What is Addiction - Disease or Choice?

I have been reading a lot of conflicting articles recently on the subject of addiction.

Firstly there was a piece in the Huffington Post last week - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

The author claimed that addiction was due essentially to a deficiency of love and belonging. They claimed the cause of addiction was more about environment and circumstance than an actual medical condition. In which case 3/4 of the world would be addicts as those are two of the things this world is sorely lacking.

Then I read a brilliant repost by an Addiction Programme Director of a Treatment Centre, who rubbished the article with medical research that addiction was in fact a disease that is caused by;

• A POORLY FUNCTIONING DOPAMINE SYSTEM
• LEADING TO CHRONIC FEELINGS OF LACK OF REWARD, PLEASURE, MEANING, BELONGING AND PURPOSE
• LEADING TO THE NEED TO SELF-MEDICATE THAT SITUATION

It is well balanced, insightful and bloody interesting if you fancy a read - http://www.thecabinchiangmai.com/blog/the-real-cause-of-addiction-a-reply-to-the-huffington-post#.Vqb5Wfl9600?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=real-cause-of-addiction

As a recovering alcoholic, 14 years into recovery, you will guess which way I lean when it comes to addiction. I believe it is a disease, not a choice and it centres in the mind long before the drug of choice is picked up (and long after it is put down) That is merely the tool for it to come out, as explained beautifully in the article.

For me it is genetic. My male linear in the family is riddled with it. Lives have been lost, families ripped apart with generations of damage. Try telling me that it's not a disease when it has dominated the family for 40 years? Try telling me it was choice when I buried my father I hadn't seen in 20 years in 2009. Stand on the front line. See the horrific effects. Understand the ripple affect and then let's have a discussion it's a choice thing.

I also know people who have no history of addiction in their family, so I'm not saying it's a one size fits all, it can afflict anyone. No matter colour, race, religion, social standing or environment. if you've got it there is no hiding place.

Many people believe addiction to be a choice, because they are not addicts nor think like one. They may see people in addiction as weak and lacking in personal responsibility. After all if they can not drink, or stop taking drugs or eat healthily or have healthy relationships and make good choices then why can't others?

Fair enough, I get that point of view. Addiction is annoying. It is a drain on emotion, understanding, patience and compassion. It's hard to feel compassion for someone when they are arrogantly shouting down at people when pissed out of their head. Its hard to feel constant compassion when you have put up with an addict family member for years stealing money, lying, cheating, abusing or owning the whole attention of the family. It is hard to understand. I get that society finds it hard, because it is.

Addiction is a self centred, self based disease that makes the addict the centre of attention. Addiction is greedy like that and will totally dominate and control the individual and their behaviour until it is treated with a programme. Long term sufferers and family members will identify with this battle.

Addiction is cunning and baffling. It shows itself as normal personality traits when really it is rampant addiction running that individual. it is lost on most because very few people are armed with the facts, are educated about what an addict is and therefore have no idea they are dealing with one.

That is not to say that addicts are exempt from personal responsibility and choice. Its too easy to blame addiction on poor behaviour, greed, gluttony, dishonesty. The trouble being of course that these are side effects of addiction and means the addict is perfectly comfortable in these behavioural patterns. Treatment helps an addict to recognise these and put a programme in place to not live in them. That is the difference between recovery and active addiction.

What put me off 12 step fellowships 15 years ago (apart from my huge denial and iron tight commitment to my disease) - was the self pity fest and blaming problems on others type of addict. "Daddy didn't love me." or "My childhood was worse than yours" - you know the drill. Guaranteed to piss me right off and get me heading for the exit. These, as I've come to learn after 14 years are people who are effectively living in untreated addiction but not using. They live in the defects and love to use it as an excuse. But we should not use these as a brush to tar all addicts. These are in the minority and there are many fine examples who recover and never use it as an excuse, but will also be very real in trying to deal with a life threatening disease that is centred in the head.

That's what my blog has been showing all these years. I am not an expert. I am not a qualified doctor. I am not leading figure in the field of addiction but what I am is well versed in living with addiction for 40 years. Both as one myself, the son of one, the brother of one and the cousin of one and having spoken too, listened, witnessed and observed 1000's of addicts over the past 14 years. I know my shit and spot addiction from a mile off. Not by the substance but by the energy and attitude of the addict.

The trouble with addiction is that most people are not addicts. We are in the minority. And the general public finds it hard to feel sorry for an addict in the same way you would someone who has cancer or any other life threatening disease. After all many people suffer hardship and problems and get through it, then when they see an addict or people suffering mental health issues whining on, they get hostile and intolerant. "Why should those fucking addicts get all the help?"

I understand this. I really do, but it's not the solution.

75% of people in prison are addicts. What's the best and longest term solution? Keep locking them up or invest in treatment programmes so they don't re-offend and keep getting locked up which costs more money? I know so many former offenders who lived on benefits, kept going back into prison for crimes to get drugs or alcohol, yet cleaned up and are now working ,active normal members of the community paying tax and contributing. Does treatment sound such a radical idea now?

Addiction is not a choice but we have a choice within it. We have a choice to continue treatment. I choose to attend AA regularly. For me it treats my disease on a daily basis and helps me live with my mental powerful addict head.

I'm not perfect and can honestly say I have picked up other powerful secondary addictions along the way that I justify and negotiate with myself but on the whole I'm a normal member of society just trying to live a normal life with an abnormal head.

I despair of the raft or mis-informed and dangerous articles about addiction as a choice. It minimises it and misses the point entirely.

if more people understood and could spot addiction earlier then something could be done to prevent it or at least manage it better.

It's scary the lack of understanding in the medical profession. How many GP's, counsellors, therapists, A&E departments don't recognise addiction as a disease, so therefore have no solution to the ongoing hell. It will just go on and on and on, draining resources, time, money and energy further. Because addiction will suck everything around it dry.

How many wives, husbands, parents could help their family member earlier if they knew what they were up against? I have seen the ignorance in my own family which nearly destroyed lives.

How many treatment centres must close? How many prisons remain full? How many addicts must be treated in the NHS with no long term plan to help them recover?

At the same time that society is drinking more, as the drinks industry finding yet more sophisticated ways to market alcoholism, as the government cutting back on treatment we debate endlessly if it's a disease or choice whilst people are dying!!!

It's a fucking disease people. Wale up. Do you think my father chose to drink himself to death at 69 years old? Do you think he chose to leave his 3 kids, wife, family, job, home, dog and Ford Granada to become a street drunk and live alone for 26 years apart from humanity?

It's a fucking disease.

People are dying

Kids are crying

'Experts' are lying

It's a fucking disease.

Amen

Nicholas Edward Evans

Jan 21st - Sometimes Saying Nothing Speaks Volumes

Hello Insiders. That's my term for those of you who read 'The Inside Job'. I hope you don't mind. I quite like it.

Anyway, short post as I'm off to the movies to watch Creed. We've all got to have a bit of Rocky in our life at some point.

