Day 74 - A Colossal Week

It's Friday night. I'm knackered. Done in. Spent.

I feel like a dog who's licked his balls raw. I'm not going to lie. I'm absolutely buggered.

It's been a colossal week. Super busy, some iconic moments, very little time to procrastinate, very little sleep, lots of caffeine and nicotine and I feel ragged. Both physically and mentally.

I was too busy to write yesterday. Gutted. Today has been no different.

Throughout it all I retain an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I mustn't forget I'm lucky to be in this position. That's a real saving grace. I passed a guy at the station, trying to fight against the tide of commuters going up the stairs as he tried to go down.

He was physically impaired with a slight hint of desperation in the effort he was having to put in to go down the stairs and the people bumping him as they went in the opposite direction. Taking no notice as they plugged into their ITunes. It made me angry. He had a determined look on his face, was shaking heavily and in that moment I felt a huge sense of admiration for him, an overwhelming sense of anger at the uncaring commuters and complete empathy to him. I also felt completely grateful at my situation and thanked the higher force, power, whatever it is, for my life.

Being so busy and stressed out this week  has made me feel slightly impatient and frustrated so moments like that are very special and make me realise deep down I'm on the right path and retain enough to feel good about who I am inside. I cant explain it very well but I felt more for that guy than most others I met today.

This week has been big. I bagged a deal at work (provisional), met loads of people, dined with royalty at Buckingham Palace, had lots of stress about setting up a company, came to moments of realisation about my entrepreneurial skills,  let my ego run away with me, and today I met the deputy speaker of the House Of Parliament. It's been a roller coaster.

One thing I did realise about her was her immaculate red painted nails. I wanted to comment on them but didn't think it appropriate. I love red painted nails and she had some belters. I'm not sure it Would have been the best comment to make in an ultra corporate formal environment though.

The head has been building, I'm low on meetings and my tolerance for people, places and things goes down to zero. I just want things done. I want attention. I want a gold star for being such a good boy this week.

Do I want praise and adulation? Fuck yes. Does my ego need feeding? Fuck yes. Do I demand more mental and physical attention than any normal person should expect? Of course!!  I realise all these things about myself when I don't sleep enough, load myself with caffeine and get cracking with loads of work. The adrenaline pumps, your foot starts tapping, I up my cigarette habit and generally cant wait for someone to give me all those things. My ego demands them!

I know I'm a demanding bloke and king baby sometimes, but you know what I feel I deserve it this week. Just this week. It's been huge for this little nobody. Tomorrow I will feel differently it wont matter it would have passed but today, fuck yes do I want some praise!

It's not an area I particularly like, but its odd saying that publicly when mostly I would just do things subtly and manipulatively to get the attention I crave.

I'm going to take this weekend to get myself back on track. Eat healthy, juice, go to yoga, exercise, drink loads of water, meditate, do loads of meetings. It's well needed and I would do well to serve it.

having said that, it's 10pm. I've got 3 diet cokes in my fridge, I'm polishing a resentment. I've just wolfed down some ice cream, chocolate and cake and I'm ready for a 7 hour computer session. Nobody said I had to get well tonight did they?

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans