The inside Job is an exploration of how one can change thinking and behavioural patterns in order to lead a better, happier life. I set out on this adventure in 2014 with the sole intention of lifting a lid on my alcoholic destructive personality traits through blogging daily about the attempt to change.
So far it has involved chanting, meditation, the AA programme (the only constant) quitting diet coke (unsuccessfully so far), looking at smoking (still waiting on that one), looking at financial sobriety, recovery, relationships, positive thinking and new forms of recovery.
Some progress has been made in a few areas, not so much in others. The point is I'm on the journey. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I am in my 9th week of my new full time job and enjoying it very much. It has made me face a few challenges with regards to priorities and time management, but overall I am really enjoying the opportunity.
I have to admit, some of the areas I started doing earlier in the year have slipped. The meditation, yoga, regular exercise, chanting, even my regular AA meetings have decreased. This has resulted in an increase in caffeine, smoking, diet coke, sweetener, mild intolerance, impatience and fits of temper. The pace of my mind has quickened as my job has lit up my imagination and brain, sometimes to the detriment of my personal life.
When you throw all your energy into your work, other things can become less important. I'm sure many people can identify with this at some point or another.
The difference for recovering alcoholics is that without taking care of ourselves or the disease, our mental health can slip. This is an incredibly subtle process that most people find impossible to spot. Least of all ourselves.
The lack of meetings is lethal and I can spot the disease ever so slightly taking over my mind. I'm still functional of course and committed to my job. That is not affected as you pour all your energy into making it a success. But other elements can start to creep. Queues get longer, people tend to walk too slowly. It can soon build up.
This progresses until you fall out with people. Pointing out their faults, whilst conveniently over looking your own. The less meetings you do, the more the finger of doom comes out.
You also start making excuses for not doing meetings. 'I'm tired, I have work to do, I'll go tomorrow'. These are well worn behavioural cycles for the alcoholic. The first stages of the mental twist.
So what's the result of all this? Well if you play it out in the long term (months, or years) it will always end in a drink. That much is sure, it's just nobody can predict the time frame on that one.
So why am I opening today's blog with that preamble?
It's because I experienced that early stages of the mental twist today. I'd like to share it with you so you can see the mind turn and how it could end in tears if fast forwarded.
I'm 12 years sober. I don't crave a drink, want a drink. I've done thousands of meetings. I've got tremendous awareness of the subtly of the disease of alcoholism and I'm behind the 12 step fellowship as a way of living. I would consider myself in the middle of the AA bed and I don't intend to get out any time soon. So I'm solid yes?
I have a steady job, relationship, friends, family who love me. I rent a house which I keep pretty up to speed, I sponsor people, I attend regular meetings. To all intents and purposes I'm doing OK, and I am. I really am doing OK.
But this is what happens if you let your meetings slip. This is what happens to your mind if you don't treat the mental illness. This is why to me, the programme is so crucial. This is my account of the slow slip into insanity;
Set the alarm for 6. Intention? Get up and exercise and fire into the week. Wake at 6. 'Fuck that I'm knackered'. Turn off alarm, roll out of bed at 6.40am. Downstairs. Nutri bullet, pray, write list for day. Feel a little groggy but get myself together. Off to work. (not a great start - already on a downer for not doing what I intended)
Take gym kit to run fitness class at lunchtime and laptop bag (I work for myself so it has loads of old and current work on it. In fact it has everything on it) Buy paper, diet coke and gum. Get ready for 30 min train journey.
Take ages at ticket booth for card machine to process payment. 3 minutes. Too long. Get annoyed. Feel the pressure building.(Complain to woman next to me who isn't listening. (Get resentment at her for being ignorant. I later spot her with earphones in. Needless resentment. I'm looking for it)
Get on train. (miss quick one, only slow one left. Minor resentment) Bag a seat, Result. Put laptop on shelf above. Plug in Ipod and begin listening to The Secret,. A self development audio book about the law of attraction (Give out positive vibes and you will get it back in abundance). Listen and read paper.
Get to Waterloo. Hop off train, listen to Audio book. walk over Waterloo Bridge. Figure I can smoke 3 cigarettes by the office. Slow train has made me 7 mins late for work (Another minor resentment) Get to Holborn, realise I have left my laptop on the train, FUCK!!!!!!!
FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. My whole life, work. everything. FUCKKKKKKK!
Make a decision to go to the office. Team meeting at 9.15am. Cant miss it. New boy. If I miss it they will sack me. FUCK. Call South West Trains. No answer for ages. CUNTS. It's their fault.
Get to work, do the meeting, call South West Trains, speak to lost property, as much use as an extra large condom for Max Clifford. FUCK. tweet south west trains to put out the word. They tweet 'call lost property'. Thanks then guys. TWATS.
Go to Waterloo. Speak to guards, staff, ticket office, check on the original train coming back to Waterloo. All the time thinking, 'This is a great opportunity to practice the law of attraction' If you expect it to come back it will.'
Ask guard at ticket office, He disappears to look. I think...'he will have it. He will have it.' He comes back. Doesn't have it. FUCK!!! My mind thinking, 'Fuck you law of attraction. Law of fuck more like.' Check my thinking.
I tell myself, 'don't be to hasty Nicholas, there are other routes'. I go to the platform. Barry helps me out. He takes me to the hut on the platform. 'Don't you worry my old son, if the cleaner found it, it will be here'. he disappears inside the hut. I think, 'think positive Nick, think positive.' I think positive.
He chats to a guard in the hut, I cant see but clearly there is a bag. Barry digs in and I can see him picking something up. 'FUCK ME YES, IT'S GOING TO BE MINE' I say to myself. Barry asks me what bag it is. I say, 'black laptop bag' - He pulls one out, 'Is this it?' He asks. My heart sinks. NO ITS FUCKING NOT!!!!'
Not only is it not my bag, it's a beautiful leather bag that's nicer then mine. Not only is my bag missing. It's shittier than the found one. A double blow. Resentment builds.
We hunt on the trains to no effect. All the while my law of attraction positive head slowly fading like a hard on losing it's edge. Soon my positive head will be as flaccid as a spent cock. Bad times. Welcome to the week Nicholas. Happy fucking Monday.
There was nothing for it. I had searched high and low. It was time to visit the dreaded lost property section at Waterloo station. Basically it's hidden out of the way under the arches. The people working there are the ones who are deemed too offensive/stupid/inefficient or mentally ill to work anywhere else on network rail. It's the one Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest of The Railways. If you crash a train at high speed, drunk with 400 people on board you aren't sacked. You are sent to lost property.
My mental disintegration was completed after 5 minutes with them. Not only did they palm me off but took great joy in reminding me they have 1500 items pass through a week. Almost rubbing it in that I am one of the 1500 knob heads and now I must pander to their power. CUNTS.
Report it missing. They say they would call me within 5 working days if it's handed in. Great. No chance. Law of Attraction now turning into Law of Retraction. Return to work.
Of course in my heart I knew it was my responsibility. I knew it wasn't the end of the world. I knew it was only a laptop, but in modern life it's like losing a limb. 'I cant carry on or do anything. I am useless without this information tool'. I felt bereft. Lost. Alone. Stupid. How can I love without my laptop, I wailed.
Then my head decided to have a field day. In came the catastrophisation. 'You're stupid. Your an idiot. You don't even have insurance. Your unmanageable. It's all too much. Now you're going to have to change all your passwords and you cant even remember them all. MELTDOWN!!!!!!
The door had opened, the bad head kicked it down and stormed in.
I had to regroup. Have a word with myself. Treat myself healthily. 4 diet cokes, 3 cups of tea and 2 silk cut. I felt OK again. Ready to carry on.
Managed to get through the day, hiding my sense of intolerance and burning resentment and did the best I could.
On the walk home to the station everyone was in my way, the lights wouldn't change quick enough, there were too many people on the bus, my shirt was too tight after eating too much this weekend and I just wanted to stop everyone in Waterloo station and scream....
CCCCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Bad head. Time for home. remove yourself from society at once Nicholas. Poor you. Poor me. I should at this point have put on a bog nappy. King baby had taken over. If there was an adult rusk. I should have been munching on it. Baby
I get on the train, bag a seat. Reject listening to the law of attraction. That was the thing that made me forget the fucking bag in the first place. Listen to inane chatter of people on their phones. The bloke opposite gets his laptop out to work. Just to piss me off. Bastard. Don't you know I lost my laptop today.
Consider tweeting Sky News. But decide against it.
I had missed a meeting by now. I couldn't be out in public a moment longer. Everyone could have it. The lot of them. Other than the people I love and like, the ones I work with and know and you of course who read this blog, they can all fuck off. I'm not having today any longer.
At this point you can picture me in a nappy screaming, stamping my fists, throwing a tantrum and snotting all down myself. King sodding Baby.
And that my friends is the result of reducing your AA meetings if you're a recovering alcoholic,. Can you imagine if that went on for a few weeks/months? See why drinking happens long before you pick up a drink? That's a description of alcoholism right there.
The reality is, I could have put my name on laptop. I could have got it insured. I could have backed it up on a hard-drive. I made a simple mistake but because of my insanity I built it up into something far more than it actually is. I created it all. I can only blame myself.
The great thing about it, was that I was listening to self development at the time. That's why I love alcoholism and recovery so much. If you don't deal with that you can listen to the Dali lama, Gandhi, law of attraction and Stephen Hawkins and still be off your head.
My lesson today is deal with the basics and then I can take other things on board. Its a valuable lesson to learn. Self responsibility and I am the sole creator of all my troubles.
I'm just grateful my laptop is password protected because If some of that stuff gets out in public. Well put it this way Charlie Brooks has got nothing on me. (If you don't get that read the news about the Rebecca Brookes trial)
I don't need to hear the advice that I should pray more, do the programme, give myself over to God more, get morally judged, think more positive. I know this. It's an off day. A one off and tomorrow I'm back on it. I just wanted to give you a warts and all coverage of a sick head and where it goes. I hope it entertained you. I know what needs to be done to cure it.
We live to fight another day Inside Jobbers
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Day 83 - Mothering Sunday
Today's blog is dedicated to Mothers.
Regular readers will know, I am suspicious and cynical of the increasingly relentless commercialism and pressure of life events. These are aggressively marketed events to encourage us to take part in wanton spending. The huge commercialism is designed to provide us with a moral and sociological obligation to take part.
Think of Christmas Day, Fathers Day, Pancake Day, Valentines Day, Easter Day. If you don't spend money on gifts, cards, helium balloons, cakes or personalised messages you are effectively, 'a scrooge, selfish, uncaring or a social leper.' It's a lot of pressure.
Why do we need a mass day just to show we care? Is it not important to consistently show that for 364 other days a year?
Mother's day was created in the early 20th Century in the States and UK. Reports that Clintons invented it are as yet unconfirmed. It is essentially a celebration of mothers and motherhood. A chance for us all to show an appreciation at the important role mothers have played in our life and society. I like it.
My mum is Amazing. Unswerving love, support, care. Everyone I know always says, 'you're Mum is amazing.' When you are young one can tend to take Mother's for granted. Expecting the love or attention or care. I know I did.
As you get older your realise Mum's are human beings too. Although they may have given birth, brought you up and made so many sacrifices for you, it is only now I am beginning to appreciate that she is a human being, with her own needs, wants and life to live. Mother's do not solely exist for their children (well some do but that's co-dependancy for you) It's something I have grown aware of as I get older.
I did what most other people did today. I joined in with the mass commercialism with a card, flowers and treated her to lunch. There were 8 other bouquets of flowers in the restaurant. It's A popular day.
You know what though? Fuck the cynicism, why not celebrate motherhood. Why not join in. I don't have to buy what is being bombarded at me in the shops to show I care, but so what If I do. Spending time and showing appreciation is much more important. Of course if that ends in an Apple crumble then even better.
I had a great day with my Mum. It was great to spend time and talk about her life. Celebrate her good points. Plus she was stuffed after a roast dinner, so it saved me £6.95 on the desert. Result.
As I said to her. "The least I can do for all your love, attention and thousands of pounds you have spent on me is treat you to lunch. So you can have anything you want under a tenner." How can you put a price on love though? (Joke)
What I would like to do though is to give a shout out to all those people who haven't got mothers. Who have lost them or didn't have them in the fist place. That is hard every day not just on mother's day. But there is something about the mass coverage on social media of everyone saying thanks to their mum, which can stir real sadness and loss in people who don't have one anymore.
What about people who have Mum's who don't care. Or Mum's who have lost their kids? Truly awful. Let's have a little thought for all those guys today.
I salute my Mother, but lets salute everyone's absent mother's or children. Lets give them a thought of love and happiness bloggers. That way the power of positive thought can work through the 100 people who read this.
Having said that, Just think how much positivity could be transmitted if I had 1 million readers? So come on spread the word guys about this blog, Press share!)
Did you see what I did there? Seamlessly moving from a heartfelt plea to self promotion. I didn't even have to try. That level of self obsession comes so naturally. Christ knows what I'd be like without a programme. Cheers Mum
Love to all the Mum's out there. Both with us and not.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Regular readers will know, I am suspicious and cynical of the increasingly relentless commercialism and pressure of life events. These are aggressively marketed events to encourage us to take part in wanton spending. The huge commercialism is designed to provide us with a moral and sociological obligation to take part.