It's the second time I've been to the movies this week. I went on Monday night  to watch The Revenant. A bear of a movie that is beautifully shot, wonderfully acted but bleak as fuck and makes you cold just watching it. I had to go for a sauna afterwards. Baltic.

I was exhausted. It's long and slow with amazing scenery and dramatic scenes but one for the purists. More test cricket than Twenty 20 or like a really long safety battle in snooker. Grinding but well worth it. It's the Cliff Thorburn of movies but I liked it.

So, the Ying to that Yang is 'Creed'. Two  hours of nonsense, Sylvester Stallone trying to pronounce words properly and beautifully sculpted men trying to knock each other out, indoors in the warmth. Perfect opposite to The Revenant. Though Tom hardy deserves an Oscar as does the cinematographer.

I watched Monday's movie in Richmond Film-house. A wonderful little Curzon that's a single screen and only shows interesting 'arty' films. I swear it's so middle class even the staff uniform is courdroy. It sells little bottles of Pinot Grigio and worst of all 'Poshcorn' - little bags of candy sweetened shit for £4.95. Insane.

The exact opposite is The Odeon, where Creed will be watched. Full of screaming kids, disaffected Adidas sponsored youths and couples on a 'date night' but going to the movies so they don't have to talk to each other because they are bored of each other's company. (joke) Plus piled high with all manner of junk to brainlessly guzzle whilst watching the movie.

Usually I'm all over the massive popcorn & junk. The Cinema is the only place where I can actually graze in public like the pig I actually am without having anyone look at my despicable manners. The floor is usually covered in my debris and I get a great guilt free feeling of sloth and greed when the lights go down. A large sweet with a little bit of salt on top is always a great way of relaxing and getting diabetes. Not to be shared. Ever.

But, now I am trying to change things round and be healthy and stuff, so the popcorn will go, but also I am getting mightily pissed off with the prices at the movies. £14 a ticket, £5 for lame popcorn, £4 drink etc- before you know it you're nearly £50 down to watch a bloody movie. Bollocks to them.

Plus, I shit you not Tuesday was promoted by the Odeon as International Popcorn Day. Like it's actually a world event. Did I miss that meeting? Who on earth came up with such ridiculousness? They may as-well as double it up with 'International Obese Day'

Clearly it's those demons in the Odeon Marketing Department. They actually sat round a table and came up with the fucker;

"OK people profits are down 2% to £500 million this quarter. Bosses have told us we need a marketing push to get sales back up."

"We really need a gimmick so we can trick all those suckers into paying more money and coming in to eat all that shit and get obese and diabetes. But in a guilt free way because it's the movies, so it's not real life. How can we make it appealing?"

"I no, let's make it a national day. Let's make it international popcorn day. That way we can market it to fuck and trick everyone into it being a jolly old day and that Popcorn isn't so bad for you anyway."

"Yes let's do that. cool"

"Make a cartoony style popcorn box and then flog it on social media with a special offer on tickets. That will get the plankton coming in."

"Oh and give those bastards at Poshcorn a call too - those posh mother fuckers will be all over this, after all they're peddling the same shit just in better bags. Clever fuckers."

What a load of nonsense. I don't mind 'International Cancer day' or 'Mental Health awareness day' - but do we need a day dedicated to popcorn? Clearly we do.

Anyway, my point today. Is about shutting your mouth and letting things evolve.

I went to an AA Meeting at lunchtime. It didn't particularly grab me, the sharing I thought was 'too Gody' and I felt my anger rise. It didn't feel like the truth was being spoken just preaching.

In the past when I can feel my shackles starting to unbutton I would let it all out in some rather long and angry share. Today I shut my mouth and listened.

What happened? Well the whole nature of the meeting changed. Some powerful shares came in, some people in pain, some people in happiness. Tears, joy and laughter.

It totally changed around without my help, direction or steering from me and I was so pleased I shut my mouth and let life evolve without meddling. It felt good but I did have an awful thought at the end of the meeting though.

I'm not actually that important and the whole world doesn't actually revolve around me. Fuck! What a disgrace.

I'm off to drop kick popcorn all over the noisy bastards in row 3 on their mobile phones giving a running commentary to the film. I have actually done that in a cinema back in my angry days but that's for another blog

Love you Insiders

Back over the weekend

Nicholas Edward

PS - It's a 4/10 blog and not really that good but I'm trying to get in the habit and practice of writing and I guess it can't be gold every time can it?

Mon 18th Jan - Blue Monday and a Fresh Start

Hello everyone, how is your 'Blue Monday'?

Who on earth christened it 'Blue Monday' anyway? We now have a name for everything. Black Friday, Blue Monday, a storm called Gerald. Seems to be modern times to 'brand' everything.

Sadly Blue Monday doesn't signify a day dedicated to filth and adult literature. Its allegedly the most depressing day of the year.

The 3rd Monday of January, where most people are skint, the reality of our lives have kicked in, the extra pounds gained around the waist and lost around the bank balance remains and the year stretches out like a double omnibus episode of Eastenders. Welcome to Blue Monday.

But so what? It's no different from any other day. It has the same amount of minutes and hours so why should today be any different?

And what is a depressing day anyway? Boss treated you badly? Bad day at work, got a fine? Dumped by partner? Found out you have been cheated on? Read that Ross Kemp is returning to Eastenders? So many things can contribute to a bad day. But there is a world of difference between a depressing day and depression. If you have depression every day isn't blue. It's black. Bible black. Jet black. Horribly black. Until it lifts.

1 in 4 people suffer from some kind of mental illness in the UK. Over 400,000 people suffer with clinical depression every day. I know friends and family members who have bi-polar or clinical depression and it's a sod of an illness. My heart goes out to them.

There is a huge difference between feeling down, as we all do from time to time and being depressed. I'm not sure Blue Monday truly represents that. Feels a bit gimmicky to me.

Sure if you're in a crap job, or have a difficult family, are under financial pressure or have serious life issues it can contribute to feeling down or depressed. But I'm not a fan of the brand police branding a day 'Blue Monday', too neat and cosmetic for my liking.

Sometimes in life we get curve balls that really test you. I had one recently.

I was surprisingly and brutally made redundant before Christmas. I only sorted everything out recently, so I couldn't write about it. But I'm not going to lie, it sent me spiralling into a deep well of self pity, self doubt and self-flagulation which I only recently came out of.

I was down and threw my own pity party for ages. I don't drink or do drugs so that avenue was out of the window, but I did pretty much everything else to excess to help me wallow in my own misery.

As a character I am prone to self pity and negativity but also combined with being an alcoholic who tend to max out of defects, I really threw myself into it.

Overeating, bulimia, smoking ultra heavily, drinking endless caffeine, hardly sleeping, not exercising. I effectively gave up for a month. Some days were OK, but others weren't and I found myself spiralling into the abyss.

People said things like, "everything happens for a reason", or "Gods got a plan" or even my personal favourite, "it's the best thing for you" - but when you are wallowing in self you basically want to punch those people in the throat.

