Honesty is a tricky subject for men. Most of us are born bull shitters. It's just we never like to admit it.
Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft.
Honesty is revered in many cultures and religions. Honesty means being truthful, trustworthy, loyal, fair and sincere. Not the most rock and roll of personal attributes nor are they fashionable but by Christ are they powerful when used.
Lets face it, we live in a dishonesty world. The truth is a rare commodity. Whether it be politicians saying what they think the public want to hear, major corporations moving corporation tax offshore, bankers and financial institutions hoodwinking us, companies advertising their products, scammers scamming us, junk mail junking us, Group on discounting us, image consultants moulding us or celebrities annoying us. It's all a bunch of bull shit. The scary thing is millions believe it. Or do we?
I usually write reasonably funny, slightly piss taking 'Guides to...Man stuff', listing 10 irreverent matters on a particular subject to make you (the reader) laugh and post good things about it. I like making you laugh. I like humour. I like people laughing at stuff I've written or said. It makes me feel good. Especially if I've created it. After all a narcissist's ego's need feeding right?
But this is not a funny guide (OK I will do a bit at the end then to try and make you cackle) - but I've recently woken up to the fact I've been dishonest for ages. Bullshitting myself & others without even knowing it. Or if I did know, I became so used to doing it I didn't know how to act any different. It became my friend. The norm. I lied to myself and I even started to believe it.
It took a radical act from someone close to me to shake me out of my coma and see the truth. The brutal truth about myself and I didn't like what I saw. Self serving, self centred, chronically selfish dishonesty wrapped up in what I thought 'being a nice guy'. I wasn't. Sure I did good things. I have a good heart. We all make mistakes. But constant deep rooted dishonest behaviour deeply hurt people. It made me think about my moral code, my integrity, my truthfulness both to others and myself. Was I being the best I can be? What had I learnt from my parents, my grandparents?
In my case my heroes. Father and eldest brother have been my Male role models. They were alcoholic lunatics. Build it up & smash it down, full of ego, charisma, bullshit and dishonesty. I so wanted to be like them. Not my quiet, hard working, diligent trustworthy, solid and honest Grandfather. I wanted the outlandish bull shitting. That's what caught my attention from an early age and I thought it was OK to be dishonest. Trouble is I had my Mother's genes too. Caring, sensitive, moralistic and good. I didn't like to let people down. I had a conscience - so there began a double life from an early age.
First example was trying to be one of the boys, leader of the pack. Full of cockiness and pride so I had respect when underneath I felt less than, needy and weak. That's dishonesty from an early age right there. The outside not matching the in. Progress into adulthood and you have chronic secret drinking away from the family, seedy behaviour and finally dishonest womanising over a long period of time. Is it honest to get someone to fall in love with you because you don't feel good enough yourself? That's a dishonest selfish act right there. See what I mean now?
Don't be thinking I'm being too hard on myself here or beating myself into a self pitying state. I'm not. I've seen the brutal truth about myself and I want to change.
I've recently made a commitment to try and be honest. I've had a spiritual and Karmic shift on this gear. It feels good. It's tough as sometimes telling the truth is scary and can hurt people, but over all it is for the best. Life is cleaner and clearer that way.
There are of course many layers of dishonesty. The nasty deep down and dirty dishonesty. Stalkers, criminals, paedophiles, rapists and fraudsters. Hell bent on lying, deceiving, cheating and lying for criminal & personal sick gain. We shall leave them be for this blog. Too much mess on that subject.
Then you have the mass corporate dishonesty of the capitalist world. Greed and everything that comes with chasing a pound note, monetising life. We are a market, a brand, a consumer. A saleable commodity and greed encourages dishonesty. Organisations & institutions will stop at nothing to make money.
Then there is the media dishonesty. Presenting an image rather than the truth. Reducing everything to a sound bite or instant image. Even creating news which is total fabrication - (Hillsborough, Leveson Enquiry anyone?)
This is followed by the personal dishonesty of yourself. Be it work, tax, relationships, sex and life. It's up to us if we choose to engage in that or not. We are not robots. We are human and make mistakes.
There is social media dishonesty of presenting a face to the world you want to be seen as, yet the truth is somewhat different. How many of us have looked at people's Facebook lives and thought 'you bastard, you look like you have an amazing life' or even amplified our own?
Then finally there is the self honesty. The real guts of the truth. What I talked about in my introduction. This is the one I am really interested in. Am I being true to myself.
Are you? To people in your life. To the world. This is often hidden and people can last for years fooling themselves or behaving in a certain way that is simply not their calling. I know this because I have done it for 39 years until recently. I'm only just discovering the layers of lies I have lived by, told myself and listened to for longer than I care to remember.
Example? Well, do you have days when your inner voice tells you, your not good enough, your no good, it's all over. They (whoever they are) are better? - Is this the truth? Who says? It's a form of self dishonesty that can last for years. It can hold you back. Affect your life so much without knowing it or being able to do something about it. Self dishonesty.
Consider yourself a good person? I know I did. Whilst doing good things for others but deep down I knew I was doing it to get rid of my guilt for other behaviours. Is that so selfless then? No it's deep rooted dishonesty and it's a real belter.
It's OK of course. Not dramatic. Nobody can see it. It doesn't make me a monster or terrible person. But it gnaws away at my soul causing unhappiness and pain. You act on that pain, make poor decisions thus affecting others. It's a ripple effect. A domino all born out of dishonesty. See where I'm going with this?
My point I guess is being true to yourself & uncovering layers of self honesty can have a massive impact on your life and those around you. It doesn't have to bring fame or fortune but it can lighten the load. Even if it's just making you smile more or feel better about yourself. It could of course help you with a job, starting a business, growing a family, making better decisions or having better esteem. It's not rocket science but it eluded me for years. I certainly don't have the answers but I'm starting to understand the solutions
Of course you must be careful with honesty. You have to filter it to suit society. If someone is a proper knob. Telling them publicly, out loud or on social media can cause a whole heap of trouble. Either through libel, stalking or getting your nose broken. Unless it's Simon Cowell, tread carefully.
If you're in a business meeting or interview it's not the socially acceptable thing to stop the meeting and confess openly your feelings of unease, discomfort and fear. This can cause embarrassing silences, loss of the deal or being sectioned. Instead I would say recognise it internally, acknowledge it and try not to break down in blubbering tears. It will be OK.
Honesty about a searing resentment towards someone is tricky. It's usually better to share it with another person rather than stabbing the one you have a resentment against in the eye with a battered sausage. Sometimes we have to be honest but tailor where we put it.
That's not to say it's not a good thing to tell people the truth about them. Sometimes it shows you love someone enough to want to try to help them if you see an area you think is a problem to them. It shows you really notice them. This is called an intervention, or in my case 'preaching bastard'.
This is where it can all go wrong. In my case the desire to tell the truth has often ended in offering advice on a range of subjects I'm not qualified, to someone who hasn't asked for said advice. This nearly always ends in tears, misery and long bouts of silence. Hopefully I will learn to be asked first one day before wading in at the deep end. I know I'm in trouble when I can feel my mouth going on it's own and the pointed finger is placed in the face of the poor person on the receiving end. When the phrase "What you need to do is....." comes out of the locker it's time to run for cover. It's like honesty tourettes sometimes. Dreadful.
I have always been honest with how I feel. It's how I operate. I'm dreadful at hiding my feelings. If I'm angry I go off like a fire cracker. If I'm excited I'm like Ken Barlow at a Scouts convention. If I'm hurt I go all moody and sulky (pretty much like all men) and so on. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If my feelings don't come out they fester and boil. This used to end in a mammoth drinking session & chaos. Now it ends with anger.
The flip side of the coin is suppression. Keeping the feelings all in. Letting them fester inside. This is a weird form of dishonesty. It's not for me to criticise as I've fucked up many times but I find this one of the most dangerous & under-rated forms of dishonesty. It's never seen by the outside world yet keeps the person in pain for ages. Restricts their life, their freedom, their sense of fun, their openness in relationships and can in some cases end up with it causing physical illness. The body cannot cope with such internal mental stress. It will collapse in some ways. All brought on by a sense of self dishonesty that people never see or are able to lock out of being locked in. It's painful to see & frustrating.
So why am I saying all this? Because I want people to be true to themselves. To break out of that locked in dishonesty I was in for so long. To be true to themselves. To be set free. To tell the truth about themselves. To connect with others like me and say 'it's OK to be a bit of a fuck up. We all are! Now move on'
So there we have it. Not many answers there I'm afraid other than to say it's been on my mind a lot and I had to say it. I've been so dishonest for so long it's good to come out of the closet so to speak and admit it. I hope it encourages you to do the same.
It's time for new beginnings and if I'm caught lying ever again I've totally fucked myself here haven't I? Nothing like someone droning on publicly about honesty and being truthful and then carrying on like a knob privately. Still if I do that, at least I can become a politician.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."- Thomas Jefferson.
The Nick Evans
If some of you readers like things a bit lighter and funnier - Here is a little something for you;
The Nick Evans Mans Guide To Honesty - Girls take note.
Size
Men if asked how big you cock is. Simply subtract 2 inches from your waist and add it to your old chap. That way your entire body mass is technically correct. Just distributed more evenly. It's not being dishonest it's simple mathematics.
Image
Never let anyone see the real you. Simply post up pictures of random women, you in a bar, on holiday and in massive groups of people on Facebook. That way people will think you are man about town. Check you have put 20p in your electricity meter in your bedsit 1st in order to power up your laptop to peddle this lie on social media.
Sayings
To begin a sentence always use the term, 'To be honest with you'. Make sure you then follow this up with more shit than a sewage works. Nobody expects truth after starting with that phrase. It's a get out clause.
General Knowledge
Make sure you come across as fountain of all knowledge. Use the term 'I know' a lot. Of course you don't. But make sure you excuse yourself to the bathroom and google whatever is being discussed. It's important you come across as a know it all and have the solution for everything. If you don't know dismiss whatever is being discussed as 'bollocks'. Contempt prior to investigation is an important part of the dishonest male's armoury.
Women
It's perfectly normal to exaggerate your sexual conquests. Maximize this in male company so you come over as a cross between Warren Beatty & Casanova. Of course this works in the opposite way in female company. Minimize your history and be sure to say you haven't been truly satisfied yet. Be sure to gloss over the orgies, swinging parties and 22 year old nympho you dated last week. Having said that your failure to locate her clitoris and make her orgasm will highlight your lack of sexual expertise. Stick to spark plugs on a Ford Focus. You have more chance rummaging under that bonnet than hers.
Your Woman
It's important to tell her truth how your feeling. For instance 'Im horny' or 'Im hungry'. Once you have received the brush off retreat back to familiar silence.
When asked how she looks in a certain outfit this is when your new found honesty and when to employ it is tested. A simple 'lovely darling' will mean the above is far more likely. The real truth your thinking that she looks like 'James May in Drag' is best kept in your locker.
Diplomacy can increase your chances of getting fed and sucked off. Honesty will kill them dead.
Cheating
You cannot lie on this subject. Women just know. The one technique you can try to employ is the tried and tested 'best form of defence is attack'. When confronted with the truth try and bluster, shout, scream, wave your hands around and point out her bad points. If this fails play the self pity card and shed some tears of self. However we all know including you, you've fucked up badly and she will see through your pitiful attempts at dishonesty. man up, admit and immediately move out to a mates room in Harsleden. You have fucked up. Honesty will only come after you have realised the full extent of your selfish fuck up and you lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
Of course you could always try Monogamy gents. Just a suggestion, weird I know but well worth a go.
Drinking
If you are drunk and asked how many drinks you've had it's important you stick to 'a couple of pints'. This signifies sociability without going over the top. The fact you can barely stand doesn't mean anything. You drank on an empty stomach of course.
Underplay your drinking spree with 'I had to, they forced me to go to the pub'. Make sure you speak really slowly like you're learning to get over a stroke to reinforce the lie you're off your face. Finally when you have puked up, blame it on a 'dodgy kebab' not the 18 Jaeger bombs you sunk at closing time.
