This blog is slipping, I simply haven't had the time to write and if I'm honest my life circumstances have changed somewhat so that I'm not feeling the urge to bare all in public so much.
This week has seen Scotland vote to keep part of the UK, more chaos and trauma in the middle East and I've become more peaceful. Strange feeling that.
I'm not a social commentator so I'll leave that to those who do it best. However what I am interested in is addiction, recovery, character defects and 'the head', so let me talk a little about that.
I have a housemate now. After living on my own for nearly 2 years I have a housemate. Not from choice I hasten to add, but my space is no longer my own and I'm gutted.
In AA I you hear that acceptance is the answer. When I am disturbed it is because something is not right in me, not the world. Well, when someone is eating monkey nuts really loudly when you're trying to work, the house is full of stuff, clutter gets everywhere and you simply feel invaded of personal space I find it hard to practice acceptance.
The thoughts of shouting, 'FOR FUCKS SAKE WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF AND STOP LEAVING CLUTTER EVERYWHERE & STOP EATING THOSE MONKEY FUCKING NUTS', were prevalent. I had to practice restraint of pen & tongue (and email, text, Whats App, Facebook, Twitter)
For this self centred self seeking ego maniac I like things my way. When that is compromised it takes me ages to accept. Still, that's rather a high class problem, though I have been looking at beheading in a different light this week. (Joke)
I have been intermittently meditating. I know I made a commitment last week to do it every day. That's why making pledges are dangerous. Most days I do 5-8 minutes, but on some of the mornings I stopped to answer a text or do something else. Not really the art of meditation that but it's all about practice right?
My subtle self sabotage is still alive and well. Staying up far too late, meaning I'm too tired in the morning to meditate properly and prepare myself for the day. The result I have been grumpy and quick to anger at work. Snappy and intolerant. Not a good look.
I chilled out towards the end of the week and find myself today in a peaceful place. Just for today I have no real worries. I have high class problems. For instance the District Line has engineering works and I need to use it to go to a corporate hospitality box at West Ham v Liverpool.
I've been invited by a client as a guest, with free food, drink and posh seats. How unfortunate that I've got to schlap all across London on a dodgy District Line to go to a match to the team I support. Poor me.
See, left unchecked that's how ungrateful I am. I really am. Focusing on the negative. Not seeing the bigger picture. Lack of perspective and gratitude is as much a part of my disease as low self esteem etc.
So this is to grass me up, show myself the reality and how lucky I am to be going, to be invited and to be able to watch my team play. I shall hold onto that gratitude when I'm sat for 2 hours on a bus replacement in the Isle of Dogs. The ultimate test of my flimsy form of Band Aid gratitude. A deeper sort awaits me in the future I hope.
It's not a very interesting blog today as I haven't got much to say. I feel calm. But I'm still aware I've been acting in self all week and still putting off the things I know I need to do in order to move towards a cleaner recovery.
Still, I'm clearly not ready so not point banging on about it. Best enjoy the day and do what you're apparently meant to do....have fun and enjoy life not endure it.
Have a good weekend readers and a little tip if you are meditating, try not to have a Whats App conversation in the middle of it. Doesn't work. I've done it twice this week. It screws up a good bout of sexting. (and meditation) - I've yet to find any spiritual teacher who has combined sexting with any form of meditative spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps that could be a winning new App? I'll get my thinking cap on...
It's a tough choice though. Playful fantasy, self fulfilling lusty fun or calm, peaceful meditation. I know what will make me feel better. I know what is more spiritually nourishing. I know what the right thing to do is.....but since when has knowledge and knowing what the right thing to do ever stopped me in acting out in self will. The call of the wild is sometimes so much stronger than the call of the mild. Many of you will know what I'm saying there.
Anyway, must go another incoming. This pesky Whats App, IPhone, social media, sexting addiction isn't going to feed itself now is it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Day 156 - Barely Scratching The Surface & Time to meditate?
I've been lying low this week. Since my birthday I've been struck by a rather large dose of low self esteem and self hatred. It's boring and dull. The desire to write about it has be absent.
The words, "Here we go again" have been floating around my head. Not wanting to reveal too much publicly. Plus of course thinking reading it people would just get frustrated and think, "whining sod why doesn't he just pull himself together."
Self hatred, self pity and low self esteem are really ugly traits. They are ugly to hear in others and ugly to feel in oneself. They are self indulgent and most of society hasn't got the patience, tolerance or indeed stomach to hear too much of it. Rightly so I hasten to add.