"Thanks for your kind words but I must go home and isolate for several days and eat endless boxes of roses in my stained jogging bottoms."

Some people react to bad news with positivity, Making it drive them on to prove others wrong and redouble their efforts. Some people are naturally positive. My Mother is a prime example.

But the other camp, of which I am deeply familiar, react to bad news by using it as an excuse to slide into misery and let the gremlins take over. "We're moving in now, let's make this bastard suffer." I did. I let them.

But how long can it last? A day, a week? A month? Before people get bored of your misery. A handful of my inner circle knew what happened and were very kind and sweet. But how long can you go on feeling sorry for yourself before you have to snap out of it and move on?

For me it was nearly a month. Now I am fully out of it. I can see it was indeed the best thing to happen to me. It has allowed me time and space to re-calibrate and have a think what I want to do with my life. It has enabled me to see my strengths and also learn from my weaknesses. it has allowed me to reset.

It allowed me to do a great training session with my hilarious triathlon coach this morning, have a great coaching call with my 'lifecoach' this lunchtime and do a wonderful 1 hour run at sunset around Richmond park. What's that about Blue Monday?

I am lucky as I don't have kids, family, mortgage and pressures that a redundancy can be catastrophic for. So, I now realise that but couldn't/didn't at the time. I am Ok for 3-4 months but need to work but just for today all is good. But sometimes when you are off beam and 'your head moves in' - my god it is full Shakepserian tragedy.

The answer to how long do you need to be in misery is, 'as long as you need too' before you want to change it. It's like grief. There are no time limits.

For me I needed to spiral myself and punish myself in order to reset and have a fresh start. That's not for everyone and I certainly wouldn't recommend it. But you need to go down in order to go up.

It's funny, as the week before I was made redundant I spent the week interviewing world class athletes. One of the questions I put to them was, "how do you deal with obstacles and disappointment?" - Most of their answers were similar. It made them miserable but then it motivated them to come back harder.

And that is what happened to me. I was miserable and now I am up again and determined to shape a new future however long that takes in whatever form.

I'm pretty sure that all the athletes didn't smoke 120 silk cuts and sink 4 boxes of Roses though. Maybe that's why I wont be competing in Rio this August.

The sentiment is the same though. I am an ordinary Joe, just like you and others. I get knock backs - we all do, the trick is the minimise the misery time, not batter yourself and come back fighting earlier. It's normal to be down when bad things happen, we are human beings after all, but it is unhealthy to stay in it and I know that better than most because I take it to the max.

So, my little fellow Blue Mondayers, here's to new beginnings. Here's to a fresh start. Here's to a new year. Sod Blue Monday.

I want you to imagine it on the wall in front of you and say to it:

"F*** Off Blue Monday. You are nothing with your media made up mass consumer branding intervention. I am a magnificent bastard. I am a warrior. I am huge legend and why am I saying it? Because that bloke without a job who occasionally writes a blog that 101-350 people read and has spent a month eating everything in his path and being all sorry for himself suddenly comes out of his gloom and starts spreading a message of hope and inspiration to all and sundry - that's why. I'm saying it because I am a magnificent bastard. I'm saying it because I am not a media number. I'm saying it because I will not be a victim to this Blue Monday shit. I am saying it because I can and I am. F**** you Blue Monday"

If, of course you are suffering from clinical depression. Take your meds and get off to bed. Homes Under the hammer will tip you over the edge. I'm with you in heart and soul.

Love you all very much and here's to an amazing life for all of us, even if it's dog shit sometimes, it's still amazing.


Nicholas Edward Evans

Sun 17th Jan - The Day I was barred from Bikram Yoga

The Day I was Barred from Bikram Yoga

This is a great blog for anyone who suffers from anger, frustration, untreated alcoholism, practices yoga or has a sense of humour. The day I was barred from Bikram yoga occurred several years ago and is a true story.

 

I was promoted to re-issue it by A friend of mine when she intimated she is starting Bikram Yoga tomorrow for the 1st time in 5 years. I used to do it all the time up until 2 years ago. I was well into it, but never a disciple. I was a Bikram rebel.

 

However, all of it is true and her returning back to the Bikram set tomorrow prompted me to re-issue what is undoubtedly one of my finest blogs with one of the best lines I have ever written. Let's see if you can spot it. I hope you enjoy;

For my 1st 5-8 years of recovery I was known as 'Angry Nick'. I was genuinely in people's phone's as 'angry Nick'. I think it was because I was never shy of venting my spleen and pointing out the truth. Patience and tolerance have never been my strong point. It's an Evans family gene. My father was never shy in bombarding various DIY projects with several expletives. 'Arseholes' being his favoured term.

He was also very keen on arguing to himself with imaginary enemies which always ended in the term 'fucking wankers'. A very common thing for alcoholics. After all resentment is essential for an alcoholic mind and inevitable. It's in my genes. That inverted arrogance & confrontation is something that courses through my veins and i have no time for perceived injustices, no matter how small. In fact the smaller and more pathetic the better.

I'm calmer these days. Why? Well sobriety definately helps. In the past I used to get pissed off with something that bothered me and then drink heavily and explode into a frustrated monster at the drop of a hat. Loose canon.

These days I still get pissed off and frustrated and impatient and intolerant about all manner of things but now I have prayer, meetings, sharing with friends, writing it down and a 14 year knowledge that I am the problem not everyone else. Plus I'm older though not necessarily wiser. Yet.

The more sober I get the less angry I get, The more faith I have the less angry I get. When i first stopped drinking I was furious. Christ my 'go to' method of dealing with frustrations had gone so I was left with me. I was fuming.

Over the years I have gradually mellowed though it has taken about 10 years. It is a journey that is still ongoing, I was a nightmare and still have my moments.

In early sobriety I was kicked off buses for arguing with the driver for not picking me up from the stop, resulting in me booting the door, pressing the emergency button and getting on the bus when all the passengers were telling me to fuck off.

I was barred from Marks & Spencer for purposefully drop kicking a yogurt and pint of milk onto the foot of a security guard when he refused me service due to not having a top on after running in the sun for an hour, even though I had been queuing for 15 minutes and was next in line to be served.  All of this is supposed to happen when drunk not in sobriety.

I trumped all of that in 2007, surpassing all my ridiculous pits of fury when I was barred from Bikram Yoga. Show me a man who is barred from yoga for arguing and I'll show you a man who has anger issues.

I had been doing Bikram for a few months and have followed it since. I'm not particularly a Yoga fan. It requires patience and inner peace. Hence why I hate it. But Bikram is heated. You sweat. I love the heat and 70% are females in skimpy swimwear. I took to it immediately.

