Day 337 - Mon 17th Dec - Service Keeps You Sober

I feel about as Christmasy as a Turkey at a Bernard Matthews party. Not in the mood today. I'm usually one of those saddo's who likes the run up to Xmas but today it's just annoying me.

Endless questions from people. 'What are you doing', 'Where are you going?' "What about New Years?'. Christ it's just so fucking mundane. Unless you are religious or have young children what is it we are really celebrating? Is there a meaning to it? It's got to be about family right? Love? Togetherness and of course overspending and overeating.

Best thing about this Xmas will be 3 things;

1 - I'm spending it with my mother on the 1st Xmas without me lovely Nan..

2 - I'm doing AA service on Xmas night

3 - I'm doing more alkie service at Crisis on Boxing day

If i was humble and earnest and 'well' I wouldn't feel the need to share about doing service over Xmas would I? What do i want? A Medal? Did I share it to make myself sound like a better human being? To get the sympathy vote? To make myself look like a good egg?

The truly humble don't make it public they just do it. I suppose I shall work towards that in the future but today that's all that I'm feeling Xmasy about. Bah Humbug.

I had a lesson today in why service is so important for me in AA. Basically I shouldn't be talking about AA in a public blog. It's an anonymous fellowship and not to be discussed publicly. I'm breaking all kinds of traditions etc but i think I've been skirting around in this blog over past few weeks and not being true to myself. Back to me today. I've been too concerned with trying to be funny or clever or interesting.

I've lost the truth in that if I'm feeling shit i say I'm feeling shit. If i have a great day then i write 'I'm having a great day'. If I feel creative then I'll try and be funny.

Fuck it. I feel angry and disconnected from the world today. I just do. Tomorrow no doubt will be different. No need for a post mortem or thorough examination into my emotional state. I just feel fucked off that's all.

So with that in mind I am co secretary of a meeting in Tooting on a Monday night. It means I take the meeting, open it up, get a speaker and close it. No more. It's not heroic. It's not important. It's just service. It's not being a good egg. It's just what the drill is.

AA encourages you to stop being a selfish "what about me. I need me. Me. Me/.Me. Me selfish whining sod". It encourages you to give something back. To get off your arse and actually contribute. Many don't in AA. They just come to meetings, drink the tea, sit in a chair, dump their shit and then fuck off.  I decided from an early age of sobriety I didn't want to be like that.

Alcoholism is a silent foe. It is greedy. Greedy for attention. For self obsession. If unchecked and untreated it will gobble up all the self pity, all the attention, all the drama, all the well meaning in the world. That's why it's so difficult/annoying to listen to/see/read.

If i allow myself i can disappear into a VAT of my own up my arsness and selfishness. So i do the most practical things AA suggests which helps to stop me retreating into me. That's called service.

If it wasn't for being co secretary tonight I wouldn't have got out the door and got to the meeting. I would have stayed snuggled up indoors reading my book '44 months with Cowboys' (an Xmas present for someone which i thought I'd carefully read this weak - pikey!) with the heating on full blast.

I thought 'fuck it' I'll get someone to cover for me. Even though its my medicine. Even though i know it will make my head feel better. Even though it will restore me to being reasonably normal. I still think after 11 years. Fuck it. It's too far across London.I'll go tomorrow.

Then my head will start seeking excuses. Traffic is bad. It's 10 miles. It will take you ages. You're always doing service. Rest your back. You deserve to rest. They all speak shit anyway. It's determined not to let me go. Anything to keep me away from being well. It's that alcoholic little monkey in my mind goading me into isolation.

What if tomorrow never comes? What if I didn't go and decided to carry on in my life on my own resources? Well armed with the facts of what my head is like it wouldn't be pretty. Sure I'd carry on as normal for a while but it would be a struggle. My head is a loud enemy and experiencing inner demons of fear, isolation, self pity, anger, arrogance, selfishness would eventually catch up with me. That's when the big two dangerous of any alcoholic would come into play. Fuck it.

'Fuck it i can't be arsed. Fuck it I'll do that tomorrow. Fuck it I'll have a drink. My mind works in a weird way. First it will be fuck it. Then fuck you. Then fuck me. Then fuck everything.

So because I had service I had to go. I left the house (reluctantly) turned up, did what I had volunteered to do. Despite myself and against my better thinking i turned up, loved the meeting and felt better. Ahhh that's whey they suggest you do service. I get it now. Clever, practical results and I didn't need to pay a shrink £500. It's not exactly rocket science is it?

Service keeps you sober and as my pal tells me 'you can't pick up a drink when you're hands are in the sink'. I'm lucky. Lets hope I wake up tomorrow feeling less like a spree killer, though that's a pretty insensitive analogy. Grrrr

Tomorrow I will be less of a miserable bastard readers. That's if any of you want to read on!

x