Saturday morning. The end of a hectic week and start of a well needed weekend break. But what if you're head doesn't switch off? Is that 'a relaxing break'? Sometimes a break from the head is better than a break from work.
I'm not writing the blog as much at the moment. Why? Well if I'm honest I've had/got some life things going on that I'd love to write about but it's simply not appropriate at this stage.
Many issues and themes are swirling around. Relationships, personal conduct, thought processes, self sabotage, actions, co-dependency, addiction, obsession, neediness, low self esteem, dishonesty, character defects, work, future, life, sex, childhood issues, people pleasing, alcoholism. Christ the list is endless.
Don't think I'm being a self obsessed drama queen here. I'm not. But recent events have brought up so much and made me reflect on where I've been and where I'm at. It's just not appropriate to write publicly about them. Sometimes you face some stark truths about yourself and it is a little overwhelming/scary. Usually they are brought up around romance or finance.
I am beginning to realise that I have been acting in character defects for rather a long time. When you hit 13 years sober. People tend to think because you don't drink and attend a recovery programme that everything is sorted. Oh no! It's only just warming up! You have to get into long term sobriety to really start to understand some deep issues that drive you. That's the stage I'm hitting now. I'm getting to the good stuff!
When you really look under the bonnet you begin to see the subtle character traits and behavioural patterns that have existed since childhood. If you add addiction/alcoholism into the mix it's a powerful set of behavioural patterns that usually don't reveal themselves because they are buried so deep. It takes time to see them and usually you have to be brought to your knees in order to want to do something about it.
I'm not quite on my knees but recent events have made me see a lot about myself and my make up and it's been an eye opener to say the least.
That is not to say that one must fall into naval gazing self serving. That doesn't work either. But when you begin to realise that much of your behaviour has been based upon self centred fear and deep defective characteristics without you even knowing (or maybe you do you just don't want to face them) You are left with a decision. A)Are you ready to do something about them? or B)Suffer the consequences of staying in them?
Change for some, (me included) is something that happens centimetre by agonisingly centimetre. Its a slow process, but that's OK. Change is a journey. It's all really a process. The trouble is the casualties along the way.
The thing about addiction or alcoholism is that the addict is essentially driven by a selfish need. Either for approval, love or affirmation in order to make up for the complete and utter lack of self love and self esteem. Lives are ruined by this in many forms. I don't need to go through the list, but why is it that our divorce rate is so high? Why do we use more anti-depressants than any other country? Why is our drinking rate higher? Or maybe people just go through life unhappy, in a series of failed relationships or dysfunction. Most are not even aware.
There is a dysfunction that goes way beyond the drinking or drug taking. So many subtle forms. Individual, family, structural, society.
This is not self pity or 'poor me', it's fact. I have never felt good enough. My insides have rarely matched my out. For me my life has been one long journey of searching for external things to make me feel better about myself and fill up that yearning 'hole' inside. It's a cliché but true. Whether it comes from childhood, family orientation, addiction or learned behaviour is irrelevant right now.
The need for outside happiness is ultimately a futile existence. Nothing can ever fill it up. No human force or 'thing'. In AA they say that a higher power will. In truth I have fought against that for 13 years. Yes I've done the meetings, prayed to whatever God there is and done what's said on the tin. The result? 13 years of continuous sobriety.
But inside I have rebelled and fought against it. No-one would ever see of course on the surface. But I have fought against this higher power. I'd rather find it in a woman, relationship, food, sex, shopping, money, power, affirmation, popularity - whatever. I've tried them all (other than money and power because I've been a chronic under-earner and waster which is another thing driven from character defects like fear, low self-esteem and sloth)
So where am I going with all this? Well it's the inside job isn't it? That's the reason I wrote this blog. The pain of getting there. I'd love to be graphic and expose the real truth but I have a life to lead, a job to do and people in my life to consider.
That's why therapy, or meetings or counselling are private and anonymous so you can explore these things privately. One doesn't need to put things out publicly. I know my family think I give too much away as it is. Which is a fair shout in some quarters, but I'm still very interested in this shared ideal. This shared recovery. This shared journey to the Inside Job.
I just think it's going to take a little longer than I imagined. How are you fixed for the next 40 years readers?!! Are you in it for the long haul?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Day 153 - Ice Bucket Challenge - For a good cause or a chance to flex the pecks?
The Ice Bucket Challenge appears to be taking over the world. It's gone nuts.
Facebook timelines and social media channels are clogged up with soggy friends having ice cold buckets of water deposited on their noddle.
I was nominated yesterday. I found it a splendid opportunity for those of us who are saddled with chronic vanity and narcissism to rip off the shirt, flex the pecks and get semi naked on social media. All in a good cause.
