At 11.11am this morning the end of the world was predicted. Seeing as I'm writing this daily blog at 11.11pm in my pants in my kitchen on a wet and windy December evening. It clearly was a load of old bollocks. Those Mayans need to sort their calendar out.
Today is Winter solstice. The shortest day of the year. The day after 2012 years that signifies all kinds of spiritual energy. People have been chanting ,meditating and coming together (That sounds wrong) all day. It is a special time of the year/century/world. If you're into all of that of course. If not it's Friday and the panic before Xmas is just starting.
Of course the end of the world generated lots of publicity and media attention. It's a nice story. Pull outs in newspapers, lead stories on the news channels. Even twatty bollocks here has written about it.
So at 11.11am this morning I prepared myself for the end of the world by installing myself in a tanning salon for 8 minutes in Kleo Nails, Richmond. I figured if I was going to go out I'd do it looking orange and glowing surrounded by moody Polish women.
I stepped out of Kleos at 11.19am and it all looked pretty much the same. Kew didn't have any fault lines running through it. Richmond wasn't on fire and the Thames hadn't turned into a big Tsunami. Business as usual. Move on.
Seeing as it didn't end I thought I'd run around and get a few prezzies. Worrying that I hadn't got enough. I could feel that slight panic rising in the air. The pre Xmas stress really starts to go up a notch as we enter the weekend. Particularly in Tesco Isleworth. People were running around all over the place. Clearly Xmas will be all fucked if they don't get that family tin of McVities Biscuits. People were arguing over KP Nuts for Christs sake. It's only Friday. It's all going to kick off by Tuesday.
A moral dilemma. Is it acceptable to buy presents from a Charity Shop? I bought a few from Quite a posh one with designer stuff. It was a 'save the Children' shop. Funnily enough they didn't want my Jim'll Fix it medal. (sorry - v poor)
I thought 'this is a bit pikey getting gifts from here'. Is it? Is there any difference between that and a vintage clothes shop? Anyway I got some belters for under a nifty so I was pretty chuffed., Maybe I should keep schtum about the origins of them?
I was invited for my 3rd Xmas lunch/event of the season. A big old family affair with a gorgeous lunch (homemade VAT of Shepherds Pie) and more chocolate than Willy Wonker's. We did the whole exchange of gifts thing which was great as I love seeing people unwrap what I got them and nailing it. Plus I got some belters too so it was all good.
I ate so much Shepherds Pie i swear I'll be herding sheep tomorrow. Then i crossed that Xmas line. You know when you exercise reasonable self restraint, eating the meal and being all disciplined. Then you go back for 2nd's, even 3rd's. Then you lay down on the sofa, stuffed from lunch, the belt is loosened and you fall into a catatonic state of lethargy. You are stuffed but still hungry. The giant bars of Dairy Milk, massive lindt eggs and the oversized tubs of chocolate are an arms length away. If only you could summon enough energy to lift your body over to scoop them up.
Then you do. The Xmas line is well and truly crossed and you're off and running. Shovelling in chocolates at a rate quicker than Apollo 13. You don't even realise you're doing it. You permanently graze on chocolates until 45 minutes later you've done more calories than Fat Families and you feel totally sick. The true meaning of Xmas. You are Unable to move, speak, keep awake. You have effectively rendered yourself useless and you have another 10 days to go. Fuck!
I need to revise my Xmas list. I need some elasticated 'comfort slacks', those Velcro trainers to slip over my fat feet and a Onsie the size of the 02 and a Gym membership for January. It's going to be a harsh Xmas on the waistline. There's no turning back now. Xmas lunch number 4 tomorrow.
Moment of the day? Eating a massive lunch as Band Aid's 'Do They Know it's Xmas' played loudly on the Radio. Nobody noticed the beautiful irony of gluttonously tucking into a lunch as a song about raising money for starving children in Africa played away. That is until i pointed it out and instead of guilt everyone laughed. A classic Xmas moment.
Pleased it's not the end of the world, there's far too much to do. For one i need to attempt the world 'Celebrations Eating record'. I started my training today and should be primed for Xmas day. Bring it on I'm ready to roll (literally)
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment