I totally love it. Aside from Paul McKenna i reckon i love The Sweeney more than anyone else in the world. He’s a total fan. I met him through a friend a while ago and he knows everything, every stat, fact and phrase. He's in a different league.
I’m not that much of a statto, i love it in an organic way. Why? I have organically woven it into my life. From the way i dress (Mancamp), to my attitude (Old school sexist underneath PC exterior) to my healthy disregard of authority and love of tight clothing. They always seemed to wear shirts slightly too small which made the buttons stretch. It must have been an influence.
I used to watch it with my Dad as a kid and i was inspired. Slightly out of shape men running around London in cheap polyester suits, driving Ford Granada's, fighting, drinking whisky, smoking fags, bedding ‘birds' and generally being disrespectful to authority. Whats there not to like?
It was proper good stuff. Even the theme tune was amazing. The opening bars to ‘tadada, tadda da da da dada deerr tada tada made you excited. 18 million viewers in 1976 and class acting. I was young, so i had to sing from my bedroom the theme tune in the hope i would be invited down at 9pm to watch it. I always was. Shots of west london, drinking tea out of plastic cups by Putney Bridge, car chases around Shepherds Bush and always a chase around disused Battersea Power station.
When it ended even the theme tune went down 2 octaves and was sad. Yes The Sweeney is the best TV showed ever made and was a great representation of the times. They even made 2 movies. Imaginatively titled Sweeney! and Sweeney 2.
To give you an idea of how imaginative they were, in the first movie the baddies wanted Regan off the job, so they pretended to be Police officers stopped and breathalysed him (of course he was over the limit as he’d been heavily drinking and then drove, everyone did in the 70’s, no biggy) - Then the baddies took him to a disused warehouse put a funnel down his throat then fed a litre of whisky down it.
They Put him back in his car and sent him on his way. He of course crashed, but survived & was suspended from duty. Classic. A litre of scotch down a funnel, where have you seen a baddy doing that anywhere else? Only in the Sweeney. The best thing was Regan sank it all. They were real men back then. Can you imagine that happening in a Touch of Frost? Or Spender? Fuck no, Regan can drain a litre of Whisky and still drive a Talbot Horizon.
See, how can you not love The Sweeney when it’s filmed in a pub with Regan and Carter getting pissed up on the job? Class!
So it was with trepidation i went to watch the remake of The Sweeney at the cinema today. I already hated it having seen the posters and trailers. I also have a ridiculous burning resentment against Nick Love the Director, as i used to see him around Chelsea a few years ago and i didn’t like his V Neck jumpers. I know it’s stupid. But a bloke geezer should never wear Pastel v neck jumpers as he did and make violent cult movies. Did i really say cult, i meant something else.
I just can’t take a man in a pink v neck or yellow v neck or worse still a white V Neck seriously.
So off i went to the Odeon. Mistake number 1. The Odeon’s popcorn is shit. Large is too small. It’s gone by trailer 2. Most of it down my front and strangely in my trousers. I’ve written about it before but i always seem to get popcorn in my arse crack. I’m a messy sod in the cinema. But i figure it’s so massively overpriced it’s almost mandatory to make a fucking big mess and leave your space like a squat.
I’m in recovery and lead a spiritual life, so i told myself some values i’ve learnt in AA. Keep an open mind. Don’t judge. Don’t criticise. Be positive and enjoy. I didn’t want to pre judge it and let my love of the original cloud my judgment of the movie.
I repeated the mantra over and over again, until 30 seconds in, the opening scene of the movie & i thought the music didn’t match. It was shit.
What followed was 2 hours of total bollocks. It doesn't even wipe the arse of the original. It shouldn’t even bare it’s name. It’s Julian to John Lennon. It’s a joke. Like one long Fast Show sketch. Or a 6th form student trying desperately hard to impress and do his take on it.
Don’t get me wrong there are some nice bits in it. Ray Winstone is a nasty bastard and effectively growls for 2 hours. Though he gets dangerously close to turning into Frank Butcher at times. I expected ‘Pat’ or ‘Ricky’ to appear. He Growled a series of fake London phrases like ‘knock yourself out’ and ‘lets ave it’. To be fair though in the spirit of the original he’s got a massive gut and there is a bed scene with him in big yellow pants. But that is about the only spirit of the original.
The London settings look superb and Plan B is OK as Carter, but the plot & film is just ridiculous and a major disappointment.
To me it’s like taking the Mona Lisa and then making it into a dot to dot. Like following a glass of Krug with Malibu. Like having a 3 some with Kelly Brook and Boris Johnson. It;’s wrong.
The original had spirit, humour, devil may care, class, setting of the time and panache. This one is just over trying and weak. If it wasn’t for Winstone then it would be the biggest load of wank ever.
I mean look how stylised and lacking in character it is compared to the original? Weapons and black and white moody shots. Not a patch. Overdone, false, pretentious fuckshit. I’m not happy.
Sly Stallone did it with Get Cater and now Nick Love has done it with The Sweeney. The closest thing to The Sweeney is The Shield, maybe he should have taken note. Even his piss poor rip off of the street shooting scene from Heat is bollocks.
No No No. You’ve fucked with The Sweeney and i urge anyone who is thinking of going to watch it. Save £11.40, go to Sainsburys, buy some Popcorn, order off Amazon the original 2 Sweeney movies for £5, settle back on the sofa, place some popcorn in your arse crack, pretend you’re at the movies and watch some proper class.
As long as you don’t mind heavy misogyny, slight racism and ultra smoking you’ll love them. I know i did.
Me
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment