So much has happened, so much is different, yet so much is the same. I'm still smoking, drinking diet coke, swearing too much, chewing too much gum, eating too much processed meat and essentially goading cancer on a daily basis. But that's Ok, I accept that today. No longer beating myself up so much.
But you know what? I've changed. Inside. I've mellowed. Accepted. I've become more reflective. Age obviously helps But I'm getting a glimpse of a new future. and I like it.
This blog is essentially about me of course, well more specifically my head. My alcoholic addictive head. My John Barleycorn head. My disease head. My Alcoholism/addiction.
I used to worry if it was narcissitic, dull, boring, self obsessed. (maybe it is/was) But then I realised it's not about me at all. It's a channel to show my head. My head is alcoholic and addictive. It could be any number of people's head.
I do it because I am passionate about educating people as to what the disease is. I'm passionate about normalising it. I'm passionate about connecting and making people think. 'It's OK to be a bit nuts. No big deal'. I'm passionate about exposing the dirty deep beliefs around this disease.
Do you remember the mental health adverts trying to promote depression and decrease the stigma attached to it by making it OK to talk about it? Well that's what I love to do about addiction.
I'm not a doctor, or qualified in addiction therapy. But I have 43 years experience as the son of an alcoholic, brother of one, son of an alanon, a recovering alcoholic myself - so I have it in my blood and I feel compelled to talk about it. If it helps great. Yes of course i'm an ego maniac. Yes of course I write for me too. Yes of course I love attention and seeing how many people 'like' my share. Fuck me, i'm as vacuous and self absorbed as the next social media generation fuck wit. So what? I enjoy it.
I don't deny my ego and love for attention and showing off, hide from it or worry about. Who gives a shit. So I have bad points. We all do. Forget those and let's get to the good shit.
I haven't had a drink for 14 years but it doesn't stop me having alcoholic thoughts or personality traits. It's not about the drink. That comes last, it's about the thinking and behaviours that lead up to the drink. That's what this blog was always about. It still is. Of course some days I write purely for fun. After all, if it all get's too serious we may all might as-well be done with it and watch X Factor.
So why return now? Why the absence of over a year? I wrote every day throughout 2012. A mad year. Then sporadically in 2013, hardly at all in 2014 because I got a grown up job, and not at all in 2015 because the corporate job which came with stature and corporate importance (in my own head) made it difficult time wise but also in revealing my inner self. It didn't mix with sports business, big brands and commercial life.
So, I chose to concentrate on the job and writing went out of the window. Fair enough. I learnt a lot. I learnt that I can graft, put the hours in and that I'm not bad at what do. I learnt it is good to get focused and serious about what you do. That work is important. It gives you purpose and focus and helps to guide you. I learnt I also have areas I could improve and I learnt things about my personality and life that will prove invaluable. It was also nice to earn a few quid. Life is easier when you're earning.
But I also learnt that somewhere along the line I lost myself. I lost my personality. I fundamentally failed to be truly me in all my affairs including professionally. I found that not writing made me more and more robotic. I found the daily work schedule without creativity stunted my personality.
I became more joyless. Serious. Stressed. Worried and prone to acting out more than usual to escape from the monotony and pressure. I became unhappy.
I lost myself. I lost my meditation, my routine. I lost my friends, my meetings dipped, and so my head really played up. I lost any kind of spiritual connection.
But more than anything I really missed the connection with you. I missed the feeling of contributing something meaningful and that if it helps people, even by making them laugh, or smile, or familiar or that someone out there is madder than them. Whatever the reaction I missed it, so that ladies and gentlemen is why i'm back. You. I struggle with life on my own, in my own head, without sharing it. I feel better when it's out because then it's not such a big deal and we can all crack on.
I want to reclaim myself, hell I want to move forward and change even more. Not just reclaim but find out. I have no idea what path this blog will take or my life in 2016.
I just know that it will be fun and I will be writing and I will be recommitting to a regular blog. I love it and by the sounds of the 3 people who told me in the past week, they loved it too.
So i'm back. Even if only three of you are pleased. That's three more than I had yesterday when I felt low, lonely, self piteous and frightened. And what are you to do when feeling like that? Wallow in it for days on end. (Well yes that's what I want to do) - or put in some action and do something that will make you feel better? That's the healthy thing and that's what this post is. It's my action. It's my get out of miserable Nick mode.
I hope it works. I feel better already. I don't care if it's a shit post. It's done and so it is. I like that. I really do. It's a start and we can build from there.
I'm so pleased to be back, Now you can all bugger off and have a great Christmas and a fabulous festive period. I will be writing so as Shaw Taylor used to say, "Keep 'em peeled"
I've missed you guys and I love you very much
Nicholas Edward
xx
2015 Corporate Nicholas Edward
