Day 325 - Weds 5th Dec - Advent Day 5 - 5 Golden Rings!

This Blog Covers the 5th Day of Christmas, Pissing People off without meaning to, Quality Street and Ego

Hooray finally it's the 5th day of Christmas. Our favourite day. Why? Because it's the 5 golden rings of course. Everyone knows 5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the "Pentateuch", which gives the history of man's fall from grace' don't we? I bet that's the first thing you thought of this morning wasn't it?

That's not the real reason we like the 5th day though. No the only reason we love the 5th day Of Christmas is because it's the only line in the song we can remember...and sing. The rest of them you can mumble and just about get through but '5 Golden rings' you can really belt out with gusto and relish.

I'm not a great singer and Christmas Carols are not my forte but everyone thinks they sound awesome on '5 golden rings' and sing like Pavaroti when really they are more like Lanzarote.

I was feeling pretty chirpy from last night and would have liked the day off but I had to graft. I always feel like a round of applause for doing something normal after a gig. Like i am heroic or something for going to work. That's the ego there and then.

I have a dodgy back so i was referred by my GP to an NHS Physio centre for an early morning physio appointment with the world's worst physio who I managed to offend without even trying.

It's the first NHS Physio I have ever seen & she basically started off by saying she is not there to give treatment it is up to me to manage it & do the exercises to make it better. A classic 'hospital' pass if ever i saw one (apologies for the pun)

I felt like a statistic. She of course did the whole duty of care MOT and then looked at the back. She  rubbed it a little & then cradled me to stretch it out (No i didn't ask for 'extras) and then taught me some exercises a 90 year old should do, in a tone of voice that was similar one uses when speaking to a 3 year old, or a dog.

I am awful at hiding my thinking. I always think people read me through my eyes as my brain is often telling me something loudly that really shouldn't come out of my mouth. My ego was screaming at me to leave and that this was fucking useless. I stayed.and really tired hard to be charming and humble and grateful for free NHS help.

However when it got to the point when she was teaching me to bend down to pick up a pencil it started to go wrong. "Bend your knees. Keep your back straight, you try it. So I did. I bent down, bent my knees and she said "Good, well done". I felt like a puppy being rewarded. The ego was screaming at me. "This is demeaning". I felt humilated. Like this was below me.

I could take no more, 'I'm sorry I'm not really sure you need to tell me how to bend down, can't we just move on'. She seriously looked at me like I'd just said, 'I eat babies'. She looked horrified. I'd clearly offended her. Then she gave me a lecture about how we never bend down properly and that it is our responsibility to look after our back and that you should blah blah blah...." I needed to get out. Bless you NHS and all who work for it but please let me get the fuck out before I stab myself to death with her pen.

In a beautifully ironic moment, she stooped down to pick up her pad off the floor in the totally incorrect fashion. It was a life equivalent moment of 3 bells and a nudge on a fruit machine. Nice.

It made me think I just cant keep my trap shut. I just offend people sometimes and i can't help it. Like a form of tourettes. She was a lovley little person and i could have just kept my trap shut, let her do her statisical lame treatment and toddled off. I didn't need to snap. That was my ego and sometimes i can't shut the little fucker up.

I tried to back track and ask her how long she had worked there. How much I admired people who work for the NHS and what she was doing at Xmas. Even that managed to sound like I was asking her on an Xmas date. I really wasn't coming across well this morning. It was my first experience of NHS treatment and it felt a little like i was a statistic to be ticked off and sent out. Having said that the truth is it is my responsibility to look after my back, do the stretching, strengthen the gut and maintain a level of fitness. Trouble is I'm a lazy bastard and rarely keep up daily stretches (who does?) and just want a quick fix. My responsibility not the NHS'. Plus of course the NHS does do an amazing job and we are lucky to have it in this country so really I should shut the f***k up.

I headed into the office & later in the day I managed to upset someone else wihout even realising and nearly offended someone at the office without even trying. What is wrong with me today?

I sealed myself off from the outside world and surrounded myself with caffeine, gum and turkeyham. I was renedered harmless, emerging unscathed as did the world thank god. I headed for home.

This is when it got real fun as I gernuinely love driving 2 1/2 hours home in traffic on the north Circular. No really I do.  Especially when I have no battery in my phone. Oh god!!!  What do I do? Listen to music? radio? Think in silence. I need my phone. I am naked. Lost. Something is missing. My phone is dead...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It was my penance for being a knobhead.

Finally i got home at 8.30pm. Too late for a meeting. Too tired to exercise. To miserable to phone anyone. I bought some minor xmas decorations for my gaff. This is a tough question. If you live alone and are single and rarely have anyone over to visit. Do you put xmas decorations up? Isnt it a little sad? Is there a possiblility you sit there on your own staring at the decorations with TV adverts full of families all in love at Chritmas and you look up at your tinsel and think 'I wonder if that will hold around the bannister'. Just fleetingly of course.

If you live alone Christmas can be lonely. There are over 250,000 OAPs in UK who will be alone this Christmas. That is sad. .............There's nothing worse than food shopping for one for Xmas. It's when you go over to the set Xmas meals for 1 bit in Sainsburys. That's exactly where the Samaritans should have a sticker. Just in case. Sainsbury's are bringing out a new festive food range called 'I can't Believe your still single'. Not sure it will take off though.

I bought a massive load of chocs for my Xmas comedy night tommorrow to give out to the lovely audience for 'who's had the worst ever xmas present or xmas' competition. I like to laugh at misery. It helps with mine.

I got Quality Street ( mandatory at Xmas), Terry's chocolate orange, a yard of Galaxy, massive toblerone, mince pies, xmas pudding and a huge Lindt chocolate ball that looks like a gonad after it's been caught in a door. The sweet companies are weird. All they do at xmas is pack all the shit they sell all year into SUPERSIZE festive packs and think stupid consumers will fall for the blatant marketing trick and snap them up as prezzies. I did.I love them.

I was tired tonight so it got to 11.45pm and I was faced with 2 choices. Bed or Quality Street. Only one choice and I one by one I munched on tomorrows Xmas raffle until only the shit ones were left. It's a classic Xmas thing to do. The ones that are left are like the fat kid at school when you're picking teams for games. It's usually the toffee ones and Coconut that are left.

Being a compulsive over eater and addicted to sugar I of course cracked on to the Terry's Chocolate Orange. I remember getting them as a kid. Always associating them with Xmas. There is something about having a chocolate in segments like a real orange except it has around 3,000 calories and tastes about 3000 times better than a real orange. Fuck it, isn;t overeating and binging on chocolate what Xmas is all about?

I scoffed that too, except they had 'sexed it up' and put popping candy in it. It went off in my mouth making you feel like you've chowed down on a girl who'd been drinking champagne. Weird.

I managed to steer clear of the yard of Galaxy thank god and went to bed for what will undoubtedly be a horrible nights sleep. I've yet to see it in any health guide that a massive OD on sugar before bedtime is good for you. We shall see. Still at least I only offended myself. The world is safe for a few hours and i shall try my hardest to be super lovely tomorrow and put my ego back in it's kennel. It's not a good thing and gets me in trouble depsite my efforts. One can only try again tomorrow. Let's hope Good Nick wakes up as opposed to Shit Nick. We shall see.

Merry Xmas

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