I hate being a beginner. My ego dislikes being a novice. It creates fear, uncertainty and vulnerability.
It also means that it can't feed the 'top ego' of being good at something. Playing into that need for acceptance and superiority. A place this little low self esteem ego maniac likes to be.
Many of us, if we are honest hang on to things we are good at as a means of getting self esteem. I certainly have/do. It can take many forms, Work, wealth, power. I have used women, sexual performance, looks, humour, popularity as a means of getting self esteem. Outside influences.
As a man I need to know. How many of us have refused to ask for directions? It's male pride see. If you add an alcoholic ego maniac on top you have a lethal combination. It usually ends up in being lost. Even then we will defend our rights. We'd rather be lost and keep our stupid male pride in tact than admit defeat.
Being a novice means you have to be humble and patient to learn. At this point it's like being the new kid at school. All those nervous feelings of being down in the pecking order feed into the male psyche so much. My ego has done anything to avoid being in that situation.
A great example is Bikram Yoga. I went for the first time 10 years ago. I was a big old blobby mess. Operating a few pounds above my fighting weight. I rocked up and hadn't a clue how to do it. I looked around at everyone and they all looked like pros. Yoga pants, beads, those little colourful wrist bangles. Everyone was lithe and lean. I looked more like Yoda than Yogi. It was uncomfortable.
My ego immediately went into 'less than' mode, erecting safety barriers as it always does when threatened. 'This is shit'. Being a favourite. 'Fucking wankers', another (straight to judgmental hostility) I hated my way through 90 minutes. Felt a total dunce and never went back for 5 years. My ego would never allow it.
I did the same with AA. I first went when I was 26 in 1998. I had woken up in Leeds, thinking it was London when I lived in Leicester. Yet another blackout, I knew I needed help. I went to see my brother, who was in AA at the time and asked him if I had a drinking problem. He suggested I went to a meeting.
I did. Obviously hated it, thought everyone was a 'wanker', couldn't understand what they were talking about, felt deeply uncomfortable and avoided going for another 3 years. Of course in that time I continued drinking heavily and making a right balls up of my life until I finally admitted defeat and went back to AA, with my tail between my legs and said 'help me!'. Still took another 8 months of fighting though. Such was the alcoholic ego.
And fight it still does. It's still there. It's less than it was but just like depression, or any other mental illness. It lies right between my ears and sometimes it's loud and proud.
That is why so many addicts, alcoholics in recovery (and normal people too - I'm not excluding you or making our case worse here) go on about 'their head'. The madness in the head is so loud sometimes it is quietened by alcohol, drugs or 'acting out'. The old saying alcoholism is in people not in bottles.
Why do you think one of my favourite expressions was 'lets get out of our heads'. It's great to get so utterly wankered you don't have to think. When you get 'out of your head' you don't have to deal in reality. Addicts and alcoholics don't do reality very well. Why do you think most of us bury ourselves in the disease? makes sense right?
So when you stop drinking or taking drugs the disease is still rife in your head. If you don't treat it with a spiritual programme most people either drink again, collect secondary addictions and live in them or commit suicide. The madness in the head is so loud sometimes it's difficult to live with,
Don't get me wrong everyone gets 'busy head days'. Everyone has good days and bad. Everyone has ups and down in life. It's called life. But alcoholics or people affected by alcoholism (I can't speak for mentally ill or other people because I don't have that experience) have an over active mind and personality that sets the head off, that essentially forces people to drink to change their reality, how they feel, to cover up stuff, to boost deficiencies or simply block everything out.
I have used everything to get out of my own head. It used to be alcohol or drugs. But in sobriety I have used Snooker, DVD box sets, pornography, womanising, sex, eating, extreme sports, meetings. Anything that calms the head and stops me thinking about myself. Trouble is I'm usually drawn to the activities that are pleasurable and not very good for me.
There is nothing bad about watching a mucky film. But when it becomes an obsession/habit/addiction it clearly is being used as a means to escape reality. Effectively drinking through the TV screen, if you know what I mean.
So The inside job is an attempt to move away from these habits. To find other ways to get out of my head and move away from 'being in my alcoholic head' too much and away from harmful habits, patterns, thinking.
I guess tonight was a big decision. Macclesfield v Charlton in FA Cup 3rd Round or starting a meditation course? A tough choice.
I know very little about meditation so I'll leave the lecture to Russell Brand. All I know is it is one of the oldest forms in mankind and something I have shunned for years. Too scared to be a novice see. Plus of course how the fuck can you meditate when you've done 3 litres of diet coke, 2 litres of tea, 18 sweeteners and 31 fags. Doesn't fit does it? I wasn't ready.
Now that my body is breaking down, that my old habits aren't working I vowed this year to try something new to 'get out of my head'. Not ketamine, but meditation.
A lovely friend of mine, who is a meditation teacher offered to help set me on the path. We met before Xmas and agreed to start in January. Tonight was the start.
I have been dabbling a bit in the past few weeks, occasionally chanting and meditating a little, but I've never had a teacher or a structured programme.
So I went to her house tonight. We talked, I avoided her cats as I've got an allergy and they make me itch. I didn't think scratching my balls would set the right tone so avoided any contact with the pussy. (Easy tigers)
After 20 mins of hearing about it and why it is good. "Free the mind, get away from ego and intellect, relax the body, open the mind/soul to limitless possibility." I was sold. Where do I sign up? 'can I just not have that without putting in the effort?' I thought to myself.
We began. A 25 minute guided meditation. We sat opposite each other. Doing some breathing exercises to start off with. Always a good idea for a smoker. 'God I could use one right now', I thought. (see how my mind is useful)
I was told to breath in and out with a mantra. To concentrate on the breathing and remind myself of the mantra when I found thoughts coming in. I felt calmer than I did with Johnathon and his spiritual fleece. This was a safe, comfortable surrounding and I felt good. Plus I'd done pretty much fuck all, all day apart from a work meeting and yoga so I wasn't stressed.
We went into the meditation and over the course of 20 mins I felt good. Lots of thoughts entered my mind, 'What shall I have for dinner;, 'will I get that job, ' what shall I write in my blog', 'why did I dream of Harvey Kietel asking me how I did my hair last night'. They were random, but every time I concentrated on my mantra and breathing and got back into a deep meditation. This is good.
Then I had images of childhood come up. I was 4 and crying. I was 12 and my father had left, leaving me confused. I felt I wanted to cry. 'Fucking hell, what was going on here'. Pretty intense.
These thoughts left me, then I felt a joy, a sense of optimism. That things may open up. That soon left too, but now I wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, I couldn't feel my hands or body (similarly to Stephen Hawkin I suppose) and felt a sense of detachment from my physical sense. Holy shit, I hadn't felt like that since those Blue Microdots LSD in 1995. I really did get out of my head for a while.
It ended, and I left. I am to meditate for 20 minutes a day. 10 mins in the morning, 10 at night and stop to do deep breathing in the middle of the day and to be mindful of where I'm at. The aim is to bring your attention to the present. Not the past or future but to what you are doing right now. That will be a new experience for me.
I'm scared I won't keep it up. I'm scared I won't be any good (which is ridiculous, since when have you heard of the world meditation champion. It's a non competitive sport), and I'm scared it won't work for me. What if I stay the same?
However All in all I enjoyed it. The true test will be tomorrow and the day after and so on. It would be great to make it a routine, but I won't put any pressure on myself.
I left feeling secretly chuffed with myself. Thinking, 'I bet my teacher's impressed I didn't move once. newcomers usually wriggle and move. I must be good at this'. Like she gave a toss. It's that ridiculous ego looking for top approval once again.
What does it want. a round of applause and sweet for sitting still and breathing for 25 minutes? You would have thought for a lazy sod like me who likes nothing better than laying around doing nothing, doing nothing would be easy. Let me tell you It's the hardest challenge yet. Far easier to train for an Ironman. Watch this space.
Only another 20 years before I get out of 'novice' territory. Mind you all my ego needs is another 2 lessons before it thinks it's Hari Krishna. It will be telling you how to do it in no time.
Namaste Mother f***ers!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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