Brilliant! A Freedom pass to display rampant vanity. This is an opportunity that doesn't come about very often. When you post a selfie with your guns out you quite rightly get tons of abuse for being a twat. That kind of vanity stirs all kind of hatred in people. "What a self obsessed wanker" most people will mutter.
But stick a charity viral social media craze onto it, bolt on a good cause of raising money & awareness for a little known disease and bingo. Those haters cannot hate. It's impossible to have a pop at anyone's vanity if they've bunged £10 into the pot.
It's a very modern fundraiser. Tapping into our endless vanity and 'selfie' obsession generated by social media. We are becoming ever more narcissistic as a society and this taps into it nicely. First we had 'no make up selfie' for breast cancer, then it was 'cock in sock' for testicular cancer. (No chance I was doing that. Not having my tackle in a pop sock laughed at on social media) and now we have 'The Ice Bucket Challenge' for ALS. The idea is that the feeling of ice cold water is as close to the feeling people who suffer with ALS have all the time yet a thousand times worse.
It's perfect for the modern culture. I mean lets face it most of us don't give a shit do we? I mean we say all the right things and donate when we can because we're all decent people, but how many of us knew what it was? How many actually bothered to donate, or actually do anything?
It's not our fault. We live in a world of immediate messages and every expanding distractions. We are constantly bombarded with requests for money. But beyond the normal, "Oh isn't it terrible let's give some money" we move on and go back to our normal lives of essentially thinking about ourselves most of the time. It's the human condition.
Unless you have a family member or someone close who has been affected by a disease it's very unlikely that we will actually give too much attention. After all there are so many diseases and suffering it's impossible to donate or give attention to them all. Plus charities are becoming increasingly sophisticated, clever and aggressive to raise money. The charity space is crowded and there is only a limited amount of money available that people can give. Yet this is a success. Because it's more about US than the charity. Sorry to say the harsh truth.
From my perspective, I've done several marathons and Ironman triathlons for charities and raised several thousands of pounds. So I feel I am able to comment on this. Some of them I've done because I wanted to do the marathon more than raise the money. The charitable money raised was a by product of what was essentially a selfish act. That's what the ice bucket challenge is and it's genius.
Utilising technology, social media and the psyche of modern culture to generate funds and a little awareness. I'm on board with it.
Despite me being cynical and not a 'joiner inner' of modern fads, I was nominated and I felt it a duty to get involved. Plus as I said I had a guilt free opportunity to get the guns out. Perfect.
Plus on a basic human level it does connect friends, people from across the world and celebrities as one. Kind of makes you feel closer as mankind (well, for 5 minutes anyway)
There are of course many knob-heads that fall over, do it on a wall or a quarry and are accidents waiting to happen. That is natural selection. There will always be idiots in this world. That's just the way it goes I'm afraid. Part and parcel of human nature. Plus accidents are accidents - some of which if you search hard on Facebook are fucking hilarious.
It will soon be over. Another few days and our timelines will be back to normal with endless videos of dogs smiling or people exclaiming "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS!!!!!!!
If you are a miserable sod like all my 3 nominations and not do it, be old school and donate quietly.(link below) £48 million in less than a month. Impressive, I think I may have to think up a viral craze to fund a book and speaker tour.
http://www.alsa.org/donate/
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Facebook timelines and social media channels are clogged up with soggy friends having ice cold buckets of water deposited on their noddle.
I was nominated yesterday. I found it a splendid opportunity for those of us who are saddled with chronic vanity and narcissism to rip off the shirt, flex the pecks and get semi naked on social media. All in a good cause.
Brilliant! A Freedom pass to display rampant vanity. This is an opportunity that doesn't come about very often. When you post a selfie with your guns out you quite rightly get tons of abuse for being a twat. That kind of vanity stirs all kind of hatred in people. "What a self obsessed wanker" most people will mutter.
But stick a charity viral social media craze onto it, bolt on a good cause of raising money & awareness for a little known disease and bingo. Those haters cannot hate. It's impossible to have a pop at anyone's vanity if they've bunged £10 into the pot.
It's a very modern fundraiser. Tapping into our endless vanity and 'selfie' obsession generated by social media. We are becoming ever more narcissistic as a society and this taps into it nicely. First we had 'no make up selfie' for breast cancer, then it was 'cock in sock' for testicular cancer. (No chance I was doing that. Not having my tackle in a pop sock laughed at on social media) and now we have 'The Ice Bucket Challenge' for ALS. The idea is that the feeling of ice cold water is as close to the feeling people who suffer with ALS have all the time yet a thousand times worse.
