It's 4 days after my random outbreak of rage. Things have settled down. Life has moved on. We're on speaking terms. Things on the surface are back to normal. Or are they?
In the past when I was 'in' alcoholism (without knowing it), I would drink, black out and cause chaos. The immediate after-effect would be one of shame, remorse and guilt. How many times have I said or you heard being said to a partner. "I'll never do it again." "I'm so sorry." "Let me make it up to you."
And you are. You are truly sorry. You genuinely feel awful. You truly believe you will never do it again. You will swear blind that it is the last time such chaos will happen. You creep around like a lamb. Full of guilt and remorse.
But who's feelings are they for? For the person you harmed? Or yourself?
Yourself of course. The tears are one of selfish pity. You truly feel sorry but mostly for yourself. Of course you cannot say this to your partner because they would instantly leave, but that's what is playing out under the bonnet. This is when alcoholism has firmly taken over.
You apologise and do as much as you can to make things OK. Then it does get back to normal. You go back to being you, but you are totally unaware of the residual after effects and collateral damage you have caused. How can you be when you are so wrapped in self?
After a few days those feelings of shame subside and the ego kicks back in. "It wasn't that bad." "I think she made a meal out of it." "It'll be alright next time." "You were right." Left unchecked this pattern can go on for years. Partners of alcoholics, addicts and rageoholics will identify.
Even in sobriety and left untreated, alcoholism can still drive the same poisonous emotions. You are still full of guilt, shame and remorse after a rage attack. But are you really thinking of your partner? Are you really sorry for what you've done? The only antidote to this is the AA programme (for alcoholics)
Lets look at the rage for a moment. What must it be like to be on the other side of it?
I'm 6ft 2, so if I'm shouting at a woman what must that be like for her? Terrifying I suppose. Of course because I would never hit a woman I don't think I'm that scary at that moment. I think the world is judging me by my intentions not my actions. But the opposite is true.
It's like having someone 7ft tall raging at me. I'd shit myself. But the rager never sees that. The rager is lost in his/her own world of justifiable anger and indignation. Blind to the effect on others.
What happens after a few days? When the guilt and shame leave. The original resentment can linger. It's a matter of time until it happens again. Sometimes we never learn. It is a form of sickness in itself and the only way to 'never do it again' is to actually change. To understand the effects. To hear about it. To take responsibility for your actions. To do the work required. Whether it be through the AA programme, giving yourself to God or outside help. Whatever method you choose. But you have to do something otherwise the pattern plays out continually.
How many of us have stayed in bad relationships for selfish reasons? Knowing it is wrong but too scared to get out of them. Sometimes the fear of being alone keeps us in sick relationships long past their sell by dates. I know have had my fair share. It's so easy to play the victim. To be a marytr blaming the rager/or the other person for all the problems. But is there not two people in a relationship? It takes both to want to recover. The trouble happens when only one or neither does. This is an imbalance and can cause huge pain and unhappiness.
What if they are doomed from the start? What if people simply aren't right for each other? I have spent so long in the past complaining or getting cross at my partner because they weren't how I wanted them to be. Who's fault is that? Certainly not theirs as they are being themselves. It's my fault for choosing to enter it in the first place. It's so easier to try and change someone else and completely forget the only one you can change is yourself. I wish I would have known that years ago.
So can it ever get back to normal after a rage? And what is normal in the first place? If normal causes such friction then maybe the normal needs to change too.
Relationships are not easy. They require work, effort and communication. None of these are my strong points. Unfortunately like many in modern society at the merest hint of problems my attitude is 'fuck this I'm off''. Except I'm not off this time. I'm not 'benching' (lining someone else up to deflect the pain of a relationship end) I'm up for change.
There are so many positive actions one can do to change things. It is not all doom and gloom. It is all a learning process and in darkness can come light. The process of change is what The Inside Job is all about.
Communication is key. Open mindedness too. I have to be prepared to believe that I'm not right all the time. Sometimes for a man of my ego this is a stunning blow. I have to learn to shut it sometimes and let things play out. Apparently I am not God (news to me sometimes) and I have to allow people to grow at their own pace not mine. This is my hardest lesson. I want to control. I want people to do as I please. I want to tell them. "If they would only do this then everything would be fine." What does that make me? The Great Dictator. The Great Nick? Holy fuck how impossible is it to live by those rules and regulations? Both for me and others.
I admit it, sometimes I'm a total nightmare and I can find no peace, serenity OR happiness unless I learn to accept people and the world for how it is. Once I focus on changing myself then all will be fine. It's just I am a massively slow learner and it is nearly always the last thing I think of.
That is the journey, that is the friction. It's a shame others get hurt along the way but I'm taking the long game on this one. People I believe are put in our path to teach us a reason. Maybe in the past my partners haven't been strong enough to tell me 'enough' or even 'fuck off'.
Like a kid with a lax parent. You take, take, take until you are punished.
Same with an alcoholic (otherwise known as King Baby) We need to be held accountable for our actions. The alcoholic ego hates it and I'm going to hate myself for writing it, but fuck it it's out there. When I'm in ego I'm on a collision course. When I create distance between me and my ego then everything runs smooth. (Sorry guys but that is point when God or a higher power enters the equation) When I am in me, I'm on collision course, when I am in gods will then I'm not. It really is that simple. Like a spiritual Brazilian.
Yes that's right I'm going for a spiritual Brazilian which is a suitably ridiculous way to end today's rambling.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
No comments:
Post a Comment