I've missed the past few days. My last entry was Weds and fortunately (for you or me, I can't work out which) I've been busy.
On Thursday night I cooked a meal for my girlfriend. I cook on average every 2 weeks for myself, so it was good to actually make the effort. Cooking is an act of love, both for self and others. When you don't spend the time preparing and cooking good food for yourself it's another form of self sabotage.
I have been so guilty of that for large majority of my life (which all links in the self love, care and self hatred) so it felt good to cook for my woman. Plus I know for a fact that girls love guys cooking and the chances of nookie dramatically increase. I have to admit my intentions did have some selfish notions. I cant show myself to be too spiritual can I?
After a busy day at work on Friday I nipped to the gym (feels good to be back after my back is better if not fully healed), then my regular meeting, getting home at 10.30pm exhausted. I couldn't face writing so I just vegetated in front of the TV and watched Pretty Woman. Yes I really did. I watched Pretty Woman.
It was Steak and blow job day (which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard by the way) and I was watching a mushy 80's film that romanticises prostitution. I'm usually more of a 'Requiem For A Dream' type of man (If you haven't watched it, do. It's a proper harsh representation of prostitution) but I felt mentally monged, so candy floss was good.
It challenged my male ego of course. 'Is this acceptable for a man? Should I be doing this? I feel guilty and embarrassed.' What did it matter, I was alone. I clearly needed male advice.
So I texted Man Club. A Whats App group me and 3 mates have formed to keep in touch with each other throughout the day (or night) and have ridiculous male banter.
One of my mates, whom I dearly love, is so male he only speaks to people who like football. He is not a man who does feelings. He has no time for spiritual or emotional debate. He likes sport, meat and his family. He's old school. His ultimate summer's day is watching 12 hours of sport. He was perfect in this instance.
Me - "Watching Pretty Woman - Acceptable?"
Him - "Quality film that."
Bingo! Male conscience eased. I watched Pretty Woman, on my own on Steak and Blow Job day and I'm not going to lie, I actually enjoyed it. (But sscchhh, don't tell anyone)
The male ego was screaming of course, 'This isn't what Frankie Boyle would do. This isn't what all your hell raiser heroes would do. This is shit!! Look at Richard Gere's quiff for fucks sake. It's bigger than the 80's shoulder pads. And that Julia Roberts. She's not a proper whore. If she was she would be ringing out his bell-end for a $20 crack pipe."
It was told in no uncertain terms to, 'shut the fuck up' and I settled back to enjoy the schmaltzy shit. It's good to check out now and again and leave the intellectual debate aside for one second. I even shed a tear at the end. To be fair though, when I lived in Balham, next to Tooting Common, which was a notorious red light area, I used to see a lot of the prostitutes standing around waiting for business (never been my thing by the way). They never had the look of romance about them. In fact most of them looked more like Andy Roberts, the former West Indian fast bowler than Julia Roberts. Still. It's only the movies right?
That's why I didn't write my blog. I feel a little guilty but sometimes it's hard when you commit to write every day and you have live life, or you're really tired or don't have anything in your head to say. Since starting this full time job 6 weeks ago, my life has changed. The focus is now on this job. It takes up a lot of time that I used to have to myself. It's a good thing of course but sometimes I really miss that time. I do love a bit of proscratination. Or in real terms, dossing.
Since the grown up job started a lot of the things I was implementing have slipped. The morning routine, the meditation, the chanting, the connection with a spiritual force and yoga have mostly halted. This has coincide with an increase in smoking and diet coke/gum. Coincidence?
Someone mentioned to me in the week. 'I'm waiting to read about that change in you that you started off the year seeking'. It was a good point and made me ponder.
It's boring writing about the same thing every day. It's boring to live it, be in it, write it and read it. I have a deep yearning within to affect the change and write how to do it. We all need to see progress to feel we are moving forwards. Staying still is painful.
However on the other side, if you want to tell the truth you cannot pass on something you haven't got. There in lays the dilemma.
If I'm brutally honest, I asked myself, "is there change within me and this blog?
Here is my answer. In certain things no, but in the bigger picture, yes. We are always changing. Sometimes it's so subtle both myself and the outside world can't see it. It's like your hair. You can't see it growing but it does.
Here's an example - On Thursday morning I woke up in crippling financial fear. For no particular reason. But in it anyway. I was regretting the past of not being more savvy in saving and projecting the future in 6 months when my contract comes to an end and I'll be out of work. It's not a good place to be. Very negative and disabling but oh so familiar. It was dark.
I rang someone I trust on the way to work and grassed myself up. I told them my irrational fears. They listened for a few minutes and reminded me of 'living in the day' and a faith in a higher power. I always need reminding see. Sometimes prayer or meditation doesn't connect me or remind me that it's not just lonely old me on the planet. Sometimes I need reminding or at least a connection with another human being on my level to understand and say, "it's OK Nick. It's just your head."
I had already begun the process of change by confessing my shitty head to another human being. It didn't really matter what they came back, I had already started the process of removing the cancerous thoughts.
They continued on the train journey to work. Then after 25 Min's, when I was walking over Waterloo Bridge on a beautiful sunny spring morning, I thought to myself. 'You have to affect the change Nick. Work hard, put the effort in. You may get another contract. It's up to you. Go for it. Put the action in and let the big dog up there take care of the rest.'
Not exactly revolutionary stuff. You may do that naturally. I believe they call it 'getting on with it'. It maybe second nature to you - but to me? Fuck me it's like rocket science. I just needed to find the process to get there.
Nobody would have known that throughout the day. I showed up for work. did what I had to and cracked on. The process I went through I only knew, and that is the subtle nature of change. You don't need to make a song and dance about it. We all do it on a daily basis. I just thought it was an interesting example of changing behavioural patterns.
It's much easier living in the now instead of the past or future. You can get on with what needs to be done then. I liked it. For me, I need that process to get to that way of thinking. I am aware there are many other ways. I'm not a one size fits all man. But ultimately to access it you have to find some kind of spiritual way. Whatever that may be.
As they say 'you design your own life'. You get exactly what you deserve, which when you are on the receiving end of a massive load of shit, is tough to take. But it's true. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
A past of financial irresponsibility, low self esteem and fear of the future has meant I have lived my life a certain way. It all comes back to the way I have designed my life according to my head. I have been run by it and my defects for as long as I can remember, without even knowing and the consequences have meant the way my life has gone and turned out.
For me (and it's just for me) I'm comfortable with the notion of a higher power, in whatever form one wishes to choose, and I'm comfortable with the process of accessing it to help me move out of self and into the the world. Then I can be a productive human being, whether it be at work or in normal life.
That's why sometimes I am the last to know when I am entirely in self. When I am locked in fear or worry or resentment or anger or hate. When I am entirely in self it's difficult to have any light coming in. I see that today. It's a daily battle because, the dark (or self) is constantly challenging for attention. It requires constant vigilance and help from others. I cannot do it alone.
Does that make any sense? I hope it does. I don't have the answers. I am not a guru (though my ego wishes it was) but I know I am in the journey of change. For me, the smoking and diet coke are just small consequences (habits or addictions) that will be lifted once my spirit aligns itself to where I'm supposed to be at. That probably sounds like a crock of shit and a lightweight flimsy cop out, but I truly believe it.
Mind you, it maybe another addiction dressing itself up as logic and keeping me in the dark and justifying it so it sounds acceptable. I have to be prepared that my addiction can be that clever and cunning. And if I find that out, you'll be the first to know Inside Jobbers.
It's good to be back.
PS - RIP Tony Benn. A man of conviction, cause and courage. He made a mark, fought for what he believed in and had a top sense of humour.
On retiring from Parliament in 2001 he said, "Having served for nearly half a century in the House of Commons, I now want more time to devote to politics."
And finally a quote I truly love - "If we can find money to kill people, we can find money to help people". Legend
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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