It's perfect for the modern culture. I mean lets face it most of us don't give a shit do we? I mean we say all the right things and donate when we can because we're all decent people, but how many of us knew what it was? How many actually bothered to donate, or actually do anything?
It's not our fault. We live in a world of immediate messages and every expanding distractions. We are constantly bombarded with requests for money. But beyond the normal, "Oh isn't it terrible let's give some money" we move on and go back to our normal lives of essentially thinking about ourselves most of the time. It's the human condition.
Unless you have a family member or someone close who has been affected by a disease it's very unlikely that we will actually give too much attention. After all there are so many diseases and suffering it's impossible to donate or give attention to them all. Plus charities are becoming increasingly sophisticated, clever and aggressive to raise money. The charity space is crowded and there is only a limited amount of money available that people can give. Yet this is a success. Because it's more about US than the charity. Sorry to say the harsh truth.
From my perspective, I've done several marathons and Ironman triathlons for charities and raised several thousands of pounds. So I feel I am able to comment on this. Some of them I've done because I wanted to do the marathon more than raise the money. The charitable money raised was a by product of what was essentially a selfish act. That's what the ice bucket challenge is and it's genius.
Utilising technology, social media and the psyche of modern culture to generate funds and a little awareness. I'm on board with it.
Despite me being cynical and not a 'joiner inner' of modern fads, I was nominated and I felt it a duty to get involved. Plus as I said I had a guilt free opportunity to get the guns out. Perfect.
Plus on a basic human level it does connect friends, people from across the world and celebrities as one. Kind of makes you feel closer as mankind (well, for 5 minutes anyway)
There are of course many knob-heads that fall over, do it on a wall or a quarry and are accidents waiting to happen. That is natural selection. There will always be idiots in this world. That's just the way it goes I'm afraid. Part and parcel of human nature. Plus accidents are accidents - some of which if you search hard on Facebook are fucking hilarious.
It will soon be over. Another few days and our timelines will be back to normal with endless videos of dogs smiling or people exclaiming "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS!!!!!!!
If you are a miserable sod like all my 3 nominations and not do it, be old school and donate quietly.(link below) £48 million in less than a month. Impressive, I think I may have to think up a viral craze to fund a book and speaker tour.
http://www.alsa.org/donate/
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Day 152 - Restored to Sanity.....for now
Quick entry today, I usually like a long slow build up with a frenzied end, but that's a different story.
Head's been rather busy. Lot's going on inside. The pressure cooker of the past month finally caught up with me. Radio Nick FM was in full stereo.
Only by getting to my regular men's meeting tonight did the noise switch off and sanity was restored........until the next time.
Non alcoholics will identify. We all get the inner voice and chatter. Questioning, thinking, plotting, reacting, judging.
But alcoholics/addicts/alanons will REALLY identify. When the body is weak, or illness has prevailed or when you are run down, busy, tired or just have had a shit load going on, when you are low in the tank of meetings - These are the perfect conditions for the alcoholic mind to run away with itself and go on full throttle.
When I was a boy, around 10 years old, I remember my Father, a raging alcoholic, would have arguments in the back garden. He was alone. Having loud and animated discussions with imaginary people. Usually bosses from work and the discussions would always end in 'you fucking wankers'. Classic alcoholic. Full of resentment. It's why they tell us to 'let it go' in AA.
The only difference between me (in recovery) and him (Not) is that my arguments stay in my head. I get all the resentments, justifiable anger, pity, fear, worries, obsessions that most get, it's just with the mental side of alcoholism it is amplified ten times over. It can be incessant at times.
With so much life stuff going on, decisions to be made, emotional trauma of the past few weeks, I found myself trying to work everything out. A dangerous situation for alcoholics.
My head was cascading full of the past, the present and the future. I was trying to work things out. At one point I was skipping between running over the past 8 years of wasted opportunities, castigating myself for not being smart with money or taking my career more seriously, or trying to earn decent money, or taking responsibility in my life.
Then it hurtled forward several years trying to figure out if I would be able to earn enough to get married and have kids. Projecting not only my future but my imaginary wife, kids and family's too. Then I castigated myself for a lack of pension and planning. Then the self hatred tried to creep in. Once I got a handle on that I started making up conversations with people at work over situations that hadn't even happened yet. I was doing their thinking for them. The mind was in full flight form reality.
It's a weird form of insanity. Living in the past and creating people's reactions to perceived events that hadn't even happened. It's like mind reading but without the reading or the mind. It is almost always usually incorrect. But since when have facts and rational patient judgment got in the way of good old alcoholic set of resentments?
All this was going on and I was trying to think of a 4 year strategy for my job, figure out ways to do a sideline business, when to do a comedy night again and what to write today. It just went on and on.
