Do you notice you are being sold to nearly all the time? Do you even realise that most of what you read is a trick to try and get you to buy something?
Whether it be an inspirational blog, Facebook post, Podcast, TV show or just a random quote. They are mostly part of a campaign to get you to buy something.
Take the self help industry or wellness/health. People do podcasts, blogs, post inspirational quotes for a reason. They want you to read their work and sell you a product, a service or be part of their community so you will tell your friends. Publishers will NOT publish anyone unless they have a large social media following. Do you really think they are posting because they want to help you.
No - everyone is on the take. It's all part of the consumer circle. Create a need and sell more product. It's just the way of the world. I wouldn't mind but most try and cover it up, deny it or worse still consume it without even knowing.
There are certain techniques people use, it's just that some are more subtle and better than others.
YOU MUST READ/WATCH/SEE THIS.....is just one example of a hard sell.
The More subtle ones are;
5 WAYS TO LOSE WEIGHT/GET HAPPY/GET RICH/BE MORE SUCCESSFUL....usually the self help gurus will pick a shortcoming or root of unhappiness and tantalisingly offer the reader an easy to understand way to get out of it.
Then they will condense the text into a short list under really short and to the point headings. Why? Because we're lazy bastards and now merely glance at text. It's not our fault of course, it's because we're being bombarded with shit, plus the art of reading and concentration is rapidly decreasing. But then again you probably didn't read that sentence because it was too long and required to much effort. Anyway, you're only skim reading this over 'I'm a celebrity anyway'. Probably.
Back to the technique;
5 WAYS TO GET HAPPY/BUILD ESTEEMLOSE WEIGHT/ GET RIPPED/SOBER/
1 - BIG HEADER ITEM TO GRAB YOUR ATTENTION - some kind of dynamic statement that will scare you/make you think
2 - SOMETHING YOU CONNECT WITH - make them feel they're on your side
3 - NOW FOR THE BIG HIT - something to eradicate the problem
4 - SCARE THE SHIT - it's number 4 so you've warmed them up, they are ready for the real depth charge by now
5 - LEAVE THEM HANGING - this is the solution but you need to read more, click through or do something to get the full picture
Of course the really clever ones will not sell you anything. Instead they will just post a little, something punchy or enigmatic or challenging. This is teasing you. They will Give you free information in the hope you become a disciple of their GURU words, share it, claim it as your own, own part of their credibility in your own community and become their champion. What happens then? They sell more shit of course. Courtesy of you. Success!! Come on suckers can you not see it.
Facebook is full of inspirational quotes with images of legendary characters next to them. Dumbing down the greatest thinkers of our times into a sound-bite. The one that really winds me up is 'Fitspiration' - don't get me started on those bulbous cunts. Moronic meatheads desperately posting quotes that mean little, encouraging people to push beyond, never give up and achieve your goals. I hate that so much. It really winds me up. They are the worst exponents of this crass sales technique. It's so false, lacking in empathy, human spirit and understanding it makes my steroid enhanced blood boil.
Then finally when you have done the headline, posted the 5 ways to or inspirational quote, you direct people to your book/Podcast/website/services in order to 'build your customer base' so that you can prove your 'audience outreach' for publishers, TV companies or whatever the fuck these fiercely ambitious capitalist cunts are seeking.
Do not be fooled readers you are being sold too. Even when you don't think you are. The next time you hear Band Aid 30 in the shops just remember they are all doing it for their corporate profile and PR value. They are selling to you. Do not be fooled. I'm sure Sir Bob in his 14 room mansion and off shore tax avoidance scheme would take umbrage at that, but next time you read something altruistic and human spirited, dig a little more and see if they have a website, donations policy, service agreement, book to sell or something else commercial. Because if they are you can sure as shit they are trying to earn a pound note out of you first and help you second. Let's get honest.
Its not a bad thing. I am not renouncing it. Fuck me, I want to join them in the future for Gods sake. I just think we should all be aware that's all. Then we can make good decisions about which are the real ones and which ones are not. Lets cut the bullshit and get to the truth.
Rant over
#TWAS
Nicholas E Evans
Monday, November 17, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Day 164 - Glass is mostly half empty but what if it's half full?
"An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity." Sir Winston Churchill
Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? A pessimist or optimist?
Me, I'm a pessimist. Naturally wired to be negative. Either on myself or others. It generally doesn't matter.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a negative 'wo with me piece', because today I'm going to give myself a break from being negative. I've decided, just for today, the glass is half full.
Seeing as my natural default setting to be pessimistic, I'm the sort of guy who if I won the lottery would say, 'but it wasn't the Euro though was it', it's not easy. That's not to say it's impossible. If you don't try you don't get.
A guy from AA (whom I resented by the way, naturally) used to go on about negative people always using the four C's. "They condemn, contrast, criticise and condone." Personally I always thought he missed a C when talking about himself, but that's just my resentful head.
I get his point though. When you are wired to be judgmental, critical and negative. It takes a lot to let light in. Making up your mind about people and situations based upon your negativity is close minded. If it's as naturally to you as blinking or breathing, it takes a massive effort to change the way you are. I'm sure most people will identify how hard it is to do what isn't natural for you.
Negativity is a safety valve. If something goes wrong you can absolve any responsibility by saying, 'I told you so'. Same with self hatred, if you are constantly down on yourself it can perpetuate those comfortable feelings of less than and separate you from the world.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of negativity. The feelings of self pity and low self esteem are never far away. When mixed with a constant negative inner commentary and an enormous ego then the gloves are off. Using (through substances or behaviour) just perpetuates that myth and feeling of 'done it again you idiot'. That's why it's such a lonely, secretive and annoying for others disease. People who don't have it just feel frustrated and annoyed with the addict as ultimately it's really selfish, self absorbed and negative.
It's as much egotistical to think you are a piece of shit as you are the dogs bollocks. Either way you are letting your ego run the show. I do it much of the time, usually without realising.
So, today. I was in a meeting, after meditating for 10 minutes this morning. I've had a busy week. A hard week. Work has been tough. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed and in some parts out of my depth. Then when my head gets like that all other areas of my life begin to feel shit stained. Problems are magnified and I turn it in on myself. This of course, leads to a change in behaviour. Snappy, intolerant, hurried. You lose the sight of life very quickly.
You get to the point, as I did last night, when you are trying to get to you 8pm meeting in Richmond where you have a commitment. Late from work, busy day, pissing rain, gloomy head, packed commute, running late.
Then at Clapham Junction the conductor announces over the tannoy:
"all trains to Richmond terminate here because of a fatality on the line at St Margarets."
"Fuckkkkkkk!!!!!" Selfish bastard!!!!
Cue massive sigh from the packed coach. Not in sympathy at the poor bastard that died but the inconvenience to their commute. Such is the life of a Londoner. You can truly consider yourself one when your reaction is one of pure anger than compassion.
My reaction was the same. I didn't think of the guy who died. Of his family. Of the value of human life. Of the futility of being busy and needing to get somewhere. I didn't stop to think of humanity, just my own massive importance. I'm not a fan of this way of being and i saw it this morning.
The reality is of course none of us are that significant. People die, we get sad and the world still turns. It's harsh but that's the way it is.
I spend so much time putting myself down in my head. This week without any order or details. I have thought I'm not good enough, I'm not a real man, I'm out of my depth, I'll never amount to much, I'll never be a success, I'm not as good as him or her and so it went on. The internal commentary of doom.
Then of course castigating myself for being judgmental or spikey. Left in my own head this shit is poison. The only answer is to get out of your head. This is where substances become so appealing.
If I focus on what I don't have or what's bad, it gets worse. You can see no joy. There is no gratitude. Life becomes grey and treacle.
So what was the answer?
Went to a couple of meetings, shared the poison in my head, meditated, listened to others and read. I came to the conclusion this morning that fuck it. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of being negative to me. What purpose does it serve?
The outcome of something will be exactly the same no matter if I project negative or positive. It will still happen. The world will still turn it's my attitude to it that makes it turn just that little bit brighter.
If I project negative externally and internally then bad things will happen. We make our own life depending on our attitude, so says the law of attraction. i used to think that was shit, that the cooler people were the negative ones, I'm starting to doubt that theory now. Perhaps I'm becoming more open minded in middle age.
So what if I'm odd, spikey, have a weird head. So what if I don't own my own house, have zillions in the bank and not pulling in 1.2million followers like Russell Brand (that's another trait of the negative, extreme jealousy, resentment but ultimate sloth to do something yourself just criticise others it's much easier)
I'm going to relax and do something I haven't for ages. Take a day off from my head and enjoy what happens no matter what. I'm going to have fun!
I'm off for a run now around Richmond park. The suns out, my back feels OK and life is sweet. Just for today.
Nicholas E Evans
xx
Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? A pessimist or optimist?
Me, I'm a pessimist. Naturally wired to be negative. Either on myself or others. It generally doesn't matter.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a negative 'wo with me piece', because today I'm going to give myself a break from being negative. I've decided, just for today, the glass is half full.
Seeing as my natural default setting to be pessimistic, I'm the sort of guy who if I won the lottery would say, 'but it wasn't the Euro though was it', it's not easy. That's not to say it's impossible. If you don't try you don't get.
A guy from AA (whom I resented by the way, naturally) used to go on about negative people always using the four C's. "They condemn, contrast, criticise and condone." Personally I always thought he missed a C when talking about himself, but that's just my resentful head.
I get his point though. When you are wired to be judgmental, critical and negative. It takes a lot to let light in. Making up your mind about people and situations based upon your negativity is close minded. If it's as naturally to you as blinking or breathing, it takes a massive effort to change the way you are. I'm sure most people will identify how hard it is to do what isn't natural for you.
Negativity is a safety valve. If something goes wrong you can absolve any responsibility by saying, 'I told you so'. Same with self hatred, if you are constantly down on yourself it can perpetuate those comfortable feelings of less than and separate you from the world.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of negativity. The feelings of self pity and low self esteem are never far away. When mixed with a constant negative inner commentary and an enormous ego then the gloves are off. Using (through substances or behaviour) just perpetuates that myth and feeling of 'done it again you idiot'. That's why it's such a lonely, secretive and annoying for others disease. People who don't have it just feel frustrated and annoyed with the addict as ultimately it's really selfish, self absorbed and negative.
It's as much egotistical to think you are a piece of shit as you are the dogs bollocks. Either way you are letting your ego run the show. I do it much of the time, usually without realising.
So, today. I was in a meeting, after meditating for 10 minutes this morning. I've had a busy week. A hard week. Work has been tough. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed and in some parts out of my depth. Then when my head gets like that all other areas of my life begin to feel shit stained. Problems are magnified and I turn it in on myself. This of course, leads to a change in behaviour. Snappy, intolerant, hurried. You lose the sight of life very quickly.
You get to the point, as I did last night, when you are trying to get to you 8pm meeting in Richmond where you have a commitment. Late from work, busy day, pissing rain, gloomy head, packed commute, running late.
Then at Clapham Junction the conductor announces over the tannoy:
"all trains to Richmond terminate here because of a fatality on the line at St Margarets."
"Fuckkkkkkk!!!!!" Selfish bastard!!!!
Cue massive sigh from the packed coach. Not in sympathy at the poor bastard that died but the inconvenience to their commute. Such is the life of a Londoner. You can truly consider yourself one when your reaction is one of pure anger than compassion.
My reaction was the same. I didn't think of the guy who died. Of his family. Of the value of human life. Of the futility of being busy and needing to get somewhere. I didn't stop to think of humanity, just my own massive importance. I'm not a fan of this way of being and i saw it this morning.
The reality is of course none of us are that significant. People die, we get sad and the world still turns. It's harsh but that's the way it is.
I spend so much time putting myself down in my head. This week without any order or details. I have thought I'm not good enough, I'm not a real man, I'm out of my depth, I'll never amount to much, I'll never be a success, I'm not as good as him or her and so it went on. The internal commentary of doom.
Then of course castigating myself for being judgmental or spikey. Left in my own head this shit is poison. The only answer is to get out of your head. This is where substances become so appealing.
If I focus on what I don't have or what's bad, it gets worse. You can see no joy. There is no gratitude. Life becomes grey and treacle.
So what was the answer?
Went to a couple of meetings, shared the poison in my head, meditated, listened to others and read. I came to the conclusion this morning that fuck it. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of being negative to me. What purpose does it serve?
The outcome of something will be exactly the same no matter if I project negative or positive. It will still happen. The world will still turn it's my attitude to it that makes it turn just that little bit brighter.
If I project negative externally and internally then bad things will happen. We make our own life depending on our attitude, so says the law of attraction. i used to think that was shit, that the cooler people were the negative ones, I'm starting to doubt that theory now. Perhaps I'm becoming more open minded in middle age.
So what if I'm odd, spikey, have a weird head. So what if I don't own my own house, have zillions in the bank and not pulling in 1.2million followers like Russell Brand (that's another trait of the negative, extreme jealousy, resentment but ultimate sloth to do something yourself just criticise others it's much easier)
I'm going to relax and do something I haven't for ages. Take a day off from my head and enjoy what happens no matter what. I'm going to have fun!
I'm off for a run now around Richmond park. The suns out, my back feels OK and life is sweet. Just for today.
Nicholas E Evans
xx
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Day 163 - Heston Blumenthal Sparks Wild Frenzy in Barnes Pub - The Human Zoo
We live in peculiar celebrity obsessed times. The Human Zoo.
A whole cottage industry of magazines, newspapers, media channels and TV shows have been created purely for 'celebrity culture'. The cult of celebrity has never been higher. I witnessed this at first hand yesterday.
It's not a new thing of course. Even as far back as the 50's, perhaps even earlier, you've always had entertainers to entertain the masses. Musicians, actors, comedians, creative types create entertainment for 'normal' people to take them out of their daily 'normal' existence. This this has helped create 'fans', which particularly took off in the 60's when Pop music became hugely popular.
It's been growing ever since, and as the media and digital TV and entertainment channels have increased. Satellite TV, more channels, increased magazines, media, social media etc - so has the creation and consumption of entertainment.
To be a celebrity is to be someone. Like a badge of honour. Feted Talked about. Dissected. Admired. Reviled. But always noticed. Of course in modern self obsessed 'look at me' times of the selfie and reality TV being a celebrity is the ultimate approval in 'look at me, I'm important'. Even so called 'stars' will have a team of publicists working on their image and media placing, in order to get maximum exposure. Nothing seems natural anymore.
In the old days you became a 'celebrity' or star because you had talent, were really good at something or had something to offer. It was essentially based on talent. As times have changed and the media and tastes have changed the net has widened. There are now different categories of celebrities - some highly talented, others 'd-listers' who are dumb fucks, but struck lucky because of reality TV. (and are desperate)
What I find nauseating is the sense of entitlement and arrogance that come with 'being someone'. I've seen up close the arrogance displayed by so called 'celebrities' because they are special and different and better than 'normal' people. The superiority thing really gets on my tits.
Having said that I have met some proper A-Listers who are as good as Gold. And to be fair I wouldn't mind it if they were proper arrogant cunts. They are proper A-listers and I would kind of expect that. But most I have met are proper good people, so I am not tarring everyone with the same brush. It's the B,C,D and Z listers with a superiority complex that wind me up.
Having said that. The consumers of this endless celebrity drivel get right on my tits too. The 'public'. Everyone who buys heat Magazine (or similar), watches reality TV, X factor or consumes any celebrity lifestyle media creation is all part of the same cycle and call all fuck off. (Granted I may have just lost 90% of my readers here)
My life is dull, there-fore I will watch, read, consume other people in order to look at, judge, criticise, have something to talk about- thus placing them (the celebrity culture) up there and me (normal people) down there. We are better than that!!!
We, are as much to blame, if not more so because we are the ones that consume the mindless shit. If nobody watched X factor there wouldn't be advertisers to fund the programme and it wouldn't get made. If it wasn't made, there wouldn't be winners every year who then appear on magazines for 5 minutes, become part of the 'celeb' merry go round and then get spat out the other end ready for the next one to replace them. It's so fucking dull and annoying and we have to take our share of the blame. Lets get off it. Stop watching this shit!
Do not engage with banal shit. You are then as much part of the mechanism as anyone else. Rise above it people! Don't watch the X factor or be part of Brand's revolution. He's as much part of it trying to sell books, fund tours and earn a pound note by being 'anti-establishment' - oh really?
If someone is earning then there is a motive. Simple.
So what sparked this rant? I was in a pub in Barnes last night, having a nice chilled late Saturday afternoon nosh up and drinks. It's a top little pub, The Sun Inn, Barnes Pond. It was busy, people were sat around having drinks, eating. Couples, groups of friends. Classic Saturday tea-time social time.
England had played that afternoon so South West London and particularly Richmond/Twickenham/Barnes is choca-bloc full of middle aged, middle class men in courdroy/Barbour jackets/ill fitting replica Rugby jersey's on the piss. Like a mass Dad convention sponsored by The Daily Telegraph. It is horrific.
So we're in the pub and Heston Blumenthal, Jack Whitehall, Austin Healey and a group of friends walk in. Talk about an odd combination. Plus the pub reacted like Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and John Lennon had risen from the dead and walked in. Fuck me, it was insane. People reacted like Jesus had walked in.
They sat at a table next to us and started to sink a few beers and have a laugh. A Group of friends just having post Rugby banter together. It just happened that one of them was the owner and creator of one of the best restaurants in the world and a 'celeb chef', (though in my opinion the Ringers which was the pub before he took it over and called it the Fat Duck Inn, as me and my mates used to go there after school and drink Snake Bite & Black and get mullered before Heston bought it and turned it into a 3 Michelin star restaurant. Bastard. It will always be the Ringers in my eyes, hey Bray posy?) one was a comedian of exceptional talent if not a little annoying and another guy was good at throwing a oval shaped ball about and is on TV as a pundit. A peculiar combination indeed.
The table next door of girls got out their phones and kept looking over. People from other areas of the pub came over to stare. Because we were sat near them it was unnerving, we were in the eye-line and I got really fucked off.