When I hear people 'right in it', it is painful. My Nan used to say, 'nobody likes a moaner' - which made me think. "Christ Nan, I wish I had more of your DNA".
It saps your energy and you want to help but there is very little you can do. People with experience of depression will know. The mind is such a powerful tool that when negative forces take hold it is very difficult to reverse or nip in the bud.
Part of alcoholism is low self esteem. It just is. That nagging feeling of not being good enough is never far away. It has got better over the years, but since turning 42 it has come back strongly.
Why? I suppose many reasons. One of which is what it means to be a man. 42 without a mortgage, home, family, kids - hasn't been an issue to me in the past. Yes it's nagged me deep down, but this week it's really done a number on me. It's made me question my whole being.
Have I been avoiding things? Is it deep rooted fear? Am I great at covering it all up? Am I delaying the inevitable? Isn't it my job to build, procreate and provide? How much of a man am I really? How much of my sobriety have I dedicated to covering all this shit up with looks, massive quiff, sculpted abs, chiselled biceps, Ironman triathlons and promiscuity? As long as I look good right? Who really wants to address that deep rooted painful ugly stuff? Am I too needy? Am I co-dependant? The list goes on and on.
When in that messy bog of self pity my head has taken me to dark, negative places. And of course it doesn't have an off button. It just goes deeper and deeper. I have punished myself for putting more store in the outside and severely neglecting the inside.
Being hard on oneself is also another classic alcoholic egoic thing. It's like pride in reverse. Beating oneself up, punishing yourself for what you haven't done, concentrating on the negative over the good stuff is a sign you are bang in your disease. That's where I've been this week.
Is it that Deep down I have such little self regard that I kill myself with cigarettes, diet coke, little sleep, poor diet, sugar binges, obsessions, kinks and capers. I continue to use many things to avoid feeling my feelings. Am I running away? Delaying that inevitable judgment day when you have to face up to the truth, walk through the fear and face the pain?
Oh no am I going to turn into one of those wankers who blames the trauma of their childhood?!! Pass me the sick bucket now!! See I have to make a joke of it. Plus I have to make myself hide the vulnerability by slating people who face up to childhood trauma. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact it is braver to deal with that and face up to deep rooted fears than it is to delay them and act in disease. It's easier to cover up with the armour of arrogance or not give a shit than it is to really go into the nitty gritty (not in a self obsessed way I add, but in a courageous healthy way to free yourself to live life) - I suspect that's a harsh bout of truth I've just told myself there.
Maybe I place myself in positions to feel shit about myself because deep down that's what I think I deserve. It's like I'm drawn to it in many ways. Ever been in a relationship longer than you should because you feel it's what you deserve? Ever not asked for enough money in your job because of the fear of being sacked? Ever not done something you love because of fear of failure. It all comes from the same place. Low self esteem and self hatred. Addicts are riddled with it deep down.
All people have it. We are not superior in that regard. But normal people shrug it off and get on with it. I tend to wallow in it. An awful trait I have but I have it.
It is a continual self sabotage of the highest order. Stop killing yourself with drink and drugs but find a host of other more subtle ways to do the job.
It's been pretty bad 'under the bonnet' this week. Of course I've put my whistle on, quiffed my hair, turned up for work and put on the armour. Everybody I meet says, 'you look great'. And I do. I really do. I know I'm a decent looking chap and I look better than I ever have in my life. But Nobody would know the cracker factory below. Nobody would ever guess of the insecurity, low self esteem lurking within. I cover it well. When I'm busy I forget this head and these feelings but when I return back to my head - man they are strong. Hide it with the quiff Nick. It's all in the quiff.
I feel a fraud for writing this. The inside Job was to see if I could arrest these bad habits and things I pursue to get 'under the bonnet' of the disease. To change. But, if I'm honest I feel I am just pushing paper around, skirting around the sides and deep 'in it', which on a bad day means this blog is effectively redundant. Who wants to hear about someone talking about wanting to change but not doing it?
Frustrating no doubt for people who know me, love me, read this and pretty dull for those who don't.
It just makes me think I have barely scratched the surface of the disease. I am thinking the Inside Job is a lifetime work. I am not cured. I am merely beginning to see the scale of it and begin to gain some kind of self awareness.
That's great but the ultimate one is positive action.
I felt a little odd today. Woke up slightly needy and in fear. I have my reasons why.
