The inside Job is an exploration of how one can change thinking and behavioural patterns in order to lead a better, happier life. I set out on this adventure in 2014 with the sole intention of lifting a lid on my alcoholic destructive personality traits through blogging daily about the attempt to change.
So far it has involved chanting, meditation, the AA programme (the only constant) quitting diet coke (unsuccessfully so far), looking at smoking (still waiting on that one), looking at financial sobriety, recovery, relationships, positive thinking and new forms of recovery.
Some progress has been made in a few areas, not so much in others. The point is I'm on the journey. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I am in my 9th week of my new full time job and enjoying it very much. It has made me face a few challenges with regards to priorities and time management, but overall I am really enjoying the opportunity.
I have to admit, some of the areas I started doing earlier in the year have slipped. The meditation, yoga, regular exercise, chanting, even my regular AA meetings have decreased. This has resulted in an increase in caffeine, smoking, diet coke, sweetener, mild intolerance, impatience and fits of temper. The pace of my mind has quickened as my job has lit up my imagination and brain, sometimes to the detriment of my personal life.
When you throw all your energy into your work, other things can become less important. I'm sure many people can identify with this at some point or another.
The difference for recovering alcoholics is that without taking care of ourselves or the disease, our mental health can slip. This is an incredibly subtle process that most people find impossible to spot. Least of all ourselves.
The lack of meetings is lethal and I can spot the disease ever so slightly taking over my mind. I'm still functional of course and committed to my job. That is not affected as you pour all your energy into making it a success. But other elements can start to creep. Queues get longer, people tend to walk too slowly. It can soon build up.
This progresses until you fall out with people. Pointing out their faults, whilst conveniently over looking your own. The less meetings you do, the more the finger of doom comes out.
You also start making excuses for not doing meetings. 'I'm tired, I have work to do, I'll go tomorrow'. These are well worn behavioural cycles for the alcoholic. The first stages of the mental twist.
So what's the result of all this? Well if you play it out in the long term (months, or years) it will always end in a drink. That much is sure, it's just nobody can predict the time frame on that one.
So why am I opening today's blog with that preamble?
It's because I experienced that early stages of the mental twist today. I'd like to share it with you so you can see the mind turn and how it could end in tears if fast forwarded.
I'm 12 years sober. I don't crave a drink, want a drink. I've done thousands of meetings. I've got tremendous awareness of the subtly of the disease of alcoholism and I'm behind the 12 step fellowship as a way of living. I would consider myself in the middle of the AA bed and I don't intend to get out any time soon. So I'm solid yes?
I have a steady job, relationship, friends, family who love me. I rent a house which I keep pretty up to speed, I sponsor people, I attend regular meetings. To all intents and purposes I'm doing OK, and I am. I really am doing OK.
But this is what happens if you let your meetings slip. This is what happens to your mind if you don't treat the mental illness. This is why to me, the programme is so crucial. This is my account of the slow slip into insanity;
Set the alarm for 6. Intention? Get up and exercise and fire into the week. Wake at 6. 'Fuck that I'm knackered'. Turn off alarm, roll out of bed at 6.40am. Downstairs. Nutri bullet, pray, write list for day. Feel a little groggy but get myself together. Off to work. (not a great start - already on a downer for not doing what I intended)
Take gym kit to run fitness class at lunchtime and laptop bag (I work for myself so it has loads of old and current work on it. In fact it has everything on it) Buy paper, diet coke and gum. Get ready for 30 min train journey.
Take ages at ticket booth for card machine to process payment. 3 minutes. Too long. Get annoyed. Feel the pressure building.(Complain to woman next to me who isn't listening. (Get resentment at her for being ignorant. I later spot her with earphones in. Needless resentment. I'm looking for it)
Get on train. (miss quick one, only slow one left. Minor resentment) Bag a seat, Result. Put laptop on shelf above. Plug in Ipod and begin listening to The Secret,. A self development audio book about the law of attraction (Give out positive vibes and you will get it back in abundance). Listen and read paper.
Get to Waterloo. Hop off train, listen to Audio book. walk over Waterloo Bridge. Figure I can smoke 3 cigarettes by the office. Slow train has made me 7 mins late for work (Another minor resentment) Get to Holborn, realise I have left my laptop on the train, FUCK!!!!!!!
FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. My whole life, work. everything. FUCKKKKKKK!
Make a decision to go to the office. Team meeting at 9.15am. Cant miss it. New boy. If I miss it they will sack me. FUCK. Call South West Trains. No answer for ages. CUNTS. It's their fault.
Get to work, do the meeting, call South West Trains, speak to lost property, as much use as an extra large condom for Max Clifford. FUCK. tweet south west trains to put out the word. They tweet 'call lost property'. Thanks then guys. TWATS.
Go to Waterloo. Speak to guards, staff, ticket office, check on the original train coming back to Waterloo. All the time thinking, 'This is a great opportunity to practice the law of attraction' If you expect it to come back it will.'
Ask guard at ticket office, He disappears to look. I think...'he will have it. He will have it.' He comes back. Doesn't have it. FUCK!!! My mind thinking, 'Fuck you law of attraction. Law of fuck more like.' Check my thinking.
I tell myself, 'don't be to hasty Nicholas, there are other routes'. I go to the platform. Barry helps me out. He takes me to the hut on the platform. 'Don't you worry my old son, if the cleaner found it, it will be here'. he disappears inside the hut. I think, 'think positive Nick, think positive.' I think positive.
He chats to a guard in the hut, I cant see but clearly there is a bag. Barry digs in and I can see him picking something up. 'FUCK ME YES, IT'S GOING TO BE MINE' I say to myself. Barry asks me what bag it is. I say, 'black laptop bag' - He pulls one out, 'Is this it?' He asks. My heart sinks. NO ITS FUCKING NOT!!!!'
Not only is it not my bag, it's a beautiful leather bag that's nicer then mine. Not only is my bag missing. It's shittier than the found one. A double blow. Resentment builds.
We hunt on the trains to no effect. All the while my law of attraction positive head slowly fading like a hard on losing it's edge. Soon my positive head will be as flaccid as a spent cock. Bad times. Welcome to the week Nicholas. Happy fucking Monday.
There was nothing for it. I had searched high and low. It was time to visit the dreaded lost property section at Waterloo station. Basically it's hidden out of the way under the arches. The people working there are the ones who are deemed too offensive/stupid/inefficient or mentally ill to work anywhere else on network rail. It's the one Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest of The Railways. If you crash a train at high speed, drunk with 400 people on board you aren't sacked. You are sent to lost property.
My mental disintegration was completed after 5 minutes with them. Not only did they palm me off but took great joy in reminding me they have 1500 items pass through a week. Almost rubbing it in that I am one of the 1500 knob heads and now I must pander to their power. CUNTS.
Report it missing. They say they would call me within 5 working days if it's handed in. Great. No chance. Law of Attraction now turning into Law of Retraction. Return to work.
Of course in my heart I knew it was my responsibility. I knew it wasn't the end of the world. I knew it was only a laptop, but in modern life it's like losing a limb. 'I cant carry on or do anything. I am useless without this information tool'. I felt bereft. Lost. Alone. Stupid. How can I love without my laptop, I wailed.
Then my head decided to have a field day. In came the catastrophisation. 'You're stupid. Your an idiot. You don't even have insurance. Your unmanageable. It's all too much. Now you're going to have to change all your passwords and you cant even remember them all. MELTDOWN!!!!!!
The door had opened, the bad head kicked it down and stormed in.
I had to regroup. Have a word with myself. Treat myself healthily. 4 diet cokes, 3 cups of tea and 2 silk cut. I felt OK again. Ready to carry on.
Managed to get through the day, hiding my sense of intolerance and burning resentment and did the best I could.
On the walk home to the station everyone was in my way, the lights wouldn't change quick enough, there were too many people on the bus, my shirt was too tight after eating too much this weekend and I just wanted to stop everyone in Waterloo station and scream....
CCCCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Bad head. Time for home. remove yourself from society at once Nicholas. Poor you. Poor me. I should at this point have put on a bog nappy. King baby had taken over. If there was an adult rusk. I should have been munching on it. Baby
I get on the train, bag a seat. Reject listening to the law of attraction. That was the thing that made me forget the fucking bag in the first place. Listen to inane chatter of people on their phones. The bloke opposite gets his laptop out to work. Just to piss me off. Bastard. Don't you know I lost my laptop today.
Consider tweeting Sky News. But decide against it.
I had missed a meeting by now. I couldn't be out in public a moment longer. Everyone could have it. The lot of them. Other than the people I love and like, the ones I work with and know and you of course who read this blog, they can all fuck off. I'm not having today any longer.
At this point you can picture me in a nappy screaming, stamping my fists, throwing a tantrum and snotting all down myself. King sodding Baby.
And that my friends is the result of reducing your AA meetings if you're a recovering alcoholic,. Can you imagine if that went on for a few weeks/months? See why drinking happens long before you pick up a drink? That's a description of alcoholism right there.
The reality is, I could have put my name on laptop. I could have got it insured. I could have backed it up on a hard-drive. I made a simple mistake but because of my insanity I built it up into something far more than it actually is. I created it all. I can only blame myself.
The great thing about it, was that I was listening to self development at the time. That's why I love alcoholism and recovery so much. If you don't deal with that you can listen to the Dali lama, Gandhi, law of attraction and Stephen Hawkins and still be off your head.
My lesson today is deal with the basics and then I can take other things on board. Its a valuable lesson to learn. Self responsibility and I am the sole creator of all my troubles.
I'm just grateful my laptop is password protected because If some of that stuff gets out in public. Well put it this way Charlie Brooks has got nothing on me. (If you don't get that read the news about the Rebecca Brookes trial)
I don't need to hear the advice that I should pray more, do the programme, give myself over to God more, get morally judged, think more positive. I know this. It's an off day. A one off and tomorrow I'm back on it. I just wanted to give you a warts and all coverage of a sick head and where it goes. I hope it entertained you. I know what needs to be done to cure it.
We live to fight another day Inside Jobbers
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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