It's 90 minutes of 26 postures and a heated room of nearly 100 degrees. It's like a mini holiday and flushes you out. It makes me feel cleaner and purer as i put so much shit in my body. I'm not really sold on the spiritual side of it as it's very expensive and Bikram is an ego maniac multi billionaire. These things don't have any relationship to spirituality in my book. So i took it all with a pinch of salt and just got on with it as a relaxing health flusher. Lots of bullshitters go on like little Bikram disciples but i put them in the same category as born again Christians except these are born again Bikrams.

I practiced at my regular studio which was chilled, relaxed and you weren't given a hard time by the teachers to get every posture 100% right. It was professional but relaxed. Just how i like it.

So when a studio opened near where worked & lived. I thought, "Nice one." What a Result and duly signed up.

The only downside was the owner. A militant intense Hitler style teacher. Non smiling, cold, unfriendly and hell bent on rules. He ran the studio like a Yoga equivalent of a prisoner of war camp. No water in class. No shoes. No talking. No smiling, No laughing. No fun. Do all postures properly otherwise you get sent to solitary confinement for 21 days. It was harsh and not really for me.

I dipped in and out and immediately struck up a hatred for the owner. Even his missus was a sort of female version. Except worse because she had a whiny American nasal accent. The sort of voice that made you want to scream. If you could make rape alarms out of her voice there would never be any sex crimes ever again.

On this particular week I'd had man flu. A really nasty bout that in my mind should have been treated with intensive care and 24 hour team of nurses coming up to me rubbing my brow and going "aaahhhhhhhhhh you poor little thing". I was in a bad way.

I reached Saturday feeling weak, so i thought a nice gentle afternoon sweat in Bikram would aid my recovery. I went with a girl who i was trying to woo into becoming my girlfriend (remarkably she did and became a Bikram teacher) and there were 3 other people in class who I'd recommended to the studio. I thought i was doing my bit for local new business. Being a good citizen.

The class was 3pm and i set up on the 2nd row in my ridiculous Gay speedos and settled behind a big girl so i could hide from the teacher and not be picked on. I wanted a chilled 90 minutes. Maybe even a little snooze in savansanah.

The class was taken by the owner and it went OK for 30 minutes until we got to position number 8 (i forget the name of it) which involved bending forward putting your hands in prayer and extended in front of you touching the floor. In my regular studio they weren't fussy about putting your hands in prayer, however in this Nazi one, failure to do so was treated as a flogging offence and more serious than GBH.

I was feeling weak, so I didn't put my hands in prayer and so followed the oddest 5 minutes of my yoga career;

Owner - 'put your hands in prayer Nick'
Me - (Glancing round room to see 50% people didn't have their hands in prayer - Ignored him)
Owner - 'and change - other side'
Me - (didn't put my hands in prayer)
Owner - 'Nick can you please put your hands in prayer'
Me - (Ignored him)
Owner - 'Nick put your hands in prayer please'
Me - (Ignored him)
Owner - 'Nick that is not the correct posture - Put your hands in prayer we do all postures properly in this studio'
Me - (I had my face down in a position at this point - ignored him)
Owner - 'and change 2nd set'
Me - (Fucked if I'm going to put my hands In prayer now just to wind the little Hitler up)
Owner - 'Nick i have told you put your hands I'm prayer and do the posture properly or not at all'
Me (In position) 'J****y (i will not print his name) Leave me alone I'm just here for a relaxing class'
Owner -'It is my class and studio and i ask that everyone does the postures here so put your hand in prayer'
Me (fuming now) 'Listen I've had Flu all week and I've only come here to chill out leave me be'
Owner - 'and change other side'
Me (Yes you've guessed it hands apart definately not in prayer. Defiant)
Owner - 'Nick if you're not going to do it properly don't do it at all'
Me - 'Can't you pick on someone else'
Owner - 'This is my studio. I am the teacher. If you will not listen to me there is no point in you being here'
Me - (Getting annoyed at the injustice) 'Listen I haven't paid £16 to be talked to like a fucking kid. I've brought 3 people here and i just want a quiet class (yeah right) and you're picking on me. Just chill and leave it be. Leave me alone i don't appreciate being talked too like that'
Owner - 'Well I'd rather not teach you if you're not going to listen or try to do it.'
Me - 'Are you asking me to leave?'
Owner - 'Yes it's best you are not here'
Me - 'I paid £16 for this shit, who the fuck are you to talk to me like that. You've picked on me all day & half these people are doing it the same as me. You're totally out of order'
Owner - 'I' think you should leave and not come back. This is for true Yogis'
Me - 'Tell you what you stick your fucking yoga up your arse you Bikram cunt' (yes I really said that)

And that is when i stormed out of class, leaving everyone in the tree position looking embarrassingly at the floor. Not the ideal Yoga class I must admit.Yoga is supposed to make you peaceful, calm, relaxed. I'm pretty sure in the 1000's of years of spiritual yoga practice it doesn't include the words "and you can stick your fucking yoga up your arse you Bikram cunt"

 

I was fuming. Angrily showering, getting changed and then before I left I so needed to have the final word (why do i need the final word. Quit when you're behind idiot!) I poked my head in the studio, however before I could fire off a volley, this girl at the back of the studio who looked close to tears turned around and shrieked 'Just leave'. I left.

I sat down at a cafe had a cup of tea and immediately rang my sponsor (AS term for a more experienced mentor who helps you with your mentalism. Essentially an adult)

My first words to him were, 'I've just been barred from a yoga class and i don't know why'. He suggested I may like to take a look at some character defects I displayed. "Do you think you may have anger issues Nick? Do you think you may have a little intolerance going on?

 

It was an awkward conversation. And what of my girl? She's never going to want to go out with me now? Surely?

It was all cool afterwards and in time she learnt to laugh about it, though it took her about 2 years. I never went back to the studio and used to see the owner around town. I was always tempted to assume the 'awkward' position but never did. Live and let live is the code I'm supposed to live by, but he was truly a c**t. A Bikram c**t.

I returned back to my normal studio which I love and the word got round. People laughed but I reckon all the teachers thought 'oh god there's that miserable bastard in my class'. Apparently the owner has got a bit of a reputation and I think other owners were secretly glad it happened. However It's all Coconut water under the bridge now but it showed me at the time I had anger issues.

I know I'm getting better i haven't been barred from anywhere in a while, even Bikram yoga. And that was the day i got barred from Bikram Yoga.

 

Can anyone trump that?

 

Namaste

Nicholas Edward Evans

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Thursday 14th Jan - Standing at the Base of a Mountain Called Change

Now that we are nearing the end of the 2nd week of January, 2016 is well and truly in full swing. The goals we have set for ourselves maybe a distant memory or a very present reality.

Whichever side of the fence you sit on, change and transformation is one of the hardest things to achieve. If you have achieved it this year and are still committed, I salute you. If you haven't managed to maintain these principles, it's OK. You are not alone.

January is the month of change. At least in the media it is. We are bombarded daily by the Change brigade;

Stop smoking! Lose weight! Eat Healthy! Stop drinking! or my personal favourite - Dry January! (Before going on the major piss for the next 11 months destroying your liver)

Or how about, 'Transform your body in our 28 day challenge'. Selling messages to get fit through Boot-camps, fitness regimes, training courses and health programmes.

