• Made GF cup of tea in bed - bound to get a blozzer later now, good investment
• 30 minute home workout - body weight stuff. I liked.
• Thought of 12 different excuses to get out of a birthday reunion lunch with old friends - Why does my ego try to talk me out of things. It wants to isolate - shut up ego!
• Wonder why I spend so much time trying to get out of things
• Go to said birthday reunion lunch
• See old friends - have great afternoon.
• Eat body weight in cheese
• Eat body weight in meat
• Eat girlfriends body weight in cheese
• Appreciate having terrific friends
• Come home
• Write
• Read papers
• Await reward for bringing GF cup of tea earlier

That's all I've got today people. Nothing dramatic.

What I learnt. My ego will try hard to make me not go to things I've agreed to go. It's hard work to actually get out of the door to go to stuff. Once I'm there I'm fine and enjoy myself but Christ, ego can you stop making doing the simple things in life so exceptionally hard and draining? Moral - don't listen to it and go and be with people. People are fun.

Another thing. Buy something quality you haven't eaten for years. Today for me it was the cheese. Such a pleasure to eat something so delicious, expensive and quality. I wholeheartedly recommend it. I've even nicked some Somerset Stilton from my friends house and will place it under my foreskin later as a surprise for my girlfriend. 'Tada....Cock cheese!'

I know. I'm wrong. I may be single tomorrow

have a good week all. Remember we're all in this together

Together we are stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 18 - Mr Angry who lives In My head & Prostrate Milking

Mr Angry who lives in my head lived in my head today.

There was no reason to be grumpy. No reason at all. Nothing bad happened. There is nothing wrong in my life today but for some reason I felt niggly, grumpy and critical. Ever have days like that?

There are so many people worse off than me, but when has my head ever listened to perspective or gratitude?

To spare the boring details. It started off OK. Did my morning routine, enjoyed the meditation, went for a walk/run and that's when it started.

The back is not great. Painful and stiff. I can't run much at all and I really got pissed off with that. 'Will I ever run again? What if I can't exercise properly? Blah blah blah. That's when it started.

I usually go to a meeting to try and nip that in the bud but I chose to go to Bikram Yoga instead. In hindsight a mistake.

Another mistake I made was having a discussion with someone before Yoga about Prostrate cancer. They asked me if I've been tested. I haven't. Then I looked up the symptoms which included lower back pain. 'Oh fuck me, that's it. That's why I've had lower back pain for 8 months', I thought. Good job I'm not one to over react or be a hypochondriac.

I then looked up how you detect signs of it. It said if your prostrate is enlarged it may be a warning sign. There is only one way to check that. The old fingers up the arse routine.

Now I'm not one for that kind of stuff. Colonic's are hard enough let alone a few fingers. One is too many. My face contorted even thinking about it. The full on wince on show. Some Men maybe up for a bit of milking but not me. (Look up milking if you don't know Mum)

Having said that if it stops Prostrate Cancer early when it has to be done. The question was. Do I wait for an appointment with a doctor or do I have a rummage myself? If so, what on earth is the best time in the Bikram class to do it? 11am is a packed class in Chiswick, so there are few opportunities to do it. Perhaps posture 8 when you bend over. The body is bent double forwards so you would get great purchase to really get in there.

There is much in the way that could go wrong though:

1 - You could be chucked out of class

2- You could be arrested for a DLT style indecent exposure

3 - You could inadvertently shoot your load if you hit the sweet spot. (Yes girls there really is a sweet spot if you hit the prostrate that makes guys shoot harder than a spree killer on Coke)

Stand easy everyone. I decided a doctors appointment was best. No self milking in Bikram Yoga for me today.

So in I went to the studio with my head full of prostrate cancer, milking and anal probing. Not advisable for a relaxing class. I was unsettled.

I took it easy, careful not to do some moves because of my back but I found myself getting annoyed about stupid things that had nothing to do with me. Mr Angry was back.

A girl sat down after 10 minutes and the teacher molly coddled her like she was dying. '10 minutes for fucks sake', my head said, 'what a pussy, why doesn't the teacher leave her'. I was full of sympathy.

