Running your own business is a challenge. I commend anyone who does it, has tried, has succeeded or is thinking of doing it. It is a leap of faith. Scary. Exciting. Inspirational. Difficult.
If like me you have grown tired of working for yet another faceless corporate entity that cares little for your welfare or personal development then you are in the right place.
No longer do we want to put in 30 years service to get a carriage clock and a wet send off party. Most companies simply don't give a toss. It's about the bottom line and they will stop at nothing to fuck you over at the drop of a hat. That's business. It's fair enough. Just the way of the world. No point in railing against it. The only thing to do is action. That action is do something yourself. Run your own business.
Of course you can go down the one man band 'consultancy' route. Which is effectively a cop out. Relying on your personal bullshit skills lasting longer than the company employing your services finding out. A game of cat and mouse.
Then you can go down the 'franchise' route. Which again is effectively working for someone else with a fancy title. A safety net helping you do your own thing. This isn't really running your own business. It's effectively riding a bike but with stabilisers. Man up.
The real hard core inspiration launch something unique. Whether it be a service, a manufacturing thing, retail, IT, new idea, product or launch. Your own business is for the hard core and my respect is absolute.
This is what I'm attempting to do at the moment and it's hard. It's One thing having a good idea, totally another to make a business out of it. So I thought I would share with you my top ten tips for running your own business. So sit back, relax, put Sky + on pause, put down that Iphone, close the curtains, slip into your onsie and enjoy The Nick Evans Guide To Running Your Own business. If you are thinking of doing it, this guide may give you some handy hints;
1 - Conception
You have to start with an idea. Usually these come to you in the middle of the night surrounded by friends in the middle of a long and heavy drinking session. This is where all the best ideas come. Everyone knows that. The trick here is to write it down in a reasonably legible state so you can read it the next day. If you are drinking with teachers or doctors don't let them write it down as a monkey with no hands has better hand writing than them.
2 - Run it past an Expert.
Once you have remembered your idea, shaken off your hangover you are ready to proceed. Be sure to run your idea past a professional, or if you cannot find one, 'a bloke down the pub' will do. It is well known that 'bloke down the pub' is the oracle of all information and running a business idea past him is sound advice. Forget the fact he is kitted head to toe in Lonsdale clothing and is trying to sub a tenner from you until his Giro comes. He knows his onions on the business front and claims to have taught Richard Branson everything he knows. It must be true. Another Bloke down the pub said.
3 - Business Plan
To set up you need a plan. It's important to know where you are going, what you need to get there and how much you can earn from your business. Most new business' fail because of a lack of tight and clear planning. It's best to put together several concepts and ideas in your head and when someone asks you where your business plan is, merely tap the top of your head, smile arrogantly and say "it's all in these top 3 inches sunshine".
For the more undisciplined it is also good to write planning lists for what you need to do to make a plan. This is called a pre plan planning list. It is best to do this endlessly and bore the arse off anyone who will listen and say 'I need a plan' every day whilst avoiding doing one. In the end resort to saying 'Fuck it, lets play snooker. I'll do it tomorrow'.
4 - Start up
Any new business person worth their salt will of course spend endless hours, time and money and getting the uneccessaries right before anything else. This usually involves a fancy logo, stationary, website, twitter feed, office, mood lighting, sofas & most crucially business cards. These are crucial in the start up phase as you can then impress people with the fact you are running your own company. They don't actually know you haven't got any business, money, orders, plan, funding, idea of where your going but your name as 'owner' is on the business card so it makes you look good and that's the most important thing of course. Status.
5 - Funding
A massive part of any new business. Clearly you try to ponce off as many friends, family members and associates as possible. Blinding them with enthusiasm, bluster and bullshit but little in the way of hard facts and figures. This usually gives you a few months 'poncing' money grace before the cold hard reality of those boring things like 'cashflow', 'turnover' & 'sales' rear their head.
Don't worry about that now. That's for the future. Any good business person will tell you not to forecast 6 or 12 months into the future. Live for today and as long as you have enough money for the coffee machine you'll be OK.
If you need to see a bank to secure a loan or overdraft, be sure to take your carefully constructed business plan that you've just written on the back of an Indian Takeaway menu. This is sure to impress the bank manager with your cavalier attitude and irreverence. Be sure to also tap your top 3 inches and come over all smug and arrogant. They are bound to sign off a £100k loan there and then.
If this fails you can always go down the investment route. Try not to target successful hard ass business people who will grill you for several hours and expect lots of preparation. Instead target frail and vulnerable wealthy individuals who are either senile or on the verge of insanity. Tip here is to make sure you get the signature before they are certified insane.
6 - Motivation and Discipline
Once you have set up and you are trading, for all self employed people the age old difficulty of discipline and motivation crops up. When you work for someone else it is almost mandatory to loaf around on their time pretending to work. Safe in the knowledge you will get your pay check at the end of the month. When you work for yourself you can piss about all you want, take time off and generally mince about like lord of the manor. Trouble is there is no pay check at the end of the month which of course leads to huge financial insecurity and fear.
In order to motivate yourself simply do a few shots at breakfast time. This will get you firing for the day then end up passively aggressively calling prospects with a vague hint of desperation in your voice. If this doesn't work take to reading endless self help books and business guru books on how to make a success of your business. This will eat up the working day and mean that you can knock off at 5 safe in the knowledge you have done something constructive in the day,
I suggest the Power of Now as a great motivating book. I got it several months ago but haven't got round to reading it yet. Instead I'm thinking of writing an alternative 'The Power of Later'. But I haven't got round to doing that either.
7 - Working Day & Time Management
Another tricky one for the self starter. It's always best to start the day with a positive. As soon as you wake up write a list of things to do for the day. That way you can castigate yourself at the end for not doing any. Be sure to keep adding to the list daily until you have at least 1000 items by the end of the week & your brain is totally fried and esteem on the floor.
Then after a long lazy breakfast & read of the paper switch on your computer. It's now time to work. Well after you've knobbed around on Facebook for a while and checked out funny clips of Dogs speaking like humans on You Tube. Then catch up on the latest sports gossip and text some friends it should now be time for 'Sweeney' and 'Minder' on ITV 4 which should take you up to mid morning.
Here it is time to squeeze in a couple of emails before you head to the gym. After all a healthy body means healthy mind. Tell yourself you'll go hard at it this afternoon as you punish yourself with a 2 hour work out. By the time you have had a post work out sauna, shower and lunch/coffee with a pal it is now mid afternoon.
Head home in time to catch 'Bargain Hunt' and 'Dickensons Real Deal'. If your lucky you may catch 'Grand Designs' on More 4 or 'Midsummer Murders' in ITV 3. This is known as down time to get your mind rested and clear to begin your working day, It is crucial at this point to put in a work call, Anything just try and make it some kind of work related so you can feel better about things for the day.
