It's Monday people and we all know what that means don't we? Yes that's right, a touch of melancholy and just a hint of depression. Mondays are a right bitch. The sort of day that asks you what you think of what they are wearing only to pounce on you when you respond slightly unenthusiastically. They are bastard of a day. They are effectively Chris Brown.
My Mondays are usually pretty dull, so when i can remember i throw the topics open to the world and ask for requests. Regular readers will know that i am paranoid that no-one reads my blog. I spent 1 hour yesterday writing about The Sweeney only for 46 people to read it. I should be grateful for 46 but in my mind I'm thinking 465,000. Grandiosity is never far away.
So when i threw the topic open on Facebook and Twitter this morning i waited for the hundreds of topics to come back. I had four.
Kate Middleton's tits.
Day 1 of a new job,
Fat cyclists in Lycra
why do blokes take so long on the shitter?
All valid subjects. Not sure if they are all linked, though if Prince William wouldn't have taken so long on his throne maybe Kate wouldn't have spent so long with her nark's out and been papped.
Come to think of it do all royal khazis get decked out like a proper throne? I certainly hope so. I Bet the Decathlete wouldn't put that in his blog which is the reason technically my blog is better than anyone elses in the world. In fact if Carlsberg did blogs...........
So. Thanks for your requests. Here goes;
Kate Middleton's Tits.
I like Kate. I mean she's pretty but nothing extraordinary. If you saw her on Kings Road she'd be pretty much like all the rest of the pretty girl sloaners. She's not my thing. I haven't seen the pictures of her knockers. But I've seen enough in my life to know what knockers look like. She's pretty skinny so i shouldn't imagine they would equate to what i like to call 'a great British handful'.
Magazines are running a 26 page special on them. Fuck me, what has she got 9 nipples? 26 pages of her breasts. My god, talk about milking it. Come to mention it i would be interested if she was actually lactating and milking them but i'm pretty sure she isn't so whats the interest here?
Not allowed to publish in UK yet they are all over the Internet. She has 2 choices as far as i can tell. Sue the arse of the Papps for invasion of privacy or go full on clunge out starkers and be done with it. Join Prince Harry. It's been too long since we've had a royal naturists and better Kate does that, than Eugine or god forbid Fergie. Christ it would be like looking at 2 collapsed meringues if she went topless.
Lets get a grip here media/world and get on with things that are slightly more important. Like why do blokes take so long on the shitter?
Why do Blokes Take so long on the shitter?
It's simple girls. To get away from you! The khazi is the only place a bloke can truly find peace. It's the temple of turds. The church of the curler. A place where a bloke can truly be himself. There is no outside world. No time limits. It is a perfect combination of Man and porcelain.
Now a good shit is almost a spiritual happening. Much stress and anxiety is in the guts and if you add the stress of your missus chirping on at you. A really good shit is like meditation. Men can see more clearly in the toilet. Life makes more sense. Books become more interesting. You can concentrate in a way you simply cannot anywhere else. It is a mental and gutteral cleansing process.
Usually reading material is broken down to easy to digest information like magazines, newspapers or best still Viz. I have been known to browse the occasional OK! or CLOSER on the bog but sometimes those stories of 46 stone trannies having sex change operations can put you out of the zone.
There is something truly pleasurable in having a good shit, apart from after spicy food when you get what's know as 'the clinger'. When you stain the toilet with skids so thick no amount of toilet duck and flushing will work. Best leave it for her to clean hey boys? Then of course you invariably block the toilet with paper as no matter how many wipes you do it doesn't shift. This can sometimes cause panic and concern.
Then of course you linger afterwards, preening your nose hair, looking at your spots and then finally giving your jewels a slight freshen up in case you get lucky.
Women are in and out because they don't need the time a man needs in the bog. They have their own thing called 'dressing table', which causes as much mystery to men as blokes taking so long on the shitter to women. It's the same as the garage or shed. Somethings in life are just the way they are. Don't fuck with history or the way of the land,. Man needs toilet to himself for ages and any man who shits with the door open and his wife to see and kids running around needs to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror and question his existence/values. There is no room in Manland for freaks like that.
Shit on boys. With pride. With honour. With skids. It's what makes us so utterly ridiculous.
How was that Kate Cater?
Fat Cyclists in Lycra
Too many of them. Driving or cycling behind one of them is like watching Russell Grant & Adele rolling around under a duvet. It's just wrong and should be banned.
First Day of a New Job
Ciara Keane requested this as she starts a new job on Weds. My only advice would be not to copy me when i joined Charlton Athletic in 1999. My first day was a matchday at the Valley. I was staying with my friend Matt Burge at the time and Matt Cooper came over. It was Friday night. The day before my new job and first day.What followed was a rather long drinking session. I obviously had great intentions to go to bed early and get in nice and early at the agreed 9.30am for a tour around the facilities, meet the corporates, directors and watch the game which was kicking off at 3pm.
Midnight passed, easily. Then 1am. Then 2am. 'Well as long as i get 5 hours kip I'll be fine' i thought to myself. How many times have we thought that? You know you're fooling yourself but you go along with it anyway. 4am approached and by now we were shitted. Then finally i staggered to bed at 5.30am, woke up at 10am, got ready looking like I'd just done a tour of duty in Iraq, jumped in the car (still well over the limit) stuffed a McDonald's Double sausage and egg mcmuffin down my Mcgob and rolled in at 12.45pm after heavy traffic. The day didn't go well and i left that job after 2 months.
A new job and 1st day is terrifying. It looms in the back of your head. Unless its for a shed full of money or you're the new tester for 'The World of Beds' and doing something you love it's horrid. You're the new kid. You feel meek, mild and nervous though of course you don't show it. It's never a good look on your first day to burst into tears and start screaming for your Mummy.
My worst job was putting bottle tops on orange juice bottles in a factory when i was 18. I lasted 2 hours before quitting. So if you go in on your first day and get bad vibes, most people will say it takes time, give it a chance, have an open mind, be available and open, be friendly, try to relax and make the best of it.
I say sod that, quit, just in time to get home for Flog it, get out for a run and be on the the dot for Job Centre Plus in the morning. If you put on a limp you may even get a mobility scooter too.
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