Think of Christmas Day, Fathers Day, Pancake Day, Valentines Day, Easter Day. If you don't spend money on gifts, cards, helium balloons, cakes or personalised messages you are effectively, 'a scrooge, selfish, uncaring or a social leper.' It's a lot of pressure.
Why do we need a mass day just to show we care? Is it not important to consistently show that for 364 other days a year?
Mother's day was created in the early 20th Century in the States and UK. Reports that Clintons invented it are as yet unconfirmed. It is essentially a celebration of mothers and motherhood. A chance for us all to show an appreciation at the important role mothers have played in our life and society. I like it.
My mum is Amazing. Unswerving love, support, care. Everyone I know always says, 'you're Mum is amazing.' When you are young one can tend to take Mother's for granted. Expecting the love or attention or care. I know I did.
As you get older your realise Mum's are human beings too. Although they may have given birth, brought you up and made so many sacrifices for you, it is only now I am beginning to appreciate that she is a human being, with her own needs, wants and life to live. Mother's do not solely exist for their children (well some do but that's co-dependancy for you) It's something I have grown aware of as I get older.
I did what most other people did today. I joined in with the mass commercialism with a card, flowers and treated her to lunch. There were 8 other bouquets of flowers in the restaurant. It's A popular day.
You know what though? Fuck the cynicism, why not celebrate motherhood. Why not join in. I don't have to buy what is being bombarded at me in the shops to show I care, but so what If I do. Spending time and showing appreciation is much more important. Of course if that ends in an Apple crumble then even better.
I had a great day with my Mum. It was great to spend time and talk about her life. Celebrate her good points. Plus she was stuffed after a roast dinner, so it saved me £6.95 on the desert. Result.
As I said to her. "The least I can do for all your love, attention and thousands of pounds you have spent on me is treat you to lunch. So you can have anything you want under a tenner." How can you put a price on love though? (Joke)
What I would like to do though is to give a shout out to all those people who haven't got mothers. Who have lost them or didn't have them in the fist place. That is hard every day not just on mother's day. But there is something about the mass coverage on social media of everyone saying thanks to their mum, which can stir real sadness and loss in people who don't have one anymore.
What about people who have Mum's who don't care. Or Mum's who have lost their kids? Truly awful. Let's have a little thought for all those guys today.
I salute my Mother, but lets salute everyone's absent mother's or children. Lets give them a thought of love and happiness bloggers. That way the power of positive thought can work through the 100 people who read this.
Having said that, Just think how much positivity could be transmitted if I had 1 million readers? So come on spread the word guys about this blog, Press share!)
Did you see what I did there? Seamlessly moving from a heartfelt plea to self promotion. I didn't even have to try. That level of self obsession comes so naturally. Christ knows what I'd be like without a programme. Cheers Mum
Love to all the Mum's out there. Both with us and not.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Day 82 - Saturday Sun, Indecision and The Egoic Head
How ace is it to wake up with the sun shining? It instantly makes you feel just that slightest bit lighter. Don't get me wrong if you're lost in the deep dark fog of depression/misery, then a bit of sun doesn't really touch the sides.
However, for most of us the first shoots of summer after a long, dark, wet winter is always gratifying.
Usually on a Saturday I wake up early and out to a meeting. Then the indecision really kicks in. Gym, run, cycle, yoga, another meeting, coffee with mates? God you can really do your own head in. That's before you even contemplate the afternoon. Let alone the evening.
Not having kids or a family means there is usually plenty of time to devote to indecision. Those with families tend not to have that luxury. Saturday's is usually a whirl of parties, sports activities, play clubs, practice. My mates are grateful to flop in front of X Factor come the evening and mentally vegetate.
For those of us without such responsibilities and an over active egoic head, it gives us a splendid opportunity to unnecessarily stress ourselves out with deeply unimportant mundane indecision's.
There is always a regular battle between what SHOULD I be doing v What do I WANT to be doing. Sometimes this can rage for hours. When you live in the egoic head, or alcoholic thinking, the concept of living in the present and enjoying the moment is completely alien. Instead the neurotic whirl churns on.
This is when I love to observe my head. When the 'SHOULD's move in or the RIGHTS, you can usually guarantee some kind of restlessness. When you are mindful in the now and just enjoying what you are doing, there is a greater chance of serenity. Life can be enjoyed then, not endured.
I have fought this battle for so long, it's such a waste of time and energy.
Today I figured, 'Fuck it' I'm just going to let it happen. I woke up late (8am) and padded around. Then I got on the turbo trainer bike and cycled whilst watching a documentary on the financial crisis. By now the sun was beating so I went out for a run (more of a trundle due to a dodgy back) along the river. The top came off and I felt the sun on my back and I cant tell you how good it felt.
I stopped by the river and took some time to meditate. Closing my eyes and feeling the sun on my face, the noise of the river and chatter of overweight tourists debating if they should buy an ice cream. It was a great moment. I really enjoyed it.
Then it was back to the run, a couple of really slow sprints up Richmond Hill, a few hurls of abuse from blokes because I was running with my top off and home.
A bit of a clean up, I do believe the hoover actually came out briefly, which for me is an annual event, shower and now I'm off out for a late lunch with the missus, and to the theatre to watch Ghost Stories with some friends later.
Not a bad Saturday is it? On paper it's a belter really. Very relaxed, sun is shining. Everything is calm. Except....that nagging voice at the back of the head. "You should be doing something better. Go to the coast, be spontaneous, you're always doing the same thing, you're boring."
It's nice to know that little devil inner voice is vying for attention. It's desperate to fuck the day up. Then it will be happy. If it's not trying to make me indecisive, it's criticising the choices I do actually make.
Well, sorry to let you down inner voice. Today you're just going to have to fuck off because you WILL NOT derail the day.
It's a great opportunity to practice mindfulness and live in the moment. If you do that the voice is silent. It cannot get in and that is one of the most interesting parts of The Inside Job, it's nearly always interesting to observe.
Have a tip top and tidy weekend Jobbers
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
However, for most of us the first shoots of summer after a long, dark, wet winter is always gratifying.
Usually on a Saturday I wake up early and out to a meeting. Then the indecision really kicks in. Gym, run, cycle, yoga, another meeting, coffee with mates? God you can really do your own head in. That's before you even contemplate the afternoon. Let alone the evening.
Not having kids or a family means there is usually plenty of time to devote to indecision. Those with families tend not to have that luxury. Saturday's is usually a whirl of parties, sports activities, play clubs, practice. My mates are grateful to flop in front of X Factor come the evening and mentally vegetate.
For those of us without such responsibilities and an over active egoic head, it gives us a splendid opportunity to unnecessarily stress ourselves out with deeply unimportant mundane indecision's.
There is always a regular battle between what SHOULD I be doing v What do I WANT to be doing. Sometimes this can rage for hours. When you live in the egoic head, or alcoholic thinking, the concept of living in the present and enjoying the moment is completely alien. Instead the neurotic whirl churns on.
This is when I love to observe my head. When the 'SHOULD's move in or the RIGHTS, you can usually guarantee some kind of restlessness. When you are mindful in the now and just enjoying what you are doing, there is a greater chance of serenity. Life can be enjoyed then, not endured.
I have fought this battle for so long, it's such a waste of time and energy.
Today I figured, 'Fuck it' I'm just going to let it happen. I woke up late (8am) and padded around. Then I got on the turbo trainer bike and cycled whilst watching a documentary on the financial crisis. By now the sun was beating so I went out for a run (more of a trundle due to a dodgy back) along the river. The top came off and I felt the sun on my back and I cant tell you how good it felt.
I stopped by the river and took some time to meditate. Closing my eyes and feeling the sun on my face, the noise of the river and chatter of overweight tourists debating if they should buy an ice cream. It was a great moment. I really enjoyed it.
Then it was back to the run, a couple of really slow sprints up Richmond Hill, a few hurls of abuse from blokes because I was running with my top off and home.
A bit of a clean up, I do believe the hoover actually came out briefly, which for me is an annual event, shower and now I'm off out for a late lunch with the missus, and to the theatre to watch Ghost Stories with some friends later.
Not a bad Saturday is it? On paper it's a belter really. Very relaxed, sun is shining. Everything is calm. Except....that nagging voice at the back of the head. "You should be doing something better. Go to the coast, be spontaneous, you're always doing the same thing, you're boring."
It's nice to know that little devil inner voice is vying for attention. It's desperate to fuck the day up. Then it will be happy. If it's not trying to make me indecisive, it's criticising the choices I do actually make.
Well, sorry to let you down inner voice. Today you're just going to have to fuck off because you WILL NOT derail the day.
It's a great opportunity to practice mindfulness and live in the moment. If you do that the voice is silent. It cannot get in and that is one of the most interesting parts of The Inside Job, it's nearly always interesting to observe.
Have a tip top and tidy weekend Jobbers
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Friday, March 28, 2014
Day 80 & 81 - How to use the 12 steps in your relationship
For those of you familiar with a 12 step recovery programme this will ring a few bells. For those of you who are not, but have suffered difficulties in relationships, you may also find identification.
Let me just set the scene. The 12 step recovery programme is designed to help people go about change a particular harmful pattern of behaviour. It was originally developed to help alcoholics stop drinking and experience a spiritual and psychological change to their personalities to maintain sobriety. Resultingly it has been adapted to drugs, sex, gambling, love, nicotine, alanon, food. pretty much anything where people suffer addiction problems.
It effectively helps the person undergo a profound psychic change in a process that is encouraged to be maintained daily. They are not rules or exams, but to be taken with the help of an experienced spiritual helper to defeat the ego, see your part in any perceived troubles, make restitution to anyone you have harmed and seek to help others. They are specifically designed to challenge the sick ego and facilitate change. Make sense?
Therefore let me just show how you can use these in a relationship;
Step 1 - I admitted I was powerless over my girlfriend - that she had become intolerable
Step 2 - Came to believe that only a Power greater than herself (me) could restore her to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision that she should turn her will and her life over to the care of God as I understood him.
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of HER
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of HER wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all HER defects of character (even though she doesn't think she's got any)
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove HER shortcomings (even though she thinks she doesn't have any)
Step 8 - Made a list of all the things she had harmed, towards me and became willing for her to make amends for them all
Step 9 - Decided she could now make direct amends to me, except when to do so would be inconvenient.
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory of HER and when we were wrong promptly denied it.
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to make her realise she's in the wrong.
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message loudly and angrily to a non listening girlfriend, and to NOT practice these principles in all our affairs
The result of following these steps? Put it this way I've about as much chance of getting a blozzer as Max Clifford. Do the opposite. That's the way forward troops.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Let me just set the scene. The 12 step recovery programme is designed to help people go about change a particular harmful pattern of behaviour. It was originally developed to help alcoholics stop drinking and experience a spiritual and psychological change to their personalities to maintain sobriety. Resultingly it has been adapted to drugs, sex, gambling, love, nicotine, alanon, food. pretty much anything where people suffer addiction problems.
It effectively helps the person undergo a profound psychic change in a process that is encouraged to be maintained daily. They are not rules or exams, but to be taken with the help of an experienced spiritual helper to defeat the ego, see your part in any perceived troubles, make restitution to anyone you have harmed and seek to help others. They are specifically designed to challenge the sick ego and facilitate change. Make sense?
Therefore let me just show how you can use these in a relationship;
Step 1 - I admitted I was powerless over my girlfriend - that she had become intolerable
Step 2 - Came to believe that only a Power greater than herself (me) could restore her to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision that she should turn her will and her life over to the care of God as I understood him.
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of HER
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of HER wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all HER defects of character (even though she doesn't think she's got any)
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove HER shortcomings (even though she thinks she doesn't have any)
Step 8 - Made a list of all the things she had harmed, towards me and became willing for her to make amends for them all
Step 9 - Decided she could now make direct amends to me, except when to do so would be inconvenient.
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory of HER and when we were wrong promptly denied it.
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to make her realise she's in the wrong.
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message loudly and angrily to a non listening girlfriend, and to NOT practice these principles in all our affairs
The result of following these steps? Put it this way I've about as much chance of getting a blozzer as Max Clifford. Do the opposite. That's the way forward troops.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Day 79 - Chivalry, Humility and Nazi Megastructures
Long day. It's 11pm. I've just got in from a meeting so I'll keep it short.
No more about anger today. Let's save that for another day. I think 3 days on the same subject is long enough.
Today I listened to the law of attraction on audio book, in the morning I prayed like a bitch and meditated a little. I decided I was going to have a good day. Here's a few things that I found vaguely interesting about it;
1 - Walked past a lady rattling a bucket collecting for Breast Cancer this morning. She was very lively. When people chucked some money in, she yelled. "Well done Sir/Madam. You'll have a good day". I felt guilty for not contributing. I liked her nature and felt she was willing the money in (I was listing to the Law Of Attraction at the time) - You don't mind giving to people like that as you know their heart and soul is in it. Didn't stop me turning back though, but she caught my attention none the less and I liked it. I love seeing people love what they are doing. No matter what it is.
2 - Suitably guilty I walked past an old boy on Waterloo Bridge selling the Big Issue. He was smoking a roll up and minding his own business. His face looked like he'd lived a 100 lives, I had to re-address my guilt and I liked his face so he got £2 and a silk cut. He seemed so grateful so I gave him a bit of a manly pat on the back and hoped to god it didn't come across as condescending. I liked it though.
3 - I had a bit of positive news at work and immediately went to share it with my boss. He didn't seem as elated as me, in fact he seemed a little grumpy. I observed my alcoholic head immediately think, "What have you done wrong Nick. He doesn't like you. Maybe they'll get rid of you". All from one little look!! It's amazing how ones own alcoholic thinking can kick in without any encouragement. It's so self centred and negative. Truth is he may have been stressed, he may have been distracted. None of it is my business and it probably had nothing to do with me. I have no control on other peoples thoughts or the future. I observed it and smiled at it, it really fascinates me the way it places you in the centre of everything. Pure alcoholism.
4 - After a busy day at work, when it's easy to forget about positivity, or a spiritual path or a new way of thinking, I plugged in 'The Secret' audio book on the tube. It was packed and standing only. Suddenly A seat became available. This is usually cue for a rugby scrum as everyone jostles to slump in it. Elbowing pensioners and pregnant women out the way. Instead, I stood over it and beckoned a lady who looked stressed and was standing next to me into the seat. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't old. I just did it because it felt good. A random act of kindness. The fact she was wearing a short skirt and became easier to look up didn't come into it (joking)
Point is it made me feel good about myself and I liked it.
5 - I did a chair at a meeting and did my usual 25 minutes stream of consciousness. Not sure what came out but people seemed to respond. It was a powerful meeting. But you know what that helped me the most? A guy who was less than 3 months sober sharing about humility and changing his thinking. He was effectively doing the opposite of what he usually does. It made him feel good. he also shared about being in hospital recently and how amazing the nurses were to him. They are paid sod all yet have such grace and humility to help others. It had a big effect on him and made him feel grateful.
Listening to him made me feel the same. I took from what he shared, do the opposite to my ego and remember humility. Not a bad thing to remember. I liked it.
I liked today. Nothing dramatic or grand happened but I liked it. It's now 12am and I have a choice. Go to bed and get some rest before a busy day tomorrow, or make some more tea and watch 'Nazi Mega Structures' on National Geographic until 2am. I know what a logical, sane and balanced person would do. What you would do. Must go though, kettles boiling......
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
No more about anger today. Let's save that for another day. I think 3 days on the same subject is long enough.
Today I listened to the law of attraction on audio book, in the morning I prayed like a bitch and meditated a little. I decided I was going to have a good day. Here's a few things that I found vaguely interesting about it;
1 - Walked past a lady rattling a bucket collecting for Breast Cancer this morning. She was very lively. When people chucked some money in, she yelled. "Well done Sir/Madam. You'll have a good day". I felt guilty for not contributing. I liked her nature and felt she was willing the money in (I was listing to the Law Of Attraction at the time) - You don't mind giving to people like that as you know their heart and soul is in it. Didn't stop me turning back though, but she caught my attention none the less and I liked it. I love seeing people love what they are doing. No matter what it is.
2 - Suitably guilty I walked past an old boy on Waterloo Bridge selling the Big Issue. He was smoking a roll up and minding his own business. His face looked like he'd lived a 100 lives, I had to re-address my guilt and I liked his face so he got £2 and a silk cut. He seemed so grateful so I gave him a bit of a manly pat on the back and hoped to god it didn't come across as condescending. I liked it though.
3 - I had a bit of positive news at work and immediately went to share it with my boss. He didn't seem as elated as me, in fact he seemed a little grumpy. I observed my alcoholic head immediately think, "What have you done wrong Nick. He doesn't like you. Maybe they'll get rid of you". All from one little look!! It's amazing how ones own alcoholic thinking can kick in without any encouragement. It's so self centred and negative. Truth is he may have been stressed, he may have been distracted. None of it is my business and it probably had nothing to do with me. I have no control on other peoples thoughts or the future. I observed it and smiled at it, it really fascinates me the way it places you in the centre of everything. Pure alcoholism.
4 - After a busy day at work, when it's easy to forget about positivity, or a spiritual path or a new way of thinking, I plugged in 'The Secret' audio book on the tube. It was packed and standing only. Suddenly A seat became available. This is usually cue for a rugby scrum as everyone jostles to slump in it. Elbowing pensioners and pregnant women out the way. Instead, I stood over it and beckoned a lady who looked stressed and was standing next to me into the seat. She wasn't pregnant. She wasn't old. I just did it because it felt good. A random act of kindness. The fact she was wearing a short skirt and became easier to look up didn't come into it (joking)
Point is it made me feel good about myself and I liked it.
5 - I did a chair at a meeting and did my usual 25 minutes stream of consciousness. Not sure what came out but people seemed to respond. It was a powerful meeting. But you know what that helped me the most? A guy who was less than 3 months sober sharing about humility and changing his thinking. He was effectively doing the opposite of what he usually does. It made him feel good. he also shared about being in hospital recently and how amazing the nurses were to him. They are paid sod all yet have such grace and humility to help others. It had a big effect on him and made him feel grateful.
Listening to him made me feel the same. I took from what he shared, do the opposite to my ego and remember humility. Not a bad thing to remember. I liked it.
I liked today. Nothing dramatic or grand happened but I liked it. It's now 12am and I have a choice. Go to bed and get some rest before a busy day tomorrow, or make some more tea and watch 'Nazi Mega Structures' on National Geographic until 2am. I know what a logical, sane and balanced person would do. What you would do. Must go though, kettles boiling......
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Day 78 - When the Anger Subsides....What's Left?
It's 4 days after my random outbreak of rage. Things have settled down. Life has moved on. We're on speaking terms. Things on the surface are back to normal. Or are they?
In the past when I was 'in' alcoholism (without knowing it), I would drink, black out and cause chaos. The immediate after-effect would be one of shame, remorse and guilt. How many times have I said or you heard being said to a partner. "I'll never do it again." "I'm so sorry." "Let me make it up to you."
And you are. You are truly sorry. You genuinely feel awful. You truly believe you will never do it again. You will swear blind that it is the last time such chaos will happen. You creep around like a lamb. Full of guilt and remorse.
But who's feelings are they for? For the person you harmed? Or yourself?
Yourself of course. The tears are one of selfish pity. You truly feel sorry but mostly for yourself. Of course you cannot say this to your partner because they would instantly leave, but that's what is playing out under the bonnet. This is when alcoholism has firmly taken over.
You apologise and do as much as you can to make things OK. Then it does get back to normal. You go back to being you, but you are totally unaware of the residual after effects and collateral damage you have caused. How can you be when you are so wrapped in self?
After a few days those feelings of shame subside and the ego kicks back in. "It wasn't that bad." "I think she made a meal out of it." "It'll be alright next time." "You were right." Left unchecked this pattern can go on for years. Partners of alcoholics, addicts and rageoholics will identify.
Even in sobriety and left untreated, alcoholism can still drive the same poisonous emotions. You are still full of guilt, shame and remorse after a rage attack. But are you really thinking of your partner? Are you really sorry for what you've done? The only antidote to this is the AA programme (for alcoholics)
Lets look at the rage for a moment. What must it be like to be on the other side of it?
I'm 6ft 2, so if I'm shouting at a woman what must that be like for her? Terrifying I suppose. Of course because I would never hit a woman I don't think I'm that scary at that moment. I think the world is judging me by my intentions not my actions. But the opposite is true.
It's like having someone 7ft tall raging at me. I'd shit myself. But the rager never sees that. The rager is lost in his/her own world of justifiable anger and indignation. Blind to the effect on others.
What happens after a few days? When the guilt and shame leave. The original resentment can linger. It's a matter of time until it happens again. Sometimes we never learn. It is a form of sickness in itself and the only way to 'never do it again' is to actually change. To understand the effects. To hear about it. To take responsibility for your actions. To do the work required. Whether it be through the AA programme, giving yourself to God or outside help. Whatever method you choose. But you have to do something otherwise the pattern plays out continually.
How many of us have stayed in bad relationships for selfish reasons? Knowing it is wrong but too scared to get out of them. Sometimes the fear of being alone keeps us in sick relationships long past their sell by dates. I know have had my fair share. It's so easy to play the victim. To be a marytr blaming the rager/or the other person for all the problems. But is there not two people in a relationship? It takes both to want to recover. The trouble happens when only one or neither does. This is an imbalance and can cause huge pain and unhappiness.
What if they are doomed from the start? What if people simply aren't right for each other? I have spent so long in the past complaining or getting cross at my partner because they weren't how I wanted them to be. Who's fault is that? Certainly not theirs as they are being themselves. It's my fault for choosing to enter it in the first place. It's so easier to try and change someone else and completely forget the only one you can change is yourself. I wish I would have known that years ago.
So can it ever get back to normal after a rage? And what is normal in the first place? If normal causes such friction then maybe the normal needs to change too.
Relationships are not easy. They require work, effort and communication. None of these are my strong points. Unfortunately like many in modern society at the merest hint of problems my attitude is 'fuck this I'm off''. Except I'm not off this time. I'm not 'benching' (lining someone else up to deflect the pain of a relationship end) I'm up for change.
There are so many positive actions one can do to change things. It is not all doom and gloom. It is all a learning process and in darkness can come light. The process of change is what The Inside Job is all about.
Communication is key. Open mindedness too. I have to be prepared to believe that I'm not right all the time. Sometimes for a man of my ego this is a stunning blow. I have to learn to shut it sometimes and let things play out. Apparently I am not God (news to me sometimes) and I have to allow people to grow at their own pace not mine. This is my hardest lesson. I want to control. I want people to do as I please. I want to tell them. "If they would only do this then everything would be fine." What does that make me? The Great Dictator. The Great Nick? Holy fuck how impossible is it to live by those rules and regulations? Both for me and others.
I admit it, sometimes I'm a total nightmare and I can find no peace, serenity OR happiness unless I learn to accept people and the world for how it is. Once I focus on changing myself then all will be fine. It's just I am a massively slow learner and it is nearly always the last thing I think of.
That is the journey, that is the friction. It's a shame others get hurt along the way but I'm taking the long game on this one. People I believe are put in our path to teach us a reason. Maybe in the past my partners haven't been strong enough to tell me 'enough' or even 'fuck off'.
Like a kid with a lax parent. You take, take, take until you are punished.
Same with an alcoholic (otherwise known as King Baby) We need to be held accountable for our actions. The alcoholic ego hates it and I'm going to hate myself for writing it, but fuck it it's out there. When I'm in ego I'm on a collision course. When I create distance between me and my ego then everything runs smooth. (Sorry guys but that is point when God or a higher power enters the equation) When I am in me, I'm on collision course, when I am in gods will then I'm not. It really is that simple. Like a spiritual Brazilian.
Yes that's right I'm going for a spiritual Brazilian which is a suitably ridiculous way to end today's rambling.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
In the past when I was 'in' alcoholism (without knowing it), I would drink, black out and cause chaos. The immediate after-effect would be one of shame, remorse and guilt. How many times have I said or you heard being said to a partner. "I'll never do it again." "I'm so sorry." "Let me make it up to you."
And you are. You are truly sorry. You genuinely feel awful. You truly believe you will never do it again. You will swear blind that it is the last time such chaos will happen. You creep around like a lamb. Full of guilt and remorse.
But who's feelings are they for? For the person you harmed? Or yourself?
Yourself of course. The tears are one of selfish pity. You truly feel sorry but mostly for yourself. Of course you cannot say this to your partner because they would instantly leave, but that's what is playing out under the bonnet. This is when alcoholism has firmly taken over.
You apologise and do as much as you can to make things OK. Then it does get back to normal. You go back to being you, but you are totally unaware of the residual after effects and collateral damage you have caused. How can you be when you are so wrapped in self?
After a few days those feelings of shame subside and the ego kicks back in. "It wasn't that bad." "I think she made a meal out of it." "It'll be alright next time." "You were right." Left unchecked this pattern can go on for years. Partners of alcoholics, addicts and rageoholics will identify.
Even in sobriety and left untreated, alcoholism can still drive the same poisonous emotions. You are still full of guilt, shame and remorse after a rage attack. But are you really thinking of your partner? Are you really sorry for what you've done? The only antidote to this is the AA programme (for alcoholics)
Lets look at the rage for a moment. What must it be like to be on the other side of it?
I'm 6ft 2, so if I'm shouting at a woman what must that be like for her? Terrifying I suppose. Of course because I would never hit a woman I don't think I'm that scary at that moment. I think the world is judging me by my intentions not my actions. But the opposite is true.
It's like having someone 7ft tall raging at me. I'd shit myself. But the rager never sees that. The rager is lost in his/her own world of justifiable anger and indignation. Blind to the effect on others.
What happens after a few days? When the guilt and shame leave. The original resentment can linger. It's a matter of time until it happens again. Sometimes we never learn. It is a form of sickness in itself and the only way to 'never do it again' is to actually change. To understand the effects. To hear about it. To take responsibility for your actions. To do the work required. Whether it be through the AA programme, giving yourself to God or outside help. Whatever method you choose. But you have to do something otherwise the pattern plays out continually.
How many of us have stayed in bad relationships for selfish reasons? Knowing it is wrong but too scared to get out of them. Sometimes the fear of being alone keeps us in sick relationships long past their sell by dates. I know have had my fair share. It's so easy to play the victim. To be a marytr blaming the rager/or the other person for all the problems. But is there not two people in a relationship? It takes both to want to recover. The trouble happens when only one or neither does. This is an imbalance and can cause huge pain and unhappiness.