We are bombarded with these messages - selling a service, a lifestyle, a product or just a plain solution. Of course they mean well and have our best interests at heart - the get healthy - But they are also earning a shilling or two. We are consumers of health, especially those who haven't got it.

The health and wellness industry is huge. Personal trainers, nutritionists, coaches, health insurers, gyms, wellness products, spa's and events jostle for your attention and money. They all show what they have done and how we can do it by buying their book, following them on social media or buying their time.

We all need help of course, not many of us can do it alone and we as humans always feel better when connected, in a community, rewarded or shared experience. It helps motivates us and makes it easier to change.

But it's becoming such a monster. Are they more concerned with helping us or helping them make money? Actually, in thinking about it, what's wrong with making money out of it? (that's for another day)

I walked into WH Smith today, ignoring the mound of Galaxy bars on sale for £1and range of Nigella cook books reduced to £3, but I was struck by how many 'health transformation' books in the best sellers list.

Joe Wicks' - The Bodycoach, 'Lean in 15', Davina Mcall's - 'How to quit sugar', Dr so and so's 'Healthy Recipes', The Hairy Biker's 'Not a fat bastard anymore cook book' - there were tons.

All are well skilled, all look beautiful, all are valid with some excellent things to say and gorgeous looking food/pictures/design.

But what on earth do you do when you stare at this wall of healthy choices? What book do you buy? Where on earth do you start if you want to change your life?

Is it the smoking? Is it the sugar? Is it the job? Do I want to get fit? Do I want to lose weight? Should I do a challenge like a marathon or 10K? Should I get a relationship or make the one I'm in better (or finish the bloody thing?), Do I want to be happier? Spend more time with my friends? Get a hobby? Put down social media and pick up a book?

Holy fuck information overload!!!!! It's overwhelming, especially if you have no idea where to start.

It's a well known human trait that most of us don't actually change until we are forced too. Either a health scare, a rock bottom or we just get sick and tired of what we are doing. When the pain becomes too much we are backed into a corner to change.

This doesn't just apply to addicts or alcoholics of course, it applies to most of the human population. We seek radical cure rather than radical prevention.

My Uncle Ken from Llanelli (he say's 'and those' at the end of his sentences - no, really he does in a heavy Llanelli accent, it's insane and hysterical) has dedicated his life to wearing Farah trousers. If you don't know what they are, they are effectively reasonably tight but comfortable slacks that found fashion in the 80's as part of the 80's casual look. This made middle aged of the time wear them thinking they were 'with it'. Sadly the fashion trend soon passed, but his commitment to wearing them continued to this day. I'm sure in his mind he still thinks he's 'with it' 'and those'. I think he'll be buried in them in a Farah lined coffin.

Anyway, he loved eating crap. Chips, 8 slices of bread with every meal, cooked breakfasts, the full monty every day. No exercise, But he wasn't overweight, he looked OK, apart for the Farah's. (and those)

Then one day he had shortness of breath and went to see the doctor. Within 48 hours he was in hospital having a quadruple heart bypass. (He insisted the surgeon's wore Farah's too) - which saved his life. (and those)

He subsequently radically changed his whole lifestyle. Diet, no bread, no fried grub, no processed junk, cycles on his exercise bike every morning (In a Farah tracksuit) and radically changed. Why? Because he had to that's why.

But what of those of us who want to change, but don't know where to bloody start? Where there's so much you need to change it's like looking at Everest thinking, 'Jesus Christ I'll never climb that!'

Do we honestly want something to go wrong before we transform? Like Uncle Ken (and those). Of course not,  Nobody would logically wish for that. But when you're in deep mire, when you really don't see a way out - how many of us have wanted some kind of external force to help our hand?

But what if something did go wrong and we are not fortunate enough to get the opportunity to change? Then we truly would be fucked. It's a real dilemma. I guess that's why there are so many books on the shelves because so many of us have exactly that dilemma.

All that went through my mind as I looked at all the health, wealth and happiness books on display today.

Oh and 3 things;

1 - Why are they not saying HOW to do this?

OK Mr Body Coach - that's all great and I'm pleased you're shifting 200,000 copies of the book and transforming people with 'lean in 15' - but what about when you can't even put down the diet coke and pick up a pear juice? What then? How do you change? How do you embark on a healthy lifestyle? How do you sustain it?

What happens if you really want to stop drinking/smoking/overeating - but find you can't, or you're scared or unable or willing but lapse? What then?

Do we identify with the glitzy healthy gorgeous looking white teethed Adonis/goddess guru or the person who has walked in our shoes?

How do you get from that to healthy and happy? That was what I felt was missing from the shelves today.

2 - Overwhelming

Where do I start? Do I try and tackle one thing at a time or should I try the lot? It was overwhelming looking at all the choice of advice on lifestyles, recipes, healthiness, let alone actually bloody doing it!!!! In the end it was too much and I had to go and get a cup of tea. Exhausting this health lark.

What do I tackle first and where do I go to do it? Therapy? AA? Counselling? Coaching? Personal Training? Boot-camp? Church? Alpha course?

When we  become overwhelmed it's so easy to say, 'F**k this' and seek solace in the very things causing us pain in the first place. That vicious circle has then returned. Ouch!

3 - Compare and Despair - It's OK for them.

The old favourite. 'Look at those successful, happy health people - they can do it but I can't' - that old mindset designed to keep you in everlasting pain and misery.

I'm not going to lie I spent a majority of the day in self piteous misery today, for many reasons, so seeing all those happy, healthy successful bastards just rubbed it in and led me into a spiral of doom that luckily a coaching call with a tip top friend helped drag me out of.

I felt overwhelmed on a personal, health, professional and lifestyle level. That's almost jackpot there. I wanted to 'check out' - It all felt too much and when 'compare and despair' teams up with self pity - oh man you are in for a ride of doom. That's not dealt with in 'Lean in 15' - but then again perhaps what you put into your body directly affects the thinking, low moods and negativity - so he's clearly onto something there.

So, yes I think we have established change is hard. Transformation can be daunting. I'm daunted as I have an awful lot to transform. But climbing Everest needs training, planning, work, effort and lot's of layers. It isn't just done by looking up at it and going 'lets go'. it takes time. One step at a time. I know it's dull but it's true.

One small step at a time my lovelies. My small step today is replacing normal milk with Rice milk and sweetener with natural honey type stuff.

To be fair tea tastes like something a wild animal has pissed out but I'm told it's better for me and small changes can lead to bigger ones along the line.

Keep it in your head people. We can change, we just need to know what we want to change too and then find a way to help facilitate that no matter how long it takes. I'm with you.

Remember, we're all in it together. Some are on the super highway and some in a mobility scooter on the pavement (clogging it up for the rest of us). But WE ARE all on it and by Christ doesn't it feel good?