By now it is teatime and you are ready for some crumpets, cup of tea and the crossword. It is so important to keep your brain active. The 6 O'clock news distracts you from this, meaning it is the end of the working day and time for 'you time'. 2 emails and a phone call mean it has been a productive day and you should reward yourself with a bottle of wine or a night out with friends. Well done. You deserve tomorrow off.
8 - Sales
These are crucial in running your own business. If you have some then you have succeeded in the 1st challenge. It means you actually have a product & business. The main tip in securing sales is to do the minimum amount of work for maximum money. Be sure to actually take money from a sale. Don't fall into the trap so many if us do of when someone expresses an interest, note this down internally as a guaranteed sale and start spending wildly before the deal is done. It 'ain't a deal until the money's in the till.
9 - Customers
An unfortunate by product of a sale. It means you actually have to deal with people and be nice to them. The problem with customers is generally they want you to actually do something for the money they pay you. This can have a massive effect on your day and will invariably mean you have to Sky + Midsumer Murders or watch Dickenson Real deal on Iplayer.
10 - Cashflow
The thing that closes most new business'. You may have sales in the pipeline or the P&L sheet may look good but if you haven't got any cash then you can't trade. The simple way around this is to borrow heavily, live entirely on credit cards, ponce off as many people as you can, lie or attach yourself to a wealthy partner who can bale you out and help you continue your image as a self employed successful business person in control of their own destiny.
11 - Plan B.
It is important to have a back up plan in case your business fails. Euro Lottery.
I hope you have found some handy tips in how to run your own business. All you really need to do is the total opposite of the above and you are guaranteed to be a success.
Good luck fellow Business owners. This time next year Rodney's we'll all be millionaires.
The Nick Evans
Friday, May 24, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Nick Evans Guide to Life - Being Born
They say there are only 3 things that are certain in life. Birth, taxes and death. I have dealt with the subject of death. Taxes are something I have as much interest in as Simon Cowell does to low hanging trousers, so that just leaves the subject of birth. here is The Nick Evans guide to Birth.
I can't remember being born. I know I was because I'm sat here in my pants writing this but my memory didn't kick in until I was 4. It is impossible to remember being born, your brain isn't fully formed yet - besides there's a whole lot of umbilical chord and other stuff going on. Everyone else remembers your birth of course. I mean your mother spent hours in absolute torture trying to push you out so that would stick on the memory a little.
Birth is an odd thing. Some people are planned, some are accidents. Some have easy births, others torrid difficult affairs. We are all delivered onto this planet as tiny little people. Screaming, bawling bundles of baby. Empty vessels with everything in front of us. So many possibilities, hopes and aspirations. So many experiences and adventures. And then we grow older and become IT Consultants and wonder where it all went wrong.
Some people claim we are merely passing through lives. That we live this physical life but really it is a series of spiritual ones we live. Some people claim that's bullshit and that this life is the only one we've got.
Me? I'm not so sure. I'm on board with the spiritual concept. I do believe there is after life and there has to be more than just here and now. I reckon it's a tad conceited, ignorant and arrogant to claim otherwise. If this is all we have what kind of evolution are we? If the best we can do is Argos, Cheese stuffed Pizzas and Sky + then I reckon we're doomed forever. I have to believe there is more to life than just this. Having said that eating cheese stuffed pizzas infront of Sky + is wicked and Argos does sell everything you need, it just takes 4 days for it to get to the counter.
And what of pre-lives. Pre birth? Again I don't know on that one but it's always spooky getting De Ja Vu, or the feeling you have been here before. Personally I believe I was a dog in my previous life. I think like a dog, act like a dog and if I could reach would spend all day licking my balls. It's a no brainer on that score. I was a dog.
Having said that I don't go in for all that birth affects the way you are as a person bollocks. Whether it be a water, hospital or home birth I'm not so sure it has any impact on how you are shaped.
I do believe the 1st few days or months as a baby have a bearing on you as a person? Many scientific studies suggest it does. How you are nurtured, fed, showed the way can have a massive impact on your psyche. You may not be aware of this, it maybe subconscious but I think it does have an impact.
Take me for example. I was the youngest of 3 boys. My Mother was desperate for a daughter. In those days you weren't told the sex so when I popped out in a Nursing home in Llanelli in 1972, she was immediately disappointed to see she's had another boy. My Mum is too lovely and loving to be disappointed. She was delighted and of course full of love for her child. However she desperately wanted a girl so she effectively pretended I was a girl for 2 days. Dressing me up in pink and talking to me like I was a little girl.
Finally she pulled herself together and started treating me as a boy, but for 48 hours I was in fact a girl. Obviously with boys paraphernalia, however I was dressed as a girl which technically rendered me a tranny for the 1st two days of my life.
So did being treated as a girl for 2 days have a lasting effect? Well I consider myself to be an old school bloke who happens to look like a modern metro sexual queer. I look pretty camp but underneath I'm an old school sexist misogynist (all guys are when it boils down to it) - Don't get me wrong I'm well up for equality of the sexes and all that but ultimately when it boils down to it. Blokes should drive their woman, open doors, carry the bags, sort out the rubbish, put up shelves and talk bollocks with other blokes most of the time. It's in our DNA)
Having said all that I'm quite partial to a romantic comedy, have been known to cry at the occasional Meg Ryan film and really like chicken drumettes. Sometimes I love nothing better than a long hot soak and I'm ultra dramatic and hyper sensitive. In mitigation I'm shit hot at reverse parking and I can generally catch something thrown to me.
I'm not sure if it did have an effect. I am very sensitive to a woman's needs and have spent many years being considered that dreadful term 'ladies man', which is basically another term for a low self esteem knob head insecure little boy who needs the validity of lots of women in order to make himself feel better and boost his male ego. I should know because I did it for many years. Not now though people. #NewMan.
So does it actually shape us being born? Are we born as we are or do we learn certain behaviours? Nature or nurture?
Some people claim they were born into the wrong family and didn't feel they belonged. Some people believe they were born in the wrong era. Some people were abandoned when born or endured a horrible childhood. Some were loved and some were not. Does any of this mean anything?
Clearly it must have an impact, however I'm not one to lay that blame game entirely at the door of birth and childhood. I believe we are born with certain personality traits or defects just as we are born with certain colour eyes. It is all genetically and spiritually mapped out how we are born. The rest just helps to shape you no matter what environment or situation.