Then she kept opening the window and doors to let cold air in because of the pussies in the class sitting down. 'Fuck them' my head chipped in, 'this is Hot Yoga, what the fuck do they expect?'

Then the teacher suggested I did back bends, saying 'it will be good for your back'. How the fuck does she know? It fucking hurts that's why I'm not doing them?

'I have dehydrated discs you twat', I thought. 'every professional person I have spoken to has advised me to stretch them to create space not decompress them. Fuck you'. It was in full bloom.

The windows and doors were opened and closed. My head moved in and out of Armageddon. More people wilted and sat down, 'the lazy cunts'. I soldiered on not enjoying the experience. Should have gone to a meeting.

At this point I toyed with the idea of sticking a finger up my arse just to break the head, however I felt the poor teacher would have a breakdown plus I was standing in the front row. Too obvious.

Instead one of the pussies In the back row got up and tried to open the window. The teacher barked her down, ' I'm the one who controls the heat in the room, please sit down. I can't win, some say it's too hot or it's hot enough'.

It was at that moment I felt a right idiot. The poor teacher was doing her best. It wasn't her fault I had a grumpy head. It wasn't her fault I thought I had prostrate cancer on the way in. It wasn't her fault I'm such a massive twat sometimes. I apologised for the thoughts in my head and got stuck in.

She was just doing her job. Thank God I realised that eventually and didn't act how I felt. Nobody would ever know what was going on in my head.

So yoga really worked for my karmic level today! The grump continued as I was caught in Saturday traffic for ages and to be honest it only really went when I parked up outside my house.

Just as I got out, two women were walking past. One of them was bent double with what was obviously a really bad condition, they were talking. At the point I got out the car I heard the woman bent double say, "You just have to accept and be grateful". BOOM! Talk about a message from God.

How right she was and I went indoors suitably embarrassed at my ridiculous head. Oh and I haven't got prostrate cancer. I have a bad back. Big deal.

Having said that I may organise an appointment with my doctor for a 'test'. it's always good to be safe, plus she's well fit and I've never had a 'milking' before. But sssccchhhh, don't tell my girlfriend!

I apologise universe for being a right twat in my thoughts today. Mr Angry can fuck off.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 17 - Celebrate The Good Stuff

"We missed the reality and beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of the trees"

When you are prone to negative thinking and low self esteem, it's easy to think the worst. It's scary to be optimistic in case you 'jinx it'. Someone even said the phrase today, 'if you expect the worst then it can only get better'. Which if you think about it makes sense but man does it make you gloomy.

I get confused between having too high expectations so you get disappointed and having too low expectations, so you don't get disappointed, but then you tend to get what you expect. The worst. It's baffling.

I asked the question this morning. "Do consequences change your thinking or does thinking change your consequences?" Pretty philosophical at 8am I thought. Perhaps it was the full moon?

There is no really concrete answer, however there is plenty of research to suggest changing your attitude and thinking can affect your consequences. Like the law of attraction. You get back what you put out. If you put out negativity and 'can't do' attitude, well it's more than likely that is what you'll get back. Except I believe things are a little more complicated than such bumper sticker mentality.

Having said that if you land a belter of a job, top class philly or the Euro lottery, it's pretty certain you will get a boost and be happier (at least for a while anyway). Consequences of course can change your thinking.

Today I experienced both. Changing my thinking affected consequences and consequences changed my thinking. I woke up feeling rough. Man cold was lingering, candida strong, a big lump behind my ear, wrist hurt and back was sore. Oh god, can I go back to bed please?

Old thinking was hanging on to my coat tails. Big dark circles engulfed my eyes, tired, low energy and negative thinking apparent. Welcome back Mr Evans, we've been expecting you.

I went through my morning ritual on auto-pilot. It didn't seem to do the trick. I felt I was operating at 30%. Fear and worry seemed to be on me.

Today was a big day. I was scheduled to meet Mr Investor to find out if he is interested in coming on board with this little idea we've had. There is no revenue coming into this little Gaylord at the moment, so I was keen to get a deal done.