I went to a meeting and heard some good stuff. One lady was talking about mindfulness and taking time to appreciate her life even the mundane stuff. I thought to myself, 'I like that concept I will try that today"
Then as soon as I left the meeting, I completely forgot about that and got straight back on the text. What the fuck is wrong with me! Addicted to the sodding I-Phone. At least alcohol or crack is hard-core. IPhone addiction is so modern and lame. It's embarrassing.
I went home and reluctantly did some chores. Swearing all the way that poor me had to do these things on my day off. Mindful gratitude was not on my list of emotions I was experiencing.
I thought of my Dad. When I was young he was always swearing at having to do dull shit around the house and made everyone know he hated it and couldn't be arsed. He was a raging alcoholic and a terminal self seeker.
Here I was at 42, 13 years sober doing exactly the same. Like father like son. One alcoholic to another. Difference is I can recognise that kind of behaviour. 13 years gives you that at least.
Then I went for a run and I bumped into a friend who is a mindfulness meditation teacher. I had a few lessons with her back in January and started to do it every day. I have to admit it did help and I felt some kind of connection with a higher force.
I packed it in when I got a full time job. Is it a coincidence I bumped into her?
Since working full time I have slipped right back into me. Self seeking, busy, caning the DC and fags. Chasing things. Being in self will. It helps of course if you solely concentrate on your work and you become focused on that. Brings some kind of success but at what cost?
I've also found myself slipping into other obsessions which have driven me and been at the forefront of my mind. Trouble is I'd rather do that than meditate.
But by bumping into her, having a chat, I went home and did 10 minutes. OK my mind was wandering more than a spider with 18 legs. But I did have moments of peace. It is clearly something to try.
I now feel differently. Less needy, less in fear, less shit.
I'm not fixed or healed. I've still gunned a can of DC whilst writing this and I'm itching for a cig. But I'm going to commit to meditation every day. I'm really not that busy that I cant do it - who knows it maybe good for me. What have I got to lose?
20 minutes less in Radio Nick FM, listening to his favourite show 'self will run riot' can only be a good thing.
I'll be back on form soon readers and you won't have to put up with this whiny drivel for much longer. Still this is brutally honest and It will get better. I truly believe I will succeed. I will change. And I will do it by laying open all this dark horrible shit and we will do it together. Its just I'm going to write a book about it and you'll have to spend £18.99 getting the answer of how.
That's a long term goal/vision by the way. We've got to have dreams right?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
The words, "Here we go again" have been floating around my head. Not wanting to reveal too much publicly. Plus of course thinking reading it people would just get frustrated and think, "whining sod why doesn't he just pull himself together."
Self hatred, self pity and low self esteem are really ugly traits. They are ugly to hear in others and ugly to feel in oneself. They are self indulgent and most of society hasn't got the patience, tolerance or indeed stomach to hear too much of it. Rightly so I hasten to add.
When I hear people 'right in it', it is painful. My Nan used to say, 'nobody likes a moaner' - which made me think. "Christ Nan, I wish I had more of your DNA".
It saps your energy and you want to help but there is very little you can do. People with experience of depression will know. The mind is such a powerful tool that when negative forces take hold it is very difficult to reverse or nip in the bud.
Part of alcoholism is low self esteem. It just is. That nagging feeling of not being good enough is never far away. It has got better over the years, but since turning 42 it has come back strongly.
Why? I suppose many reasons. One of which is what it means to be a man. 42 without a mortgage, home, family, kids - hasn't been an issue to me in the past. Yes it's nagged me deep down, but this week it's really done a number on me. It's made me question my whole being.
Have I been avoiding things? Is it deep rooted fear? Am I great at covering it all up? Am I delaying the inevitable? Isn't it my job to build, procreate and provide? How much of a man am I really? How much of my sobriety have I dedicated to covering all this shit up with looks, massive quiff, sculpted abs, chiselled biceps, Ironman triathlons and promiscuity? As long as I look good right? Who really wants to address that deep rooted painful ugly stuff? Am I too needy? Am I co-dependant? The list goes on and on.
When in that messy bog of self pity my head has taken me to dark, negative places. And of course it doesn't have an off button. It just goes deeper and deeper. I have punished myself for putting more store in the outside and severely neglecting the inside.
Being hard on oneself is also another classic alcoholic egoic thing. It's like pride in reverse. Beating oneself up, punishing yourself for what you haven't done, concentrating on the negative over the good stuff is a sign you are bang in your disease. That's where I've been this week.
Is it that Deep down I have such little self regard that I kill myself with cigarettes, diet coke, little sleep, poor diet, sugar binges, obsessions, kinks and capers. I continue to use many things to avoid feeling my feelings. Am I running away? Delaying that inevitable judgment day when you have to face up to the truth, walk through the fear and face the pain?