Clearly if you are nurtured, encouraged, loved and taught it will have an enormous baring on your future direction and human code but it's not the be all and end all. Some people are born with terrible physical or mental disabilities. Some with genetic imbalances, addictions or other traits we did not ask for or know about. It is harsh and unfair. Why are some luckier than others? Why why why is the eternal question there simply no answer for and I believe the real pain is not being able to accept this. That is where the conflict comes. The internal angst. The deep unhappiness. Non acceptance for what and who we are.
I for one hated myself when I was a kid. All my family were Welsh and as I far as I was concerned spoke like a combination of Richard Burton and Ruth Maddock. I on the other hand spoke like a combination of a bloke who worked in Burton's who ate Haddock. I was home counties see.
My parents moved from Wales to Maidenhead when I was 9 months old. I never had a chance to develop that Celtic lilt that all the Chic's love. Instead I had an accent I hated, it sounded to me like I was in some kind of low grade Sit com like Terry and June. I was gutted. I wanted to sound like a poet, a scholar, an actor. When I visited family in Wales they thought I was English and when I went to school in England I wanted to be Welsh. I couldn't win. Even now when I go home to Wales distant family members ask me if I support England or Wales. I'm fucking Welsh. My roots, my soul, my family, my DNA is forged in Wales and I am welsh. I love mobility scooters and high fat sugary foods and girls in leopard print leggings who hang round Asda. How more Welsh could I be?
I held onto that resentment for years, well into my 20's without even knowing it. All spurned from birth and events I had absolutely no control over. So my point is birth does have an affect on you, but it's my responsibility as an adult to do something about it. Only recently have I learned or am beginning to learn who I am. That is where the peace comes from.
I hear people play the blame game for years and it's fucking annoying. I did it. Yes some have had it awful and hard and of course deserve empathy and sympathy but there comes a point when you have to draw a line and accept, recognise and use it in a positive fashion. I was angry for years because I simply couldn't accept myself or who I was. I never even knew who I was, still don't most of the time. But I'm beginning to get a better handle and fuck me, it makes life so much easier.
We are born with a set of cards that is up to us to play. You may believe in a higher power or not. My role is to try and play my best hand as often as possible. It's effectively a massive game of Life Top Trumps.
When you're born your given your hand. You have your trumps. A certain size, looks, hair and physical traits your genetics determine, You will have a mental capacity and personality that is pretty much determined. Of course learned behaviours, education, training etc will shape these but you've pretty much got your deck of Top Trumps already. They change throughout your life but For instance my top trump when I was a kid was height and humour. I scored highly on those so I got in the sports teams and was generally well liked. Ego was fed, security & status gained and I felt OK.
However I scored low on self esteem and man tits. These were very low affecting my inner confidence and ego. Those took a pummelling when I was young. I could do well in life until my Trump of man tits was played, usually in P.E and down my mental state went in a spiral of embarrassment and ego deflation. No amount of high trumps on other areas could win. I was doomed.
Point is they were the trumps given when you were born. I love how they change over time but these are the 1st trumps your given. It's up to us to change them over time. I'm glad to report my Man tit trump is gone.
Then of course there are the people who are 'reborn'. To most people they are viewed suspiciously. Born again Christians have a bad press, usually because the people who are Born again Christians are ultra scary. If they were like David Beckham for instance or Beyoncé, well then Born Again Christians wouldn't have such a bad image - but they are usually the kind of people who rarely blink and wear alternative knitwear. Ones to avoid.
That is not to say we cannot be reborn. I'm actually onside with that whole concept. We can go from one thing to another. We can radically change, alter our lives and be 'reborn'. Either through religion, changing lifestyle, losing weight, altering an attitude, finding love, stopping drinking or other means.
It's just most don't preach endlessly about it, raise their hands to the sky with their eyes closed and be massively annoying. having said that reformed smokers who have been reborn can go and fuck themselves when preaching how bad it is for you. Though I do look forward to joining you in the future. #Hypocrite.
I'm not a parent so I cannot write about birth from giving it perspective or instigating it, though I've had a few near misses, but I'm told it's painful and amazing in the same degree. I guess when you are a parent it totally changes your view of the whole thing. Many say child birth is a miracle and I guess in most cases it is. Just in my opinion there's far too much of it.
I'm not too sure it's a miracle when 12 little child birth miracles come out of the same family.. Is that really a miracle. isn't there enough people on this planet anyway without bringing even more unwanted ones into the world? Another little child support miracle.
Some little fuckers don't have a chance. Born into problems and end up becoming one. No fault of their own, just a mix of genetics, circumstance and society. Anyway I digress, this is not a social commentary or a political rant. There are better qualified than me to tackle that subject. All I will say is that for me birth is to be cherished, wanted or loved, not to knock out another little miracle to add to the collection and be named after a Jeremy Kyle programme. (Lazy of me to lapse into stereo types there but you get my drift.)
On the whole I'm well pleased I was born. I like my life. I quite like me in most parts. Some days I have dark times but on the whole I'm pretty fortunate not to have terrible problems physically or mentally. I'm certainly fortunate not to have been born with them. Sure I was born with the alcoholic Gene but there is help for that. Of course at certain times when I was an annoying horrible teenager I would strop and say 'I wish I was never born'. The trick is not to carry that into adult hood. Nobody likes to see grown adults throw a strop in Waitrose. It looks ugly. Aldi is fine though. Almost expected.
If I was never born I would have missed out on so much. Chesney Hawks, Argos, McFlurry's, Cheese on Toast, Rubics Cube, the new Daft Punk album and 3 way sex to name but a few.
Thank god I was born. Thanks Mum for giving me life. Just why did you have to dress me up as a girl and address me as 'Nicola' for 2 days. Now I've got the urge to listen to Shania Twain and I must go, my bath is running and I've just lit my lavender and peach soaked candles. Still I'm so pleased those first 48 hours never effected me. Now how do you spell Laboutin?......
The Nick Evans
I can't remember being born. I know I was because I'm sat here in my pants writing this but my memory didn't kick in until I was 4. It is impossible to remember being born, your brain isn't fully formed yet - besides there's a whole lot of umbilical chord and other stuff going on. Everyone else remembers your birth of course. I mean your mother spent hours in absolute torture trying to push you out so that would stick on the memory a little.
Birth is an odd thing. Some people are planned, some are accidents. Some have easy births, others torrid difficult affairs. We are all delivered onto this planet as tiny little people. Screaming, bawling bundles of baby. Empty vessels with everything in front of us. So many possibilities, hopes and aspirations. So many experiences and adventures. And then we grow older and become IT Consultants and wonder where it all went wrong.
Some people claim we are merely passing through lives. That we live this physical life but really it is a series of spiritual ones we live. Some people claim that's bullshit and that this life is the only one we've got.
Me? I'm not so sure. I'm on board with the spiritual concept. I do believe there is after life and there has to be more than just here and now. I reckon it's a tad conceited, ignorant and arrogant to claim otherwise. If this is all we have what kind of evolution are we? If the best we can do is Argos, Cheese stuffed Pizzas and Sky + then I reckon we're doomed forever. I have to believe there is more to life than just this. Having said that eating cheese stuffed pizzas infront of Sky + is wicked and Argos does sell everything you need, it just takes 4 days for it to get to the counter.
And what of pre-lives. Pre birth? Again I don't know on that one but it's always spooky getting De Ja Vu, or the feeling you have been here before. Personally I believe I was a dog in my previous life. I think like a dog, act like a dog and if I could reach would spend all day licking my balls. It's a no brainer on that score. I was a dog.
Having said that I don't go in for all that birth affects the way you are as a person bollocks. Whether it be a water, hospital or home birth I'm not so sure it has any impact on how you are shaped.
I do believe the 1st few days or months as a baby have a bearing on you as a person? Many scientific studies suggest it does. How you are nurtured, fed, showed the way can have a massive impact on your psyche. You may not be aware of this, it maybe subconscious but I think it does have an impact.
Take me for example. I was the youngest of 3 boys. My Mother was desperate for a daughter. In those days you weren't told the sex so when I popped out in a Nursing home in Llanelli in 1972, she was immediately disappointed to see she's had another boy. My Mum is too lovely and loving to be disappointed. She was delighted and of course full of love for her child. However she desperately wanted a girl so she effectively pretended I was a girl for 2 days. Dressing me up in pink and talking to me like I was a little girl.
Finally she pulled herself together and started treating me as a boy, but for 48 hours I was in fact a girl. Obviously with boys paraphernalia, however I was dressed as a girl which technically rendered me a tranny for the 1st two days of my life.
So did being treated as a girl for 2 days have a lasting effect? Well I consider myself to be an old school bloke who happens to look like a modern metro sexual queer. I look pretty camp but underneath I'm an old school sexist misogynist (all guys are when it boils down to it) - Don't get me wrong I'm well up for equality of the sexes and all that but ultimately when it boils down to it. Blokes should drive their woman, open doors, carry the bags, sort out the rubbish, put up shelves and talk bollocks with other blokes most of the time. It's in our DNA)
Having said all that I'm quite partial to a romantic comedy, have been known to cry at the occasional Meg Ryan film and really like chicken drumettes. Sometimes I love nothing better than a long hot soak and I'm ultra dramatic and hyper sensitive. In mitigation I'm shit hot at reverse parking and I can generally catch something thrown to me.
I'm not sure if it did have an effect. I am very sensitive to a woman's needs and have spent many years being considered that dreadful term 'ladies man', which is basically another term for a low self esteem knob head insecure little boy who needs the validity of lots of women in order to make himself feel better and boost his male ego. I should know because I did it for many years. Not now though people. #NewMan.
So does it actually shape us being born? Are we born as we are or do we learn certain behaviours? Nature or nurture?
Some people claim they were born into the wrong family and didn't feel they belonged. Some people believe they were born in the wrong era. Some people were abandoned when born or endured a horrible childhood. Some were loved and some were not. Does any of this mean anything?
Clearly it must have an impact, however I'm not one to lay that blame game entirely at the door of birth and childhood. I believe we are born with certain personality traits or defects just as we are born with certain colour eyes. It is all genetically and spiritually mapped out how we are born. The rest just helps to shape you no matter what environment or situation.
Clearly if you are nurtured, encouraged, loved and taught it will have an enormous baring on your future direction and human code but it's not the be all and end all. Some people are born with terrible physical or mental disabilities. Some with genetic imbalances, addictions or other traits we did not ask for or know about. It is harsh and unfair. Why are some luckier than others? Why why why is the eternal question there simply no answer for and I believe the real pain is not being able to accept this. That is where the conflict comes. The internal angst. The deep unhappiness. Non acceptance for what and who we are.
I for one hated myself when I was a kid. All my family were Welsh and as I far as I was concerned spoke like a combination of Richard Burton and Ruth Maddock. I on the other hand spoke like a combination of a bloke who worked in Burton's who ate Haddock. I was home counties see.
My parents moved from Wales to Maidenhead when I was 9 months old. I never had a chance to develop that Celtic lilt that all the Chic's love. Instead I had an accent I hated, it sounded to me like I was in some kind of low grade Sit com like Terry and June. I was gutted. I wanted to sound like a poet, a scholar, an actor. When I visited family in Wales they thought I was English and when I went to school in England I wanted to be Welsh. I couldn't win. Even now when I go home to Wales distant family members ask me if I support England or Wales. I'm fucking Welsh. My roots, my soul, my family, my DNA is forged in Wales and I am welsh. I love mobility scooters and high fat sugary foods and girls in leopard print leggings who hang round Asda. How more Welsh could I be?
I held onto that resentment for years, well into my 20's without even knowing it. All spurned from birth and events I had absolutely no control over. So my point is birth does have an affect on you, but it's my responsibility as an adult to do something about it. Only recently have I learned or am beginning to learn who I am. That is where the peace comes from.
I hear people play the blame game for years and it's fucking annoying. I did it. Yes some have had it awful and hard and of course deserve empathy and sympathy but there comes a point when you have to draw a line and accept, recognise and use it in a positive fashion. I was angry for years because I simply couldn't accept myself or who I was. I never even knew who I was, still don't most of the time. But I'm beginning to get a better handle and fuck me, it makes life so much easier.
We are born with a set of cards that is up to us to play. You may believe in a higher power or not. My role is to try and play my best hand as often as possible. It's effectively a massive game of Life Top Trumps.
When you're born your given your hand. You have your trumps. A certain size, looks, hair and physical traits your genetics determine, You will have a mental capacity and personality that is pretty much determined. Of course learned behaviours, education, training etc will shape these but you've pretty much got your deck of Top Trumps already. They change throughout your life but For instance my top trump when I was a kid was height and humour. I scored highly on those so I got in the sports teams and was generally well liked. Ego was fed, security & status gained and I felt OK.
However I scored low on self esteem and man tits. These were very low affecting my inner confidence and ego. Those took a pummelling when I was young. I could do well in life until my Trump of man tits was played, usually in P.E and down my mental state went in a spiral of embarrassment and ego deflation. No amount of high trumps on other areas could win. I was doomed.
Point is they were the trumps given when you were born. I love how they change over time but these are the 1st trumps your given. It's up to us to change them over time. I'm glad to report my Man tit trump is gone.
Then of course there are the people who are 'reborn'. To most people they are viewed suspiciously. Born again Christians have a bad press, usually because the people who are Born again Christians are ultra scary. If they were like David Beckham for instance or Beyoncé, well then Born Again Christians wouldn't have such a bad image - but they are usually the kind of people who rarely blink and wear alternative knitwear. Ones to avoid.
That is not to say we cannot be reborn. I'm actually onside with that whole concept. We can go from one thing to another. We can radically change, alter our lives and be 'reborn'. Either through religion, changing lifestyle, losing weight, altering an attitude, finding love, stopping drinking or other means.
It's just most don't preach endlessly about it, raise their hands to the sky with their eyes closed and be massively annoying. having said that reformed smokers who have been reborn can go and fuck themselves when preaching how bad it is for you. Though I do look forward to joining you in the future. #Hypocrite.
I'm not a parent so I cannot write about birth from giving it perspective or instigating it, though I've had a few near misses, but I'm told it's painful and amazing in the same degree. I guess when you are a parent it totally changes your view of the whole thing. Many say child birth is a miracle and I guess in most cases it is. Just in my opinion there's far too much of it.
I'm not too sure it's a miracle when 12 little child birth miracles come out of the same family.. Is that really a miracle. isn't there enough people on this planet anyway without bringing even more unwanted ones into the world? Another little child support miracle.
Some little fuckers don't have a chance. Born into problems and end up becoming one. No fault of their own, just a mix of genetics, circumstance and society. Anyway I digress, this is not a social commentary or a political rant. There are better qualified than me to tackle that subject. All I will say is that for me birth is to be cherished, wanted or loved, not to knock out another little miracle to add to the collection and be named after a Jeremy Kyle programme. (Lazy of me to lapse into stereo types there but you get my drift.)
On the whole I'm well pleased I was born. I like my life. I quite like me in most parts. Some days I have dark times but on the whole I'm pretty fortunate not to have terrible problems physically or mentally. I'm certainly fortunate not to have been born with them. Sure I was born with the alcoholic Gene but there is help for that. Of course at certain times when I was an annoying horrible teenager I would strop and say 'I wish I was never born'. The trick is not to carry that into adult hood. Nobody likes to see grown adults throw a strop in Waitrose. It looks ugly. Aldi is fine though. Almost expected.
If I was never born I would have missed out on so much. Chesney Hawks, Argos, McFlurry's, Cheese on Toast, Rubics Cube, the new Daft Punk album and 3 way sex to name but a few.
Thank god I was born. Thanks Mum for giving me life. Just why did you have to dress me up as a girl and address me as 'Nicola' for 2 days. Now I've got the urge to listen to Shania Twain and I must go, my bath is running and I've just lit my lavender and peach soaked candles. Still I'm so pleased those first 48 hours never effected me. Now how do you spell Laboutin?......
The Nick Evans
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The Nick Evans Guide to Negative Thinking and Low Self Esteem
Have you ever suffered from negative thinking and low self esteem? I do. Not much of course. Only around 2-20 hours a day for 40 years. It's a little like an annoying friend. The sort of friend you hate but are familiar with and no matter how many times you try to shake them off they always come back. Either that or nasty haemorrhoids.
Everyone, even the most confident, suffer from self doubt and fear occasionally. We all do right? It's a natural human emotion. No different from joy, laughter, arousal, fear, worry or anxiety. Of course some people seem never to have it. Looking to the outside world to have the ultimate confidence and 'rule book for life', like they know exactly what they are doing and where they belong. Some describe these type of people as confident, focused or single minded. I like to describe them as bastards.
We wouldn't be humans unless we experienced a full range of emotions. It's what makes us alive. Invertebrates don't have a brain, or a mind and therefore do not experience emotions, feelings and thoughts. These can usually be found queuing up for tickets to watch Britain's Got Talent, or working in Aldi.
We humans have a brain that is as complicated as a flat pack wardrobe from Ikea. Millions of neurons and motor functions all working overtime to produce our movement, smell, senses, perceptions, information, behaviour, speech, feelings and emotions. Essentially we are all the same yet totally different. Varying personalities, characters and people. Most of us share a common cause in living daily on this planet, some to lesser or greater degree. What makes us unique is the DNA, chromosome and genetic structure that goes into making us unique, yet sharing a human experience.
So why do some of us who walk this earth suffer from such negative thinking and low self esteem? Is it a genetic imbalance? Is it a perception imbalance? Is it learned behaviour from an early age? God knows - I'll leave that one to the boffins. All that I know is that I have had it for as long as I can remember and it's a proper cunt.
So what is it? Of course a healthy dose of fear or worry is normal. I mean if your faced with a tiger on the loose it's natural to be scared. By the same token we all suffer from a little 'compare and despair' as envy, jealousy and fear just show we are human. We love to feel a little better than the next person, or a little worse. It's not healthy as I operate at my best when accepting of everything and myself and just get on with things.
But what happens when that head kicks in? People who suffer from low self esteem or negative thinking will know & understand.
The brain is such a powerful weapon. One not to be underestimated. You maybe experiencing something truly great, or just feeling OK, when that head will kick in and from nowhere the voice will come over the loud speaker in your head and say 'it maybe OK now but it won't last and your still a piece of shit'. Fucking hell, thanks for that head. Your a real help.
Sometimes the head won't shut up. It's Like a permanent Radio Shit FM playing inside. Classic tracks such as 'not good enough' or 'it will all go wrong', 'they are better than you', 'you'll never amount to anything' play on a constant loop with the current chart topper , 'might as well give up' played the most.
Radio Shit FM is dreadful, worse than Heart FM. Even the DJ's are ultra annoying. It's like having Dermott O'Leary live rent free in my head. Still at least DLT has been arrested for noncing so that's one less problem.
The Breakfast show on Radio Shit FM wakes you up nice & early with a couple of blinding tracks. 'Oh god not another day' and 'what will go wrong'. This sets you up nicely for a feared up, negative day. Of course you do everything in your power to prevent this. There are certain techniques you can employ to reduce the noise. Morning meditation, prayer, exercise, positive affirmations, ultra hard smoking or in some cases Tequila. Unfortunately Radio Shit FM has an answer for these playing the track 'oh fuck it why bother'. If your lucky these techniques may work but when the fear is on you, they are generally short term fixes and by mid morning FEAR FM is back on full blast.
The lunchtime spot is usually reserved for the subtle annoying tracks such as 'mild fear and paranoia' or the beautifully arranged 'loser'. Subtle and gentle negative tracks that chip away at your day.
By the afternoon, you may have got on with work, either in your office or at home. Of course it is always better to work with lots of people so you can't have the radio on. But if you work on your own, at home, in a small environment or if you don't work at all, the radio is generally on half blast. Tracks such as 'your going to lose this job and run out of money' or 'what you do is bollocks' waft over the airwaves. The only thing to do in that instance is take solace in Pot Noodles. Alternatively speak to someone and tell them about the radio. Trouble is nobody generally wants to hear someone moan down the phone so us British like to just bottle it up and soldier on alone in uncomfortable negativity.
