It's the eve of the end of the world. The Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world on 21st December 2012. That's tomorrow. (Or today if you're reading this blog on the 21st - but then again there wouldn't be anything to read. We'd all be gone)
Are you preparing? Do you believe it? According to BBC News 1 in 10 people believe it to be true. But then 1 in 10 people are clinically insane or high on smack. Why the fuck did I buy all those presents? And why did I make an appointment for the dentist on 3rd Jan? The smart (or mentalists) will have delayed buying presents until tomorrow to see if those Mayans had it right. But then again if it does end what does it matter if you have enormous debts? Fuck it, we may as well go mental and tuck in.
To mark this occasion Lynx launched an 'end of the world deodarant' and soundtrack and marketing campaign to celebrate. Those marketing wankers will latch onto anything for a quick buck. There is something nicely ironic about a company turning an ancient belief of Armageddon into $'s. Commercialism in all it's awful glory. As Bill Hicks said anyone in Marketing should kill themselves. Oh god. That's me then.
'Live every day as if it's your last' is the old Maxim to squeeze every drop out of life. So that's exactly what I did today. I didn't want things to end with regrets. All those things I should have said and done (sounds like it could be a song) - so today I did them.
Firstly I got up and had an extra cup of tea. I took my time and took in This Morning and Jeremy Kyle. Though to be fair if you did that every morning the end of the world couldn't come quick enough. 60 minutes of that shit and you feel like ending it all.
Then I went down to the job centre to sign off. No point in claiming when the world is no more. Then it was off to lunch in the orange Tree, Richmond. This used to be a mans pub. Now it's all soft furnishings and Chesterfield sofas. What the fuck happened here. They even had 'Baked Camembert' on the menu and I swore I saw 'Jus' on the main courses. Oh my god the bastardisation of the pub is complete.
Still it's the end tomorrow so I'm willing to make allowances. However one thing I am unable to make an exception to is screaming children in pubs. I couldn't give a toss if the globe goes up in flames tomorrow. I want it on fire and burning up with bastard kids banned from bastard pubs. They are an adult domain. You go into pubs to get away from the little fuckers. First it was Shepherds Pie, then soft furnishings now kids. What the fuck happened to our great British pubs. Where men were men and women were bored. Thank god I don;t drink anymore and have no right complaining.
They used to be a place to drink, talk bollocks and lose all your money cultivating a swollen liver. Now they are all middles class 'eateries' and 'kitchens'. With a fancy menu and a chalkboard. I had a business meeting. (hardly any point as the only business worth conducting tomorrow is the business of death) But the meeting was routinely interrupted by a screaming 2 year old running around. The miracle of children was soon replaced by mild irritation, followed by huge annoyance, followed by a quiet word with the group of mothers gathered together to shut them the fuck up (politely of course).
I wrestled with a business decision all day. My head was hurting and i didn't know what to do. In the end I phoned up some experienced people, seeking advice. Was given some clear, good solid practical guidance. Made a decision (To turn some money down) which was tough but ultimately right and felt much better, clearer and empowered. I'm so shit at making decisions so to make one finally felt good. Particularly a right decision.
And so to the last evening on the earth? Well I hit up an AA meeting of course. Yes there is a huge temptation to go on a monumental bender (the drinking kind) but I think I'd rather keep my mind about me if the end comes. I ate steak, kept it simple and just before midnight slapped a load of Lindt Chocolate down my neck and some pork scratchings. Yes I know how to live. Eeking out every last drop of fun from life. MMM, maybe I need a rethink?
I don't believe it though. I'm one of those 9 out of 10. However if it really was going to end you can be sure after seeing all my friends and family, eating everything I like I'd be induging in another kind of pork scratching that's for sure.
If it all goes up tomorrow It's been lovely knowing you. I'll see you on the other side. I leave with a few regrets but ultimately I can look myself in the mirror and say, 'Yes you do look a bit like Nighy. Beckham and Ramsay don't you'
Bye
x
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