Head's gone today. Don't know why. Don't know how but the fear and self loathing is on me.
It's that niggle in the head. Like an itch you can't reach. So many doubts. So many negative thoughts. So little confidence.
I was having a crisis of confidence in myself. In my writing. In my life. In me. For no apparent reason.
Oh god am i turning into one of those knobheads who seek approval constantly from others by posting relentlessly on Facebook and Twitter. Am i a joke posing with famous people and posting up? Am i losing real connection and life? Am i more concerned on living life to write my blog therefore making me miss most of life? Am i that lacking in self esteem and inner strength that i need constant validation?
Basically i was hating myself for getting excited about my article published on a free website. Like that makes me a writer? I was castigating myself for my comedy club, it's just a room in a pub. I was caning myself for my blog. and writing about Grace Jones and other subjects that people would probably rather be kept private. I was caning myself for writing about AA. I was hating myself for promoting my writing constantly. Please read this. Like this, read it, please please, me me me. Urgh i made my skin crawl today.
Sometimes sitting down with people (friends) who share so little interest or enthusiasm for what you are doing makes you believe that you're shit and it must be you. 'I'm a joke and just not good enough' was in a loop in my head like some kind of twisted radio station. Like Magic FM in my brain.
I feel like a small puppy running around trying to get a pat on the head. To get approval and i hate it. Thats what i view myslef as deep down and it's come to fore today. Yuk.
What to do about it? Give in and believe it? Go with it or try to change how you feel? Well i went for the later. How?
Ran 7 miles, brutalised myself, went to the gym for first time in weeks, got 3 people saying 'i've been waiting for you to come in, was that you in that advert'. Boost to the ego but even that sent me on a downer. It's only a fucking 4 second advert, like you're famous or something. Get real you twat. God, isn't my head so lovely to me?
I rang people, met business partner, smoked furiously, tried to write and did some work.
The phone didn't ring, which made me more miserable, of course in that state i wasn't going to ring anyone. Pride is a stupid obstacle sometimes isn't it? Basically spent the afternoon at my computer, working feeling pretty isolated, miserable and down on myself.
The party buzz is most definately over. 'Old Nick' is most certainly back today. The one who gives himself far too hard a time and talks to himself badly. It's my sodding head. Lets hope 'New Nick' reappears soon.
I wrote that at 6pm when i was in my misery. Now, it's 2am, i'm in my comfort pants and i feel different.
I've hung out with a really good pal, who listens and makes me laugh. I've been to the Bearcat comedy club and had a great night. Seeing 4 top comedians and a really well run club which gave me the urge to work harder at mine. I forgot about myself, grassed myself up and then enjoyed the evening. I felt the 'new' or 'good' me return. Bad negative me was let go. Thank god.
It's a strange thing the brain. Powerful. That savage self hatred is part of my alcoholism i think. I've had it for as long as i can remember. Before i had no defence mechanism or coping strategies. I would run for the nearest pub and drink my way through it. Now i turn to a fellowship but also to life and i find doing something that helps me forget myself does me the power of good. Good distractions not bad.
I am my own worst enemy sometimes and as they say, if you want to feel miserable, sit indoors and think about yourself all day. It;s Guaranteed to make you eye up the beams in your ceiling with a renewed interest. Fortunately i'm not in that space anymore. Today was most definately a game of two halves.
end
x
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