One thing you should never do is turn the radio off and flip on daytime TV. 'A place in the sun' or 'Escape to the country' or worse still 'Vanessa' will undoubtedly get you reaching for the Vodka and Aspirin. So it is best to stick to the wireless. Better the devil you know.
Drive time on Radio Shit FM is a joy. Usually wittering on with some mundane low level negative chatter interrupted with stellar tracks like 'you've nothing planned tonight that's how shit your life is'. In those instances it is usually best to do something.
Some like to go to AA meetings, some to the gym, home to the family or in most cases to the pub/home for a night of heavy drinking. This of course is a double edged sword. It will undoubtedly get rid of the noise for a while. Even temporarily make you feel good enough, or even better than everyone else plus optimistic and relaxed as you drain more alcohol. However the Radio is just waiting to return even more savagely at a later date. This technique is just delaying the inevitable. Not advisable. I should know I did it for 12 years. For those of you who want to really go for it just add drugs. A stimulant such as Cocaine will heighten the feeling of being too good and amazing. However the crushing Shit FM will return even louder. Watch out.
The evening show is a heady mix of 'I wonder what my ex is doing' and 'I bet she's found someone better'. Always good to mix in a bit of blinding jealousy and obsession whilst comparing yourself to someone else and coming off 3rd best. This is standard fayre to the negative thinker. For those of you who really have a bad head a few minutes doing this is just not enough. In order to get yourself in a really dark space your head craves you have to sharpen that obsession for around 6-8 hours. By that stage your head will be satisfied with your complete lack of perspective and you will be nicely hyper ventilating and on the verge of a panic attack. Radio Shit FM has done it's job then and is ready for the night shift.
The Night shift is of course the money shot. The loudest part of Radio Shit FM. It's relentless and loud and naturally forces you to suffer from insomnia and stay up all night. This is where it really fucks you up. The middle of the night is when the head really cuts loose. Tracks such as 'you really are useless', 'everyone else has a better life than you', 'why do I deserve this?' and the 3am favourite 'kill yourself'.
These are of course mixed with the late night phone ins - Radio Shit FM loves you to have multiple voices after all. Then there are the other special Night Shift features such as 'Action replay', where it constantly replays bad incidents from your life over and over again. Then a new feature is added, usually at 4am called 'Social Media'. This is a new edition over the past few years, where they guide you through people's Facebook, Twitter or web pages so you can see how good a life they are having, how an ex is better off with someone else or how bollocks your life is compared to yours.
By this stage Radio Shit FM has got you exactly where it wants you. Of course you can try many things to prevent it or fill up that low self esteem. (none of which work) These include;
Is it because of messages when I was a kid? Is it because of a dysfunctional childhood? Is it because I'm an alcoholic? Is it because of circumstance?
The answer is who knows. Does it really matter? I know many people with awful childhoods who do not have this head. Alcoholism is an inside job so I know that doesn't help. But I know people who are not alcoholics who have this head. So I guess it's just the way it is. I was born with blue eyes just as I was born with a dodgy head. There is no point running away from it, trying to find out why, bemoaning it.
No, I think the best thing to do is accept it. Shrug it off, say it's there, lots of people have it. Be honest and open about it. Write about it and learn to try and live with it and employ certain things in my life to help it.
Good diet, rest, positive actions, exercise, social life, interests, spiritual connection and thirst for learning all help. Isolation, sloth, drink, drugs and all the other things above I listed do not. It is easy when you are in it to want to self destruct and not look after yourself. After all if you hate yourself so much why on earth would you do good things for yourself or others? It's logical.
So I do not blame or criticise people for their behaviours if they are in it. It's just something some people have. Ultimately though you have to put in some action to arrest it. Change it. Alter it's course. That may take a few hours or days but ultimately it's the only option and it can work.
I have spent 40 years pursuing outside things to fill up the large empty black hole of self hatred and low self esteem. I've been looking in all the wrong places. All along it was inside. It was in me, in a faith. In a higher power. For me it's not in a religious sense. Nor am I being all preachy and wanky here. Just that in my experience in the last couple of weeks I have been thinking long and hard about my head, my patterns of behaviour and what I do because of how I am. It's come as a massive shock. Those who don't know me wouldn't know anything about all this. Even the ones who do rarely know what goes on deep inside.
I hide it well but trust me deep inside is a soul sickness that's so utterly powerful it rules my life and determines my behaviour. It's deep, it's subtle and people can go for years undetected - but it's that low level unhappiness, dissatisfaction and esteem can work. It makes you do behaviours that cause ultimate unhappiness. It's just that some of us hide them better than others and never show the outside world.
This may not last for long and Radio Shit FM may be back tonight or tomorrow and I am sure it will dog me for the rest of my days but just for today it's abated. It's turned off. There is a new noise in town and that's one of openness and light. I can't explain it. I'm not sure what it is. I'm scared it will go and to feel good enough on the inside is a new feeling. Is this nonsense? Will it go? Am I just fooling myself? Don't worry the head is still murmuring and ready to pounce but for now it's locked away like a little gimp in a cage and shan't be let out today.
An American Psychologist William James once wrote something that makes sense to me now. He wrote;
"A man has to be physically, mentally and spiritually crushed until he can take on new ideals. Once he has been placed in that position it is easier to employ new principles. To be crushed is not the end. It is the beginning".
The crushing does not have to be dramatic. A rock bottom in any type of behaviour doesn't have to be the worst dramatic thing. I had so many when I was drinking. Arrests, hospitalisations, fights, arguments, dramas. Yet it wasn't the big thing that brought me down it was just a realisation one day that I was fucked & didn't want to do that anymore.
I have learnt in the last 2 weeks that you can have a rock bottom in other areas of your life. In emotions, Inside. In your head. It doesn't have to be big and bold and dramatic. Just small little pebbles of understanding dropping. Ultimately it's just sometimes you have enough of being the way you are and want to change it. I have been praying for years for a change and it feels that way at the moment. I really hope I'm not tempting fate here and making myself look an idiot and setting myself up for a fall. But right here, right now. Today this is how I feel and I hope it continues.
I love everyone who has a dodgy head. We're all in it together brothers and sisters. You are not alone.
The Nick Evans
Everyone, even the most confident, suffer from self doubt and fear occasionally. We all do right? It's a natural human emotion. No different from joy, laughter, arousal, fear, worry or anxiety. Of course some people seem never to have it. Looking to the outside world to have the ultimate confidence and 'rule book for life', like they know exactly what they are doing and where they belong. Some describe these type of people as confident, focused or single minded. I like to describe them as bastards.