At one point I honestly thought someone on the tube would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me but do you mind telling your brain to be quiet." It was noisy in there.
I carried on at work without anyone knowing of course. Doing my meetings, getting on with business. I have learnt to separate it these days. I am professional and even if the cracker factory was busy I ground out a decent day's work.
I had a great work meeting with someone I respect and was able to speak openly and freely. What a blessed relief. My month has been full of not being able to do that and it felt like breathing fresh air for the first time. Thank God.
Then I went to my regular Mens AA meeting, heard what I needed to hear, identified with other people who also grassed up their lunatic minds, shared mine and I felt calm again. Normal. Human. sanity restored.
Its odd. Sanity is restored by a room full of insane people all trying to get sane by being honest. There is no editing, not saying what the truth is or denying reality. It is open, honest and willing and I love that. When I get out of my way then life is OK. Thank God for AA. The spark is back.
It's hard trying to run the whole show and figure everything out. Especially when you haven't got a massive brain. I don't know why I try and do it so much. It nearly always end in some kind of short circuiting.
Anyway, fuck that. It's OK now. No damage done. No harm to others. No nuclear fall out. Just a loud day in the inside of my head. Big deal/ People are getting beheaded out there The middle East is at war. The world is going insane. Why on earth should my dull self induced madness hold any weight?
I feel guilty sharing it when there is so much 'big shit' going on. But you know what? If it stays in that cracker factory it will rot, fester, disease, multiply and grow until it becomes the sort of problem only self destruction will appeal. Then no amount of 'big shit' going on in the world will matter. That is how my lack of perspective originates.
That's why I share it
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Head's been rather busy. Lot's going on inside. The pressure cooker of the past month finally caught up with me. Radio Nick FM was in full stereo.
Only by getting to my regular men's meeting tonight did the noise switch off and sanity was restored........until the next time.
Non alcoholics will identify. We all get the inner voice and chatter. Questioning, thinking, plotting, reacting, judging.
But alcoholics/addicts/alanons will REALLY identify. When the body is weak, or illness has prevailed or when you are run down, busy, tired or just have had a shit load going on, when you are low in the tank of meetings - These are the perfect conditions for the alcoholic mind to run away with itself and go on full throttle.
When I was a boy, around 10 years old, I remember my Father, a raging alcoholic, would have arguments in the back garden. He was alone. Having loud and animated discussions with imaginary people. Usually bosses from work and the discussions would always end in 'you fucking wankers'. Classic alcoholic. Full of resentment. It's why they tell us to 'let it go' in AA.
The only difference between me (in recovery) and him (Not) is that my arguments stay in my head. I get all the resentments, justifiable anger, pity, fear, worries, obsessions that most get, it's just with the mental side of alcoholism it is amplified ten times over. It can be incessant at times.
With so much life stuff going on, decisions to be made, emotional trauma of the past few weeks, I found myself trying to work everything out. A dangerous situation for alcoholics.
My head was cascading full of the past, the present and the future. I was trying to work things out. At one point I was skipping between running over the past 8 years of wasted opportunities, castigating myself for not being smart with money or taking my career more seriously, or trying to earn decent money, or taking responsibility in my life.
Then it hurtled forward several years trying to figure out if I would be able to earn enough to get married and have kids. Projecting not only my future but my imaginary wife, kids and family's too. Then I castigated myself for a lack of pension and planning. Then the self hatred tried to creep in. Once I got a handle on that I started making up conversations with people at work over situations that hadn't even happened yet. I was doing their thinking for them. The mind was in full flight form reality.
It's a weird form of insanity. Living in the past and creating people's reactions to perceived events that hadn't even happened. It's like mind reading but without the reading or the mind. It is almost always usually incorrect. But since when have facts and rational patient judgment got in the way of good old alcoholic set of resentments?
All this was going on and I was trying to think of a 4 year strategy for my job, figure out ways to do a sideline business, when to do a comedy night again and what to write today. It just went on and on.
At one point I honestly thought someone on the tube would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me but do you mind telling your brain to be quiet." It was noisy in there.
I carried on at work without anyone knowing of course. Doing my meetings, getting on with business. I have learnt to separate it these days. I am professional and even if the cracker factory was busy I ground out a decent day's work.
I had a great work meeting with someone I respect and was able to speak openly and freely. What a blessed relief. My month has been full of not being able to do that and it felt like breathing fresh air for the first time. Thank God.
Then I went to my regular Mens AA meeting, heard what I needed to hear, identified with other people who also grassed up their lunatic minds, shared mine and I felt calm again. Normal. Human. sanity restored.
