The Weekend!
Friday night for me used to be about going out and getting c**ted. Having a blast. Letting rip. Letting out the weeks frustrations and problems into a huge bender. Usually lasting until the early hours of Monday morning.
It was a relief, A pressure release. Rather like a really good poo. You know when you've been touching cloth for most of the day. Finally the relief. That was what a Massive Friday drinking session would be like for me. To escape from the grind. Have fun. Get on the lash. Preferably on Friday lunchtime.
Trouble is, i used to end up either punched out, blacked out or kicked out. Something usually happened, hence the need in the end to stop drinking. It could have got allot worse. I was lucky i suppose, as i was about to tilt over the edge into chronic daily. The life was starting to spin out of control. I stopped in time as they say. Took me a year really. Off pain, anger and resentment. But finally i stopped and don't really crave it or need it anymore.
But what of the frustrations? I still have those. As everyone does. It's called life. But i still have my head, my thinking, my attitude. My 'alcoholic' maladjusted view and reactions to life. I still get the build up. The head and world feels heavy. But what do i do to let out the frustrations now that i don't drink?
Well in the past 10 years of sobriety I've used pretty much everything there is to divert and let out frustrations? To get away from real life. In some horrid 'Recovery' language, they call it 'fixing'. Which basically means - instead of feeling your feelings, alcoholics run away from them, cannot stand them so use something to change the way you feel. Ie 'Fixing'.
I understand the concept, but not sure I'm comfortable with the term. However in 10 years i have used, pursued or even obsessed on the following things to make me feel better. In no particular order by the way;
Snooker. Spend hours lost in the game and dingy dark hall smoking and playing. Lovely
Porn - spend hours lost in the porn in a dark room smoking. lovely. Never enough
Women - god i could write a whole book there. Let's just say never enough, More of everything please.35 texts a day from them telling me I'm wonderful is nice, but about 65 too few.
Food - love a binge up on utter shit
DVD box sets - The best invention after penicillin - hours, days spent saying 'just one more episode only to find you've watched 3 series back to back'
Clothes shopping - Oh my god if i don't buy that item my life will be utterly shit, however if i get it everything in the world will be complete. Plus who doesn't get a buzz from getting a great bargain?
Ironman/running - hour upon hour of putting yourself through pain and torture - mmm, why do i love that but i do. Plus of course it makes my body look awesome.
Bikram Yoga- spending 90 minutes in a hot room in speedos surrounded by women wearing very little - whats not to like?
Holidays - Not as bad now but every 6 weeks get the urge to jet off somewhere new.
sex - Hours upon hours in the pursuit of. One of the real bonuses of sobriety and addiction is that i have become world class at it. Makes me sound a egotistical twat, but true
Falling in Love/Lust - Is there any better way of making you feel better?
These are just some of the areas i have used to get rid of frustrations and thoughts of life. But tonight? after a heavy week and with the emotions running high. I was tired. Demotivated, felt sorry for myself. Didn't want to run. Reverted back to lots of tea/diet coke/smoking routine, so making myself feel physically poor again.
I went to a meeting. Not just any old meeting, but my old home group in Richmond meeting of AA. Now i do allot of meetings. I share allot. Why? Because it helps me with the release of pressure, helps me grass my head up, makes me see that my head is out to get me, gives me perspective of life (people with severe illness or problems but dealing and accepting them with grace and peace and dignity and courage)
It just helps to balance me, stops the collision course with me and the world and makes all well again in me and life. It's not about the drinking so much now, But the reason i have to keep going/want to keep going. Is that without it, the pressure, the thoughts, the head would become so full and frustrated i would have to drink again. And i can't stop when i start. So really, it';s simple. It's a direct replacement for alcohol - and it's great.
So that's today really. No running or training. If I'm honest i couldn't be arsed even if i had the opportunity. Dealing with chronic alcoholic for 3 weeks has taken its toll. My diet and energy are bad and it has a knock onto my training. My responsibility to change it around though.
Again. no change on me Nan. They haven't tested her yet as to why there is a blockage and haven't really fed her. Its only the pushing from me Mammy that is making them treat her. Off to Wales tomorrow to visit her, as they feel there is not long left.
My job, go visit. Be good grandson and son and be there to support and listen. Oh, and run allot of miles along Llanelli beach,. Gower Peninsular and have a really cheap sunbed as everyone in South Wales is the colour of Furniture Polish. There we are then. Lovely, and those then on it
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment