Not the minor little niggle of low self esteem mind, but the huge juggernaut that tramples on good things and effects life. It's particularly bad today.
Sure, we all get days when we feel down, or doubt ourselves or suffer a confidence dip. That's perfectly normal. It's part of the human experience. But for low self-esteemers like myself, who suffer from it like it's a mental illness, it can really screw things up.
I'm always wary of posting this kind of thing, but then again that's a side effect of low self esteem. Being overly concerned how people view you and wanting to be liked, loved and praised all the time. it's called people pleasing.
This is not meant as a pity party. Nor am I trying to claim I have it worse than others. I am not trying to palm off low self esteem as worse than depression or other mental health issues nor am I trying to isolate low self esteem on it's own as the route of all problems. It can join forces with other extended family members like pride, fear, anxiety and high ego to become a super cluster fuck of negative forces. I know what wallowing in self pity looks like and it's difficult to listen and be around before you just want to say, "Oh for fucks sake."
Firstly what actually is low self esteem?
"Believing that there is something innately wrong with themselves, these low self esteem sufferers experience self-esteem attacks (often called panic attacks) when they do something they deem to have been stupid, something they think others have noticed, and something that confirms their own feelings of inadequacy"
But How do you know if you have low self esteem? What are the Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem. Here is a list from a Doctor who writes about low self esteem. I have some. Perhaps we all do?
- Social withdrawal - Not really. But I do isolate at times. Even in crowds or I do what I need to do then slope off to be on my own. Why can't I be more sociable and feel comfortable with that?
- Anxiety and emotional turmoil - not anxiety but mild emotional turmoil. At some points usually around romance or romance.
- Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness - self confidence is fragile and can be gained from external forces. What happens when they disappear or turn on you? Fooked then!
- Less social conformity - not really though I've always railed against conventional life.
- Eating disorders - yup. On and off for around 6 years.
- Inability to accept compliments - yup. Although I love the attention the compliments stopped working yeas ago.
- An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself - yup
- Accentuating the negative - yup
- Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think - yup
- Self neglect - fuck yes
- Treating yourself badly but NOT other people - I'm afraid so.
- Worrying whether you have treated others badly - sometimes yes sometimes no.
- Reluctance to take on challenges - not physical ones, but I wont do them as well as I can. Self sabotage.
- Reluctance to put yourself first or anywhere. - yup, though it's a weird one mixed with alcoholism as the self centred behaviour is polar opposite.
- Reluctance to trust your own opinion - yup
- Expecting little out of life for yourself. - in some cases yes. Settling for second best
When it gets really bad, at times you think of yourself as the biggest piece of shit in the universe. Then of course you are lost in pure ego and pride and self pity. It is misshapen and the ego has taken over. You're not that important nor the centre of the universe but your mind is telling you that. That's maxing out on it. Then of course you're going to want to smash yourself to pieces. Self neglect or sabotage seems natural. It's heart-breaking to see and difficult to get out of this pattern if you're in it.
Low self esteem doesn't have to be so destructive and loud all the time though. it can be just a daily 'thing'. You become so used to self hatred it just becomes a fabric of your inner dialogue. Only sometimes does it get too loud & disable you. The rest of the time it's just low level noise in the background subtly controlling your thoughts and behaviour.
- Go for that job? "You'll never get it. You're not qualified" It will tell you.
- She's a nice girl and likes you. Perhaps you can have a relationship - "I'll only hurt her by sleeping around. Besides she's too nice and that's boring."
- You need to put some work in to your CV and business"Have another cigarette and cup of tea and put off doing that thing"
- Why don't you write a book? "Fuck that. That means you have to be disciplined and work hard. Watch porn instead"
The list goes on ad infinitum.
The reason I have done Ironman triathlons is to try and make myself feel like a real man and strong deep down. Nether which I've felt since I was young.
The reason I have womanised throughout the past 12 years in sobriety and acted in sex addiction was to make myself feel better about myself and boost my esteem.
The reason I tried to turn myself into the best lover in the world (ego) was to make myself feel better about me. It worked for a while. Not really so much now.
I have put myself in positions sexually to feel powerful and amazing. I've also put myself in painful positions that have fed my chronic low esteem and self hatred to show evidence it is real. Ever failed to get it up when the pressure's on? When you've staked your entire human esteem and ego on being a legendary swordsman and that happens. You are truly fucked. That's a world of pain right there as male pride combines with self hatred to give you a battering. Even worse when she goes off to a lover more hung than you to get what she needs. That's a triple world of pain. Ouch.
The reason I tried to get a 6 pack and muscles was to make myself feel good and worthy and strong. It worked for a bit but I still felt weak and like a little boy inside sometimes.
I often say. I am 6ft 2 but frequently feel 5ft 7 inside. I just don't match up. Which is puzzling. Low self esteem
I've had it since I was young. I covered it up of course. But I never felt I matched up to my Dad and eldest brother from youth. I always felt less than them. Trouble is I was a legend in my Mum's eyes and the family's as the youngest of 3 boys. The baby. So I got used to attention. I felt I was entitled. When I didn't get it, the less than feelings became strong. It was conflicting and confusing. Still is.
At school I wanted to be number 1 but covered up feeling number 1000. But other days above everyone. Then the drinking and drugs started and made it all worse.
In sobriety I've learnt many things including this low self esteem. I've been happy at times, usually because of outside influences but underneath I knew a nagging truth. As if the low esteem was whispering. "You know you're a piece of shit. This is temporary sticking plaster. I'm patient. I'll get you in the end. Your fixes will only last so long."
Well, It feels as if they have come home to roost. The outside fix isn't working as-well as it did at 5 or 10 years sober.
I'm 44 years old. 15 years sober. Out of work, trying to figure out what to do with my life. No huge savings. No massive house with a mortgage. No kids. No wife. No book. No real 10 year plan how to reinvent my life. I'm 15 years sober and the fixes aren't working as they once did. I'm at a cross roads and I am finding it difficult to alter these. Deep down I don't want to and not even sure I can. But the alternative is this aching low self esteem devouring everything in it's path.
How long will I let it run me? How can it be stopped? Although I stress it's not like it every day. Just struck me today how much it has affected my life.
Yes I know. Cognitive behavioural Therapy can help. Reprogramming your brain. How you talk to yourself. What you eat, sleep, looking after the mental and physical health is important as is a way to talk about it, so one can make a change.
I can also as they say do esteemable things. This can work. I do plenty of service and help others, but as earlier, a common characteristic is sorting out others before yourself. Deep down i'm not a huge fan of myself and have spent all my life running away from myself or trying to 'fix' me.
I started The Inside Job, 5 years ago on this very subject. I didn't realise it would take me this long to realise. The pain now is trying to turn it round when my lower self and deep instinct is to stay as I am.
Scared to let go of the familiar. Can't live with it can't live without it. Its a painful place, but it will pass and re-doubling efforts and facing up to some stark painful facts about oneself is the first step on the journey of being comfortable with The Inside Job.
Who's with me on the journey?
TNE
x
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