What if they are doomed from the start? What if people simply aren't right for each other? I have spent so long in the past complaining or getting cross at my partner because they weren't how I wanted them to be. Who's fault is that? Certainly not theirs as they are being themselves. It's my fault for choosing to enter it in the first place. It's so easier to try and change someone else and completely forget the only one you can change is yourself. I wish I would have known that years ago.
So can it ever get back to normal after a rage? And what is normal in the first place? If normal causes such friction then maybe the normal needs to change too.
Relationships are not easy. They require work, effort and communication. None of these are my strong points. Unfortunately like many in modern society at the merest hint of problems my attitude is 'fuck this I'm off''. Except I'm not off this time. I'm not 'benching' (lining someone else up to deflect the pain of a relationship end) I'm up for change.
There are so many positive actions one can do to change things. It is not all doom and gloom. It is all a learning process and in darkness can come light. The process of change is what The Inside Job is all about.
Communication is key. Open mindedness too. I have to be prepared to believe that I'm not right all the time. Sometimes for a man of my ego this is a stunning blow. I have to learn to shut it sometimes and let things play out. Apparently I am not God (news to me sometimes) and I have to allow people to grow at their own pace not mine. This is my hardest lesson. I want to control. I want people to do as I please. I want to tell them. "If they would only do this then everything would be fine." What does that make me? The Great Dictator. The Great Nick? Holy fuck how impossible is it to live by those rules and regulations? Both for me and others.
I admit it, sometimes I'm a total nightmare and I can find no peace, serenity OR happiness unless I learn to accept people and the world for how it is. Once I focus on changing myself then all will be fine. It's just I am a massively slow learner and it is nearly always the last thing I think of.
That is the journey, that is the friction. It's a shame others get hurt along the way but I'm taking the long game on this one. People I believe are put in our path to teach us a reason. Maybe in the past my partners haven't been strong enough to tell me 'enough' or even 'fuck off'.
Like a kid with a lax parent. You take, take, take until you are punished.
Same with an alcoholic (otherwise known as King Baby) We need to be held accountable for our actions. The alcoholic ego hates it and I'm going to hate myself for writing it, but fuck it it's out there. When I'm in ego I'm on a collision course. When I create distance between me and my ego then everything runs smooth. (Sorry guys but that is point when God or a higher power enters the equation) When I am in me, I'm on collision course, when I am in gods will then I'm not. It really is that simple. Like a spiritual Brazilian.
Yes that's right I'm going for a spiritual Brazilian which is a suitably ridiculous way to end today's rambling.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Monday, March 24, 2014
Day 77 - More about Anger & Resentment.
I had a higher than average response to yesterday's blog. Some by private email, some on Facebook and weirdly I bumped into a guy I know on Oxford Street who mentioned it too. There's clearly something in the behavioural patterns I touched upon yesterday. This interests me.
The mails have mostly been to say people struggle with anger too. It seems I am not alone. They find it difficult to share openly or indeed privately and have been along the lines of, "Thank you for writing this. I identify and It gives me hope that I'm not alone." This is good to hear. Kind of makes this blog relevant and worthwhile.
Most people who have reached out to me, seem to say they suffer from the incredible intolerance, impatience, build up of pressure coupled with resentment and struggle to hold it together. Fuck me, I'm an expert in that seeing as I've blown my top so many times in the past. For the first 5 years of sobriety I was in people's phones as 'Angry Nick'.
This is also dangerous as you can start to play up to it and feel pleased with yourself that you have an identity. The ego loves this and can keep you in it for years.
I must make it clear I am not saying alcoholism has the monopoly on anger and rage. Far from it. Most people will suffer from anger. It is a real and basic human emotion. It comes in many forms for many reasons. Too many to list. But mostly when we feel we have been harmed against, mis-treated or abused. The natural response is to get angry, hurt or resentful.
For most, it is dealt with reasonably quickly. For addicts or alcoholics this emotion is usually maxed out to dramatic and harmful effects. We love a bit of resentment and this fuels the anger and rages. That's why the Big Book (AA bible) states Resentment is the number 1 offender. All kinds of awful character defects feed off this poison and end up ruining days, weeks, months, years, relationships, jobs, lives. It really is that harmful and why dealing with resentment is hugely important.
There is too much to cover in a daily blog post to really explore this topic (I feel a book coming on folks) however it is helpful to find out what is resentment. We know the name but do we understand what it REALLY means?
Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.
So it is an emotion that's negative directly as a result of real or perceived wrong doing. This is where alcoholism and non alcoholics differ.
Normal people usually get resentment over something real. Someone pisses them off. They get looked over for promotion, they get cheated on. Whatever. A life event that sucks causes a natural reaction of anger and resentment. This is normal.
Alcoholics on the other hand, because the disease effectively wants the 'carrier' to be miserable and do anything in it's power to take it closer to a drink or misery, will create an imaginary wrong doing. sharpen it, make it react off other defects (low self esteem, jealousy etc) and make it into a total monster. The rage, sense of injustice and anger is duly fuelled.
I've always to some or lesser degree lived in this. After all why let the facts get in the way of a good resentment? I cant tell you how many times my mind has instantly reacted badly to something, I've lashed out or acted on it, only to find out I was completely wrong later on. This is imaginary wrong doing and has caused me to say sorry so many times or buy endless bunches of flowers. Untreated alcoholism thrives in this behaviour.
That's why I do AA, a programme. To try and treat those defects. Trouble is sometimes I slip, forget and don't keep it up as often as I should and that way of thinking, because it is so naturally embedded in me, dominates and the anger boils over.
Ultimately it is all based on self and I create it. The only way to do something positive about it is to change the thinking, the reaction, the behaviour, so that I don't react, or lash out. That way is a lot better for the other person although Esso would lose my £4.99 business in buying apology flowers regularly.
There is where it becomes tricky to differentiate between natural anger and alcoholism. We carry so much from our past into the present. Old hurts, resentments & beliefs. When something happens in the present that triggers these old held experiences then BOOM, out comes the emotion. The trick here is to deal with the alcoholism (or alanon-ism) and then you will know if other help is required.
Some people believe in counselling or therapy to get to the root of the triggers. Fair enough but you could be there for a decade and spend a fortune. What happens if we are honest with ourselves ( I mean brutally honest) and highlight certain spots in our life that creates the anger. It cant be everyone else's fault can it?
For me part of it was my father leaving when I was 12. Part of it is the past of my dysfunctional family, part of it my alcoholism. Part of it is how I live my life now and look after myself. They are all linked.
Anger ultimately is a negative emotion. However it is an emotion. Some would have you believe that you are bad to have it. That you are somehow failing. Like a soul sickness. I'm not so sure.
Some people just don't have it. They have a naturally easy going persona and optimistic mind set. Lucky fuckers. But I applaud you. That's great. Some of us don't. Some of us are raging inside, especially in early days of sobriety and feel a sense of injustice, ego, impatience and intolerance. This coupled with a huge ego and low self esteem means most of us are on some kind of collision course with something or other.
So what happens then? If we listen to the people who demonise anger as something you shouldn't have. Do you bury it? Pretend it's not in you? What then?
I have seen so many people who claim they are not angry passive aggressive without even knowing, so tightly wound and full of anger you think they're going to blow with stress. It's laughable the depth of their denial. They are usually control freaks, OCD or just a massive pain in the arse. God bless them.
Some people bury it, yet are full of resentment without even knowing, this can cause them to become detached, cold, isolated and difficult to get close too. I have seen both types. Some are raging lunatics who fire off at all and sundry and end up getting banned from Bikram Yoga. Guess which camp I'm in?
Is people pleasing not a subtle form of anger too? What about silent resentment over a long period of time? Anger is not just in explosive rages, it takes many forms. Who's to say that those who bury anger don't create illness for themselves like depression or cancer. If so much negativity is internalised it can eat away at your soul/body/mind.
That's why I've always been a keen exponent of an old fashioned tear up. Yes of course blowing up can be harmful and have huge repercussions but you feel a fuck load better when all that pressure's been released. Trouble is you leave a trail of devastation that can significant consequences for you and others and is ultimately a hugely selfish act.
The key I guess, is to find a balance. To find coping mechanisms, safe ways to express your anger and avenues to process it safely. Like a safe tear up. Also how to manage yourself when the resentment and anger comes is crucial. All things I am finding out. There are so many processes.
Breathing deeply, yoga, writing down resentments and seeing your own part/sharing with a sponsor, prayer, meditation, therapy, law of attraction ,positive thinking, love. Ultimately if you are in love you cannot be in hate. It's that journey that is so fascinating. That's the book right there. How to go from hate to love by Nicholas Evans! (the other one who's not The Horse Whisperer)
The law of attraction suggests that if you talk about anger then you will become more angry. It suggests if you think loving thoughts and that's what you'll receive. I'm still trying that one.
It's reminds me of a story in the Big Book, which states;
"If you concentrate on the problem, the problem increases. If you concentrate on the solution. The solution increases"
Effectively I take this to be positive thinking, which I'm on board with. But you have to identify and accept the problem 1st before doing something about it. That's why I love this blog, why I love being open. Why I love you mailing me and identifying. It's powerful. The next trick is to find and engage with the process of change. As long as someone wants to do something about it, accepts having it then I'm right behind you. It's the denial of these things that winds me up in people. Plus the moralisers who claim not to have it and judge and criticise people that 'they're not working a programme'.
One of my favourite chapters in the Big Book is 'Spiritual Experience'. It states we learn a spiritual path of the educational variety. Which to me, means getting things wrong, making mistakes and learning how 'not' to do things.
Wise people do it naturally or after one attempt or learn from others, but some of us continually get it wrong until we finally give up and find outside help to do it another way. This to me, is a spiritual experience of the educational variety. I find it comforting.
Your disease of course can make you use it as an excuse for years. I have. Justifying my behaviour by saying, 'progress not perfection'. But who's to say you aren't changing by doing this. When is the time to change the time to change? Answer - When the universe says so.
It may take a girlfriend to end your relationship saying your behaviour is unacceptable, getting arrested or losing a job. Something dramatic to jolt you and show you that the anger and rage is not acceptable. Or maybe something less dramatic, just getting tired of being a certain ways. Whatever it is there is always a moment, a time in your life when you become willing.
As it says, "when the pupil is ready the teacher will emerge and when the teacher is ready the pupil will emerge."
So to wrap up. I'm interested in the process of change and how we can change anger. It's just the beginning in my eyes. I will explore this more this week. I just never wanted to be one of those people who claims spiritual perfection whilst behaving like Hitler in private. My Grandfather Idwell Isaac, a minster in public had a touch of that. Maybe that's why I'm so keen to be open. It hekps me and judging by the emails today, others too.
We haven't even dealt with those on the receiving end yet? I have only experienced being the instigator. I haven't been accountable until now. The people on the end of rage and anger are a different breed. A whole blog can be written about them.
Why? Because it's easy for me (as the one who explodes with rage) to be the bad guy and them (as the person receiving the rage) as the victim. Here we have good cop and bad cop and the one on the end is always the victim and felt sorry for.
But what part do they have to play? Do they put up with it for years? Do they set boundaries? How about their behaviour that can lead to resentment? What happens if they are unaware of their own defects and patterns of behaviour? Does the rager cop all the blame?
In some instances yes. If you dish it out you have to man up and take responsibility of unacceptable behaviour. But a closer look under the bonnet will usually expose all kinds of interesting stuff.
That's the annoying thing about rage, the initial beef usually gets forgotten and never addressed. It's happened to me for years. How can you deal with an initial problem when you've just created 10 dramatic headline ones? Then once, you have apologised the original problem lurks ready to pounce again. That I think is the root of many relationships. It's all about communication.
This is the insanity of anger and resentment particularly in bad relationships. It's waking up to these that's important and both exploring ways to get over them.
I thin I've written enough, Its a long one today but a subject you could literally write a book on. MMMMM, now there's a thought!!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
For me
The mails have mostly been to say people struggle with anger too. It seems I am not alone. They find it difficult to share openly or indeed privately and have been along the lines of, "Thank you for writing this. I identify and It gives me hope that I'm not alone." This is good to hear. Kind of makes this blog relevant and worthwhile.
Most people who have reached out to me, seem to say they suffer from the incredible intolerance, impatience, build up of pressure coupled with resentment and struggle to hold it together. Fuck me, I'm an expert in that seeing as I've blown my top so many times in the past. For the first 5 years of sobriety I was in people's phones as 'Angry Nick'.
This is also dangerous as you can start to play up to it and feel pleased with yourself that you have an identity. The ego loves this and can keep you in it for years.
I must make it clear I am not saying alcoholism has the monopoly on anger and rage. Far from it. Most people will suffer from anger. It is a real and basic human emotion. It comes in many forms for many reasons. Too many to list. But mostly when we feel we have been harmed against, mis-treated or abused. The natural response is to get angry, hurt or resentful.
For most, it is dealt with reasonably quickly. For addicts or alcoholics this emotion is usually maxed out to dramatic and harmful effects. We love a bit of resentment and this fuels the anger and rages. That's why the Big Book (AA bible) states Resentment is the number 1 offender. All kinds of awful character defects feed off this poison and end up ruining days, weeks, months, years, relationships, jobs, lives. It really is that harmful and why dealing with resentment is hugely important.
