So the day of Le Comedy arrives. It’s the day of the month I fear the most. Why? Because it’s total fear and low self-esteem. I am shitting bricks. Even though I have been doing it for 14 months. Even though I know that lots of people are coming. Even though the acts are booked and good. Even though the music is booked and even though I’ve got some awesome raffle items and on paper everything is set up. I’m still nervy and worried.
Why? I rarely prepare and learn new jokes and material. I don’t book other gigs and practice. I’m locked in self and too serious, which then makes me louder and more aggressive on stage (Oh god am I one of those people mistaking shouting louder and being ruder and more shocking, to make up for basic comedic skills?)
I am so concerned and worried if enough people will show up, will the acts be any good, will the PA work, where will everyone sit, what do I say? Can I remember any material I may have written? I almost forget to relax and enjoy it.
I was telling myself to keep it simple, that I’m the compere, let the comedians tell the jokes, but why am I doing it, if not to try and work some material into my time on stage?
People say I’m funny and would like to see more of me. So why don’t I do it? What is stopping me? Fear, sloth, self-doubt. I am worried that my material is not good enough, real enough to me or will not be funny. Yet I never spend enough time trying to craft it, make it work, make it relevant to me. I am overwhelmed and under prepared. Wow, what a great attitude to be a comedian. I am almost such a lazy sod and i spend so much time doing 'avoidance hobbies'. Hours doing things i shouldn't be doing instead of using the time constructively. That seems to be my biggest challenge. God, if i had channeled all of the time into writing i would have a book by now. Or into DIY iwould have a house by now. Instead i've a massively Strong right arm and a deep knowledge of women.
It mirrors the Marathon. Coasting, ‘getting by’. Putting in some hard work, but doing just enough and consequently ‘chalking it off’ rather than enjoying the moment and experience and working hard at trying to achieve a goal. Leaving the outcome, after putting in the preparation. God it’s like a metaphor of my life.
Am I to sit and complain about this frustrating no man’s land I place myself in (for years) or am I to do something about it?
The only answer is to Do something about it of course. So here's how it went;
The day was spent picking up raffle items for tonight, including a great fresh organic meat raffle from Butchers, last minute things and organizing. Managed to cram in a reasonably swift 10 mile run along the river and Richmond Park, which left me feeling exhausted!
Then I did my usual and spent the final 2 hours before Comedy trying desperately to write and learn some last minute material, which of course I’m going to forget as soon as I get up in front of people. Not sure even the professionals can do that! (AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT BODIE & DOYLE)
So, how did it go? (and why is this fucking thing in capitals? the computer keyboard has decided to freeze in capitals so i apologise)
78 people turned up, it was rammed, comedians were great, people enjoyed it & we raised a few hundred quid for the charity, action on addiction. whats not to like? a resounding success right?
so why did i feel so empty? i knew i hid behind doing raffle, auction, music breaks etc. i knew the truth and the truth is deep down i bottled it. seems like i’m being ultra harsh on myself, but i won’t be truly happy until i know i’ve done myself justice, been true to myself, put the effort in and left the result up to a higher power.
not hide behind props and ‘fillers’ because i’m scared and too serious about me.
time to stop that shit. would it really matter if people didn’t laugh if i knew i’d done the prep and liked what i’d DONE? believed in it. a cause. in myself? No – it wouldn’t.
so, i think, yes i can learn from this. trouble is i’ve felt this way off on and on for 10 years. time enough to change, as i have tried to do several times, but it doesn’t last. so today i am hoping that by airing it, grassing myself up, it will help to instigate the change.
oh, and final thing – i auctioned myself off for charity at the end of the night. how much did i fetch? eighty quid. Eighty fucking quid? Jesus christ, I'm officially worth less than an ipod. says it all really. even kettles are worth more than me. not good for self esteem or the charity. still, thanks alex for paying it. she cheered me up a little by saying she would have gone up to £300. But disappointingly you can book Lionel Blair for less than me. back to the drawing board!
don't give up the fight!
xx
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