Day 4 of The Christmas Advent.
If we take the lyrics of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', today is 'Four calling birds'. I think I pretty much covered call girls in yesterday's blog. So no need to rehash old ground me thinks. The fact the true meaning is Four Gospels: 1) Matthew, 2) Mark, 3) Luke, and 4) John, which proclaim the Good News of God's reconciliation of the world to Himself in Jesus Christ is irrelevant. We'll just gloss over that religious shit today shall we? (So sorry my religious readers I'm being flippant. I don't really mean that as i of course respect people's faith and traditions and the teaching of the bible. I just don;t want to follow it today.
It's 12.10am. I've just got in from a comedy gig. I'm tired and I'm feeling just a little frazzled. Therefore what i want to talk about in today's advent is twofold. (I'm actually going to stretch the realms of the advent and Xmas theme here and just talk about two things that struck me about today. One of them has a slight tenuous Xmas connection so allow me to indulge myself on that score please. Having said that anything that happens in December can have a Xmas link. Because it's December I suppose)
Forgive that last sentence. It was proper dull. George Osbourne would have written something more interesting and he's as dry as fuck. I'll step it up now and get back on my game. Apologies readers.
Firstly I was mooned at today. It's been years since that happened. It's a seminal moment in my life. I am now officially 'old'. I was at a junction in my car and in front of me was a school coach wedging me in. (a coach with wheels, not a school sports coach. That's not weird if an adult sports coach moons at you whilst wedging you in is it?)
Anyway the kids on the bus were fucking around on the back seat and one of them mooned at me, making all his mates fall about laughing. I looked up at them and gave them a thumbs up, which in hindsight was a little wrong. I mean when I was 12 it was harmless fun. Now in post Jimmy Saville times when you are not supposed to look at a kid let alone give him a thumbs up for him showing you his arse is potentially a world of trouble. In addition to that I was wearing a blazer with jeans and a shirt button up to the neck, but with no tie, which is slightly paedo.
We used to do it as kids and the people you did it too were always middle aged who you wanted to shock. You wanted an angry reaction, not a thumbs up. Therefore the boys doing it to me must have thought 'he looks middle aged lets moon him'. The fact that i look like a poor man's Beckham in a hairdressers car was lost on the little fuckers. Their lack of nutrition and exercise probably affected their eyesight. I was merely giving them the thumbs up as at heart I'm mentally that age too. However on reflection it was the worst reaction. I may as well have been wearing a Jim'll Fix It medal too. Plain Wrong. I'm now old. Nuts.
Second interesting part of my day was my first comedy gig in 6 years. I know i compere my monthly club (every month doh) but i have yet to take the plunge and do a 5-7 min routine at a club. I'd booked this ages ago in Barnes, just down the road from me at a little free gig, so it would be a gentle introduction. It played on my mind all day and I had put off actually writing stuff down on cue cards for ages. I decided on doing my 'Blokes guide to Xmas'. Hard bit was editing it into coherent stand up.
I got home at 5pm from work and spent 2 frantic hours scribbling down on cue cards my material and thinking up some about Barnes.
I was asked to get to the gig at 7.45pm for an 8pm start. It was a small room in the back of the pub (aren't they all) and when I walked in there were more acts than crowd. In the end 18 people showed up as well as 12 acts. I was given the immortal words you love to hear when you're in terror and fear. 'Your 11th on Nick,' Fuck that meant waiting around all night trying to listen to the acts and not shit yourself. Luckily it was too cold outside to smoke myself to death so I was forced to watch all the acts.
It was a free night which meant most of the acts were dreadful. Fair play to them for giving it a go but some of them you had the vague whiff as an audience member of thinking 'surely I've got better things to do than be here'. It was either stay or kill myself. However any more of the guy talking about his Mum's pubes and i think you may have seen a London Comedy Club's first mass suicide. Grim.
The night went on. It was like waiting for the electric chair. People started to lose the will to live. It was like watching a box set of Foyles war. One by one the acts went through their routines of shitness until it was my turn. I was called up at 10.45pm. Notes in hand. Ready for action.
To be fair to the guy who runs it is a smashing fella and fair play to him for putting it on. Last month he had Alistair McGowan show up to try out 20. He lives in Barnes. So I opened up with, 'you're only staying because you were hoping Alistair McGowan shows up and you get a poor man's Beckham. I get called him quite a lot. And Bill Nighy. Gordon Ramsay another. But the most popular one is Bender', Not the most amazing opening granted , but I followed a guy who was talking about Jesus and French blow Jobs whilst dressed in a fleece so I couldn't really fail. As long as i didn't piss on the front row I was on a winner.
I did a bit of stuff about famous people who lived in Barnes, Freddie Mercury being the most surprising one seeing as it's so middle class. No wonder 18 people showed up. There's fuck all to do in Barnes other than go to the Farmers Market, and the pond. Presumably to drown yourself in after you've been to the farmers market.
Barnes is so middle class it wasn't until 1984 until they banned corduroy pavements. Even the ducks in the pond wear Barbour jackets. All the tramps doss down under Daily Telegraphs and ducks are fed with fresh Baguettes
Barnes was overlooked in the London Riots last year. I mean lets face it, which inner city kid wants to loot a specialist cheese shop. They wouldn't even know how to spell Camembert let alone eat it.
That was just my Barnes material. My Mortlake and Sheen stuff is better and my Putney stuff is shit hot.
I followed this up with my 'Blokes are shit at Christmas' stuff, which in parts was a bit ropey but in others is actually really good. I got good laughs so i guess it was job done. I was pleased to do it and it was worth hanging on for nearly 3 hours for. Even if it felt like 3 weeks.
My Advent message today? Don't listen to your head. Waiting is a test of your mind. For me as a recovering alcoholic my mind (and normal people of course) is a constant whirl of low self esteem, compare and despair. 'He's better than me. I'm better than him. He's funnier. I'll never be as good etc etc. The chattering monkey is off his leash and Radio ShitNick FM is playing drum and bass loud. That can make you retreat, shatter confidence and make you feel like shrinking in front of any audience. It's a real battle to keep control of it and tell yourself it's no big deal, the world still turns and to believe in what you're doing.
It's not as if I'm pro or doing 100's of gigs. It's a small pub in Barnes. It;s not a biggie. Mind you I prayed like an absolute c**t to help the big fella rid me of this horrific self centred fear.
It worked to some extent and I did it and actually enjoyed parts. I am lucky to be sober. I am lucky to have the opportunity to do it. I am lucky to be able to write and be just a little bit funny and I'm lucky I look just a touch like Beckham and Bill Nighy as opposed to that Pauline Quirk from Birds of a feather like I did a few years ago.
It feels good to do something creative and I look forward to following up with my 2nd gig in 2018. I've decided a 6 year gap between each gig is enough time to cram in 5 minutes of material for a lazy proscrastinating bastard like me. I should be headlining the 02 Arena in about 2228. Trouble is not only would I have died on stage by then but I would have died full stop. Maybe I should half that gap to 3 years between gigs?
Merry Christmas readers, only my Christmas Comedy Chops on Thursday to go then I can relax and begin my Xmas experience.
xx
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