There is too much to cover in a daily blog post to really explore this topic (I feel a book coming on folks) however it is helpful to find out what is resentment. We know the name but do we understand what it REALLY means?
Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.
So it is an emotion that's negative directly as a result of real or perceived wrong doing. This is where alcoholism and non alcoholics differ.
Normal people usually get resentment over something real. Someone pisses them off. They get looked over for promotion, they get cheated on. Whatever. A life event that sucks causes a natural reaction of anger and resentment. This is normal.
Alcoholics on the other hand, because the disease effectively wants the 'carrier' to be miserable and do anything in it's power to take it closer to a drink or misery, will create an imaginary wrong doing. sharpen it, make it react off other defects (low self esteem, jealousy etc) and make it into a total monster. The rage, sense of injustice and anger is duly fuelled.
I've always to some or lesser degree lived in this. After all why let the facts get in the way of a good resentment? I cant tell you how many times my mind has instantly reacted badly to something, I've lashed out or acted on it, only to find out I was completely wrong later on. This is imaginary wrong doing and has caused me to say sorry so many times or buy endless bunches of flowers. Untreated alcoholism thrives in this behaviour.
That's why I do AA, a programme. To try and treat those defects. Trouble is sometimes I slip, forget and don't keep it up as often as I should and that way of thinking, because it is so naturally embedded in me, dominates and the anger boils over.
Ultimately it is all based on self and I create it. The only way to do something positive about it is to change the thinking, the reaction, the behaviour, so that I don't react, or lash out. That way is a lot better for the other person although Esso would lose my £4.99 business in buying apology flowers regularly.
There is where it becomes tricky to differentiate between natural anger and alcoholism. We carry so much from our past into the present. Old hurts, resentments & beliefs. When something happens in the present that triggers these old held experiences then BOOM, out comes the emotion. The trick here is to deal with the alcoholism (or alanon-ism) and then you will know if other help is required.
Some people believe in counselling or therapy to get to the root of the triggers. Fair enough but you could be there for a decade and spend a fortune. What happens if we are honest with ourselves ( I mean brutally honest) and highlight certain spots in our life that creates the anger. It cant be everyone else's fault can it?
For me part of it was my father leaving when I was 12. Part of it is the past of my dysfunctional family, part of it my alcoholism. Part of it is how I live my life now and look after myself. They are all linked.
Anger ultimately is a negative emotion. However it is an emotion. Some would have you believe that you are bad to have it. That you are somehow failing. Like a soul sickness. I'm not so sure.
Some people just don't have it. They have a naturally easy going persona and optimistic mind set. Lucky fuckers. But I applaud you. That's great. Some of us don't. Some of us are raging inside, especially in early days of sobriety and feel a sense of injustice, ego, impatience and intolerance. This coupled with a huge ego and low self esteem means most of us are on some kind of collision course with something or other.
So what happens then? If we listen to the people who demonise anger as something you shouldn't have. Do you bury it? Pretend it's not in you? What then?
I have seen so many people who claim they are not angry passive aggressive without even knowing, so tightly wound and full of anger you think they're going to blow with stress. It's laughable the depth of their denial. They are usually control freaks, OCD or just a massive pain in the arse. God bless them.
Some people bury it, yet are full of resentment without even knowing, this can cause them to become detached, cold, isolated and difficult to get close too. I have seen both types. Some are raging lunatics who fire off at all and sundry and end up getting banned from Bikram Yoga. Guess which camp I'm in?
Is people pleasing not a subtle form of anger too? What about silent resentment over a long period of time? Anger is not just in explosive rages, it takes many forms. Who's to say that those who bury anger don't create illness for themselves like depression or cancer. If so much negativity is internalised it can eat away at your soul/body/mind.
That's why I've always been a keen exponent of an old fashioned tear up. Yes of course blowing up can be harmful and have huge repercussions but you feel a fuck load better when all that pressure's been released. Trouble is you leave a trail of devastation that can significant consequences for you and others and is ultimately a hugely selfish act.
The key I guess, is to find a balance. To find coping mechanisms, safe ways to express your anger and avenues to process it safely. Like a safe tear up. Also how to manage yourself when the resentment and anger comes is crucial. All things I am finding out. There are so many processes.
Breathing deeply, yoga, writing down resentments and seeing your own part/sharing with a sponsor, prayer, meditation, therapy, law of attraction ,positive thinking, love. Ultimately if you are in love you cannot be in hate. It's that journey that is so fascinating. That's the book right there. How to go from hate to love by Nicholas Evans! (the other one who's not The Horse Whisperer)
The law of attraction suggests that if you talk about anger then you will become more angry. It suggests if you think loving thoughts and that's what you'll receive. I'm still trying that one.
It's reminds me of a story in the Big Book, which states;
"If you concentrate on the problem, the problem increases. If you concentrate on the solution. The solution increases"
Effectively I take this to be positive thinking, which I'm on board with. But you have to identify and accept the problem 1st before doing something about it. That's why I love this blog, why I love being open. Why I love you mailing me and identifying. It's powerful. The next trick is to find and engage with the process of change. As long as someone wants to do something about it, accepts having it then I'm right behind you. It's the denial of these things that winds me up in people. Plus the moralisers who claim not to have it and judge and criticise people that 'they're not working a programme'.
One of my favourite chapters in the Big Book is 'Spiritual Experience'. It states we learn a spiritual path of the educational variety. Which to me, means getting things wrong, making mistakes and learning how 'not' to do things.
Wise people do it naturally or after one attempt or learn from others, but some of us continually get it wrong until we finally give up and find outside help to do it another way. This to me, is a spiritual experience of the educational variety. I find it comforting.
Your disease of course can make you use it as an excuse for years. I have. Justifying my behaviour by saying, 'progress not perfection'. But who's to say you aren't changing by doing this. When is the time to change the time to change? Answer - When the universe says so.
It may take a girlfriend to end your relationship saying your behaviour is unacceptable, getting arrested or losing a job. Something dramatic to jolt you and show you that the anger and rage is not acceptable. Or maybe something less dramatic, just getting tired of being a certain ways. Whatever it is there is always a moment, a time in your life when you become willing.
As it says, "when the pupil is ready the teacher will emerge and when the teacher is ready the pupil will emerge."
So to wrap up. I'm interested in the process of change and how we can change anger. It's just the beginning in my eyes. I will explore this more this week. I just never wanted to be one of those people who claims spiritual perfection whilst behaving like Hitler in private. My Grandfather Idwell Isaac, a minster in public had a touch of that. Maybe that's why I'm so keen to be open. It hekps me and judging by the emails today, others too.
We haven't even dealt with those on the receiving end yet? I have only experienced being the instigator. I haven't been accountable until now. The people on the end of rage and anger are a different breed. A whole blog can be written about them.
Why? Because it's easy for me (as the one who explodes with rage) to be the bad guy and them (as the person receiving the rage) as the victim. Here we have good cop and bad cop and the one on the end is always the victim and felt sorry for.
But what part do they have to play? Do they put up with it for years? Do they set boundaries? How about their behaviour that can lead to resentment? What happens if they are unaware of their own defects and patterns of behaviour? Does the rager cop all the blame?
In some instances yes. If you dish it out you have to man up and take responsibility of unacceptable behaviour. But a closer look under the bonnet will usually expose all kinds of interesting stuff.
That's the annoying thing about rage, the initial beef usually gets forgotten and never addressed. It's happened to me for years. How can you deal with an initial problem when you've just created 10 dramatic headline ones? Then once, you have apologised the original problem lurks ready to pounce again. That I think is the root of many relationships. It's all about communication.
This is the insanity of anger and resentment particularly in bad relationships. It's waking up to these that's important and both exploring ways to get over them.
I thin I've written enough, Its a long one today but a subject you could literally write a book on. MMMMM, now there's a thought!!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
For me
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day 76 - Anger & Relationships
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#Ch4GEItr8mTPb1sC.99
"When angry count to four, when very angry, swear" - Mark TwainRead more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#Ch4GEItr8mTPb1sC.99
I have a deep anger burning inside and sometimes when I'm on the edge and not looking after myself it spills out into a rage. That's what happened this weekend.
The alcoholic ego came out in force, an outpouring of bile, resentment & anger. I didn't become angry, I became very angry and man did I follow Mark Twain's advice. It wasn't pretty.
Of course what I didn't realise is that when I have my blow ups (occasional they maybe but pretty explosive none the less) It has a deep affect on the person on the receiving end.
It happens much less these days. I used to be awful. Firing off at all and sundry as my angry ego ran riot. It's easier to destroy someone else when you don't feel very good about yourself. I believe they call it reflection projection, or being a twat.
So this weekend, because I didn't look after myself last week. Because I worked hard, didn't sleep, ate shit, ran on adrenaline and caffeine I ended up ragged, intolerant and mind racing 20 times quicker than the rest of the world.
I have never experienced Bi polar myself but I've seen enough of it in my family to know that manic depressives sometimes just cant wait for the world to catch up and completely destroy people for being 'idiots' and not being on their level.
This is how I felt at the end of the week. So what did I do?
Did i call upon 12 years of solid recovery and remember all the tricks and traits I've been taught?
Did I remove myself from a situation and re-engage when I was feeling rested? Did I call upon my spiritual guide and help me to see another path? Did I fuck. I steamed in all guns blazing and completely asassinated someone close to me. Twat.
As the rage took over I found myself powerless to stop it. It was like a drink. As I went on, I picked up pace and momentum and became worse. The rage deepening, the resentment getting worse. I believe at one point my mind couldn't keep up with my swearing. I was lost in it.
I would have kept it going until my original point, of which I believed I was right, was acknowledged of being right and the person close to me wrong. In the big picture it doesn't matter who's right, but in that moment it was the secret of life. It was that important. I simply had to be right and would do anything in my power to get the other person to see that. They didn't so I got more and more cross.
In the end, they put a stop to it and I was asked to leave. After much protestations my ego finally conjured the words, 'nobody asks me to leave'. I stopped short of using the classic, 'don't you know who I think I am'. But that's what I was thinking. Nobody does that to the Great Nick. The oracle of all information.
I swear it was like when I was drinking.
Trouble is I don't understand or see the harm it does on the receiving end. The hurtful words and force of rage. I'm never violent or a wife beater. But I do have a bad tongue when it ocmes to hurting people.
I have spent the weekend apologising and suffering the consequences of my behaviour. Its not big or clever, but for some it's real. It happens. The trick is to learn from it, don't put myself in that position again, look after myself and if in that mood again take it to an appropriate place. Not take it out on a loved one. As I have learnt it is not acceptable.
I cant lie. Sometimes I fall down. I make mistakes. Sometimes I let my deep laying resentments get the better of me. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite and preach recovery whilst not doing it myself. That's pretty much what happened this weekend.
So I got hold of myself., went to a meeting, shared with friends, got some sleep and made amends. Thing is that's just words. The real amends is in action, as in nurturing not destroying. Try filtering that information down to my alcoholic ego sometimes. That's got to be the goal moving forward. And if I happen to be right, well that's a double bonus. (I'm not that well yet)
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Friday, March 21, 2014
Day 74 - A Colossal Week
It's Friday night. I'm knackered. Done in. Spent.
I feel like a dog who's licked his balls raw. I'm not going to lie. I'm absolutely buggered.
It's been a colossal week. Super busy, some iconic moments, very little time to procrastinate, very little sleep, lots of caffeine and nicotine and I feel ragged. Both physically and mentally.
I was too busy to write yesterday. Gutted. Today has been no different.
Throughout it all I retain an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I mustn't forget I'm lucky to be in this position. That's a real saving grace. I passed a guy at the station, trying to fight against the tide of commuters going up the stairs as he tried to go down.
He was physically impaired with a slight hint of desperation in the effort he was having to put in to go down the stairs and the people bumping him as they went in the opposite direction. Taking no notice as they plugged into their ITunes. It made me angry. He had a determined look on his face, was shaking heavily and in that moment I felt a huge sense of admiration for him, an overwhelming sense of anger at the uncaring commuters and complete empathy to him. I also felt completely grateful at my situation and thanked the higher force, power, whatever it is, for my life.
Being so busy and stressed out this week has made me feel slightly impatient and frustrated so moments like that are very special and make me realise deep down I'm on the right path and retain enough to feel good about who I am inside. I cant explain it very well but I felt more for that guy than most others I met today.
This week has been big. I bagged a deal at work (provisional), met loads of people, dined with royalty at Buckingham Palace, had lots of stress about setting up a company, came to moments of realisation about my entrepreneurial skills, let my ego run away with me, and today I met the deputy speaker of the House Of Parliament. It's been a roller coaster.
One thing I did realise about her was her immaculate red painted nails. I wanted to comment on them but didn't think it appropriate. I love red painted nails and she had some belters. I'm not sure it Would have been the best comment to make in an ultra corporate formal environment though.
The head has been building, I'm low on meetings and my tolerance for people, places and things goes down to zero. I just want things done. I want attention. I want a gold star for being such a good boy this week.
Do I want praise and adulation? Fuck yes. Does my ego need feeding? Fuck yes. Do I demand more mental and physical attention than any normal person should expect? Of course!! I realise all these things about myself when I don't sleep enough, load myself with caffeine and get cracking with loads of work. The adrenaline pumps, your foot starts tapping, I up my cigarette habit and generally cant wait for someone to give me all those things. My ego demands them!