Oh no am I going to turn into one of those wankers who blames the trauma of their childhood?!! Pass me the sick bucket now!! See I have to make a joke of it. Plus I have to make myself hide the vulnerability by slating people who face up to childhood trauma. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact it is braver to deal with that and face up to deep rooted fears than it is to delay them and act in disease. It's easier to cover up with the armour of arrogance or not give a shit than it is to really go into the nitty gritty (not in a self obsessed way I add, but in a courageous healthy way to free yourself to live life) - I suspect that's a harsh bout of truth I've just told myself there.
Maybe I place myself in positions to feel shit about myself because deep down that's what I think I deserve. It's like I'm drawn to it in many ways. Ever been in a relationship longer than you should because you feel it's what you deserve? Ever not asked for enough money in your job because of the fear of being sacked? Ever not done something you love because of fear of failure. It all comes from the same place. Low self esteem and self hatred. Addicts are riddled with it deep down.
All people have it. We are not superior in that regard. But normal people shrug it off and get on with it. I tend to wallow in it. An awful trait I have but I have it.
It is a continual self sabotage of the highest order. Stop killing yourself with drink and drugs but find a host of other more subtle ways to do the job.
It's been pretty bad 'under the bonnet' this week. Of course I've put my whistle on, quiffed my hair, turned up for work and put on the armour. Everybody I meet says, 'you look great'. And I do. I really do. I know I'm a decent looking chap and I look better than I ever have in my life. But Nobody would know the cracker factory below. Nobody would ever guess of the insecurity, low self esteem lurking within. I cover it well. When I'm busy I forget this head and these feelings but when I return back to my head - man they are strong. Hide it with the quiff Nick. It's all in the quiff.
I feel a fraud for writing this. The inside Job was to see if I could arrest these bad habits and things I pursue to get 'under the bonnet' of the disease. To change. But, if I'm honest I feel I am just pushing paper around, skirting around the sides and deep 'in it', which on a bad day means this blog is effectively redundant. Who wants to hear about someone talking about wanting to change but not doing it?
Frustrating no doubt for people who know me, love me, read this and pretty dull for those who don't.
It just makes me think I have barely scratched the surface of the disease. I am thinking the Inside Job is a lifetime work. I am not cured. I am merely beginning to see the scale of it and begin to gain some kind of self awareness.
That's great but the ultimate one is positive action.
I felt a little odd today. Woke up slightly needy and in fear. I have my reasons why.
I went to a meeting and heard some good stuff. One lady was talking about mindfulness and taking time to appreciate her life even the mundane stuff. I thought to myself, 'I like that concept I will try that today"
Then as soon as I left the meeting, I completely forgot about that and got straight back on the text. What the fuck is wrong with me! Addicted to the sodding I-Phone. At least alcohol or crack is hard-core. IPhone addiction is so modern and lame. It's embarrassing.
I went home and reluctantly did some chores. Swearing all the way that poor me had to do these things on my day off. Mindful gratitude was not on my list of emotions I was experiencing.
I thought of my Dad. When I was young he was always swearing at having to do dull shit around the house and made everyone know he hated it and couldn't be arsed. He was a raging alcoholic and a terminal self seeker.
Here I was at 42, 13 years sober doing exactly the same. Like father like son. One alcoholic to another. Difference is I can recognise that kind of behaviour. 13 years gives you that at least.
Then I went for a run and I bumped into a friend who is a mindfulness meditation teacher. I had a few lessons with her back in January and started to do it every day. I have to admit it did help and I felt some kind of connection with a higher force.
I packed it in when I got a full time job. Is it a coincidence I bumped into her?
Since working full time I have slipped right back into me. Self seeking, busy, caning the DC and fags. Chasing things. Being in self will. It helps of course if you solely concentrate on your work and you become focused on that. Brings some kind of success but at what cost?
I've also found myself slipping into other obsessions which have driven me and been at the forefront of my mind. Trouble is I'd rather do that than meditate.
But by bumping into her, having a chat, I went home and did 10 minutes. OK my mind was wandering more than a spider with 18 legs. But I did have moments of peace. It is clearly something to try.
I now feel differently. Less needy, less in fear, less shit.
I'm not fixed or healed. I've still gunned a can of DC whilst writing this and I'm itching for a cig. But I'm going to commit to meditation every day. I'm really not that busy that I cant do it - who knows it maybe good for me. What have I got to lose?
