Red Fucking Trousers? Yes. Red fucking Trousers.
Not jeans, chinos, slacks, cords, stay-press, Farah's or combats. They were trousers. Not just any old trousers. Red Fucking Trousers.
I can't quite believe it myself. I was down to go out for dinner with the girlfriend, so I thought I would surprise her. I'm sure she would probably have preferred flowers, chocolates or a Hermes scarf. Instead she got this little gay Boy in Red Fucking Trousers.
Because I don't have any idea what you wear with RFT's I cobbled together and outfit that was risky to say the least. I consider myself a man of unique style and good fashion taste. Yes I verge into the world of camp Bee Gee but I figure only a man in total touch with true masculinity can do that. I'm comfortable with my Man Camp look.
However I was in new territory here. Sailing in fresh waters. I didn't have any idea what co-ordinated, so i went with a sky blue shirt, waistcoat, white belt (only one I had) and black shoes. Topped off with a long navy Crombie. I was pretty sure it don't go but I thought if anyone was going to pull it off I could. I checked the mirror and thought to myself, "Twat, but cool twat." It was time to go.
I popped into the gym on the way over to said girlfriend's, did a workout and got changed. The changing rooms were packed full of massive muscle dudes. More cortisone than chromosone. I put on my new strides and caught site in the mirror, I was suddenly gripped with terrible doubt, insecurity and self consciousness about these ridiculous pantaloons. All I could see was Red Fucking Trousers. I could almost feel the stifled laughs in the room.
At this stage I definitely thought, "Twat" leaving out the cool bit after. It was time to get the real acid test at my bird's.
I walked in and shouted "Red Fucking Trousers". She stopped, stared and remarkably said, "I like them". Holy fuck. Bingo!!! Strike one. Trouble is she backed it up with, "But they don't go with what you're wearing." So sweet and tactful. What she could have said you have all the style of a tramp. Go and get changed.
I needed a second opinion so who better then a 17 year old urban kid who knows what is going on in music, fashion and modern trends. Her daughter.
I sat her down and said, "I'm going to ask a really important question." She looked worried. "I want you to be totally honest and not hold back. OK?", Now she looked really worried. "OK" she mumbled.
"Do I Look like a twat in these red strides?"
She looked them up and down, then again before saying ever so sweetly, "Do you have any other trousers with you?"
BOOM. The killer blow. Yes I did look a twat. They clearly didn't hit the mark and I changed into the trusted jeans. It was a failed experiment. Clearly it needs rethinking. Still I reckon I deserve points for effort and courage. If a man walks into a packed male gym changing room looking camper than Graham Norton he deserves respect.
It's going to be a while before the world sees my Red Fucking Trousers. But they will be back. I can assure you of that. Evans' doesn't give up that easily. I've a mid life crisis to prolong for Christs sake. Just not with that outfit.............
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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