Before I begin, someone left a comment yesterday about the advent on my blog not being accurate 'the 12 days of Christmas'. I know it applies from 25th December until the 12 days after. However for the purposes of this daily blog and in keeping with the theme of the daily advent I have borrowed a little creative make believe to fit it in.
Online Comments
It made me think about comments on articles and online publications. I recently had a couple of articles about being barred from Bikram and the 'Blokes guide to Bikram' published on an American Yoga site called www.Elephantjournal.com. It's not for payment but they have been read by over 2,500 people, which is pretty cool.
The Americans and yoga crew love a comment and it sparked around 30 of them. Some people comment on the article, some comment on their own experience or beliefs. Some just slate me (that's OK ) and some pick up on a topic covered and write about it.
What struck me is the amount of people who completely miss the point about what is being written. They take things too literally and effectively misunderstand the article as tongue in cheek, creative writing & attempt at humour. Most spiritual, yoga and 'new age' types in my experience have the sense of humour of a funeral.
When you see a comedian performing as 'themselves'. IE they are not playing a character. They come across as themselves. However they are not. They are still playing a character and it shouldn't be taken too literally. It's the Same with my articles. I write and expand the truth, the thought process and 'steroid' up my character so it becomes more vivid and in some cases funnier. I mostly try and write comically. It is also honest and from the heart of course but can't all be shits and giggles every day can it?
Max Clifford
Oh my god. There is a god. True justice. You just couldn't make It up can you? The archetypal UK PR publicist who has fought a one man campaign against public figures being liars, hypocrites and cheats. He was questioned by Police about allegations of indecent assault and under age sex with girls from 1970's, as part of the Jimmy Saville investigation.
All I can suggest is that he gets himself a good publicist. Thank you God
Xmas party at Lingfield Races
Today was the Xmas party for a company I do a little work for. To be fair it was pretty good. Big Executive box at Lingfield Winter Race meeting. 30 odd from the company. All the girls in posh frocks and all the boys in strides and Ben Sherman shirt. Cunty bollocks here strolled in with cowboy boots, jeans and blazer. An odd combination topped off with a crisp white shirt fully buttoned with no tie which, if I'm honest makes me look a little like I should be arrested as part of the Saville enquiry. It's a little Paedo. However no matter, despite the 2 hour kip I was ready for festivities.
What I noticed from the day:
1 - The lunch was truly awful. Main course of Turkey and all the trimmings looked like an aeroplane meal. A kind of deconstructed Xmas dinner. It was trying to be trendy. Example. 1 brussel sprout on the plate cut in half. Result. Fucking dreadful.
2 - When girls drink from lunchtime the noise levels increase rapidly until it becomes a mass high pitch shrill similar to a load of dog whistles going off or a gathering of hyenas. Or is that hernias?
3 - People become emotional when drunk. At 4pm you are grabbed and people want to tell you 'the truth'. Usually whilst hugging you too tight and breathing heavy alcohol fumes on you. Having managed a Rugby club for 6 years I am well experienced at getting away from these awkward situations. It usually involves saying. "Why don't i get you a drink", smile sweetly and simply walk off. They are so drunk they instantly forget what they were doing and move on to the next victim. Job done.
4- I am shit at gambling. I did £65. OK not exactly a high roller but every race I bet on was as close as Jupiter. Dreadful. I didn't even have any horse close to get remotely excited in the race. They started at the back and stayed there. I am the worlds worst gambler so I buggered off after the last race when the brandy and Baileys came out. Drunken carnage is not for me anymore.
5 - I am not good on 2 hours sleep.
The drive home made me want to kill myself. 2 and a half hours to go 35 miles crawling through Friday rush hour traffic, punctuated by a few double cheeseburgers and fries from McDonald's. That's the trouble when I have no sleep. It makes me crave total shit for the entire day and I didn't disappoint. Following this up with popcorn, 2 Eccles cakes, crunchy nut cornflakes and some Ice Cream. I took my 5-a-day recommended diet of 5 types of sugary carb shit. When I got in I immediately fell asleep on the sofa, waking up at 9pm which resulted in the world's dullest Friday night.
For some reason a cloud of melancholy engulfed me and I spent the night in a catatonic state of detached gloom. What the f*** is that all about? 24 hours earlier I was loving it in the comedy club. Now I was in isolated misery. ER hang on. 2 hours sleep. A diet of an obese hippo and a severe lack of meetings. Not exactly rocket science is it Nicholas? Must do better.
Looks like it's got to be back on clean eating plan, meetings, exercise and company to get back on track. The past few days have all been about Comedy now it's time to get the health back and stop punishing my body and mind with ultra smoking, lack of kip, no meetings and bad diet. It's no surprise that a combination of those things fucks with your head and mood. Plus of course I was missing the lavish attention that comes from performing. God I'm such a performing seal. Am I that shallow? Am i that dependant on outside affirmation? Am I that lacking in spiritual nourishment that I need outside affirmation to make me feel good? Well the answer to that tonight unfortunately is Yes.
This Friday night will not go down as one of the best in my life. The only thing for it was to watch Basic Instinct, try and catch a glimpse of Sharon Stone's minge and fall asleep again so I can wake up at 3am on the sofa, drooling and feeling as fresh as a week old Gammon that's been in direct sunlight for a week. Straight to bed.
xx
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