I drove in and spoke to an old friend, who's older, wiser and impressively changing his ways through an ever increasing connection to a higher spirit. I resisted the voice in my head saying, "Don't bother ringing him, you know what he'll say and he probably won't want to listen to your same negative crap inner voice", This time I called and had a great chat.

He read a passage from a spiritual book which really resonated as I laid out above, "We missed the reality and beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of the trees". Holy shit. Bingo!!! That was me right there. Totally nailed. Too much concentrating on the negative. I can miss the good stuff. It helped change my thinking. I felt better.

I did the meeting, not feeling at my best but the outcome was good. A potential deal is on the table. This may happen. Several hoops to jump through yet but it was positive. Strangely I didn't feel up or good. I was still worried it may not happen.

I put some action in though, made some calls and emails to find out if we can get over a potential hurdle. I felt better after the action. I started to allow myself a sense of happiness inside at a job well done.

I went home and put more action in. More emails, More honesty and felt good. I had a long conversation with an old mate about how shit the England cricket team are and that felt good too. It's good to reconnect with friends.

I then got an email that I have been given a grant to do a 6 day recovery coaching course next week. I only applied 3 days ago. It should be £2k but seeing as I haven't got it, they gave me a grant place for free. I am one lucky boy. Maybe God hasn't been holding things back from me after all? I felt really good after that.

Wad this all just consequence or as a consequence of my actions? Well all I can say is that it wasn't happening last year when I didn't put the action in. This year I'm giving it a crack and already more is happening. Coincidence? Or Godincidence?

It's OK to celebrate. Not like in the old days of course when you would celebrate the sun coming out with 3 days on the piss. Or spunk loads of money before you actually have it. You do get more measured with age but also that awful 'don't jinx it' mentality can still lurk or  "If I celebrate and share the good news it will all go to shit then i'll look a dick." can sometimes linger.

Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit big. It's OK to feel happy. It's OK to celebrate, maybe in a more insular quiet way.

Having said that I did need some kind of outside celebration to cut loose, A treat if you will. '3 grams of marching powder?' '18 beers?' 'Two Russian whores and MDMA?'

'Nah, a Saveloy and 2 battered sausages from The Codfather In Twickenham. 

Dirty, disgusting, mechanically separated 'meat', that's full of saturated fat, eyeballs, ear holes and arseholes, deep fried, heart attack food. Lovely! Can't be too healthy can I?  We'll save that for the type 2 diabetes.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans

Day 16 - You Never Know The Result of Your Actions

 

“It's the action, not the fruit of the action, that's important. You have to do the right thing. It may not be in your power, may not be in your time, that there'll be any fruit. But that doesn't mean you stop doing the right thing. You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.” 
  Mahatma Gandhi

 

How can we tell what effect our actions have on the world?

 

I like Gandhis' quote, particularly the 'You may never know what results come from your action'. Kind of goes against the grain of my Ego needing a reward after a good deed.

 

I'm not sure about you but there is a deep dark place within me that expects a reward for a good turn. How many times have I raised thousands for Charity in a marathon, helped someone out, gone out of my way to tend to a vulnerable person only to think, "Come on then God, sort me out for fucks sake, look at all the good I'm doing here."

 

It's laughable the ego can think this way. Like when it feels hard done by and resentful when God doesn't throw you a bone for being good and helpful. I remember Stephanie Tegg choosing Phillip Cottee over me at school. I was gutted and full of resentment thinking, "How could she choose that knob-head, he's a bad boy, I'm so good and better than him. Why do the nice guys not get the chicks'. Well the reason is, nice guys are dull and naughty boys are not. Plus he had a better leather jacket than me.

 

It's a waste of time believing or wishing that. A good deed should be done because you want too. Not because you feel you should or because you want a pay off. Then it's a selfish deed. Another subtle form of arrogance and pride. Except it's in reverse. Some call it people pleasing. Desperate to be accepted and to do good so that it makes you feel better. Another side of that is believing you deserve good because you ARE or DO good. Surely that is merely an expectation - like the one about Tegg. I was better than Cottee, so why didn't I get her. I deserve her more. Selfish

 

I marvel at some people's capacity to help without expecting anything in return. A genuine kindness of soul and spirit. We need those sorts in the world. The Pope is a great example. True humility in action. I have a lot of respect. And he was a decent footballer.