What is wrong with people. OK, a quick glance up and 'fuck me its that chef, comedian and bloke who looks vaguely familiar', tell your mates have a look over and then get on with your own conversation. But to stare, come up, take pics, tweet it, Facebook it and make it THE central part of your experience for 2 hours. Are we that fascinated by celebrities lives that they become talking points of our own?
And that was it right there for me. That encapsulated the modern celeb machine, they were centre of most people's attention in the pub. I understood it there and then. In real life. The 'celeb' table were just having a good time. Yet they became stars of the human zoo as a lot (not all) of the pub became the audience and consumers. And thus created the hierarchy - them up there. us down there. They were the TV show, or magazine, or book and we were the consumers because we were fascinated. People annoyed me.
So my anger is not against the 'celebs' but the consumers of them. By the pub. By the 'public'. By the starers, the gawpers, the table next door endlessly looking, taking photos, talking about them. By us!
But why was I so annoyed? Why get angry? Why rant and write about it? What is behind that anger Nicholas?
Well, it's clear isn't it. Clear as day.
Because they weren't looking at me!!! The cunts were ignoring me and looking at the Chef. This self obsessed, arrogant, egotistical, look at me ego maniac alcoholic has been that never was, was bin the shadow of others. I never react well to that. My ego takes over and doesn't allow it.
Others in my vicinity were getting far more attention than me. My ego hated it. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be looked at, talked about, photo'd. My ego demands that. To be above, superior. Centre of attention.
My ego was jealous. And what happens when it gets jealous. It gets angry of course.
That I suspect is the brutal truth. Granted some people are morons and consume this cultural shit, but I have to own up to my part and when people were looking over towards me yesterday, they were not looking at me, they were looking OVER me to the chef, comedian and vaguely familiar looking bloke who used to play Rugby.
It's not that I'm jealous or have a deep rooted sense of entitlement myself. Oh hang on wait. it is and I do. Jesus, good job I'm not one. Could you imagine? I'd be a nightmare.
Nicholas E Evans
A whole cottage industry of magazines, newspapers, media channels and TV shows have been created purely for 'celebrity culture'. The cult of celebrity has never been higher. I witnessed this at first hand yesterday.
It's not a new thing of course. Even as far back as the 50's, perhaps even earlier, you've always had entertainers to entertain the masses. Musicians, actors, comedians, creative types create entertainment for 'normal' people to take them out of their daily 'normal' existence. This this has helped create 'fans', which particularly took off in the 60's when Pop music became hugely popular.
It's been growing ever since, and as the media and digital TV and entertainment channels have increased. Satellite TV, more channels, increased magazines, media, social media etc - so has the creation and consumption of entertainment.
To be a celebrity is to be someone. Like a badge of honour. Feted Talked about. Dissected. Admired. Reviled. But always noticed. Of course in modern self obsessed 'look at me' times of the selfie and reality TV being a celebrity is the ultimate approval in 'look at me, I'm important'. Even so called 'stars' will have a team of publicists working on their image and media placing, in order to get maximum exposure. Nothing seems natural anymore.
In the old days you became a 'celebrity' or star because you had talent, were really good at something or had something to offer. It was essentially based on talent. As times have changed and the media and tastes have changed the net has widened. There are now different categories of celebrities - some highly talented, others 'd-listers' who are dumb fucks, but struck lucky because of reality TV. (and are desperate)
What I find nauseating is the sense of entitlement and arrogance that come with 'being someone'. I've seen up close the arrogance displayed by so called 'celebrities' because they are special and different and better than 'normal' people. The superiority thing really gets on my tits.
Having said that I have met some proper A-Listers who are as good as Gold. And to be fair I wouldn't mind it if they were proper arrogant cunts. They are proper A-listers and I would kind of expect that. But most I have met are proper good people, so I am not tarring everyone with the same brush. It's the B,C,D and Z listers with a superiority complex that wind me up.
Having said that. The consumers of this endless celebrity drivel get right on my tits too. The 'public'. Everyone who buys heat Magazine (or similar), watches reality TV, X factor or consumes any celebrity lifestyle media creation is all part of the same cycle and call all fuck off. (Granted I may have just lost 90% of my readers here)
My life is dull, there-fore I will watch, read, consume other people in order to look at, judge, criticise, have something to talk about- thus placing them (the celebrity culture) up there and me (normal people) down there. We are better than that!!!
We, are as much to blame, if not more so because we are the ones that consume the mindless shit. If nobody watched X factor there wouldn't be advertisers to fund the programme and it wouldn't get made. If it wasn't made, there wouldn't be winners every year who then appear on magazines for 5 minutes, become part of the 'celeb' merry go round and then get spat out the other end ready for the next one to replace them. It's so fucking dull and annoying and we have to take our share of the blame. Lets get off it. Stop watching this shit!
Do not engage with banal shit. You are then as much part of the mechanism as anyone else. Rise above it people! Don't watch the X factor or be part of Brand's revolution. He's as much part of it trying to sell books, fund tours and earn a pound note by being 'anti-establishment' - oh really?
If someone is earning then there is a motive. Simple.
So what sparked this rant? I was in a pub in Barnes last night, having a nice chilled late Saturday afternoon nosh up and drinks. It's a top little pub, The Sun Inn, Barnes Pond. It was busy, people were sat around having drinks, eating. Couples, groups of friends. Classic Saturday tea-time social time.
England had played that afternoon so South West London and particularly Richmond/Twickenham/Barnes is choca-bloc full of middle aged, middle class men in courdroy/Barbour jackets/ill fitting replica Rugby jersey's on the piss. Like a mass Dad convention sponsored by The Daily Telegraph. It is horrific.
So we're in the pub and Heston Blumenthal, Jack Whitehall, Austin Healey and a group of friends walk in. Talk about an odd combination. Plus the pub reacted like Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and John Lennon had risen from the dead and walked in. Fuck me, it was insane. People reacted like Jesus had walked in.
They sat at a table next to us and started to sink a few beers and have a laugh. A Group of friends just having post Rugby banter together. It just happened that one of them was the owner and creator of one of the best restaurants in the world and a 'celeb chef', (though in my opinion the Ringers which was the pub before he took it over and called it the Fat Duck Inn, as me and my mates used to go there after school and drink Snake Bite & Black and get mullered before Heston bought it and turned it into a 3 Michelin star restaurant. Bastard. It will always be the Ringers in my eyes, hey Bray posy?) one was a comedian of exceptional talent if not a little annoying and another guy was good at throwing a oval shaped ball about and is on TV as a pundit. A peculiar combination indeed.
The table next door of girls got out their phones and kept looking over. People from other areas of the pub came over to stare. Because we were sat near them it was unnerving, we were in the eye-line and I got really fucked off.
What is wrong with people. OK, a quick glance up and 'fuck me its that chef, comedian and bloke who looks vaguely familiar', tell your mates have a look over and then get on with your own conversation. But to stare, come up, take pics, tweet it, Facebook it and make it THE central part of your experience for 2 hours. Are we that fascinated by celebrities lives that they become talking points of our own?
And that was it right there for me. That encapsulated the modern celeb machine, they were centre of most people's attention in the pub. I understood it there and then. In real life. The 'celeb' table were just having a good time. Yet they became stars of the human zoo as a lot (not all) of the pub became the audience and consumers. And thus created the hierarchy - them up there. us down there. They were the TV show, or magazine, or book and we were the consumers because we were fascinated. People annoyed me.
So my anger is not against the 'celebs' but the consumers of them. By the pub. By the 'public'. By the starers, the gawpers, the table next door endlessly looking, taking photos, talking about them. By us!
But why was I so annoyed? Why get angry? Why rant and write about it? What is behind that anger Nicholas?
Well, it's clear isn't it. Clear as day.
Because they weren't looking at me!!! The cunts were ignoring me and looking at the Chef. This self obsessed, arrogant, egotistical, look at me ego maniac alcoholic has been that never was, was bin the shadow of others. I never react well to that. My ego takes over and doesn't allow it.
Others in my vicinity were getting far more attention than me. My ego hated it. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be looked at, talked about, photo'd. My ego demands that. To be above, superior. Centre of attention.
My ego was jealous. And what happens when it gets jealous. It gets angry of course.
That I suspect is the brutal truth. Granted some people are morons and consume this cultural shit, but I have to own up to my part and when people were looking over towards me yesterday, they were not looking at me, they were looking OVER me to the chef, comedian and vaguely familiar looking bloke who used to play Rugby.
It's not that I'm jealous or have a deep rooted sense of entitlement myself. Oh hang on wait. it is and I do. Jesus, good job I'm not one. Could you imagine? I'd be a nightmare.
Nicholas E Evans
Friday, November 7, 2014
Day 162 - So where's my reward at the end of the week?
It's Friday night. It's 11pm. I'm just home from my fabulous home group in Richmond, straight from work. It's been a full on week. Ultra busy, long hours, a little bit stressful. I'm tired. Really tired. Where's my reward for being good?
Alcoholics are renowned for wanting a pat on the head just to do the simplest things. I am constantly disappointed when the train carriage doesn't break into spontaneous applause just for me doing a full day's work. Heroic!
Getting a grown up job requires grown up responsibilities. It's mentally taxing being answerable and responsible. The pressure is on. Mix that with the daily commute, the relentless bustle and strain of London and you have yourself a hectic week. Hooray for Friday.
I don't know if you get this feeling after a full on week but I've got the, "where's my reward for a hard week a work?" syndrome.
You know the one. Where you want to cut loose. Break out of the week's serious focused toil. Friday night is perfect night to blow your socks off and get out of real life. I want a reward!
For some it's a night on the sofa, feet up, curled up, glass of wine, Chinese take-away, Graham Norton on the box (sadly not the electric chair). Some do the gym, others (like me) a meeting or some tear the arse out of the night on thrills and pills and Magners. Some like to spend the night trussed up in a bondage club or chasing women around London.
me? I'm sat in with some corned beef and pickle and a cup of tea. Where did it all go wrong?
I've always subscribed to work hard, play hard. But when you're a recovering alcoholic, a meeting is always a good release to 'get out of your head', but sometimes when you've had a stressful time, it just doesn't cut it and you want to blast off and cut loose. That's how I'm feeling tonight.
I want a reward for being good all week and I want to 'get out of my head'. It's not too abnormal, God knows most people are out and about in one way or other tonight getting on it.
I rarely feel this way, it's not like I'm craving a drink or drug. I'm not pissed off, unhappy or disturbed. It's just I've had a full on week and I want to let off steam.
Trouble is the closest I'm going to get to that is Series 1 of Kalifornication. Someone suggested I watch it. Apparently it's about a sex addicted writer. Think they're trying to tell me something?
Still, it may make me feel better. After all, staying in on a Friday watching a DVD box set means I cannot be a sex addict. Mind you if I abandon it at 3am to go to 'Rio's' I may have to revisit that statement.
I will be in bed soon being massively rock and roll with a cup of tea and pack of Kleenex. My reward for a hard week at work tonight? Well it's writing to you of course. That and some buttered meat, 2 cups of tea and a tip top meeting. It's OK to want things. Best to express than act out in my book. It's not a bad old life really, I've just got to convince myself the whole world isn't out tonight on a Friday night having the best time ever. Some are staying in watching Graham Norton. See, that makes me feel better already.
Have a good weekend.
Nicholas E Evans
Alcoholics are renowned for wanting a pat on the head just to do the simplest things. I am constantly disappointed when the train carriage doesn't break into spontaneous applause just for me doing a full day's work. Heroic!
Getting a grown up job requires grown up responsibilities. It's mentally taxing being answerable and responsible. The pressure is on. Mix that with the daily commute, the relentless bustle and strain of London and you have yourself a hectic week. Hooray for Friday.
I don't know if you get this feeling after a full on week but I've got the, "where's my reward for a hard week a work?" syndrome.
You know the one. Where you want to cut loose. Break out of the week's serious focused toil. Friday night is perfect night to blow your socks off and get out of real life. I want a reward!
For some it's a night on the sofa, feet up, curled up, glass of wine, Chinese take-away, Graham Norton on the box (sadly not the electric chair). Some do the gym, others (like me) a meeting or some tear the arse out of the night on thrills and pills and Magners. Some like to spend the night trussed up in a bondage club or chasing women around London.
me? I'm sat in with some corned beef and pickle and a cup of tea. Where did it all go wrong?
I've always subscribed to work hard, play hard. But when you're a recovering alcoholic, a meeting is always a good release to 'get out of your head', but sometimes when you've had a stressful time, it just doesn't cut it and you want to blast off and cut loose. That's how I'm feeling tonight.
I want a reward for being good all week and I want to 'get out of my head'. It's not too abnormal, God knows most people are out and about in one way or other tonight getting on it.
I rarely feel this way, it's not like I'm craving a drink or drug. I'm not pissed off, unhappy or disturbed. It's just I've had a full on week and I want to let off steam.
Trouble is the closest I'm going to get to that is Series 1 of Kalifornication. Someone suggested I watch it. Apparently it's about a sex addicted writer. Think they're trying to tell me something?
Still, it may make me feel better. After all, staying in on a Friday watching a DVD box set means I cannot be a sex addict. Mind you if I abandon it at 3am to go to 'Rio's' I may have to revisit that statement.
I will be in bed soon being massively rock and roll with a cup of tea and pack of Kleenex. My reward for a hard week at work tonight? Well it's writing to you of course. That and some buttered meat, 2 cups of tea and a tip top meeting. It's OK to want things. Best to express than act out in my book. It's not a bad old life really, I've just got to convince myself the whole world isn't out tonight on a Friday night having the best time ever. Some are staying in watching Graham Norton. See, that makes me feel better already.
Have a good weekend.
Nicholas E Evans
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Day 161 - I Love a Good Resentment me....
Resentment is the Number 1 offender. So says all AA literature.
So why is that, even though I have been going for 13 years, that I haven't taken a drink in all that time, that I've sat through 1000's of meetings, read the steps, the programme, pray, write endless gratitude lists and help an occasional newcomer, do I consistently return back to resentment?
I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. It simply feels too natural. Perhaps I am addicted to resentment and anger. Of course justifiable anger is the best. Man that tastes good. You know the one, when someone really has done harm to you, no matter how small? Boy, do us alcoholics love to sharpen that one and cultivate a sense of wounded pride. That's fertile breeding ground for bile and hatred. tastes sweet for a bit and ultra painful in the long run.
The self pity, sense of injustice, wounded pride, jilted ego all collide to make a perfect storm of resentment and rage. Unchecked this can turn into a cluster fuck of hatred and bile. Like an angry drone strike. Peppering everyone and everything in your wake.
It can poison everything. Sure, when you've got a few years sobriety in the tank you can keep a lid on it and still perform and function reasonably normally. Turn up for work, speak to people on the phone, pretend nothing is wrong. But all the time it is ticking inside you like a slow bomb. Ready to be detonated at the right time.
Resentment and justifiable anger are truly dangerous beasts.
I simply can't let them go sometimes. It's like an addiction. Feeding off them. Feeling the energy and adrenaline that flows. Anger is an emotion and an addictive one at that. If you walk around this planet not only wanting to be right but for everyone to recognise it, it becomes a really difficult place to be.
I've been there for the past few days.
The main one was against the girl I've been seeing. Then not seeing. Then seeing. Then not seeing. Off and on more times than the covers at Wimbledon. Exhausting.
On this occasion though I was DEFINATELY right. Well within my rights to be fucked off and angry. Or so I thought. And so I sat in it for a number of days.
Then of course this anger and resentment starts to attract other minor ones. People at work, home life, living situation, the daily commute, habits, meetings, AA. Pretty much everything becomes slightly turd coloured and annoying. Before you know it you have turned into one miserable bastard who desperately searches for that magic phrase, "you're right Nick. We're so sorry."
Why the hell is that so important? Is the lack of self so vast the ego needs boosting to be seen as right. Ridiculous.
This situation tends to happen when one is low on meetings and full of self. This tends to cause problems. If your spiritual programme is out of the window, you are locked in ego and self. Lets face it when in that state pretty much everything is going to piss you off.
I create my own life. I choose it. I choose the people. And if I choose annoying ones it's obviously for a reason. There are clearly lessons to learn, but my natural state is to shout, scream, complain, holler, demand they change, demand they recognise and then get royally fucked off when they don't. Rather than learn. Genius!
Eventually what tends to happen after a few days, the red mist clears and I am left with a semblance of calm, Then pray like mad I haven't caused too much carnage in my wake, and try and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
That's not to say I'm to blame for everything. To think that is another form of egoic pride. The piece of shit at the centre of the universe syndrome is an unhealthy one. Not everything is my fault. Some people are flawed. Some are downright difficult bastards.
We can't get it right all the time can we? As AA teaches us (which by the way I forget everyday) There is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Easy to say, I wonder how much good is in the double murder dude in Hong Kong. No doubt he was off his tits on some kind of chemicals doing that grisly deed.
Anyway I digress. The point I'm coming to is that tonight I am no longer in anger or resentment. It has passed thank God and the world is a level playing field once again. That's not to say it hasn't got it's problems. Life tends to provide those on a rather frustratingly regular basis.
But just for today I am a lucky boy. I am warm, I have a roof over my head. I haven't got 6 kids to stress about, I have a decent job, the steroid injections in my back appear to have worked and I'm pain free for the first time in 18 months. Result. I even did the late night Gym session and got to look at myself in the mirror for longer than is healthy. #Selfobsession.
I'm back on track. I even got those immortal words tonight, 'I'm sorry Nick'. Remarkable. And you know what is remarkable? I said 'I'm sorry' too, and actually meant it with heart. The trick, wise men, as I so often write, is to learn and eradicate said behaviours. That one I'm still learning.
In fact, if I was a betting man I'd lay a tenner on pretty short odds I'll be writing something similar in the not too distant future. I never said I was wise yet did I?
Keep on rocking in the not so free world readers. And make sure if you do get in to anger and resentment you don't pray or ask God to relieve it immediately. Stay in it for a good few days until you want to punch people on the train, quit your job, break up from your bird and move to Goa.
Yes, if you follow my way of living, you too can reach such spiritual heights at 13 years sober.
Love you all
Nicholas E Evans
So why is that, even though I have been going for 13 years, that I haven't taken a drink in all that time, that I've sat through 1000's of meetings, read the steps, the programme, pray, write endless gratitude lists and help an occasional newcomer, do I consistently return back to resentment?
