OK I'm going to give it to you straight. Today's blog is not massively exciting.
I haven't got a lot to say. I'm not particularly fucked off nor am I elated. I haven't got a burning passion about a subject nor am I in deep resentment. Today I'm slightly neutral. Or for the historians out there I am Switzerland.
Ambivalence is good for the equilibrium but not for the blog. It makes for pretty tepid stuff. I have no opinions on issues today nor am I feeling creative, so in terms of blogs it will be the writing equivalent of Sue Barker. Inoffensive, polished but ultimately lacking oomph.
Today I cycled, stressed, went to the 'entire psychic change' lunchtime meeting, unloaded the time bomb in my head, felt better, spontaneously burst into tears, went to pitch for investment in the company I'm trying to start and came home and wrapped my first Xmas presents.
There. I told you. Nothing much is there? Is there anything of interest?
Firstly bursting into tears. I re-read my Nan's eulogy and had Elbow's 'One fine Day' playing in the background. As I read through I burst into tears which kept coming for 10 minutes. I stopped short of wailing but fuck me I was gone. It was like a double bubble tsunami of emotion. That eulogy and an emotional song. I was thinking about her life, her stoicism, pride, dignity and genuine gratitude for the smallest things. I hadn't really cried much since her death but I made up for it this morning. It didn't relieve me as I carried a slight hint of sadness throughout the day. But that's OK.
If I'm being honest though sometimes I don;t know if the tears are for me and self pity or genuine sadness. I'm that undecided on my emotions sometimes. All that I do know is that I was thinking of her life force and that made me emotional.
I genuinely believe that her spirit lives on. Especially when things were really rolling for me back in August/September. My golden period of the year. When things are going OK it's easy to feel calm, relaxed and in the presence of a higher power smoothing things over, making it all groovy for you.
But it's in times of trouble. When you are skint. When all signs of work have dried up. When you're confused, when the noise in your head is too loud, when the fear kicks in, when times are tough. Do you have that faith then? Is it the role of a higher power to 'sort things out for you? No of course not, but I find it a hell of a lot tougher retaining that faith and that everything will be OK when times are hard and having that connection.
Not sure where that little lot came from?
Secondly, wrapping presents. I did my first batch today and sent them off the the brother and family ooop North. I didn't do a bad job but they had a faint whiff of bomb squad about them. No fancy bows, gift tags or elaborate wrapping. Just one strip of sellotape and 'Daddy Bear', 'Mummy Bear' and 'Bear' written on them in black felt pen. A bit like Tesco's Basic range packaging but it got the job done. #Blokewrapping
Thirdly - pitched someone for investment in a little company I'm looking to start. Didn't quite go according to plan. I felt a little out of my depth in a serious business meeting. Really must work on my low self esteem. Came out with an offer but not for as much as i hoped and for rather a lot of equity. Not quite Dragons Den more like sheep's pen. More work needed but clearly we have something of interest otherwise people wouldn't be making offers. Hopeful.
Lastly and on this dull day i got an email from someone on Facebook who read Monday's blog and poured their heart out that they had an alcohol problem and that through my blog they may give AA a try. I replied with all the love and tolerance i could muster. "Pleased to hear you may give AA a go. Best thing i ever did. If alcohol costs you more than money then maybe it's worth giving it a go. Then I copied and pasted an invoice for £7,500 which is roughly what the Priory or a treatment centre would charge as an introduction to a 12 step fellowship. I haven't heard back yet, but best of luck to them.
At least it confirms that something good may come out of this blog. Apparently life is not all about me. A bit of a shock to the system but apparently the truth. Even I recognise that sometimes.
Keep on trudging the road to happy destiny people. We'll get there in the end
xx
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