“If you don’t know exactly where you are going (and why),that is exactly where you will end up.”
My 'cows arse with a banjo' scatter gun approach to change in 2014 continued today with A Motivational Seminar. A first for me.
So far I have been rattling alot of trees and seeing if anything falls out. In addition to my staple commitment of AA, I have tried Business Debtors Anonymous, Bikram Yoga, Meditation, committed to redoing the Johnny Depp''s (steps), stopped diet coke, thought about stopping smoking (still waiting on that one), been more mindful, juicing, being more positive, finding a job/investment in business and of course writing a daily blog.
Holy fuck. Sounds a lot doesn't it? It's exhausting thinking about it. No wonder my bird, sorry ladies, girlfriend, is wondering where she fits into this new regime. I've told her she fits into the 'juicing' category but the resounding silence meant she clearly didn't find that particular joke funny.
It's a frenzied and rather unmanageable start to the year. I'm sure it will settle down when I get a plan and routine. I suppose I'm just doing what 85% of the population do in January. Starting new regimes with intentions of change only to reject most of them by February filing them in the 'can't be arsed' folder. Right next to the, 'fuck it I'll do it next year', category. I hope not to be one of those.
Before I tell you about my experience at a motivation seminar. I did a medical experiment last night. For those who read this blog daily, you will remember my pork scratching moment in the Odeon Cinema on Sunday. My mates are truly stunned at my 'eating at someone' moment. All they could think whilst reading my commentary of the ridiculous moment was, 'your poor girlfriend'.
I was still unrepentant and in disbelief that eating pork scratchings was that loud. So I filmed myself eating some last night. Just to see if the 'ssssccchhhhh' girl and my girlfriend were actually right. Here's the results;
They were right. It is loud. Not just loud but fucking loud. Like you're eating glass in HD Surround sound. I was wrong. They were right and I apologise unreservedly. I suppose it's a great insight into how I'm wired up. Even when I was out of line my ego was unrepentant and still believed I was in the right.
It took me videoing myself to see how actually wrong I was. You can't argue with the facts. So true on so many levels. The positive thing that came out of it though is I got to eat another bag of Scratchings. All in the name of scientific study of course, plus another example of how my ego sends me way off beam.
So tonight I went to a motivational seminar. I will write more about it tomorrow but the upshot is I left feeling deflated and demotivated. It made me angry, overwhelmed and negative.
How the fuck can a motivational seminar about positive thinking and change leave me feeling negative? It's insane. Now do you see what I'm up against with my negative ego?
How much is it set to negative that when everyone left buzzing and bouncing I left like I was in funeral procession?
I will go into why more tomorrow. It's too late tonight but my head was proper negged out. Similar to my mediation and chanting experience. The ego committee felt threatened and gave me a good kicking tonight.
I'm so not an advert for Motivational seminars tonight. Don't get me wrong the content and quality of the person delivering was outstanding but it really riled me. It asked lots of tough questions about myself, made me realise I pretty much require changing in so many areas and then left me overwhelmed and bewildered as to how. It also brought up a massive confusion as to what my goals are. What I really want. What I want to do in my life. What my dreams are. I couldn't tell.
We did a visualisation exercise and I couldn't decide what my ideal life was. I couldn't decide and felt myself getting more and more angry as the time ticked away. It was at this point when head went and all the old negative uncomfortable ego took over. I was almost powerless over it. The committee took over.
The last 20 minutes were painful, and then when we all linked hands and did loud affirmations together for 5 minutes that seemed like 60, all my head was saying was 'PLEASE STOP THIS SHIT NOW!!!!!'
I think I am the ultimate case for a personal development coach, motivational speaker. If they can crack this negative ego they can do anything. It is a tough nut to crack. Tonight showed me that.
Upon leaving I felt morose, negative and angry. Chasing my head, 'what are you dreams?; 'what do you want to do'. I couldn't answer the questions of course, instead I wanted to act out. I wanted to say 'fuck it' and get it into old habits that feel comfortable.
I'm in a committed relationship so going to a fetish club was out. I'm a recovering alcoholic so drinking or taking drugs was out. Porn wasn't really hitting the straps so what did I come up with?
Drink diet coke and smoke fags of course. Not very rock and roll but sufficiently familiar and bad for me. So I bought 2 bottles and a pack of snouts and started driving home. I called my girlfriend to unload my rather peculiar reaction to a motivational seminar and confessed to my diet coke.
She helped me pour them down the sink. Taking me through the process like she was talking a suicide case down from a bridge. 'Go to the sink, pour them away. It's OK'. God I'm such a massive baby sometimes. It worked though, I didn't drink them and I even got the cigs under 10 tonight (unfortunately 14 in the day though)
So what did I learn? I learnt my negative ego is deeply ingrained. I learnt that when challenged it reacts like a spoilt child. I learnt I am unfocused about my goals and how to achieve them. I learnt that when I can't do something my natural reaction is to want to smash it up. I learnt that I want to self sabotage. That the 'fuck it' button is never far away. I learnt that the only one who can change it is me and I learnt I need lots of help to do it.
I learnt The Inside Job is going to be a monumental challenge and one that won't happen overnight. I also learnt that eating pork scratchings is loud and I learnt I really am wrong about a lot of things but my head convinces me I'm right. Tonight was another case in point.
It's OK though to react that way. What would be the point in glossing over it and lying to myself? If challenged the ego recoils like a wounded animal. 2 hours of a seminar is not going to fix this lifetime habit. It's bound to react with anger. It's OK. That's why I feel good about it. Because just like a child having a hissy fit. You have to let them have the fit otherwise how will they learn it's not good behaviour.
I've had similar reactions to AA, 12 step programmes, meditation, Bikram Yoga. It's all a learning process and very early days. Fuck me, a man who gets negative from a positive thinking seminar clearly has a long way to go.
the good thing is, it reminds me of what someone said to me 12 years ago when I got to AA. They said, "You'll go a long way son". I thought cool, what a nice thing to say. "Why?" I asked, "because you need too", he growled. So very true
That's why I love that quote at the top of the blog. It's me and the root cause of all my frustration, anger, fear, avoidance. If you don't know where your going how do you get there? Tonight really highlighted it for me and made my Ego react that way.
In truth that's why I reckon I'd make a shit hot motivation speaker. Because there is nobody more cynical ,close minded or negative than me. And if I can change I truly believe anyone can. Now all I need is a coach who will help me get there....anyone?.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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