Day 242 - Tues 11th September - That F***g Cancer

9/11

Where were you 11 years ago today? Shocking wasn't it? 9/11. You looked on with a disbelief and mild panic. A true world event where everyone remembers where they were. I was in Tooting Broadway snooker club at the time, so a bunker of sorts plus I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be a number 1 target for terrorists.

I was 1 month sober, off my head, angry, confused, self consumed. People shared about it in meetings for ages afterwards which pissed me off. You know the ones claiming the grief like it was their own. Even though they had no involvement. My heart and thoughts of course goes out to anyone who lost friends or family in the disaster, but for me i have to confess i was numb to it. It was  the other side of the world, i didn't know anyone, wasn't directly involved, it was on TV and whilst on a human level i was shocked, it didn't truly affect me.

Seems mad to think it was 10 years ago though. Time does genuinely seem to get quicker as you get older, which is another 'old' cliche thing to say. I really am over 40 now.

TV is full of documentaries of it and when you watch it is still hard to take it in.

That Advert

I keep getting people recognising me from the advert. I popped into my local sex shop today, just to have a little look at the video section, to see if all was in order. The bloke behind the counter said 'sorry to be personal (not the best thing to say in a sex shop) but were you in a Tesco advert recently?' Recognised in a sex shop now. I've truly made it. 'Yes i replied', and left the shop soon after.

The funniest thing about that shop though, is that my ex girlfriend genuinely thought 'Private Shop' was for espionage, private detectives selling surveillance equipment etc. This was so sweet and funny and i felt heartbroken when i had to break it to her that it was indeed a sex shop selling double dildos, arab straps and 'Anal invasion 6'.

F****g Cancer

I know so many people who have cancer. At least 4 people of various ages. It troubles me. Both my grandparents died of it at the ages of 82 and 97, so i suppose in my head i equated cancer with age. That's nonsense and a myth that has been exposed to be untrue. I'm learning all the time.

I have friends who have got it. Friends who have had it. Friends in remission. Friends who live with it. Friends who's parents have it. I mean when you start to look around it really is everywhere and a huge health problem.

I know very little about it so i cannot begin to write about the subject and I'm also worried that people with it may think 'who the hell are you to write about cancer I'm the one with it'.  

I write about alcoholism and the effects of it alot, because that is my personal experience throughout my life and feel passionate about it. Although my lovely Nan and Gramps died from Cancer i don't have the same level of emotional connection, anger, passion about the disease. It's because of their age right?

Well true but they were still flesh and blood, family, loved ones. They still suffered horribly from it. They still had to endure it no matter what age. It's just at that age it's rarely treatable and becomes the reason for their passing. Not a nice way but one that you feel has some kind of 'natural order'.

But what of people my age? or 50? What of people who are younger? Kids for goodness sake. I am so ignorant of Cancer i thought you got it because you drank, smoked, ate shit, lived badly and induced it yourself. There is no doubt that is true but so many more seem pre destined to get it. They are just 'unlucky'.

But why? Is it genetic? is it DNA? Is it just bad luck? God knows an i suppose it's a waste of time trying to find the answer 'why'. The true question is 'what'. What to do about it.

Cancer to me is just a dreadful word. You invariably think the worst. Myth number 2 i have also learnt i was wrong.It's not the worst, the end. Yes there are stages of it. Yes it can be terminal but in the same way as alcoholism i guess there are stages and if it's spotted early and treated then it is an illness that can be either lived with or 'beaten'.

And how do i treat people with cancer? Just like when someone suffers a death what do you say? Myth number 3 i have recently learnt and was wrong about before.

People with cancer are, wait for it. People. They do not like you going 'ahhhh that's terrible, oh i feel so sorry for you and pat them on the head. They do not like you saying 'are you ok', every 30 minutes. I have learnt to treat people with exactly the same manner as when they didn't have it. Patronising is not good, though i still want to give them all a big cuddle.

I have so much admiration for all the people i know living with it. They seem to handle it all differently in their own way. Some have incredible 'acceptance and faith in a higher power about it, some battle and take it on like it's a challenge, some people use it as a motivating tool to do the things in their life they've always wanted to do. Some use it as a total change in attitude to life, my mums friend for instance had it in the 80's and lives life to the full, holidays, fun, social. She's an up person anyway but i am so full of admiration.

I feel a fraud for writing a little about it but a friend told me last night her mum has it again and i got pissed off. Fucking cancer i thought. Fucking bastard bollocking cancer. Fucking wanker cancer. It made me angry. and there's sod all i can do about it.

gggrrrrrr




xx