We wouldn't be humans unless we experienced a full range of emotions. It's what makes us alive. Invertebrates don't have a brain, or a mind and therefore do not experience emotions, feelings and thoughts. These can usually be found queuing up for tickets to watch Britain's Got Talent, or working in Aldi.
We humans have a brain that is as complicated as a flat pack wardrobe from Ikea. Millions of neurons and motor functions all working overtime to produce our movement, smell, senses, perceptions, information, behaviour, speech, feelings and emotions. Essentially we are all the same yet totally different. Varying personalities, characters and people. Most of us share a common cause in living daily on this planet, some to lesser or greater degree. What makes us unique is the DNA, chromosome and genetic structure that goes into making us unique, yet sharing a human experience.
So why do some of us who walk this earth suffer from such negative thinking and low self esteem? Is it a genetic imbalance? Is it a perception imbalance? Is it learned behaviour from an early age? God knows - I'll leave that one to the boffins. All that I know is that I have had it for as long as I can remember and it's a proper cunt.
So what is it? Of course a healthy dose of fear or worry is normal. I mean if your faced with a tiger on the loose it's natural to be scared. By the same token we all suffer from a little 'compare and despair' as envy, jealousy and fear just show we are human. We love to feel a little better than the next person, or a little worse. It's not healthy as I operate at my best when accepting of everything and myself and just get on with things.
But what happens when that head kicks in? People who suffer from low self esteem or negative thinking will know & understand.
The brain is such a powerful weapon. One not to be underestimated. You maybe experiencing something truly great, or just feeling OK, when that head will kick in and from nowhere the voice will come over the loud speaker in your head and say 'it maybe OK now but it won't last and your still a piece of shit'. Fucking hell, thanks for that head. Your a real help.
Sometimes the head won't shut up. It's Like a permanent Radio Shit FM playing inside. Classic tracks such as 'not good enough' or 'it will all go wrong', 'they are better than you', 'you'll never amount to anything' play on a constant loop with the current chart topper , 'might as well give up' played the most.
Radio Shit FM is dreadful, worse than Heart FM. Even the DJ's are ultra annoying. It's like having Dermott O'Leary live rent free in my head. Still at least DLT has been arrested for noncing so that's one less problem.
The Breakfast show on Radio Shit FM wakes you up nice & early with a couple of blinding tracks. 'Oh god not another day' and 'what will go wrong'. This sets you up nicely for a feared up, negative day. Of course you do everything in your power to prevent this. There are certain techniques you can employ to reduce the noise. Morning meditation, prayer, exercise, positive affirmations, ultra hard smoking or in some cases Tequila. Unfortunately Radio Shit FM has an answer for these playing the track 'oh fuck it why bother'. If your lucky these techniques may work but when the fear is on you, they are generally short term fixes and by mid morning FEAR FM is back on full blast.
The lunchtime spot is usually reserved for the subtle annoying tracks such as 'mild fear and paranoia' or the beautifully arranged 'loser'. Subtle and gentle negative tracks that chip away at your day.
By the afternoon, you may have got on with work, either in your office or at home. Of course it is always better to work with lots of people so you can't have the radio on. But if you work on your own, at home, in a small environment or if you don't work at all, the radio is generally on half blast. Tracks such as 'your going to lose this job and run out of money' or 'what you do is bollocks' waft over the airwaves. The only thing to do in that instance is take solace in Pot Noodles. Alternatively speak to someone and tell them about the radio. Trouble is nobody generally wants to hear someone moan down the phone so us British like to just bottle it up and soldier on alone in uncomfortable negativity.
One thing you should never do is turn the radio off and flip on daytime TV. 'A place in the sun' or 'Escape to the country' or worse still 'Vanessa' will undoubtedly get you reaching for the Vodka and Aspirin. So it is best to stick to the wireless. Better the devil you know.
Drive time on Radio Shit FM is a joy. Usually wittering on with some mundane low level negative chatter interrupted with stellar tracks like 'you've nothing planned tonight that's how shit your life is'. In those instances it is usually best to do something.
Some like to go to AA meetings, some to the gym, home to the family or in most cases to the pub/home for a night of heavy drinking. This of course is a double edged sword. It will undoubtedly get rid of the noise for a while. Even temporarily make you feel good enough, or even better than everyone else plus optimistic and relaxed as you drain more alcohol. However the Radio is just waiting to return even more savagely at a later date. This technique is just delaying the inevitable. Not advisable. I should know I did it for 12 years. For those of you who want to really go for it just add drugs. A stimulant such as Cocaine will heighten the feeling of being too good and amazing. However the crushing Shit FM will return even louder. Watch out.
The evening show is a heady mix of 'I wonder what my ex is doing' and 'I bet she's found someone better'. Always good to mix in a bit of blinding jealousy and obsession whilst comparing yourself to someone else and coming off 3rd best. This is standard fayre to the negative thinker. For those of you who really have a bad head a few minutes doing this is just not enough. In order to get yourself in a really dark space your head craves you have to sharpen that obsession for around 6-8 hours. By that stage your head will be satisfied with your complete lack of perspective and you will be nicely hyper ventilating and on the verge of a panic attack. Radio Shit FM has done it's job then and is ready for the night shift.
The Night shift is of course the money shot. The loudest part of Radio Shit FM. It's relentless and loud and naturally forces you to suffer from insomnia and stay up all night. This is where it really fucks you up. The middle of the night is when the head really cuts loose. Tracks such as 'you really are useless', 'everyone else has a better life than you', 'why do I deserve this?' and the 3am favourite 'kill yourself'.
These are of course mixed with the late night phone ins - Radio Shit FM loves you to have multiple voices after all. Then there are the other special Night Shift features such as 'Action replay', where it constantly replays bad incidents from your life over and over again. Then a new feature is added, usually at 4am called 'Social Media'. This is a new edition over the past few years, where they guide you through people's Facebook, Twitter or web pages so you can see how good a life they are having, how an ex is better off with someone else or how bollocks your life is compared to yours.
By this stage Radio Shit FM has got you exactly where it wants you. Of course you can try many things to prevent it or fill up that low self esteem. (none of which work) These include;
- Drink and drugs (short term fix long term destruction and desolation)
- binge eating (short term fix but long term obesity causing more self hatred but the Pringles taste good)
- Pacing around (good for Obesity bad for your carpet)
- Pornography (Potential RSI of the wrist and ultimately ends in dissatisfaction)
- Endless one night stands or twisted sex (satisfies that need to be desired and self destruct - but is tricky to find constantly and ultimately soul destroying)
- Gambling (just very dodgy ground and best to avoid)
- Love (Big subject - I don't love me so if you do I'll be OK. Wrong! Doomed to end in failure)
- Relationships (as above, a very common one this - surely hooking someone in will fill that need in you and make you feel enough? - Yes in short term but placing too much importance in another person will ultimately drain them of any feeling for you and force them to reject you making you feel alone, unhappy and even worse long term.Radio Shit FM will come back worse than ever)
- Outside affirmation (Can be received in many ways - From 'Likes' on Facebook updates, compliment fishing from strangers, members of the opposite sex, appearance or prestige. Ultimately worthless this one. yes of course it's great to get recognised for something good or looking good but if the reason you do those things is for a pat on the back it's just not going to satisfy you. Works for around 2 minutes then you go back to feeling shit again. Next!)
