Day 61 - Challenging the ego and dealing with the haters - change in action

This blog is supposed to be about change. To be honest, some days I don't feel like changing. I don't actively engage with bettering myself. Life takes over. I feel that I mostly try to do my best but sometimes I fall short.

By nature an alcoholic personality is self obsessed, self centred and narcissistic. If you think on a larger scale. What does alcoholism/addiction do? It will stop at nothing to suck all the attention, all the sympathy, all the energy out of people in it's path. Ever been married or involved with one? Draining isn't it? Left unchecked alcoholism will run riot and hoover everything up. Including the one who has it. Others are merely casualties in it's path.

So if we multiply that on a sociological level. What effect does it have on society. It bleeds £billions every year on NHS, law, police, hospitals, courts, benefits. It's an epidemic. Like obesity. Left unchecked without recovery programmes it goes on and on and on.

That's why I'm a big supporter of recovery. For me, for the family, for systems, for society. I support any kind of recovery. Not perfect car-washed recovery fresh out of the production line. Not people claiming to know the secret. I love people who share their truth, their struggles with their head, their ego, their pain of change. I find that real, refreshing and engaging. Tell me YOUR experience and I will connect with mine. Don't tell me what Mine should be. Show me how and I will try and do it.

On many days I'm 'in it' without even realising I'm in my alcoholic head and acting swervy. Does that make sense? My alcoholic ego loves my defects of character. It loves my ego. It loves being locked in me. Sometimes like a pig in shit, Wallowing around in it like a messy bog. I'm drawn to that way of thinking/acting. That is my natural ego maniac state of alcoholism. That's why I go to meetings, attend AA, try my best - it's the only chance I have of getting out of it and creating a bit of distance between the alcoholic me and the 'normal' me.

But it's not a quick process. It's a long slow job and this blog is supposed to be an authentic and honest account of that. I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be perfect, have the answers or indeed make moral and arrogant judgments on other people. I am always my harshest critic and weirdly I am always the last to know when I'm acting 'in the disease'.

So, shall we talk about change? How am I changing? I'll give you an example today.

This morning I woke up to an email message from someone I don't know who reads this blog. It was in my opinion judgmental, arrogant, ego-tistical, morally snobbish and condescending. My initial thought was 'fuck you'. Then I did the whole 'oh god maybe they're right and started beating myself up'. Then I wanted to send a long clever reply putting them down and trying to win an intellectual and morally superior argument.

Then I thought, 'fair play, if you are going to write a public blog you have to accept some people don't like what you write' (which I still do by the way - it is fair game). Then I thought, 'fuck you again - I hate being spoken down too'. Then I dismantled this random emailer and did a full and through moral inventory on them. Then I doubted myself again and went into work.

My head was pretty noisy all day. It affected me. In my morning business meeting I could feel the 'King baby' welling up when they didn't agree with everything the great Nick was saying. This made me annoyed like a teenager having a strop. Plus I had doubts about my ability to do the job for the first time.

I went solely into level 1 listening/thinking and remained there for most of the day. Nobody could tell (I hope) But I did the meeting, did 3 other meetings, went about my day and carried out my duties. It is my job, not to make an emotional drama - but to get on with it. I did.

So here's the change bit. I didn't react. I sent an email that wasn't horrid or anything saying I was disappointed she felt the way she did but I didn't agree.

Other change? I got on with my job even though my head was giving me gip. I didn't get annoyed, lose my temper or say something I shouldn't. I suited up, booted up and showed up. I can improve my attitude tomorrow.

Then I ran the email through my close network of friends and family. Not the ones who will blow smoke up my arse and say what I needed to hear. They tell me the truth. If I've been a dick or in the wrong they'll tell me. True friends.

Their comments were, 'harsh, mental, angry, morally superior, they have a right to their opinion but it's not right. and 'if you spot it you've got it.'

The other thing they said is 'you should welcome it, clearly your writing has provoked a strong reaction in someone keep it up.' Also, 'they may have a point about the 'God looking after me thing'. Another said not to react and another said, 'what time is the football on' (helped me get a sense of perspective that there is bigger world news than this today'.

I went to a meeting, let my head settle, reflected on being a teenager in my mind at work and thought about how I wanted to write a long blog, mortally crushing this email, justifying my resentments and trying to come out tops. I decided upon reflection that's a total WASTE of time. What is the point?

There is no right or wrong. I know what I am. I know I'm an ego maniac. And as for being a narcissist. I'm writing a blog about me every day - does it get any more self absorbed than that? I know I care. I know I try to be real and I know I'm up for recovery, no matter how long it takes.

Having all those character traits pointed out in the email is like saying it's wet outside when it's raining. AND?!!

Anyway I wrestled long and hard what do to, so I thought the best thing is to post the mail (and of course keep the sender anonymous as it's not my right to post Private messages) and let you decide for yourself.

I write a public blog and people have the right to comment as they wish. I can't have it both ways can I? To bleat on about saying the truth and then getting upset when people share their truth with me. I guess I meant about people sharing their own truth about themselves not about what they think I am or am not.

I guess the change today is in this blog. I feel it is balanced, non abusive, considered. I have looked at my part, owned up to my own failings, expressed my feelings about it at the time and will now let you decide for yourself.

Despite my apparent arrogance I am like everyone else deep down. A sensitive soul. I like to be encouraged and when I am criticised I hurt. But that's life. If I live by the sword I have to die by it too.

All I ask is that if you do feel strongly please post it in the comments box below (I know it's a bit of a nightmare on BlogSpot) that way everyone can see and join the debate as I keep saying 'together we are stronger'.

Here goes; Dear Nick. I'm not sure if we've ever met? Anyway, I enjoyed following your blog until this evening when you chronicled your many close shaves with death and the fact you 'got lucky'. Or, to be more clear, you don't really believe you got lucky, you believe you were looked after and something was 'guiding you'. What about the driver of the vehicle who died when you were in your milk float? Was something guiding him? Like yourself, I had a close shave myself with death myself so I do feel I have a right to comment. For me to run around gloating I was 'looked after' and 'guided' seems not only narcissistic and misguided but disrespectful to the memory of the people who died and to their families. Does this make any sense? I write to you because your blog, I believe, was meant to be about the destruction of ego and it's amusing really because the whole 'pocket God' idea is really the ego run riot - it's a natural fit for the addict's narcissistic personality. Cheers

Together We Are stronger

Nicholas Evans