Day 22 - Perhaps there's something in this spiritual life

"The Spiritual Life is not a theory, we have to live it"
Anonymous

I had a small realisation what 'The Inside Job' is about today.

Yes of course trying to change physical habits like diet coke, smoking, eating poorly is important. As is  trying to change thought patterns and negative behaviour. We all have our things we either don't like or want to change within us. Externals we'd like to alter, be it more money, better job, relationship, success etc. I'm no different to anyone in that respect.

But how do we achieve this change? Do we deny ourselves something? Turn off the Internet provider if we can't stop watching porn? Suck on E-Cigarettes to stop chuffing real ones? Taking antibuse to stop us drinking because it makes us sick? These are short term fixes. I'm getting an inkling that only some kind of spiritual shift can help us to really change deep down. Then the external will just fall away. The pain is in trying to change this on our own.

Shedding harmful things and replacing them with good things is ultimately the goal. But how do we do it? That's 'The Inside Job'

I learnt tonight there are generally 33 ways to act out in addiction and avoid feeling feelings. It varies from the headline grabbers (drink, drugs, gambling, sex, food) to things like driving too quickly, getting angry, being late, chaotic or unmanageable. In my opinion they are all forms of soul sickness. Some worse than others. Sure as humans we like to drink, be a little wild, reckless or chaotic sometimes. So what? It's called being human and to be celebrated. We are not robots or monks. I'm certainly not advocating praying and meditating for 16 hours a day and being holier than thou. We'll leave that Madonna.

But what happens when these behaviours become normal and exaggerated affecting others? Or ourselves. They are usually masking deep feelings we don't like or are uncomfortable.

I've spent years believing the spiritual life is 'for others'. Either for those living half way up a mountain in Tibet or marching down Oxford Street banging a drum. I've always been sceptical.

I've always been suspicious of the spiritual brigade who have gushed about how spiritual they are. Looking for a chink in their armour. I've been trying to find the catch.

I've always doubted that a spiritual life could help me get a better job, make me stop smoking, thinking negatively, bag me the ideal woman or have a tremendous life. I never considered for a moment all of the good external stuff comes from have a good internal. The only internal I was interested in was of the deep throat variety.

I've always thought that being spiritual is putting a chair away at the end of the meeting, doing service or holding your hand out for someone vulnerable. In a way that's true. Giving time is spiritual. But it was an aggressive spiritual. Almost an act of defiance, "I'll show you what fucking spiritual is" running round my head. That's ego.

I thought I went through a spiritual phase in 2007-2010. When I visited Goa 3 times a year for 3 years. I loved it, I grew my hair long, got the bangles, beads, necklaces, baggy trousers, ohm tattoo. The works. I was the dali lama of Balham. Of course back in London I was still running amok, getting banned from yoga and chasing every bit of skirt imaginable. But stick me in Goa. Within 3 days I was bangled up, deep tan and had tourists asking me for directions. I looked the part when all I really was, was a spiritual tourist. No different from the Lonsdale brigade.

I was Ego spiritual. You know the old hippy traveller with the credit card. Spreading peace and harmony from the comfort of the Marriott 5 Star resort. It was all bollocks but a necessary part of the journey. You see them a lot. The fake fashionistas. Where the latest craze of the 'groovy gang' is to do meditation or wear bangles or do Bikram. We live in a shallow image led world and I was leading the charge. A walking Sunday Times Style magazine whilst publicly renouncing it.

You have to experience these things though. Go through phases to grow. You have to experience putting external above internals to want to do something about it. We all have our journeys to take even when they are exceptionally uncomfortable and painful. The trick is to keep on them and not get off. That's running away. Even if we bitch and moan, cry, shout, act out, avoid. As long as we keep trying we will be OK.

Yesterday I was in fear. I wrote about it and had to get out my spiritual tool kit - keep it in day, write stuff down, share it, pray, meditate) I woke up this morning feeling OK. Coincidence?

I had a vague feeling of fear today but I did the same. Prayed, meditated etc. It's a week of meditating for me now, mostly every day and I have to say I am feeling different. There is something going on but I have no idea what.

It was a better day today. I had a phone interview and mediated before. It really helped and I was clear and confident on the phone. It was important to me but not so important I got bent out of shape about it.

Perhaps this spiritual life can work. Perhaps I don't need to dress in robes and hug trees to find a spiritual way. Perhaps it is just a route to my higher self. Fuck knows. I certainly don't have the answers. All I know is I feel better today and it had a better outcome. I had a sense of perspective my Ego simply doesn't give me. Perhaps there is something in this spiritual life after all.

Having said that, I still caned loads of fags, teas and fizzy drinks,  I'm certainly not cured yet. Progress not perfection (but that's what you love about this blog though right?)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans