On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Three French Hens
The Three Theological Virtues:
1) Faith, 2) Hope, and 3) Love (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Three French Hens? Are you taking the piss? Whoever made this little carol up was clearly worse for wear on French vino. Now we all like a bit of chicken, but on the 3rd day. 3 of them? Come on. Give us a break. That's just fowl. (Sorry)
Who says they are chickens? Hens is Scottish for women. It could well be on the 3rd day of Christmas the lord sorted me out 3 French brasses (prostitutes) who went like the clappers. Just to get you in the festive mood of course. I mean to prepare for the nativity takes a lot of energy and commitment. Nothing like a dirty turn out with 3 Parisian prozzies to get you in the mood.
Who says they are chickens? Hens is Scottish for women. It could well be on the 3rd day of Christmas the lord sorted me out 3 French brasses (prostitutes) who went like the clappers. Just to get you in the festive mood of course. I mean to prepare for the nativity takes a lot of energy and commitment. Nothing like a dirty turn out with 3 Parisian prozzies to get you in the mood.
But I'm better than that aren't I? That's just base, filthy and crass. Women readers will be appalled and slightly put off. However If the 3 French hens represent 3 theological virtues. (Read carefully blokes as the only Theo that they usually like is Walcott) Faith. Hope and Love i think is rather lovely.
Mind you I'd love to turn up at a Xmas party at a works Xmas party with 3 hookers called Faith, Hope and Love. Watch out on Xmas day Mum you may have extra company. Not that I'd do anything of course. I've nothing against hookers. Just not my thing. It's the whole not kissing thing and having to pay for sex. Bit of a turn off really. However it is a very aged and old fashioned tradition and Man (and women) will always need sex or as i like to call it 'fornication' (Top old school word of the day)
Anyway I really went off on a ridiculous tangent there. Faith. Well what is life without it? Hopeless. And life without hope? Er hopeless. Without these life is Pretty sodding miserable in my experience. I need a faith in something. Even if it's someone else, a movement, a football team, a religion, a god, the universe, good orderly direction, whatever. Any kind of faith stops life being so bloody neat. That's not neat as in American cute. Neat as in no buffers. Life without faith is like a spirit without a mixer. Harsh and raw and hard to digest. I'm on board with faith and hope.
That leaves love. My god what a huge subject. Love of what? God, me, you, partner, wife, clothes, women, v neck jumpers, cars, money, DIY, Christmas, God, humans, families. Love is such a big thing for such a small little world and we are all after a bit of it aren't we?
Love is really the central hub to the world. You can't be in fear or hatred if you are expressing love. Love is usually in expression to others. Trouble is. It's usually wrapped up in other things. True love is where it's at, so difficult to find yet so easy to get. A bit gobbly gook but i know what I mean! It's in front of all of us, so simple yet I usually end up missing it. I want it to be in Holywood, strobe light form. A glamorous majestic form. That's why i sodding miss it. It's usually much simpler, much more real, much more 'now' and much more 'in front of you you dopey bastard'. It can be a beautiful frost bitten morning or someone cooking you something. A smile, a thought, a text (Happy 20th birthday to texts today by the way) a random act of kindness, someone noticing something about you or even just a feeling of well being. Either that or it's a $10 whore from Paris.
Love is something that is awesome. Trouble is why do I love things that are so harmful to me and resist the love that is so good? For example I love muffins. I don't love salads. Think on Evans.
Love is something that is awesome. Trouble is why do I love things that are so harmful to me and resist the love that is so good? For example I love muffins. I don't love salads. Think on Evans.
Anyway back to today. Time for a test readers. Are you feeling the festive spirit yet? Do you know what today is? Today is Mega Monday or Cyber Monday. It's the official start of xmas shopping!! The busiest online shopping day of the year. The first Monday of December is the busiest online day because everyones been paid and looking to get Xmas presents online in time for them to be delivered. £0.5 billion will be spent today. That's £10,000 a second, or on average 78 transactions a second, 115 million purchases throughout the day.
That's fucking insane. In the time it took you to read that sentence there were 240 transactions totalling £30,000. Mental huh? That's basically £15,000 of shitness purchased by blokes. Around 100 blokes bought their women a right load of old wank in the past 3 seconds. The internet has revolutionised the way we Xmas shop in the world. We are a world of consumers. You're consuming my random thoughts on this blog and people as we speak are buying buying buying. Consume, consume, consume. Where will it end? Will the thirst to consume ever abate?
The most searched for items are tablets. Ipads mini and Kindle Fire HD, followed hotly by the Iphone 5. Jesus Christ. Where will it end? The Iphone 287. The most advanced technology. In fact you won't even have to click or fill in your credit card details. If you think it, they will automatically convert it into a sale. I worry about technology. I really do. I wonder if it makes the world any better?
Thankfully The most searched for toys are Scalextric (hooray old school) and Lego. At least kids want to build shit or drive stuff. Thank god for those old 2 toys. Timeless classics. I remember many happy days getting scalextric for Christmas and playing it endlessly on the big day. Cars flying off the track on every corner and almost wetting myself when i got the banked corners. That and subuteo, action man, operation, simon says and Commordore 64 and i was as happy as a pig in shit. (I shall deal with nostalgic xmas prezzies as a kid in another advent blog)
It must be the only day of the year when porn and sex (fornication online) takes a back seat to shopping. Still, I'm sure the average bloke won't let that get in the way of his compulsory bad choices of underwear. She wants Myla or Agent Provocateur. He gets PVC Nurse outfit from Anne Summers. She wants erotic he gets Black Mamba. She wants Laboutins he gets New Look. She wants diamonds he gets Diamond White. It doesn't matter if blokes go into a shop or online. We're still bollocks at buying presents.
They are mind boggling figures though and just goes to show, Recessison? What recession. On the day George Osbourne announced we are genuinely fucked and austerity measures will be tightened and spending cuts will get worse we spend our way to consumer happiness. It doesn't count if I'm doing it online right? It's all on the plastic. I'll worry about it later. Should we really get prezzies at Xmas? Should we not go more old school and forget about all the gadgets and pomp, fuss, consumerist frenzy and capitalist greed? Fuck me I sound like Trotsky now. Just call me Comrade Evans. Bah Humbug.
Having said that. Consumers are far more Savy now. They are prepared to shop around and purchasing online is cheaper so fair play to people. You can't really complain. It's just a modern way of shopping. A sign of the times.
It's a shame though as you don't get that full Xmas shopping experience. You know that lovely nostalgic feeling of Christmas shopping?
That huge crush, the endless queues, the dopey fucker paying by cash & credit card individually, the people clogging up the aisles, the carol singers out of tune, the beggars in Xmas hats, the pissed up office workers spewing on the sidewalk. Oh how we love Xmas shopping. The endless carols in each shop, the late night shopping, the car parks full so you get a parking ticket, the 'can't park on the red routes', the traffic, the higher prices, the shoulder injuries from hurling bags around and the total and utter stress of what to get for whom and for how much. Ahhh Christmas shopping.
In fact. Fuck it. I'm going online. Put the carols on the CD (sorry on the Ipad mini HD version 78 Nano GTI), put a tramp in the corner, invite a load of people round so you can barely move, create a queue for the toilet and then sit down at your laptop (old school) and shop away.
Dilema tomorrow readers. I have an open spot booked at a new comedy club in Barnes. Of course in the true tradition of this little gayboy i haven't learnt my lines and written a 'tight little 5'. I have the fear and it's been on my mind for days. I have my 'Blokes Guide to Xmas' and a whole host of stuff from the year. Turning 40, Marathon, Olympics, Tesco Mobile advert. But i wanted to keep it entirely to xmas. I'm debating whether to do it or not.
Strange thing fear. It can paralyse you and stop you doing anything. I have to take the hit that i havent prepared as much as i could have done. That one's down to me. But if the Three Theological symbols of today are Faith, Hope and love, then maybe I should employ them as my mantra and give it a go. What's the worst that can happen?
It's better to try and fail than not try at all right? Nobody likes a quitter. Doing stand up (and I am a total part time amateur by the way) is truly terryfying. You can talk it through all you like in your kitchen and think 'I'm really funny'. But when you get infront of people and they are expecting you to be funny it's so hard to forget that, relax, be yourself and try to remember your material. I have massive respect for ALL comedians. No matter how good or poor. It takes nuts to do it.
Having said that i should give myself credit as i get up most months without a script, material and just ad lib it. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not. The real gold moments are when you create on the spot and go with it. I love doing that but really should have some decent material as a fall back. Just like anything else it requires discipline and hard work. Two things I am very poor at.
Still if all else fails I can always do a yuletide log on stage. It may not be funny but at least i'll be remembered.
Merry Christmas
xx
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