Mr Angry who lives in my head lived in my head today.
There was no reason to be grumpy. No reason at all. Nothing bad happened. There is nothing wrong in my life today but for some reason I felt niggly, grumpy and critical. Ever have days like that?
There are so many people worse off than me, but when has my head ever listened to perspective or gratitude?
To spare the boring details. It started off OK. Did my morning routine, enjoyed the meditation, went for a walk/run and that's when it started.
The back is not great. Painful and stiff. I can't run much at all and I really got pissed off with that. 'Will I ever run again? What if I can't exercise properly? Blah blah blah. That's when it started.
I usually go to a meeting to try and nip that in the bud but I chose to go to Bikram Yoga instead. In hindsight a mistake.
Another mistake I made was having a discussion with someone before Yoga about Prostrate cancer. They asked me if I've been tested. I haven't. Then I looked up the symptoms which included lower back pain. 'Oh fuck me, that's it. That's why I've had lower back pain for 8 months', I thought. Good job I'm not one to over react or be a hypochondriac.
I then looked up how you detect signs of it. It said if your prostrate is enlarged it may be a warning sign. There is only one way to check that. The old fingers up the arse routine.
Now I'm not one for that kind of stuff. Colonic's are hard enough let alone a few fingers. One is too many. My face contorted even thinking about it. The full on wince on show. Some Men maybe up for a bit of milking but not me. (Look up milking if you don't know Mum)
Having said that if it stops Prostrate Cancer early when it has to be done. The question was. Do I wait for an appointment with a doctor or do I have a rummage myself? If so, what on earth is the best time in the Bikram class to do it? 11am is a packed class in Chiswick, so there are few opportunities to do it. Perhaps posture 8 when you bend over. The body is bent double forwards so you would get great purchase to really get in there.
There is much in the way that could go wrong though:
1 - You could be chucked out of class
2- You could be arrested for a DLT style indecent exposure
3 - You could inadvertently shoot your load if you hit the sweet spot. (Yes girls there really is a sweet spot if you hit the prostrate that makes guys shoot harder than a spree killer on Coke)
Stand easy everyone. I decided a doctors appointment was best. No self milking in Bikram Yoga for me today.
So in I went to the studio with my head full of prostrate cancer, milking and anal probing. Not advisable for a relaxing class. I was unsettled.
I took it easy, careful not to do some moves because of my back but I found myself getting annoyed about stupid things that had nothing to do with me. Mr Angry was back.
A girl sat down after 10 minutes and the teacher molly coddled her like she was dying. '10 minutes for fucks sake', my head said, 'what a pussy, why doesn't the teacher leave her'. I was full of sympathy.
Then she kept opening the window and doors to let cold air in because of the pussies in the class sitting down. 'Fuck them' my head chipped in, 'this is Hot Yoga, what the fuck do they expect?'
Then the teacher suggested I did back bends, saying 'it will be good for your back'. How the fuck does she know? It fucking hurts that's why I'm not doing them?
'I have dehydrated discs you twat', I thought. 'every professional person I have spoken to has advised me to stretch them to create space not decompress them. Fuck you'. It was in full bloom.
The windows and doors were opened and closed. My head moved in and out of Armageddon. More people wilted and sat down, 'the lazy cunts'. I soldiered on not enjoying the experience. Should have gone to a meeting.
At this point I toyed with the idea of sticking a finger up my arse just to break the head, however I felt the poor teacher would have a breakdown plus I was standing in the front row. Too obvious.
Instead one of the pussies In the back row got up and tried to open the window. The teacher barked her down, ' I'm the one who controls the heat in the room, please sit down. I can't win, some say it's too hot or it's hot enough'.
It was at that moment I felt a right idiot. The poor teacher was doing her best. It wasn't her fault I had a grumpy head. It wasn't her fault I thought I had prostrate cancer on the way in. It wasn't her fault I'm such a massive twat sometimes. I apologised for the thoughts in my head and got stuck in.
She was just doing her job. Thank God I realised that eventually and didn't act how I felt. Nobody would ever know what was going on in my head.
So yoga really worked for my karmic level today! The grump continued as I was caught in Saturday traffic for ages and to be honest it only really went when I parked up outside my house.
Just as I got out, two women were walking past. One of them was bent double with what was obviously a really bad condition, they were talking. At the point I got out the car I heard the woman bent double say, "You just have to accept and be grateful". BOOM! Talk about a message from God.
How right she was and I went indoors suitably embarrassed at my ridiculous head. Oh and I haven't got prostrate cancer. I have a bad back. Big deal.
Having said that I may organise an appointment with my doctor for a 'test'. it's always good to be safe, plus she's well fit and I've never had a 'milking' before. But sssccchhhh, don't tell my girlfriend!
I apologise universe for being a right twat in my thoughts today. Mr Angry can fuck off.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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