- Power, prestige and money (Not something I have experience of but very common. Easy to feel good about yourself if you earn fuck loads, have a massively important job or are defined by your career. This may work for years but ultimately if you're a piece of shit inside it won't fix it)
- Material goods (Love this. Surely loads of clothes, cars, gadgets and cool stuff will make me feel good? For a few days or hours yes but then it soon wears off. What then? If you are defined by what you own and how you feel the world outside perceives you then you really are a shallow cunt and a piece of shit. Either sell everything or kill yourself)
- Fitness (a tricky one this. Of course being healthy and looking good is commendable. Doing physical goals or tasks can help with motivation self esteem and make you feel good about yourself but if you are doing them to run away from yourself, your head and your feelings it will only make you feel OK for a short while, the process of training will help you avoid your head for a few weeks or months but it will come back. Can be boiled down to running away from yourself - 2 Ironmans and 9 Marathons can testify to this. I know my onions)
- DVD box sets - (A great way to lose yourself and weeks of your life. I hate me so I'll make that box set my family for a while. Again nowt wrong with enjoying something but if you watch back to back series one after the other for 72 hours straight your avoiding life and the head is just waiting until the final episode before it says 'All finished - I'm back again you cunt!!!')
- Group sex and swinging (sounds good doesn't it? Well it isn't. Ultimately soul destroying and dull. Like a cheese and wine party with PVC. Avoid)
- Medication (advisable if doc prescribes it and you have more than just a negative head - like depression or bi polar. seek medical help and don't feel weak for taking it. I know people who's lives depends on it, just don't let a mate or you prescribe yourself.)
- Positive affirmations (Advised by counsellors in the past. Look in the mirror and say I love you' you are good enough. OK in principal but in practice you feel a proper knob and Radio Shit FM just comes on loud and drowns it out with 'No your not your a cunt'. Not for everyone)
- Prayer/God/Faith (Oh God, surely not. Your kidding me right? You know the worst thing about prayer? It's the last thing on the list. The final throw of the dice. When you have exhausted all the other things. Sending up a few prayers to something you don't know exists isn't going to work is it? Well everything else doesn't so why the hell not. May as well give it a go. Guess what. It does work. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not in a direct way you can see. But the annoying thing about prayer, God, Faith, no matter what in, is that the fucking thing does work. It maybe through someone coming into your life to help you (Eskimo) or through a change of mindset or circumstance. Whatever it maybe faith and prayer can certainly help to nourish you inside and change your thinking.
Is it because of messages when I was a kid? Is it because of a dysfunctional childhood? Is it because I'm an alcoholic? Is it because of circumstance?
The answer is who knows. Does it really matter? I know many people with awful childhoods who do not have this head. Alcoholism is an inside job so I know that doesn't help. But I know people who are not alcoholics who have this head. So I guess it's just the way it is. I was born with blue eyes just as I was born with a dodgy head. There is no point running away from it, trying to find out why, bemoaning it.
No, I think the best thing to do is accept it. Shrug it off, say it's there, lots of people have it. Be honest and open about it. Write about it and learn to try and live with it and employ certain things in my life to help it.
Good diet, rest, positive actions, exercise, social life, interests, spiritual connection and thirst for learning all help. Isolation, sloth, drink, drugs and all the other things above I listed do not. It is easy when you are in it to want to self destruct and not look after yourself. After all if you hate yourself so much why on earth would you do good things for yourself or others? It's logical.
So I do not blame or criticise people for their behaviours if they are in it. It's just something some people have. Ultimately though you have to put in some action to arrest it. Change it. Alter it's course. That may take a few hours or days but ultimately it's the only option and it can work.
I have spent 40 years pursuing outside things to fill up the large empty black hole of self hatred and low self esteem. I've been looking in all the wrong places. All along it was inside. It was in me, in a faith. In a higher power. For me it's not in a religious sense. Nor am I being all preachy and wanky here. Just that in my experience in the last couple of weeks I have been thinking long and hard about my head, my patterns of behaviour and what I do because of how I am. It's come as a massive shock. Those who don't know me wouldn't know anything about all this. Even the ones who do rarely know what goes on deep inside.
I hide it well but trust me deep inside is a soul sickness that's so utterly powerful it rules my life and determines my behaviour. It's deep, it's subtle and people can go for years undetected - but it's that low level unhappiness, dissatisfaction and esteem can work. It makes you do behaviours that cause ultimate unhappiness. It's just that some of us hide them better than others and never show the outside world.
This may not last for long and Radio Shit FM may be back tonight or tomorrow and I am sure it will dog me for the rest of my days but just for today it's abated. It's turned off. There is a new noise in town and that's one of openness and light. I can't explain it. I'm not sure what it is. I'm scared it will go and to feel good enough on the inside is a new feeling. Is this nonsense? Will it go? Am I just fooling myself? Don't worry the head is still murmuring and ready to pounce but for now it's locked away like a little gimp in a cage and shan't be let out today.
An American Psychologist William James once wrote something that makes sense to me now. He wrote;
"A man has to be physically, mentally and spiritually crushed until he can take on new ideals. Once he has been placed in that position it is easier to employ new principles. To be crushed is not the end. It is the beginning".
The crushing does not have to be dramatic. A rock bottom in any type of behaviour doesn't have to be the worst dramatic thing. I had so many when I was drinking. Arrests, hospitalisations, fights, arguments, dramas. Yet it wasn't the big thing that brought me down it was just a realisation one day that I was fucked & didn't want to do that anymore.
I have learnt in the last 2 weeks that you can have a rock bottom in other areas of your life. In emotions, Inside. In your head. It doesn't have to be big and bold and dramatic. Just small little pebbles of understanding dropping. Ultimately it's just sometimes you have enough of being the way you are and want to change it. I have been praying for years for a change and it feels that way at the moment. I really hope I'm not tempting fate here and making myself look an idiot and setting myself up for a fall. But right here, right now. Today this is how I feel and I hope it continues.
I love everyone who has a dodgy head. We're all in it together brothers and sisters. You are not alone.
The Nick Evans
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)