Its odd. Sanity is restored by a room full of insane people all trying to get sane by being honest. There is no editing, not saying what the truth is or denying reality. It is open, honest and willing and I love that. When I get out of my way then life is OK. Thank God for AA. The spark is back.
It's hard trying to run the whole show and figure everything out. Especially when you haven't got a massive brain. I don't know why I try and do it so much. It nearly always end in some kind of short circuiting.
Anyway, fuck that. It's OK now. No damage done. No harm to others. No nuclear fall out. Just a loud day in the inside of my head. Big deal/ People are getting beheaded out there The middle East is at war. The world is going insane. Why on earth should my dull self induced madness hold any weight?
I feel guilty sharing it when there is so much 'big shit' going on. But you know what? If it stays in that cracker factory it will rot, fester, disease, multiply and grow until it becomes the sort of problem only self destruction will appeal. Then no amount of 'big shit' going on in the world will matter. That is how my lack of perspective originates.
That's why I share it
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Day 151 - The Blog is Back and so much has happened.....
Finally I've decided to write again. It's been a month. So much has happened and if I'm honest it's been hard to pick up the keyboard and begin writing again. Why is it so much easier to get out of a habit than it is to stay in one?
Still, I'm back. I'm writing and it's the return of The Inside Job. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. I've had very little outside affirmation to feed off. A disgrace for a chronic co-dependant.
I took a break because I went away to work at The Commonwealth Games. One of the stipulations of the contract was no social media. I didn't have the time anyway. Two weeks of 16-17 hour days would have made writing impossible. God I missed posting selfies on Facebook though and writing what I was up to. It felt like 1995 all over again. No updates, no Facebook. No social media. Weird. It meant I had to actually be present and live in the moment. Terrible for the modern generation of digital junkies.
The Games were an incredible experience. Racing around sports, hosting people, showing them inside the camp, interviewing England's finest athletes, networking (I hate that word), chatting up sponsors, companies and generally being Mr Chirpy. I would urge anyone to go and experience them next time.
Mind you, Two weeks of relentless enthusiasm, chatting and being around people takes it's toll. Especially for a raging alcoholic. You have to separate out your alcoholic mind from reality and get on with things. There is no room or time for self reflection or naval gazing. You have to be constantly up, host large groups and play your role in a team. Exhausting being 'on' all the time.
It is my first time in a major sporting event and it was like a bubble. The outside world didn't exist. You have no concept of what day it is or life outside the bubble. The routine is check into hotel, don team kit (chinos or tracksuit) and you instantly become one of the team. Then it is up early, host groups to several sports, tour of the village, tour of the performance centres, more sports, then to a late night hang out to interview athletes to a rowdy group of 100 people, then back to the hotel room at 2am ready to go again at 8 the next morning.
I got by on a mixture of adrenaline, enthusiasm, caffeine, nicotine, excitement and beige chinos. I loved it (apart form the chinos). My perfect job. Who could complain about watching loads of heroic sports people and talking about it all day? Just like the Olympics it was devoid of cynicism and negativity. It made for a refreshing change.
My highlight was interviewing the Brownlee Brothers and getting their respect for being a double Ironman. One thing I had over them. Though as I pointed out, if they chose to do it they would probably do it in half the time on less cigarettes. I also walked past Prince Edward and said 'hey buddy' without realising it was him until I was told afterwards. Nothing like a bit of informality to royalty. Knob (me not him, he's actually charming. Sorry)
I also interviewed cyclists, weight-lifters, judo, wrestlers, table tennis players, runners and triathletes. All gold medal winners. I felt at home with them, as I shared my Maidenhead Under 13's Player of the Year tankard tales with these multiple Olympic and Commonwealth Games heroes.
I did it all without feeling less than or inferior. I did it with a smile and had fun, all at the end of a 16 hour day. Not bad for this little lunatic.
I decided to go in with a great attitude. My ego was twitching at me throughout though. Not being the main guvonor and organiser was always recipe for the ego to nag away. I was a worker amongst workers but it's hard to keep the raging ego under control sometimes. Especially when you think you can do better.
I had to watch the chatter in my head and two rock solid Glasgow meetings helped. It was an extraordinarily welcoming and friendly environment. I walked into a run down Community centre in the middle of Govan, a rough part of Glasgow in full England team-wear, the taxi driver even asked, 'are you sure you want to be dropped off here?' But I got an amazing welcome. Lots of handshakes and it made me think about London and my behaviour in meetings and generally. How friendly am I? How much do I reach out for others? Glasgow was so friendly it made me think how miserable and cold London is. It's like we all get into our own little 'fuck you' bubble when we hit the capital. Glasgow was the opposite.