Love and Health my gorgeous magnificent bastards

Me love you long time

Nicky Evans

Mon 11th January - David Bowie RIP - Authenticity Defined

David Bowie RIP

January 8th 1947 - January 10th 2016

I can't possibly write about anything other than the great man passing today. Anything else seems futile, selfish, empty and, well just plain wrong.

 

The world lost a true artist, a truly iconic musician and all round massive f***g legend today. RIP

I'm not a great music officiado or even the world's biggest David Bowie fan, but this man was a true great.

It's the sort of day that everyone remembers, sharing memories, songs, moments in their life. The hallmark of a global icon who made an incredible mark on so many. What could be better?

He spanned so many era's & genres, creating so many great songs.  Producing an incredible body of work with such style and grace, but never taking himself too seriously, though to be fair, it would be difficult too, clad in a baco-foil jumpsuit, platform boots with a huge mullet off your tits on Cocaine. That's a given.

He was a genuine artist, who probably didn't see what all the fuss was about as to him it was probably about what he produced. It was the work. And not just the music but the theatrics too. The art. The style. The meaning. The lycrics. The voice. Superb!

In an age of empty headed vacuous mass produced bollocks here was a proper musical artist. He did it his way. He was truly authentic. An inspiration to go your own way and be nothing but authentic from beginning to end.

He even went out on his own terms. Releasing 'Lazarus' about his impending death 4 days before it was announced he died. Have that!!

He even died with class. No fuss, no speculation, no messing. Release a song proclaiming your after life and death then BOOM, gone. What an absolute legend, artist and authentically tip top iconic star. We salute you Ziggy.

Oh, and one other thing he had magnificent hair. A truly magnificent barnet. He even wore a mullet with style (no easy feat) - Weller and Gallagher could only dream of such style.

He aged gracefully as a rock star and turned to the quiff over the past few years. Displaying a magnificently powerful and strong bouffant. Hallmark of a legend. Terrific hair always.

He was a bona-fide, genuine authentic legend who was legendarily authentic.

Sadly missed but always remembered

RIP

Friday 8th Jan 2016 - Committed to your 2016 Goals?

Committing To Your 2016 Goals

Hello 'Inside Jobbers'. Have you survived the first working week of 2016? How are you doing? Are you Feeling good? Happy it's the weekend? Kept up the 'new you'? Committed to your goals (I hate that turn of phrase don't you? So forced and clichéd, so I'm going to use it loads of times in this article)

Have you committed to your 2016 goals? Good, me neither.

Let's take solace in our collective failure and forget about all those super motivated shiny happy successful sods shall we? When I'm spiritually well I am pleased when people do well. I admire and respect them and think nice things. However, when I'm feeling crappy and haven't 'committed to my goals', those who have or are doing really well and are only too happy to share it, well there's no easy way of saying it. Can die. They proper fuck me off.

It's the most awful place to be trapped in your own bad habits, negativity or 'rut', only to see others doing what you would secretly like to do, sending you deeper into a spiral of self hatred and resentment against them. Well, that really is a deeply unspiritual, self destructive and let's be frank, really bloody comfortable.

You smile at them nicely and even send messages of congratulations via Facebook publicly so everyone will think you're so generous of spirit and kind, whilst really your head is thinking,

"That successful bastard. I hate them. Look at them committing to their goals and being all happy and successful and healthy and stuff. Bastards. I hope they get an injury and put on 12 stone and have to wear specially re-inforced Velcro trainers and elasticated waist shell-suits just like you have to now after the festive Gluttony. Bastards." Or something like that anyway.

God, you'd never share that publicly would you?

So, just for today, I take solace in those of you who haven't quite 'committed to your goals'. I'm with you today. Let's comfort eat together. Today you lot will be my Mars Bar, Ice cream, Victoria sponge, Battenberg and chips, with a pie on it and a kebab too.

If you are a regular reader of this anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) blog will get where I'm coming from. If you are new you may-be scratching your head and thinking, "what on earth is this knob-head on about?"

What is anti-motivation-motivation (AMM)? Well, it's a new self development technique I'm pioneering, It works in a similar way to reverse psychology, except it's less brainy. Tell someone they won't be able to do something (especially a stubborn, prideful, self centred alcoholic) and they'll bloody well go and do it. Purely out of spite. This is reverse psychology.

Anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) works in a similar way. Forget about all the top tips, powerful advice how to be a success and achieve your goals. This blog is all about spectacular failure to adhere to any healthy mental, physical and spiritual principals in the hope it will inspire you to go the other way and actually achieve them. Essentially it is about doing the opposite to what 'bad Nicky' thinks.

You may feel a huge sigh of relief as the cloud of identification envelops you making you think, 'thank god I'm not alone in being a total fruit-cake.' Identification is the crucial first ingredient of anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) We always feel SO much better when we realise other people do the same as us.

My coaching technique here is;

Do the opposite to what 'bad Nicky head' says and follow 'good Nicky head' and all will be fine. Then you really will be shiny and happy and 'commit to your goals'

According to research only 8% of us actually keep to our resolutions, or 'commit to our 2016 goals. That leaves 92% of us who either can't be arsed, don't believe in them or have such a spectacularly amazing life we can barely bring ourselves to take part in such pointless surveys.

So what on earth are those 8% doing? Are you one of them? Have you kept up your commitment to your goals? Are you following 'good Nicky' or 'bad Nicky'? Well, its obvious they are clearly doing 'good Nicky'.

But quite Frankly those 8% can bugger off today. I'm hanging with the 92% mob.

Feed me your failure. Make me feel better about myself. Yeah!!!!

• What's that? you haven't gone to the gym this week? Yes!!!! Right on brother. Get in.
• Say again? Louder, I can't hear you? Eaten a load of crap again this week and still on the dirty carbs? Great, me too, I'm proud of you keep it up until you have so much self disgust you need to change. Well done.
• Haven't drunk 3 litres of water a day like you said you would. Solid - who needs bloody water anyway?
• Clothes clinging around your back fat making you feel like a darts player? Love it, me too
• Haven't got up at 6am and run 20 miles a day? Thank Christ - nor me
• Haven't written the Pullitzer novel yet? Thank God for that, I've only just got off Netflix.

Let's jump on board the 92% train people. Don't tell me about how well you're doing today. Leave me be in my sea of self pity and self disgust. I'll join that 8% soon, but just for today I'm in with the in-crowd. Bad Nicky rules, just as long as he's not alone.

But you know what, tomorrow will be another story. I'll probably change my mind. Good Nicky will be back, or at least knocking on the door again jostling for position. Today I've given into the 92%, I've accepted it. Hell I've even embraced it.

Can I change the course of the past 24 hours? No. Can I change the course of the next 24 hours? Well, to some extent yes. But what I absolutely can affect the course of is right now. Here and now. I can totally affect that and I will. I'm going to have another slice of Battenberg and look up successful people on Facebook for inspiration.

One day I'll be that 8% and commit to my goals, Just after another Jam Tart.......

