I woke this morning with the grump-o-meter set to maximum. I'm not sure what happened whilst I was asleep. I was in a reasonable mood when I went to bed. Maybe the misery fairies pissed in my mouth overnight because I woke up in a right howler. My first thought upon awakening was not, 'Oh great it's a Saturday I wonder what I can do.' My first thought was, 'Fucking girlfriend's bed is too soft".
Great start to the day. Miserable fucker.
I felt ill, tired, lethargic, my back hurt, neck was still cricked and I was moody. It was 7.30am. I had 30 minutes to do my morning routine before heading off to a meeting. Not enough time. Fuck. I got up too late.
When I feel bad it's perfectly natural for me to go straight to anger, judgment, criticism, hostility and grouch. It's everyone else's fault and they can fucking well have it.
Clearly it was my girlfriend's fault for not getting me up. I got up, resentment almost multiplying by the second like a bacteria. She sleeps in too late, her bed is too soft. Her house hasn't enough carpet for me to do my stretching on. I mean the poor girl was fast asleep and I was already blaming her for everything.
I went downstairs and made a cup of tea. I couldn't even be arsed to stretch or pray. Meditating could fuck right off this morning. I didn't have enough time and this head was like a hand grenade. No the whole day was fucked I decided. It was 7.41am.
I read a Facebook message from the person who shared with me yesterday saying I had mis-understood their message and wrote about it yesterday. I felt bad and guilty, but in this state I jumped straight to anger. It's their fault too. They can fucking have it.
I let the dog out for a piss but he didn't want to come back in. He was doing it on purpose. Didn't he know I was in a hurry. Fuck sake. The dog could have it.
I collected my stuff and felt a burning resentment for having to haul loads of stuff over to my girlfriends for a 2 day stay. Why do I need so much fucking stuff. I can fucking have it too whilst I'm at it and the sodding luggage.
I packed quickly, dumped the stuff in the car, got my girlfriend up in the process, had a quick moan about 'it being such a ball ache having to haul stuff around when I come over' and proceeded to sod off before she could open her eyes. Poor girl had just woken to a tornado of misery. A gentle start to the weekend it was not.
There was too much traffic on the road for 8am. Every red light was painted red. Don't these cunts know I need to be at the meeting at 8.30!!! Hurry the fuck up. Obviously when your head has gone every car goes slower on purpose, every light changes against you. The people on the road could have it.
I put on my chanting CD to try and find a connection with my higher power. Maybe he could help. He didn't. The CD had been scratched and it jumped like the singer had a stutter. 'Thanks Higher Power', I muttered, 'you cunt'. HO could have it.
There was only one thing for it. Heavy cigarette smoking. It doesn't fit with my attempt to change and live a healthy life but fuck it. I needed to smoke. 4 were crammed down in the 2 mile journey and I got to Chelsea & Westminster Hospital for the 8.30 meeting.
I needed caffeine, so I queued at the little Costa kiosk in the hospital. Big mistake. If anyone goes to that meeting they will know, the bloke on the kiosk is a serenity test every Saturday. He's slower than a slug on Valium. I swear dead people could serve quicker. There was a queue. I joined it. I knew it was risky but I thought I could handle it. What on earth was I thinking?
5 minutes went by and he managed to serve 1 person and that was only a herbal tea. "For fucks sake you've only got to put a tea bag in and hot water. How much cunting time do you need to take!!!", I thought. He could definitely fucking have it.
Several people came and went, a couple of women mumbled, 'fucking ridiculous' to themselves, making me feel a little better. Intolerance solidarity. I toughed it out for another 3 minutes before abandoning ship with a huge 'hurrumph' and headed to Starbucks. BOOM. No queue, straight in and out in 2 minutes flat (normal for a man).
I entered the meeting 5 minutes late and had to squeeze into a tiny seat. Late comers cannot moan about seating arrangements so you sit wherever you are put. If that cunt upstairs hadn't had taken so long I would have got a comfy padded chair with armrests and everything. He could definitely double have it now.
I listened to the main speaker and decided to myself he was a bull-shitter. A show off. He was dropping swear words in to make himself sound more 'street; than he actually was. I pulled his entire character and personality apart. I didn't like him, his face, his glasses, his nose, his moustache or what he said. He could definitely have it.
After he stopped speaking, others came and said, 'I love everything you shared'. They could all have it too. Somebody gave a really funny share, so he could have it on the account of being funnier than me this morning.
In the space of 90 minutes I managed to assassinate my girlfriend, her house, her dog, my luggage, everyone on the road, traffic lights, God, the bloke at Costa, everyone in the meeting, the main speaker and the entire world. Perhaps It was time to re-assess. There was one common theme to all of this. Me!!!
I decided to actually listen to what people were saying. Ironically enough the first thing I heard was, "I need to listen. Listening is humility. If I don't listen I'm just in my ego and my ego is the disease." Jackpot!! Hold the nudges. The Sheriff was in town!!!
That was the money shot right there and I realised I had been pointing the finger all morning. I had been sitting in judgment, blame and criticism in order to not look at myself. I had gone straight into 'old behaviour and thinking' without even thinking. It felt natural to me to be moody, grumpy and angry. I actually get a sick pleasure out of it sometimes. Thank god I didn't get picked to share. The old machine gun destruction sharing wouldn't have gone down very well.
I was reminded at that point of several phrases;
'If you've spot it you've got it.' That was certainly the case. I use swear words too much and sometimes try to portray myself as something I'm not.
'For every finger your pointing there's 3 pointing back'. Well I currently had around 4,567 pointing back in that moment.
Finally, 'There's either something you've done that you shouldn't or something you're not doing you should' - killer blow that one.
The truth of it is simple. I went out at 11.30pm last night and bought 2 massive tubs of ice cream and chocolate. Wolfing most of it down like a rabid dog, just before bed. After a 15 minute sugar energy spike, I had a huge crash and promptly fell asleep on my GF's lap. She woke me, which pissed me off and told me to go to bed. I did. Immediately crashing out. No, 'goodnight darling', no, 'thanks for cooking me a lovely dinner.' Just a big old sugar crash lazy arsed zzzzzzzzzzzz. What a catch I am!!
No wonder I woke up feeling shit. A sugar hangover. Effectively rendering me like the Genghis Khan of East Putney. It's not exactly rocket science.
It was my responsibility. My fault. My choice. The interesting fact is I knew deep down it was but still went through the 2 hour charade of being a grumpy bastard & blaming others.
Luckily it was all in my head. I wasn't rude. I didn't snarl or pick or cause harm. It was all played out within the confines of my little brain. Why make life so utterly miserable for myself. It's self sabotage of the highest order.
I worked all that out in the meeting. The groove-o-meter was restored. Sanity returned and I once again became a human being again. Thanks AA. I owe you one.
It's simple stuff. Eat well. Look after yourself and don't blame others for being a stupid twat. I guess the Dalia Lama put it more poetically than I just did, but you catch my drift. I look forward to the onslaught of peace and joy.
Having said all that, the bloke on the Kiosk in Costa is genuinely the slowest man on earth. People have gone in and out of coma's In the time it takes him to make a skinny latte.
He's a great barometer for your spiritual condition though. On the days you wait patiently, clearly you've been running a good programme all week. On the days you want to burn his face off under the hot water tap and stab him in the neck with a stirrer. You clearly need less Hagen Dazzs and more meetings in your life.
I've learnt my lesson. See I told you this blog was about change!!!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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