Day365 - Mon 31st Dec - So that was 2012 - What next?

Holy f**k juice It's the final day of 2012. The end of the year. The final blog post. The end of this year's blog. What do I do now? Do I continue? Do I change it? Do let it go? Will people read on? Is it getting samey? Boring? Dull? Do i go weekly? Video blog? Stop all together? So many questions

Today is a time to traditionally go to overcrowded parties, pay £20 to get in, hang out with loads of bell ends, link arms with them, sing a song you have no idea of the lyrics and then hug lots of strangers, make resolutions about your life and then break them within 20 minutes. It's New Years Eve people. Classic.

Traditionally a time to look back on 2012 and look forward to 2013. Resolutions. I think they are going out of fashion now. People don't make resolutions anymore. They have 'goals' now. Sounds far more professional doesn't it? They still get broken within days though

Are you making any? Have you had a good year? Have you changed? What score out of 10 would you give your 2012? Obviously someone like Bradley Wiggins would be a 10. For me personally it's been a bit of a roller coaster so I'll give it a 7. Not a bad year. Many positives and a few downright highs. But also a few lows and 'emotional ringers'. 7 is an accurate reflection of my year.

I think making resolutions/goals is essentially a waste of time. Especially if they involve giving up things. That's just denying yourself something and setting yourself up for a fall. I'm more of a fan of introducing simple changes that you can implement gradually.

The most common resolutions are 'lose weight', 'get fit', With over 30% of the population Obese the gyms will be popular. At least until mid January anyway when old habits come back and the cream cakes look mighty fine again.

The other one is 'cut down' or 'stop drinking'. The AA helpline is particularly busy on 1st January as people who have completely destroyed Xmas with their drinking seek help. Other 'social drinkers' stop for January or cut down to give their year a kick start. I'm expecting a New Years call and i was disappointed getting one at 10am New Years day from someone in trouble. #classic.

Then you have a word that has seeped into society recently and spurned a multi billion pound industry. 'Detox'. People will spend January 'detoxing'. Essentially not cramming in the 5,000 calories a day they have been loading up with over the festive season and drinking more units of alcohol than an Ollie Read convention. What on earth does detox mean?

Magazines & papers are full of it. Products are being sold by the bucket full promoting detoxes as good for you. Spas, retreats. Just the word detox is so appealing after a gruelling period when most people feel more sluggish than a slug on Tramadol. Most of it of course is a load of bollocks but people are so desperate for quick fixes we go along with it.

The secret? Drink more water, eat less shit, get more active. Make 3 positive actions a day and hey presto the corner is turned. We don't have to pay £100's for that. It is all in our control. Trouble is it takes effort. Something I'm not very good at.

I reviewed 2012 yesterday so no need to go back over it again today. Seeing as this is the last blog of the year i give myself a pat on the back for continuing it every day. I've enjoyed it and although some days have been a pain in the arse and I've just 'churned it out', other days have been immense and i love writing. The feedback has been mostly positive and I feel good about it.

I'm not sure it has brought about many changes in me. I certainly feel more confident in myself. I feel a sense of achievement. There is a validity to myself it has brought. I'm not getting carried away thinking I'm a bloody genius or anything but it certainly makes me feel i have a voice. I feel i have found something I am reasonably good at and it's given me hope for the future. A vital ingredient in a happy life. Hope and faith.

Have i changed this year in the ways i set out the questions at the start of it? Day 1 was full of these kind of questions. Well in some cases yes in others no.

I still find myself repeating similar patterns of behaviour and thinking. I still cut corners and put off the hard yards I know deep down I need to address in order to be truly happy. People pleasing, co-dependence, isolation, emotional detachment, commitment, honesty and discipline.

On the other hand I feel more at peace with myself and through a daily discipline have found it is possible to do anything if you put your mind to it. The only thing that stops me in life is me. So this year has been a great learning curve in that respect. The hope and confidence and deep faith that I have found this year is special and I like it. It seems that by doing something every day it has taken a life of it's own and the feedback and identification from people has been especially pleasing. It makes it worthwhile when people say good things. Not because you do it for a pat on the back but to get confirmation you're on the right track from others always gives you a boost.

I fired into 2012 after coming back from hols with lots of plans and intentions, it took a bit of a dip in Feb/March but picked up again in April with the Marathon. May/June was a little bit of a dip but then the Olympics in the summer and doing the TV advert gave me a real high. September and October were awesome as I passed 40 and the advert gave me lots of hope of a glittering future only for me to suffer a dip in November and December as that hope faded and reality set in.

That is how I end off the year. Not quite firing on all cylinders and feeling a little flat and unhealthy. The graph is up and down as in everyone life but i go into 2013 with a quiet optimism. Not swinging from the chandeliers nor in a deep darkness. I have quiet optimism that things will be OK and a loose plan of how to get there.

It seems I have 3 months to give my business a go. I have no idea where to begin or what to do but will be asking people who do know. That's a challenge and one I'm looking forward to.

The writing I want to maintain, either weekly or daily and build a new website, blog and video blog and make it more appealing, different, entertaining and slick. I like doing it and will stick with it. Hopefully world domination and infamy will kick in at some point.

I will look to keep building the comedy club and writing material, even doing some gigs when time allows and try to be true to myself in the material. I'm not sure I have the desire or time/energy/obsession to try and make it as a stand up but I enjoy dabbling and writing. It's a good hobby.

The health. Well i could say stop smoking, quit diet coke and get healthy but I will keep those goals to myself right now. Otherwise I'm just setting myself up for a fail. Suffice to say I realise I can;t keep abusing my body and get away with it forever. I'm getting on a bit now.

I'm still considering whether to do an Ultra marathon or the Wales Ironman later in the year. Depends on time and training. We shall see.

Personally there are some changes I'd like to make and do the hard yards i know I need to do which will be painful and scary but I'm pretty sure putting them off will be worse, so I'll be trying to move towards that.

Romantically? Love? Settle down? Marriage? kids? Responsibility? Whoa, Steady on, can i postpone that for another year? See above sentence for the hard yards. I know what I need to do. It's fucking doing it I find hard. Especially when I suffer from such chronic deep rooted fear. Still at least I recongnise it. Next thing will be to act on it. #HardYards.

Overall it's quite a positive time. I'm looking forward to it all. Obviously if the business doesn't succeed I'll be fucked around the spring time so the pressures on. However other than that If i can single out one thing I feel I really want to do and this may sound wanky - it's to try and develop more faith in my life and hand everything else over to a higher power. I do that with alcohol and it works but continue to look after everything else which invariably goes wrong.

It seems that the big fella upstairs would make a better stab at it than me and it's about time I let him. Lets see how it goes hey - I think about the loss of my Nan this year and her tremendous life force and spirit. I like to think she is looking over us as a family, though not when I'm up to no good. But it feels good to have a faith/guardian angel - something bigger than humanity with you. Kind of comforting.

Finally I'd like to thank everyone for following me on this 2012 journey, I hope you enjoyed it as much as i did. I will feel like something is missing without the daily blog. I have revealed so much, possibly far too much and laid myself open for stick. But I hope I remained true to myself and my word at the beginning of the year to make the blog me. Not what i think people will like or how well it will sell but to be open, honest (ish) and accessable. I hope you've laughed, identified and in some parts allowed you to open up a bit too.

I wish you all a Happy New Year for 2013 and if you really want me to, I will keep it going but my plans are to go weekly and add videos to it aswell, just as soon as I can be arsed to sit down and design a website, which is tough for me seeing as I'm a total dinosaur and moron when it comes to IT and digital stuff and the only way i want to sit in front of a computer for 4 hours is to search for Shaven Asian Haven 24. (I had to end on a base note and reference to a porn addiction didn't I? Nobody said I was that well)

I Love you all very much and remember, If I can do it anyone can. Dare to believe and even if you don't. Do it anyway

Nicholas Edward Evans
1st January 2013
xx