Love you all and have a tip top and tidy weekend

'Bad Nicky' A.M.M

Monday 4th January 2016 - F**k, It really is the New Year Isn't it?

With New Year's day last Friday. It gave us the weekend to consider 2016. Creating a false start to the New Year. Lulling us into a false sense of hope, cheerfulness and security. The ultimate cock tease.

2016 stretched out like a Goddess. Full of hope and wonder and possibilities. Full of new beginnings and interesting events. New Years felt so wonderful. So utterly uplifting. Free of fear and pressure and real life. Work could piss off for a few days we could glory in new year hope.

New year stroked us and whispered beautiful things in our ear. It brought us tea in bed and made us scrambled egg and smoked salmon. It dived through the waves by moonlight and ran naked along a deserted beach. New Years danced provocatively to soulful Buddha beats and rendered us semi hard through our elasticated Xmas jogging bottoms. New year made slow beautiful love to us and bought us kebab and chips after.

New Years was sweet. New Years was beautiful. New Years was a crock of fucking shit.

Why? I'll fucking tell you why. Because New Years was on a Friday. That's why. It knew it had a weekend after it. The bastard. It knew it didn't count. It wasn't real. It knew it could dance like never before because work wasn't until Monday.

Monday 4th was real. New Year was a fantasy holiday. Who the fuck does anything on a weekend. It was like a liar on Tinder chatting you up without telling you they were married. New Years was a CAD.

Today is the proper New Year.  The first Monday/work day of the year. The real deal. When all the aspirations and goals set over the fantasy of the holidays becomes a crushing reality. Fuck you New Year with all your resolutions and Jules Holland Hogmany. Where the fuck is he on the Jubilee Line this morning?

Fuck New Year and all it's promise of new horizons and romantic breaks when you had to get on the tube at 6.43am crushed. When the kids wouldn't wake up or you still woke up next to him/her.

Fuck New Years when you reached for the coffee or still smoked on the way to the station. Fuck New Year when you realised you work in a shit hole job on a shit hole salary with shit hole people.

Seems a long time ago now doesn't it? That New Years Eve and New Years day? Followed by the weekend. Lulling us into a false sense of hope that was crushed this morning when reality kicked in, Bastard!!!

Fantasising rather than actually doing it is so much more fun. Sure I'd like a great job, business, home, money, financial security, health, happy zestful life. But do I REALLY have to put the effort in to get it? Can't I just remain in that holiday loop dreaming and writing it down?

Successful people of course reject this way of thinking. The fun is in the action. Doing something with a purpose and energy means it doesn't feel like work. It is just what you do. That's the gold right there. The holy grail. I do wonder if these people suffer as chronically with procrastination and sloth as me? Clearly not.

And what of today? The first day of the rest of your life? Except it was like the others. Did you do the same job? Follow the same path? Think the same way? Did you make any changes to normal? Did it follow the pattern of 2015?

Me? I worked from home. A lethal challenge for an arch procrastinator and recovering 'alkie'. Why? Well because at any given time the 'black cloud' of fear & low self esteem can strike, Rendering any positive actions like wading through treacle. Then when you sprinkle a little 'overwhelmed as to which direction, what to do' into the mix -  essentially crippling you into inertia.

These of course are ideal conditions to engage in full avoidance and procrastination. After all, why do today what you can put off until tomorrow/next week/month/year? Trouble is by avoiding it doesn't actually make the problem go away, it just hides it for a while and actually makes it grow until it reaches colossal proportions. Putting things off may feel comfortable but it's the worst thing you can do. The fear is winning then. "That's right my little fear ridden bitch. I've got you now" The fear will say to you. Owning you like a BDSM master whipping his little gimp.

Today I have been gripped by the fear along with a touch of low mood, a smidgeon of self doubt and dash of insecurity. The shitty committee was in the full board meeting - full throttle;

"You've fucked it now haven't you? You haven't juiced. You haven't drunk 10 litres of water. You haven't run 20 miles at 6am like all those successful people. You woke up late. Look at you. You're smoking and drinking tea. You'll never change you bum."

My committee are proper cunts, don't worry about that, Proper bastards the lot of them out to get me.

"Watch some of those successful speakers on You Tube. Go on buy the Sun newspaper where The Body Coach Joe Wicks is doing a clean in 15 challenge. Look at him, he's successful and only 26. He's minted. What are you? 43 and smoking you tosser."

They were savage;

The huge 'Fuck it' button was close to being pushed. When these bastards are in town sometimes the only solace is to give in and avoid. Cream cakes, ice cream, adult websites, endless smoking, DVD box-sets or whatever else there is to avoid the pain becomes so appealing.

But..........From somewhere I mustered the effort and energy to come back at them. Like a boxer on the ropes In the 11th round. Hurt, stumbling around, behind on points, bleeding from both eyes, pissing blood. (Not really I was in my dressing gown drinking tea with my nuts out to be perfectly honest. The dressing gown was the only thing I had in common with a boxer but you get my rather clumsy metaphor)

"Fuck you committee. You negative self serving horrible little bastards. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Fuck you fat 'eat as much as you can fit in your mouth' bastard, fuck you cancer boy, fuck you smoking man, fuck you unprotected sex man, fuck you porn boy, fuck you procrastinator, fuck you bedsit boy, fuck you failure fucker, fuck you street drunk. Fuck you Sire Negative Cunt. Fuck all of you. Fuck you."

That told them. (I apologise if anyone is offended by bad language but it was my head not me.)

It's like the film 'A Beautiful Mind', where Russell Crowe learns to live with the characters in his head he thinks are real. Alcoholism is a little like that. Mine are varied and live deep in my mind. They make me think they are true and the true me. They wrap themselves around my soul and make me think they belong to me. They don't. They are John Barleycorn. Determined to sabotage my life.

It's a battle but I told them to fuck right off today. Good boy Nicky boy.

Instead I then went to the gym for a session with my amazing coach, who underneath his cheery demeanour really is the world's grumpiest bastard giving me huge mirth and I settled down for an afternoon in front of the laptop doing the best I could, the cricket and Columbo remained firmly off. A triumph for this little soldier.

The point is today, its Ok not to feel amazing. So I haven't launched into the year like a rocket. I haven't got the level of success I see others on social media (the age old awful phenomenon of compare and despair) So I haven't yet become the ultra lean n clean healthy guru (I may never be) - but I did OK, I didn't catastrophise. I didn't fuck everything and run (F.E.A.R) I just did what you guys did today. Just got on with things.

It's not a 9/10 day but it's not a 1/10 write off. Perspective Nicholas, it's a good thing sometimes.

And that little cock teasing bitch of New Year. Next time you fall on a Thursday and Friday, don't drag you little sisters Saturday and Sunday into it to back you up. Man up and don't lull us into a false sense of security again so we have to take on a whole year at once on a Monday. Let that be a lesson to you.