Arguing
Never admit your wrong. Never listen to her. Talk over her. Raise your voice. Be unreasonable and finally storm off to the pub. Make sure you've had a few pints and loosened up before texting her, "have you realised I was right yet?" Good luck sleeping rough.
Sport
A great one this. Make sure you endlessly talk as if you're a level 5 coach and former professional player. Rinse the entire game, pundit, fan, player, manager, coach who has ever played the game. Then when offered the chance to actually play in a kick a bout, feign injury and blame your 'dodgy back'. It's important never to show you have the sporting ability of a Saveloy.
Keep up the good work boys - hope you enjoyed
The Nick Evans
Twitter - @goanick
Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
1st Anniversary of Lillian Probert's death - Me Nan
Remembering my Nan
Today, the 21st June 2013 is the 1st anniversary of my Nan's death. I am in Llanelli with my Mum to mark the occasion. It's not a sad time because her spirit is still in us. She lived until 97 and had her time on the earth. She was ready to leave. It was the right time. She's genuinely at peace. She was remarkable. She was the classic Welsh Matriarch. She was my Nan and today we remember her and all other Nan's out there we so fondly recall (or as she would say 'whatacall').
Here are my memories from the Eulogy I gave at her funeral last year. I'm sure you will recognise some of your Nan in her.
EULOGY TO NAN AT HER FUNERAL FRIDAY 29th JUNE 2012.
Here is my eulogy to Nan. Or as others know her, Mum, Lil, Lillian, Auntie Lil, Nan Lil, Mrs Probert or Mrs P.
She lived such a long life, and was so well loved by so many. Her Daughter Jan and Son Ken, Her 3 Grandsons& 1 Grandaughter, Her 2 Great grandsons and 2 Great grand daughters, her sister, her nephews, her nieces and so many friends from Llanelli and the community who loved and respected her. We are all here today to pay our respects & celebrate her life.
We are here to share memories of Nan. To honour her life & her spirit. To remember what made her so special to us. They are not just my memories but all of ours. I speak for everyone who loved her.
Margaret Lillian Daniels was Born 13th April 1915. On the Bryn. The 5th of 10 children. Her father, or Daki, David Daniels was a chauffeur and her mother, or Mamgi, Mary Jane Daniels a maid. She spoke so fondly of her childhood and how it shaped her attitude to life. She would remember how her mother would cook fresh bread, cakes and suppers, clean, keep the house and bring up the children. Big boiling pots, cakes left out to cool. Her father reading the paper. Learning respect, family love and honour. It shaped her life. She was a happy from a young age.
She was a tough character. Angelic but strong. Packed off to work at 14!!!!, (told you she was strong) becoming a housemaid for a Bank Manager in Park Howard, She cried herself to sleep every night but worked there for 6 years. She was a grafter.
When we were children we used to spend summers with her and put on at least a stone. Welsh women like their men sturdy.
I can see her Drinking a cup of tea and eating a kit Kat
I can see her immaculately turned out in what she like to call a new ‘rig out’
I can see her Popping into a room you were in and saying 'therewarthen', like a Welsh gap filler. It was a word that meant absolutely nothing but said so much.
In short she was adorable. The last week has seen a steady flow of visitors, paying respects and wishes. The Kate and William commemorative plate had to be moved from the mantelpiece to accommodate the cards. She is well loved.
I suppose that's what happens when you have been so respectful and lovely to people throughout your life. It is given back.
She was so active, It must have been be hard to lose her fierce independence. She was a proud woman. And despite everything she never complained. Never showed pain. ‘No one likes a moaner’ she used to tell me. She was always so ‘up’. Everyone who cared for her said how much of a model patient she was. She had a stronger life force than anyone I've known. Her will was cast iron. Her spirit strong. Even to the end.
Today, the 21st June 2013 is the 1st anniversary of my Nan's death. I am in Llanelli with my Mum to mark the occasion. It's not a sad time because her spirit is still in us. She lived until 97 and had her time on the earth. She was ready to leave. It was the right time. She's genuinely at peace. She was remarkable. She was the classic Welsh Matriarch. She was my Nan and today we remember her and all other Nan's out there we so fondly recall (or as she would say 'whatacall').
Here are my memories from the Eulogy I gave at her funeral last year. I'm sure you will recognise some of your Nan in her.
EULOGY TO NAN AT HER FUNERAL FRIDAY 29th JUNE 2012.
Here is my eulogy to Nan. Or as others know her, Mum, Lil, Lillian, Auntie Lil, Nan Lil, Mrs Probert or Mrs P.
She lived such a long life, and was so well loved by so many. Her Daughter Jan and Son Ken, Her 3 Grandsons& 1 Grandaughter, Her 2 Great grandsons and 2 Great grand daughters, her sister, her nephews, her nieces and so many friends from Llanelli and the community who loved and respected her. We are all here today to pay our respects & celebrate her life.
We are here to share memories of Nan. To honour her life & her spirit. To remember what made her so special to us. They are not just my memories but all of ours. I speak for everyone who loved her.
Margaret Lillian Daniels was Born 13th April 1915. On the Bryn. The 5th of 10 children. Her father, or Daki, David Daniels was a chauffeur and her mother, or Mamgi, Mary Jane Daniels a maid. She spoke so fondly of her childhood and how it shaped her attitude to life. She would remember how her mother would cook fresh bread, cakes and suppers, clean, keep the house and bring up the children. Big boiling pots, cakes left out to cool. Her father reading the paper. Learning respect, family love and honour. It shaped her life. She was a happy from a young age.
She was a tough character. Angelic but strong. Packed off to work at 14!!!!, (told you she was strong) becoming a housemaid for a Bank Manager in Park Howard, She cried herself to sleep every night but worked there for 6 years. She was a grafter.
It was here she met Edwin Vernon Probert. Not keen at first she played hard to get. He was keen on her so one night he walked her home and bought every Chocolate Bar in the sweet shop to win her over. She always had a sweet tooth.
Later He chose a weekend riding a Norton motorbike over meeting her. She wrote him a letter saying it’s me or the motorbike. They were married for 51 years! He made the right choice!
They were married in Dafen church on 26th March 1940, Easter Saturday. Their wedding present was a joint of welsh lamb! They moved into Brynmoor Road and so started a beautiful 51 year marriage and a 72 year stay at number 14. She was the oldest member of Dafen church, the longest serving resident of Brynmoor Road. She really was the best.
She lived in Brynmoor Road for 72 years and in that time cooked 296,567 Sunday Roast dinners, 600,966 Rock Cakes and said 'Therewarthen' 3.4million times. She was a star. Everyone loved her.
She lived in Brynmoor Road for 72 years and in that time cooked 296,567 Sunday Roast dinners, 600,966 Rock Cakes and said 'Therewarthen' 3.4million times. She was a star. Everyone loved her.
You couldn’t leave the house without a straining stomach or 7 litres of tea inside you. I never met anyone who loved ‘a nice cup of tea’ as much as her. I think she was responsible for 50% of PG tips sales in Wales.
She was an avid watcher of the news & weather. Lunchtime, early evening and News at ten. Forget BBC news Just ask NanNews. Always up to date and sharp as a knife. I miss my weather bulletins.
She was an avid watcher of the news & weather. Lunchtime, early evening and News at ten. Forget BBC news Just ask NanNews. Always up to date and sharp as a knife. I miss my weather bulletins.
She Loved to talk. Sometimes barely drawing breath. But she did get the occasional thing wrong. For instance she felt sorry for those long distance HIV drivers. Would occasionally like a cubicle of chocolate and liked Michael Portaloo on the BBC.
Her house was immaculate as was she. Neighbours remembered her for having the shiniest door knocker in Brynmoor Rd. She was always cleaning the front. Standards you see. Even the parlour (or front room) looked like a showroom, though it was rarely used. I think she was saving it for Terry Griffiths, the home town boy. Or as Nan used to call him ‘Terry’. She always had a soft spot
She used to lower her voice when she talked about neighbours, as if they were listening. Her memory was incredible and she could bamboozle you with her complex knowledge of what was happening in Llanelli. Linking several stories into one long Nan monologue.
She always stuffed money in my hand when i visited, she was a total giver and carer. Hard working, humble and loving, but would never say it. She liked to send cards with footballs or trains on the front even when i was into my 30's. You never grow up in the eyes of Nans.
Her house was immaculate as was she. Neighbours remembered her for having the shiniest door knocker in Brynmoor Rd. She was always cleaning the front. Standards you see. Even the parlour (or front room) looked like a showroom, though it was rarely used. I think she was saving it for Terry Griffiths, the home town boy. Or as Nan used to call him ‘Terry’. She always had a soft spot
She used to lower her voice when she talked about neighbours, as if they were listening. Her memory was incredible and she could bamboozle you with her complex knowledge of what was happening in Llanelli. Linking several stories into one long Nan monologue.
She always stuffed money in my hand when i visited, she was a total giver and carer. Hard working, humble and loving, but would never say it. She liked to send cards with footballs or trains on the front even when i was into my 30's. You never grow up in the eyes of Nans.
She would hum and sing when she was going up the stairs in key. Always so happy.
She answered the phone in a posh phone voice ‘Heelllooo’ – oh it’s you Rob
She soft spot for boiled mints and always had a bigger supply than Rowntrees. Humbugs and Butter mints were her favourite. This love of mints made her coin the immortal phrase "Do you want a mint in your mouth?" - As opposed to where Nan ? It was a legendary catchphrase.
Her cooking was legendary. Victoria Sandwich sponge, Christmas cake, Bread and Butter Pudding, Ham and Parsley Sauce, Rice Pudding, Welsh Cakes and homemade Chips. Bread and Butter was placed on the table at every meal time. Butter melted in front of the fire. She was proper old school. Always fresh cooking. Never packaged. No microwaves. A big lover of 'Chops'.
Her cooking was legendary. Victoria Sandwich sponge, Christmas cake, Bread and Butter Pudding, Ham and Parsley Sauce, Rice Pudding, Welsh Cakes and homemade Chips. Bread and Butter was placed on the table at every meal time. Butter melted in front of the fire. She was proper old school. Always fresh cooking. Never packaged. No microwaves. A big lover of 'Chops'.
Like most Welsh women She was a feeder. Her way of expressing love. But she was relentless.
"Want a sandwich?"
"No thanksNan , I'm OK"
"Rock Cake?"
"NoNan , I'm stuffed after the Roast Dinner at 11am"
"Have a Breakaway"
"No thanks"
"Blue Ribband?"
"No"
"Have a Kit Kat"
"NoNan , I'm full"
"Biscuit?"
"No"
"Rich Tea, that doesn't count?"
"No thanksNan "
"Digestive?"
"No"
"Fig roll?"
"No"
"Garibaldi?"
"NoNan , i'm stuffed"
"Ok then, if you're sure"..............
,.......................................
"Crisps then" and so on
"Want a sandwich?"
"No thanks
"Rock Cake?"
"No
"Have a Breakaway"
"No thanks"
"Blue Ribband?"
"No"
"Have a Kit Kat"
"No
"Biscuit?"
"No"
"Rich Tea, that doesn't count?"
"No thanks
"Digestive?"
"No"
"Fig roll?"
"No"
"Garibaldi?"
"No
"Ok then, if you're sure"..............
,.......................................
"Crisps then" and so on
When we were children we used to spend summers with her and put on at least a stone. Welsh women like their men sturdy.
I can still see her false teeth in the old Stork Margarine tub by the sink,
I can see her in The kitchen rubbing Nivea cream at bed time. I can picture her old shopping trolley in the conservatory, I can see her in her housecoat, going to the shops on a Friday and getting her hair ‘set’.
I can see her sitting in her chair watching Emmerdale
I can see her Drinking a cup of tea and eating a kit Kat
I can see her immaculately turned out in what she like to call a new ‘rig out’
I can see her Popping into a room you were in and saying 'therewarthen', like a Welsh gap filler. It was a word that meant absolutely nothing but said so much.
In short she was adorable. The last week has seen a steady flow of visitors, paying respects and wishes. The Kate and William commemorative plate had to be moved from the mantelpiece to accommodate the cards. She is well loved.
I suppose that's what happens when you have been so respectful and lovely to people throughout your life. It is given back.
She was so active, It must have been be hard to lose her fierce independence. She was a proud woman. And despite everything she never complained. Never showed pain. ‘No one likes a moaner’ she used to tell me. She was always so ‘up’. Everyone who cared for her said how much of a model patient she was. She had a stronger life force than anyone I've known. Her will was cast iron. Her spirit strong. Even to the end.
Something that sums up her spirit – About 5 years ago she fell over and broke her leg. Ken arrived to pick her up and put her in her chair. He said "I'll call an ambulance and the doctor". She said ‘No fuss, just take me to bed and I'll have a cup of tea’. Amazing!! Rock hard.
It was nice to listen and spend time with her over the past year. To Learn from. To learn respect. She came from an era when life was simple. Family was key. You didn't moan, complain and were grateful for your lot. She was a Grafter and humble, No ego. No resentment. She didn't talk about emotions but was full of love. Like all people of that era she would never say it but would show it through actions.
Nan. We salute you. We salute your attitude, your spirit, your gratitude. We salute your life. When you were asked about the secret to your long life, you pointed to you’re legs and said ‘these are my transport’ .
Your legacy is a message of hope, of positivity, of activity, to get on with life, to be grateful, to be happy. We celebrate your life.
It’s hard to think she is no longer here, because she has always been here. The constant mainstay in all our lives. Death is sad. Loss is hard. But she is not lost. She will never go. Because she lives on in our hearts & our souls. She will live on forever.
Goodbye Nan. We love you. We remember you. May you rest in peace.
Lillian Probert
PS Nan - If you are listening, PG Tips sales have decreased by 24% and the Rock Cakes down here are shabby.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The Nick Evans Mans Guide To The Pub
The Nick Evans Mans Guide To The Pub
These are worrying times for men. Our role in society is changing. Men up and down the land are being emasculated. Is it therefore any coincidence that over 5,000 pubs have been shut since 2005? They are closing now at a rate of 12 a week. As the Great British Pub diminishes so does Man's masculinity.
The rise of metrosexual 'new man' has been shaped by the decline in the Great British Pub. 'Bloke in the pub' is now an endangered species. A dying breed. So much so I have lobbied English heritage to make them Grade II listed and placed on the WWF endangered species list along with people who speak on landlines and hand write letters.
Pubs were not just places to drink, to meet or be sociable. They performed a valuable role in the development of man. You went into them a boy and left a man. Albeit a flabby single one. Granted it took several years but you know what I mean. They were places of valuable life experience, knowledge, information & social dis-function. They were a counselling service, Samaritans, business advice centre & social club all rolled into one. If ever man was in doubt about anything he could go to the pub to seek other men for sage advice & simply to talk shit for several hours.
No more. Pubs these days have to cater to an ever changing world. They are either themed, full of teenagers binge drinking, serving poncey food covered in 'Jus' or 'family friendly' meeting places full of noisy kids and soft furnishings. Taxes, rates, cost of beer and the double standards of Government has effectively fucked the pub right up. Drinking is now too costly hence the rise of the gentrified gastro pub. It's all 'eateries', 'kitchens', 'grills' and 'dining rooms'. In the old days the only dining room was an open packet of Ready Salted next to an over full ashtray. A sad demise.
The men only saloon bar has vanished. This Male haven is no more. It used to be an oasis of calm, where men could go to stand in silence. Drinking. No chat, no fun, no 'Pinot Grigio'. The only food on offer was pork scratchings. The special of the day, 'liver chirisos'. It was like a meditation centre for men as they could seek refuge from the pressures of the outside world, nagging women and be comfortable in the drunken silence of other men. Of course they are all dead now. Prematurely from alcoholism no doubt.
With pubs shutting and the role of modern man being questioned. I thought it would be useful to provide a Mans Guide To The Pub. It's sad that a new generation of men are growing up thinking pub etiquette is buying coloured alcohol drinks that taste of candy or slow roasted Devon Pork with an Bramley reduction. It's time to Man up boys and learn from our forefathers in the art of Pub behaviour. It's at the very core of what being a man is all about. We should never forget our roots or heritage. These men literally gave their lives so the new generation of pub goers could eat jarred Pistachios with carefree abandon. Enjoy;
Put down your 'Nuts' magazine (& nuts). Put the lid on your exfoliation cream. Turn off X factor and Man up. Its time for an unashamedly one dimensional old school nostalgia trip. It's Your Mans Guide to the Great British Pub;
1 - Choosing the right Pub.
Avoid 'happy hour' or worse still 'Gastro pubs'. The only thing gastro you should get from a pub is Enteritis. Pubs are there to drink. Not eat. That's why God created 'AbraKebabra'. For solo drinking choose a pub that looks like it's been recently committed for demolition. Perfect isolation. If you are feeling sociable feel free to choose a pub with music. Be careful not to venture into the Walkabout or 'theme pub' area. This is like a living hell for old school man and creates strong homicidal tendencies. It is a well known fact that over 80% of spree killings happen after an all dayer in a Walkabout pub.
2 - Match the Pub to Your social standing
A useful psychological trick missed by most psychotherapists and counsellors. Choose a place that is lower than your social standing. This will boost your esteem and help you to live under the illusion you are better than you really are. This is crucial for Male pride and self delusion. Two massively important aspects modern man has sadly lost. By choosing a proper shit hole (or as we like to call it 'Wetherspoons') it will mean you can bounce along on the bottom without ever feeling you are doing badly, there will always be someone in the pub worse off than yourself, creating false feelings of 'I'm doing OK', when everyone other than you knows your not.
Be ultra careful not to choose a pub with well to do clientele. Avoid 'All Bar One' at all costs. If you do end up in one of these places it could make you feel utterly worthless and less than, as you look around twenty some things all doing better than you and having more fun. This could well send you into a spiral of depression, however you may content yourself in the fact at least you don't drink coloured alcohol and pretend you know about wine. Leave these bunch of Foxton cunts to their pretentious fun and return back to the safe haven of The Red Lion. Your feelings of superiority will soon return and you will congratulate yourself that you have indeed put in the hard yards at the pub not like those lightweights who will probably leave All Bar one, get married, have kids and live happily like most normal people. Be proud that you didn't take this path and instead stick to heroic masculine solitary alcoholism. Well done.
3 - Attire
Get your pub clobber right boys. Clearly if it is a social occasion you may want to dress to impress. This involves wearing something not from Sports Direct. It's a well known fact 88% of women do not get turned on by tracksuit bottoms. Particularly with normal shoes. This doesn't signify eclectic individualism. It signifies mental illness. Instead choose something unique, individual and stylish. Perhaps a pastel coloured Ben Sherman shirt. Be careful not to tuck it in. If it's topped off with a spider gel hairstyle and enormous gut you will have women falling at your feet. You are now ready to proceed.
If you are a more advanced hardened drinker. You will have your tried and trusted drinking trousers. These are more stained than a Jackson Pollock. Most will have turn ups to catch any spillage, peanuts or flecks of vomit. By now they have been worn so many times they will actually walk you to the pub and home themselves. They are a skid stained Sat Nav or as hardened drinkers like to call them, 'Shat Nav'.
If you are in early stages of alcoholism you may hold up your drinking trousers with a dressing gown chord. If you are in advanced stages you may just wear a dressing gown. You have now officially given up.
4- Getting ready
For a younger generation you may put some effort into your appearance. It involves washing, shaving, gelling up that hairpiece and giving your cock a lucky wash 'just in case'. A splash of 'farenheit'' and you're ready to roll. This is the best time in a mans life. Full of optimism and hope. The evening and weekend is in front of you. The world of the pub is yet to fill you with cynicism and bitterness. It is as yet unborn. The limitless potential. Who will I meet? Who can I chat up? All possibilities are before you. Enjoy this time men, for it doesn't last. Hardened drinkers will know this.
For hardened drinkers, getting ready involves checking for a pulse & breath. Optimism has long since passed. it's now about survival. Good luck you are now ready for the pub.
5 - The Pub Pecking Order
You have to earn your right in the pub. If you are young it will involve standing in a group with your mates. Usually taking the piss out of solo older drinkers. Then you graduate to a table, where you may entertain your lady friend or girls. This is your sensible phase. Here the pub becomes an extension of your living room. You still use it for social purposes and may even use it as a starting off place before going on somewhere else. You may even eat on occasions or nip in for a quick scan of the paper & pint. This is the best period of Mans life.
As you become more experienced and a regular you graduate to the stool at the bar and once the barmaid says the immortal phrase 'the usual?' - you know you have made it. At this stage you will be on familiar terms with the other regulars and feel you have found the secret of life. You have graduated from boy to man.
This is pub Nirvana and you can seek out advice from other regulars on a multitude of subjects. Relationships, money, investment, politics, work, career, job, romance. By now you have total respect for the older regulars and hang on their every word like it's the gospel. Do not be fooled by them spending all their time in the pub and living in a bedsit being twice divorced and pot less. These men have sage advice and life experience. Watch out though they are merely trying to get you to follow their path in order to sub a tenner off you before Giro day.
After a few more years. You will join this merry band of solitary drinkers. You will graduate to your own seat in the corner stool or for exercise, stand at the bar, with one arm resting on it and foot placed slightly raised on a stool. This is a textbook Pub position and is in perfect bio chemistry with your body mechanics. Plus it's easier to keep your trousers up over your gut that way. Which by now will be bigger than a Harvester. You have Graduated and worked your way through the pub positions. Well done. You are a human equivalent of a 'lager top'
6 - Conversation
It is a well know fact that all conversations in a pub are factually incorrect. Be careful not to come over as someone who doesn't know it all. You must claim to know everything in a pub. Never ever use the phrase 'I don't know'. All experts can be found down there. If you need relationship counselling. Go and see Barry. He's been married 5 times and his 6th is divorcing him. If you need money advice go and see Dave. He's filing for his 3rd Bankruptcy. The fountain of all knowledge in life is in the pub you just need to tap into it. It has performed a counselling role for many years, hence why divorce rates have steadily increased.
Of course in your early days pub conversation is full of banter, quick witted piss taking and optimistic chat about the future, life, fun, shagging, cars and holidays.
Then as you become more experienced you will sit or stand with a group of men all night and literally talk shit for hours. Nobody will remember what you discussed over the course of the evening and when you get home your woman will ask, "what did you talk about?" - you will say with genuine pride 'I have no idea'. Good work fellas.
Never let a fact get in the way of a good conversation. All good pub talk is based on ignorance and ego. The best form is Bar room philosophy and be sure after a period of years to bore the arse off anyone who will listen to your views on life and the world. Be careful never to actually do anything about them but make sure you endlessly say 'I will do that tomorrow'. The art of good pub conversation is never to actually put any of it into action.
Hardened pub goers and drinkers will have exhausted any conversation over a period of years and will now drink in total silence for hours. A conversation for these is no more than 'the usual Shirley' or 'can you lend us a tenner'.
7 - Women
If you are looking to meet a girl. It's important to Impress her with how much booze you can handle. Ignore her all night and wait for her to come over to you. Behave like a proper twat and she is bound to notice how funny, larger than life and alpha you are. The fact she left long ago with her friends without noticing you just means she is playing hard to get. Do not be put off. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
If you are thinking of 'chatting up' a woman, it is essential to get 'well oiled' 1st. It is a well known fact that men are at least 80% funnier, cheekier, more direct & knowledgeable when drunk. You may also impress her by throwing down some shapes when a good song comes on. She will be putty in your hands when she sees how funny and out there you are. Of course getting the blend right is important. Go too far and all she will be thinking is 'twat'. Know your limits.
Beware though men, gender roles are changing. The highest rise in problem drinkers is in 16-30 female drinker. You will see packs of young girls hell bent on getting steaming, dressed head to toe in 'New Look' terrifying men up and down the country in pubs and absolutely rinsing them of self respect. It is a well know fact that most girls think blokes are total knob heads and girls on the piss are brutal in their dismantling of the Male psyche. Watch out boys and stay well clear of 'happy Hour' or any pubs that sell 'Wicked'. You may never recover.
8 - Closing Time
A sad part of any pub experience. Time to leave & face reality. If you've done a good shift closing time is not a choice but a necessity. Usually an 8 hour session will end in the words 'your barred'. If you've gone too far you will wake up in a police cell the next morning with no recollection of how you got there. It's time to accept responsibility and blame it 'on a dodgy pint'. Still at least it's another bullshit story to tell the other lads down the pub, unless of course you've been arrested for attacking them.
Last orders were usually called with the guvnor shouting something illegible like 'aint you got no 'omes to go to time please ladies & Gentlemen". Which you would hear as 'Ain you gt nhmzzzz toggg to time plze lazzzesss & gntnzzss".
If you are not ready for reality and the horrors of tomorrow. Simply get a takeout and continue the party (solo) in your living room. There is nothing like being a legend in your own living room. This is where all the best ideas are formed (and forgotten)
If you are really lucky, you will experience the ultimate in drinking. The right of passage for any man. As last orders pass, you may get to hear the immortal phrase 'lock in' and join the secret society of the very few and become part of the merry band of true brothers. Sadly Lock in's are now few and far between and if you are fortunate enough to have one - they are usually only to play Giant Jenga. Man up pubs.
9 - Health
The smoking ban has made pubs healthier places to visit. Nicotine stained walls are sadly a thing of the past. However it's not healthy for most old school pub drinkers. They have been relegated to Wetherspoons or the off licence. You can spot these by their mobility scooters parked outside. The modern pub has affected the health of this drinker badly. They are now free to slip into alcohol related ill health silently in the comfort of their own warden controlled flat rather than in full view of the pub. They do not have the safety of public drinking to slow them down. Modern Man should remember these poor souls who gave their life over to drinking. Tragic heroes who stayed true to their roots and brandy chasers.
10 - Future - Post Pub
So you've been through the stages of the pub. You've come out the other side. You've graduated and now have a normal life. You took the All Bar One route & got married. You visit the occasional pub for a drink with a mate, lunch or dinner with girlfriend/missus. You may even enjoy a pub quiz or occasional comedy night. The new pub is a meeting place. A 'lifestyle' experience. You walk in and say 'this is nice' 'look at those sofas'. This is the future. The pub is now an acceptable haven of soft furnishing. Like a Laura Ashley window display. You have accepted your role as a new man. You talk about your problems, you spend more time with your woman, you are a good dad, your priorities have changed. You rarely go out, you are a provider, a good man, a new man. You have a thin little beard and quite enjoy Top Gear.
Well boys just remember the next time you tuck in your kids, share a glass of Chardonnay with your wife, enjoy a Gourmet meal at the latest Gastro Pub with life long friends or listen to yet another girly boy with whispy beard and preppy hair sing a lame cover version on X Factor.
Remember those men who helped you get into that Gastro pub. They died for that Sofa. They dedicated their lives to completely wasting it, pissing it all away. Furnishing brewery's with their hard earned Disability Living Allowance and Housing Benefit so modern man could eat and drink in comfort of the Kings Head Pub & Dining House.
These tragic heroes. These men who understood little about women but made up that they did. These men who abandoned their responsibilities and dedicated themselves to the fruit machine, quiz machine, pool table, darts board & the bar. They Did so, so we could learn from them. So we could live a better life. So we could eat pistachios at £3 a pop. We owe them.
RIP Bloke from the Pub. You may have been a wasteful misogynist bull shitter but you were a real man. Whiny little fuck heads of today who sound like girls and attempt to get on Big Brother should take note. They were twice the man you'll ever be. Man up metrosexual man and Dial in it's time to get on the grid and learn the lessons from our elders. Which is basically do the opposite and you'll be alright my son.
The Nick Evans
These are worrying times for men. Our role in society is changing. Men up and down the land are being emasculated. Is it therefore any coincidence that over 5,000 pubs have been shut since 2005? They are closing now at a rate of 12 a week. As the Great British Pub diminishes so does Man's masculinity.
The rise of metrosexual 'new man' has been shaped by the decline in the Great British Pub. 'Bloke in the pub' is now an endangered species. A dying breed. So much so I have lobbied English heritage to make them Grade II listed and placed on the WWF endangered species list along with people who speak on landlines and hand write letters.
Pubs were not just places to drink, to meet or be sociable. They performed a valuable role in the development of man. You went into them a boy and left a man. Albeit a flabby single one. Granted it took several years but you know what I mean. They were places of valuable life experience, knowledge, information & social dis-function. They were a counselling service, Samaritans, business advice centre & social club all rolled into one. If ever man was in doubt about anything he could go to the pub to seek other men for sage advice & simply to talk shit for several hours.
No more. Pubs these days have to cater to an ever changing world. They are either themed, full of teenagers binge drinking, serving poncey food covered in 'Jus' or 'family friendly' meeting places full of noisy kids and soft furnishings. Taxes, rates, cost of beer and the double standards of Government has effectively fucked the pub right up. Drinking is now too costly hence the rise of the gentrified gastro pub. It's all 'eateries', 'kitchens', 'grills' and 'dining rooms'. In the old days the only dining room was an open packet of Ready Salted next to an over full ashtray. A sad demise.
The men only saloon bar has vanished. This Male haven is no more. It used to be an oasis of calm, where men could go to stand in silence. Drinking. No chat, no fun, no 'Pinot Grigio'. The only food on offer was pork scratchings. The special of the day, 'liver chirisos'. It was like a meditation centre for men as they could seek refuge from the pressures of the outside world, nagging women and be comfortable in the drunken silence of other men. Of course they are all dead now. Prematurely from alcoholism no doubt.
With pubs shutting and the role of modern man being questioned. I thought it would be useful to provide a Mans Guide To The Pub. It's sad that a new generation of men are growing up thinking pub etiquette is buying coloured alcohol drinks that taste of candy or slow roasted Devon Pork with an Bramley reduction. It's time to Man up boys and learn from our forefathers in the art of Pub behaviour. It's at the very core of what being a man is all about. We should never forget our roots or heritage. These men literally gave their lives so the new generation of pub goers could eat jarred Pistachios with carefree abandon. Enjoy;
Put down your 'Nuts' magazine (& nuts). Put the lid on your exfoliation cream. Turn off X factor and Man up. Its time for an unashamedly one dimensional old school nostalgia trip. It's Your Mans Guide to the Great British Pub;
1 - Choosing the right Pub.
Avoid 'happy hour' or worse still 'Gastro pubs'. The only thing gastro you should get from a pub is Enteritis. Pubs are there to drink. Not eat. That's why God created 'AbraKebabra'. For solo drinking choose a pub that looks like it's been recently committed for demolition. Perfect isolation. If you are feeling sociable feel free to choose a pub with music. Be careful not to venture into the Walkabout or 'theme pub' area. This is like a living hell for old school man and creates strong homicidal tendencies. It is a well known fact that over 80% of spree killings happen after an all dayer in a Walkabout pub.
2 - Match the Pub to Your social standing
A useful psychological trick missed by most psychotherapists and counsellors. Choose a place that is lower than your social standing. This will boost your esteem and help you to live under the illusion you are better than you really are. This is crucial for Male pride and self delusion. Two massively important aspects modern man has sadly lost. By choosing a proper shit hole (or as we like to call it 'Wetherspoons') it will mean you can bounce along on the bottom without ever feeling you are doing badly, there will always be someone in the pub worse off than yourself, creating false feelings of 'I'm doing OK', when everyone other than you knows your not.
Be ultra careful not to choose a pub with well to do clientele. Avoid 'All Bar One' at all costs. If you do end up in one of these places it could make you feel utterly worthless and less than, as you look around twenty some things all doing better than you and having more fun. This could well send you into a spiral of depression, however you may content yourself in the fact at least you don't drink coloured alcohol and pretend you know about wine. Leave these bunch of Foxton cunts to their pretentious fun and return back to the safe haven of The Red Lion. Your feelings of superiority will soon return and you will congratulate yourself that you have indeed put in the hard yards at the pub not like those lightweights who will probably leave All Bar one, get married, have kids and live happily like most normal people. Be proud that you didn't take this path and instead stick to heroic masculine solitary alcoholism. Well done.
3 - Attire
Get your pub clobber right boys. Clearly if it is a social occasion you may want to dress to impress. This involves wearing something not from Sports Direct. It's a well known fact 88% of women do not get turned on by tracksuit bottoms. Particularly with normal shoes. This doesn't signify eclectic individualism. It signifies mental illness. Instead choose something unique, individual and stylish. Perhaps a pastel coloured Ben Sherman shirt. Be careful not to tuck it in. If it's topped off with a spider gel hairstyle and enormous gut you will have women falling at your feet. You are now ready to proceed.
If you are a more advanced hardened drinker. You will have your tried and trusted drinking trousers. These are more stained than a Jackson Pollock. Most will have turn ups to catch any spillage, peanuts or flecks of vomit. By now they have been worn so many times they will actually walk you to the pub and home themselves. They are a skid stained Sat Nav or as hardened drinkers like to call them, 'Shat Nav'.
If you are in early stages of alcoholism you may hold up your drinking trousers with a dressing gown chord. If you are in advanced stages you may just wear a dressing gown. You have now officially given up.
4- Getting ready
For a younger generation you may put some effort into your appearance. It involves washing, shaving, gelling up that hairpiece and giving your cock a lucky wash 'just in case'. A splash of 'farenheit'' and you're ready to roll. This is the best time in a mans life. Full of optimism and hope. The evening and weekend is in front of you. The world of the pub is yet to fill you with cynicism and bitterness. It is as yet unborn. The limitless potential. Who will I meet? Who can I chat up? All possibilities are before you. Enjoy this time men, for it doesn't last. Hardened drinkers will know this.
For hardened drinkers, getting ready involves checking for a pulse & breath. Optimism has long since passed. it's now about survival. Good luck you are now ready for the pub.
5 - The Pub Pecking Order
You have to earn your right in the pub. If you are young it will involve standing in a group with your mates. Usually taking the piss out of solo older drinkers. Then you graduate to a table, where you may entertain your lady friend or girls. This is your sensible phase. Here the pub becomes an extension of your living room. You still use it for social purposes and may even use it as a starting off place before going on somewhere else. You may even eat on occasions or nip in for a quick scan of the paper & pint. This is the best period of Mans life.
As you become more experienced and a regular you graduate to the stool at the bar and once the barmaid says the immortal phrase 'the usual?' - you know you have made it. At this stage you will be on familiar terms with the other regulars and feel you have found the secret of life. You have graduated from boy to man.
This is pub Nirvana and you can seek out advice from other regulars on a multitude of subjects. Relationships, money, investment, politics, work, career, job, romance. By now you have total respect for the older regulars and hang on their every word like it's the gospel. Do not be fooled by them spending all their time in the pub and living in a bedsit being twice divorced and pot less. These men have sage advice and life experience. Watch out though they are merely trying to get you to follow their path in order to sub a tenner off you before Giro day.
After a few more years. You will join this merry band of solitary drinkers. You will graduate to your own seat in the corner stool or for exercise, stand at the bar, with one arm resting on it and foot placed slightly raised on a stool. This is a textbook Pub position and is in perfect bio chemistry with your body mechanics. Plus it's easier to keep your trousers up over your gut that way. Which by now will be bigger than a Harvester. You have Graduated and worked your way through the pub positions. Well done. You are a human equivalent of a 'lager top'
6 - Conversation
It is a well know fact that all conversations in a pub are factually incorrect. Be careful not to come over as someone who doesn't know it all. You must claim to know everything in a pub. Never ever use the phrase 'I don't know'. All experts can be found down there. If you need relationship counselling. Go and see Barry. He's been married 5 times and his 6th is divorcing him. If you need money advice go and see Dave. He's filing for his 3rd Bankruptcy. The fountain of all knowledge in life is in the pub you just need to tap into it. It has performed a counselling role for many years, hence why divorce rates have steadily increased.
Of course in your early days pub conversation is full of banter, quick witted piss taking and optimistic chat about the future, life, fun, shagging, cars and holidays.
Then as you become more experienced you will sit or stand with a group of men all night and literally talk shit for hours. Nobody will remember what you discussed over the course of the evening and when you get home your woman will ask, "what did you talk about?" - you will say with genuine pride 'I have no idea'. Good work fellas.
Never let a fact get in the way of a good conversation. All good pub talk is based on ignorance and ego. The best form is Bar room philosophy and be sure after a period of years to bore the arse off anyone who will listen to your views on life and the world. Be careful never to actually do anything about them but make sure you endlessly say 'I will do that tomorrow'. The art of good pub conversation is never to actually put any of it into action.
Hardened pub goers and drinkers will have exhausted any conversation over a period of years and will now drink in total silence for hours. A conversation for these is no more than 'the usual Shirley' or 'can you lend us a tenner'.
7 - Women
If you are looking to meet a girl. It's important to Impress her with how much booze you can handle. Ignore her all night and wait for her to come over to you. Behave like a proper twat and she is bound to notice how funny, larger than life and alpha you are. The fact she left long ago with her friends without noticing you just means she is playing hard to get. Do not be put off. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
If you are thinking of 'chatting up' a woman, it is essential to get 'well oiled' 1st. It is a well known fact that men are at least 80% funnier, cheekier, more direct & knowledgeable when drunk. You may also impress her by throwing down some shapes when a good song comes on. She will be putty in your hands when she sees how funny and out there you are. Of course getting the blend right is important. Go too far and all she will be thinking is 'twat'. Know your limits.
Beware though men, gender roles are changing. The highest rise in problem drinkers is in 16-30 female drinker. You will see packs of young girls hell bent on getting steaming, dressed head to toe in 'New Look' terrifying men up and down the country in pubs and absolutely rinsing them of self respect. It is a well know fact that most girls think blokes are total knob heads and girls on the piss are brutal in their dismantling of the Male psyche. Watch out boys and stay well clear of 'happy Hour' or any pubs that sell 'Wicked'. You may never recover.
8 - Closing Time
A sad part of any pub experience. Time to leave & face reality. If you've done a good shift closing time is not a choice but a necessity. Usually an 8 hour session will end in the words 'your barred'. If you've gone too far you will wake up in a police cell the next morning with no recollection of how you got there. It's time to accept responsibility and blame it 'on a dodgy pint'. Still at least it's another bullshit story to tell the other lads down the pub, unless of course you've been arrested for attacking them.
Last orders were usually called with the guvnor shouting something illegible like 'aint you got no 'omes to go to time please ladies & Gentlemen". Which you would hear as 'Ain you gt nhmzzzz toggg to time plze lazzzesss & gntnzzss".
If you are not ready for reality and the horrors of tomorrow. Simply get a takeout and continue the party (solo) in your living room. There is nothing like being a legend in your own living room. This is where all the best ideas are formed (and forgotten)
If you are really lucky, you will experience the ultimate in drinking. The right of passage for any man. As last orders pass, you may get to hear the immortal phrase 'lock in' and join the secret society of the very few and become part of the merry band of true brothers. Sadly Lock in's are now few and far between and if you are fortunate enough to have one - they are usually only to play Giant Jenga. Man up pubs.
9 - Health
The smoking ban has made pubs healthier places to visit. Nicotine stained walls are sadly a thing of the past. However it's not healthy for most old school pub drinkers. They have been relegated to Wetherspoons or the off licence. You can spot these by their mobility scooters parked outside. The modern pub has affected the health of this drinker badly. They are now free to slip into alcohol related ill health silently in the comfort of their own warden controlled flat rather than in full view of the pub. They do not have the safety of public drinking to slow them down. Modern Man should remember these poor souls who gave their life over to drinking. Tragic heroes who stayed true to their roots and brandy chasers.
10 - Future - Post Pub
So you've been through the stages of the pub. You've come out the other side. You've graduated and now have a normal life. You took the All Bar One route & got married. You visit the occasional pub for a drink with a mate, lunch or dinner with girlfriend/missus. You may even enjoy a pub quiz or occasional comedy night. The new pub is a meeting place. A 'lifestyle' experience. You walk in and say 'this is nice' 'look at those sofas'. This is the future. The pub is now an acceptable haven of soft furnishing. Like a Laura Ashley window display. You have accepted your role as a new man. You talk about your problems, you spend more time with your woman, you are a good dad, your priorities have changed. You rarely go out, you are a provider, a good man, a new man. You have a thin little beard and quite enjoy Top Gear.
Well boys just remember the next time you tuck in your kids, share a glass of Chardonnay with your wife, enjoy a Gourmet meal at the latest Gastro Pub with life long friends or listen to yet another girly boy with whispy beard and preppy hair sing a lame cover version on X Factor.
Remember those men who helped you get into that Gastro pub. They died for that Sofa. They dedicated their lives to completely wasting it, pissing it all away. Furnishing brewery's with their hard earned Disability Living Allowance and Housing Benefit so modern man could eat and drink in comfort of the Kings Head Pub & Dining House.
These tragic heroes. These men who understood little about women but made up that they did. These men who abandoned their responsibilities and dedicated themselves to the fruit machine, quiz machine, pool table, darts board & the bar. They Did so, so we could learn from them. So we could live a better life. So we could eat pistachios at £3 a pop. We owe them.
RIP Bloke from the Pub. You may have been a wasteful misogynist bull shitter but you were a real man. Whiny little fuck heads of today who sound like girls and attempt to get on Big Brother should take note. They were twice the man you'll ever be. Man up metrosexual man and Dial in it's time to get on the grid and learn the lessons from our elders. Which is basically do the opposite and you'll be alright my son.
The Nick Evans
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The Nick Evans Guide to.....Meeting your Girlfriend's parents for the 1st time
A Man's Guide to Meeting Your Girlfriend's Parents for The First Time
You've just got into a relationship. You're happy. Everything is sweetness and light. The sun always seems to shine. Birds tweet optimistically. Traffic parts. Even annoying people seem less so. All is well with the world.
You date for a few weeks. Things go well. She doesn't seem to mind your annoying habits, She doesn't complain about you eating like a rabid dog, merely smiling sweetly at the food you get around your mouth rather than in it. She smiles sweetly when you don't listen and speak over her. She doesn't even seem to mind the little bits of pee you dribble on your trousers when you nip off for a quick 'piss' after dinner. YET. Sometimes she even lets you mount her, so the time is right to meet the parents. Clearly she's a keeper.
This is a marker in the sand for any new relationship. It moves it to the next level. Of course some relationships don't need parental approval. Clearly if you've just met in rehab and your new boyfriend is a crack addict and pimp then it may not be a good idea to rush excitedly home to mummy and gush undying love for your new found beau. Such relationships can provide awkward silences around the dinner table or crack pipe.
Likewise if you've fallen for an older married man with 3 kids or if you're a bloke and have fallen for the 'one' who happens to have 6 kids with 5 different fathers and lives on more benefits than a Jeremy Kyle audience do not expect gushing approval.
There are some relationships where the best time to introduce them to your new partner is at the wedding or visiting hours in her majesties jail. You will know the right time.
Getting together with the right person is difficult. Most parents (other than the weird ones who don't give a toss about their kids) worry their offspring will choose the right one. As I'm not a parent it is tough for me to identify, however it must be really worrying to see your child pick a complete moron you know is not right for them and hasn't got the brains they were born with. How can you tell your loved up kid they are dating a knobhead and the relationship is doomed to failure on the account their new partner is a total fuckhead?
I guess parents have to let their kids make their own mistakes. When you take the plunge and introduce your new love to your parents (or parent) it marks a sea change in the relationship. It's now getting official. Families are being introduced. You have moved well beyond being 'fuck buddies', through 'seeing each other' into the now 'going out' status and this, other than a Facebook status update of 'in a relationship' is the official stamp. Surely Facebook needs to provide more options though to it's status updates for the modern relationship - 'single' or 'in a relationship' is just too narrow.
It doesn't cater for people with commitment issues or the casual dater. It certainly doesn't suit the bullshitter who wants everyone to know he's still on the market but is keeping someone sweet just in case. 'In a fuckbuddy relationship but open to offers', or how about 'in a relationship but I'm a lying twat - inbox me!' or even 'Single - see my homepage. You'll know why - desperate'. Or the 'Would like to be in a relationship but have commitment issues but too scared to admit it to anyone so I will have to come up with a whole bunch of bollocks to make it seem acceptable that I'm a lying toad'. Or the female status 'Single Over 30 and clock ticking - PLEASE!!! I digress.
It's time to meet the parents. You can put it off no more. So settle back readers. Pour yourself a nice glass of milk. Kick off those laboutins or hush puppies and enjoy the Nick Evans Guide to meeting your partners parents. A Mans guide;
1 - Timing
Clearly as a man you don't want to hurry into anything. Despite constant hints let her do all the running on this. Do not dismiss it by any means but you can employ good old fashioned stalling tactics. Phrases such as 'I want us to do it when we're ready darling' and 'what's the hurry' can be useful. Never use other excuses like 'fuck that' or 'I can't meet then I'm busy playing snooker'. I suggest an appropriate time to wait before meeting the parents and seeing what your new partner will turn into when you see her mother should not be too early, but by the same token don't wait too long. 3 years is the average Man time to wait.
2 - Location
As a man you have no say in this. Obviously if you are loaded it is at a poncy restaurant which you will pay for in a vain attempt to impress the parents and buy their affections. Clearly they will see through your shallow and ultimately selfish actions and realise you are indeed a twat with a large flat. This will not work. You have to let her choose the location, venue and time. This is a big deal to her Men so you must support her, nurture her and make it as comfortable as possible for her. Therefore Gently suggest not to pick a Saturday or Sunday afternoon so it doesn't interfere with your sport however nobly say if she is going to pick this time ask her to choose somewhere with a Big Screen TV and Sky Sports. That way you are showing sensitivity and that you are thinking of her. She will definitely melt at your selfless actions and immediately give you a blozzer and bake you a cake. Guaranteed.
3 - Preparation
You want to be at your razor sharp best to make a good first impression so definitely drink heavily the night before. Your sparkling wit and humour as at it's best when slightly sizzled so make sure you have an all day session and really late night in advance. It's best to get to 10 or 11pm the previous night before tucking into the class A's. You know your too drunk and don't want to make a show of yourself and your new partner so in order to sober up for the next day and balance it out with a few lines of Peruvian's finest and perhaps some Ketamine. This will straighten you up. Once you get to 5am and the birds are singing you know you've over cooked it. That is when you face that cliffhanging decision. Rack up a few more and pull out an all nighter or try to grab some fit full sleep before walking into the unknown with the full tremors and chemical comedown. It's a tough choice. Either way you've fucked up and will spend the next 40 years being reminded of how much of a twat you really are.
4 - Gifts
It's always best to take gifts along to cushion the blow, soften them up and appear thoughtful and lovely. Most blokes will go for the safe option and pick something up from the Esso garage on the way. Here's a tip for you boys - A Ginsters Pasty for Dad and Tea Bags for Mum will not go down too well. Splash out a little, nobody likes a meany. These could be your future In Laws after all. Treat them. Buy some Oil & a Yorkie Bar for Dad, no synthetic shit though. Go for the Castrol GTX and some £2.99 carnations for Mum & a Galaxy. You can't fail then. They are bound to be bowled over.
5 - What to wear
Of course most men have the dress sense of a vagrant. Their idea of looking smart is taking off their dressing gown. You will have to up your game here Men. Obviously your woman will attempt to dress you. Dropping subtle hints all week in the lead up to it by pressing your shirts, asking if your suit is dry cleaned and buying you a tie. Ignore this. It is important you stamp your authority all over this one and show her you have style and can be decisive and thoughtful at important social occasions.
You have a number of looks you can rock. Obviously your favoured one is your natural habit called 'slob'. Dragging you out of your Tracksuit Bottoms or combats is like trying to get the US out of the middle East. Impossible. But for this occasion guys you will have to pull a gem out of the hat and go for gold.
Clearly a suit is too much, plus it's a weekend and nobody likes to wear a suit at the weekend. Only for weddings and then the jacket and tie comes off as soon as she's said 'I do'. No, for this occasion Men have to show they have made some effort whilst retaining some hint of informality and casual feel.
There is only one thing for it Men. You have to go with a Chino. It's inevitable to us all that at some point in our life we have to go Chino. It happens to us all at some stage and you know as soon as they go on, your coke snorting, hooker hiring, rock and roll days are over. Once you get in the chino and jumper combo, the one where your bird says 'you do look nice' - it's over. Kill yourself now. We have lost you forever.
6 - Punctuality
If you are meeting your girlfriend and parents at a venue or their house, it is important you turn up on time. Try not to stop into a boozer for a quick 'livener' on the way and turn up 2 hours late reeking of Stella. Punctuality is important on occasions like this. Remember Men this is a test of your responsibility so do not fuck up.
Being late is only acceptable under extreme circumstances or an act of God. Things such as Getting to the final of Fifa Soccer 2013 on the PS2 or a plague of locusts is acceptable. They will understand.
Alternatively if you are on your way and happen to bump into to Chas & Dave and they invite you for a pint, (as happened to a friend of mine) it would be criminal to turn them down. Rolling up 4 hours late slightly drunk singing 'you've got more Rabbit than Sainsbury's" is perfectly acceptable on this occasion. You can even take Chas & Dave with you for a real show stopper.
7 - Conversation
This is always a tricky one. Clearly you have to conform to the social situation and tailor your chat accordingly. You must come across as calm, knowledgeable, sensible and interesting. After all they are entrusting you with their daughter and you must prove she is in good hands.
Try to stay on safe ground initially with the father like what road directions you took to get there. This is safe 'Man talk'. Stick to the MAIN ROADS. Don't be too flashy and talk about back roads and short cuts you are just showing off then and NEVER EVER admit to using a Sat Nav. This will immediately put them off you. You must earn the fathers respect. Other Man subjects such as cars, Gardening, Sport, DIY, Booze & Top Gear are acceptable. Try not to veer into politics or extreme right wing views. This will result in argument and fighting with her father. Save that for the wedding day.
Immediately compliment the mother. Saying things like 'Now I know where your daughter gets her beauty'. This will earn you immediate charm points. Never ever say the truth that is in your head, when alarm bells are going off as you see the vision of your girlfriend in front of you in 30 years time. These thoughts are to remain firmly locked in your head. No matter how many pints you drink NEVER let them out.
Keep the conversation light and varied. let them do most of the work. Try not to crack too many inappropriate jokes, hog the conversation, talk about yourself too much or express sympathy for the EDL. Any admissions of severe alcohol or drug dependency is best kept to yourself at this point, as is any criminal record, past infidelities and issues with commitment. Save these for the 2nd meeting.
When you do excuse yourself from the dinner table for the loo, NEVER come back and say 'that was a monster, I'd leave it 10 minutes if I was you".
8 - 1st impressions & Etiquette
Remember these people could be in your life for the next 40 years so 1st impressions will help to form the relationship. Always look them in the eye, check you don't have piss stains on your chinos & try not to man handle their daughter. Tongue kissing is not advised at this point or any reference to your BDSM sado masochistic games you've recently got her into.
Instead be calm, quiet and do not in any circumstance suggest a round of Tequila chasers after lunch. It is advisable to switch your phone off, so you are not constantly checking it at the table, or if SKY Sports is on in the background try not to excuse yourself mid conversation to go and watch Rochdale v Doncaster in the Johnstones Paint Trophy regional Semi final. Sky Plus It.
Try to be present, accessible and respectful. Do not get drunk in any way unless of course her father is a hopeless alcoholic. In which case your on a winner as no matter how badly you behave you will always be in shadows.
Always be attentive to your girlfriend. Sit next to her, support her, put her at ease, hold her hand, laugh at her jokes but NEVER EVER try to finger her under the table. This is not the right time. At least wait until coffee.
Try to ask as many questions as possible of your girlfriends past, history, upbringing and glean as much information as possible so you can piece together why she's so neurotic and ultra touchy. This will come in handy in later arguments. Remember Men this is a reconnaissance mission. Use it wisely.
9 - Success or Failure
It is in Man's favour for the meeting to go well. If it does your are virtually guaranteed anal that evening. Do not fuck it up. If it goes badly you can kiss goodbye to any 'rough and tumble' for a few days/weeks and you will have to resort to the tried and tested old back copies of Heat Magazine. The pressure's on boys - you must deliver
10 - Your Future
If she breaks off the relationship you know it didn't go well. She wasn't right for you and you should immediately move in with Chas & Dave. On the other hand if it does go well and your relationship blooms, well done. You have clearly mastered the art of bullshit and they are yet to find you out for the selfish, self centred thoughtless slob you really are. Let that come out after several years of marriage. By that stage it will be too late. Well done Men you have passed with flying colours. Back to the Playstation 2. You can leave that creosoting the fence to your future Father in Law.
If you haven't yet met your girlfriend's parents, do the opposite of above and you will be fine. Do at least 2 of the above and you can kiss goodbye to her forever. Do all 10 and it is clear you will be single forever. Good luck men. Do your worst.
The End
The Nick Evans
You've just got into a relationship. You're happy. Everything is sweetness and light. The sun always seems to shine. Birds tweet optimistically. Traffic parts. Even annoying people seem less so. All is well with the world.
You date for a few weeks. Things go well. She doesn't seem to mind your annoying habits, She doesn't complain about you eating like a rabid dog, merely smiling sweetly at the food you get around your mouth rather than in it. She smiles sweetly when you don't listen and speak over her. She doesn't even seem to mind the little bits of pee you dribble on your trousers when you nip off for a quick 'piss' after dinner. YET. Sometimes she even lets you mount her, so the time is right to meet the parents. Clearly she's a keeper.
This is a marker in the sand for any new relationship. It moves it to the next level. Of course some relationships don't need parental approval. Clearly if you've just met in rehab and your new boyfriend is a crack addict and pimp then it may not be a good idea to rush excitedly home to mummy and gush undying love for your new found beau. Such relationships can provide awkward silences around the dinner table or crack pipe.
Likewise if you've fallen for an older married man with 3 kids or if you're a bloke and have fallen for the 'one' who happens to have 6 kids with 5 different fathers and lives on more benefits than a Jeremy Kyle audience do not expect gushing approval.
There are some relationships where the best time to introduce them to your new partner is at the wedding or visiting hours in her majesties jail. You will know the right time.
Getting together with the right person is difficult. Most parents (other than the weird ones who don't give a toss about their kids) worry their offspring will choose the right one. As I'm not a parent it is tough for me to identify, however it must be really worrying to see your child pick a complete moron you know is not right for them and hasn't got the brains they were born with. How can you tell your loved up kid they are dating a knobhead and the relationship is doomed to failure on the account their new partner is a total fuckhead?
I guess parents have to let their kids make their own mistakes. When you take the plunge and introduce your new love to your parents (or parent) it marks a sea change in the relationship. It's now getting official. Families are being introduced. You have moved well beyond being 'fuck buddies', through 'seeing each other' into the now 'going out' status and this, other than a Facebook status update of 'in a relationship' is the official stamp. Surely Facebook needs to provide more options though to it's status updates for the modern relationship - 'single' or 'in a relationship' is just too narrow.
It doesn't cater for people with commitment issues or the casual dater. It certainly doesn't suit the bullshitter who wants everyone to know he's still on the market but is keeping someone sweet just in case. 'In a fuckbuddy relationship but open to offers', or how about 'in a relationship but I'm a lying twat - inbox me!' or even 'Single - see my homepage. You'll know why - desperate'. Or the 'Would like to be in a relationship but have commitment issues but too scared to admit it to anyone so I will have to come up with a whole bunch of bollocks to make it seem acceptable that I'm a lying toad'. Or the female status 'Single Over 30 and clock ticking - PLEASE!!! I digress.
It's time to meet the parents. You can put it off no more. So settle back readers. Pour yourself a nice glass of milk. Kick off those laboutins or hush puppies and enjoy the Nick Evans Guide to meeting your partners parents. A Mans guide;
1 - Timing
Clearly as a man you don't want to hurry into anything. Despite constant hints let her do all the running on this. Do not dismiss it by any means but you can employ good old fashioned stalling tactics. Phrases such as 'I want us to do it when we're ready darling' and 'what's the hurry' can be useful. Never use other excuses like 'fuck that' or 'I can't meet then I'm busy playing snooker'. I suggest an appropriate time to wait before meeting the parents and seeing what your new partner will turn into when you see her mother should not be too early, but by the same token don't wait too long. 3 years is the average Man time to wait.
2 - Location
As a man you have no say in this. Obviously if you are loaded it is at a poncy restaurant which you will pay for in a vain attempt to impress the parents and buy their affections. Clearly they will see through your shallow and ultimately selfish actions and realise you are indeed a twat with a large flat. This will not work. You have to let her choose the location, venue and time. This is a big deal to her Men so you must support her, nurture her and make it as comfortable as possible for her. Therefore Gently suggest not to pick a Saturday or Sunday afternoon so it doesn't interfere with your sport however nobly say if she is going to pick this time ask her to choose somewhere with a Big Screen TV and Sky Sports. That way you are showing sensitivity and that you are thinking of her. She will definitely melt at your selfless actions and immediately give you a blozzer and bake you a cake. Guaranteed.
3 - Preparation
You want to be at your razor sharp best to make a good first impression so definitely drink heavily the night before. Your sparkling wit and humour as at it's best when slightly sizzled so make sure you have an all day session and really late night in advance. It's best to get to 10 or 11pm the previous night before tucking into the class A's. You know your too drunk and don't want to make a show of yourself and your new partner so in order to sober up for the next day and balance it out with a few lines of Peruvian's finest and perhaps some Ketamine. This will straighten you up. Once you get to 5am and the birds are singing you know you've over cooked it. That is when you face that cliffhanging decision. Rack up a few more and pull out an all nighter or try to grab some fit full sleep before walking into the unknown with the full tremors and chemical comedown. It's a tough choice. Either way you've fucked up and will spend the next 40 years being reminded of how much of a twat you really are.
4 - Gifts
It's always best to take gifts along to cushion the blow, soften them up and appear thoughtful and lovely. Most blokes will go for the safe option and pick something up from the Esso garage on the way. Here's a tip for you boys - A Ginsters Pasty for Dad and Tea Bags for Mum will not go down too well. Splash out a little, nobody likes a meany. These could be your future In Laws after all. Treat them. Buy some Oil & a Yorkie Bar for Dad, no synthetic shit though. Go for the Castrol GTX and some £2.99 carnations for Mum & a Galaxy. You can't fail then. They are bound to be bowled over.
5 - What to wear
Of course most men have the dress sense of a vagrant. Their idea of looking smart is taking off their dressing gown. You will have to up your game here Men. Obviously your woman will attempt to dress you. Dropping subtle hints all week in the lead up to it by pressing your shirts, asking if your suit is dry cleaned and buying you a tie. Ignore this. It is important you stamp your authority all over this one and show her you have style and can be decisive and thoughtful at important social occasions.
You have a number of looks you can rock. Obviously your favoured one is your natural habit called 'slob'. Dragging you out of your Tracksuit Bottoms or combats is like trying to get the US out of the middle East. Impossible. But for this occasion guys you will have to pull a gem out of the hat and go for gold.
Clearly a suit is too much, plus it's a weekend and nobody likes to wear a suit at the weekend. Only for weddings and then the jacket and tie comes off as soon as she's said 'I do'. No, for this occasion Men have to show they have made some effort whilst retaining some hint of informality and casual feel.
There is only one thing for it Men. You have to go with a Chino. It's inevitable to us all that at some point in our life we have to go Chino. It happens to us all at some stage and you know as soon as they go on, your coke snorting, hooker hiring, rock and roll days are over. Once you get in the chino and jumper combo, the one where your bird says 'you do look nice' - it's over. Kill yourself now. We have lost you forever.
6 - Punctuality
If you are meeting your girlfriend and parents at a venue or their house, it is important you turn up on time. Try not to stop into a boozer for a quick 'livener' on the way and turn up 2 hours late reeking of Stella. Punctuality is important on occasions like this. Remember Men this is a test of your responsibility so do not fuck up.
Being late is only acceptable under extreme circumstances or an act of God. Things such as Getting to the final of Fifa Soccer 2013 on the PS2 or a plague of locusts is acceptable. They will understand.
Alternatively if you are on your way and happen to bump into to Chas & Dave and they invite you for a pint, (as happened to a friend of mine) it would be criminal to turn them down. Rolling up 4 hours late slightly drunk singing 'you've got more Rabbit than Sainsbury's" is perfectly acceptable on this occasion. You can even take Chas & Dave with you for a real show stopper.
7 - Conversation
This is always a tricky one. Clearly you have to conform to the social situation and tailor your chat accordingly. You must come across as calm, knowledgeable, sensible and interesting. After all they are entrusting you with their daughter and you must prove she is in good hands.
Try to stay on safe ground initially with the father like what road directions you took to get there. This is safe 'Man talk'. Stick to the MAIN ROADS. Don't be too flashy and talk about back roads and short cuts you are just showing off then and NEVER EVER admit to using a Sat Nav. This will immediately put them off you. You must earn the fathers respect. Other Man subjects such as cars, Gardening, Sport, DIY, Booze & Top Gear are acceptable. Try not to veer into politics or extreme right wing views. This will result in argument and fighting with her father. Save that for the wedding day.
Immediately compliment the mother. Saying things like 'Now I know where your daughter gets her beauty'. This will earn you immediate charm points. Never ever say the truth that is in your head, when alarm bells are going off as you see the vision of your girlfriend in front of you in 30 years time. These thoughts are to remain firmly locked in your head. No matter how many pints you drink NEVER let them out.
Keep the conversation light and varied. let them do most of the work. Try not to crack too many inappropriate jokes, hog the conversation, talk about yourself too much or express sympathy for the EDL. Any admissions of severe alcohol or drug dependency is best kept to yourself at this point, as is any criminal record, past infidelities and issues with commitment. Save these for the 2nd meeting.
When you do excuse yourself from the dinner table for the loo, NEVER come back and say 'that was a monster, I'd leave it 10 minutes if I was you".
8 - 1st impressions & Etiquette
Remember these people could be in your life for the next 40 years so 1st impressions will help to form the relationship. Always look them in the eye, check you don't have piss stains on your chinos & try not to man handle their daughter. Tongue kissing is not advised at this point or any reference to your BDSM sado masochistic games you've recently got her into.
Instead be calm, quiet and do not in any circumstance suggest a round of Tequila chasers after lunch. It is advisable to switch your phone off, so you are not constantly checking it at the table, or if SKY Sports is on in the background try not to excuse yourself mid conversation to go and watch Rochdale v Doncaster in the Johnstones Paint Trophy regional Semi final. Sky Plus It.
Try to be present, accessible and respectful. Do not get drunk in any way unless of course her father is a hopeless alcoholic. In which case your on a winner as no matter how badly you behave you will always be in shadows.
Always be attentive to your girlfriend. Sit next to her, support her, put her at ease, hold her hand, laugh at her jokes but NEVER EVER try to finger her under the table. This is not the right time. At least wait until coffee.
Try to ask as many questions as possible of your girlfriends past, history, upbringing and glean as much information as possible so you can piece together why she's so neurotic and ultra touchy. This will come in handy in later arguments. Remember Men this is a reconnaissance mission. Use it wisely.
9 - Success or Failure
It is in Man's favour for the meeting to go well. If it does your are virtually guaranteed anal that evening. Do not fuck it up. If it goes badly you can kiss goodbye to any 'rough and tumble' for a few days/weeks and you will have to resort to the tried and tested old back copies of Heat Magazine. The pressure's on boys - you must deliver
10 - Your Future
If she breaks off the relationship you know it didn't go well. She wasn't right for you and you should immediately move in with Chas & Dave. On the other hand if it does go well and your relationship blooms, well done. You have clearly mastered the art of bullshit and they are yet to find you out for the selfish, self centred thoughtless slob you really are. Let that come out after several years of marriage. By that stage it will be too late. Well done Men you have passed with flying colours. Back to the Playstation 2. You can leave that creosoting the fence to your future Father in Law.
If you haven't yet met your girlfriend's parents, do the opposite of above and you will be fine. Do at least 2 of the above and you can kiss goodbye to her forever. Do all 10 and it is clear you will be single forever. Good luck men. Do your worst.
The End
The Nick Evans
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The Nick Evans Guide to White Van Man
The Nick Evans Top Ten Tips to being a White Van Man
Yesterday I helped a friend move. It involved hiring a tranny (we've all been there boys) although this Tranny was a lot cheaper and more economical than previous ones I've hired. For a start this one was a white van.
Now hiring a tranny is difficult. You have to choose the right one and make sure it's of sufficient quality to carry a heavy load. Luckily we got the right one. £40 for a day and use it as much as you like. A real bargain.
We hired it from Kendals, although sadly it didn't come with free Mint Cake (despite my hourly updates on that particular joke my mate didn't actually laugh at it all day) but it did come with the 3 seat cab, drinks holders, long gear stick and when the guy got it ready for collection. He looked over at us, threw us the keys and said 'this is your little kitty kat for the day'. This revealed a great insight behind men's attitude to a white van.
Something strange happens to men when they get in a big white van and drive in it for the day. It grabs hold of the male psyche and turns you into something your not when you drive a normal car. It reminds me of my touring days when I spent 3 years driving a van around the UK on comedy tours. It is legendary and so I'd like to welcome you readers to my Mans Guide To driving a White van. It will deal with etiquette, attitude, rules, regulations, behaviour and of course Male pride. It's all in here, so settle back, relax, grab yourself a Kitty Kat, put down Exchange & Mart and enjoy 'The Nick Evans Guide to Driving a White Van';
1 - Preparation of Male Pride
Everyone knows Men are born to drive. It's in our nature. Nobody trusts a man who doesn't drive. Even men who cannot drive, drive. It's more important to men to be a good driver than it is to be a good husband or father. As long as you know the way to Cambridge along the A11 then your OK.
Every man worth his salt knows the true test of masculinity is not in providing for your family, treating your woman like a queen or being top dog. It's knowing your way around the country on the back roads and NEVER using maps or Sat Navs. That is just failure. Men would rather drive around for 3 hours lost then ask someone for help. White Van man will never use Sat Nav, maps, ask anyone for direction or admit they are wrong when lost.
Be prepared for your whole ego, personality and outlook to change once you enter into the cab of a white van, perhaps it's being slightly raised in height above all the other car drivers. However, entering into a white van effectively makes a man feel utterly superior to every other person in the world even if his IQ is single figures and he struggles to spell the word 'twat' let alone understand it. Be prepared for it Men.
2 - Pecking Order
White Van men know the pecking order on the roads. The lowest is pedestrian. An irritant in the way at zebra crossings or traffic lights. For the white van man, these are otherwise known as 'roadkill'.
The next are cyclists, or as white van men like to call them 'target practice'. Yes we know Bradley Wiggins won gold in the Olympics doing it, it helps fight obesity and is good for the enviroment but White Van Men generally hate these morally superior 2 wheeled wankers. Especially when they converge on them at traffic lights in rush hour clad in neon clothing and lycra, disrupting valuable smoking time with arm out of the window.
Next in line are car drivers. These can be split into females, females with sports cars, females on school run, men who can't drive, real men cars, and of course the top of the tree Men with massively unnecessary cars who are merely making up for their empty lives and lack of self esteem and cock size by having a showy car that screams 'Look at me'. Trouble is everyone does look at them and think, 'twat'.
Up next of course is White Vans. There are several kinds. Small estate vans, (these do not count as they are effectively long cars, the same height as a car so white van man doesn't hold them in the same respect) then you get into proper White Van territory with Tranny or a Sprinter, High cabs, 3 seats, long gear stick and endless room behind the seats to pile up your empties and pasty wrappers. Finally there are the Luton Van drivers. They think they are the bomb. They are not they are Merely HGV wannabes. These are the lowest. Watch out for these wankers.
Then you have the mini bus drivers. Usually failed coach drivers or paedophiles.
Then you actually have Coach and bus drivers. Usually these are middle aged obese men with comb overs who smoke roll ups and wear their trousers underneath their guts. These are salt of the earth men who think dieting is not putting salt on their chips.
Finally the highest in the pecking order is reached. The Lorry Driver. Men driving enormous cabs decorated with scantily clad women and their football team colours. These are the real kings of the the road jungle. They will of course endlessly talk about 'carrying a heavy load' and mix a liberal amount of sexism in with a slight glint of homophobia and racism, but that is expected.
They will usually drive their cab in their pants in the summer and nearly always have heavy skids. Their ego is larger than the Load they are carrying although they will usually live in a semi detached in Kings Lynn and be at least 3 stone overweight. Be careful girls you will invariably bump into these lardy ego maniacs at swinging clubs.
3 - Uniform
To be a white van driver, even for the day you have to look the part. Therefore you must immediately nip down to your local Sports Direct and kit yourself out head to toe in Lonsdale or any alternative cheap sportswear. The clothing must be ultra tight around the gut region and any trousers worn must show at least 2 inches of bum crack.
The look white van man must go for is exactly as Martin Amis once coined 'dressed for the track but built for the pub'. Smart wear or any hint of individual style is frowned upon by White van man and anyone wearing anything slightly weird is immediately shot down as 'queer'.
You may complete the look with some kind of double earring, a spider gel fringe, tattoo up the arm and neck and of course ill fitting sun glasses from TK max. You are now ready to own the road. Proceed.
4 - Etiquette
Once you are in your white van etiquette is crucial. Clearing your throat for the days road rage is important. You must get your larynx nice and lubricated with endless mugs of tea so that you are able to shout 'wanker', 'twat' and 'knobhead' loudly all day long.
Also you must keep your fingers nice and subtle so you can flick people the V and curl up your hand for 'wanker' signal several times.
Keep your neck loose so you can shake it at female drivers to inform them of your complete disdain of their driving skills.
The usual road etiquette for white van men is NEVER let anyone out, always weave in and out of traffic, rev your engine higher than Jenson Button on the grid, always have your window down and look disdainfully at anyone pulling up next to you, park across 2 lanes so nobody can overtake or undertake you, always drive too close to cyclists and most importantly drive too quickly everywhere.
5 - Inside the Cab
The cab is your domain. Your throne to sit up on high and look down on the world (well the road anyway). Any van driver worth his salt will know it has to be littered with empty coke cans, pasty wrappers, half eaten bags of crisps, scotch eggs, fag packets, well thumbed copies of The Sun or Daily Star and the occasional mucky mag (old school)
Any white van man who introduces salad, water, organic produce, The Guardian or any other form of literature than ones that have tits on it is immediately struck off the list of Van drivers and will live in penance for ever more (Or Cheam)
The Cab is a haven of white van man and should be adorned as such.
If you have a drivers mate, conversation should stretch no further than 'pass me the pasty' or 'look at the jugs on that'. Any further conversation should last for no longer than 2 minutes and be controlled to white van man subjects like football, asylum seekers and beer.
Subjects like feelings, emotions, politics, women, insecurities, fear, sex are strictly off limits and will result in an instant white van man ban and 3 points.
6 - Diet
To be a white van man It's important to get the diet right. Your day should start off with a nice mug of tea and 5 rothmans. Then you must of course stop off at the café for a full English. Throughout the day graze on crisps, pasties, scotch eggs, cokes and more Rothmans. Lunchtime is time to enjoy a picnic in your cab, Perhaps push the boat out and grab a KFC or Macdonalds. Always eat it whilst staring out at passers by and comment disparagingly at all of them.
Once done either stuff the empties behind the seat or throw out of the window. Then in the afternoon repeat the morning snacking until when you reach the end of the day you have done 10,000 calories and have to be winched out of the cab by a crane.
White van man is oblivious to things like heart disease, obesity and healthy living. Their Healthy option range is smoking silk cut. All good white van men think healthy is for 'mincers'.
7 - Attitude
It's important to have a healthy attitude in the cab, Therefore sprinkling a little racism with sexism and homophobia is encouraged. You may listen occasionally to LBC and get irate at all the 'fucking liberals calling up'. You may express sympathy to the English Defence League and most certainly pin the blame at the countries demise at illegal immigrants and other such like. Women should be viewed with a mixture of fear and disdain. Any white van man worth his salt will understand fuck all of women and get every relationship completely wrong whilst believing 'she's lucky to have me'.
8 - End of the day
Once you have been sat down all day, doing fuck all, complaining at the entire world, feeling superior, eating, drinking, smoking and generally spilling hate and bile upon the world. You have earned your night off. So what does white van man do to celebrate the end of the day?
Go home and spend time with their woman? Nah of course not, you must go down the pub, sit down all night, do fuck all, eat, drink and smoke and spread bile and hatred of the world - basically take the Cab to the pub. You have earned it.
9 - Spirituality
White van man is very fond of the spirit world. Especially near to closing time when he gets on the Jaegerbombs,
10 - Resting Up
Once you have completed your day, driven home from the pub drunk. You are ready to crash. Therefore you have to park your van for the night outside your house. Except you don't. Try to park it right in front of a neighbours, blocking their light and of course their drive ways so they cannot get out.
Your van is a status symbol. It is a bastion of Bloke ego. It is effectively saying to your neighbours 'fuck you. I drive a van and I'm a bloke so you can fucking fucking well fuck off. I'm the daddy of this neighbourhood' - It's definitely not any kind of signal for others to think 'knobhead'
Of course it is time to rest that weary body. Your throat is dry from talking shit and smoking. Your hands hurt from the endless wanker signals. Your belly is full from the mountains of shit you've eaten and the gel is drying from your spider fringe making you look like someone had just cum on your forehead.
It is time for sleep white van man. Tomorrow is another day. what fun awaits. The world can hardly wait to hear your wisdom and interesting worldly views. Thank god for white van man
The end
The Nick Evans
Yesterday I helped a friend move. It involved hiring a tranny (we've all been there boys) although this Tranny was a lot cheaper and more economical than previous ones I've hired. For a start this one was a white van.
Now hiring a tranny is difficult. You have to choose the right one and make sure it's of sufficient quality to carry a heavy load. Luckily we got the right one. £40 for a day and use it as much as you like. A real bargain.
We hired it from Kendals, although sadly it didn't come with free Mint Cake (despite my hourly updates on that particular joke my mate didn't actually laugh at it all day) but it did come with the 3 seat cab, drinks holders, long gear stick and when the guy got it ready for collection. He looked over at us, threw us the keys and said 'this is your little kitty kat for the day'. This revealed a great insight behind men's attitude to a white van.
Something strange happens to men when they get in a big white van and drive in it for the day. It grabs hold of the male psyche and turns you into something your not when you drive a normal car. It reminds me of my touring days when I spent 3 years driving a van around the UK on comedy tours. It is legendary and so I'd like to welcome you readers to my Mans Guide To driving a White van. It will deal with etiquette, attitude, rules, regulations, behaviour and of course Male pride. It's all in here, so settle back, relax, grab yourself a Kitty Kat, put down Exchange & Mart and enjoy 'The Nick Evans Guide to Driving a White Van';
1 - Preparation of Male Pride
Everyone knows Men are born to drive. It's in our nature. Nobody trusts a man who doesn't drive. Even men who cannot drive, drive. It's more important to men to be a good driver than it is to be a good husband or father. As long as you know the way to Cambridge along the A11 then your OK.
Every man worth his salt knows the true test of masculinity is not in providing for your family, treating your woman like a queen or being top dog. It's knowing your way around the country on the back roads and NEVER using maps or Sat Navs. That is just failure. Men would rather drive around for 3 hours lost then ask someone for help. White Van man will never use Sat Nav, maps, ask anyone for direction or admit they are wrong when lost.
Be prepared for your whole ego, personality and outlook to change once you enter into the cab of a white van, perhaps it's being slightly raised in height above all the other car drivers. However, entering into a white van effectively makes a man feel utterly superior to every other person in the world even if his IQ is single figures and he struggles to spell the word 'twat' let alone understand it. Be prepared for it Men.
2 - Pecking Order
White Van men know the pecking order on the roads. The lowest is pedestrian. An irritant in the way at zebra crossings or traffic lights. For the white van man, these are otherwise known as 'roadkill'.
The next are cyclists, or as white van men like to call them 'target practice'. Yes we know Bradley Wiggins won gold in the Olympics doing it, it helps fight obesity and is good for the enviroment but White Van Men generally hate these morally superior 2 wheeled wankers. Especially when they converge on them at traffic lights in rush hour clad in neon clothing and lycra, disrupting valuable smoking time with arm out of the window.
Next in line are car drivers. These can be split into females, females with sports cars, females on school run, men who can't drive, real men cars, and of course the top of the tree Men with massively unnecessary cars who are merely making up for their empty lives and lack of self esteem and cock size by having a showy car that screams 'Look at me'. Trouble is everyone does look at them and think, 'twat'.
Up next of course is White Vans. There are several kinds. Small estate vans, (these do not count as they are effectively long cars, the same height as a car so white van man doesn't hold them in the same respect) then you get into proper White Van territory with Tranny or a Sprinter, High cabs, 3 seats, long gear stick and endless room behind the seats to pile up your empties and pasty wrappers. Finally there are the Luton Van drivers. They think they are the bomb. They are not they are Merely HGV wannabes. These are the lowest. Watch out for these wankers.
Then you have the mini bus drivers. Usually failed coach drivers or paedophiles.
Then you actually have Coach and bus drivers. Usually these are middle aged obese men with comb overs who smoke roll ups and wear their trousers underneath their guts. These are salt of the earth men who think dieting is not putting salt on their chips.
Finally the highest in the pecking order is reached. The Lorry Driver. Men driving enormous cabs decorated with scantily clad women and their football team colours. These are the real kings of the the road jungle. They will of course endlessly talk about 'carrying a heavy load' and mix a liberal amount of sexism in with a slight glint of homophobia and racism, but that is expected.
They will usually drive their cab in their pants in the summer and nearly always have heavy skids. Their ego is larger than the Load they are carrying although they will usually live in a semi detached in Kings Lynn and be at least 3 stone overweight. Be careful girls you will invariably bump into these lardy ego maniacs at swinging clubs.
3 - Uniform
To be a white van driver, even for the day you have to look the part. Therefore you must immediately nip down to your local Sports Direct and kit yourself out head to toe in Lonsdale or any alternative cheap sportswear. The clothing must be ultra tight around the gut region and any trousers worn must show at least 2 inches of bum crack.
The look white van man must go for is exactly as Martin Amis once coined 'dressed for the track but built for the pub'. Smart wear or any hint of individual style is frowned upon by White van man and anyone wearing anything slightly weird is immediately shot down as 'queer'.
You may complete the look with some kind of double earring, a spider gel fringe, tattoo up the arm and neck and of course ill fitting sun glasses from TK max. You are now ready to own the road. Proceed.
4 - Etiquette
Once you are in your white van etiquette is crucial. Clearing your throat for the days road rage is important. You must get your larynx nice and lubricated with endless mugs of tea so that you are able to shout 'wanker', 'twat' and 'knobhead' loudly all day long.
Also you must keep your fingers nice and subtle so you can flick people the V and curl up your hand for 'wanker' signal several times.
Keep your neck loose so you can shake it at female drivers to inform them of your complete disdain of their driving skills.
The usual road etiquette for white van men is NEVER let anyone out, always weave in and out of traffic, rev your engine higher than Jenson Button on the grid, always have your window down and look disdainfully at anyone pulling up next to you, park across 2 lanes so nobody can overtake or undertake you, always drive too close to cyclists and most importantly drive too quickly everywhere.
5 - Inside the Cab
The cab is your domain. Your throne to sit up on high and look down on the world (well the road anyway). Any van driver worth his salt will know it has to be littered with empty coke cans, pasty wrappers, half eaten bags of crisps, scotch eggs, fag packets, well thumbed copies of The Sun or Daily Star and the occasional mucky mag (old school)
Any white van man who introduces salad, water, organic produce, The Guardian or any other form of literature than ones that have tits on it is immediately struck off the list of Van drivers and will live in penance for ever more (Or Cheam)
The Cab is a haven of white van man and should be adorned as such.
If you have a drivers mate, conversation should stretch no further than 'pass me the pasty' or 'look at the jugs on that'. Any further conversation should last for no longer than 2 minutes and be controlled to white van man subjects like football, asylum seekers and beer.
Subjects like feelings, emotions, politics, women, insecurities, fear, sex are strictly off limits and will result in an instant white van man ban and 3 points.
6 - Diet
To be a white van man It's important to get the diet right. Your day should start off with a nice mug of tea and 5 rothmans. Then you must of course stop off at the café for a full English. Throughout the day graze on crisps, pasties, scotch eggs, cokes and more Rothmans. Lunchtime is time to enjoy a picnic in your cab, Perhaps push the boat out and grab a KFC or Macdonalds. Always eat it whilst staring out at passers by and comment disparagingly at all of them.
Once done either stuff the empties behind the seat or throw out of the window. Then in the afternoon repeat the morning snacking until when you reach the end of the day you have done 10,000 calories and have to be winched out of the cab by a crane.
White van man is oblivious to things like heart disease, obesity and healthy living. Their Healthy option range is smoking silk cut. All good white van men think healthy is for 'mincers'.
7 - Attitude
It's important to have a healthy attitude in the cab, Therefore sprinkling a little racism with sexism and homophobia is encouraged. You may listen occasionally to LBC and get irate at all the 'fucking liberals calling up'. You may express sympathy to the English Defence League and most certainly pin the blame at the countries demise at illegal immigrants and other such like. Women should be viewed with a mixture of fear and disdain. Any white van man worth his salt will understand fuck all of women and get every relationship completely wrong whilst believing 'she's lucky to have me'.
8 - End of the day
Once you have been sat down all day, doing fuck all, complaining at the entire world, feeling superior, eating, drinking, smoking and generally spilling hate and bile upon the world. You have earned your night off. So what does white van man do to celebrate the end of the day?
Go home and spend time with their woman? Nah of course not, you must go down the pub, sit down all night, do fuck all, eat, drink and smoke and spread bile and hatred of the world - basically take the Cab to the pub. You have earned it.
9 - Spirituality
White van man is very fond of the spirit world. Especially near to closing time when he gets on the Jaegerbombs,
10 - Resting Up
Once you have completed your day, driven home from the pub drunk. You are ready to crash. Therefore you have to park your van for the night outside your house. Except you don't. Try to park it right in front of a neighbours, blocking their light and of course their drive ways so they cannot get out.
Your van is a status symbol. It is a bastion of Bloke ego. It is effectively saying to your neighbours 'fuck you. I drive a van and I'm a bloke so you can fucking fucking well fuck off. I'm the daddy of this neighbourhood' - It's definitely not any kind of signal for others to think 'knobhead'
Of course it is time to rest that weary body. Your throat is dry from talking shit and smoking. Your hands hurt from the endless wanker signals. Your belly is full from the mountains of shit you've eaten and the gel is drying from your spider fringe making you look like someone had just cum on your forehead.
It is time for sleep white van man. Tomorrow is another day. what fun awaits. The world can hardly wait to hear your wisdom and interesting worldly views. Thank god for white van man
The end
The Nick Evans
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