Day 235 - Tues 4th Sep - Turning 40

I've made it. I've actually made it to the big 4-0. They say life begins at 40, unfortunately it didn't for John Lennon but i hope it will for me.

I didn't think I'd get there. I mean, i drank myself to a standstill in my 20's. Took loads of LSD and Ecstasy in my teens. Smoked millions of cigarettes, drunk mountains of diet coke, run thousands of miles and had sex with a variety of growlers. No matter how much I've abused my body & mind, I'm still standing (well I'm sitting to write this landmark blog) but i made it god dam it. I'm here.

I'm now officially a grown up. Middle aged. 50% as insane as Clint Eastwood. I can buy 40 + with pride, I'm a grown man (but with a mental age of 12)

They say 40 is the new 30 which is lucky as i was in blackout for my 20's. But if that's the case 20's the new 10, so if i date a girl in her 20's? What does that make me? Oh yes. An inmate.

It's a landmark age. My 5th decade. Christ now that does sound old doesn't it? I mean when i was young 40 seemed ancient. For real grown ups. 40 year olds went out to garden centres, built sheds & had Pensions and stuff

A 40 year old man is supposed to be sorted right? Married, kids, mortgage, career, pension, ISA's, shed, Tool kit, the works. He should be able to change spark plugs, know the merits of interest rate fixes and sub woofers.


If that's the case, well then I'm fucked. I'm single, no kids, no mortgage, rented place, part time job, i wear jeans that are tighter than leggings, no 10 year plan, no pension, savings. I don't really understand ISA's even though i worked in financial services for 3 years, no shed let or tool kit and only thing i know about spark plugs is that they are somewhere under the bonnet. I'm really selling myself here aren't I?

All my mates are married with kids, I'm the odd one out. Basically I'm an orange revel.

It's not easy being single at 40 though. I mean when i go to wife swapping parties the only thing I've got to swap is chlamydia. It's tough.

And there's real pressure. All my married pals make me sleep with as many as women as possible so they actually have a sex life.

But some people say a single promiscuous life of self indulgent fun is empty, cold and harsh. They may have a point but i say fuck em. Life's too short.

And have you seen how tired people with kids are? It's like looking at the Grateful Dead. Big circles around their eyes.

Organising a social night out with mates with kids? Forget it, "How about Tuesday 16th October 2017. Johny's at scouts so I'm free until 10pm.". It;s a nightmare.

If procreation and marriage is the secret to a happy and fulfilled existence, how come all my married friends with kids tell me 2 things. 'don't get married' and 'don't have kids'.

They do say though the secret to a long and happy marriage can be boiled down into 2 words. 'Sky' and 'plus'.

No, I'm a resolutely single man of 40 with no real responsibility. The only thing I'm really scared of is commitment. Strange really as i love being tied down. Or is that up?

Today i decided enough is enough. That's it. i need to change. To grow up. To take responsibility. Be a man. Get some meaning in my life, So I've decided it's time to step up to mark. I'm going to show my life is not one long self obsessed selfish stroll.

I'm going to get a Cactus.

They say get a plant for 1 year and if that's OK, get a pet. Look after it and if after a year that's OK then you're ready for wife/kids.

If i start off with a cactus, surely i can't fuck that up, i mean you only need to water it every 3 months. Even i can't run away from that one. It';s a massive responsibility but one i think at 40 I'm ready to take on.

Usually you are heading towards a mid life crisis at 40. Where you dye your hair, chat up younger girls, take up ridiculous challenges and wear inappropriate clothes for your age. Not me. i had mine at 30.

I'm a bit of a freak. What i mean by that is that i think I'm just warming up. A late starter. A slow learner. I'm better now than at any stage of my life. I mean look at me at 28;



Now here's me at 40;




I look at pictures of myself at 20 and i think 'fat bastard'
i look at pictures of myself now and think 'Gordon Ramsay'
Not sure if that's progress though

I mean looking this thin and lean at 40 is not easy you know. It takes literally thousands of cigarettes, hundreds and hundreds of litres of diet coke and years and years of bulimia. It's not easy being thin.

No, really with all seriousness I'm looking forward to it. The last 10 years has if I'm honest been a journey of aesthetic. Yes I've done loads of stuff. I'm 11 years sober. I look so different in fact I'm almost unrecognisable to how i was at 20 or even 30. I'm happier in myself and feel pretty much OK most of the time.

Yet i still have many of the old behaviours and thinking since i was a kid. The low self esteem, the busy head, the fear, the projection, the procrastination, the feeling of worthlessness and angst sometimes become overwhelming. That nagging 'you're not good enough' is never far away.

I'm thinking/hoping the next decade will be an inner journey to rid myself of these neuroses that get in the way of life and getting on with stuff. It has blocked me and helped me avoid responsibility etc. I'm sure all that will come. i certainly hope so. That's why i think the 40's will be good for me. I'm in decent shape physically and hopefully the mental will follow. There is plenty to do

Today I didn't feel massively excited or particularly elated. I woke and wrote. Excitedly i took delivery of my white Elvis jumpsuit for Saturday's Pub Idle 3.

Then for the 1st time in 15 years i signed on. Hounslow JSA. I went there with the deepest tan, fake rolex watch, face covered over TV on an advert and said 'i'm looking for work'. Everyone was dressed in Lonsdale from Sports Direct apart from gay boy here who strutted around like an extra from TOWIE. I should have gone in my jumpsuit though and claimed i was looking for work as an impersonator even though i dint look like him and can't sing.

Then it was a short 30 min brutal work out in the park, lunchtime AA meeting, hang in afternoon and me Mothers for a BBQ. I was more interested in her new Patio and fence than my birthday, though we had a lovely night and i got some wonderful presents. Very lucky boy and i do have a world class mother. She really is tip top and so loving and supporting, even if she did regale the story out loud to everyone how she pretended i was a girl for the 1st 2 days of my life because she was so desperate for a daughter. thanks mum.

Here is what you get when you're 40. A Garmin GPS running watch, a cool watch, a packet of giant buttons, a molton brown voucher, skincare products, a cactus, a tasteful hoody, a cool wallet, weight lifting gloves, an eye mask? and my personal favourite from my Mum, some travel tags for your suitcase. A totally random present. She always slips in something totally practical that renders me speechless. She's ace and didn't let me down.

We had a huge BBQ, the weather was warm and a lovely night was had by all. If I'm honest there was not enough conversation about me. I mean no-one really talked about me until desert, and then it was only fleetingly, but that's just the self obsessed head really. It was lovely just to relax and listen and enjoy company of loved ones. It's not all about me, well that's what i tell myself but deep down i want it to be of course.

Then it was time for the cake. A lovely random cake in the shape of a rugby pitch, green with 3 flat figures laying on their front? Quite an eclectic cake as they looked the spitting image of 3 people who had jumped from a high building to their death, or 3 people who were pissed and just dropped on their face, 3 people who were knackered at the end of a ironman or what they were supposed to be. 3 rugby players scoring a try. They were almost flat though and had faces that were similar to that of Sly Stallone's. Funny.

Then that was it. Home at midnight, tired. But happy. Work tomorrow, eek, so i thought i would turnover a new leaf and prepare early. I was in bed for 3am. Nuts.

The birthday will go on all week though, comedy Thursday and the party on Saturday then it;s time to crack on.

But 40 it is, I'm ready for them. I'm looking forward to them and I'm feeling grown up already. Now, where is that spark plug manual? can't be that hard. Is it?

xx