After 2 weeks though, I was ready to come home. Very little sleep and keeping my mouth shut at resentments and things that had built up were exhausting. I managed to retain my poise and not fall out, say the truth, lose my temper or run people down (too much) but I needed to escape and iron out my alcoholic head at home.
I got back to London just under 2 weeks ago. I needed to rest, and it took my 3 days, lots of meetings, talking to my sober warriors and a couple of step 10's before the chatter in my head quietened down. The resentments eased, I saw my ego playing out and got it to manageable levels. Took a while though. I was like a shirt that had been crumpled in the corner and it took a few goes to iron it out smoothly. That's how I felt coming home.
That is the case for the alcoholic mind, when not treated it just accumulates and gets noisier, louder and more resentful until you're in right old state. At that point acting out, getting angry or drinking are good alternatives. Such is the nature of alcoholism. It needed to be treated. That's why I need, want and am a fan of 'the programme'. In truth i'd be stuffed without it.
I got sick after a few days. A nasty urinary infection. Luckily not from doing inappropriate things this time. (I must be changing I guess) but it wiped me out for a few days. Illness and being a man is a lethal combination.
I also passed 13 years sober, which was pretty remarkable. I never go overboard about these things as I put my sobriety down to a higher power not me. I hated AA so much at the start, if it was left to me in my first few years i'd never have gone to AA. Therefore my sobriety is down to something higher, not me. It is the one thing i'm not egotistical about.
It's still a good effort though and i'm pretty pleased to be in the sober gang, (seep previous paragraph as to why) - Long may it continue.
Then Robin Williams tragically killed himself. Cue big dramatic world reaction on news and social media. Enough has been written and said about it. I cant really add too much more. I don't know the full facts to make a reasonable comment. Was it bi-polar? Was it untreated alcoholism? Was it Parkinsons? Was it severe depression? Who knows - in fact why do we need to know a reason or answer? Is it to complete the story? It's like we need to blame or justify everything. There must be answer. Why. We need to know why?!! Why do we need to know why? What if there isn't an answer?
Truth is we will never know. Not even the ones closest to him will know. Here was an incredibly talented, funny, warm and generous individual who made the world laugh and brought joy to millions of people. Yet he couldn't tap into this and must have visited the darkest place. Some say he was a coward for killing himself. My experience of listening to many people who have tried, all of them said "I was too much of a coward to actually go through with it." Just goes to show how little people who make judgments know. He most definitely wasn't a coward. That much s true. Rest easy Robin. We love you down here.
There is too much ignorance, misinformation and judgment around. We live in a world obsessed by it and it is fed everyday by us even when we don't know we're doing it. Social media, comment, sharing, writing all adds to it and we are all part of the great big carousel. Me included.
Then my girlfriend went into hospital to have a tumor removed, so I've been on Dr Kildare duty the past few days. Keeping relentlessly cheerful and upbeat as the poor girl went through the whole terror, fear, worry, emotion, upset and then finally a sense of peace and calm before the operation.
It is incredible to see someone when they are at peace with themselves and the world. Only people close to death and have made friends with it tend to have that sense of calm. It is so powerful.
Anyway, she had the operation, 5 hours to remove it and I went to see her in intensive care after which shocked me. I knew she would be OK but when you see someone you love with a tube in their mouth surrounded by machines, looking so powerless and vulnerable it's deeply upsetting. You think 'what if she doesn't make it?' - that's when it hits you.
She was awake but out of it and I composed myself and started cracking jokes. I could see her trying to smile and laugh even with the tube in her mouth. I offered to replace it with something else but i'm not sure she was in the mood/fit state. But it makes my heart bleed when I see people so helpless. It made me cry.
I'm happy to report she has made a remarkably quick recovery and is in a normal ward. Free from caffata, morphine ( I did want to take the self administered drip home with me) and is up and about. People who have had major invasive surgery seem to have a different attitude when they come out. Like all the little things don't matter anymore. Intensive care really puts things into perspective.
I am a total rock at times like these and i'm generally excellent at caring for people. I know how I would want to be treated and giving people dignity and respect along with treating them normally is so important. At least that's what I do anyway. She is remarkable and it is incredible to see someone display a great attitude that aids the healing process. I must remember to apply that to my life. She has taught me a great deal.
Finally, I was offered a full time job after doing well over the last 6 months. I went in and gave it everything I had. I know it was a recovery job and i'm convinced it's been given to my by a higher power and the more I put into my recovery and more action I take, the more I am given jobs like this. I'm pretty happy, though it's around £500,000 a year too little but such is life.
If I could find a job that helps people and pays half a mill, i'd be delighted. That way I can feed my conscience and ego at the same time. Let me know if you hear of anything readers.
I have learnt so much about myself, my head, my ego, my alcoholism and people in the past few weeks.
