Day 349 - Sat 29th Dec - Spiritual Progress Rather than Spiritual perfection

I have learnt many things this year during the writing of this blog. Nobody is perfect. We are not saints. We are all having a human experience. Some good, some bad.

For me I do f**k loads of wrong things, f**k loads of good things and many in between. It's called being human. I suppose some people are more bad than others and vice versa. But do I really have a right to judge?

If I judge people for their wrongs I'm on dangerous ground. Do I then conveniently forget all the dodgy stuff I've done in my life? I judge all the time. Mostly without even knowing I do it. 1st impressions, what people look like, what they say, do. I judge far too much and need to stop, think and rely on my 2nd thought.

Do i then maximize the good things i do in my life to create a false image of me as a really good egg to cover the bad things I do? That's called doing an 'Armstrong'. A tried and trusted tactic that invariably works. At least for sometime. It will come back to haunt you. 'What goes around comes around' seems to hold some kind of truth.

I've done that this year. I guess we all do to some extent. But in this blog I have talked about many of the good things I do, the fund raising, helping others. alcoholism, helping homeless etc - mostly because It's what I feel morally obliged to do but in other ways to present myself as a good guy so people will think well of me. That's vain egotistical selfishness. That's a part of me I don't like. Part of me is that shallow. Why be so concerned with what others think of you? It's essentially pointless.

This year I have missed out some of the bad stuff. It's not awful but I have chosen not to write about it publicly. Either things i have done, said or thought. Selective honesty. Even in this blog it's easy to create an image of someone I choose to be. I have yet to find the courage to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Maybe one day I will.

What the f***k am I talking about you maybe wondering? Here's an example.

I have a member of my family who I will not disclose too much detail or information about as I learnt long ago it is not fair for me to talk about others in this blog publicly. I can talk about myself but others is not on unless they give permission. This family member is an alcoholic (By their own admission not mine as it is not for me to say if they are or not - that's the drill) and bi polar manic depressive.

Their behaviour over a number of years has been systematically shocking, hurtful, selfish, morally wrong, deceitful, violent, nasty, spiteful and saddening. They have consistently abused the family and me and it has been waring and made me angry.

Their behaviour has dominated the family. Most discussions over the years on the phone or on family occasions have centred around this family member. So much so that my 40th birthday meal was taken up mostly by everyone talking about them. It made me sad, angry and pissed off. What about me!

I have grown to resent this family member and hate them. Wishing sometimes they would die to stop the relentless pain and consistent insanity. (I feel terrible admitting that)

I have had arguments and fights with other family members who have seemed to be taken by their spell and consistently allowed themselves to be hurt by them. It has been a long painful road. I have judged others in my family and tried to get them to see it my way. I now understand that to be wrong. Everyone is entitled to their own way. Another fault of mine. Lack of acceptance of others.

Recently I said 'enough is enough' and turned my back on them. For years I have lived in their Shadow. Feeling less than them. They have taken great delight to twist the knife into my worries and weak spots. Using things I have shared with them against me to gain an intellectual one up man ship. Proper sick behaviour. Not loving but hateful in my opinion.

I have judged them, told others to avoid them. I have tried many times with the olive branch but in the end I had to say 'au revoir'. They give me nothing and how long can you tolerate sickness on a grand scale. They have feigned HIV, stolen money, held everyone emotional hostage, threatened me with death, physically and verbally attacked. How much is enough?

And so it came to this week. I reflected on the situation. I have judged them. I have put them down in my head. This is easy to do. Of course you can present the facts and most would rule on your side. You can present them in a way where it can be judged 'they are bad and have done all that stuff so you are quite right to feel that way'. I now know that is playing the victim. Listing all their harms and bolstering my moral superiority. I hate that in others and i hate that in me. Ugly behaviour and one I vow to stop.

But what of the real deeper facts. What is the truth? Yes they have done all those things but am I really in a position to judge? I have lied, cheated, stolen, hurt throughout my life. I just wrap it up better and have more of a heavy heart. Not to the extent they do but in the same family. So who am i to judge?

And what of my feeling less than this family member? That's my gear not theirs. Nobody makes you feel anything I do that all by myself. That's for me to work out and make myself feel better not others. I can pin the blame on that to my family member. It's on me and my low self esteem that one.

I can't blame the actions of others on me and my behaviour. I am responsible for myself., Anything else is just playing the blame game or victim. Judging others is playing the moral judge and superior. Not a great place to be and one without even knowing it I have taken over them for years.

It has only just come to light this week. Strangely when I was watching Homeland and one of the main characters plays a bi polar manic depressive really well and has a manic episode. It is acted so so well and it made me think of my family member. It made me think i have been so judgmental and ignorant to Manic depression and it's side effects.

They have untreated bi polar for many years on top of alcoholism which has made their behaviour off the scale. Mad in many respects and difficult to deal with but this made me sad for them that they live in the madness instead of getting it treated daily with medication and strong family unit. It's a shame.

It made me have more empathy for their condition and made me embarrassed by my moral judgment all this time. I am no better. I am no worse. I am me,. They are them. Sickness and all.

Obviously we have to protect ourselves and people have a responsibility to themselves to treat illnesses. The tough questions are what do you do if a person refuses to believe or get help for bi polar or alcoholism? Do you let them continually destroy you and the family? It's heart breaking particularly for a parent but you have to protect yourself and learn to let go. The behaviour of those two illnesses is incredible and the damage immense. I have the utmost respect for both conditions.

So I arrived at a feeling of empathy for this family member. I can't imagine living with something like bi polar that makes you either massively manic and insane or chronically low so you cannot get out the house. It must be hard.

In order to grow as a human and practice what I preach I can no longer afford to be judgmental. I also need to learn more about illnesses and people before I form an opinion. I am not to be a doormat for people who are ill to use as an excuse to behave badly but I need to help if I can and not be such a morally superior dick about things. Nobody likes a know it all. And if you know it all, what else is there to know? End of journey.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this today. I guess it's coming to the end of the year. One tends to reflect at this time, over the next few days. It is always a time of the year to look back and look forward. To reflect on where you are, what you are. what you want to do and where you want to go.

I'm not into wanky resolutions, but I see the value in setting personal goals. I take faith and confidence from setting out my objective to write every day this year and I have. I must also look to improve and change.

I'm not saying that i will become saintly and good. I think the Arch Bishop of Canterbury is safe for another year. I still have the devil in me and the capacity to hurt others and act selfishly and wrong is still inside me.

But I have a desire to change, to grow, to move forward and be a better man. A better human. We are not saints. We are on a journey of spiritual progress. At least i am, trouble is I only remember that for around 5 days a year. Today is one of those. #Reflective.

xx