I know I'm a demanding bloke and king baby sometimes, but you know what I feel I deserve it this week. Just this week. It's been huge for this little nobody. Tomorrow I will feel differently it wont matter it would have passed but today, fuck yes do I want some praise!
It's not an area I particularly like, but its odd saying that publicly when mostly I would just do things subtly and manipulatively to get the attention I crave.
I'm going to take this weekend to get myself back on track. Eat healthy, juice, go to yoga, exercise, drink loads of water, meditate, do loads of meetings. It's well needed and I would do well to serve it.
having said that, it's 10pm. I've got 3 diet cokes in my fridge, I'm polishing a resentment. I've just wolfed down some ice cream, chocolate and cake and I'm ready for a 7 hour computer session. Nobody said I had to get well tonight did they?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
I feel like a dog who's licked his balls raw. I'm not going to lie. I'm absolutely buggered.
It's been a colossal week. Super busy, some iconic moments, very little time to procrastinate, very little sleep, lots of caffeine and nicotine and I feel ragged. Both physically and mentally.
I was too busy to write yesterday. Gutted. Today has been no different.
Throughout it all I retain an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I mustn't forget I'm lucky to be in this position. That's a real saving grace. I passed a guy at the station, trying to fight against the tide of commuters going up the stairs as he tried to go down.
He was physically impaired with a slight hint of desperation in the effort he was having to put in to go down the stairs and the people bumping him as they went in the opposite direction. Taking no notice as they plugged into their ITunes. It made me angry. He had a determined look on his face, was shaking heavily and in that moment I felt a huge sense of admiration for him, an overwhelming sense of anger at the uncaring commuters and complete empathy to him. I also felt completely grateful at my situation and thanked the higher force, power, whatever it is, for my life.
Being so busy and stressed out this week has made me feel slightly impatient and frustrated so moments like that are very special and make me realise deep down I'm on the right path and retain enough to feel good about who I am inside. I cant explain it very well but I felt more for that guy than most others I met today.
This week has been big. I bagged a deal at work (provisional), met loads of people, dined with royalty at Buckingham Palace, had lots of stress about setting up a company, came to moments of realisation about my entrepreneurial skills, let my ego run away with me, and today I met the deputy speaker of the House Of Parliament. It's been a roller coaster.
One thing I did realise about her was her immaculate red painted nails. I wanted to comment on them but didn't think it appropriate. I love red painted nails and she had some belters. I'm not sure it Would have been the best comment to make in an ultra corporate formal environment though.
The head has been building, I'm low on meetings and my tolerance for people, places and things goes down to zero. I just want things done. I want attention. I want a gold star for being such a good boy this week.
Do I want praise and adulation? Fuck yes. Does my ego need feeding? Fuck yes. Do I demand more mental and physical attention than any normal person should expect? Of course!! I realise all these things about myself when I don't sleep enough, load myself with caffeine and get cracking with loads of work. The adrenaline pumps, your foot starts tapping, I up my cigarette habit and generally cant wait for someone to give me all those things. My ego demands them!
I know I'm a demanding bloke and king baby sometimes, but you know what I feel I deserve it this week. Just this week. It's been huge for this little nobody. Tomorrow I will feel differently it wont matter it would have passed but today, fuck yes do I want some praise!
It's not an area I particularly like, but its odd saying that publicly when mostly I would just do things subtly and manipulatively to get the attention I crave.
I'm going to take this weekend to get myself back on track. Eat healthy, juice, go to yoga, exercise, drink loads of water, meditate, do loads of meetings. It's well needed and I would do well to serve it.
having said that, it's 10pm. I've got 3 diet cokes in my fridge, I'm polishing a resentment. I've just wolfed down some ice cream, chocolate and cake and I'm ready for a 7 hour computer session. Nobody said I had to get well tonight did they?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
day 72 - Busy Busy & An Introduction to The Secret
It's midnight. I'm just home. It's been a busy day/eve. I'm pretty washed out but just wanted to check in.
This morning I changed a habit I'd got into and meditated again (for 5 mins) after an absence of weeks. It's far easier to fall out of routine than it is to form one. Still, at least I made an attempt today. And I did a Nutri-bullet vegetable shake for breakfast.
On the way to work I listened to The Secret on Audio Books. It is a book that describes how to create a tip top life for yourself through various means including the law of attraction.
It's early days for me and lots to take in, new concepts to consider and practice, however it was effectively saying that your mind, your thoughts and brain can really design the life for yourself you want.
It highlights the power of meditation, positive thinking, dynamic ordering from the universe and clear specific objectives. None of which I have been particularly good at.
It's late and I only listened to 25 mins so it's far too early to judge (though to be fair I usually judge something on it's cover or first 2 mins so something is changing)
I went to work with a positive attitude and had a really good day. It was upbeat, creative and I met some top positive people. It really rubs off. I love being around those kind of people as I spark off it.
Then in the evening I went to a meeting. I'm pretty light on them in the moment and spent the first hour judging everyone, wanting not to be there. It was the opposite of my upbeat day. They all seemed to be talking about the problems and it was like a 'see who can out suicide each other' competition. Everyone was talking about thoughts of killing themselves in the past. I was thinking, 'where is the alcoholism'. I was getting twitchy. When the 8th person to share about suicide weighed in, I thought, 'fuck me why didn't you'. My brain was not helping matters.
I refocused. Chanelled loving thoughts, had a word with myself and said, 'these people can talk about what they like. Sort your own house out first.' It did the trick. I changed my attitude and reconnected.
At least people can be honest about these feelings in a safe enviroment. It's better to share the thoughts than do it. So I felt a power in the room and a freeing energy when I got my sodding head out of the way.
Having said that, what about my old man who committed suicide by instalments over a 28 year period of alcoholism .Not quite as headline grabbing is it? I have seen people with untreated alcoholism commit suicide. I have seen practicing alcoholics do it and I have seen mentally ill people do it or clinically depressed. I never know where alcoholism finishes and mental illness begins. Best stay out of that debate at 12.30am.
The bottom line is that I am fortunate not to have depression, suicidal thoughts or be prone to it. My heart goes out to people who do and I guess in a way the meeting tonight was an example of the power of sharing the thoughts you could never in normal society.
It just gets a bit fucking depressing when you get 8 in a row. If there would have been a 9th Lord knows what I would have. Even the beams in the roof start looking appealing. (Joke) If you cant laugh about these things then what can you do? It's not that I am minimising the pain or horror or seriousness but I think trying to laugh at tragedy is as valid as crying. It's just not quite as socially acceptable.
That's all I have. A change of attitude in the meeting, a positive attitude day and I didn't kill myself or any others. A good day all round.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
This morning I changed a habit I'd got into and meditated again (for 5 mins) after an absence of weeks. It's far easier to fall out of routine than it is to form one. Still, at least I made an attempt today. And I did a Nutri-bullet vegetable shake for breakfast.
On the way to work I listened to The Secret on Audio Books. It is a book that describes how to create a tip top life for yourself through various means including the law of attraction.
It's early days for me and lots to take in, new concepts to consider and practice, however it was effectively saying that your mind, your thoughts and brain can really design the life for yourself you want.
It highlights the power of meditation, positive thinking, dynamic ordering from the universe and clear specific objectives. None of which I have been particularly good at.
It's late and I only listened to 25 mins so it's far too early to judge (though to be fair I usually judge something on it's cover or first 2 mins so something is changing)
I went to work with a positive attitude and had a really good day. It was upbeat, creative and I met some top positive people. It really rubs off. I love being around those kind of people as I spark off it.
Then in the evening I went to a meeting. I'm pretty light on them in the moment and spent the first hour judging everyone, wanting not to be there. It was the opposite of my upbeat day. They all seemed to be talking about the problems and it was like a 'see who can out suicide each other' competition. Everyone was talking about thoughts of killing themselves in the past. I was thinking, 'where is the alcoholism'. I was getting twitchy. When the 8th person to share about suicide weighed in, I thought, 'fuck me why didn't you'. My brain was not helping matters.
I refocused. Chanelled loving thoughts, had a word with myself and said, 'these people can talk about what they like. Sort your own house out first.' It did the trick. I changed my attitude and reconnected.
At least people can be honest about these feelings in a safe enviroment. It's better to share the thoughts than do it. So I felt a power in the room and a freeing energy when I got my sodding head out of the way.
Having said that, what about my old man who committed suicide by instalments over a 28 year period of alcoholism .Not quite as headline grabbing is it? I have seen people with untreated alcoholism commit suicide. I have seen practicing alcoholics do it and I have seen mentally ill people do it or clinically depressed. I never know where alcoholism finishes and mental illness begins. Best stay out of that debate at 12.30am.
The bottom line is that I am fortunate not to have depression, suicidal thoughts or be prone to it. My heart goes out to people who do and I guess in a way the meeting tonight was an example of the power of sharing the thoughts you could never in normal society.
It just gets a bit fucking depressing when you get 8 in a row. If there would have been a 9th Lord knows what I would have. Even the beams in the roof start looking appealing. (Joke) If you cant laugh about these things then what can you do? It's not that I am minimising the pain or horror or seriousness but I think trying to laugh at tragedy is as valid as crying. It's just not quite as socially acceptable.
That's all I have. A change of attitude in the meeting, a positive attitude day and I didn't kill myself or any others. A good day all round.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Day 71 - Buckingham Palace
There are certain days in your life that stand out. Memorable occasions that stay with you forever. For some it's the birth of your child. Or your wedding day (or divorce day - oops) For others it's your football team winning the league or cup. It could even be your first love or the day you popped your cherry.
Whatever the occasion, it means so much more when stored in the memory bank than a digital camera. Those are the best memories. The ones where you can think back, smile to yourself and feel good thoughts.
I had one of those days today. Not so much because of what I did or what I felt, more because what it meant to others. Let me explain why.
As part of the organisation I work for I was invited as part of a group to Buckingham Palace for a private lunch with a member of the Royal Family, Patron for the organisation.
Now I'm going to be careful here because I made the mistake 2 years ago on my blog of discussing work and I don't want to do it this time. Work is work. I'm paid to do a job and I actually like doing it and am glad to do it. But there is no need for me to discuss it or the details. Suffice to say it is a grown up corporate job so I need to be respectful of that. I do hope you understand.
Plus of course it's not cool to talk about The Palace experience or details, so for once I'm going to have to shut it.
The only thing I can really say about is the arrival - Invites to the Palace were for 12pm sharp with Passports, ID and invitation. When we arrived there was around 5,000 tourists watching the changing of the guard at the gates. It was packed. We squeezed past and walked right in the front gates, with the crowd trying to figure out if we were important or not. (not)
I had 'Beckham' shouted at me a few times. Pretty standard fayre. I'm not sure the real Beckham would have arrived on foot carrying a laptop bag with 3 packs of gum and 20 silk cut concealed in his pocket. Still, who knows.
We had a private lunch with HRH. it was really rather splendid and one of those occasions when you think, 'is this really happening?' - it was quite surreal.
All I can say is the small amount we saw of the Palace, was both inspiring and like a really posh Nan's house. Except larger. Old fashioned, grand, enormous, formal yet completely relaxed (if that makes any sense)
It was a totally unique day and if I'm honest I did have a touch of, 'I cant believe I'm here', tinged with a smidgen of guilt that I should be a more intellectual social commentator and I'm not sure where I sit on the whole royal debate.
But if I'm honest I work in a corporate environment so I cant have it both ways. Part of me would love to be a Bill Hicks style commentator but in reality I'm not. I'll leave that to the ones who do it properly. I would just be pretending and I'm not in the habit of doing that anymore. I'm really trying not to be a hypocrite any more.
Part of me was trying to be cool, professional and laid back. Which I usually am. People are just people. Houses are just houses. I tend not to go too overboard on these things.
But also there was a part of me that I have learnt from sobriety which is 'sod being cool or behaving as your supposed to. Enjoy the moment and feel your emotion. So part of me thought, 'Holy fuck this is pretty fucking amazing!!!! 6 weeks in the job and I'm having lunch with Royalty at Buckingham Palace!!! FFFUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!"
Unfortunately I couldn't take a selfie in there so I have no pics to share with you. But I do have my memories and it will stay with me forever.
Not because I was so impressed. But because my Nan, who has been gone nearly 2 years and whose birthday would have been next month was a huge royalist. She absolutely loved them. She had the plates, the mugs and the tea towels. My last happy memory was watching the jubilee with her in the hospice before she died. She loved them.,
My Mum is also a big supporter (I never have been), so the special significance of today was for them really. My Mum was very proud. saying I was the first member of the family to meet royalty or be in the Palace (other than on a public tour) My nan would have been absolutely made up and I had a little prayer for her today.
So that's why it's a special day. Not so much for me but for my Mum and memory of my Nan. Sometimes they say parents live their life through their kids. I don't have any so I have no idea if it's true. But I know that parents are so happy and full of love when their kids do something noteworthy.
To me I didn't, I was invited as part of the organisation, not because I did anything special. But that's immaterial, I'm going to give this day to them, which I know sounds a bit wanky but it's true. That's why today was so special really.
I'm just gutted I couldn't get a pic of us for my blog. Now one would have boosted one's readership then wouldn't one.
