How To Survive Christmas - 10 easy steps
by Nicholas E Evans
Christmas is upon us once again. Oh god, it seems to come around every year.
You can almost feel the tension growing with the passing of every over hyped commercial day. This year Christmas is sponsored by...........Christmas. Every advert is selling it, shops displaying it, songs jingling it, people talking about it. It's everywhere.
The pressure is so great. It's total madness. The most insane time of the year. So to help you out a little, here is my top ten tips on 'how to survive the Christmas madness'. Good luck. Yule need it (see what I did there?)
1 - Don't get sucked into the Build Up
It's like a year long wait to get laid. The pre match build up gets more hyperbole than a Royal Wedding. Everyone is whipped into a festive frenzy. We are fed an endless diet of adverts and Christmas messages. Most shops' start in the spring. Women the end of the summer and men, well we tend to start on Christmas Eve. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Don't get sucked into the build up. Go at your own pace, not the one The Hairy Bikers or Heston tells you.
2 - Ignore the Advertising
We are bombarded with constant messages. All selling us something on TV, magazines, social media, shops, billboards, Radio. The consumer brainwashing starts around November. Every TV break tries to sell you food that will make you obese, gifts that will make you in debt or booze that will make you arrested. Supermarkets are the worst, selling scenes of the perfect family xmas that just make you feel depressed, thinking, "Why haven't I got that?"
Of course in reality some people are either isolated or sit in silent resentment they have to spend it with their family. The perfect Christmas displayed in the adverts rarely exists. Watch out for their budget range designed for people on their own called, 'I can't believe I haven't Killed myself yet'. Tread carefully & avoid these horrific Supermarket compare and despair self pity fests.
Witnessing endless repeats of Ant and Dec staring over xmas food from Morrisons like it's a naked woman with Custard oozing from her slit is enough to put you off. Besides they actually make the food look OK on TV when you know that in real life it's got the taste of Simon Cowell's sweaty ring piece after a hard shift judging the X factor Xmas Special. Do not buy into the advertising propaganda, unless you're getting paid £250k like Ant & Dec. For that money I'd lick Cowell's starfish live on TV.
3 - Christmas Gifts
This is the ultimate pressure test. There are so many stressful variables. "What if they buy you a better one? What if you choose a bad one? How many are appropriate? How much should you spend? Don't worry. Presents do not define your personality, nor how much you love someone. Having said that when you get a present so badly wrong it's the beginning of the end. Thoughts like, "if they got it that wrong they can't know me very well.' Don't worry though this process takes a good few years to play out. You still have time to get it right.
It's always awkward to know where to draw the line and who to buy for. This is simple, get yourself down to Poundland and stock up on a load of deodorant 'Gift sets'. Don't get the Lynx ones mind. They set you back around £6. Get the Poundland 'own brand one'. They are a quid, granted they smell like rotting flesh but you'll be covered. Trouble is when people receive this kind of gift the subtext message is a simple, 'I hate you'. Be careful who you give them too.
For other presents try not to max out on the credit card and 'worry about it in January'. This will result in Wonga, 4000% APR, losing a Kidney to pay for it and ultimately suicide. Set your budget. Stick to it and don't be frightened to go bargain hunting.
However here's a warning. If a woman says 'don't get me much', or if they are happy 'with something you made' or 'its the thought that counts'. They're not. If you don't get them something glam, romantic or expensive they will effectively cock whip you for the next year. It's just you won't know about it. Women never ever forget.
Don't stress too much about presents. There is far too much importance attached to them. However it is not our fault. The years of rampant commercialism has brainwashed us to such an extent that if we don't get an Ipad Air from our loved ones we think they hate us and feel abandoned. Nothing than a good dose of therapy about rampant entitlement won't knock out of you though.
4 - Xmas Shopping
Make a list and then execute it with military precision. Be prepared for endless queues & confused men wandering aimlessly around looking lost. It is effectively a human zoo. A jungle. You will need patience, strength, courage, stamina and several large brandies. Chritmas shopping is not supposed to be enjoyable. Be careful of the neurotic women you will see flying around. You can tell them by their wild eyed stare trying to process 1546 things to do from their list. These are dangerous beasts. If you get in there way you will be assaulted and do not under any circumstances say, "Relax, you're supposed to be enjoying Christmas". Certain death will follow such ridiculous statements.
Don't be afraid to be bold and barter. You can pick up some real bargains. Shops are desperate for business though if you try and negotiate in Poundland you've gone too far and will be lynched.
Of course you can avoid the madness and order everything online. This is much easier. Though in order to get the atmosphere of xmas shopping fill up your house with arguing mentalists, get someone playing carols badly and play endless 'Now that's what I call Xmas' on the Ipod. Then you will really get in the spirit.
The other option for guys of course is get your wife to do it all. Throw her £500 on December 1st. Put the tree up and your work is done.
5- Health
You must look after your health over the festive period. The average male consumes around 40% more units of alcohol and calories. The phrase, 'Go on it's Christmas', seems to mean eat loads, drink loads and worry about it in January. So follow some simple handy tips to maintain health
Over-eating
How to solve the problem of eating too much? Simple, a little bit if Bulimia - granted not a traditional way of controlling your weight. However this way you can eat everything your gluttonous little mind wants and not put on a pound. The only word of warning on this is be careful not to try and bring up stollen or xmas pudding. These are too heavy and may result in puking up your innards. If you do over eat invest in some elasticated slacks for January. If you have really gone over the top double up with some Velcro slip-ons. Planning ahead is a good call.
Drinking too much
Most people drink too much this time of year. It's almost a sponsored country wide binge drink. Whether it's an xmas party, with friends or family. The crushing tedium or fake cheer demands such binge drinking. Even people who rarely drink tend to get stuck in. Be careful not to wake up in a skip though. Regular alcoholics are used to this kind of blackout but for the amateur drinker it is scary. Do not be alarmed by a blackout. It actually makes you more interesting than you really are. Try and find a crowd of people who are alcoholics. That way you can camouflage behind their heavy drinking, making yours look tame. Be kind to your liver and drink lots of water before bed. it does absolutely nothing for it, but it will make you feel at least you are making a token effort of goodwill towards it. be warned though it will give you hell in January.
Mental Health
If you over eat, over drink, over spend, under sleep and experience high levels of stress you are setting yourself up for a monumental crash after Xmas. My advice is simple. Either keep drinking heavily throughout the rest of the year and deny the oncoming crash or try not to over indulge in the first place. Prevention is better than cure.
It is crucial to look after your health. Over indulging can lead to feelings of lethargy, depression and fear. Therefore be careful not to eat the cold cuts, finish of the Milk Tray and drink the remaining Advocaat because you feel rubbish. Limit your blasts to a single day. Have a cheat day at Xmas where you eat everything you want. The rest of the time go steady otherwise it will be elasticated leisure slacks for you in the January sales.
6 - The meaning of Christmas - Spirituality
Most people's idea of feeding their soul is with Tesco canapés. Obviously as rampant commercialism has taken over the Christmas message the only spirit nourished is Brandy & coke.
It's important to feed your spirit. It is what defines us after all. Christmas jumpers or Mince Pies come and go. Ipad Air's are just material 'things'. Your soul and spirit makes who we are. It is our life force. So what are you doing this season for it?
Working with those less fortunate than yourself is a good start. Crisis at Xmas is a great way to give back to the community and also appease your guilt for being selfish the rest of the year.
If you are not religious it doesn't matter. We can all pray, help another, take time for someone on their own, give a small gift, love or smile. We can all help in some way or form. Sometimes we get lost in the panic and hype so much we lose site of loved family or even our fellow man. Time is the biggest gift of all and sometimes we are guilty of not giving enough of it. So give someone a little time this season and not expect anything in return. I guarantee it will make you feel good. Although if they give you a Gift set deodorant pack from Poundland never go back.
7 - Family
A big issue this. Some people haven't got family. More than 250,000 will spend this Xmas alone. Sad isn't it? Then of course there are the dysfunctional families. Addicts, alcoholics, mental health, poverty, unemployment. For some people this time of year is horrible. Especially when you get those cunts at Tesco peddling such perfect family Christmases. There are many kids all over the world who don't get anything. It's important to cherish & be grateful for what we have.