20 minutes less in Radio Nick FM, listening to his favourite show 'self will run riot' can only be a good thing.
I'll be back on form soon readers and you won't have to put up with this whiny drivel for much longer. Still this is brutally honest and It will get better. I truly believe I will succeed. I will change. And I will do it by laying open all this dark horrible shit and we will do it together. Its just I'm going to write a book about it and you'll have to spend £18.99 getting the answer of how.
That's a long term goal/vision by the way. We've got to have dreams right?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Day 155 - Step 7 - Humbly Asked Him to Remove Stuff
I've been attending AA for 13 years now. It has included thousands of meetings, hundreds of prayers, reading the steps and the book numerous times and hearing 'the message of recovery' over and over again.
So why is it that I totally forget I'm an alcoholic and act in my self will so much of the time?
They do say that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you, you haven't got it. It also highlights why regular meetings help, otherwise we forget and naturally slip into old habits. I know I do.
So despite the hundreds of hours of recovery I went to a step 7 meeting tonight and thought to myself, "oh yeah, step 7. I forgot about that".
Quick synopsis for those of you who are not addicts/alcoholics or well versed in the old 12 step recovery thing and what step 7 is.
Behind the substance lays the disease that makes up the addict/alcoholic. The disease centres in the mind and helps to make the addict think/feel in a certain way so that using a substance is the only thing they can think/want to deal with that way of thinking. Make sense? it's almost as if the disease drives you into being that way. You have little or no choice when you're in it.
Take the alcohol out of a fruit cake and you're still left with a fruitcake. Same with an alcoholic. Take away the substance and you're left with the personality, defects and mental twists that force you to drink/use substances. Without a deep psychic change then very little or any long lasting sobriety can be usually be found.
We are governed by 100 forms of fear, worry, self loathing, self hatred, jealousy, envy, grandiosity and ego mania - without a programme of living or some treatment on a psychological scale we are doomed to using.
This is the spiritual side of the disease. The physical is in putting down the substance. The mental is in examining the reasons behind it and the spiritual is the trying to move away from the natural instincts of the alcoholic that puts you closer to that substance. Are you with me?
They are all deeply human emotions, no different from what we all experience but they tend to run riot in the addict, max out and nearly always end in some kind of self sabotaging blast. Trouble is the addict has zero control or off button and the phenomenon of craving is established and they will not stop until they pass out, black or are punched out.
I experience it with many things. Adrenaline. Sex. Love. Food. Excitement. Not so with drugs or alcohol anymore but in many other areas where you get a sense of adventure and excitement and it kicks off that 'thing' in you that you want more and more and more and more.
Ultimately addiction is a greedy sod that will stop at nothing. There are no amount of muffins in this world that will satisfy it when I start that sugar craving. No amount of sex or relationships that can slate that thirst once the beast is unleashed.
That's not to say it is out of control all the time. Take today for example. I woke up, I prayed, I meditated for 5 mins, I did some work. I felt a vague whiff of fear and 'less thanism'. Not sure why or how or what against, just a free floating anxiety.
I went to a business meeting, got a large does of less than from the person I met who had bought a property for £600k and sold it for £750k and on my merry way I went.
I got back home, did some work and my mind drifted to more unspiritual matters as it does when I am disturbed.
I went to the meeting. It was step 7. 'Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings', listened to the reading, criticised what people shared in my head, came in with a slightly egoic final share and buggered off home.
Now nothing bad happened today, nothing dramatic but I realised in my head, through listening to the reading that I have been mostly operating in my own will/head and defects for a few weeks now. No hint of spiritual connection to a higher power. No perspective. No spiritual axis.
Instead it's been constant thought of job, work, new App, girlfriend, acting out, unspiritual obsessions, me, what i'm going to get, what i'm not going to get, what other people are going to do against me. Me. Me. Me. Self will run riot. Self centred fear Maybe not to a large debilitating level but a low level hint throughout. Enough to make me want to act out in certain ways to take my mind off it. Are you still with me?
Jesus, I didn't realise until I heard the reading that alcoholism is self will run riot (though they usually don't think so) and that it's ego mania and self centred fear. Exactly the things that drive me without me knowing it.
Step 7 is a rallying call to seek a connection with a higher power and ask for help to move away from the chronic self will addicts and alcoholics seem to bathe in. I know I do. It's just I rarely see it in myself until I hear it in another or hear it read out in a book. I see myself through the reflection of others.
I was so stirred by the meeting, by the reading and step 7 I sped home to immediately write a blog about me. Yes, you've guessed it I am self centred to the extreme and I simply had to write about it.
Placing anything above spiritual connection is always a bad idea but oh so appealing. God or a higher power is always last on the list of things to make me feel better. Usually the list is along the lines of;
1 -Sex
2 - Sex
3 - woman
4 - money
5 - True Detective - DVD Box sets
6 - Liverpool FC
7 - Ice cream
8 - unspiritual videos
9 - gym
10 - Cricket
11 - Aircrash Investigation
12 - Nazi Megastructures
13 - Books
14 - Writing
15 - Liver sausage
16 - Cowboy boots
17 - Job
18 - Sex
19 - Meetings
20 - God
That pretty much sums my head up. So when I hear Step 7 read out and that my problem centres in my mind and I suffer from self will and self centred fear I think, 'That's it'. That's the answer.
I feel so good. It makes sense. I feel an ease and comfort and vow to work on my spiritual connection more and connect with my higher power. I walk out with a spring in my step and feel like I have a design for living.
Well, that's until I get back in my car, switch on my phone, check What's App, look at Facebook, check my Twitter account and race back home to put on episode 5 of True Detectives. I'm not even going to go into to the other stuff. That's off limits. But man is it so easy to climb back into self will.
I suppose at least I had some kind of spiritual perception for an hour. Better than nothing right? That's some kind of progress. There are so many layers of self will it's fascinating. I'm now going to retreat back to layer 2. It's when you get to 9 you better start worrying. That usually happens after a week of no meetings. At least I have a few days to go yet then.
Did all you non recovery people follow that blog? Not sure I did either if I'm honest and I've been doing the sodding thing for 13 years.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
So why is it that I totally forget I'm an alcoholic and act in my self will so much of the time?
They do say that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you, you haven't got it. It also highlights why regular meetings help, otherwise we forget and naturally slip into old habits. I know I do.
So despite the hundreds of hours of recovery I went to a step 7 meeting tonight and thought to myself, "oh yeah, step 7. I forgot about that".
Quick synopsis for those of you who are not addicts/alcoholics or well versed in the old 12 step recovery thing and what step 7 is.
Behind the substance lays the disease that makes up the addict/alcoholic. The disease centres in the mind and helps to make the addict think/feel in a certain way so that using a substance is the only thing they can think/want to deal with that way of thinking. Make sense? it's almost as if the disease drives you into being that way. You have little or no choice when you're in it.
Take the alcohol out of a fruit cake and you're still left with a fruitcake. Same with an alcoholic. Take away the substance and you're left with the personality, defects and mental twists that force you to drink/use substances. Without a deep psychic change then very little or any long lasting sobriety can be usually be found.
We are governed by 100 forms of fear, worry, self loathing, self hatred, jealousy, envy, grandiosity and ego mania - without a programme of living or some treatment on a psychological scale we are doomed to using.
This is the spiritual side of the disease. The physical is in putting down the substance. The mental is in examining the reasons behind it and the spiritual is the trying to move away from the natural instincts of the alcoholic that puts you closer to that substance. Are you with me?
They are all deeply human emotions, no different from what we all experience but they tend to run riot in the addict, max out and nearly always end in some kind of self sabotaging blast. Trouble is the addict has zero control or off button and the phenomenon of craving is established and they will not stop until they pass out, black or are punched out.
I experience it with many things. Adrenaline. Sex. Love. Food. Excitement. Not so with drugs or alcohol anymore but in many other areas where you get a sense of adventure and excitement and it kicks off that 'thing' in you that you want more and more and more and more.
Ultimately addiction is a greedy sod that will stop at nothing. There are no amount of muffins in this world that will satisfy it when I start that sugar craving. No amount of sex or relationships that can slate that thirst once the beast is unleashed.
That's not to say it is out of control all the time. Take today for example. I woke up, I prayed, I meditated for 5 mins, I did some work. I felt a vague whiff of fear and 'less thanism'. Not sure why or how or what against, just a free floating anxiety.
I went to a business meeting, got a large does of less than from the person I met who had bought a property for £600k and sold it for £750k and on my merry way I went.
I got back home, did some work and my mind drifted to more unspiritual matters as it does when I am disturbed.
I went to the meeting. It was step 7. 'Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings', listened to the reading, criticised what people shared in my head, came in with a slightly egoic final share and buggered off home.
Now nothing bad happened today, nothing dramatic but I realised in my head, through listening to the reading that I have been mostly operating in my own will/head and defects for a few weeks now. No hint of spiritual connection to a higher power. No perspective. No spiritual axis.
Instead it's been constant thought of job, work, new App, girlfriend, acting out, unspiritual obsessions, me, what i'm going to get, what i'm not going to get, what other people are going to do against me. Me. Me. Me. Self will run riot. Self centred fear Maybe not to a large debilitating level but a low level hint throughout. Enough to make me want to act out in certain ways to take my mind off it. Are you still with me?
Jesus, I didn't realise until I heard the reading that alcoholism is self will run riot (though they usually don't think so) and that it's ego mania and self centred fear. Exactly the things that drive me without me knowing it.
Step 7 is a rallying call to seek a connection with a higher power and ask for help to move away from the chronic self will addicts and alcoholics seem to bathe in. I know I do. It's just I rarely see it in myself until I hear it in another or hear it read out in a book. I see myself through the reflection of others.
I was so stirred by the meeting, by the reading and step 7 I sped home to immediately write a blog about me. Yes, you've guessed it I am self centred to the extreme and I simply had to write about it.
Placing anything above spiritual connection is always a bad idea but oh so appealing. God or a higher power is always last on the list of things to make me feel better. Usually the list is along the lines of;
1 -Sex
2 - Sex
3 - woman
4 - money
5 - True Detective - DVD Box sets
6 - Liverpool FC
7 - Ice cream
8 - unspiritual videos
9 - gym
10 - Cricket
11 - Aircrash Investigation
12 - Nazi Megastructures
13 - Books
14 - Writing
15 - Liver sausage
16 - Cowboy boots
17 - Job
18 - Sex
19 - Meetings
20 - God
That pretty much sums my head up. So when I hear Step 7 read out and that my problem centres in my mind and I suffer from self will and self centred fear I think, 'That's it'. That's the answer.
I feel so good. It makes sense. I feel an ease and comfort and vow to work on my spiritual connection more and connect with my higher power. I walk out with a spring in my step and feel like I have a design for living.
Well, that's until I get back in my car, switch on my phone, check What's App, look at Facebook, check my Twitter account and race back home to put on episode 5 of True Detectives. I'm not even going to go into to the other stuff. That's off limits. But man is it so easy to climb back into self will.
I suppose at least I had some kind of spiritual perception for an hour. Better than nothing right? That's some kind of progress. There are so many layers of self will it's fascinating. I'm now going to retreat back to layer 2. It's when you get to 9 you better start worrying. That usually happens after a week of no meetings. At least I have a few days to go yet then.
Did all you non recovery people follow that blog? Not sure I did either if I'm honest and I've been doing the sodding thing for 13 years.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Day 154 - Turning 42
It was my birthday this week. I was born on 4th September 1972 at 3.30am in Llanelli. I am 42 and officially middle aged. I was the youngest of 3 boys. My mother wanted a girl so badly she pretended I was a girl for the first 2 days of my life. That may explain a lot.
I'm never really that fussed about birthdays. Especially when you get to my age. But I have to admit I never thought I would look or feel like this at 42.
When I was young 42 seemed like a proper grown up. Usually you would be married, have a side parton, be wearing some kind of knitwear, have kids, a job, a pension and be what to the outside world is a mature adult. I'm still waiting on that one.
A guy at a meeting last night was wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that said "I'm pretending to be a responsible adult." Pretty much summed it up for me.
I've never really thought about age until this Birthday. For some reason, having a grown up full time job and lots of other things made me think about where I'm at and what I'm doing. I've never really had a game plan for life, if I'm honest. This year made me think, 'perhaps I should?'
Turning 42 has made me think, "what do I want?" "Where do I want to go?" "Who do I want to be?". It's not a full blown mid life crisis. Hopefully I'll stave that off for another few years. But it definitely got me thinking.
I do feel different. Even from last year, even 40. Definitely from my 30's. This may sound ridiculous but I do feel more mature. Measured. Like I'm gaining more perspective. Dare I say it in some quarters more at ease with myself.
Don't get me wrong I'm still rash, dive into things, act obsessively and set far too much faith in outside things to fill up my head and life, but I can see a glimmer of something else that I simply couldn't before.
I notice where I fuck up or misbehave much quicker now. The trick will be to see it before I do it and act differently. I'm still working on that one.
Someone said to me they thought I had avoided any responsibility over my life because of my childhood and it was about time I took control and got stuck in. (I'm presuming they meant commitment, marriage, kids, building that kind of thing)
It was a bit harsh. We are all different and not everyone has to follow convention. But it did hit a nerve because deep down there has always been an element of fear and rejection that has made me avoid commitment and serious long term situations. My defects have driven me deep down and I'm beginning to see and understand that.
