Day 76 - Anger & Relationships

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
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"When angry count to four, when very angry, swear" - Mark Twain

I have a deep anger burning inside and sometimes when I'm on the edge and not looking after myself it spills out into a rage. That's what happened this weekend.

The alcoholic ego came out in force, an outpouring of bile, resentment & anger. I didn't become angry, I became very angry and man did I follow Mark Twain's advice. It wasn't pretty.

Of course what I didn't realise is that when I have my blow ups (occasional they maybe but pretty explosive none the less) It has a deep affect on the person on the receiving end.

It happens much less these days. I used to be awful. Firing off at all and sundry as my angry ego ran riot. It's easier to destroy someone else when you don't feel very good about yourself. I believe they call it reflection projection, or being a twat.

So this weekend, because I didn't look after myself last week. Because I worked hard, didn't sleep, ate shit, ran on adrenaline and caffeine I ended up ragged, intolerant and mind racing 20 times quicker than the rest of the world.

I have never experienced Bi polar myself but I've seen enough of it in my family to know that manic depressives sometimes just cant wait for the world to catch up and completely destroy people for being 'idiots' and not being on their level.

This is how I felt at the end of the week. So what did I do?

Did i call upon 12 years of solid recovery and remember all the tricks and traits I've been taught?

Did I remove myself from a situation and re-engage when I was feeling rested? Did I call upon my spiritual guide and help me to see another path? Did I fuck. I steamed in all guns blazing and completely asassinated someone close to me. Twat.

As the rage took over I found myself powerless to stop it. It was like a drink. As I went on, I picked up pace and momentum and became worse. The rage deepening, the resentment getting worse. I believe at one point my mind couldn't keep up with my swearing. I was lost in it.

I would have kept it going until my original point, of which I believed I was right, was acknowledged of being right and the person close to me wrong. In the big picture it doesn't matter who's right, but in that moment it was the secret of life. It was that important. I simply had to be right and would do anything in my power to get the other person to see that. They didn't so I got more and more cross.

In the end, they put a stop to it and I was asked to leave. After much protestations my ego finally conjured the words, 'nobody asks me to leave'. I stopped short of using the classic, 'don't you know who I think I am'. But that's what I was thinking. Nobody does that to the Great Nick. The oracle of all information.

I swear it was like when I was drinking.

Trouble is I don't understand or see the harm it does on the receiving end. The hurtful words and force of rage. I'm never violent or a wife beater. But I do have a bad tongue when it ocmes to hurting people.

I have spent the weekend apologising and suffering the consequences of my behaviour. Its not big or clever, but for some it's real. It happens. The trick is to learn from it, don't put myself in that position again, look after myself and if in that mood again take it to an appropriate place. Not take it out on a loved one. As I have learnt it is not acceptable.

I cant lie. Sometimes I fall down. I make mistakes. Sometimes I let my deep laying resentments get the better of me. Sometimes I'm a hypocrite and preach recovery whilst not doing it myself. That's pretty much what happened this weekend.

So I got hold of myself., went to a meeting, shared with friends, got some sleep and made amends. Thing is that's just words. The real amends is in action, as in nurturing not destroying. Try filtering that information down to my alcoholic ego sometimes. That's got to be the goal moving forward. And if I happen to be right, well that's a double bonus. (I'm not that well yet)

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas Evans