Just on a final note. Far be it for me to criticise anything about how the Palace run their events. Obviously everything is all top class. All white gloves and solid silver. But I did note my place name was uneven. One would have expected the name to be dead set in the centre. I'm pretty sure the 'table name printer' aide had an off day. I mean don't get me wrong it didn't affect my whole day. It's just that it was 2mm off. All that I can think is that they expected an OBE or MBE or 'Sir' to fill up the space. Good job I scribbled 'The' in - front of Nick Evans. Filled it up nicely then.
Together we are right royally stronger
Nicholas Evans
Whatever the occasion, it means so much more when stored in the memory bank than a digital camera. Those are the best memories. The ones where you can think back, smile to yourself and feel good thoughts.
I had one of those days today. Not so much because of what I did or what I felt, more because what it meant to others. Let me explain why.
As part of the organisation I work for I was invited as part of a group to Buckingham Palace for a private lunch with a member of the Royal Family, Patron for the organisation.
Now I'm going to be careful here because I made the mistake 2 years ago on my blog of discussing work and I don't want to do it this time. Work is work. I'm paid to do a job and I actually like doing it and am glad to do it. But there is no need for me to discuss it or the details. Suffice to say it is a grown up corporate job so I need to be respectful of that. I do hope you understand.
Plus of course it's not cool to talk about The Palace experience or details, so for once I'm going to have to shut it.
The only thing I can really say about is the arrival - Invites to the Palace were for 12pm sharp with Passports, ID and invitation. When we arrived there was around 5,000 tourists watching the changing of the guard at the gates. It was packed. We squeezed past and walked right in the front gates, with the crowd trying to figure out if we were important or not. (not)
I had 'Beckham' shouted at me a few times. Pretty standard fayre. I'm not sure the real Beckham would have arrived on foot carrying a laptop bag with 3 packs of gum and 20 silk cut concealed in his pocket. Still, who knows.
We had a private lunch with HRH. it was really rather splendid and one of those occasions when you think, 'is this really happening?' - it was quite surreal.
All I can say is the small amount we saw of the Palace, was both inspiring and like a really posh Nan's house. Except larger. Old fashioned, grand, enormous, formal yet completely relaxed (if that makes any sense)
It was a totally unique day and if I'm honest I did have a touch of, 'I cant believe I'm here', tinged with a smidgen of guilt that I should be a more intellectual social commentator and I'm not sure where I sit on the whole royal debate.
But if I'm honest I work in a corporate environment so I cant have it both ways. Part of me would love to be a Bill Hicks style commentator but in reality I'm not. I'll leave that to the ones who do it properly. I would just be pretending and I'm not in the habit of doing that anymore. I'm really trying not to be a hypocrite any more.
Part of me was trying to be cool, professional and laid back. Which I usually am. People are just people. Houses are just houses. I tend not to go too overboard on these things.
But also there was a part of me that I have learnt from sobriety which is 'sod being cool or behaving as your supposed to. Enjoy the moment and feel your emotion. So part of me thought, 'Holy fuck this is pretty fucking amazing!!!! 6 weeks in the job and I'm having lunch with Royalty at Buckingham Palace!!! FFFUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!"
Unfortunately I couldn't take a selfie in there so I have no pics to share with you. But I do have my memories and it will stay with me forever.
Not because I was so impressed. But because my Nan, who has been gone nearly 2 years and whose birthday would have been next month was a huge royalist. She absolutely loved them. She had the plates, the mugs and the tea towels. My last happy memory was watching the jubilee with her in the hospice before she died. She loved them.,
My Mum is also a big supporter (I never have been), so the special significance of today was for them really. My Mum was very proud. saying I was the first member of the family to meet royalty or be in the Palace (other than on a public tour) My nan would have been absolutely made up and I had a little prayer for her today.
So that's why it's a special day. Not so much for me but for my Mum and memory of my Nan. Sometimes they say parents live their life through their kids. I don't have any so I have no idea if it's true. But I know that parents are so happy and full of love when their kids do something noteworthy.
To me I didn't, I was invited as part of the organisation, not because I did anything special. But that's immaterial, I'm going to give this day to them, which I know sounds a bit wanky but it's true. That's why today was so special really.
I'm just gutted I couldn't get a pic of us for my blog. Now one would have boosted one's readership then wouldn't one.
Just on a final note. Far be it for me to criticise anything about how the Palace run their events. Obviously everything is all top class. All white gloves and solid silver. But I did note my place name was uneven. One would have expected the name to be dead set in the centre. I'm pretty sure the 'table name printer' aide had an off day. I mean don't get me wrong it didn't affect my whole day. It's just that it was 2mm off. All that I can think is that they expected an OBE or MBE or 'Sir' to fill up the space. Good job I scribbled 'The' in - front of Nick Evans. Filled it up nicely then.
Together we are right royally stronger
Nicholas Evans
Monday, March 17, 2014
Day 70 - Now that's what I call English..RIP Clarissa
One has to honour the life of the universally loved Clarissa Dickson Wright. Someone whom, I as a Welshman brought up in England, would describe as quintessentially English. She was a total legend. A complete scream. A right royal laugh and rip roaring sober drunk. She was a top girl. She died today aged 66 and I for one, honour her.
Anyone reading this from abroad maybe wondering, 'who the f***k was Clarissa Dickson Wright'? Well, let me tell you she was all that is good about being English.
Well spoken ,well read, educated, great sense of humour, totally non politically correct (Not getting involved in all that rubbish - her words), a top cook, a lover of all things that are bad for you and many years sober after tearing the arse out of a £3million inheritance in heavy alcoholism.
She was a trained and successful barrister until losing her job due to her alcoholism. Then, after drinking her way through a fortune, she reinvented herself as a TV chef, being spotted working as a cook for a Private dining club. She joined forces with another completely batty old girl and became a TV sensation as 'The Two Fat Ladies'.
I was in love with those two portly wenches. They were from a by gone era. Men were men in their breeches, or little boys and women were women. They insisted on cooking with tremendous amounts of lard, goose, fat, butter, sugar and fatty meat. healthy option was not for them. Proper old school grub. They didn't bother about fancy portions, new style fads. Fuck that, those two beauties were proper old school English and we loved it.
They had tremendous voices, a great sense of humour and didn't take anything too seriously. Least of all themselves. They loved a drink and a smoke, had beautifully manicured nails and I for one remember developing a really odd fixation of seeing close ups of their beautifully manicured painted nails, fat fingers kneading raw minced meat in bowls. Granted it was odd, but I would like to think they would have appreciated such insanity.
Before the age of women's lib, gender equality and feminism, Clarissa, with her old school values, became a successful woman in law followed by television and then writing. A true modern woman with old fashioned views.
She, for me, was a Great Briton and the world is a much less colourful place without her. She wiped the floor with some of the humourless feminists you get today. She didn't worry about that, she just relied on her force of spirit, talent and goose fat roasters to get her to the top.
The Inside Job salutes her. Many years sober and a lover of life. One can only marvel and vow to have just a little of her joy De Vivre. RIP girls, you were real beauties.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Anyone reading this from abroad maybe wondering, 'who the f***k was Clarissa Dickson Wright'? Well, let me tell you she was all that is good about being English.
Well spoken ,well read, educated, great sense of humour, totally non politically correct (Not getting involved in all that rubbish - her words), a top cook, a lover of all things that are bad for you and many years sober after tearing the arse out of a £3million inheritance in heavy alcoholism.
She was a trained and successful barrister until losing her job due to her alcoholism. Then, after drinking her way through a fortune, she reinvented herself as a TV chef, being spotted working as a cook for a Private dining club. She joined forces with another completely batty old girl and became a TV sensation as 'The Two Fat Ladies'.
I was in love with those two portly wenches. They were from a by gone era. Men were men in their breeches, or little boys and women were women. They insisted on cooking with tremendous amounts of lard, goose, fat, butter, sugar and fatty meat. healthy option was not for them. Proper old school grub. They didn't bother about fancy portions, new style fads. Fuck that, those two beauties were proper old school English and we loved it.
They had tremendous voices, a great sense of humour and didn't take anything too seriously. Least of all themselves. They loved a drink and a smoke, had beautifully manicured nails and I for one remember developing a really odd fixation of seeing close ups of their beautifully manicured painted nails, fat fingers kneading raw minced meat in bowls. Granted it was odd, but I would like to think they would have appreciated such insanity.
Before the age of women's lib, gender equality and feminism, Clarissa, with her old school values, became a successful woman in law followed by television and then writing. A true modern woman with old fashioned views.
She, for me, was a Great Briton and the world is a much less colourful place without her. She wiped the floor with some of the humourless feminists you get today. She didn't worry about that, she just relied on her force of spirit, talent and goose fat roasters to get her to the top.
The Inside Job salutes her. Many years sober and a lover of life. One can only marvel and vow to have just a little of her joy De Vivre. RIP girls, you were real beauties.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Day 69 - Battered Sausage & Chips
I had to be persuaded to write my blog tonight. If I'm honest I couldn't be arsed. It's 9pm, Sunday night, I've had 3 hours kip last night, I feel like eating the world. A blog is not high on my list of inspirational actions to do.
Yesterday was bizarre. I agreed to MC and Compere a charity dinner for a friend running the marathon for Action on Addiction. So I ended up driving to Salisbury and delivering an auction to 80 adults dressed as school children in the grounds of Salisbury Cathedral in a private girls school.
I'm not sure my opening gambit of, "I was 5th choice on the list tonight, unfortunately Stuart Hall, Fred the Weather Man, Freddie Starr and DLT were unavailable. Mind you, they would have loved this gig", went down too well. 50% laughed.
Still, it was good fun and I got them close to £3k on the auction so that was my bit done right? If I do that good turn for charity does that mean I can act disgracefully now on one occasion and it's even Karma? Does it work like that?
Anyways I have eaten my own body weight in grub today because I'm tired. So I'm cutting this short because I have to eat battered sausage & chips and watch Mission Impossible now. Nothing like preparation for a busy week. My body is not so much a temple tonight, as a alleyway next to a pub and betting shop.
Next week I'll work on health, but tonight. Unleash the swords of battered sausage! May we feast on saturated fat and #carbwank my lord.
That is all.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Yesterday was bizarre. I agreed to MC and Compere a charity dinner for a friend running the marathon for Action on Addiction. So I ended up driving to Salisbury and delivering an auction to 80 adults dressed as school children in the grounds of Salisbury Cathedral in a private girls school.
I'm not sure my opening gambit of, "I was 5th choice on the list tonight, unfortunately Stuart Hall, Fred the Weather Man, Freddie Starr and DLT were unavailable. Mind you, they would have loved this gig", went down too well. 50% laughed.
Still, it was good fun and I got them close to £3k on the auction so that was my bit done right? If I do that good turn for charity does that mean I can act disgracefully now on one occasion and it's even Karma? Does it work like that?
Anyways I have eaten my own body weight in grub today because I'm tired. So I'm cutting this short because I have to eat battered sausage & chips and watch Mission Impossible now. Nothing like preparation for a busy week. My body is not so much a temple tonight, as a alleyway next to a pub and betting shop.
Next week I'll work on health, but tonight. Unleash the swords of battered sausage! May we feast on saturated fat and #carbwank my lord.
That is all.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Day 68 - Pretty Woman, Masculinity and Fear.
I've missed the past few days. My last entry was Weds and fortunately (for you or me, I can't work out which) I've been busy.
On Thursday night I cooked a meal for my girlfriend. I cook on average every 2 weeks for myself, so it was good to actually make the effort. Cooking is an act of love, both for self and others. When you don't spend the time preparing and cooking good food for yourself it's another form of self sabotage.
I have been so guilty of that for large majority of my life (which all links in the self love, care and self hatred) so it felt good to cook for my woman. Plus I know for a fact that girls love guys cooking and the chances of nookie dramatically increase. I have to admit my intentions did have some selfish notions. I cant show myself to be too spiritual can I?
After a busy day at work on Friday I nipped to the gym (feels good to be back after my back is better if not fully healed), then my regular meeting, getting home at 10.30pm exhausted. I couldn't face writing so I just vegetated in front of the TV and watched Pretty Woman. Yes I really did. I watched Pretty Woman.
It was Steak and blow job day (which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard by the way) and I was watching a mushy 80's film that romanticises prostitution. I'm usually more of a 'Requiem For A Dream' type of man (If you haven't watched it, do. It's a proper harsh representation of prostitution) but I felt mentally monged, so candy floss was good.
It challenged my male ego of course. 'Is this acceptable for a man? Should I be doing this? I feel guilty and embarrassed.' What did it matter, I was alone. I clearly needed male advice.
So I texted Man Club. A Whats App group me and 3 mates have formed to keep in touch with each other throughout the day (or night) and have ridiculous male banter.
One of my mates, whom I dearly love, is so male he only speaks to people who like football. He is not a man who does feelings. He has no time for spiritual or emotional debate. He likes sport, meat and his family. He's old school. His ultimate summer's day is watching 12 hours of sport. He was perfect in this instance.
Me - "Watching Pretty Woman - Acceptable?"
Him - "Quality film that."
Bingo! Male conscience eased. I watched Pretty Woman, on my own on Steak and Blow Job day and I'm not going to lie, I actually enjoyed it. (But sscchhh, don't tell anyone)
The male ego was screaming of course, 'This isn't what Frankie Boyle would do. This isn't what all your hell raiser heroes would do. This is shit!! Look at Richard Gere's quiff for fucks sake. It's bigger than the 80's shoulder pads. And that Julia Roberts. She's not a proper whore. If she was she would be ringing out his bell-end for a $20 crack pipe."