I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. It simply feels too natural. Perhaps I am addicted to resentment and anger. Of course justifiable anger is the best. Man that tastes good. You know the one, when someone really has done harm to you, no matter how small? Boy, do us alcoholics love to sharpen that one and cultivate a sense of wounded pride. That's fertile breeding ground for bile and hatred. tastes sweet for a bit and ultra painful in the long run.
The self pity, sense of injustice, wounded pride, jilted ego all collide to make a perfect storm of resentment and rage. Unchecked this can turn into a cluster fuck of hatred and bile. Like an angry drone strike. Peppering everyone and everything in your wake.
It can poison everything. Sure, when you've got a few years sobriety in the tank you can keep a lid on it and still perform and function reasonably normally. Turn up for work, speak to people on the phone, pretend nothing is wrong. But all the time it is ticking inside you like a slow bomb. Ready to be detonated at the right time.
Resentment and justifiable anger are truly dangerous beasts.
I simply can't let them go sometimes. It's like an addiction. Feeding off them. Feeling the energy and adrenaline that flows. Anger is an emotion and an addictive one at that. If you walk around this planet not only wanting to be right but for everyone to recognise it, it becomes a really difficult place to be.
I've been there for the past few days.
The main one was against the girl I've been seeing. Then not seeing. Then seeing. Then not seeing. Off and on more times than the covers at Wimbledon. Exhausting.
On this occasion though I was DEFINATELY right. Well within my rights to be fucked off and angry. Or so I thought. And so I sat in it for a number of days.
Then of course this anger and resentment starts to attract other minor ones. People at work, home life, living situation, the daily commute, habits, meetings, AA. Pretty much everything becomes slightly turd coloured and annoying. Before you know it you have turned into one miserable bastard who desperately searches for that magic phrase, "you're right Nick. We're so sorry."
Why the hell is that so important? Is the lack of self so vast the ego needs boosting to be seen as right. Ridiculous.
This situation tends to happen when one is low on meetings and full of self. This tends to cause problems. If your spiritual programme is out of the window, you are locked in ego and self. Lets face it when in that state pretty much everything is going to piss you off.
I create my own life. I choose it. I choose the people. And if I choose annoying ones it's obviously for a reason. There are clearly lessons to learn, but my natural state is to shout, scream, complain, holler, demand they change, demand they recognise and then get royally fucked off when they don't. Rather than learn. Genius!
Eventually what tends to happen after a few days, the red mist clears and I am left with a semblance of calm, Then pray like mad I haven't caused too much carnage in my wake, and try and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
That's not to say I'm to blame for everything. To think that is another form of egoic pride. The piece of shit at the centre of the universe syndrome is an unhealthy one. Not everything is my fault. Some people are flawed. Some are downright difficult bastards.
We can't get it right all the time can we? As AA teaches us (which by the way I forget everyday) There is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Easy to say, I wonder how much good is in the double murder dude in Hong Kong. No doubt he was off his tits on some kind of chemicals doing that grisly deed.
Anyway I digress. The point I'm coming to is that tonight I am no longer in anger or resentment. It has passed thank God and the world is a level playing field once again. That's not to say it hasn't got it's problems. Life tends to provide those on a rather frustratingly regular basis.
But just for today I am a lucky boy. I am warm, I have a roof over my head. I haven't got 6 kids to stress about, I have a decent job, the steroid injections in my back appear to have worked and I'm pain free for the first time in 18 months. Result. I even did the late night Gym session and got to look at myself in the mirror for longer than is healthy. #Selfobsession.
I'm back on track. I even got those immortal words tonight, 'I'm sorry Nick'. Remarkable. And you know what is remarkable? I said 'I'm sorry' too, and actually meant it with heart. The trick, wise men, as I so often write, is to learn and eradicate said behaviours. That one I'm still learning.
In fact, if I was a betting man I'd lay a tenner on pretty short odds I'll be writing something similar in the not too distant future. I never said I was wise yet did I?
Keep on rocking in the not so free world readers. And make sure if you do get in to anger and resentment you don't pray or ask God to relieve it immediately. Stay in it for a good few days until you want to punch people on the train, quit your job, break up from your bird and move to Goa.
Yes, if you follow my way of living, you too can reach such spiritual heights at 13 years sober.
Love you all
Nicholas E Evans
Monday, November 3, 2014
Day 160 - Checking In........A Quicky
23.51pm. Monday. Busy day. Tired. Up early tomorrow for more of the same. Can't be arsed to write. So I'm writing.
Dull, slow day. Couldn't get going. Not inspired and quiet rumblings of being overwhelmed.
When I feel like this what do I do? Do I role my sleeves up and get stuck in? No of course not, I want to constantly distract, put off, procrastinate and do other more pleasurable pastimes. Like smoke and text. Tragic really.
I didn't of course, I lasted the day but couldn't work it out. I felt pretty fresh and chirpy this morning but sometimes when I enter an office it drains my spirit, creativity and productivity. I must arrest this immediately. I'll put it down to Monday Blues.
I had a top weekend. It was Man Club Weekender Number 3. 4 old school friends, 1 static caravan and a chemical khazi. Recipe for disaster.
We went to Lyme Regis for fossil hunting. The Jurasic Coast and it didn't disappoint. Beautiful sweeping runs along the cliffs, stunning coastline, wide open expanse, fresh air (apart form in the caravan) and loads of fossils 190,000 million years old.
It was the annual man club weekend retreat, where old school friends get together to put me off getting married and having kids. I loved it.
It made me realise I HAVE to be by the sea. I have to get down there often. I felt free, calmer, more relaxed and happier, particularly on stunning coastline. Love it.
I went to an early meeting in the tiny Lyme Regis and bumped into 3 people I knew. I ran 20 miles over the 2 days along the cliffs and had quality time with old mates. What more can I want?
Maybe that contributed to my lack of focus and drive today. We shall see tomorrow.
Until then readers. Today's blog is an exercise in doing something you don't want to do. Write. Granted, it is dull and barely hits 3/10 on blog quality but this one is more for me readers. Not you. Told you I was a selfish bastard.
Nicky Evans
Dull, slow day. Couldn't get going. Not inspired and quiet rumblings of being overwhelmed.
When I feel like this what do I do? Do I role my sleeves up and get stuck in? No of course not, I want to constantly distract, put off, procrastinate and do other more pleasurable pastimes. Like smoke and text. Tragic really.
I didn't of course, I lasted the day but couldn't work it out. I felt pretty fresh and chirpy this morning but sometimes when I enter an office it drains my spirit, creativity and productivity. I must arrest this immediately. I'll put it down to Monday Blues.
I had a top weekend. It was Man Club Weekender Number 3. 4 old school friends, 1 static caravan and a chemical khazi. Recipe for disaster.
We went to Lyme Regis for fossil hunting. The Jurasic Coast and it didn't disappoint. Beautiful sweeping runs along the cliffs, stunning coastline, wide open expanse, fresh air (apart form in the caravan) and loads of fossils 190,000 million years old.
It was the annual man club weekend retreat, where old school friends get together to put me off getting married and having kids. I loved it.
It made me realise I HAVE to be by the sea. I have to get down there often. I felt free, calmer, more relaxed and happier, particularly on stunning coastline. Love it.
I went to an early meeting in the tiny Lyme Regis and bumped into 3 people I knew. I ran 20 miles over the 2 days along the cliffs and had quality time with old mates. What more can I want?
Maybe that contributed to my lack of focus and drive today. We shall see tomorrow.
Until then readers. Today's blog is an exercise in doing something you don't want to do. Write. Granted, it is dull and barely hits 3/10 on blog quality but this one is more for me readers. Not you. Told you I was a selfish bastard.
Nicky Evans
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Day 159 - Don't Press The Fuck It button!!!
I'm not sure why the fire within burns so fiercely. It can manifest itself in many ways. Some glaringly obvious, like losing your temper, others less so, like being critical of yourself and others.
Sometimes the fire burns, other times the pilot light merely flickers. For me it is always on. My trick is not to let it catch.
I find it hard. Particularly when tired or when things aren't going my way, or when I'm unhappy at my own behaviour. The merest thing can set it off.
I'm not sure why I'm so ultra critical. Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo. Virgo's are notorious perfectionists, otherwise known as 'anal', but I won't go down that route. That's for another blog and a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. I'm not into star signs anyway. Anal is another matter.
Perhaps it's because I'm an alcoholic and one of the glaring defects of the alcoholic personality is huge intolerance and impatience.
Perhaps it's because I'm a control freak/ego maniac and want things my way.
Or perhaps because I struggle with acceptance? I am like the director of the show and if things don't go the way I want them I get all clucky and agitated. I can't accept.
Perhaps It's because I struggle with a higher power and playing God all the time is just collision course for misery and unhappiness. No-one is going to do things the way I want to ALL the time, so perhaps it's better to let the big fella run the show and chill the fuck out?
Or perhaps people really are massively annoying and the world is full of idiots and deserve to be given 'the treatment'.
God knows, I certainly haven't got the answers today. I know one thing. There are more of you lot than there are of me and I better learn to live in harmony with the world otherwise I'm on collision course.
That is where the 'fuck it' button becomes so appealing. The ultimate escape from a tight spot. One push of that mighty button and you're gone for good.
I can understand why people do. We are faced with so many ridiculous pressures everyday it's no wonder occasionally on bad days the 'fuck it' option becomes the best one.
My Father did the ultimate 'fuck it' in 1985 and walked out of normal life and into heavy alcoholism. Full flight from reality.
Yes he missed out on loads of beautiful things and died a lonely alcoholic sad tragic death, but at least he did it on his terms. He didn't have to worry about tax returns, house prices, mortgages, life insurance, commuting, power point presentations, mobile phone bills, twitter followers and everything else that is modern life.
On some days I look at people who have stepped out of the 'rat race' and think they are the real heroes. Did they press a final 'fuck it' button from real life?
Yesterday I had a huge fuck it moment. I helped my Mum in the afternoon as she moved into her house. I drive down from London on one of my sacred days off to help her buy some things. I got there, built a coffee table, unloaded a few things and then we went out to buy her a TV.
After a couple of futile trips to Tesco and Asda we decided to drive to Reading to Currys. It was by the Majeski stadium, and I noticed there was a football match being played. It was 4.30pm, soon there would be 20,000 people trying to get home. I smelt danger.
"This place is going to be mobbed Mum," Trying to warn her off so we buggered off home,
"But it's just here darling, we won't be long."
Internally "Fuck".
She was desperate to get what we needed, I knew she would have been disappointed had we left there and then. I drove onto Curry's knowing what was to come.
We quickly purchased a 40 inch TV, phones, printer and Ironing board. We were packed, in the car and off home by 5.20. The trouble is so were 12,000 other people.
As we sat in traffic for 30 mins, gridlocked I could feel my temperature rising. A dinner date in London was looking distinctly dubious and my anger grew minute by stationary minute. On the road to no-where.
My Mum was busy telling me how she was looking forward to watching X factor on the big screen and all I could think in my head was......FUCK IT!!!!
Fuck X factor. Fuck doing chores. Fuck traffic and Reading and Real fucking life. Fuck it! Fuck it all. Fuck it all against a big wall and then piss on it. Fuck it. Big fucking huge Fuck it button. If one was there I would have pushed it. All fucking week working, caged up in London, queuing everywhere. Home to train to office and back. Caged. No space, no open expanse. Just frustration. And now. In Reading. In traffic. More fucking waiting. Fuck it. Fuck this. Fucking Fuck it......I thought. I was frustrated. You may have guessed.
(I'd like to point out those were my stream of conscious thoughts. They weren't real. They were not logical. I do not think them now. I didn't express them. They were deep frustrated thoughts.)
I then understood why my old man did what he did. If it wasn't for AA and recovery and sharing my feelings I would have to drink. I couldn't live with my 'Fuck it' button solo. Man my head is built to well up frustration.
Real life is really annoying sometimes. I am not very tolerant sometimes. I am critical and judgmental and impatient. I can be a nightmare but we all have our bad days right?
Bottom line is I turned up for service, helped out my Mum, kept my trap shut, didn't mow anyone down in Reading, put up a coffee table, put her 42 inch TV up so she could watch X factor and buggered off.
For me yesterday was a classic case of having smart feet. Turn up and your head will finally follow. Plus of course, no matter how tempted, DO NOT push the fuck it button. It nearly always ends in tears (and 42 inch plasma's being broken. Luckily I didn't press mine yesterday despite being sorely tempted.)
Nicholas E Evans.
Sometimes the fire burns, other times the pilot light merely flickers. For me it is always on. My trick is not to let it catch.
I find it hard. Particularly when tired or when things aren't going my way, or when I'm unhappy at my own behaviour. The merest thing can set it off.
I'm not sure why I'm so ultra critical. Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo. Virgo's are notorious perfectionists, otherwise known as 'anal', but I won't go down that route. That's for another blog and a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous. I'm not into star signs anyway. Anal is another matter.
Perhaps it's because I'm an alcoholic and one of the glaring defects of the alcoholic personality is huge intolerance and impatience.
Perhaps it's because I'm a control freak/ego maniac and want things my way.
Or perhaps because I struggle with acceptance? I am like the director of the show and if things don't go the way I want them I get all clucky and agitated. I can't accept.
Perhaps It's because I struggle with a higher power and playing God all the time is just collision course for misery and unhappiness. No-one is going to do things the way I want to ALL the time, so perhaps it's better to let the big fella run the show and chill the fuck out?
Or perhaps people really are massively annoying and the world is full of idiots and deserve to be given 'the treatment'.
God knows, I certainly haven't got the answers today. I know one thing. There are more of you lot than there are of me and I better learn to live in harmony with the world otherwise I'm on collision course.
That is where the 'fuck it' button becomes so appealing. The ultimate escape from a tight spot. One push of that mighty button and you're gone for good.
I can understand why people do. We are faced with so many ridiculous pressures everyday it's no wonder occasionally on bad days the 'fuck it' option becomes the best one.
My Father did the ultimate 'fuck it' in 1985 and walked out of normal life and into heavy alcoholism. Full flight from reality.
Yes he missed out on loads of beautiful things and died a lonely alcoholic sad tragic death, but at least he did it on his terms. He didn't have to worry about tax returns, house prices, mortgages, life insurance, commuting, power point presentations, mobile phone bills, twitter followers and everything else that is modern life.
On some days I look at people who have stepped out of the 'rat race' and think they are the real heroes. Did they press a final 'fuck it' button from real life?
Yesterday I had a huge fuck it moment. I helped my Mum in the afternoon as she moved into her house. I drive down from London on one of my sacred days off to help her buy some things. I got there, built a coffee table, unloaded a few things and then we went out to buy her a TV.
After a couple of futile trips to Tesco and Asda we decided to drive to Reading to Currys. It was by the Majeski stadium, and I noticed there was a football match being played. It was 4.30pm, soon there would be 20,000 people trying to get home. I smelt danger.
"This place is going to be mobbed Mum," Trying to warn her off so we buggered off home,
"But it's just here darling, we won't be long."
Internally "Fuck".
She was desperate to get what we needed, I knew she would have been disappointed had we left there and then. I drove onto Curry's knowing what was to come.
We quickly purchased a 40 inch TV, phones, printer and Ironing board. We were packed, in the car and off home by 5.20. The trouble is so were 12,000 other people.
As we sat in traffic for 30 mins, gridlocked I could feel my temperature rising. A dinner date in London was looking distinctly dubious and my anger grew minute by stationary minute. On the road to no-where.
My Mum was busy telling me how she was looking forward to watching X factor on the big screen and all I could think in my head was......FUCK IT!!!!
Fuck X factor. Fuck doing chores. Fuck traffic and Reading and Real fucking life. Fuck it! Fuck it all. Fuck it all against a big wall and then piss on it. Fuck it. Big fucking huge Fuck it button. If one was there I would have pushed it. All fucking week working, caged up in London, queuing everywhere. Home to train to office and back. Caged. No space, no open expanse. Just frustration. And now. In Reading. In traffic. More fucking waiting. Fuck it. Fuck this. Fucking Fuck it......I thought. I was frustrated. You may have guessed.
(I'd like to point out those were my stream of conscious thoughts. They weren't real. They were not logical. I do not think them now. I didn't express them. They were deep frustrated thoughts.)
I then understood why my old man did what he did. If it wasn't for AA and recovery and sharing my feelings I would have to drink. I couldn't live with my 'Fuck it' button solo. Man my head is built to well up frustration.
Real life is really annoying sometimes. I am not very tolerant sometimes. I am critical and judgmental and impatient. I can be a nightmare but we all have our bad days right?
Bottom line is I turned up for service, helped out my Mum, kept my trap shut, didn't mow anyone down in Reading, put up a coffee table, put her 42 inch TV up so she could watch X factor and buggered off.
For me yesterday was a classic case of having smart feet. Turn up and your head will finally follow. Plus of course, no matter how tempted, DO NOT push the fuck it button. It nearly always ends in tears (and 42 inch plasma's being broken. Luckily I didn't press mine yesterday despite being sorely tempted.)
Nicholas E Evans.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Getting over Writers Block
They've all had it. Shakespeare, Ginsberg, Rankin, Rowling and now Evans.
Writers block. The inability to write a single word let alone a sentence, paragraph, blog or even God forbid, a book.
I've had 'the block' for the past month. If I'm being honest, since I went to Glasgow this summer.
Even before, when I started my full time job, it's been a struggle to marry a brutally honest account of struggles with recovery/addiction with a 'grown up' job.
The two just don't mix. It was easier when I was in the midst of a mid-life crisis. When I was skint & wondering what my future was. It's so easy to be honest when you're on your knees.
But then you get a full time job, start earning a regular wage and suddenly it's easier to forget/hide/put issues on the back burner. "As long as I'm earning." you say to yourself, Suddenly those burning issues become less important when the wages roll in. Same if you get laid I suppose. "Well, I cant be THAT bad can I?"
Block.
In addition your head shifts. Suddenly priorities change. What seemed like important issues no longer become so. The daily job becomes all consuming. Space in your head is full of work not spiritual questions. The urge to bare your soul decreases. Suddenly you think things through. What are the ramifications?
Block.
I'm the kind of writer who writes from the heart. I don't plan or structure a topic or theme. I don't prepare a beginning and end. I just write. Thoughts, streams of consciousness, feelings. I attempt to turn my head inside out. Sometimes this is good, other times not so. Thoughts should sometimes remain thoughts. I have put mine out there which I forget others read as the truth.
So when you have a little time. When you consider the impact. When it doesn't become immediate. Emotional. Revealing. When you over think the result I can't write. I couldn't write. I didn't write.
I had no urge.
Block.
And believe me over the past few weeks I have experienced all kinds of feelings, addictive emotions and actions. From chronic low self esteem, regret, less than, comparison, staring at the past, masculinity, acting out, pain, emotion, bulimia, co-dependency, joy, pain, laughter, financial insecurity and also some good stuff too. Weddings, family, praise, promotion etc.
There have been so many reasons to write. So many life events that have been hilarious, horrific and everything else beginning with H. But nothing. I couldn't write.
Block.
Life has happened both good and bad but boy has it been noisy in my head. The addict in me has been raging. Sometimes when I have known. Other times when it has controlled me.
I just haven't been able to write about it. Some of it because I'm embarrassed, some of it because I'm ashamed, some of it because of my position and some because I just haven't known how too.
Block.
After 13 years of sobriety I have begun to realise how deep some of my other addictions/replacement behaviours are ingrained. It just depends if burying yourself in work and status is enough to paper over these cracks for a period of time or if they are to be addressed. How long can one keep up the façade? Days, months, years even?
I was recently called the sanest insane person they had ever met. A neat description. Sadly I took it as a compliment even though it really wasn't meant that way. Still nothing.
Block.
I have to be honest. I've been suffering from low esteem recently. I attended a member of my family's wedding. It was genuinely beautiful. Very joyful. Full of love, spirit and tons of God (bit too much for me to be brutally honest but hey, who am I!!)
What did it do? It made me think of me. Being a self centred alcoholic of course it did. It's normal to evaluate your own life when you attend weddings. Especially ones who are 19 years younger than you. But it's not normal to really max out on it as I did. That's very 'addicty'.
What did I evaluate? Well that my entire life was a fuck up of course. That I was 42, hadn't committed, no kids, no mortgage, no roots and had spent my entire sobriety self seeking around as much pleasure I could find from outside sources. I essentially convinced myself I was a waste of space, that my sobriety was useless and I had fucked around for too long. I had pretty much hid from life. Only an addict could come to such a ridiculous, negative and harmful conclusion on their own. Get why addicts kill themselves now?
Christ the self hatred and regret bit me hard. And what did I do? Well, not the normal thing of brush it off and move forward. I'm an addict and prone to terrific bouts of self pity, self hatred and self sabotage - so I used anything and everything to punish myself. Lots of wonderful wacky and way out ways. Some severe, some really subtle that nobody in the outside world would ever know. But they were there.
And that's why I couldn't write. That's why I had.....
Block.
Because I don't know what or how to change. I didn't have the emotional answers. Yes I had the intellectual ones. Look back but down stare. You can move forward from today. Make goals and stick to them. Bla blah blah. But I didn't have the answers I so desperately want to write a successful blog and book. The pressure I placed on myself was too much to write. I just didn;t and still don't have that urge to change. I haven't yet hit a bottom.
Hence, what's the point in writing. If its the same old shit every time. I need to change. Boo. I want to change. Boo. I can't change. Boo. Boo hoo.
Block.
It's a pretty desperate place to be.
Block.
But in my experience you have to go through the ringer. You have to put yourself through that time and again to realise and understand. You are where you are. No point in sugar coating it. No point in 'faking it to make it'. Just hope and pray to become willing to change. Just hang in there and try as you might until you do. Just hope that you get the grace of God and it drops. Just make a decision one day and BOOM.
There is nothing I can do about the past except learn from it.
The wedding brought up all kinds of emotional stuff from childhood. It made me think much of my emotional maturity is still stuck there. Sometimes I am a kid in and adults body and the self sabotage are just adult ways of having a tantrum against yourself.
This is the shit I've been in. All whilst playing a normal person in an adult world. Work, family, relationship etc.
Block.
This morning I started reading Brene Brown, 'Daring Greatly' - Dare to be vulnerable. It made me think of certain things.
I did my day at work, had a meeting with someone rather inspirational. A workaholic who has built up an empire, lots of money and a life but was racked in pain about where to turn next. It gave me the energy and impetus to write.
She said to me, 'you really need to write a book Nick' You're writing and expression is amazing. You have such a gift". Yet another person to add to the list. "So why don't I?" - I thought to myself.
I'll tell you why. The real reason? The deep truth. The truth that I didn't even know myself until today. Because I'm scared. That's why. Good old fashioned fear. Fear of success. Fear of trying. Fear of hard work. Fear of failure. Fear of doing. Just fear.
I don't have the answers. Maybe I never will, but you know what? It feels fucking good to be back writing. I've missed it. I really have. I've missed me too. And you. I lose my identity when I don't write. I become normal. And god forbid, my ego hates being normal, even though I am. Even though I am one of you. Even though I really am not special and different my ego will tell me that by writing I am, and even just a sniff of that in my mind makes me feel a whole lot better.
Because no matter how good or bad this piece is. I've done it and God, isn't it good to die trying rather than wondering?
Thank you Brene Brown, I've dared to be vulnerable and thank you Amy at 4pm, you really inspired me.
I'm back. I just hope I stay
Nicholas E
Writers block. The inability to write a single word let alone a sentence, paragraph, blog or even God forbid, a book.
I've had 'the block' for the past month. If I'm being honest, since I went to Glasgow this summer.
Even before, when I started my full time job, it's been a struggle to marry a brutally honest account of struggles with recovery/addiction with a 'grown up' job.
The two just don't mix. It was easier when I was in the midst of a mid-life crisis. When I was skint & wondering what my future was. It's so easy to be honest when you're on your knees.
But then you get a full time job, start earning a regular wage and suddenly it's easier to forget/hide/put issues on the back burner. "As long as I'm earning." you say to yourself, Suddenly those burning issues become less important when the wages roll in. Same if you get laid I suppose. "Well, I cant be THAT bad can I?"
Block.
In addition your head shifts. Suddenly priorities change. What seemed like important issues no longer become so. The daily job becomes all consuming. Space in your head is full of work not spiritual questions. The urge to bare your soul decreases. Suddenly you think things through. What are the ramifications?
Block.
I'm the kind of writer who writes from the heart. I don't plan or structure a topic or theme. I don't prepare a beginning and end. I just write. Thoughts, streams of consciousness, feelings. I attempt to turn my head inside out. Sometimes this is good, other times not so. Thoughts should sometimes remain thoughts. I have put mine out there which I forget others read as the truth.
So when you have a little time. When you consider the impact. When it doesn't become immediate. Emotional. Revealing. When you over think the result I can't write. I couldn't write. I didn't write.
I had no urge.
Block.
And believe me over the past few weeks I have experienced all kinds of feelings, addictive emotions and actions. From chronic low self esteem, regret, less than, comparison, staring at the past, masculinity, acting out, pain, emotion, bulimia, co-dependency, joy, pain, laughter, financial insecurity and also some good stuff too. Weddings, family, praise, promotion etc.
There have been so many reasons to write. So many life events that have been hilarious, horrific and everything else beginning with H. But nothing. I couldn't write.
Block.
Life has happened both good and bad but boy has it been noisy in my head. The addict in me has been raging. Sometimes when I have known. Other times when it has controlled me.
I just haven't been able to write about it. Some of it because I'm embarrassed, some of it because I'm ashamed, some of it because of my position and some because I just haven't known how too.
Block.
After 13 years of sobriety I have begun to realise how deep some of my other addictions/replacement behaviours are ingrained. It just depends if burying yourself in work and status is enough to paper over these cracks for a period of time or if they are to be addressed. How long can one keep up the façade? Days, months, years even?
I was recently called the sanest insane person they had ever met. A neat description. Sadly I took it as a compliment even though it really wasn't meant that way. Still nothing.
Block.
I have to be honest. I've been suffering from low esteem recently. I attended a member of my family's wedding. It was genuinely beautiful. Very joyful. Full of love, spirit and tons of God (bit too much for me to be brutally honest but hey, who am I!!)
What did it do? It made me think of me. Being a self centred alcoholic of course it did. It's normal to evaluate your own life when you attend weddings. Especially ones who are 19 years younger than you. But it's not normal to really max out on it as I did. That's very 'addicty'.
What did I evaluate? Well that my entire life was a fuck up of course. That I was 42, hadn't committed, no kids, no mortgage, no roots and had spent my entire sobriety self seeking around as much pleasure I could find from outside sources. I essentially convinced myself I was a waste of space, that my sobriety was useless and I had fucked around for too long. I had pretty much hid from life. Only an addict could come to such a ridiculous, negative and harmful conclusion on their own. Get why addicts kill themselves now?
Christ the self hatred and regret bit me hard. And what did I do? Well, not the normal thing of brush it off and move forward. I'm an addict and prone to terrific bouts of self pity, self hatred and self sabotage - so I used anything and everything to punish myself. Lots of wonderful wacky and way out ways. Some severe, some really subtle that nobody in the outside world would ever know. But they were there.
And that's why I couldn't write. That's why I had.....
Block.
Because I don't know what or how to change. I didn't have the emotional answers. Yes I had the intellectual ones. Look back but down stare. You can move forward from today. Make goals and stick to them. Bla blah blah. But I didn't have the answers I so desperately want to write a successful blog and book. The pressure I placed on myself was too much to write. I just didn;t and still don't have that urge to change. I haven't yet hit a bottom.
Hence, what's the point in writing. If its the same old shit every time. I need to change. Boo. I want to change. Boo. I can't change. Boo. Boo hoo.
Block.
It's a pretty desperate place to be.
Block.
But in my experience you have to go through the ringer. You have to put yourself through that time and again to realise and understand. You are where you are. No point in sugar coating it. No point in 'faking it to make it'. Just hope and pray to become willing to change. Just hang in there and try as you might until you do. Just hope that you get the grace of God and it drops. Just make a decision one day and BOOM.
There is nothing I can do about the past except learn from it.
The wedding brought up all kinds of emotional stuff from childhood. It made me think much of my emotional maturity is still stuck there. Sometimes I am a kid in and adults body and the self sabotage are just adult ways of having a tantrum against yourself.
This is the shit I've been in. All whilst playing a normal person in an adult world. Work, family, relationship etc.
Block.
This morning I started reading Brene Brown, 'Daring Greatly' - Dare to be vulnerable. It made me think of certain things.
I did my day at work, had a meeting with someone rather inspirational. A workaholic who has built up an empire, lots of money and a life but was racked in pain about where to turn next. It gave me the energy and impetus to write.
She said to me, 'you really need to write a book Nick' You're writing and expression is amazing. You have such a gift". Yet another person to add to the list. "So why don't I?" - I thought to myself.
I'll tell you why. The real reason? The deep truth. The truth that I didn't even know myself until today. Because I'm scared. That's why. Good old fashioned fear. Fear of success. Fear of trying. Fear of hard work. Fear of failure. Fear of doing. Just fear.
I don't have the answers. Maybe I never will, but you know what? It feels fucking good to be back writing. I've missed it. I really have. I've missed me too. And you. I lose my identity when I don't write. I become normal. And god forbid, my ego hates being normal, even though I am. Even though I am one of you. Even though I really am not special and different my ego will tell me that by writing I am, and even just a sniff of that in my mind makes me feel a whole lot better.
Because no matter how good or bad this piece is. I've done it and God, isn't it good to die trying rather than wondering?
Thank you Brene Brown, I've dared to be vulnerable and thank you Amy at 4pm, you really inspired me.
I'm back. I just hope I stay
Nicholas E
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Day 157 - Meditation v Sexting
This blog is slipping, I simply haven't had the time to write and if I'm honest my life circumstances have changed somewhat so that I'm not feeling the urge to bare all in public so much.
This week has seen Scotland vote to keep part of the UK, more chaos and trauma in the middle East and I've become more peaceful. Strange feeling that.
I'm not a social commentator so I'll leave that to those who do it best. However what I am interested in is addiction, recovery, character defects and 'the head', so let me talk a little about that.
I have a housemate now. After living on my own for nearly 2 years I have a housemate. Not from choice I hasten to add, but my space is no longer my own and I'm gutted.
In AA I you hear that acceptance is the answer. When I am disturbed it is because something is not right in me, not the world. Well, when someone is eating monkey nuts really loudly when you're trying to work, the house is full of stuff, clutter gets everywhere and you simply feel invaded of personal space I find it hard to practice acceptance.
The thoughts of shouting, 'FOR FUCKS SAKE WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF AND STOP LEAVING CLUTTER EVERYWHERE & STOP EATING THOSE MONKEY FUCKING NUTS', were prevalent. I had to practice restraint of pen & tongue (and email, text, Whats App, Facebook, Twitter)
For this self centred self seeking ego maniac I like things my way. When that is compromised it takes me ages to accept. Still, that's rather a high class problem, though I have been looking at beheading in a different light this week. (Joke)
I have been intermittently meditating. I know I made a commitment last week to do it every day. That's why making pledges are dangerous. Most days I do 5-8 minutes, but on some of the mornings I stopped to answer a text or do something else. Not really the art of meditation that but it's all about practice right?
My subtle self sabotage is still alive and well. Staying up far too late, meaning I'm too tired in the morning to meditate properly and prepare myself for the day. The result I have been grumpy and quick to anger at work. Snappy and intolerant. Not a good look.
I chilled out towards the end of the week and find myself today in a peaceful place. Just for today I have no real worries. I have high class problems. For instance the District Line has engineering works and I need to use it to go to a corporate hospitality box at West Ham v Liverpool.
I've been invited by a client as a guest, with free food, drink and posh seats. How unfortunate that I've got to schlap all across London on a dodgy District Line to go to a match to the team I support. Poor me.
See, left unchecked that's how ungrateful I am. I really am. Focusing on the negative. Not seeing the bigger picture. Lack of perspective and gratitude is as much a part of my disease as low self esteem etc.
So this is to grass me up, show myself the reality and how lucky I am to be going, to be invited and to be able to watch my team play. I shall hold onto that gratitude when I'm sat for 2 hours on a bus replacement in the Isle of Dogs. The ultimate test of my flimsy form of Band Aid gratitude. A deeper sort awaits me in the future I hope.
It's not a very interesting blog today as I haven't got much to say. I feel calm. But I'm still aware I've been acting in self all week and still putting off the things I know I need to do in order to move towards a cleaner recovery.
Still, I'm clearly not ready so not point banging on about it. Best enjoy the day and do what you're apparently meant to do....have fun and enjoy life not endure it.
Have a good weekend readers and a little tip if you are meditating, try not to have a Whats App conversation in the middle of it. Doesn't work. I've done it twice this week. It screws up a good bout of sexting. (and meditation) - I've yet to find any spiritual teacher who has combined sexting with any form of meditative spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps that could be a winning new App? I'll get my thinking cap on...
It's a tough choice though. Playful fantasy, self fulfilling lusty fun or calm, peaceful meditation. I know what will make me feel better. I know what is more spiritually nourishing. I know what the right thing to do is.....but since when has knowledge and knowing what the right thing to do ever stopped me in acting out in self will. The call of the wild is sometimes so much stronger than the call of the mild. Many of you will know what I'm saying there.
Anyway, must go another incoming. This pesky Whats App, IPhone, social media, sexting addiction isn't going to feed itself now is it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
This week has seen Scotland vote to keep part of the UK, more chaos and trauma in the middle East and I've become more peaceful. Strange feeling that.
I'm not a social commentator so I'll leave that to those who do it best. However what I am interested in is addiction, recovery, character defects and 'the head', so let me talk a little about that.
I have a housemate now. After living on my own for nearly 2 years I have a housemate. Not from choice I hasten to add, but my space is no longer my own and I'm gutted.
In AA I you hear that acceptance is the answer. When I am disturbed it is because something is not right in me, not the world. Well, when someone is eating monkey nuts really loudly when you're trying to work, the house is full of stuff, clutter gets everywhere and you simply feel invaded of personal space I find it hard to practice acceptance.
The thoughts of shouting, 'FOR FUCKS SAKE WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF AND STOP LEAVING CLUTTER EVERYWHERE & STOP EATING THOSE MONKEY FUCKING NUTS', were prevalent. I had to practice restraint of pen & tongue (and email, text, Whats App, Facebook, Twitter)
For this self centred self seeking ego maniac I like things my way. When that is compromised it takes me ages to accept. Still, that's rather a high class problem, though I have been looking at beheading in a different light this week. (Joke)
I have been intermittently meditating. I know I made a commitment last week to do it every day. That's why making pledges are dangerous. Most days I do 5-8 minutes, but on some of the mornings I stopped to answer a text or do something else. Not really the art of meditation that but it's all about practice right?
My subtle self sabotage is still alive and well. Staying up far too late, meaning I'm too tired in the morning to meditate properly and prepare myself for the day. The result I have been grumpy and quick to anger at work. Snappy and intolerant. Not a good look.
I chilled out towards the end of the week and find myself today in a peaceful place. Just for today I have no real worries. I have high class problems. For instance the District Line has engineering works and I need to use it to go to a corporate hospitality box at West Ham v Liverpool.
I've been invited by a client as a guest, with free food, drink and posh seats. How unfortunate that I've got to schlap all across London on a dodgy District Line to go to a match to the team I support. Poor me.
See, left unchecked that's how ungrateful I am. I really am. Focusing on the negative. Not seeing the bigger picture. Lack of perspective and gratitude is as much a part of my disease as low self esteem etc.
So this is to grass me up, show myself the reality and how lucky I am to be going, to be invited and to be able to watch my team play. I shall hold onto that gratitude when I'm sat for 2 hours on a bus replacement in the Isle of Dogs. The ultimate test of my flimsy form of Band Aid gratitude. A deeper sort awaits me in the future I hope.
It's not a very interesting blog today as I haven't got much to say. I feel calm. But I'm still aware I've been acting in self all week and still putting off the things I know I need to do in order to move towards a cleaner recovery.