Brutal self honesty is painful, embarrassing but good. It is a process to find the right balance. We cannot tyranise ourselves and claim avoiding responsibility is purely because of self centred fear. It's also a life human decision to want to enjoy yourself and be free. You're a long time dead.
But accepting yourself and your past, your defects and deficiencies is healthy. When we accept our good and bad we no longer have to worry about it so much. Fuck it, life is really too short. Who said we must be perfect anyway? Oh yes, my perfectionism of course.
I got some amazing presents a 42 man should get. A beautiful formal shirt (white cuffs and collars), a watch, some de-hairing products for nose, ears, beard and back (because now I am running into the random hair age), grooming products, a tablet with keyboard for writing, a sex product, a great book, a detective DVD box set, a writing journal and some quality aftershave. How lucky am I? Quality Mans gifts there. What a lucky boy.
The week has been the usual roller coaster of normality and self induced obsessional madness. No change there. All self sabotage of course. I find the most weird and wonderful ways to make myself feel awful. One day it will all be in a book but I just cant share it on a public forum.
My life is pretty busy at the moment. Lots going on so it has been difficult to write but I will try and and keep it up this week. Promise. I know it's not exactly earth shattering material at the moment but just wanted you to know I'm still up for The Inside Job. Hope you are too.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I'm never really that fussed about birthdays. Especially when you get to my age. But I have to admit I never thought I would look or feel like this at 42.
When I was young 42 seemed like a proper grown up. Usually you would be married, have a side parton, be wearing some kind of knitwear, have kids, a job, a pension and be what to the outside world is a mature adult. I'm still waiting on that one.
A guy at a meeting last night was wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that said "I'm pretending to be a responsible adult." Pretty much summed it up for me.
I've never really thought about age until this Birthday. For some reason, having a grown up full time job and lots of other things made me think about where I'm at and what I'm doing. I've never really had a game plan for life, if I'm honest. This year made me think, 'perhaps I should?'
Turning 42 has made me think, "what do I want?" "Where do I want to go?" "Who do I want to be?". It's not a full blown mid life crisis. Hopefully I'll stave that off for another few years. But it definitely got me thinking.
I do feel different. Even from last year, even 40. Definitely from my 30's. This may sound ridiculous but I do feel more mature. Measured. Like I'm gaining more perspective. Dare I say it in some quarters more at ease with myself.
Don't get me wrong I'm still rash, dive into things, act obsessively and set far too much faith in outside things to fill up my head and life, but I can see a glimmer of something else that I simply couldn't before.
I notice where I fuck up or misbehave much quicker now. The trick will be to see it before I do it and act differently. I'm still working on that one.
Someone said to me they thought I had avoided any responsibility over my life because of my childhood and it was about time I took control and got stuck in. (I'm presuming they meant commitment, marriage, kids, building that kind of thing)
It was a bit harsh. We are all different and not everyone has to follow convention. But it did hit a nerve because deep down there has always been an element of fear and rejection that has made me avoid commitment and serious long term situations. My defects have driven me deep down and I'm beginning to see and understand that.
Brutal self honesty is painful, embarrassing but good. It is a process to find the right balance. We cannot tyranise ourselves and claim avoiding responsibility is purely because of self centred fear. It's also a life human decision to want to enjoy yourself and be free. You're a long time dead.
But accepting yourself and your past, your defects and deficiencies is healthy. When we accept our good and bad we no longer have to worry about it so much. Fuck it, life is really too short. Who said we must be perfect anyway? Oh yes, my perfectionism of course.
I got some amazing presents a 42 man should get. A beautiful formal shirt (white cuffs and collars), a watch, some de-hairing products for nose, ears, beard and back (because now I am running into the random hair age), grooming products, a tablet with keyboard for writing, a sex product, a great book, a detective DVD box set, a writing journal and some quality aftershave. How lucky am I? Quality Mans gifts there. What a lucky boy.
The week has been the usual roller coaster of normality and self induced obsessional madness. No change there. All self sabotage of course. I find the most weird and wonderful ways to make myself feel awful. One day it will all be in a book but I just cant share it on a public forum.
My life is pretty busy at the moment. Lots going on so it has been difficult to write but I will try and and keep it up this week. Promise. I know it's not exactly earth shattering material at the moment but just wanted you to know I'm still up for The Inside Job. Hope you are too.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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