 

Of course I'm over that Tegg/Cottee axis now. That was years ago. It would be childish and small minded of me to hope she has 8 kids by 7 different men, 15 stone, living on Larchfield estate and soon to star in Benefits Street. I'm so pleased I'm not that sick.

 

It really would be just plain horrible of me to wish Cottee clinically obese, balding with impotence, that not even a large pack of Viagra and Jennifer Anniston squirting Stella Artois out of her gash would cure. I'm so pleased I'm in recovery and able to let go of the past.

 

Point I'm trying to make is that good deeds must be done selflessly otherwise are they really good deeds? Of course it's a good thing to help out another human being if it's for selfish reasons. We can't all be holier than thou can we?

 

But what affect can your deeds have on people? The wrong word or put down can have lasting affects . Months of kindness can be undone by a single nasty fit of temper. But these are all part of life. I know I've done my fair share of temper tantrums in the past. The actions can prove harmful to people's esteem, but when in selfish anger you never think of the affect you have on others.

 

Someone pointed out to me, if a man shouts at his woman, or is aggressive he is not thinking about her right? Well, if that guy was placed in a similar situation and had a guy 1ft taller shouting aggressively in his face wouldn't he feel a little intimidated? Of course, that throws a different spin on it right?

 

How about a positive affect? Asmile? How about some patience? We never really know the impact we can have on others. Many have dramatic effects without ever knowing.

 

The person who took me out for a coffee at my first meeting. The person who posted on Facebook they are running the marathon because they have Cancer, a sporting icon or just Mr Average who opened a door for you and smiled. We have no idea of the knock on affect of our behaviour.

 

 

Of course when we are lost in head, on our own in our daily boring routines, some of us think, 'how on earth can I affect anyone today?' 'I have nothing to give'.

 

Truth is we all have so much to give in so many ways. There are people who have affected me greatly and have no idea. Even if it's how NOT to be like.

 

I say this because I got two emails from people today who read my blog. One is struggling with ultra negative thinking or as they described it, 'my fucking head'. The other was from a bloke who cannot articulate what is happening to him other than parts of his life are going wrong and he doesn't know what to do about it.

 

I guess I'm lucky. I have a fellowship, 12 step programme and such a great resource to tap into. I'm used to being open. Nothing shocks me about human behaviour, so if this little daily blog can affect a positive influence in someone's life. Be it making them laugh or just thinking, 'fuck me thank god I'm not alone', or stimulate them to make a change of sorts then for me it's job done.

 

Obviously I'm not that humble or holy as I wouldn't have just written a long preamble to what is essentially a massive pat on my own back. Who knows what the results will be of my writing.

 

I'm not offering glib solutions here (yet) I'm throwing it open saying we're all in this together. We all have problems. We all have good times and bad. It's OK to be exactly where you are at the moment, even if Tegg/Cottee are married and living in Malibu as multi millionaires, I'm OK with that, though part of me would like them to get so obese they cannot leave their Malibu beachfront house, get Stairlifts to winch them out of bed, elasticated trousers,Velcro shoes and Diabetes Type 2 -  No really, I am Ok with it. Honestly. I'm in recovery see.

 

We never know the affect we have on the world. I get tremendous inspiration not from the grandest things or the most famous or intense or 'successful'. I get inspiration from the angriest bastard trying meditation and it calming them down, from someone so fearful they cannot speak up only to hear them speaking up. From a criminal repenting their ways, from people trying to be better no matter how.

 

These are the things that affect me and I hear it every day from every day people. The ones who want to change are my heroes, not the ones who tell me how to do it. (Most of them don't do it themselves anyway)

 

My tip for the day - make one little change no matter how small and tell someone, show them and see how you can have an affect on the world. Oh and if you get a massive pay off from God immediately then I officially hate you, even more than The Tegg/Cottee Axis (but I'm so over that)

 

Together We Are Stronger

 

Nicholas Evans