Still, I'm clearly not ready so not point banging on about it. Best enjoy the day and do what you're apparently meant to do....have fun and enjoy life not endure it.
Have a good weekend readers and a little tip if you are meditating, try not to have a Whats App conversation in the middle of it. Doesn't work. I've done it twice this week. It screws up a good bout of sexting. (and meditation) - I've yet to find any spiritual teacher who has combined sexting with any form of meditative spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps that could be a winning new App? I'll get my thinking cap on...
It's a tough choice though. Playful fantasy, self fulfilling lusty fun or calm, peaceful meditation. I know what will make me feel better. I know what is more spiritually nourishing. I know what the right thing to do is.....but since when has knowledge and knowing what the right thing to do ever stopped me in acting out in self will. The call of the wild is sometimes so much stronger than the call of the mild. Many of you will know what I'm saying there.
Anyway, must go another incoming. This pesky Whats App, IPhone, social media, sexting addiction isn't going to feed itself now is it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Day 156 - Barely Scratching The Surface & Time to meditate?
I've been lying low this week. Since my birthday I've been struck by a rather large dose of low self esteem and self hatred. It's boring and dull. The desire to write about it has be absent.
The words, "Here we go again" have been floating around my head. Not wanting to reveal too much publicly. Plus of course thinking reading it people would just get frustrated and think, "whining sod why doesn't he just pull himself together."
Self hatred, self pity and low self esteem are really ugly traits. They are ugly to hear in others and ugly to feel in oneself. They are self indulgent and most of society hasn't got the patience, tolerance or indeed stomach to hear too much of it. Rightly so I hasten to add.
When I hear people 'right in it', it is painful. My Nan used to say, 'nobody likes a moaner' - which made me think. "Christ Nan, I wish I had more of your DNA".
It saps your energy and you want to help but there is very little you can do. People with experience of depression will know. The mind is such a powerful tool that when negative forces take hold it is very difficult to reverse or nip in the bud.
Part of alcoholism is low self esteem. It just is. That nagging feeling of not being good enough is never far away. It has got better over the years, but since turning 42 it has come back strongly.
Why? I suppose many reasons. One of which is what it means to be a man. 42 without a mortgage, home, family, kids - hasn't been an issue to me in the past. Yes it's nagged me deep down, but this week it's really done a number on me. It's made me question my whole being.
Have I been avoiding things? Is it deep rooted fear? Am I great at covering it all up? Am I delaying the inevitable? Isn't it my job to build, procreate and provide? How much of a man am I really? How much of my sobriety have I dedicated to covering all this shit up with looks, massive quiff, sculpted abs, chiselled biceps, Ironman triathlons and promiscuity? As long as I look good right? Who really wants to address that deep rooted painful ugly stuff? Am I too needy? Am I co-dependant? The list goes on and on.
When in that messy bog of self pity my head has taken me to dark, negative places. And of course it doesn't have an off button. It just goes deeper and deeper. I have punished myself for putting more store in the outside and severely neglecting the inside.
Being hard on oneself is also another classic alcoholic egoic thing. It's like pride in reverse. Beating oneself up, punishing yourself for what you haven't done, concentrating on the negative over the good stuff is a sign you are bang in your disease. That's where I've been this week.
Is it that Deep down I have such little self regard that I kill myself with cigarettes, diet coke, little sleep, poor diet, sugar binges, obsessions, kinks and capers. I continue to use many things to avoid feeling my feelings. Am I running away? Delaying that inevitable judgment day when you have to face up to the truth, walk through the fear and face the pain?
Oh no am I going to turn into one of those wankers who blames the trauma of their childhood?!! Pass me the sick bucket now!! See I have to make a joke of it. Plus I have to make myself hide the vulnerability by slating people who face up to childhood trauma. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact it is braver to deal with that and face up to deep rooted fears than it is to delay them and act in disease. It's easier to cover up with the armour of arrogance or not give a shit than it is to really go into the nitty gritty (not in a self obsessed way I add, but in a courageous healthy way to free yourself to live life) - I suspect that's a harsh bout of truth I've just told myself there.
Maybe I place myself in positions to feel shit about myself because deep down that's what I think I deserve. It's like I'm drawn to it in many ways. Ever been in a relationship longer than you should because you feel it's what you deserve? Ever not asked for enough money in your job because of the fear of being sacked? Ever not done something you love because of fear of failure. It all comes from the same place. Low self esteem and self hatred. Addicts are riddled with it deep down.
All people have it. We are not superior in that regard. But normal people shrug it off and get on with it. I tend to wallow in it. An awful trait I have but I have it.
It is a continual self sabotage of the highest order. Stop killing yourself with drink and drugs but find a host of other more subtle ways to do the job.
It's been pretty bad 'under the bonnet' this week. Of course I've put my whistle on, quiffed my hair, turned up for work and put on the armour. Everybody I meet says, 'you look great'. And I do. I really do. I know I'm a decent looking chap and I look better than I ever have in my life. But Nobody would know the cracker factory below. Nobody would ever guess of the insecurity, low self esteem lurking within. I cover it well. When I'm busy I forget this head and these feelings but when I return back to my head - man they are strong. Hide it with the quiff Nick. It's all in the quiff.
I feel a fraud for writing this. The inside Job was to see if I could arrest these bad habits and things I pursue to get 'under the bonnet' of the disease. To change. But, if I'm honest I feel I am just pushing paper around, skirting around the sides and deep 'in it', which on a bad day means this blog is effectively redundant. Who wants to hear about someone talking about wanting to change but not doing it?
Frustrating no doubt for people who know me, love me, read this and pretty dull for those who don't.
It just makes me think I have barely scratched the surface of the disease. I am thinking the Inside Job is a lifetime work. I am not cured. I am merely beginning to see the scale of it and begin to gain some kind of self awareness.
That's great but the ultimate one is positive action.
I felt a little odd today. Woke up slightly needy and in fear. I have my reasons why.
I went to a meeting and heard some good stuff. One lady was talking about mindfulness and taking time to appreciate her life even the mundane stuff. I thought to myself, 'I like that concept I will try that today"
Then as soon as I left the meeting, I completely forgot about that and got straight back on the text. What the fuck is wrong with me! Addicted to the sodding I-Phone. At least alcohol or crack is hard-core. IPhone addiction is so modern and lame. It's embarrassing.
I went home and reluctantly did some chores. Swearing all the way that poor me had to do these things on my day off. Mindful gratitude was not on my list of emotions I was experiencing.
I thought of my Dad. When I was young he was always swearing at having to do dull shit around the house and made everyone know he hated it and couldn't be arsed. He was a raging alcoholic and a terminal self seeker.
Here I was at 42, 13 years sober doing exactly the same. Like father like son. One alcoholic to another. Difference is I can recognise that kind of behaviour. 13 years gives you that at least.
Then I went for a run and I bumped into a friend who is a mindfulness meditation teacher. I had a few lessons with her back in January and started to do it every day. I have to admit it did help and I felt some kind of connection with a higher force.
I packed it in when I got a full time job. Is it a coincidence I bumped into her?
Since working full time I have slipped right back into me. Self seeking, busy, caning the DC and fags. Chasing things. Being in self will. It helps of course if you solely concentrate on your work and you become focused on that. Brings some kind of success but at what cost?
I've also found myself slipping into other obsessions which have driven me and been at the forefront of my mind. Trouble is I'd rather do that than meditate.
But by bumping into her, having a chat, I went home and did 10 minutes. OK my mind was wandering more than a spider with 18 legs. But I did have moments of peace. It is clearly something to try.
I now feel differently. Less needy, less in fear, less shit.
I'm not fixed or healed. I've still gunned a can of DC whilst writing this and I'm itching for a cig. But I'm going to commit to meditation every day. I'm really not that busy that I cant do it - who knows it maybe good for me. What have I got to lose?
20 minutes less in Radio Nick FM, listening to his favourite show 'self will run riot' can only be a good thing.
I'll be back on form soon readers and you won't have to put up with this whiny drivel for much longer. Still this is brutally honest and It will get better. I truly believe I will succeed. I will change. And I will do it by laying open all this dark horrible shit and we will do it together. Its just I'm going to write a book about it and you'll have to spend £18.99 getting the answer of how.
That's a long term goal/vision by the way. We've got to have dreams right?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
The words, "Here we go again" have been floating around my head. Not wanting to reveal too much publicly. Plus of course thinking reading it people would just get frustrated and think, "whining sod why doesn't he just pull himself together."
Self hatred, self pity and low self esteem are really ugly traits. They are ugly to hear in others and ugly to feel in oneself. They are self indulgent and most of society hasn't got the patience, tolerance or indeed stomach to hear too much of it. Rightly so I hasten to add.
When I hear people 'right in it', it is painful. My Nan used to say, 'nobody likes a moaner' - which made me think. "Christ Nan, I wish I had more of your DNA".
It saps your energy and you want to help but there is very little you can do. People with experience of depression will know. The mind is such a powerful tool that when negative forces take hold it is very difficult to reverse or nip in the bud.
Part of alcoholism is low self esteem. It just is. That nagging feeling of not being good enough is never far away. It has got better over the years, but since turning 42 it has come back strongly.
Why? I suppose many reasons. One of which is what it means to be a man. 42 without a mortgage, home, family, kids - hasn't been an issue to me in the past. Yes it's nagged me deep down, but this week it's really done a number on me. It's made me question my whole being.
Have I been avoiding things? Is it deep rooted fear? Am I great at covering it all up? Am I delaying the inevitable? Isn't it my job to build, procreate and provide? How much of a man am I really? How much of my sobriety have I dedicated to covering all this shit up with looks, massive quiff, sculpted abs, chiselled biceps, Ironman triathlons and promiscuity? As long as I look good right? Who really wants to address that deep rooted painful ugly stuff? Am I too needy? Am I co-dependant? The list goes on and on.
When in that messy bog of self pity my head has taken me to dark, negative places. And of course it doesn't have an off button. It just goes deeper and deeper. I have punished myself for putting more store in the outside and severely neglecting the inside.
Being hard on oneself is also another classic alcoholic egoic thing. It's like pride in reverse. Beating oneself up, punishing yourself for what you haven't done, concentrating on the negative over the good stuff is a sign you are bang in your disease. That's where I've been this week.
Is it that Deep down I have such little self regard that I kill myself with cigarettes, diet coke, little sleep, poor diet, sugar binges, obsessions, kinks and capers. I continue to use many things to avoid feeling my feelings. Am I running away? Delaying that inevitable judgment day when you have to face up to the truth, walk through the fear and face the pain?
Oh no am I going to turn into one of those wankers who blames the trauma of their childhood?!! Pass me the sick bucket now!! See I have to make a joke of it. Plus I have to make myself hide the vulnerability by slating people who face up to childhood trauma. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact it is braver to deal with that and face up to deep rooted fears than it is to delay them and act in disease. It's easier to cover up with the armour of arrogance or not give a shit than it is to really go into the nitty gritty (not in a self obsessed way I add, but in a courageous healthy way to free yourself to live life) - I suspect that's a harsh bout of truth I've just told myself there.
Maybe I place myself in positions to feel shit about myself because deep down that's what I think I deserve. It's like I'm drawn to it in many ways. Ever been in a relationship longer than you should because you feel it's what you deserve? Ever not asked for enough money in your job because of the fear of being sacked? Ever not done something you love because of fear of failure. It all comes from the same place. Low self esteem and self hatred. Addicts are riddled with it deep down.
All people have it. We are not superior in that regard. But normal people shrug it off and get on with it. I tend to wallow in it. An awful trait I have but I have it.
It is a continual self sabotage of the highest order. Stop killing yourself with drink and drugs but find a host of other more subtle ways to do the job.
It's been pretty bad 'under the bonnet' this week. Of course I've put my whistle on, quiffed my hair, turned up for work and put on the armour. Everybody I meet says, 'you look great'. And I do. I really do. I know I'm a decent looking chap and I look better than I ever have in my life. But Nobody would know the cracker factory below. Nobody would ever guess of the insecurity, low self esteem lurking within. I cover it well. When I'm busy I forget this head and these feelings but when I return back to my head - man they are strong. Hide it with the quiff Nick. It's all in the quiff.
I feel a fraud for writing this. The inside Job was to see if I could arrest these bad habits and things I pursue to get 'under the bonnet' of the disease. To change. But, if I'm honest I feel I am just pushing paper around, skirting around the sides and deep 'in it', which on a bad day means this blog is effectively redundant. Who wants to hear about someone talking about wanting to change but not doing it?
Frustrating no doubt for people who know me, love me, read this and pretty dull for those who don't.
It just makes me think I have barely scratched the surface of the disease. I am thinking the Inside Job is a lifetime work. I am not cured. I am merely beginning to see the scale of it and begin to gain some kind of self awareness.
That's great but the ultimate one is positive action.
I felt a little odd today. Woke up slightly needy and in fear. I have my reasons why.
I went to a meeting and heard some good stuff. One lady was talking about mindfulness and taking time to appreciate her life even the mundane stuff. I thought to myself, 'I like that concept I will try that today"
Then as soon as I left the meeting, I completely forgot about that and got straight back on the text. What the fuck is wrong with me! Addicted to the sodding I-Phone. At least alcohol or crack is hard-core. IPhone addiction is so modern and lame. It's embarrassing.
I went home and reluctantly did some chores. Swearing all the way that poor me had to do these things on my day off. Mindful gratitude was not on my list of emotions I was experiencing.
I thought of my Dad. When I was young he was always swearing at having to do dull shit around the house and made everyone know he hated it and couldn't be arsed. He was a raging alcoholic and a terminal self seeker.
Here I was at 42, 13 years sober doing exactly the same. Like father like son. One alcoholic to another. Difference is I can recognise that kind of behaviour. 13 years gives you that at least.
Then I went for a run and I bumped into a friend who is a mindfulness meditation teacher. I had a few lessons with her back in January and started to do it every day. I have to admit it did help and I felt some kind of connection with a higher force.
I packed it in when I got a full time job. Is it a coincidence I bumped into her?
Since working full time I have slipped right back into me. Self seeking, busy, caning the DC and fags. Chasing things. Being in self will. It helps of course if you solely concentrate on your work and you become focused on that. Brings some kind of success but at what cost?
I've also found myself slipping into other obsessions which have driven me and been at the forefront of my mind. Trouble is I'd rather do that than meditate.
But by bumping into her, having a chat, I went home and did 10 minutes. OK my mind was wandering more than a spider with 18 legs. But I did have moments of peace. It is clearly something to try.
I now feel differently. Less needy, less in fear, less shit.
I'm not fixed or healed. I've still gunned a can of DC whilst writing this and I'm itching for a cig. But I'm going to commit to meditation every day. I'm really not that busy that I cant do it - who knows it maybe good for me. What have I got to lose?
20 minutes less in Radio Nick FM, listening to his favourite show 'self will run riot' can only be a good thing.
I'll be back on form soon readers and you won't have to put up with this whiny drivel for much longer. Still this is brutally honest and It will get better. I truly believe I will succeed. I will change. And I will do it by laying open all this dark horrible shit and we will do it together. Its just I'm going to write a book about it and you'll have to spend £18.99 getting the answer of how.
That's a long term goal/vision by the way. We've got to have dreams right?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Day 155 - Step 7 - Humbly Asked Him to Remove Stuff
I've been attending AA for 13 years now. It has included thousands of meetings, hundreds of prayers, reading the steps and the book numerous times and hearing 'the message of recovery' over and over again.
So why is it that I totally forget I'm an alcoholic and act in my self will so much of the time?
They do say that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you, you haven't got it. It also highlights why regular meetings help, otherwise we forget and naturally slip into old habits. I know I do.
So despite the hundreds of hours of recovery I went to a step 7 meeting tonight and thought to myself, "oh yeah, step 7. I forgot about that".
Quick synopsis for those of you who are not addicts/alcoholics or well versed in the old 12 step recovery thing and what step 7 is.
Behind the substance lays the disease that makes up the addict/alcoholic. The disease centres in the mind and helps to make the addict think/feel in a certain way so that using a substance is the only thing they can think/want to deal with that way of thinking. Make sense? it's almost as if the disease drives you into being that way. You have little or no choice when you're in it.
Take the alcohol out of a fruit cake and you're still left with a fruitcake. Same with an alcoholic. Take away the substance and you're left with the personality, defects and mental twists that force you to drink/use substances. Without a deep psychic change then very little or any long lasting sobriety can be usually be found.
We are governed by 100 forms of fear, worry, self loathing, self hatred, jealousy, envy, grandiosity and ego mania - without a programme of living or some treatment on a psychological scale we are doomed to using.
This is the spiritual side of the disease. The physical is in putting down the substance. The mental is in examining the reasons behind it and the spiritual is the trying to move away from the natural instincts of the alcoholic that puts you closer to that substance. Are you with me?
They are all deeply human emotions, no different from what we all experience but they tend to run riot in the addict, max out and nearly always end in some kind of self sabotaging blast. Trouble is the addict has zero control or off button and the phenomenon of craving is established and they will not stop until they pass out, black or are punched out.
I experience it with many things. Adrenaline. Sex. Love. Food. Excitement. Not so with drugs or alcohol anymore but in many other areas where you get a sense of adventure and excitement and it kicks off that 'thing' in you that you want more and more and more and more.
Ultimately addiction is a greedy sod that will stop at nothing. There are no amount of muffins in this world that will satisfy it when I start that sugar craving. No amount of sex or relationships that can slate that thirst once the beast is unleashed.
That's not to say it is out of control all the time. Take today for example. I woke up, I prayed, I meditated for 5 mins, I did some work. I felt a vague whiff of fear and 'less thanism'. Not sure why or how or what against, just a free floating anxiety.
I went to a business meeting, got a large does of less than from the person I met who had bought a property for £600k and sold it for £750k and on my merry way I went.
I got back home, did some work and my mind drifted to more unspiritual matters as it does when I am disturbed.
I went to the meeting. It was step 7. 'Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings', listened to the reading, criticised what people shared in my head, came in with a slightly egoic final share and buggered off home.
Now nothing bad happened today, nothing dramatic but I realised in my head, through listening to the reading that I have been mostly operating in my own will/head and defects for a few weeks now. No hint of spiritual connection to a higher power. No perspective. No spiritual axis.
Instead it's been constant thought of job, work, new App, girlfriend, acting out, unspiritual obsessions, me, what i'm going to get, what i'm not going to get, what other people are going to do against me. Me. Me. Me. Self will run riot. Self centred fear Maybe not to a large debilitating level but a low level hint throughout. Enough to make me want to act out in certain ways to take my mind off it. Are you still with me?
Jesus, I didn't realise until I heard the reading that alcoholism is self will run riot (though they usually don't think so) and that it's ego mania and self centred fear. Exactly the things that drive me without me knowing it.
Step 7 is a rallying call to seek a connection with a higher power and ask for help to move away from the chronic self will addicts and alcoholics seem to bathe in. I know I do. It's just I rarely see it in myself until I hear it in another or hear it read out in a book. I see myself through the reflection of others.
I was so stirred by the meeting, by the reading and step 7 I sped home to immediately write a blog about me. Yes, you've guessed it I am self centred to the extreme and I simply had to write about it.
Placing anything above spiritual connection is always a bad idea but oh so appealing. God or a higher power is always last on the list of things to make me feel better. Usually the list is along the lines of;
1 -Sex
2 - Sex
3 - woman
4 - money
5 - True Detective - DVD Box sets
6 - Liverpool FC
7 - Ice cream
8 - unspiritual videos
9 - gym
10 - Cricket
11 - Aircrash Investigation
12 - Nazi Megastructures
13 - Books
14 - Writing
15 - Liver sausage
16 - Cowboy boots
17 - Job
18 - Sex
19 - Meetings
20 - God
That pretty much sums my head up. So when I hear Step 7 read out and that my problem centres in my mind and I suffer from self will and self centred fear I think, 'That's it'. That's the answer.
I feel so good. It makes sense. I feel an ease and comfort and vow to work on my spiritual connection more and connect with my higher power. I walk out with a spring in my step and feel like I have a design for living.
Well, that's until I get back in my car, switch on my phone, check What's App, look at Facebook, check my Twitter account and race back home to put on episode 5 of True Detectives. I'm not even going to go into to the other stuff. That's off limits. But man is it so easy to climb back into self will.
I suppose at least I had some kind of spiritual perception for an hour. Better than nothing right? That's some kind of progress. There are so many layers of self will it's fascinating. I'm now going to retreat back to layer 2. It's when you get to 9 you better start worrying. That usually happens after a week of no meetings. At least I have a few days to go yet then.
Did all you non recovery people follow that blog? Not sure I did either if I'm honest and I've been doing the sodding thing for 13 years.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
So why is it that I totally forget I'm an alcoholic and act in my self will so much of the time?
They do say that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you, you haven't got it. It also highlights why regular meetings help, otherwise we forget and naturally slip into old habits. I know I do.
So despite the hundreds of hours of recovery I went to a step 7 meeting tonight and thought to myself, "oh yeah, step 7. I forgot about that".
Quick synopsis for those of you who are not addicts/alcoholics or well versed in the old 12 step recovery thing and what step 7 is.
Behind the substance lays the disease that makes up the addict/alcoholic. The disease centres in the mind and helps to make the addict think/feel in a certain way so that using a substance is the only thing they can think/want to deal with that way of thinking. Make sense? it's almost as if the disease drives you into being that way. You have little or no choice when you're in it.
Take the alcohol out of a fruit cake and you're still left with a fruitcake. Same with an alcoholic. Take away the substance and you're left with the personality, defects and mental twists that force you to drink/use substances. Without a deep psychic change then very little or any long lasting sobriety can be usually be found.
We are governed by 100 forms of fear, worry, self loathing, self hatred, jealousy, envy, grandiosity and ego mania - without a programme of living or some treatment on a psychological scale we are doomed to using.
This is the spiritual side of the disease. The physical is in putting down the substance. The mental is in examining the reasons behind it and the spiritual is the trying to move away from the natural instincts of the alcoholic that puts you closer to that substance. Are you with me?
They are all deeply human emotions, no different from what we all experience but they tend to run riot in the addict, max out and nearly always end in some kind of self sabotaging blast. Trouble is the addict has zero control or off button and the phenomenon of craving is established and they will not stop until they pass out, black or are punched out.
I experience it with many things. Adrenaline. Sex. Love. Food. Excitement. Not so with drugs or alcohol anymore but in many other areas where you get a sense of adventure and excitement and it kicks off that 'thing' in you that you want more and more and more and more.
Ultimately addiction is a greedy sod that will stop at nothing. There are no amount of muffins in this world that will satisfy it when I start that sugar craving. No amount of sex or relationships that can slate that thirst once the beast is unleashed.
That's not to say it is out of control all the time. Take today for example. I woke up, I prayed, I meditated for 5 mins, I did some work. I felt a vague whiff of fear and 'less thanism'. Not sure why or how or what against, just a free floating anxiety.
I went to a business meeting, got a large does of less than from the person I met who had bought a property for £600k and sold it for £750k and on my merry way I went.
I got back home, did some work and my mind drifted to more unspiritual matters as it does when I am disturbed.
I went to the meeting. It was step 7. 'Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings', listened to the reading, criticised what people shared in my head, came in with a slightly egoic final share and buggered off home.
Now nothing bad happened today, nothing dramatic but I realised in my head, through listening to the reading that I have been mostly operating in my own will/head and defects for a few weeks now. No hint of spiritual connection to a higher power. No perspective. No spiritual axis.
Instead it's been constant thought of job, work, new App, girlfriend, acting out, unspiritual obsessions, me, what i'm going to get, what i'm not going to get, what other people are going to do against me. Me. Me. Me. Self will run riot. Self centred fear Maybe not to a large debilitating level but a low level hint throughout. Enough to make me want to act out in certain ways to take my mind off it. Are you still with me?
Jesus, I didn't realise until I heard the reading that alcoholism is self will run riot (though they usually don't think so) and that it's ego mania and self centred fear. Exactly the things that drive me without me knowing it.
Step 7 is a rallying call to seek a connection with a higher power and ask for help to move away from the chronic self will addicts and alcoholics seem to bathe in. I know I do. It's just I rarely see it in myself until I hear it in another or hear it read out in a book. I see myself through the reflection of others.
I was so stirred by the meeting, by the reading and step 7 I sped home to immediately write a blog about me. Yes, you've guessed it I am self centred to the extreme and I simply had to write about it.
Placing anything above spiritual connection is always a bad idea but oh so appealing. God or a higher power is always last on the list of things to make me feel better. Usually the list is along the lines of;
1 -Sex
2 - Sex
3 - woman
4 - money
5 - True Detective - DVD Box sets
6 - Liverpool FC
7 - Ice cream
8 - unspiritual videos
9 - gym
10 - Cricket
11 - Aircrash Investigation
12 - Nazi Megastructures
13 - Books
14 - Writing
15 - Liver sausage
16 - Cowboy boots
17 - Job
18 - Sex
19 - Meetings
20 - God
That pretty much sums my head up. So when I hear Step 7 read out and that my problem centres in my mind and I suffer from self will and self centred fear I think, 'That's it'. That's the answer.
I feel so good. It makes sense. I feel an ease and comfort and vow to work on my spiritual connection more and connect with my higher power. I walk out with a spring in my step and feel like I have a design for living.
Well, that's until I get back in my car, switch on my phone, check What's App, look at Facebook, check my Twitter account and race back home to put on episode 5 of True Detectives. I'm not even going to go into to the other stuff. That's off limits. But man is it so easy to climb back into self will.
I suppose at least I had some kind of spiritual perception for an hour. Better than nothing right? That's some kind of progress. There are so many layers of self will it's fascinating. I'm now going to retreat back to layer 2. It's when you get to 9 you better start worrying. That usually happens after a week of no meetings. At least I have a few days to go yet then.
Did all you non recovery people follow that blog? Not sure I did either if I'm honest and I've been doing the sodding thing for 13 years.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Day 154 - Turning 42
It was my birthday this week. I was born on 4th September 1972 at 3.30am in Llanelli. I am 42 and officially middle aged. I was the youngest of 3 boys. My mother wanted a girl so badly she pretended I was a girl for the first 2 days of my life. That may explain a lot.
I'm never really that fussed about birthdays. Especially when you get to my age. But I have to admit I never thought I would look or feel like this at 42.
When I was young 42 seemed like a proper grown up. Usually you would be married, have a side parton, be wearing some kind of knitwear, have kids, a job, a pension and be what to the outside world is a mature adult. I'm still waiting on that one.
A guy at a meeting last night was wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that said "I'm pretending to be a responsible adult." Pretty much summed it up for me.
I've never really thought about age until this Birthday. For some reason, having a grown up full time job and lots of other things made me think about where I'm at and what I'm doing. I've never really had a game plan for life, if I'm honest. This year made me think, 'perhaps I should?'
Turning 42 has made me think, "what do I want?" "Where do I want to go?" "Who do I want to be?". It's not a full blown mid life crisis. Hopefully I'll stave that off for another few years. But it definitely got me thinking.
I do feel different. Even from last year, even 40. Definitely from my 30's. This may sound ridiculous but I do feel more mature. Measured. Like I'm gaining more perspective. Dare I say it in some quarters more at ease with myself.
Don't get me wrong I'm still rash, dive into things, act obsessively and set far too much faith in outside things to fill up my head and life, but I can see a glimmer of something else that I simply couldn't before.
I notice where I fuck up or misbehave much quicker now. The trick will be to see it before I do it and act differently. I'm still working on that one.
Someone said to me they thought I had avoided any responsibility over my life because of my childhood and it was about time I took control and got stuck in. (I'm presuming they meant commitment, marriage, kids, building that kind of thing)
It was a bit harsh. We are all different and not everyone has to follow convention. But it did hit a nerve because deep down there has always been an element of fear and rejection that has made me avoid commitment and serious long term situations. My defects have driven me deep down and I'm beginning to see and understand that.
Brutal self honesty is painful, embarrassing but good. It is a process to find the right balance. We cannot tyranise ourselves and claim avoiding responsibility is purely because of self centred fear. It's also a life human decision to want to enjoy yourself and be free. You're a long time dead.
But accepting yourself and your past, your defects and deficiencies is healthy. When we accept our good and bad we no longer have to worry about it so much. Fuck it, life is really too short. Who said we must be perfect anyway? Oh yes, my perfectionism of course.
I got some amazing presents a 42 man should get. A beautiful formal shirt (white cuffs and collars), a watch, some de-hairing products for nose, ears, beard and back (because now I am running into the random hair age), grooming products, a tablet with keyboard for writing, a sex product, a great book, a detective DVD box set, a writing journal and some quality aftershave. How lucky am I? Quality Mans gifts there. What a lucky boy.
The week has been the usual roller coaster of normality and self induced obsessional madness. No change there. All self sabotage of course. I find the most weird and wonderful ways to make myself feel awful. One day it will all be in a book but I just cant share it on a public forum.
My life is pretty busy at the moment. Lots going on so it has been difficult to write but I will try and and keep it up this week. Promise. I know it's not exactly earth shattering material at the moment but just wanted you to know I'm still up for The Inside Job. Hope you are too.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I'm never really that fussed about birthdays. Especially when you get to my age. But I have to admit I never thought I would look or feel like this at 42.
When I was young 42 seemed like a proper grown up. Usually you would be married, have a side parton, be wearing some kind of knitwear, have kids, a job, a pension and be what to the outside world is a mature adult. I'm still waiting on that one.
A guy at a meeting last night was wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that said "I'm pretending to be a responsible adult." Pretty much summed it up for me.
I've never really thought about age until this Birthday. For some reason, having a grown up full time job and lots of other things made me think about where I'm at and what I'm doing. I've never really had a game plan for life, if I'm honest. This year made me think, 'perhaps I should?'
Turning 42 has made me think, "what do I want?" "Where do I want to go?" "Who do I want to be?". It's not a full blown mid life crisis. Hopefully I'll stave that off for another few years. But it definitely got me thinking.
I do feel different. Even from last year, even 40. Definitely from my 30's. This may sound ridiculous but I do feel more mature. Measured. Like I'm gaining more perspective. Dare I say it in some quarters more at ease with myself.
Don't get me wrong I'm still rash, dive into things, act obsessively and set far too much faith in outside things to fill up my head and life, but I can see a glimmer of something else that I simply couldn't before.
I notice where I fuck up or misbehave much quicker now. The trick will be to see it before I do it and act differently. I'm still working on that one.
Someone said to me they thought I had avoided any responsibility over my life because of my childhood and it was about time I took control and got stuck in. (I'm presuming they meant commitment, marriage, kids, building that kind of thing)
It was a bit harsh. We are all different and not everyone has to follow convention. But it did hit a nerve because deep down there has always been an element of fear and rejection that has made me avoid commitment and serious long term situations. My defects have driven me deep down and I'm beginning to see and understand that.
Brutal self honesty is painful, embarrassing but good. It is a process to find the right balance. We cannot tyranise ourselves and claim avoiding responsibility is purely because of self centred fear. It's also a life human decision to want to enjoy yourself and be free. You're a long time dead.
But accepting yourself and your past, your defects and deficiencies is healthy. When we accept our good and bad we no longer have to worry about it so much. Fuck it, life is really too short. Who said we must be perfect anyway? Oh yes, my perfectionism of course.
I got some amazing presents a 42 man should get. A beautiful formal shirt (white cuffs and collars), a watch, some de-hairing products for nose, ears, beard and back (because now I am running into the random hair age), grooming products, a tablet with keyboard for writing, a sex product, a great book, a detective DVD box set, a writing journal and some quality aftershave. How lucky am I? Quality Mans gifts there. What a lucky boy.
The week has been the usual roller coaster of normality and self induced obsessional madness. No change there. All self sabotage of course. I find the most weird and wonderful ways to make myself feel awful. One day it will all be in a book but I just cant share it on a public forum.
My life is pretty busy at the moment. Lots going on so it has been difficult to write but I will try and and keep it up this week. Promise. I know it's not exactly earth shattering material at the moment but just wanted you to know I'm still up for The Inside Job. Hope you are too.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Day 154 - Hitting the Real Inside Job - Getting to the Good Stuff!
Saturday morning. The end of a hectic week and start of a well needed weekend break. But what if you're head doesn't switch off? Is that 'a relaxing break'? Sometimes a break from the head is better than a break from work.
I'm not writing the blog as much at the moment. Why? Well if I'm honest I've had/got some life things going on that I'd love to write about but it's simply not appropriate at this stage.
Many issues and themes are swirling around. Relationships, personal conduct, thought processes, self sabotage, actions, co-dependency, addiction, obsession, neediness, low self esteem, dishonesty, character defects, work, future, life, sex, childhood issues, people pleasing, alcoholism. Christ the list is endless.
Don't think I'm being a self obsessed drama queen here. I'm not. But recent events have brought up so much and made me reflect on where I've been and where I'm at. It's just not appropriate to write publicly about them. Sometimes you face some stark truths about yourself and it is a little overwhelming/scary. Usually they are brought up around romance or finance.
I am beginning to realise that I have been acting in character defects for rather a long time. When you hit 13 years sober. People tend to think because you don't drink and attend a recovery programme that everything is sorted. Oh no! It's only just warming up! You have to get into long term sobriety to really start to understand some deep issues that drive you. That's the stage I'm hitting now. I'm getting to the good stuff!
When you really look under the bonnet you begin to see the subtle character traits and behavioural patterns that have existed since childhood. If you add addiction/alcoholism into the mix it's a powerful set of behavioural patterns that usually don't reveal themselves because they are buried so deep. It takes time to see them and usually you have to be brought to your knees in order to want to do something about it.
I'm not quite on my knees but recent events have made me see a lot about myself and my make up and it's been an eye opener to say the least.
That is not to say that one must fall into naval gazing self serving. That doesn't work either. But when you begin to realise that much of your behaviour has been based upon self centred fear and deep defective characteristics without you even knowing (or maybe you do you just don't want to face them) You are left with a decision. A)Are you ready to do something about them? or B)Suffer the consequences of staying in them?
Change for some, (me included) is something that happens centimetre by agonisingly centimetre. Its a slow process, but that's OK. Change is a journey. It's all really a process. The trouble is the casualties along the way.
The thing about addiction or alcoholism is that the addict is essentially driven by a selfish need. Either for approval, love or affirmation in order to make up for the complete and utter lack of self love and self esteem. Lives are ruined by this in many forms. I don't need to go through the list, but why is it that our divorce rate is so high? Why do we use more anti-depressants than any other country? Why is our drinking rate higher? Or maybe people just go through life unhappy, in a series of failed relationships or dysfunction. Most are not even aware.
There is a dysfunction that goes way beyond the drinking or drug taking. So many subtle forms. Individual, family, structural, society.
This is not self pity or 'poor me', it's fact. I have never felt good enough. My insides have rarely matched my out. For me my life has been one long journey of searching for external things to make me feel better about myself and fill up that yearning 'hole' inside. It's a cliché but true. Whether it comes from childhood, family orientation, addiction or learned behaviour is irrelevant right now.
The need for outside happiness is ultimately a futile existence. Nothing can ever fill it up. No human force or 'thing'. In AA they say that a higher power will. In truth I have fought against that for 13 years. Yes I've done the meetings, prayed to whatever God there is and done what's said on the tin. The result? 13 years of continuous sobriety.
But inside I have rebelled and fought against it. No-one would ever see of course on the surface. But I have fought against this higher power. I'd rather find it in a woman, relationship, food, sex, shopping, money, power, affirmation, popularity - whatever. I've tried them all (other than money and power because I've been a chronic under-earner and waster which is another thing driven from character defects like fear, low self-esteem and sloth)
So where am I going with all this? Well it's the inside job isn't it? That's the reason I wrote this blog. The pain of getting there. I'd love to be graphic and expose the real truth but I have a life to lead, a job to do and people in my life to consider.
That's why therapy, or meetings or counselling are private and anonymous so you can explore these things privately. One doesn't need to put things out publicly. I know my family think I give too much away as it is. Which is a fair shout in some quarters, but I'm still very interested in this shared ideal. This shared recovery. This shared journey to the Inside Job.