It was told in no uncertain terms to, 'shut the fuck up' and I settled back to enjoy the schmaltzy shit. It's good to check out now and again and leave the intellectual debate aside for one second. I even shed a tear at the end. To be fair though, when I lived in Balham, next to Tooting Common, which was a notorious red light area, I used to see a lot of the prostitutes standing around waiting for business (never been my thing by the way). They never had the look of romance about them. In fact most of them looked more like Andy Roberts, the former West Indian fast bowler than Julia Roberts. Still. It's only the movies right?
That's why I didn't write my blog. I feel a little guilty but sometimes it's hard when you commit to write every day and you have live life, or you're really tired or don't have anything in your head to say. Since starting this full time job 6 weeks ago, my life has changed. The focus is now on this job. It takes up a lot of time that I used to have to myself. It's a good thing of course but sometimes I really miss that time. I do love a bit of proscratination. Or in real terms, dossing.
Since the grown up job started a lot of the things I was implementing have slipped. The morning routine, the meditation, the chanting, the connection with a spiritual force and yoga have mostly halted. This has coincide with an increase in smoking and diet coke/gum. Coincidence?
Someone mentioned to me in the week. 'I'm waiting to read about that change in you that you started off the year seeking'. It was a good point and made me ponder.
It's boring writing about the same thing every day. It's boring to live it, be in it, write it and read it. I have a deep yearning within to affect the change and write how to do it. We all need to see progress to feel we are moving forwards. Staying still is painful.
However on the other side, if you want to tell the truth you cannot pass on something you haven't got. There in lays the dilemma.
If I'm brutally honest, I asked myself, "is there change within me and this blog?
Here is my answer. In certain things no, but in the bigger picture, yes. We are always changing. Sometimes it's so subtle both myself and the outside world can't see it. It's like your hair. You can't see it growing but it does.
Here's an example - On Thursday morning I woke up in crippling financial fear. For no particular reason. But in it anyway. I was regretting the past of not being more savvy in saving and projecting the future in 6 months when my contract comes to an end and I'll be out of work. It's not a good place to be. Very negative and disabling but oh so familiar. It was dark.
I rang someone I trust on the way to work and grassed myself up. I told them my irrational fears. They listened for a few minutes and reminded me of 'living in the day' and a faith in a higher power. I always need reminding see. Sometimes prayer or meditation doesn't connect me or remind me that it's not just lonely old me on the planet. Sometimes I need reminding or at least a connection with another human being on my level to understand and say, "it's OK Nick. It's just your head."
I had already begun the process of change by confessing my shitty head to another human being. It didn't really matter what they came back, I had already started the process of removing the cancerous thoughts.
They continued on the train journey to work. Then after 25 Min's, when I was walking over Waterloo Bridge on a beautiful sunny spring morning, I thought to myself. 'You have to affect the change Nick. Work hard, put the effort in. You may get another contract. It's up to you. Go for it. Put the action in and let the big dog up there take care of the rest.'
Not exactly revolutionary stuff. You may do that naturally. I believe they call it 'getting on with it'. It maybe second nature to you - but to me? Fuck me it's like rocket science. I just needed to find the process to get there.
Nobody would have known that throughout the day. I showed up for work. did what I had to and cracked on. The process I went through I only knew, and that is the subtle nature of change. You don't need to make a song and dance about it. We all do it on a daily basis. I just thought it was an interesting example of changing behavioural patterns.
It's much easier living in the now instead of the past or future. You can get on with what needs to be done then. I liked it. For me, I need that process to get to that way of thinking. I am aware there are many other ways. I'm not a one size fits all man. But ultimately to access it you have to find some kind of spiritual way. Whatever that may be.
As they say 'you design your own life'. You get exactly what you deserve, which when you are on the receiving end of a massive load of shit, is tough to take. But it's true. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
A past of financial irresponsibility, low self esteem and fear of the future has meant I have lived my life a certain way. It all comes back to the way I have designed my life according to my head. I have been run by it and my defects for as long as I can remember, without even knowing and the consequences have meant the way my life has gone and turned out.
For me (and it's just for me) I'm comfortable with the notion of a higher power, in whatever form one wishes to choose, and I'm comfortable with the process of accessing it to help me move out of self and into the the world. Then I can be a productive human being, whether it be at work or in normal life.
That's why sometimes I am the last to know when I am entirely in self. When I am locked in fear or worry or resentment or anger or hate. When I am entirely in self it's difficult to have any light coming in. I see that today. It's a daily battle because, the dark (or self) is constantly challenging for attention. It requires constant vigilance and help from others. I cannot do it alone.
Does that make any sense? I hope it does. I don't have the answers. I am not a guru (though my ego wishes it was) but I know I am in the journey of change. For me, the smoking and diet coke are just small consequences (habits or addictions) that will be lifted once my spirit aligns itself to where I'm supposed to be at. That probably sounds like a crock of shit and a lightweight flimsy cop out, but I truly believe it.
Mind you, it maybe another addiction dressing itself up as logic and keeping me in the dark and justifying it so it sounds acceptable. I have to be prepared that my addiction can be that clever and cunning. And if I find that out, you'll be the first to know Inside Jobbers.
It's good to be back.
PS - RIP Tony Benn. A man of conviction, cause and courage. He made a mark, fought for what he believed in and had a top sense of humour.
On retiring from Parliament in 2001 he said, "Having served for nearly half a century in the House of Commons, I now want more time to devote to politics."
And finally a quote I truly love - "If we can find money to kill people, we can find money to help people". Legend
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
On Thursday night I cooked a meal for my girlfriend. I cook on average every 2 weeks for myself, so it was good to actually make the effort. Cooking is an act of love, both for self and others. When you don't spend the time preparing and cooking good food for yourself it's another form of self sabotage.
I have been so guilty of that for large majority of my life (which all links in the self love, care and self hatred) so it felt good to cook for my woman. Plus I know for a fact that girls love guys cooking and the chances of nookie dramatically increase. I have to admit my intentions did have some selfish notions. I cant show myself to be too spiritual can I?
After a busy day at work on Friday I nipped to the gym (feels good to be back after my back is better if not fully healed), then my regular meeting, getting home at 10.30pm exhausted. I couldn't face writing so I just vegetated in front of the TV and watched Pretty Woman. Yes I really did. I watched Pretty Woman.
It was Steak and blow job day (which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard by the way) and I was watching a mushy 80's film that romanticises prostitution. I'm usually more of a 'Requiem For A Dream' type of man (If you haven't watched it, do. It's a proper harsh representation of prostitution) but I felt mentally monged, so candy floss was good.
It challenged my male ego of course. 'Is this acceptable for a man? Should I be doing this? I feel guilty and embarrassed.' What did it matter, I was alone. I clearly needed male advice.
So I texted Man Club. A Whats App group me and 3 mates have formed to keep in touch with each other throughout the day (or night) and have ridiculous male banter.
One of my mates, whom I dearly love, is so male he only speaks to people who like football. He is not a man who does feelings. He has no time for spiritual or emotional debate. He likes sport, meat and his family. He's old school. His ultimate summer's day is watching 12 hours of sport. He was perfect in this instance.
Me - "Watching Pretty Woman - Acceptable?"
Him - "Quality film that."
Bingo! Male conscience eased. I watched Pretty Woman, on my own on Steak and Blow Job day and I'm not going to lie, I actually enjoyed it. (But sscchhh, don't tell anyone)
The male ego was screaming of course, 'This isn't what Frankie Boyle would do. This isn't what all your hell raiser heroes would do. This is shit!! Look at Richard Gere's quiff for fucks sake. It's bigger than the 80's shoulder pads. And that Julia Roberts. She's not a proper whore. If she was she would be ringing out his bell-end for a $20 crack pipe."
It was told in no uncertain terms to, 'shut the fuck up' and I settled back to enjoy the schmaltzy shit. It's good to check out now and again and leave the intellectual debate aside for one second. I even shed a tear at the end. To be fair though, when I lived in Balham, next to Tooting Common, which was a notorious red light area, I used to see a lot of the prostitutes standing around waiting for business (never been my thing by the way). They never had the look of romance about them. In fact most of them looked more like Andy Roberts, the former West Indian fast bowler than Julia Roberts. Still. It's only the movies right?
That's why I didn't write my blog. I feel a little guilty but sometimes it's hard when you commit to write every day and you have live life, or you're really tired or don't have anything in your head to say. Since starting this full time job 6 weeks ago, my life has changed. The focus is now on this job. It takes up a lot of time that I used to have to myself. It's a good thing of course but sometimes I really miss that time. I do love a bit of proscratination. Or in real terms, dossing.
Since the grown up job started a lot of the things I was implementing have slipped. The morning routine, the meditation, the chanting, the connection with a spiritual force and yoga have mostly halted. This has coincide with an increase in smoking and diet coke/gum. Coincidence?
Someone mentioned to me in the week. 'I'm waiting to read about that change in you that you started off the year seeking'. It was a good point and made me ponder.
It's boring writing about the same thing every day. It's boring to live it, be in it, write it and read it. I have a deep yearning within to affect the change and write how to do it. We all need to see progress to feel we are moving forwards. Staying still is painful.
However on the other side, if you want to tell the truth you cannot pass on something you haven't got. There in lays the dilemma.
If I'm brutally honest, I asked myself, "is there change within me and this blog?
Here is my answer. In certain things no, but in the bigger picture, yes. We are always changing. Sometimes it's so subtle both myself and the outside world can't see it. It's like your hair. You can't see it growing but it does.
Here's an example - On Thursday morning I woke up in crippling financial fear. For no particular reason. But in it anyway. I was regretting the past of not being more savvy in saving and projecting the future in 6 months when my contract comes to an end and I'll be out of work. It's not a good place to be. Very negative and disabling but oh so familiar. It was dark.
I rang someone I trust on the way to work and grassed myself up. I told them my irrational fears. They listened for a few minutes and reminded me of 'living in the day' and a faith in a higher power. I always need reminding see. Sometimes prayer or meditation doesn't connect me or remind me that it's not just lonely old me on the planet. Sometimes I need reminding or at least a connection with another human being on my level to understand and say, "it's OK Nick. It's just your head."
I had already begun the process of change by confessing my shitty head to another human being. It didn't really matter what they came back, I had already started the process of removing the cancerous thoughts.
They continued on the train journey to work. Then after 25 Min's, when I was walking over Waterloo Bridge on a beautiful sunny spring morning, I thought to myself. 'You have to affect the change Nick. Work hard, put the effort in. You may get another contract. It's up to you. Go for it. Put the action in and let the big dog up there take care of the rest.'
Not exactly revolutionary stuff. You may do that naturally. I believe they call it 'getting on with it'. It maybe second nature to you - but to me? Fuck me it's like rocket science. I just needed to find the process to get there.
Nobody would have known that throughout the day. I showed up for work. did what I had to and cracked on. The process I went through I only knew, and that is the subtle nature of change. You don't need to make a song and dance about it. We all do it on a daily basis. I just thought it was an interesting example of changing behavioural patterns.
It's much easier living in the now instead of the past or future. You can get on with what needs to be done then. I liked it. For me, I need that process to get to that way of thinking. I am aware there are many other ways. I'm not a one size fits all man. But ultimately to access it you have to find some kind of spiritual way. Whatever that may be.
As they say 'you design your own life'. You get exactly what you deserve, which when you are on the receiving end of a massive load of shit, is tough to take. But it's true. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
A past of financial irresponsibility, low self esteem and fear of the future has meant I have lived my life a certain way. It all comes back to the way I have designed my life according to my head. I have been run by it and my defects for as long as I can remember, without even knowing and the consequences have meant the way my life has gone and turned out.
For me (and it's just for me) I'm comfortable with the notion of a higher power, in whatever form one wishes to choose, and I'm comfortable with the process of accessing it to help me move out of self and into the the world. Then I can be a productive human being, whether it be at work or in normal life.
That's why sometimes I am the last to know when I am entirely in self. When I am locked in fear or worry or resentment or anger or hate. When I am entirely in self it's difficult to have any light coming in. I see that today. It's a daily battle because, the dark (or self) is constantly challenging for attention. It requires constant vigilance and help from others. I cannot do it alone.
Does that make any sense? I hope it does. I don't have the answers. I am not a guru (though my ego wishes it was) but I know I am in the journey of change. For me, the smoking and diet coke are just small consequences (habits or addictions) that will be lifted once my spirit aligns itself to where I'm supposed to be at. That probably sounds like a crock of shit and a lightweight flimsy cop out, but I truly believe it.
Mind you, it maybe another addiction dressing itself up as logic and keeping me in the dark and justifying it so it sounds acceptable. I have to be prepared that my addiction can be that clever and cunning. And if I find that out, you'll be the first to know Inside Jobbers.
It's good to be back.
PS - RIP Tony Benn. A man of conviction, cause and courage. He made a mark, fought for what he believed in and had a top sense of humour.
On retiring from Parliament in 2001 he said, "Having served for nearly half a century in the House of Commons, I now want more time to devote to politics."
And finally a quote I truly love - "If we can find money to kill people, we can find money to help people". Legend
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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