Day 4 - The Inside Job - Raw Truth of SHIT FM

OK it's time to lay out some raw truth. I'm grumpy as fuck today. Proper miserable. I know this blog is all about the journey of change and inside job. But I've got to be honest and today I am a right miserable bastard. Why? Well many reasons, some of which are physical, some mental.

It's pissing down. It has rained for days. The sky's are grey. I've put my back out, my neck is hurting from an old injury. I cannot run or exercise and I'm fucked off. I've spent a week eating myself stupid, or effectively drinking through food, so I'm feeling lardy and body dysmorphia tells me I look like Bernard Manning/Dawn French combined as Siamese twins, when I look in the mirror. My chest is wheezing from smoking too much, I stayed up until 4am to watch England get absolutely shit on again in the Ashes and I'm coming down with a bad throat/cold. Today misery is not optional - it's compulsory.

Not the sort of energetic, vibrant positive launch to 2014 I wanted is it? More a flaccid cock type start to the year. I need some Viagra for the soul.

When I'm like this I'm dangerous. Both to myself and others. My character defects really come to the fore when I'm unwell or in physical pain and they go off like a firecracker. The negative alcoholic ego lurks, waiting to drag me into the gloom. Radio Shit Nick FM plays loudly in my head;

Looping the Christmas Number 1# - 'Fat Cunt' - "You haven't been to the gym for 4 days and you've put on 4lbs. You  fat cunt. Oi, fatso we're going to have to get specially widened doors in your house you lardy wanker." .

Or how about the popular hit - 'Loser' - "You can't stop smoking. You're never going to change. This blog is a massive waste of time. Your a loser'

Fuck off Negative Ego. Time to retune Radio Shit Nick FM.

I could feel SHIT FM it coming on yesterday when I could hardly move because of a back spasm. I went to Marianna, the Eastern European Chiropractor with hands the size of shovels. She just laughed at me and took great pleasure  throwing me around, cracking various parts of my body for 20 minutes. It felt like 3 rounds of WWF with the Rock.

It didn't give me any relief. She didn't even give me any hand relief so I was double gloomy. I went home, started to feel the onslaught of Man cold so I retreated to my sofa for the day and got on with the serious business of isolating. That's almost Guaranteed to make you feel worse. SHIT FM was warming up.

I crawled to an AA meeting braving the wind/rain and spread my impending gloom on the poor souls in the meeting. Then I came back home to put in a serious shift of masochism by watching England get mauled by the Aussies in the Ashes. Finally I went to sleep at 4am. Waking at 8.30 this morning.

SHIT FM was right on me. The head was low. Negativity oozing from every pour. I had to Retune and Reframe SHIT FM. It was time to put in some action.

I stretched, got on my foam roller, did my back exercises, meditated, breathed in and out, prayed, had my tea (No cigarette) wrote down 3 things to be grateful for (sobriety, recovery and people in my life) did my daily readings, then I strapped on the waterproofs/Ipod and seeing as I couldn't run, went for a walk by the river whilst chanting loudly to the headphones.

I got some strange looks from people. Fuck them. It was only Isleworth after all. My back was twinging but I really enjoyed the walk. I never walk I always run, so I was able to appreciate the river, the surroundings, my area, the massive houses people seem to live in, how everyone with a nice house seems to box themselves in with a huge fence and gates.

We are rather odd us humans. There are so many of us on the planet yet we fence ourselves in, effectively saying to our fellow man, 'Fuck off'. It looked odd as I walked along these huge houses, chanting to Indian Kirtan's, trying to get connected with my higher spirit and  seeing row upon row of people living in separatism. Perhaps that's what I do when I slip into the gloom?

I got back home, had another cuppa, fixed up a fresh cucumber & carrot juice and went to a meeting. That whole routine took me 2 hours. I was pretty impressed with myself. I didn't have a smoke. I didn't have a diet coke. I did everything I set out to do in an attempt to shift 'the head' and become a 'normal human being'. I tried my best to retune SHIT FM

Did it work? Did it fuck. I rocked up at the meeting, seething in resentment at all the V-neck jumper wankers. I poured myself a lukewarm cup of weak tea from the pot,( can nobody make a strong cup of fucking tea in Kew) I eased myself into the chair, feeling sorry for myself that my back was so sore, washed the soaked rain from my head and tried to tune into this meeting. This medicine for my soul.