I just think it's going to take a little longer than I imagined. How are you fixed for the next 40 years readers?!! Are you in it for the long haul?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
I'm not writing the blog as much at the moment. Why? Well if I'm honest I've had/got some life things going on that I'd love to write about but it's simply not appropriate at this stage.
Many issues and themes are swirling around. Relationships, personal conduct, thought processes, self sabotage, actions, co-dependency, addiction, obsession, neediness, low self esteem, dishonesty, character defects, work, future, life, sex, childhood issues, people pleasing, alcoholism. Christ the list is endless.
Don't think I'm being a self obsessed drama queen here. I'm not. But recent events have brought up so much and made me reflect on where I've been and where I'm at. It's just not appropriate to write publicly about them. Sometimes you face some stark truths about yourself and it is a little overwhelming/scary. Usually they are brought up around romance or finance.
I am beginning to realise that I have been acting in character defects for rather a long time. When you hit 13 years sober. People tend to think because you don't drink and attend a recovery programme that everything is sorted. Oh no! It's only just warming up! You have to get into long term sobriety to really start to understand some deep issues that drive you. That's the stage I'm hitting now. I'm getting to the good stuff!
When you really look under the bonnet you begin to see the subtle character traits and behavioural patterns that have existed since childhood. If you add addiction/alcoholism into the mix it's a powerful set of behavioural patterns that usually don't reveal themselves because they are buried so deep. It takes time to see them and usually you have to be brought to your knees in order to want to do something about it.
I'm not quite on my knees but recent events have made me see a lot about myself and my make up and it's been an eye opener to say the least.
That is not to say that one must fall into naval gazing self serving. That doesn't work either. But when you begin to realise that much of your behaviour has been based upon self centred fear and deep defective characteristics without you even knowing (or maybe you do you just don't want to face them) You are left with a decision. A)Are you ready to do something about them? or B)Suffer the consequences of staying in them?
Change for some, (me included) is something that happens centimetre by agonisingly centimetre. Its a slow process, but that's OK. Change is a journey. It's all really a process. The trouble is the casualties along the way.
The thing about addiction or alcoholism is that the addict is essentially driven by a selfish need. Either for approval, love or affirmation in order to make up for the complete and utter lack of self love and self esteem. Lives are ruined by this in many forms. I don't need to go through the list, but why is it that our divorce rate is so high? Why do we use more anti-depressants than any other country? Why is our drinking rate higher? Or maybe people just go through life unhappy, in a series of failed relationships or dysfunction. Most are not even aware.
There is a dysfunction that goes way beyond the drinking or drug taking. So many subtle forms. Individual, family, structural, society.
This is not self pity or 'poor me', it's fact. I have never felt good enough. My insides have rarely matched my out. For me my life has been one long journey of searching for external things to make me feel better about myself and fill up that yearning 'hole' inside. It's a cliché but true. Whether it comes from childhood, family orientation, addiction or learned behaviour is irrelevant right now.
The need for outside happiness is ultimately a futile existence. Nothing can ever fill it up. No human force or 'thing'. In AA they say that a higher power will. In truth I have fought against that for 13 years. Yes I've done the meetings, prayed to whatever God there is and done what's said on the tin. The result? 13 years of continuous sobriety.
But inside I have rebelled and fought against it. No-one would ever see of course on the surface. But I have fought against this higher power. I'd rather find it in a woman, relationship, food, sex, shopping, money, power, affirmation, popularity - whatever. I've tried them all (other than money and power because I've been a chronic under-earner and waster which is another thing driven from character defects like fear, low self-esteem and sloth)
So where am I going with all this? Well it's the inside job isn't it? That's the reason I wrote this blog. The pain of getting there. I'd love to be graphic and expose the real truth but I have a life to lead, a job to do and people in my life to consider.
That's why therapy, or meetings or counselling are private and anonymous so you can explore these things privately. One doesn't need to put things out publicly. I know my family think I give too much away as it is. Which is a fair shout in some quarters, but I'm still very interested in this shared ideal. This shared recovery. This shared journey to the Inside Job.
I just think it's going to take a little longer than I imagined. How are you fixed for the next 40 years readers?!! Are you in it for the long haul?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Day 153 - Ice Bucket Challenge - For a good cause or a chance to flex the pecks?
The Ice Bucket Challenge appears to be taking over the world. It's gone nuts.
Facebook timelines and social media channels are clogged up with soggy friends having ice cold buckets of water deposited on their noddle.
I was nominated yesterday. I found it a splendid opportunity for those of us who are saddled with chronic vanity and narcissism to rip off the shirt, flex the pecks and get semi naked on social media. All in a good cause.
Brilliant! A Freedom pass to display rampant vanity. This is an opportunity that doesn't come about very often. When you post a selfie with your guns out you quite rightly get tons of abuse for being a twat. That kind of vanity stirs all kind of hatred in people. "What a self obsessed wanker" most people will mutter.
But stick a charity viral social media craze onto it, bolt on a good cause of raising money & awareness for a little known disease and bingo. Those haters cannot hate. It's impossible to have a pop at anyone's vanity if they've bunged £10 into the pot.
It's a very modern fundraiser. Tapping into our endless vanity and 'selfie' obsession generated by social media. We are becoming ever more narcissistic as a society and this taps into it nicely. First we had 'no make up selfie' for breast cancer, then it was 'cock in sock' for testicular cancer. (No chance I was doing that. Not having my tackle in a pop sock laughed at on social media) and now we have 'The Ice Bucket Challenge' for ALS. The idea is that the feeling of ice cold water is as close to the feeling people who suffer with ALS have all the time yet a thousand times worse.
It's perfect for the modern culture. I mean lets face it most of us don't give a shit do we? I mean we say all the right things and donate when we can because we're all decent people, but how many of us knew what it was? How many actually bothered to donate, or actually do anything?
It's not our fault. We live in a world of immediate messages and every expanding distractions. We are constantly bombarded with requests for money. But beyond the normal, "Oh isn't it terrible let's give some money" we move on and go back to our normal lives of essentially thinking about ourselves most of the time. It's the human condition.
Unless you have a family member or someone close who has been affected by a disease it's very unlikely that we will actually give too much attention. After all there are so many diseases and suffering it's impossible to donate or give attention to them all. Plus charities are becoming increasingly sophisticated, clever and aggressive to raise money. The charity space is crowded and there is only a limited amount of money available that people can give. Yet this is a success. Because it's more about US than the charity. Sorry to say the harsh truth.
From my perspective, I've done several marathons and Ironman triathlons for charities and raised several thousands of pounds. So I feel I am able to comment on this. Some of them I've done because I wanted to do the marathon more than raise the money. The charitable money raised was a by product of what was essentially a selfish act. That's what the ice bucket challenge is and it's genius.
Utilising technology, social media and the psyche of modern culture to generate funds and a little awareness. I'm on board with it.
Despite me being cynical and not a 'joiner inner' of modern fads, I was nominated and I felt it a duty to get involved. Plus as I said I had a guilt free opportunity to get the guns out. Perfect.
Plus on a basic human level it does connect friends, people from across the world and celebrities as one. Kind of makes you feel closer as mankind (well, for 5 minutes anyway)
There are of course many knob-heads that fall over, do it on a wall or a quarry and are accidents waiting to happen. That is natural selection. There will always be idiots in this world. That's just the way it goes I'm afraid. Part and parcel of human nature. Plus accidents are accidents - some of which if you search hard on Facebook are fucking hilarious.
It will soon be over. Another few days and our timelines will be back to normal with endless videos of dogs smiling or people exclaiming "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS!!!!!!!
If you are a miserable sod like all my 3 nominations and not do it, be old school and donate quietly.(link below) £48 million in less than a month. Impressive, I think I may have to think up a viral craze to fund a book and speaker tour.
http://www.alsa.org/donate/
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Facebook timelines and social media channels are clogged up with soggy friends having ice cold buckets of water deposited on their noddle.
I was nominated yesterday. I found it a splendid opportunity for those of us who are saddled with chronic vanity and narcissism to rip off the shirt, flex the pecks and get semi naked on social media. All in a good cause.
Brilliant! A Freedom pass to display rampant vanity. This is an opportunity that doesn't come about very often. When you post a selfie with your guns out you quite rightly get tons of abuse for being a twat. That kind of vanity stirs all kind of hatred in people. "What a self obsessed wanker" most people will mutter.
But stick a charity viral social media craze onto it, bolt on a good cause of raising money & awareness for a little known disease and bingo. Those haters cannot hate. It's impossible to have a pop at anyone's vanity if they've bunged £10 into the pot.
It's a very modern fundraiser. Tapping into our endless vanity and 'selfie' obsession generated by social media. We are becoming ever more narcissistic as a society and this taps into it nicely. First we had 'no make up selfie' for breast cancer, then it was 'cock in sock' for testicular cancer. (No chance I was doing that. Not having my tackle in a pop sock laughed at on social media) and now we have 'The Ice Bucket Challenge' for ALS. The idea is that the feeling of ice cold water is as close to the feeling people who suffer with ALS have all the time yet a thousand times worse.
It's perfect for the modern culture. I mean lets face it most of us don't give a shit do we? I mean we say all the right things and donate when we can because we're all decent people, but how many of us knew what it was? How many actually bothered to donate, or actually do anything?
It's not our fault. We live in a world of immediate messages and every expanding distractions. We are constantly bombarded with requests for money. But beyond the normal, "Oh isn't it terrible let's give some money" we move on and go back to our normal lives of essentially thinking about ourselves most of the time. It's the human condition.
Unless you have a family member or someone close who has been affected by a disease it's very unlikely that we will actually give too much attention. After all there are so many diseases and suffering it's impossible to donate or give attention to them all. Plus charities are becoming increasingly sophisticated, clever and aggressive to raise money. The charity space is crowded and there is only a limited amount of money available that people can give. Yet this is a success. Because it's more about US than the charity. Sorry to say the harsh truth.
From my perspective, I've done several marathons and Ironman triathlons for charities and raised several thousands of pounds. So I feel I am able to comment on this. Some of them I've done because I wanted to do the marathon more than raise the money. The charitable money raised was a by product of what was essentially a selfish act. That's what the ice bucket challenge is and it's genius.
Utilising technology, social media and the psyche of modern culture to generate funds and a little awareness. I'm on board with it.
Despite me being cynical and not a 'joiner inner' of modern fads, I was nominated and I felt it a duty to get involved. Plus as I said I had a guilt free opportunity to get the guns out. Perfect.
Plus on a basic human level it does connect friends, people from across the world and celebrities as one. Kind of makes you feel closer as mankind (well, for 5 minutes anyway)
There are of course many knob-heads that fall over, do it on a wall or a quarry and are accidents waiting to happen. That is natural selection. There will always be idiots in this world. That's just the way it goes I'm afraid. Part and parcel of human nature. Plus accidents are accidents - some of which if you search hard on Facebook are fucking hilarious.
It will soon be over. Another few days and our timelines will be back to normal with endless videos of dogs smiling or people exclaiming "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS!!!!!!!
If you are a miserable sod like all my 3 nominations and not do it, be old school and donate quietly.(link below) £48 million in less than a month. Impressive, I think I may have to think up a viral craze to fund a book and speaker tour.
http://www.alsa.org/donate/
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Day 152 - Restored to Sanity.....for now
Quick entry today, I usually like a long slow build up with a frenzied end, but that's a different story.
Head's been rather busy. Lot's going on inside. The pressure cooker of the past month finally caught up with me. Radio Nick FM was in full stereo.
Only by getting to my regular men's meeting tonight did the noise switch off and sanity was restored........until the next time.
Non alcoholics will identify. We all get the inner voice and chatter. Questioning, thinking, plotting, reacting, judging.
But alcoholics/addicts/alanons will REALLY identify. When the body is weak, or illness has prevailed or when you are run down, busy, tired or just have had a shit load going on, when you are low in the tank of meetings - These are the perfect conditions for the alcoholic mind to run away with itself and go on full throttle.
When I was a boy, around 10 years old, I remember my Father, a raging alcoholic, would have arguments in the back garden. He was alone. Having loud and animated discussions with imaginary people. Usually bosses from work and the discussions would always end in 'you fucking wankers'. Classic alcoholic. Full of resentment. It's why they tell us to 'let it go' in AA.
The only difference between me (in recovery) and him (Not) is that my arguments stay in my head. I get all the resentments, justifiable anger, pity, fear, worries, obsessions that most get, it's just with the mental side of alcoholism it is amplified ten times over. It can be incessant at times.
With so much life stuff going on, decisions to be made, emotional trauma of the past few weeks, I found myself trying to work everything out. A dangerous situation for alcoholics.
My head was cascading full of the past, the present and the future. I was trying to work things out. At one point I was skipping between running over the past 8 years of wasted opportunities, castigating myself for not being smart with money or taking my career more seriously, or trying to earn decent money, or taking responsibility in my life.
Then it hurtled forward several years trying to figure out if I would be able to earn enough to get married and have kids. Projecting not only my future but my imaginary wife, kids and family's too. Then I castigated myself for a lack of pension and planning. Then the self hatred tried to creep in. Once I got a handle on that I started making up conversations with people at work over situations that hadn't even happened yet. I was doing their thinking for them. The mind was in full flight form reality.
It's a weird form of insanity. Living in the past and creating people's reactions to perceived events that hadn't even happened. It's like mind reading but without the reading or the mind. It is almost always usually incorrect. But since when have facts and rational patient judgment got in the way of good old alcoholic set of resentments?
All this was going on and I was trying to think of a 4 year strategy for my job, figure out ways to do a sideline business, when to do a comedy night again and what to write today. It just went on and on.
At one point I honestly thought someone on the tube would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me but do you mind telling your brain to be quiet." It was noisy in there.
I carried on at work without anyone knowing of course. Doing my meetings, getting on with business. I have learnt to separate it these days. I am professional and even if the cracker factory was busy I ground out a decent day's work.
I had a great work meeting with someone I respect and was able to speak openly and freely. What a blessed relief. My month has been full of not being able to do that and it felt like breathing fresh air for the first time. Thank God.
Then I went to my regular Mens AA meeting, heard what I needed to hear, identified with other people who also grassed up their lunatic minds, shared mine and I felt calm again. Normal. Human. sanity restored.
Its odd. Sanity is restored by a room full of insane people all trying to get sane by being honest. There is no editing, not saying what the truth is or denying reality. It is open, honest and willing and I love that. When I get out of my way then life is OK. Thank God for AA. The spark is back.
It's hard trying to run the whole show and figure everything out. Especially when you haven't got a massive brain. I don't know why I try and do it so much. It nearly always end in some kind of short circuiting.
Anyway, fuck that. It's OK now. No damage done. No harm to others. No nuclear fall out. Just a loud day in the inside of my head. Big deal/ People are getting beheaded out there The middle East is at war. The world is going insane. Why on earth should my dull self induced madness hold any weight?
I feel guilty sharing it when there is so much 'big shit' going on. But you know what? If it stays in that cracker factory it will rot, fester, disease, multiply and grow until it becomes the sort of problem only self destruction will appeal. Then no amount of 'big shit' going on in the world will matter. That is how my lack of perspective originates.
That's why I share it
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Head's been rather busy. Lot's going on inside. The pressure cooker of the past month finally caught up with me. Radio Nick FM was in full stereo.
Only by getting to my regular men's meeting tonight did the noise switch off and sanity was restored........until the next time.
Non alcoholics will identify. We all get the inner voice and chatter. Questioning, thinking, plotting, reacting, judging.
But alcoholics/addicts/alanons will REALLY identify. When the body is weak, or illness has prevailed or when you are run down, busy, tired or just have had a shit load going on, when you are low in the tank of meetings - These are the perfect conditions for the alcoholic mind to run away with itself and go on full throttle.
When I was a boy, around 10 years old, I remember my Father, a raging alcoholic, would have arguments in the back garden. He was alone. Having loud and animated discussions with imaginary people. Usually bosses from work and the discussions would always end in 'you fucking wankers'. Classic alcoholic. Full of resentment. It's why they tell us to 'let it go' in AA.
The only difference between me (in recovery) and him (Not) is that my arguments stay in my head. I get all the resentments, justifiable anger, pity, fear, worries, obsessions that most get, it's just with the mental side of alcoholism it is amplified ten times over. It can be incessant at times.
With so much life stuff going on, decisions to be made, emotional trauma of the past few weeks, I found myself trying to work everything out. A dangerous situation for alcoholics.
My head was cascading full of the past, the present and the future. I was trying to work things out. At one point I was skipping between running over the past 8 years of wasted opportunities, castigating myself for not being smart with money or taking my career more seriously, or trying to earn decent money, or taking responsibility in my life.
Then it hurtled forward several years trying to figure out if I would be able to earn enough to get married and have kids. Projecting not only my future but my imaginary wife, kids and family's too. Then I castigated myself for a lack of pension and planning. Then the self hatred tried to creep in. Once I got a handle on that I started making up conversations with people at work over situations that hadn't even happened yet. I was doing their thinking for them. The mind was in full flight form reality.
It's a weird form of insanity. Living in the past and creating people's reactions to perceived events that hadn't even happened. It's like mind reading but without the reading or the mind. It is almost always usually incorrect. But since when have facts and rational patient judgment got in the way of good old alcoholic set of resentments?
All this was going on and I was trying to think of a 4 year strategy for my job, figure out ways to do a sideline business, when to do a comedy night again and what to write today. It just went on and on.
At one point I honestly thought someone on the tube would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me but do you mind telling your brain to be quiet." It was noisy in there.
I carried on at work without anyone knowing of course. Doing my meetings, getting on with business. I have learnt to separate it these days. I am professional and even if the cracker factory was busy I ground out a decent day's work.
I had a great work meeting with someone I respect and was able to speak openly and freely. What a blessed relief. My month has been full of not being able to do that and it felt like breathing fresh air for the first time. Thank God.
Then I went to my regular Mens AA meeting, heard what I needed to hear, identified with other people who also grassed up their lunatic minds, shared mine and I felt calm again. Normal. Human. sanity restored.