If you survived today you're a legend. If you are maintaining you're goals from Thursday night you are incredible and I salute you. If you've broken them already and feeling despondent fuck that. Get back on it tomorrow or message me and i'll set you straight.

We are all warriors. We are all legends so I want you all to finish reading this and repeat to yourself, quietly or loudly if you want (especially if you're in a packed train carriage) -

"I'M a MASSIVE FUCKING LEGEND and I'M DOING OK"

Love you all very much and let's have this 2016 Bastard.

Nicky Boy

Friday 1st January 2016 - New Year, New Goals, New You, or is it?

Happy New Year everyone. It's 2016. Christ, sounds a bit space age doesn't it? One minute it's 1990, then it's the millennium, then it all gets a bit weird in the 2000's and suddenly it's 2016. How did that happen?

Has a nice ring to it though doesn't it? 2016. Numeroligists will be spunking in their socks with those set of numbers.

And so to the new year. A fresh start. A chance to set new goals, aspirations, visions. A chance to review the year. See where you are in life, where you want to go. What you want to achieve. Or a chance to lay on the sofa and sleep off yesterday's excesses and put off the new year until tomorrow.

Some are into new beginnings, some aren't. After all it's just another day isn't it? Same amount of minutes as any other. What if every day was like a New Year's Day?

I'm not a big one for resolutions. It all seems a bit cosmetic to me. Having said that a new year is as good a place as any to state aspirations and intentions. Thing is though, it's piss easy to write a 'wish list' of things to desire but the crucial thing is to do it every day. That's how they come to fruition, apparently.

Intentions do not just happen if you write them on the 1st January, then to wait 365 days to see if they happen by the 31st December. It requires action and regular commitment. (Yuk what a horrible thought!)

As regular followers of my blog will know, I come from a long line of lazy bastard alcoholic males, who expect things to come naturally without effort or hard work - sadly, life doesn't work out that way. So it looks like i'll have to get way out of my comfort zone.

Life will happen regardless of what we think and do. The sun will always rise, the world will still turn. So even if you set intentions or not, life will still happen and you will look back in 365 days and think, "phew what a year, stuff happened." Yes, that stuff is life.

But it's if you are happy with that life or helped create it which is the key. If you are fulfilled, doing what you like, have what you want, content. If not, then that's where intentions and goals and 'wish lists' come in. But it's the ability to continue those consistently that will bring about the changes. And I don't know about you but that's the bit I find bloody hard. How is that done? How can the changes be made?

How many of us today decided we want to join a gym, get fit, run a marathon, eat healthy, lose weight, change jobs, find a soul mate. Do these things just happen by chance or does our attitude and life contribute?

If we have a shit life, surrounded by bad luck is it our attitude, God taking the piss at our expense or just plumb bad luck?

And how do we find this consistency? Does it just come? Is it in built? Do we have to work for it?

Sometimes on 1st January it can be a little daunting to make the changes you want. How on earth do you do it? Facebook and social media is full of inspirational quotes and posts from trainers, healers, coaches, inspirational speakers, doctors, authors, gurus all peddling inspirational quotes and motivational goals or twee messages for the new year.

New you! New goals!! Be yourself! Love yourself! Be grateful. Follow your Dreams!!!

They are all wonderful messages in their own right. But the real question is HOW???!!

How the fuck do I change my life around? How do I lose this spare tyre that has built up from excessive shit eating? How do I get the job of my dreams? How do I get my soul mate? How do I get that life? How do I decide what I actually bloody want?

So many questions and sometimes so daunting and overwhelming. It's actually easier to retreat back into comfortable coping ways of living. Drinking, eating, chasing women, staying in, avoiding, putting up with things, getting annoyed - whatever it is - I find it so much easier to remain in a comfortable place no matter how much I want to change. That's the pain right there.

I am naturally pessimistic. A little on the slothful, negative side. If I add 3 hours kip last night and a week of shit eating into the mix my head is definitely not sunny side up. The full grumpy negative resentful self avoiding side comes out in me and I just want to curl up on the sofa watch crap TV and eat my own body weight in Yuletide Log. Like a hangover. It doesn't just become a duvet day but a duvet year. I have already written off 2016 that way.

It's easy then to slowly retreat into self. Beat yourself up (not off sadly) for not launching into 2016 full of positive affirmations and amazingness. The old head creeps back in and the committee starts to speak up;

Negative Voice 1 - "See, I told you so. You can't do that. Ridiculous idea. You've fucked it already. You wanker"

Negative Voice 2 - "Eat my chocolate log you fat bastard. You've already put on a stone, what's the point in eating healthy now."

Negative Voice 3 - "Stay in your habits and do not change them. You cant anyway. We've got you, so you may as-well give up. Twat

Negative Voice 4 - "They're all better than you and you have nothing. Idiot."

Helpful committee aren't they? Those with an alcoholic head will identify. Most people with self hatred or inner negative voices will also have these from time to time. So what was the solution?

Well, it was to get up off the sofa, get out of the inertia, drive for an hour to visit my Mum and Brother and family, do something that involved others and then go to a meeting in the evening. It had to be done. All of the rest of the intentions can wait. It's step by step. Positive actions can lead to bigger positive returns later.

My head always follows my feet. I have to put in action then the rest of me follows. In AA there is a wonderful saying. "Have smart feet" - no-one ever thought themselves well and thus it is about having smart feet and letting them take me to my Family's or to a meeting where the head will eventually settle and change. The committee will quieten and I can get on with my life.

Oh PS, don't worry, I'm not a saint by the way. I still managed to be a grumpy bastard, say something to a dear friend that pissed them off, was rude, abrupt and really horrible to someone else and made someone cry. I mean I'm not a spiritual guru or saint here. And that's when I'm trying to be nice. Jesus can you imagine me on a bad day?!! Happy New Year!

I know what I'm up against here. My head. It's like a turning a tanker round at times. From negative to positive. It doesn't come naturally. The mind and head is a powerful tool. Mental health and mood is so closely related to lifestyle yet sometimes I just don't see it. The self sabotage in me is strong. The self will iron like. But today was a simple example of change being a positive action rather than a word or thought. It can start right now. This minute.

Putting the Quality Street down. Picking up the phone to ask how someone is doing. Walking instead of taking a lift. Going to see your Mum instead of lazing on the sofa. Whatever it is/ they make you feel better. Small daily positive steps all add up and I found that out today. Do the opposite of wat my tired bad head says and I'll be alright.

I'm looking forward to 2016. I have aspirations to turn 'The Inside Job' into something, change my life, become a coach/trainer, develop greater learning, do an Ironman in under 13 hours, stop eating buttered meat, get healthier and turn this blog into a great little brand and help others. I want to work with people in recovery. I want to help people lose weight, get healthier, achieve their goals, manage addictions. I'm not sure how or what yet but I'm up for the challenge.

So Who's in for the ride? It maybe bumpy at times but you know what - it will be well worth it I promise you of that.

Have a good year everyone

Nicholas E Evans.