I have learnt to back yourself. I have learnt I am rather good at what I do. I have learnt I can be derailed by negative alcoholic egoic thoughts that make my life and other's difficult and I have learnt to do recovery and not to be embarrassed or rebellious around it. I have learnt that if i'm me then everything is OK. I have learnt we are mortal and life is precious and I have learnt that I am more loved than I think.
I have also learnt I am next of kin to 2 ex-girlfriends, a current girlfriend and mother. Surely that's some kind of record. I just hope they don't all pop off at the same time.
It's good to be back
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
Still, I'm back. I'm writing and it's the return of The Inside Job. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. I've had very little outside affirmation to feed off. A disgrace for a chronic co-dependant.
I took a break because I went away to work at The Commonwealth Games. One of the stipulations of the contract was no social media. I didn't have the time anyway. Two weeks of 16-17 hour days would have made writing impossible. God I missed posting selfies on Facebook though and writing what I was up to. It felt like 1995 all over again. No updates, no Facebook. No social media. Weird. It meant I had to actually be present and live in the moment. Terrible for the modern generation of digital junkies.
The Games were an incredible experience. Racing around sports, hosting people, showing them inside the camp, interviewing England's finest athletes, networking (I hate that word), chatting up sponsors, companies and generally being Mr Chirpy. I would urge anyone to go and experience them next time.
Mind you, Two weeks of relentless enthusiasm, chatting and being around people takes it's toll. Especially for a raging alcoholic. You have to separate out your alcoholic mind from reality and get on with things. There is no room or time for self reflection or naval gazing. You have to be constantly up, host large groups and play your role in a team. Exhausting being 'on' all the time.
It is my first time in a major sporting event and it was like a bubble. The outside world didn't exist. You have no concept of what day it is or life outside the bubble. The routine is check into hotel, don team kit (chinos or tracksuit) and you instantly become one of the team. Then it is up early, host groups to several sports, tour of the village, tour of the performance centres, more sports, then to a late night hang out to interview athletes to a rowdy group of 100 people, then back to the hotel room at 2am ready to go again at 8 the next morning.
I got by on a mixture of adrenaline, enthusiasm, caffeine, nicotine, excitement and beige chinos. I loved it (apart form the chinos). My perfect job. Who could complain about watching loads of heroic sports people and talking about it all day? Just like the Olympics it was devoid of cynicism and negativity. It made for a refreshing change.
My highlight was interviewing the Brownlee Brothers and getting their respect for being a double Ironman. One thing I had over them. Though as I pointed out, if they chose to do it they would probably do it in half the time on less cigarettes. I also walked past Prince Edward and said 'hey buddy' without realising it was him until I was told afterwards. Nothing like a bit of informality to royalty. Knob (me not him, he's actually charming. Sorry)
I also interviewed cyclists, weight-lifters, judo, wrestlers, table tennis players, runners and triathletes. All gold medal winners. I felt at home with them, as I shared my Maidenhead Under 13's Player of the Year tankard tales with these multiple Olympic and Commonwealth Games heroes.
I did it all without feeling less than or inferior. I did it with a smile and had fun, all at the end of a 16 hour day. Not bad for this little lunatic.
I decided to go in with a great attitude. My ego was twitching at me throughout though. Not being the main guvonor and organiser was always recipe for the ego to nag away. I was a worker amongst workers but it's hard to keep the raging ego under control sometimes. Especially when you think you can do better.
I had to watch the chatter in my head and two rock solid Glasgow meetings helped. It was an extraordinarily welcoming and friendly environment. I walked into a run down Community centre in the middle of Govan, a rough part of Glasgow in full England team-wear, the taxi driver even asked, 'are you sure you want to be dropped off here?' But I got an amazing welcome. Lots of handshakes and it made me think about London and my behaviour in meetings and generally. How friendly am I? How much do I reach out for others? Glasgow was so friendly it made me think how miserable and cold London is. It's like we all get into our own little 'fuck you' bubble when we hit the capital. Glasgow was the opposite.
After 2 weeks though, I was ready to come home. Very little sleep and keeping my mouth shut at resentments and things that had built up were exhausting. I managed to retain my poise and not fall out, say the truth, lose my temper or run people down (too much) but I needed to escape and iron out my alcoholic head at home.
I got back to London just under 2 weeks ago. I needed to rest, and it took my 3 days, lots of meetings, talking to my sober warriors and a couple of step 10's before the chatter in my head quietened down. The resentments eased, I saw my ego playing out and got it to manageable levels. Took a while though. I was like a shirt that had been crumpled in the corner and it took a few goes to iron it out smoothly. That's how I felt coming home.
That is the case for the alcoholic mind, when not treated it just accumulates and gets noisier, louder and more resentful until you're in right old state. At that point acting out, getting angry or drinking are good alternatives. Such is the nature of alcoholism. It needed to be treated. That's why I need, want and am a fan of 'the programme'. In truth i'd be stuffed without it.
I got sick after a few days. A nasty urinary infection. Luckily not from doing inappropriate things this time. (I must be changing I guess) but it wiped me out for a few days. Illness and being a man is a lethal combination.
I also passed 13 years sober, which was pretty remarkable. I never go overboard about these things as I put my sobriety down to a higher power not me. I hated AA so much at the start, if it was left to me in my first few years i'd never have gone to AA. Therefore my sobriety is down to something higher, not me. It is the one thing i'm not egotistical about.
It's still a good effort though and i'm pretty pleased to be in the sober gang, (seep previous paragraph as to why) - Long may it continue.
Then Robin Williams tragically killed himself. Cue big dramatic world reaction on news and social media. Enough has been written and said about it. I cant really add too much more. I don't know the full facts to make a reasonable comment. Was it bi-polar? Was it untreated alcoholism? Was it Parkinsons? Was it severe depression? Who knows - in fact why do we need to know a reason or answer? Is it to complete the story? It's like we need to blame or justify everything. There must be answer. Why. We need to know why?!! Why do we need to know why? What if there isn't an answer?
Truth is we will never know. Not even the ones closest to him will know. Here was an incredibly talented, funny, warm and generous individual who made the world laugh and brought joy to millions of people. Yet he couldn't tap into this and must have visited the darkest place. Some say he was a coward for killing himself. My experience of listening to many people who have tried, all of them said "I was too much of a coward to actually go through with it." Just goes to show how little people who make judgments know. He most definitely wasn't a coward. That much s true. Rest easy Robin. We love you down here.
There is too much ignorance, misinformation and judgment around. We live in a world obsessed by it and it is fed everyday by us even when we don't know we're doing it. Social media, comment, sharing, writing all adds to it and we are all part of the great big carousel. Me included.
Then my girlfriend went into hospital to have a tumor removed, so I've been on Dr Kildare duty the past few days. Keeping relentlessly cheerful and upbeat as the poor girl went through the whole terror, fear, worry, emotion, upset and then finally a sense of peace and calm before the operation.
It is incredible to see someone when they are at peace with themselves and the world. Only people close to death and have made friends with it tend to have that sense of calm. It is so powerful.
Anyway, she had the operation, 5 hours to remove it and I went to see her in intensive care after which shocked me. I knew she would be OK but when you see someone you love with a tube in their mouth surrounded by machines, looking so powerless and vulnerable it's deeply upsetting. You think 'what if she doesn't make it?' - that's when it hits you.
She was awake but out of it and I composed myself and started cracking jokes. I could see her trying to smile and laugh even with the tube in her mouth. I offered to replace it with something else but i'm not sure she was in the mood/fit state. But it makes my heart bleed when I see people so helpless. It made me cry.
I'm happy to report she has made a remarkably quick recovery and is in a normal ward. Free from caffata, morphine ( I did want to take the self administered drip home with me) and is up and about. People who have had major invasive surgery seem to have a different attitude when they come out. Like all the little things don't matter anymore. Intensive care really puts things into perspective.
I am a total rock at times like these and i'm generally excellent at caring for people. I know how I would want to be treated and giving people dignity and respect along with treating them normally is so important. At least that's what I do anyway. She is remarkable and it is incredible to see someone display a great attitude that aids the healing process. I must remember to apply that to my life. She has taught me a great deal.
Finally, I was offered a full time job after doing well over the last 6 months. I went in and gave it everything I had. I know it was a recovery job and i'm convinced it's been given to my by a higher power and the more I put into my recovery and more action I take, the more I am given jobs like this. I'm pretty happy, though it's around £500,000 a year too little but such is life.
If I could find a job that helps people and pays half a mill, i'd be delighted. That way I can feed my conscience and ego at the same time. Let me know if you hear of anything readers.
I have learnt so much about myself, my head, my ego, my alcoholism and people in the past few weeks.
I have learnt to back yourself. I have learnt I am rather good at what I do. I have learnt I can be derailed by negative alcoholic egoic thoughts that make my life and other's difficult and I have learnt to do recovery and not to be embarrassed or rebellious around it. I have learnt that if i'm me then everything is OK. I have learnt we are mortal and life is precious and I have learnt that I am more loved than I think.
I have also learnt I am next of kin to 2 ex-girlfriends, a current girlfriend and mother. Surely that's some kind of record. I just hope they don't all pop off at the same time.
It's good to be back
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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