Its odd. Sanity is restored by a room full of insane people all trying to get sane by being honest. There is no editing, not saying what the truth is or denying reality. It is open, honest and willing and I love that. When I get out of my way then life is OK. Thank God for AA. The spark is back.
It's hard trying to run the whole show and figure everything out. Especially when you haven't got a massive brain. I don't know why I try and do it so much. It nearly always end in some kind of short circuiting.
Anyway, fuck that. It's OK now. No damage done. No harm to others. No nuclear fall out. Just a loud day in the inside of my head. Big deal/ People are getting beheaded out there The middle East is at war. The world is going insane. Why on earth should my dull self induced madness hold any weight?
I feel guilty sharing it when there is so much 'big shit' going on. But you know what? If it stays in that cracker factory it will rot, fester, disease, multiply and grow until it becomes the sort of problem only self destruction will appeal. Then no amount of 'big shit' going on in the world will matter. That is how my lack of perspective originates.
That's why I share it
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Day 151 - The Blog is Back and so much has happened.....
Finally I've decided to write again. It's been a month. So much has happened and if I'm honest it's been hard to pick up the keyboard and begin writing again. Why is it so much easier to get out of a habit than it is to stay in one?
Still, I'm back. I'm writing and it's the return of The Inside Job. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. I've had very little outside affirmation to feed off. A disgrace for a chronic co-dependant.
I took a break because I went away to work at The Commonwealth Games. One of the stipulations of the contract was no social media. I didn't have the time anyway. Two weeks of 16-17 hour days would have made writing impossible. God I missed posting selfies on Facebook though and writing what I was up to. It felt like 1995 all over again. No updates, no Facebook. No social media. Weird. It meant I had to actually be present and live in the moment. Terrible for the modern generation of digital junkies.
The Games were an incredible experience. Racing around sports, hosting people, showing them inside the camp, interviewing England's finest athletes, networking (I hate that word), chatting up sponsors, companies and generally being Mr Chirpy. I would urge anyone to go and experience them next time.
Mind you, Two weeks of relentless enthusiasm, chatting and being around people takes it's toll. Especially for a raging alcoholic. You have to separate out your alcoholic mind from reality and get on with things. There is no room or time for self reflection or naval gazing. You have to be constantly up, host large groups and play your role in a team. Exhausting being 'on' all the time.
It is my first time in a major sporting event and it was like a bubble. The outside world didn't exist. You have no concept of what day it is or life outside the bubble. The routine is check into hotel, don team kit (chinos or tracksuit) and you instantly become one of the team. Then it is up early, host groups to several sports, tour of the village, tour of the performance centres, more sports, then to a late night hang out to interview athletes to a rowdy group of 100 people, then back to the hotel room at 2am ready to go again at 8 the next morning.
I got by on a mixture of adrenaline, enthusiasm, caffeine, nicotine, excitement and beige chinos. I loved it (apart form the chinos). My perfect job. Who could complain about watching loads of heroic sports people and talking about it all day? Just like the Olympics it was devoid of cynicism and negativity. It made for a refreshing change.
My highlight was interviewing the Brownlee Brothers and getting their respect for being a double Ironman. One thing I had over them. Though as I pointed out, if they chose to do it they would probably do it in half the time on less cigarettes. I also walked past Prince Edward and said 'hey buddy' without realising it was him until I was told afterwards. Nothing like a bit of informality to royalty. Knob (me not him, he's actually charming. Sorry)
I also interviewed cyclists, weight-lifters, judo, wrestlers, table tennis players, runners and triathletes. All gold medal winners. I felt at home with them, as I shared my Maidenhead Under 13's Player of the Year tankard tales with these multiple Olympic and Commonwealth Games heroes.
I did it all without feeling less than or inferior. I did it with a smile and had fun, all at the end of a 16 hour day. Not bad for this little lunatic.
I decided to go in with a great attitude. My ego was twitching at me throughout though. Not being the main guvonor and organiser was always recipe for the ego to nag away. I was a worker amongst workers but it's hard to keep the raging ego under control sometimes. Especially when you think you can do better.
I had to watch the chatter in my head and two rock solid Glasgow meetings helped. It was an extraordinarily welcoming and friendly environment. I walked into a run down Community centre in the middle of Govan, a rough part of Glasgow in full England team-wear, the taxi driver even asked, 'are you sure you want to be dropped off here?' But I got an amazing welcome. Lots of handshakes and it made me think about London and my behaviour in meetings and generally. How friendly am I? How much do I reach out for others? Glasgow was so friendly it made me think how miserable and cold London is. It's like we all get into our own little 'fuck you' bubble when we hit the capital. Glasgow was the opposite.
After 2 weeks though, I was ready to come home. Very little sleep and keeping my mouth shut at resentments and things that had built up were exhausting. I managed to retain my poise and not fall out, say the truth, lose my temper or run people down (too much) but I needed to escape and iron out my alcoholic head at home.
I got back to London just under 2 weeks ago. I needed to rest, and it took my 3 days, lots of meetings, talking to my sober warriors and a couple of step 10's before the chatter in my head quietened down. The resentments eased, I saw my ego playing out and got it to manageable levels. Took a while though. I was like a shirt that had been crumpled in the corner and it took a few goes to iron it out smoothly. That's how I felt coming home.
That is the case for the alcoholic mind, when not treated it just accumulates and gets noisier, louder and more resentful until you're in right old state. At that point acting out, getting angry or drinking are good alternatives. Such is the nature of alcoholism. It needed to be treated. That's why I need, want and am a fan of 'the programme'. In truth i'd be stuffed without it.
I got sick after a few days. A nasty urinary infection. Luckily not from doing inappropriate things this time. (I must be changing I guess) but it wiped me out for a few days. Illness and being a man is a lethal combination.
I also passed 13 years sober, which was pretty remarkable. I never go overboard about these things as I put my sobriety down to a higher power not me. I hated AA so much at the start, if it was left to me in my first few years i'd never have gone to AA. Therefore my sobriety is down to something higher, not me. It is the one thing i'm not egotistical about.
It's still a good effort though and i'm pretty pleased to be in the sober gang, (seep previous paragraph as to why) - Long may it continue.
Then Robin Williams tragically killed himself. Cue big dramatic world reaction on news and social media. Enough has been written and said about it. I cant really add too much more. I don't know the full facts to make a reasonable comment. Was it bi-polar? Was it untreated alcoholism? Was it Parkinsons? Was it severe depression? Who knows - in fact why do we need to know a reason or answer? Is it to complete the story? It's like we need to blame or justify everything. There must be answer. Why. We need to know why?!! Why do we need to know why? What if there isn't an answer?
Truth is we will never know. Not even the ones closest to him will know. Here was an incredibly talented, funny, warm and generous individual who made the world laugh and brought joy to millions of people. Yet he couldn't tap into this and must have visited the darkest place. Some say he was a coward for killing himself. My experience of listening to many people who have tried, all of them said "I was too much of a coward to actually go through with it." Just goes to show how little people who make judgments know. He most definitely wasn't a coward. That much s true. Rest easy Robin. We love you down here.
There is too much ignorance, misinformation and judgment around. We live in a world obsessed by it and it is fed everyday by us even when we don't know we're doing it. Social media, comment, sharing, writing all adds to it and we are all part of the great big carousel. Me included.
Then my girlfriend went into hospital to have a tumor removed, so I've been on Dr Kildare duty the past few days. Keeping relentlessly cheerful and upbeat as the poor girl went through the whole terror, fear, worry, emotion, upset and then finally a sense of peace and calm before the operation.
It is incredible to see someone when they are at peace with themselves and the world. Only people close to death and have made friends with it tend to have that sense of calm. It is so powerful.
Anyway, she had the operation, 5 hours to remove it and I went to see her in intensive care after which shocked me. I knew she would be OK but when you see someone you love with a tube in their mouth surrounded by machines, looking so powerless and vulnerable it's deeply upsetting. You think 'what if she doesn't make it?' - that's when it hits you.
She was awake but out of it and I composed myself and started cracking jokes. I could see her trying to smile and laugh even with the tube in her mouth. I offered to replace it with something else but i'm not sure she was in the mood/fit state. But it makes my heart bleed when I see people so helpless. It made me cry.
I'm happy to report she has made a remarkably quick recovery and is in a normal ward. Free from caffata, morphine ( I did want to take the self administered drip home with me) and is up and about. People who have had major invasive surgery seem to have a different attitude when they come out. Like all the little things don't matter anymore. Intensive care really puts things into perspective.
I am a total rock at times like these and i'm generally excellent at caring for people. I know how I would want to be treated and giving people dignity and respect along with treating them normally is so important. At least that's what I do anyway. She is remarkable and it is incredible to see someone display a great attitude that aids the healing process. I must remember to apply that to my life. She has taught me a great deal.
Finally, I was offered a full time job after doing well over the last 6 months. I went in and gave it everything I had. I know it was a recovery job and i'm convinced it's been given to my by a higher power and the more I put into my recovery and more action I take, the more I am given jobs like this. I'm pretty happy, though it's around £500,000 a year too little but such is life.
If I could find a job that helps people and pays half a mill, i'd be delighted. That way I can feed my conscience and ego at the same time. Let me know if you hear of anything readers.
I have learnt so much about myself, my head, my ego, my alcoholism and people in the past few weeks.
I have learnt to back yourself. I have learnt I am rather good at what I do. I have learnt I can be derailed by negative alcoholic egoic thoughts that make my life and other's difficult and I have learnt to do recovery and not to be embarrassed or rebellious around it. I have learnt that if i'm me then everything is OK. I have learnt we are mortal and life is precious and I have learnt that I am more loved than I think.
I have also learnt I am next of kin to 2 ex-girlfriends, a current girlfriend and mother. Surely that's some kind of record. I just hope they don't all pop off at the same time.
It's good to be back
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Still, I'm back. I'm writing and it's the return of The Inside Job. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. I've had very little outside affirmation to feed off. A disgrace for a chronic co-dependant.
I took a break because I went away to work at The Commonwealth Games. One of the stipulations of the contract was no social media. I didn't have the time anyway. Two weeks of 16-17 hour days would have made writing impossible. God I missed posting selfies on Facebook though and writing what I was up to. It felt like 1995 all over again. No updates, no Facebook. No social media. Weird. It meant I had to actually be present and live in the moment. Terrible for the modern generation of digital junkies.
The Games were an incredible experience. Racing around sports, hosting people, showing them inside the camp, interviewing England's finest athletes, networking (I hate that word), chatting up sponsors, companies and generally being Mr Chirpy. I would urge anyone to go and experience them next time.
Mind you, Two weeks of relentless enthusiasm, chatting and being around people takes it's toll. Especially for a raging alcoholic. You have to separate out your alcoholic mind from reality and get on with things. There is no room or time for self reflection or naval gazing. You have to be constantly up, host large groups and play your role in a team. Exhausting being 'on' all the time.
It is my first time in a major sporting event and it was like a bubble. The outside world didn't exist. You have no concept of what day it is or life outside the bubble. The routine is check into hotel, don team kit (chinos or tracksuit) and you instantly become one of the team. Then it is up early, host groups to several sports, tour of the village, tour of the performance centres, more sports, then to a late night hang out to interview athletes to a rowdy group of 100 people, then back to the hotel room at 2am ready to go again at 8 the next morning.
I got by on a mixture of adrenaline, enthusiasm, caffeine, nicotine, excitement and beige chinos. I loved it (apart form the chinos). My perfect job. Who could complain about watching loads of heroic sports people and talking about it all day? Just like the Olympics it was devoid of cynicism and negativity. It made for a refreshing change.
My highlight was interviewing the Brownlee Brothers and getting their respect for being a double Ironman. One thing I had over them. Though as I pointed out, if they chose to do it they would probably do it in half the time on less cigarettes. I also walked past Prince Edward and said 'hey buddy' without realising it was him until I was told afterwards. Nothing like a bit of informality to royalty. Knob (me not him, he's actually charming. Sorry)
I also interviewed cyclists, weight-lifters, judo, wrestlers, table tennis players, runners and triathletes. All gold medal winners. I felt at home with them, as I shared my Maidenhead Under 13's Player of the Year tankard tales with these multiple Olympic and Commonwealth Games heroes.
I did it all without feeling less than or inferior. I did it with a smile and had fun, all at the end of a 16 hour day. Not bad for this little lunatic.
I decided to go in with a great attitude. My ego was twitching at me throughout though. Not being the main guvonor and organiser was always recipe for the ego to nag away. I was a worker amongst workers but it's hard to keep the raging ego under control sometimes. Especially when you think you can do better.
I had to watch the chatter in my head and two rock solid Glasgow meetings helped. It was an extraordinarily welcoming and friendly environment. I walked into a run down Community centre in the middle of Govan, a rough part of Glasgow in full England team-wear, the taxi driver even asked, 'are you sure you want to be dropped off here?' But I got an amazing welcome. Lots of handshakes and it made me think about London and my behaviour in meetings and generally. How friendly am I? How much do I reach out for others? Glasgow was so friendly it made me think how miserable and cold London is. It's like we all get into our own little 'fuck you' bubble when we hit the capital. Glasgow was the opposite.
After 2 weeks though, I was ready to come home. Very little sleep and keeping my mouth shut at resentments and things that had built up were exhausting. I managed to retain my poise and not fall out, say the truth, lose my temper or run people down (too much) but I needed to escape and iron out my alcoholic head at home.
I got back to London just under 2 weeks ago. I needed to rest, and it took my 3 days, lots of meetings, talking to my sober warriors and a couple of step 10's before the chatter in my head quietened down. The resentments eased, I saw my ego playing out and got it to manageable levels. Took a while though. I was like a shirt that had been crumpled in the corner and it took a few goes to iron it out smoothly. That's how I felt coming home.
That is the case for the alcoholic mind, when not treated it just accumulates and gets noisier, louder and more resentful until you're in right old state. At that point acting out, getting angry or drinking are good alternatives. Such is the nature of alcoholism. It needed to be treated. That's why I need, want and am a fan of 'the programme'. In truth i'd be stuffed without it.
I got sick after a few days. A nasty urinary infection. Luckily not from doing inappropriate things this time. (I must be changing I guess) but it wiped me out for a few days. Illness and being a man is a lethal combination.
I also passed 13 years sober, which was pretty remarkable. I never go overboard about these things as I put my sobriety down to a higher power not me. I hated AA so much at the start, if it was left to me in my first few years i'd never have gone to AA. Therefore my sobriety is down to something higher, not me. It is the one thing i'm not egotistical about.
It's still a good effort though and i'm pretty pleased to be in the sober gang, (seep previous paragraph as to why) - Long may it continue.
Then Robin Williams tragically killed himself. Cue big dramatic world reaction on news and social media. Enough has been written and said about it. I cant really add too much more. I don't know the full facts to make a reasonable comment. Was it bi-polar? Was it untreated alcoholism? Was it Parkinsons? Was it severe depression? Who knows - in fact why do we need to know a reason or answer? Is it to complete the story? It's like we need to blame or justify everything. There must be answer. Why. We need to know why?!! Why do we need to know why? What if there isn't an answer?
Truth is we will never know. Not even the ones closest to him will know. Here was an incredibly talented, funny, warm and generous individual who made the world laugh and brought joy to millions of people. Yet he couldn't tap into this and must have visited the darkest place. Some say he was a coward for killing himself. My experience of listening to many people who have tried, all of them said "I was too much of a coward to actually go through with it." Just goes to show how little people who make judgments know. He most definitely wasn't a coward. That much s true. Rest easy Robin. We love you down here.
There is too much ignorance, misinformation and judgment around. We live in a world obsessed by it and it is fed everyday by us even when we don't know we're doing it. Social media, comment, sharing, writing all adds to it and we are all part of the great big carousel. Me included.
Then my girlfriend went into hospital to have a tumor removed, so I've been on Dr Kildare duty the past few days. Keeping relentlessly cheerful and upbeat as the poor girl went through the whole terror, fear, worry, emotion, upset and then finally a sense of peace and calm before the operation.
It is incredible to see someone when they are at peace with themselves and the world. Only people close to death and have made friends with it tend to have that sense of calm. It is so powerful.
Anyway, she had the operation, 5 hours to remove it and I went to see her in intensive care after which shocked me. I knew she would be OK but when you see someone you love with a tube in their mouth surrounded by machines, looking so powerless and vulnerable it's deeply upsetting. You think 'what if she doesn't make it?' - that's when it hits you.
She was awake but out of it and I composed myself and started cracking jokes. I could see her trying to smile and laugh even with the tube in her mouth. I offered to replace it with something else but i'm not sure she was in the mood/fit state. But it makes my heart bleed when I see people so helpless. It made me cry.
I'm happy to report she has made a remarkably quick recovery and is in a normal ward. Free from caffata, morphine ( I did want to take the self administered drip home with me) and is up and about. People who have had major invasive surgery seem to have a different attitude when they come out. Like all the little things don't matter anymore. Intensive care really puts things into perspective.
I am a total rock at times like these and i'm generally excellent at caring for people. I know how I would want to be treated and giving people dignity and respect along with treating them normally is so important. At least that's what I do anyway. She is remarkable and it is incredible to see someone display a great attitude that aids the healing process. I must remember to apply that to my life. She has taught me a great deal.
Finally, I was offered a full time job after doing well over the last 6 months. I went in and gave it everything I had. I know it was a recovery job and i'm convinced it's been given to my by a higher power and the more I put into my recovery and more action I take, the more I am given jobs like this. I'm pretty happy, though it's around £500,000 a year too little but such is life.
If I could find a job that helps people and pays half a mill, i'd be delighted. That way I can feed my conscience and ego at the same time. Let me know if you hear of anything readers.
I have learnt so much about myself, my head, my ego, my alcoholism and people in the past few weeks.
I have learnt to back yourself. I have learnt I am rather good at what I do. I have learnt I can be derailed by negative alcoholic egoic thoughts that make my life and other's difficult and I have learnt to do recovery and not to be embarrassed or rebellious around it. I have learnt that if i'm me then everything is OK. I have learnt we are mortal and life is precious and I have learnt that I am more loved than I think.
I have also learnt I am next of kin to 2 ex-girlfriends, a current girlfriend and mother. Surely that's some kind of record. I just hope they don't all pop off at the same time.
It's good to be back
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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