Day 350 - Sun 30th Dec - Only 2 blogs to go of 2012

Oh My God. Where did the time go? Only 2 blogs left of 2012. This is the penultimate blog of the year. I have written every day. One of the only things I have consistently done every day in my life other than blink and moan. Remarkable.

As we end the year it's a good time to reflect. 2012 has been spectacular, painful, beautiful, hard, memorable and insane all rolled into one. It has been a tough year. The best of times. The worst of times. Never dull (well maybe some days) Always interesting.

The human experience continues. We move forward as one. Marching together on our little journey of life. I salute every single one of you who has followed this blog. I know there are a handful of people who have read it every day. I'm with you. I must be getting sentimental in my old age as it actually makes me feel quite emotional.

Knowing that you would have experienced ups and downs. Good times and bad in your life makes me feel rather connected. Although I have been writing it every day. Making it part of my daily routine, you reading it and making it part of your routine too makes me kind of humble. Means we're in it together. Your experiences would have been similar or worse or better but it means that we are connected and that means a lot to me. (old fool I am)

The blog has changed and grown over the year. I started off with the sole intention of using it as a training diary for the marathon as a springboard for change. To see if I could run a sub 3 hour 30 marathon. To see if i would change my habits of doing just enough to push myself. To alter the nature of my actions. Ultimately i didn't but out of it I continued the blog every day and it has helped me become a better writer, connect with more people and find something in life that I'm good at and enjoy. It has been an interesting journey of being a man in a modern world, on the growing pains of being a 40 year old Kid and a recovering alcoholic. It has provided me with invaluable discipline, something I sorely lack.

We've all got to have passions, interests, things that mean something to us on a deep level. Mine is writing, sharing my inner most thoughts, my fears, my inner voice, my passions and letting them out. Sometimes it has been uncomfortable reading. My inner voice is mostly negative and that can sometimes dominate my writing.

Having said that if I step outside of myself for one minute. If I'm dispassionate and objective and view the facts. Not to taint it with my negative self critical head - The blog has been rather good. I'm proud of the writing, content, the topics and productivity. I like it and if I didn't know me would still be rather interested in it.

It has been really fun to catalogue some of the moments of the year. In no particular order these have been the moments of the year/blog that make me smile/cry/laugh/remember/happy/sad;

• Committing to writing a blog every day and doing it. Nothing makes me quite as happy as actually doing something.
• Spending lots of time in Llanelli with my Nan as she got more ill. It gave me a chance to see the place i was born, get to know my Nan more and appreciate her life and character
• The only way is Lanelli
• London Marathon Day - always an awesome experience
• My friends relapse and subsequent blooming recovery from a seemingly hopeless situation - life affirming
• The 2012 'Lympics - Pure gold in every way
• Peachs' B-B-Q and subsequent friends gatherings - I have some awesome pals. Feels good to hang out with friends.
• Turning 11 years sober - I really can't believe it - Is that really me? People don;t really understand I know I used to be a total drunk nightmare.
• Doing a Tesco Mobile TV commercial and getting 100's of messages from people who saw me - good for the ego and bank balance. Though people who don't know me very well think I'm an actor now
• The continued growth of Comedy Chops - i like my comedy club and actually have faith in it now, people keep coming and keep saying they like it - they're the guvnors at the end of the day
• My niece turning 21 - All grown up how did that happen it seems like only yesterday I was taking her to the Smash Hits Xmas Party at the 02.
• Watching the jubilee in Llanelli with my Mum, Nan and family in her nursing home.
• Raising £3k for Action on Addiction - Makes me look like such a good human being and means I get a special god moral community chest card to act badly guilt free for a month after it - like a moral freedom pass
• My Nan's passing in June and the subsequent funeral an end of an era, such a wonderful woman and the baton of Welsh matriarch passed on to my mother
• Turning 40 and my Pub Idle birthday party - genuinely touched by my friends and people I know being so ultra groovy
• Singing 2 Elvis songs with a proper band - what's there not to love about that?
• The descent of a family member into mental illness. Heart breaking and emotional
• Jack Daniels - Those who know are still scratching their heads. Insane
• Losing my job in the city - skint but happier
• Getting 4 articles published on a website and getting ace feedback. The Day is was Barred from Bikram Yoga, My guide to alcoholism, My Fathers death and Blokes Guide to Bikram. I liked them
• The world not ending on 21st December - Bonus

Phew, not a bad list really. The ups and downs of a year. Some good, some bad, some emotional some happy. It's all happened. I've changed in many respects and not in others. Looking back I will be proud of 2012. Of what I achieved. Of what I've done. It;s like one of those montage clips of reviews of the year with emotional backing music.

I honour the ones we have lost. All my readers who have experienced loss or grief or illness i send you big hugs along the way. I love you all today. I love what we are, what we can be. Some of us feel isolated and lonely and that no-one understands. Some of us are happy and joyous and full of family and love. We are all in varying situations but nothing lasts for ever. The world and time always moves on. Bad times pass as do good. It is our human experience.

I have felt a stronger faith this year, seeing my Nan slowly fade away through cancer and not moan or feel sorry for herself was a moving experience. Seeing all my friends grow and build has been a joy. Seeing people close to me find sobriety and rebuild their lives and families has been beautiful. Hearing people connect with my writing and thoughts has been a source of inspiration.

Growing into the man i want to be is hard. Men have a difficult place in the world at the moment. We are being overtaken by technology and skin care products. We are confused between our ancestry Neanderthal man and modern metro sexual. We need to find our place. It is a difficult journey us blokes face.

2012 is a strange time in our history. Modern technology is racing ahead. Touch screen computers, tablets, HDTV, 3D. The world is changing so fast. We are in the middle of the worst financial crisis probably ever and people are falling like flies. Suicide, depression, addiction, illness, poverty. All of these things worry me. All of these a concern.

I don't have the answers. The only thing I can do is take responsibility of myself. Of my actions. To call it as i see it and try to plot my journey the best I can.

Will I settle down? Have kids? Produce a family? Be happy? At 40 years old I should have done this by now. But what is the word should? I have plenty of time to do that when I'm ready. I've followed Nan's orders in getting a short back and sides, so her request of 'when are you going to settle down?' is slowly coming. All in Godspeed hey?

In short I believe in something better. I believe that things are OK. I trust in the future and in God. If anyone is worried. Let me tell you. I don't know why. I don't have any evidence to back it up. Richard Dawkins would probably have a field day and destroy me but you know what?

I think we're going to be OK.

End
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