Even if you hate your family and spend the 3 days you go an visit in a state of sheer depression & searing resentment, especially when the trivial pursuit comes out. Try and adjust the attitude to what you do have, see their good points. I guarantee you will miss them when they are gone (unless of course they are total nightmares then I suggest going as far away from them as possible. Goa for instance.)
If you are visiting your Mother eat everything she puts in your path. It is her way of showing her love and a mortal sin not to accept the gifts of grub. Even if your colon tries to escape through the garden, gather it up and keep going. It is not about eating to enjoy food. it is about accepting love (and prawn canapés from Morrisons)
8 - The Big Day
Always something of a let down after the hype of the previous month. For most it is a day of compulsive over eating, binge drinking, reckless spending, low level boredom and sloth. Lots of sitting down and forced joyfulness can often result in mild depression later in the day,
After the breakfast, presents, calorie filled lunch, pudding,snooze, games, movie, quality street, cheeses, pickles, nuts, cold cuts, moronic grazing and monging in front of the TV you will effectively be brain dead by 11pm. The only suggestion I can make is DO NOT wear a belt. Something with an elasticated waste is crucial.
Of course you could totally go the other way and do service for others on Xmas day. Go for a long walk or even just bugger off abroad. The important thing is to go your own way. Do not feel pressured to go conventional because everyone else does. Make the Christmas you want, but if you do get loads of presents. Try not to post them up on Facebook. Nobody likes a gloater.
9 - That Bit Between Xmas and New Year
Dead time. Perhaps you are visiting relatives. Perhaps you are just padding around at home. Perhaps you hoover up all the masses of needlessly bought food working on your mild obesity. It is dead time. For most blokes they cannot wait for Boxing day as the football and sport begins. However what do we do in this country to celebrate this part of the festive period? We shop of course. The sales begin. Xmas night the commercial juggernaut starts rolling again. You have been given 18 hours rest and now the pressure is on again. Buy your presents for next year now!!! Madness
January sales have been brought forward to Boxing day. People are spending xmas night shopping online. It is relentless. There is no escape. Pure insanity.
My advice is to escape this and do things you don't usually do. Go for a walk. Enjoy the countryside or coast. See people you don't usually. Do something positive and good for your soul. The buzz you get from buying something for 50% will soon wear off, as will the double chocolate log. Go deeper my friends in this dead time and you will feel refreshed.
10 - Help Others
Oh God there had to be an Oprah ending didn't there? Sorry people it's the only way to end this survival guide. Of course if you're a blatant alcoholic, self obsessed spend-a-holic, neurotic control freak or just plain selfish you won't give a shit about anyone else.
However if you are seeking a little happiness and contentment during Christmas it is by far the most important thing you can do. Help 1 other human being.
I'm not suggesting you go out every day firing mince pies at the homeless. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't matter in any small way. Drop in on a neighbour. Visit someone on their own. Listen to someone who's having a hard time. Whatever it is - we are never happier in ourselves when we are giving something away to another human being. It is good for the soul. It is good for the spirit. It makes us happier, lighter and well rounded. Plus if you get an Ipad Air off the person you help that's a double bonus. I never said I was a saint did I?
Merry Christmas!!
* Note from the author **
I actually like Christmas. I'm not a fan of the huge commercialism but I' m a romantic. I love it all. Not in a Richard Curtis kind of way. I'm too much of a cynical fucker for that but I am a sucker for the Christmasy things. My mother was world class at it and it has stuck. I will be helping at Crisis, but I do try and back that up throughout the year so I'm no hypocrite on that. I do try and help others and those less fortunate throughout the year, so again I'm not preaching just at xmas.
Because have no kids I have usually buggered off to a beach in Goa for the festive period but as recession bites and money becomes tight this year I am in London. I love it at xmas because everyone buggers off out of London, showing how few people are actually from here. The roads are clear, the atmosphere is chilled and it looks beautiful.
I am looking forward to xmas. I have managed to get my girlfriend some Laboutins so I am virtually guaranteed anal on xmas night. I'm a lucky happy boy
Merry Xmas to all!!
This blog is light hearted tongue in cheek. People do suffer over xmas so if you are experiencing problems with alcohol, food, drugs, domestic abuse, debt or want to help out at Xmas here are some links below that may help you;