I looked around the room and hated everyone. Thinking they were all middle class wankers. I hated the chair as everyone was laughing but didn't want to laugh or enjoy what he was saying. The Secretary shared back to the chair for 12 minutes and I considered kicking over a row of chairs in sheer frustration. I was twitching, My head was screaming - "You cunt, a secretary's job is to open up the meeting and shut up. Stop making it about you!!" - I was nice and serene. (Please don't think I've missed the double irony at this point that by getting angry that someone is sharing for 12 minutes and I'm judging them thinking they're making it about them, is that I'm actually making it about me. So I'm guilty of doing exactly what I'm judging that other bloke I think is doing. I think they call that reflection projection, something that comes so naturally to this little grumpy soldier)

The sharing went on and I tried my best to look for the differences It seems that everyone was sharing about their wife, marriage or semi detached house. It felt like a sit com from the 80's. 'Fucking cunts the lot of them', SHIT FM grumbled.

I shared. Not in an ultra positive way I must admit. But I let out my head, my fears, worries and rendered the room totally silent. Feels good to let it out but it's slightly scary when you feel totally alone, as if nobody else is thinking like you. Perhaps they weren't.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I in the dark here? Am I wallowing in this? I'm confused, frightened, worried, scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel a little overwhelmed. This inside job is a lot to take on. SHIT FM has been tuned in for so long.

But you know what. I know it's not the speaker's fault. It's not the secretary's fault, or anyone at the meeting. It's not the meeting's fault or the people who live in the posh houses. It's not even my fault. It's just the way it is for today. For now. It's easier for me to jump straight to anger, criticism, judgmentalism than it is to change me.

The buck stops with me. I'm the one who has put all the things in my body to cause it to break down. I'm the one that has created my life. I'm the one who has chosen to live in my defects for so long. I'm the one who lives in my skin. I create my reality and I'm man enough to own up to it. It's changing it that is going to be a hell of a journey.

The committee love me to beat myself and give myself a hard time. But you know what, I refuse to today. From right now I accept it's just where I'm at today. It's OK to be like that today.

Fuck me I'm sure an awful lot of people are feeling low or flat or just a little overwhelmed by the New Year or from a festive hangover. It's OK.

I said my truth in this blog. I shared my honesty in the meeting. That's good enough for me and all I ask of others. No matter where they're at. Good or bad.

Today it's a case, 'tell me anything as long as it's the f***g truth'.

The web, Facebook is full of blog posts, articles giving advice on how to be better, what to do, what to cut out, how to think, top 5 tips of this, top ten of that. None of them have said - share your truth. That real gut wrenching inner truth that is hard to get out.

Well I have folks, and you know what it feels fucking good. It's me. Raw me. No shit,. No fat. No padding. Nothing to sell. No tips or packaged self help it's my truth of where I'm at today.

And you know what it will probably be different tomorrow or the day after because everything passes. All I have done is vent the head. Grass up SHIT FM. Take the power out of it. See it for how ridiculous and savage it is. How much it is out to get me.

Now it is 2.31pm and i can get on with my day. Yes I maybe grumpy that I'm in pain, that my back is still fucked and that I cannot do yoga, exercise or fuck like a demon, whatever it is that makes me feel good. But my head is clearer and I'll be less of an arsehole to my girlfriend/world/people today.

The truth really has set me free. This shit works. Now that is what this blog is all about. I'm very happy with that post. I'm not trying to impress. It feels real and right. I hope you did too.

My tip for the day - Tell someone your truth today about something/anything - big or small and let me know what it did for you (obviously don't tell your partner you're sleeping with their best mate if you are cheating. Sometimes too much truth hurts and that's bad right?)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans