Thanks everyone. I realise tonight I'm lucky.
I'm lucky to be sober. I'm lucky I have a programme for living. I'm lucky I'm in AA. I'm lucky I have a top bird. I'm lucky I have loving family and friends. I'm lucky I live in UK and not Ukraine. I'm lucky to be healthy. I'm lucky to have a good job. I'm lucky to have a higher power (doubters will be sick at that point) I'm lucky to be here really.
I should have died at 8 years old when I cycled my BMX in front of a car. (I remember that night my parents took me to a friends house by the Thames in Maidenhead which was the former home of Diana Doors - top random useless fact). I was lucky
I should have died at 17 when I was driving a milk float and a car crashed head on into me at 60 MPH killing the driver and throwing me through the windscreen. I was lucky
I could have died or killed someone countless times when I drunk drove in my late teens. I was lucky.
I could have died several times in blackout when I had no idea what I was doing. I was lucky.
I was lucky to get sober at 28 and be saved from the 10-20 years of low bottom alcoholism.
I guess I feel thankful and lucky tonight. It doesn't happen much and is mostly fleeting but I'm a lucky boy.
With all those incidents and so many years of beating myself up, feeling low self esteem, trying to kill myself through harmful habits and ism's, it would be pretty ignorant and narrow minded not to believe in some kind of higher, spiritual power. Something is guiding me.
I know for a fact I didn't decide to make those close shaves go my way. It has to be a higher force.
I feel that tonight and I'm pretty fucking grateful for it.
My challenge is to not let my ego get in the way and fuck it all up. It will invariably make appearances and I will of course climb back into self will at times but just for today it's OK. Just for today I'm happy.
Yes I had a pang of financial fear today when I checked my ultra low bank balance. Yes I had a twinge of low self esteem when I had a meeting with a high roller. Yes I drank diet coke and smoked too many cigarettes today. But you know what, fuck it. It's all OK today.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel totally different. But lets leave that for tomorrow. I feel pretty vulnerable sharing like this sometimes for fear of jinxing it but all we have is now right and right now I'm OK. All the noise, (low self esteem, fear, worry and anxiety) is on low today - makes a nice change.
One thing I had to share though. It happened during a little humpy pumpy session with my GF last night. I had the Ipod set to 'sex list'. You know lots of grinding, slow beats building up to a crescendo of heavy rock, drum and bass and climactic music (cant believe I just wrote that sentence)
Anyway, we were well into proceedings, totally lost in the moment when the Ipod decided to turn to Shuffle and instead of euphoric music, the Personal Development Guru Anthony Robbins started speaking his '5 Steps to Success' audio book.
Now I'm not the biggest fan of motivational speakers (bit of a weird one seeing as I want to become one, one day) but to have this dude blabbing on about 'achieving your goal' and 'performing at your best' was rather off putting.
I thought I was performing at my best. Certainly the evidence underneath me seemed to show that. And if I'm honest I wasn't setting 5 points to achieving my goal. My goal was simple. I wanted to shoot my load.
I had to turn off the Guru and return back to Led Zeppelin. I am happy to report though to all you Anthony Robbins fans I did achieve my goal.
I wonder if Anthony has ever had anyone climaxing to one of his personal development speeches before (other than himself when practicing in the mirror) It was certainly a new one on me. You have to be ultra committed and focused to personal development to play it during nuptials. Not sure my girlfriend was impressed. Still I think she preferred it to my other choice, "Smack My Bitch Up". Not sure why though.....
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas Evans
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